Cleaning House

It’s Wednesday. There are 244 days until the midterm elections. A psycho at the Pentagon, clarity and confusion in Texas and Lutnick will testify about being a creep.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But probably not as much as Dan Crenshaw did last night.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we tried to ask nicely. We were sweet as cherry fucking pie about it. But there were some elected Democrats who still wanted to play cute and support a little fascism. It seemed like an odd way to announce their retirement plans, but we were happy to oblige. So last night the Democratic Party did a little housecleaning…

LOLOL!!! What’s that old saying? If you lie down with dogs, your base is gonna fuck you up in a primary. Today is a scary day to be an unprincipled centrist who waits on poll results before deciding on their beliefs. Though we imagine every day is scary for a wuss like that. Yeah, we knew all that ICE and anti-trans shit had turned bright green radioactive when we saw Rep. Angie Craig apologizing earlier this week for voting to fund ICE. Well she can stuff her sorries in a sack. We’re not accepting apologies this week. Sorry.

Yesterday a new poll showed that “Abolish ICE” is now at 50 percent support. America doesn’t want a goddamn secret police force that snatches people off the fucking streets and shoots innocent people in the fucking head. Anyone who doesn’t get that and instead listens to gutless chickenshit centrist think tanks can just go ahead and resign right now. The days of the wimpy Dem are over. We’re too fucking angry for that shit. So fight or get out of the way. Or we’ll do it for you. Y’all have a blessed day. More: YouGov

Note two: Anyone need some therapy like right goddamn now? Yeah, us too. How about today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 PT? Ok cool. We’ll see you then.

Note three: We’re gonna talk about the Texas results in the news section. But we want to be very fucking clear that Jasmine Crockett and a shitload of Black voters were screwed yesterday. Take a look at what Ken Paxton and the Texas Supreme Court did yesterday and then brace for a lot more of it in November. More: Texas Tribune

Note four: Great news out of Arkansas! Wow. We’ve probably never typed those words before. But hey, we flipped a legislative seat there and did it by a pretty massive margin. Be afraid, Republicans. Be very afraid. More: The Hill

Note five: This is too little too late from Thom Tillis, but it’s about goddamn time someone called out Noem on murdering her dog. You shall be avenged, Cricket!!!

Note six: Wait a second. We’re at war with fucking Ecuador too?! When did this happen? Is Cankles just throwing darts at a map? More: HuffPost

Note seven: It is so fucking hilarious that Republicans have to do a runoff with Ken Paxton. Or at least it would be if that lunatic didn’t have a chance of winning. More: Texas Tribune

Note eight: Yesterday we learned the names of four of the soldiers who were killed by Trump’s stupid war. We also learned that they were left there like sitting ducks. More: The Guardian

Note nine: The Senate is voting today on a war powers resolution. We expect Uncle Fester Fetterman to vote against it, but he better be the only Democrat who does. More: The Guardian

Note 10: This was some beautiful trolling, and we sure do appreciate it.

Note 11: Dan Crenshaw lost like a loser last night. The guy replacing him is way worse, but Dan sucks so let’s enjoy this for a second. More: NBC News

Note 12: Kash Patel refused to let an investigation into Renee Good’s murder happen because he didn’t want her seen as a victim. So when the effing fuck is Kash going to jail? More: Yahoo

Note 13: Who’s ready to flip a Senate seat in North Carolina? This is real, y’all. Let’s do this. More: NBC News

Note 14: Congrats to the Republican Party on getting to defend super creep piece of shit Tony Gonzales for a couple more months. Scumbags. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Liddle Marco ain’t doing so hot. These fucking idiots really are just making it up as they go. We never thought we’d see someone make the Iraq War look well thought out.

Note 16: Hey by the way there’s a huge and gross scandal at the Labor Department, but nobody is talking about it because of all the other huge and gross scandals. More: NBC News

Note 17: Nancy Mace is being investigated by the House Ethics Committee. We’re shocked. She seems so normal and cool. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Donald Trump doesn’t know where his dad was born. Though to be fair, Tiffany and Barron don’t know where their real dads were born either. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, may this weiner dog race on ice give you as much joy as it did us. It’s the only ice we’ll tolerate these days.

Note 20: And on that adorable and surprisingly fast note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are feeling as fired up as we are after last night. It’s time for a reckoning, and we are damn sure ready for it. Love y’all!

Note 21: BONUS NOTE Hey check out Jesse Welles’s latest. It’s pretty damn catchy.

Psycho Pete
Hey so there’s a drunken nutjob running the Pentagon, and he seems to really get off on war and war crimes. Passed Out Pete Hegseth held a press conference, sorta, this morning where he talked like he’s in a 1980s action movie. We’re sure there were idiots who were impressed by all the tough talk, but to us he just seemed like a pathetic little boy playing badass. His dumb fucking ass also said that the media only talks about dead soldiers to make Trump look bad. Really, dude? Watch this shit and see what kind of psycho we’re dealing with. He’s gonna hate the Hague. More: Mediaite

Same team
Well a bruising intramural battle in Texas is over, and James Talarico won. We know this because this morning the amazing Jasmine Crockett offered a kind and graceful concession. We can’t imagine that was an easy thing to do, especially after the fuckery we all saw in Dallas County. We want to congratulate Jasmine on a great race. We also want to wish James well. We know he knows that he has a lot of work to do to win over Jasmine’s voters. We have a head start on the two assholes stuck in a run-off, so let’s make it count. And hey, there were a shitload more Democrats voting yesterday in Texas than Republicans, so this ain’t no pipe dream. Let’s win this fucking thing. More: The Hill, Politico

We didn’t forget
Howard Nutlick is going to testify behind closed doors over his lies about his buddy Epstein. With war and elections dominating the news, it can be easy to forget this shit. Or it would be if it wasn’t so heinous and shocking. So yeah, we notice when Trump’s DOJ starts removing files, and we notice when Dirty Nutlick gets called to come testify. We just wish Nutlick and James Comer weren’t too fucking scared to let Nutlick testify in public. Because we’d sure love to see that creepy asshole squirm. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem did not apologize for or retract administration statements falsely calling two U.S. citizens domestic terrorists shortly after they were killed by immigration agents in Minnesota in January. More: NBC News

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Elon Musk is expected to take the stand in a shareholder trial on Wednesday in San Francisco, where he’s accused of making false and misleading statements that drove down Twitter’s stock price before he bought the social media platform for $44 billion in 2022. More: Associated Press

Wall Street futures were mixed early Wednesday while oil prices stabilized after President Donald Trump said the U.S. Navy may escort tankers through the Strait of Hormuz, where about a fifth of the world’s oil passes. More: HuffPost

Over the weekend, President Donald Trump launched a war against Iran, killing Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. These U.S. attacks could continue to escalate, as Trump said on Monday that his military campaign is expected to last four to five weeks, but could “go far longer than that.”

As the conflict causes uncertainty in global markets, such volatility can extend to the price of everyday groceries and gas, too. More: HuffPost

North Carolina state Senate President Pro Tempore Phil Berger is running two votes behind his primary challenger, Sam Page, despite having the endorsement of President Donald Trump, according to unofficial state election results. More: NBC News