Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it just canceled on Ed Sheeran.
Note: Sexy Patriots! We’ve got so much to talk about yesterday. There were roughly 3 million news stories yesterday, so we should probably get to it. But before we do, we just have to ask… WHAT THE EFFING FUCK IS GOING ON WITH KASH PATEL AND THE FEDERAL BESTIALITY INSTITUTE?!
What in the hell?! Um can someone fill us in on what’s happening? Is there an epidemic of future lawmen getting jumped and humped by animals? Is there like a cop who always wanted to be in the FBI but he couldn’t because he woke up getting railed by a horse? Did Kash fuck up the Nancy Guthrie search because he was making the beast with two backs with an actual beast? We know there’s a lot going on, but this is some fucked up shit and we just had to know more. So here now is an interview with Jennifer Giraffe, president of the National Association of Horny Animals (NAHA)...
Us: Hello, Mrs. Giraffe!
Jennifer Giraffe: Hello gentlemen. Thanks for having me. Love the newsletter.
Us: Thanks! So did you see the FBI director’s testimony? Are there a lot of animals fucking future FBI agents?
JG: This is absurd. Us animals have never mated with a future FBI agent who didn’t want to be mated with. Kash Patel and his many, many, many gerbils know this for a fact. In fact, in the gerbil world, he’s known as Ass Patel.
Us: Um… does this happen a lot?
JG: Oh yeah. A lot. It didn’t used to. But once a big orange pig started fucking all of America, the other pigs decided to start fucking back.
Us: That makes sense. We’re sorry you and your animal friends are going through this.
JG: Thanks. It could be worse. We could be having sex with Trump.
Man, we sure live in a messed up country, don’t we? Remember all those Obama-Biden bestiality stories? Yeah, we don’t either. Maybe we should vote these weirdo freaks the fuck out of office. Sound good? Good. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: So clearly we need some therapy. How about you? Let’s do a sesh today at 2:30 p.m. ET/11:30 a.m. PT. See you then!
Note three: We’re gonna shit all over CBS today, but we actually have to give them credit first. Last night they published some of the first photos of damage American bases have sustained in the Middle East. For seven months, the American people have been lied to and the costs of Trump’s idiotic war have been hidden from us. We need more real journalism to tell us what the hell is going on over there. More: CBS News
Note four: Well, not all costs of the idiot war have been hidden from us. Some of them we can see quite clearly. Thanks, Trump.
Note five: An awful story out of L.A. last night after an NBC traffic chopper went down while covering a deadly crash. We’re sending love to the families, the co-workers and the City of Angels. More: KTLA
Note six: Thank you to Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Senate Democrats for killing the corrupt crypto bill. Trump has made enough dirty money as president. He don’t need no more. More: NBC News
Note seven: What’s the GOP plan for the next 48 days? Shit on Muslims. Don’t believe us? Just ask that dude who has his weird little weiner in a couch. More: NBC News
Note eight: Speaking of Abdul, he debated an empty podium last night because his opponent Mike Rogers is a total wuss boy. More: HuffPost
Note nine: Fuck. The Obamas’ family dog, Sunny, died. Remember when they got him for the girls early in their time at the White House? Where does the time go? More: AP
Note 10: You know how Trump says we’re respected around the world again? Well Canada is about to join the EU and Mark Carney is doing impressions of asshead. So yeah, totally respected.
Note 11: Every single act touring with Ed Sheeran canceled on him yesterday after he bent the knee to Robert Kraft. Dude’s back-up band even quit. Way to shit all over your rep, bro. More: Yahoo News
Note 12: John Fetterman hung out at Ruper Murdoch’s ranch. It’s weird to be this excited about a primary that is still two years away. As always, fuck John Fetterman. More: Washington Examiner
Note 13: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but we want to make sure we’re giving lots of love to Rep. Joyce Beatty for fighting the good fight on the Kennedy Center board to the point that Trump called her up and cussed her. Git his ass, Rep. Beatty!
Note 14: Abuser Chris Brown is very angry that Texas state Rep. Venton Jones apologized for appearing with Brown on stage last weekend. We still haven’t heard from Rep. Crockett on this. Man, we’ve seen some people defending Brown and we just don’t get it. HE BEAT UP RIHANNA!!! More: TMZ
Note 15: Thomas Massie’s crazy ass might be out, but he ain’t down. On the whole, this dude sucks. But we’re really gonna miss watching him fuck with his own party and fight for the Epstein survivors. And he’s right about Hegseth.
