Commander-in-thief

It’s Wednesday. There are 377 days until the midterm elections AND 13 DAYS UNTIL THIS YEAR’S ELECTIONS! A nazi goes down, a word about Maine and the president of the United States loots the treasury.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But in our defense, the president of the United States is stealing from us.

Note: Sexy Patriots! If you’re anything like us — and we know your hot asses are — then this week has just about driven you all the way through the goddamn motherfucking roof. Between the demolition of the East Wing of the White House and Trump just straight up stealing $230 million from us, our rage levels are not healthy. So today we’re going to do something a little different.

Today, instead of using the royal We and interviewing God or venting our fury over some stupid shit the brainworm butthead has done, we’re going to break character. This is Sam. And I’m pulling the curtain back for a day to wish a very happy 40th birthday to AltMedia’s fearless leader and a damn fine American, Adam Parkhomenko.

Almost seven years ago, Adam and I met while working on a political project that was going nowhere fast and pissing us both off along the way. Adam had a lot of big ideas and an even bigger heart. His commitment to democratic ideals and the people who fight for them blew me away. He told me to start writing and he would figure out a way to keep it going. He has taken A LOT of shit for some of the stances we take here, but he has always stood tall. Even if we do sometimes bitch at each other like we’ve been married for a hundred years. This newsletter has endured and grown because Adam fought for it. And he has done that because he cares about this country, and he cares about all of you.

So thank you, Sexy Patriots, for allowing me a moment of personal privilege to say happy birthday and thank you to Adam. We now return you to your regularly scheduled cussing of assholes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: And if you need a tutorial in how to cuss the assholes, this gentleman offers a handy guide…

Note three: Anybody need some therapy? Yeah, us too. So please join us today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 pm. PT and we’ll vent like a fucking dryer.

Note four: One of the things we’re going to vent about is Trump demolishing the East Wing of the White House. It’s somehow worse than it looked in the first pictures. More: CNN

Note five: Arizona is suing pedophile protector Mike Little Johnson because he is refusing to seat Adelita Grijalva. It really tells you everything that it’s come to this. Don’t let the Speaker of the House anywhere near your kids. More: HuffPost

Note six: We know a lot of people are hurting from the shutdown, so it’s shitty to treat it like a game and declare winners and losers. But we’re winning.

Note seven: Remember how Trump was going to give Ukraine tomahawks until he talked to Putin and they decided to meet up again? Well now the meeting’s not happening. It’s almost like he’s Putin’s bitch. More: NBC

Note eight: Y’all ready to win some fucking elections? We’ve got some damn big ones coming up in New Jersey, Virginia, California and Pennsylvania. We need to put up some wins. So let’s fucking go!

Note nine: The final NYC mayoral debate is tonight. We have money on Cuomo breaking down in tears. More: AP News

Note 10: Speaking of NYC, they’re not putting up with Trump’s thugs for even a, well, New York minute.

Note 11: Jack Smith is sick of the lies. If Republican senators didn’t want to be investigated, then they shouldn’t have tried to overthrow the goddamn government. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Someone drove into the White House gate. We’re guessing it was Hegseth. More: Mediaite

Note 13: It’s pretty fucking shocking how pig man is just letting his sexism and racism fly these days and it’s not even a story.

Note 14: We know things are expensive and fucked up, but at least Republican senators are having fancy lunches that we pay for at Trump’s new country club that we also pay for. Motherfuckers. More: AP News

Note 15: John Sununu, who went from criticizing Trump to kissing his ass, is running for governor of New Hampshire. We’re gonna enjoy watching him lose. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Are we the only ones obsessed with the Louvre robbery? We’re so excited to watch the Netflix movie about it two years from now. More: HuffPost

Note 17: George Santos needs to learn to shut the fuck up. Unless he just enjoys the whole world dunking on him.

Note 18: And Santos might not be out of hot water yet. Fleeing New York might be in his best interest. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the Senate floor, where Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley has been speaking for more than 14 hours and warning America about what Trump is doing to this country. We love to see it. Now let’s just hope he doesn’t turn around and fuck us over like Booker did. More: New Republic

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome day even if it’s not your birthday. But if it is, we hope you get lots and lots of cake and spankings. Love y’all!

Buh-bye, nazi scum

Paul Ingrassia, Trump’s pick to lead the Office of Special Counsel, announced yesterday that he is withdrawing from his confirmation hearing after it was revealed he’s a racist piece of shit who told people he has a “nazi streak.” Despite that grossness, the story actually got pretty funny when we found out his mommy had been offering to vouch for him with senators. What a loser. Anyway, it was unclear from his post if he’s withdrawing altogether or if he’s still gonna try and sneak in. But even Republican senators are saying no fucking way. So you know this guy is really, really bad.

More: NBC

Let’s talk about Maine

This is why we stay out of primaries. A lot of people got very excited about Senate candidate Graham Platner because he’s a real dude who talks real. Unfortunately, he’s also a former Blackwater guy who said racist, sexist shit and has a fucking nazi tattoo. To our surprise, this stuff is not disqualifying for a lot of Democrats out there. Y’all, we want to win but not like this. Graham is welcome to join our party and continue his path of redemption and enlightenment but not as a goddamn United States senator. We demand the moral high ground over nazi scum, and backing this dude is a good way to concede it. We’re still not getting involved in the primary, but no, we will not support someone with this many glaring red flags. That doesn’t make us elitist or out-of-touch. It just means we’re sticking to our policy of 100 percent no nazi shit. Oh and by the way, the primary isn’t until next year and there’s a really super duper important Maine election in two weeks.

More: AP News, Bolts Mag

Stop! Thief!

Trump’s corruption has always been brazen, but we’re not at cartoonish levels of thievery. The New York Times reported yesterday that Trump is planning to have DOJ give him $230 million of our money to settle some butthurtness he has over losing the 2020 election. Trump later confirmed the story, saying he would give the money to charity. Y’all, Trump is demolishing the White House and stealing millions of dollars from us while telling us we can’t afford healthcare or cancer research for children. If we can’t get America to see this clownish shit, then we should just pack it in.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Liberal influencer Harry Sisson told Piers Morgan he was not amused after President Donald Trump posted an AI-generated video of himself dropping poop on Sisson’s head. More: Mediaite

Federal agents detained several people while conducting an operation on Manhattan’s busy Canal Street, searching for undocumented immigrants who may have connections to illegal street vending, according to a senior law enforcement official familiar with the matter. More: NBC

A Cuban man deported by the United States to the African nation of Eswatini is on a hunger strike at a maximum-security prison having been held there for more than three months without being charged or having access to legal counsel under the Trump administration’s third-country program, his U.S.-based lawyer said Wednesday. More: AP News

North Carolina Republican legislative leaders were poised Wednesday to complete a retooling of part of the state’s U.S. House map in hopes of picking up an additional GOP seat and helping President Donald Trump retain majority control of the lower chamber of Congress in next year’s midterm elections. More: AP News

Donald Trump-appointed interim U.S. attorney Lindsey Halligan is facing scrutiny after her private messages with a reporter have surfaced. More: HuffPost