Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Stephen A. Smith to fuck all the way off.
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to Friday the 13th! We ain’t scared though. We’ve lived through Trump! Twice! If anything, we’re super freaking excited today. Why? Because today is a new day. And a new day means we should have new leadership. So we are pumped as all hell to see Chris Van Hollen throw his hat in the ring to be Senate Majority Leader.
Schumer has done some good shit. He’s also done a lot of baffling shit that made us kinda hate him. This would be a great time for him to take a bow, declare victory and start to fade away. But we all know that ain’t happening. So we’re calling on Democratic Senators to listen to the people they texted 3 billion times in the last year begging for money and give us the new, aggressive leadership we are demanding.
In the meantime, we are workshopping some new nicknames for Van Hollen, and we need your opinion. Which one do you like most?
* Chris Van Hell Yeah
* Chris Van Holdin’ Some Motherfuckers Accountable
* Chris Van Hookin’ Up with Trump’s Mama
* Chris Van How You Like Dem Apples
* Crhis Van Hey Trump Fuck You and Your Family
* Chris Van Halloween
That last one doesn’t make any sense, but it did give us an idea for a really, really awful screenplay. Anyway, work the phones, Sexy Patriots. Tell your senators you voted for change and you want it. And let’s make this shit Chris Van Happen. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Remember Ken Paxton? Yeah, we’re starting to forget too. Anyway, he has already flown off to Fiji. It’s like he’s still attorney general. More: Yahoo News
Note three: John Fetterman is backing Schumer and trashing CVH. Do we need to say anything else? More: ABC27
Note four: Remember how Trump said Big Tech should regulate themselves and then Jensen lost control of his zipper and Microsoft burst into flames? Good times. More: HuffPost
Note five: We’d like to introduce you to Colombia’s Foreign Minister. He liked to trash Kamala and Democrats online, and now that we’ve won, he’s trying to kiss our ass. Hey Omar, fuck you and fuck your apology. Or that’s what we would have said. Unfortunately, our party has already accepted his apology. More: Twitter
Note six: Sam Alito is still a HUGE piece of shit. And now he’s worried that Democrats will “turn out the lights” at SCOTUS. We didn’t know that was an option, but yes we should do that right away. Eat shit, Alito. More: The Hill
Note seven: Stephen A. Smith, who claims to be a Democrat while he’s sitting Hannity’s lap, just did another softball interview with Trump. We’re thinking about taking up a collection to help Stephen buy some fucking self-respect. More: HuffPost
Note eight: Ron Wyden is already going after brainworm raccoon dick guy. We love us some Ron Wyden. And we hate us some RFK Jr. More: HuffPost
Note nine: Scott Bessent went on tv this morning and said he’s “quite confident that the economy is in very good shape, and there’s nothing setting off any alarm bells for me right now.” So yeah, we’re fucked. (Seen on Social Media)
Note 10: This is what young Democrats sound like now. We should listen to them.
Note 11: Corrupt bitch weasel Todd Blanche admitted yesterday DOJ isn’t investigating Democrats for their speech. Good. Because that would be stupid. More: NBC News
Note 12: You know how Hegseth made a fool of himself at Arlington this week? Well he gave an award to the soldier who called him out. We thought for sure that dude was getting the firing squad. More: AP
Note 13: Get this guy some butter because he is on a roll!
Note 14: RIP to longtime sports announcer Dan Hicks. We were fans. More: AP
Note 15: Scott Colom’s campaign was so brilliant that even Trump’s dumb fucking ass can see it. More: AP
Note 16: Megyn Kelly is the worst piece of shit in the whole wide world, and even she wants to see Alina Habba investigated. LOL. More: HuffPost
Note 17: We missed this anniversary yesterday, but we have been singing these lyrics pretty loudly for the last couple of years…
Note 18: Someone named Caroline Sunshine wants to be the next White House press secretary. But we think that job should really go to someone named Liar McShitForBrains. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the normally red OC for some great news. Congrats to a real one!
Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend and don’t forget to Chris Van Have a Nice Day. Love y’all!
Buckle Up, Nutlick
This morning, lunatic loser Scott Bessent threw Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick under the big ol’ bus. Everyone around Trump is trying to claim that they were warning him about Jensen Huang but Nutlick just wouldn’t act on it. LOL. Sure, bros. The reality is that Trump didn’t care that Huang was sticking his little weiner everywhere because Trump is invested in Nivida and he flat out doesn’t give a fuck about our national security. Still, it’s gonna be fun to watch Nutlick squirm. Maybe someone will finally ask him about lying to the American people about going to Epstein’s island.
Long Blue Wave
This is Sam’s jam. That Big Beautiful Blue Wave just keeps on going. Yesterday, we found out that the Democratic candidates for governor won in Kansas and Alaska. In Kansas, this is almost old hat at this point, but for Alaska, it’s a pretty big deal. We’d like to once again thank Donald Trump and his cult of shitheads for making these victories possible.
More: NPR, Alaska Public
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Looks like someone might have more free time for fuckin’ furniture. CNN is reporting that JD Vance is considering not running in 2028 because he sucks and his party sucks. JD really thought he was cooking with his long post-election tweet that blamed Iran and Israel for Republican losses. Instead, he just pissed off his orange daddy and Fox News. And now his dream of being the first couch-fuckig president might not come to fruition. It’s hard to describe how happy this makes us and our furniture. We still think he’ll run, but we love that he’s going through this. The story is paywalled so try the HuffPo link.
Today’s clips
HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — Two African contestants will miss this year’s Miss Universe competition in Puerto Rico because of visa restrictions imposed by President Donald Trump’s administration, while two others are struggling to obtain visas. More: AP
NEW YORK (AP) — International health experts are meeting this week to determine if the United States and Mexico have forfeited one of their greatest public health victories — the elimination of measles. More: AP
DODGE CITY, Kan. (AP) — Jose Del Real looked over the crowd from the stage in a park, at hundreds of his neighbors with furious signs tucked under their arms, voicing their anger at immigration agents who had descended on their town and started rounding up their friends and family. His daughters, in the front row, were crying.
Del Real, an Army veteran who served two tours in Iraq, hadn’t voted in a decade. He thought it wouldn’t matter in this ruby red corner of Kansas. But the midterm election was weeks away. He draped an American flag over his shoulders, put on his Iraq veteran cap and ended his speech with a message: “None of this matters if you do not vote. Let’s go vote.” More: AP
President Donald Trump signaled in a new interview that he could take military action against Cuba before he leaves office to topple the island’s communist regime. More: NBC News
FAYETTEVILLE, Ga. (AP) — Mauricio Pochettino was hired as Manchester United’s head coach on Friday, agreeing to leave his job with the U.S. national team to take on the challenge of reviving the fortunes of English soccer’s once dominant force. More: HuffPost
Note 12: I don't trust that publicity stunt Hegseth pulled giving that soldier a medal. I have no doubt there will be payback and hope somebody's keeping an eye on the situation.
We need to Primary EVERY Senator who still sides with Schumer