Note 16: Billionaire Leon Black refused to testify about Epstein. Now he might go to jail. We really, really hope he goes to jail. More: AP
Note 17: Tom Morello, the badass guitarist from Rage Against the Machine, is always fighting the good fight. So we want to thank him and share that he has a new album coming out next week. He described the album as “anti-nazi songs for anti-nazis.” Love it. And as always, FUCK YOU; WE WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL US! More: Rock929Rocks
Note 18: Remember when Trump said his lame convention got more viewers than the NFL? He just missed it by about 22 million viewers. LOL. He’s got no juice! More: CNN
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re gonna share a poll from CNN even though we hate polls and CNN. But we love that Trump will probably find out today that Americans like President Zelensky way more than his orange ass. LOLOLOL!!!!
Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. If you want to keep it that way, stay the fuck away from Kash Patel’s house. Love y’all!
Sucky Sixty
Bari Weiss is on a roll. And not the good kind. After already killing CBS Evening News and CBS Mornings, Bari has now totally fucked up 60 Minutes. The first episode of the season, which included some propaganda about the Iran War, was seen by fewer than 8 million people. That might sound like a lot, but it’s actually down 19 percent from last year’s opener. We can’t believe more people don’t want to watch Norah O’Donnell kiss Pete Hegseth’s ass. It’s tragic to see 60 go out this way, but literally everyone saw this coming.
More: The Independent
Trump Kills Kennedy
Like a lot of psycho abuser assholes, Trump has decided that if he can’t have the Kennedy Center, then no one can. Yesterday, his kiss-ass board voted to shut down the building because Trump isn’t allowed to put his name on it. He insists that it is falling apart and has to be fixed, but he’s also making quite clear that he won’t fix it unless he can put his name on it. We’re not even kidding. Wasn’t this building doing just fine before fuckhead got involved? And where’ racoon dick felcher guy? Doesn’t he want to stand up for his uncle?
More: NBC News
The War Machine Keeps Turning
You know how we don’t have money for healthcare or school lunches? Well it turns out we have plenty of money for bombs and shit. Especially when they’re going to the Israeli government. Trump is about to give his friend Bibi another $2.8 billion OF OUR MONEY to buy more bombs. How fucked up is this? Well even the Biden administration stopped this from happening because they thought there would be too much mass death. Maybe this is why so many people have the back of a shit-ass rapper like Macklemore. Because they are sick and fucking tired of all the killing.
More: AP
Today’s clips
President Donald Trump will travel to North Carolina on Wednesday to campaign with Republican Senate nominee Michael Whatley as the former national party chairman tries to shore up his campaign against Democratic former Gov. Roy Cooper. More: AP
President Donald Trump berated Jerome Powell for years as he sought to pressure Powell, then the Federal Reserve chairman, to cut interest rates. So far, he has given a pass to the new Fed chief, Kevin Warsh, whom he nominated this year. More: NBC News
The Trump administration spent an estimated $9.5 billion last year on paid administrative leave for federal workers as it pushed to cut costs by shrinking the government, according to a Government Accountability Office report released Tuesday. More: NBC News
Dr. Nicole Saphier, President Donald Trump’s third nominee to serve as surgeon general, will face lawmakers at her confirmation hearing Wednesday in the latest attempt to fill the post known as the nation’s doctor. More: NBC News
Saudi Arabia has accused the Iran-backed Houthi rebels of attempting to attack Islam’s holiest city, declaring Mecca a “red line” in the escalating conflict. More: NBC News
Gaza rescuers on Wednesday combed through the wreckage of a bombed-out apartment building that collapsed overnight, killing at least 20 Palestinians, including six children, and trapping dozens of others beneath the rubble. More: NBC News
Cleveland City Council this week mocked Donald Trump’s penchant for rebranding the map, voting to pass a resolution renaming part of Lake Erie as the “Gulf of Cleveland.” More: HuffPost
First lady Melania Trump gave a frosty response to the report that Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding celebration in May was heavily financed by a Russian oligarch connected to Vladimir Putin. More: HuffPost
Stephen Colbert returned to late-night television on Tuesday ― but this time as a guest on Jimmy Kimmel’s show. More: HuffPost
Adults who develop Antisocial Personality Disorder were often diagnosed with Conduct Disorder when a minor. And often their behaviors resulted in law enforcement getting involved. Behaviors that are consistent with Conduct Disorder include torturing and killing animals (sometimes pets even), as well as fire-setting, and refusing to follow rules and laws. These people they are hiring for the FBI will end up murdering Americans and undocumented workers in our name. And just like their bosses they enjoy the cruelty. :( AND, there is nothing our elected can do to stop them.
"What in the hell?! Um can someone fill us in on what’s happening? Is there an epidemic of future lawmen getting jumped and humped by animals?"
Evil Foghorn Leghorn sure as hell made his "Aw shucks son, I'm just a country Lawyer" performance is all anyone's talking about, instead of "...not stealing from your employer in the 𝙇𝘼𝙎𝙏 𝙏𝙃𝙍𝙀𝙀 𝙔𝙀𝘼𝙍𝙎.." which is like 5 or 6 orders of magnitude more fucked up than fucking a sheep when you were 17.