Buh-bye, Bovenis

It’s Tuesday. There are 280 days until the midterm elections. Suozzi’s screw-up, Bezos kills WaPo and Minnesota beats some orange ass.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we can tell Greg Bovino to eat shit.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s a new day. Our brave friends in Minnesota have won a decisive victory over the forces of dumfuck, and we are ready to do some gloating. But first, we simply must discuss the hottest new movie everyone is talking about. Wait. What’s the opposite of hottest?

Oh right. The stupidest and most pointless fucking movie ever made is coming out this week. We almost forget to not give a shit. But we do take our duties as your cussing newsletter seriously, so we went ahead and got a sneak preview. Here now is our review of Melania…

Melania (Negative Five Stars and One Self-Inflicted Injury) — Run, don’t walk, far far away from any theater screening this stale jar of hog shit lest you get trampled by the crowds fleeing this new phenomenon of anti-entertainment. What Melania and her team of kiss-asses and rapists have accomplished with this crap-fest is similar to what Donald Trump has accomplished with healthcare, race relations and personal hygiene. There were people in the theaters cutting out their own eyes and replacing them with milk duds. One guy got a running start and ran into the wall to knock himself unconscious. Another poor woman hung herself with red vines right there in the goddamn theater. People were vomiting and crying the whole time. Want to miss the silent movie era? This movie sucks so bad you’ll start to hate the talkies. We can’t even advise throwing your own poop at the movie screen because your poop deserves better. Anyway, go see this movie if you hate yourself, hate America, hate movies or just want to see the MyPillow guy masturbating in public.

Yeah, even the popcorn tasted like shit. Fuck her and this stupid movie. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna get into this in the news section, but we just want to say a giant THANK YOU to the brave people of Minneapolis. Y’all paid a helluva price, but you stood tall, you fought like hell and you defeated the United States government and its asshole president. We’re so fucking proud and so fucking grateful. More: CNN

Note three: And Minnie ain’t done. The state’s chief federal judge is sick of the bullshit and has demanded ICE director Todd Lyons show up in court in person to explain why he and his troops are such criminal pieces of shit. More: CBS12

Note four: How dumb is Trump? He’s sending ICE agents to the Winter Olympics. And boy does Italy not want them there. It’s actually amazing. Trump is even managing to piss off the fascists, and those are his people! More: AP News

Note five: The NBA has entered the chat. Hating ICE is now a pop culture movement too.

Note six: How toxic is Kristi Noem right now? Even Uncle Fester Fetterman wants Trump to fire her. And that guy sucks worse than Manchin. More: WGAL

Note seven: Senate Democrats must see right now they have all the wind at their backs. We need them to be tougher than they ever have and shut this shit down. No more invasions of American cities. No more masks. No more ICE. Push it all the way. You might not get another chance. More: The Guardian

Note eight: It was Surrender Monday at the White House. They even rolled over and gave up on going after Don Lemon. More: Mediaite

Note nine: TikTok is a pro-Trump machine now, and Gavin Newsom is demanding answers. This is Good Gavin. More: NBC

Note 10: We’re sorry to put this in your brain, but we just thought it was the funniest fucking thing we’ve ever seen. She’s working on legislation? Really? LOLOL!!!

Note 11: The good people at Bolts Mag have you covered when it comes to election news you need to know. Want to vote against ICE in your local elections? Here’s how you can. More: Bolts Mag

Note 12: Bari Weiss has only begun to fuck up CBS. Now she’s firing actual journalists and bringing in anti-vaxx podcasters. So yeah, fuck CBS. More: Axios

Note 13: Those libs at the Catholic Church have really had enough of Trump’s Satan schtick.

