Bye, KKKaroline!

It’s Thursday. There are 82 days until the midterms. Trump spends your money to destroy the White House, Dick Cheney’s doc wants answers on a sick bastard and Zohran puts up a big number.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Especially after a Kushner buys its basketball team.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Today is a good day! Sure, we have the usual avalanche of shitty and horribly depressing news to share with you as both your country and your planet near almost certain death. But we also get to say goodbye to human garbage Karoline Leavitt. And if that ain’t worth celebrating, then we don’t know what is…

Neither of us has ever met Karoline, and that’s one of many, many reasons why we wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. Is that a little harsh? We don’t think so. For the last two years, we’ve been paying this soulless dead-eyed monster to lie to us — to lie about Alex Pretti and Renee Good, to lie about Jan. 6 and to lie about, well, pretty much every goddamn thing she ever discussed. So as far as we’re concerned, she can go lie on some train tracks.

We know that the White House press disagree. They are fine with being lied to and insulted, and they will definitely throw Karoline a going-away party. We hear Jake Tapper is gonna get naked and jump out of a cake. So yeah, we’re happy to miss that party, but we might throw our own. Because it’s a good thing when a lying piece of shit resigns. Bye, Karoline. Please go fuck yourself. Y’all have a blessed day. More: The Hill

Note two: We hate to do it, Sexy Patriots, but we’re gonna sneak in a day off tomorrow. Instead of taking a summer vacation, we’ve tried to do the occasional long weekend so that we don’t leave you hanging for a whole week. If you’re pissed about it, we get it. We suck.

Note three: Max Miller’s ex-wife is suing him for releasing nude photos of their child. Republicans are backing this dude, who for some reason isn’t tagged by the media as a radical extremist. More: HuffPost

Note four: Pete Hegseth lost two more soldiers yesterday. But at least he’s winning the war against Iran. Oh wait. More: The Hill

Note five: Seriously, it’s not going great…

Note six: Hey has anyone seen Mitch McConnell? We’d put him on the side of a milk carton, but we don’t want people puking up milk everywhere.

Note seven: This is pretty funny. Even Elon’s twitter isn’t buying this bullshit from Lindsey Graham’s sister. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Congrats to the person who just won a billion dollars in the Powerball. Can we have some? Please? More: NBC News

Note nine: What DOJ is doing to the Southern Poverty Law Center is fucking appalling. Let’s hope a jury sees through this bullshit. More: NBC News

Note 10: Republican Minnesota candidate Michele Tafoya wants you to sacrifice for Trump’s stupid war. We encourage all Minnesotans to reach out to Michele and tell her how this makes you feel…

Note 11: If you’ve been with us for a while, then you know we’ve been following the saga of Coyote vs. Acme for a very long time. Now the premiere is almost here, and we are so excited. We can’t wait to laugh and make Warner Bros. eat shit. More: AP

Note 12: Sigh. It’s true that Josh Kushner and Bob Iger are buying the Lakers. The guy who bought them last year is under investigation by DOJ and recently met with Trump. If all this seems shady as fuck, that’s because it probably is. Fuck. More: CNBC

Note 13: We are loving this new ad from Abdul. We think proud grandparents everywhere will relate.

Note 14: We’d like to say FUCK YOU to the washed up ex-NBA losers who are trying to get on Fox News by declaring for the WNBA draft. It’s gross and pathetic, and those women don’t deserve this shit. More: AP

Note 15: Remember the scum who brought a confederate flag into our Capitol on Jan. 6? Well he was just convicted for touching a woman’s hair on the Metro. So in addition to being a racist traitor, he’s also a creepy fucking weirdo. This is the GOP, y’all. More: NBC Washington

Note 16: Yikes. U.S. troops did a drill with Ukraine soldiers. And Ukraine won. Maybe it was a mistake to fire all of our military leaders and replace them with Fox News fuckheads. Also, Ukraine is pretty badass. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 17: We’ve seen a few folks on our side of things getting chummy with Tucker Carlson lately. Never forget that he is a racist, sexist piece of shit. He’s also a fucking dork.

Note 18: We are so glad to see that the story we shared yesterday about the USS Lincoln is getting attention. It should be a big goddamn deal that our draft-dodging commander-in-chief is leaving our troops to suffer while he plays golf and redecorates. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Wisconsin, where David Crowley and Fran Hong showed us all how it’s done. We’ve been so happy to see this pattern happen all over the country. Except, um, Texas.

Note 20: And on that unified note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best weekend ever. Unless you’re Karoline Leavitt. In that case, you can go eat all the shit. Love y’all!

$900 Million

That’s how much Trump is taking from your National Parks budget to pay for his redecorating spree in D.C. Yes, we know he has repeatedly lied and told the American people that corporate bribes were paying for all this nonsense, but that, like everything he says, was a lie. According to U.S. Sen. Tina Smith, the White House usually gets about $2.5 million a year for maintenance. Now they’re taking $875 million. And they’re taking it from your parks. Fucking assholes.

More: The Hill

Dick’s Doc

It can be surprising to remember that Dick Cheney had a heart. But he did, and it didn’t work great. So he had a cardiologist. And that cardiologist wants some answers about Donald Trump’s health. In yesterday’s New York Times, Dr. Jonathan Reiner says that Trump looks like warmed over shit and Americans deserve to know why. It is pretty obvious that Trump is not well. Remember when we were told repeatedly last year that the president’s health was the most important story ever? Well fuck Jake Tapper.

More: The Independent

Go, Zo!

So we know there are some Democrats who are having a hard time getting on board with Mayor Zohran Mamdani, but that dude is rolling. Y’all know we are big fans, and according to a new Sienna poll, that’s a big crowd. In a new poll out yesterday, Mamdani’s favorability has risen to 69 (nice) percent. His unfavorables are only at 24 percent. Y’all, those numbers are fucking insane for a New York City mayor, and they’ve only been going up since he got in office. Maybe all politicians should be nice, like the people they work for and do the job they say they will. We’re linking to the New York Post because most of the media ignored this story, and the Wall Street Journal said yesterday that Mamdani’s “honeymoon is over.” LOL. Sure, Rupert.

More: NY Post

Today’s clips

QUSRA, West Bank (AP) — Israeli settlers have besieged three homes in the occupied West Bank for several days, including one owned by a Palestinian American, in what the U.S. ambassador called a “horrific act of terror” on Thursday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Public health experts have been quick to condemn an executive order from President Donald Trump aimed at upending childhood vaccinations in the U.S., but the biggest obstacles may be the unprecedented financial and logistical challenges it would impose on parents, health providers and drugmakers. More: AP

Abdul El-Sayed made history this month in Michigan by becoming the first Muslim nominated by the Democratic Party to run for the U.S. Senate. But elation among many of his fellow Muslim Americans was tempered by awareness of persisting and widespread anti-Muslim sentiment across much of the nation. More: AP

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — Democrats are gathering to finalize their 2028 presidential primary calendar this week, setting the stage for a wide open contest to succeed President Donald Trump and chart a path ahead as the party’s voters oscillate between progressive and more moderate candidates. More: AP

A Russian military officer was killed in a ⁠bomb attack on Thursday in Russian-annexed Crimea, and a woman was arrested on suspicion of assassinating him on behalf of Ukrainian special services, the regional governor said. More: NBC News

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. seemed to be a bit mixed up as he claimed he can’t vote because courts once deemed him legally homeless, despite neither being accurate. More: HuffPost