Courageous Chris

It’s Wednesday. There are 566 days until the midterm elections. Saluting President Seth Rogen, a judge fights back and Courageous Chris heads South.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It seems appropriate when the president is kidnapping people and being a total asshole about it.

Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! We wanted to start today with great big THANK YOU for helping us grow this fucked up newsletter. We’re pretty shocked and humbled by all the people signing up. And we have a plan to double growth – we’re just gonna sign up all of Elon Leon Melvin’s weird kids…

Ewwwww. What. A. Fucking. Freak. Seriously how the eff is this maladjusted lunatic free to run amok through our whole government?! We wanted to learn more, so here’s an interview with Elon’s eighth kid, BeepBoopBoobies@69...

Us: Um, hi, we’re not sure what to call you…

BeepBoopBoobies@69: Oh really? You don’t know how to pronounce my idiotically impractical name? I’m shocked. Just call me fucked because that’s what I am with this weird asshole as my dad. Love the newsletter, by the way.

Us: Aww thanks. So you’re not actually cool with all your dad’s strange doings?

BeepBoopBoobies@69: Can you not see what he fucking named me? And you know from Viv that he treats us all like shit. I asked him if he wanted to play catch once and he started licking a battery while never breaking eye contact. Like how the fuck are you supposed to communicate with that? I can’t believe Americans are letting him fuck with their social security. That’s insane!

Us: Yeah, tell us about it. Well good luck with your whole situation.

BeepBoopBoobies@69: Oh there’s no hope for me. I’ll be starring on a celebrity rehab show before you know it. And spoiler alert but that shit ain’t gonna be on Mars.

Oof. Poor BeepBoopBoobies@69. That’s a rough deal. Maybe Elon Leon Melvin should just stop being a fucking creep that finds women on twitter to get pregnant. Christ what a sentence. Can’t we live in just a little more normal times? Is that really too fucking much to ask? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Jackass Dickface (JD) Vance went on twitter last night and did a whole routine asking what’s the deal with due process. Basically Vance thinks the constitution doesn’t matter if it would be a hassle. You can see why this idiot traded courting for couch-fucking. More: The Hill

Note three: Remember how a judge said Trump had to let the AP in? Well because Trump is a giant baby, he just decided to get rid of all the wires in the pool. He’s basically replacing all the kiss-asses from the mainstream media with kiss-asses from the Trumpland media. It’s not great. More: AP News

Note four: Hong Kong has cut off postal service to the U.S. Ain’t it nice being respected around the world again? More: AP News

Note five: We gotta get this guy back to his family. Man, this country is fucked up right now.

Note six: The deranged scumbag Trump wants as his D.C. Attorney not only loves Jan. 6 terrorists and nazis, but he also really loves appearing on Russian state television, which he has done more than 150 times. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Two guys are out at the Pentagon for leaking that Elon Leon was getting a briefing on battle plans for China. So the administration was lying when they said that wasn’t happening. Shocking, right? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Anybody feel like being lectured by Gayle King about her pretend astronaut stuff? Yeah, us neither. If you’d told us someone was going to compare themselves to Alan Shepard, we would’ve assumed it was Trump. More: Entertainment Weekly

Note nine: Bullshit Bondi had a press conference this morning in which she announced she is suing Maine over trans kids. Bondi even had that loser swimmer who came in like ninth place. More: ABC News

Note 10: Marjorie Taylor Gross had a town hall last night. It got heated. Sending lots of love and applause to the protestor who called Marge a “butch body bigot.” LOL.

Note 11: This is too funny. Kristi Noem’s dress-up games are fucking up ICE raids. Welcome to the resistance, dog-killer. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Happy birthday to the Captain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who had to spend Jackie Robinson Day reminding the Dodgers what that means. And shame on Dave Roberts for making excuses for that Trump bullshit. More: Los Angeles Times

Note 13: Retail sales are surging because everybody is trying to buy all their shit before the moron president breaks the economy some more. More: CNBC

Note 14: Chuck Grassley had a rough day yesterday. Can you imagine being 207 years old and being this pathetic?

Note 15: Our hearts go out to the families of the two soldiers who were killed in a car accident while serving in Trump’s stupid war at the border. We wonder if the commander-in-chief even knows this happened. More: CNN

Note 16: We’re getting fundraising numbers and woah did AOC break some records. It’s almost like our party will reward and support people who fight back against fascism. More: CNBC, CNN

Note 17: So great to see Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro back at work today. Maybe our Attorney General should talk about that instead of obsessing over kids’ genitals.

Note 18: California is going to sue Trump over his stupid tariffs. Guess there’s a break in Gavin’s podcast tapings. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the NBA, where Golden State Warriors coach and all-around great dude Steve Kerr made a statement after the Dubs’ win last night. Also, Steph Curry is fucking ridiculous…

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if you’re not, just remember that you’re not one of Elon’s kids. That always cheers us right up. Love y’all!

Our new president

Seth Rogen is the best. Not only has dude brought us some of the best stoner comedy of the last couple of decades, but he’s also not afraid to talk shit to the people who need a good shit-talking. At the ceremony for the Breakthrough Prize, which the Hollywood Reporter said are the “Oscars for science,” Rogan called out Silicon Valley scum for betraying science and instead elevating people like RFK Jr. “It’s amazing how much good science you can destroy with $320 million and RFK Jr., very fast,” Rogen said. Unfortunately, Rogen was the only one with any kind of spine involved as the event producers removed those remarks before posting the event on YouTube. Fucking cowards. Thanks for speaking truth, Seth!

More: Hollywood Reporter

Here comes the judge

Judge Paula Xinis has had just about enough of Trump’s bullshit. Xinis, the judge overseeing Kilmar Abrego Garcia’s case, is clearly exasperated with the lies and delays DOJ is bringing to her courtroom, and yesterday she laid down the law. The judge appears to be setting the Trump trash up for a contempt hearing as she has ordered multiple officials to sit for depositions. Basically this judge has been demanding updates on the administration’s efforts to get Garcia back in the U.S. and instead DOJ has told her to pound sand. Probably not a great idea.

More: NBC

Thank you, CVH!

For those of us who want to see more action from elected Democrats, Chris Van Hollen is bringing tears to our eyes. Van Hollen, a U.S. Senator from Maryland, is as we speak on his way to El Salvador to try and see Garcia and confirm that he is alive and in good condition. We are in pretty scary territory here and there’s really no telling what will happen to the senator once he’s on the ground. We know what an arrogant dictator dickhead the country’s president is, so let’s all send good thoughts in CVH’s direction. And thank you to the senator for putting his ass on the line and making this important trip.

More: CBS Baltimore

Today’s clips

The World Trade Organization (WTO) warned on Wednesday that the outlook for global trade has “deteriorated sharply” in the wake of U.S. President Donald Trump’s tariffs regime. More: NBC

Wink Martindale, the genial host of such hit game shows as “Gambit” and “Tic-Tac-Dough” who also did one of the first recorded television interviews with a young Elvis Presley, has died. He was 91. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump absolutely unloaded on Harvard University Wednesday morning, characterizing the higher learning institution as a “JOKE” that “teaches Hate and Stupidity” one day after he threatened to strip it of its tax-exempt status. More: Mediaite