Note 14: It probably won’t surprise you to know that the woman who married Stephen Miller is not smart. More: HuffPost

Note 15: It has been wild watching the scumbags at Fox do a 180 on everything. Ingraham was saying last night that she always opposed DHS and Hannity is saying Trump should leave Home Depot alone. More: Mediaite

Note 16: Marco Rubio has to cover his head with a blanket to sleep or else Trump will think he’s weak. That’s quite a life you’ve made for yourself, Liddle Marco. More: HuffPost

Note 17: On any other day, this would be the Happy Ending. Bless you, Minnie.

Note 18: Kash Patel is investigating the signal chats of Minnesota wine moms. Kash clearly has a humiliation kink and we can’t wait to see this shit blow up in his fugly face. Don’t fuck with wine moms. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s actual Happy Ending, well, what else do we need to say? Welcome home, Brooks.

Note 20: And on that crazy adorable note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. We sure are. But we get that way when we watch fascist assholes retreat. Love y’all!

Goddamnit, Tom

We’re not sure what to do on this one. Last week, seven House Democrats joined Republicans to pass the DHS funding bill. And while Democratic leadership voted against the bill, they didn’t try to stop their members from voting for it. So you had people like Rep. Tom Suozzi vote to give more money to ICE right before they murdered another American. Well Tom says he fucked up. In a statement yesterday, Suozzi said he should not have voted for the funding. Yeah, no shit. We’re of two minds on this. Adam says growth is good and we should welcome it. Sam says fuck this asshole and let’s primary him to hell and back. The answer is probably somewhere in the middle. Let’s be open but cautious. And Tom, get your head out of your ass. Renee Good should have been enough for you.

More: The Hill

A damn shame

Jeff Bezos is out living the high life while he kills the Washington Post. It’s been a hard week for what was once a great newspaper. They are destroying the foreign bureaus, laying off tons of staff and had to beg to be allowed to cover the Winter Olympics. It’s gotten so bad that Washington Post reporters are having to make public pleas to a billionaire to not kill their newspaper. Maybe Bezos doesn’t care because he still gets to hang out with super-fraud Leo Dicaprio, but you’d think he’d be embarrassed to be burning down an American institution.

More: Defector, Mediaite

Victory in Minnesota

They did it. They fought back, and they won. They lost two very good people along the way. Alex Pretti and Renee Good should both still be alive. Their murders at the hands of ICE officers have turned the tide. Support for ICE has evaporated, and yesterday Trump surrendered. He ate shit and took calls from Walz and Frey. He ordered Bovino to go home and retire. They had the guns, but we had the numbers. And we have prevailed. Now we know they are not invincible and they are not inevitable. They are dumb and weak and easily frightened by loud noises and brave Americans. None of this should have ever happened, but we are forever grateful to the courageous patriots of Minnesota who taught America’s fascists a lesson. The war isn’t over. Trump and Stephen Miller will terrorize more Americans. But now we know they can be beat.

More: The Guardian, The Atlantic, AP News

Today’s clips

As a deadly storm that brought crippling ice to the South and deep snow to the Northeast finally began to swirl out to sea Monday, it represented light at the end of the tunnel for some. More: AP News

Former FIFA president Sepp Blatter on Monday backed a proposed fan boycott of World Cup matches in the United States because of the conduct of President Donald Trump and his administration at home and abroad. More: AP News

Holocaust survivors, politicians and regular people commemorated International Holocaust Remembrance Day on Tuesday, gathering at events held across Europe to reflect on Nazi Germany’s killing of millions of people. More: AP News

After nearly two decades of negotiations, India and the European Union announced Tuesday they have reached a free trade agreement to deepen economic and strategic ties. The accord, which the EU chief described as the “mother of all deals,” could affect as many as 2 billion people. More: AP News

Jimmy Kimmel broke down in tears on Monday night as he condemned the killing of ICU nurse Alex Pretti by Border Patrol agents in Minneapolis and slammed the Trump administration’s response as he issued a plea to MAGA voters. More: Mediaite

Retired Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, a key figure from President Donald Trump’s first impeachment, is launching a long-shot bid to oust GOP Sen. Ashley Moody in Florida. More: HuffPost