Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never broke Eisenhower’s globe like a dumbass.
It’s Adam’s birthday today, and while Sam considered getting him a cake, we decided that helping grow our independent media empire of two idiots with microphones would be a much better gift. If you’ve been thinking about becoming a paid subscriber, chip in $5 a month today and help us give Adam the best birthday present possible!
Note: We sure do love you, Sexy Patriots. As the woman said, we love you more than our luggage. And today we want to single out a specific group of Sexy Patriots and shower them with that love. Don’t worry. This ain’t a pee tape situation. Today we want to give a special shout out to our Blue Dotters out there. You know who you are. You’re the Blue Dot in a red state or red town or red neighborhood. And you’re not afraid to take any of those fuckers on…
LOL. Fantastic. The thing about Blue Dotters is you can’t scare them. They’re constantly surrounded by pedo-protectors, Russia lovers and crazed cultists. They have to swim through a sea of red hats and shit-breath just to go get groceries. When they go to a No Kings rally, they are the No Kings rally. Their values and beliefs are constantly tested but never swayed. They are behind enemy lines, but they stand tall. It’s about the most Real American shit we can imagine.
So thank you, Sexy Blue Dotters, for keeping the flames of decency, democracy and good hygiene alive in your red nightmares. You’re an inspiration to us all, and an irritation to the worst fucking people on the planet. We salute you for your service, and we ask you to hang in there. Reinforcements are on the way. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Hey so Couchfuck and Trump have decided to go all-in on being total goddamn scumbags about Amy Acton’s mom. We wrote something about it yesterday, and we hope JD will continue to eat shit.
Note three: When Jon Ossoff raises questions about Natalie Harp, it’s a scandal and everyone clutches their fucking pearls. Trump is cheering on violence at his rallies, and there’s not a fucking peep. More: HuffPost
Note four: Congrats to the Atlanta Dream on their big win in the WNBA finals last night. And fuck you to Benny Johnson and Anus Kanter for trying to mess up the night and make it all about their scummy asses. More: ESPN
Note five: Pete Hegseth broke Eisenhower’s globe. It really makes us wish Pete’s drunken ass knew what a metaphor is…
Note six: AES and Rogers debated again last night, but it didn’t have the same fireworks as earlier debates. At this point, what else is left to say? More: NBC News
Note seven: Wisconsin, we need y’all to make sure David Crowley is your next governor. The other guy is a total fucking asshole. More: NBC News
Note eight: We also need Kansas to shock the world and give Roger Marshall his retirement papers. And then send him to a collection agency. More: NBC News
Note nine: Early voting is surging and we have zero idea what that means. Frankly, it scares the shit out of us. But really everything does these days. More: AP
Note 10: Hey, North Carolina! Please please please double-check everything!!!
Note 11: It’s been a while since we listened to Iron Maiden, but we’re about to fix that. Respect! More: Variety
Note 12: A sitting member of Congress is having to move for her safety. Which Democrats have her back? More: NBC News
Note 13: Anyone else want to see a Democratic Congress make this asshole’s life miserable?
Note 14: You know how we totally won Trump’s stupid war against Iran and everything is cool now? Well just don’t look at the fact that we’re having to evacuate our people from Saudi Arabia. More: CBS News
Note 15: The Supreme Court actually did something not evil for trans people. It really proves what a sick and twisted move by Trump this was. More: AP
Note 16: The scumbags at Meta are having to shell out another $25 billion after a lawsuit. And these are the assholes who Trump says will regulate themselves when it comes to AI. Sure, bro.
Note 17: Well this is really, really fucking funny. Couch Boy went to a Cincinnati Bengals practice, and they straight up did not give a shit. LOL. More: AP
Note 18: We may not believe the polls, but we sure recognize a crash out when we see it. And Trump is crashing the eff out. Dude seriously can’t go 10 minutes without having a tantrum. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish the happiest of birthdays to our own Adam Parkhomenko. He’s a real damn fighter just like you Sexy Patriots, and we are forever grateful for his dedication and leadership. Happy birthday, Park!
Note 20: And on that uncharacteristically sweet note from Sam, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Especially if you’re a Blue Dot being the turd in MAGA’s punchbowl. Love y’all!
See You Soon, Elon
After Politico reported yesterday morning that a Democratic Congress would investigate Elon the Anus Musk, Elon went to twitter to show everyone how tough he is behind a keyboard. “Live by the sword, die by the sword,” Elon wrote on twitter as he promised to go after anyone who goes after him. We understand that Elon is new around these parts, but someone should tell that weird fuck that he’s threatening our representatives and we don’t take too kindly to that. Someone should also tell him that America doesn’t have freakshow oligarchs who get to decide who wins and loses wars for freedom. And then tell him that we’re about to make his life hell.
More: Fox Business
Mississippi Madness
On Monday, there will be eight days until Election Day. And Trump will be going to Mississippi. LOLOL. So things must be going great for Republicans. But he’s right to worry. Democrat Scott Colom is a great candidate who is running a great race. It fucking kills us that he refers to Cindy Hyde-Smith as Cindy High-Prices. That’s so good. And he’s got back-up. Kamala is rallying with him in the state today. Sure, we’re dreaming big but that’s only because Republicans are sweating big.
More: WAPT, Mississippi Today
A Michigan Money Bomb
Influential lobbying organization AIPAC is making a play to elect Mike Rogers and defeat Abdul El-Sayed. Obviously we all saw this coming, but we still thought y’all should know that the group is about to drop another $9 million in the state to try and defeat AES. The good news is that they tried this in the primary and their $30 million didn’t do shit. Regardless of how you or we feel about AIPAC or the Israeli government, surely we can all agree that all this shit is gross and we need money out of politics.
More: Yahoo
Today’s clips
TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) — U.S. House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries listened from the front row at the old Ohio church as the Sunday congregation heard of scripture’s guidance for calming a gathering storm. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — People who rely on employer-sponsored health insurance paid more for their coverage this year, with employees at small businesses and their employers especially squeezed by the surging costs, according to a new survey by healthcare research nonprofit KFF. More: AP
LEWISTON, Maine (AP) — Maine Republican Sen. Susan Collins distanced herself from a new radio ad attacking Democratic opponent Troy Jackson as a “freak” and a “creep” because “he has two kids with his cousin,” saying Wednesday that it should be taken down. More: AP
Federal authorities on Thursday charged a prominent Virginia Democrat with racketeering and a money laundering conspiracy as part of an alleged public corruption case involving a cannabis business she co-owns. More: NBC News
The University of Arizona has suspended a fraternity’s activities after a female student alleged two men sexually assaulted her at the fraternity’s house in August. More: HuffPost
KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russia bombarded Kyiv with ballistic missiles in an hourslong nighttime barrage, and the Russian military said Thursday that its air defenses intercepted 808 drones fired by Ukraine at Moscow and other cities, in attacks that dampened new hopes of progress in ending the war. At least two people were killed in Ukraine and dozens of others wounded, officials said. More: HuffPost
The name “Vance” made a big splash on Wednesday in more ways than one.
First: Vice President JD Vance went viral in the worst possible way by saying he was “disgusted” by Republicans who objected to Vivek Ramaswamy’s attack ad against Dr. Amy Acton, where her long-estranged mother, Donna Arthur, called her own daughter a “liar.”
Then the National Hurricane Center announced the name of a new tropical storm in the eastern Pacific: Vance. More: HuffPost
In Wisconsin here and shouting from the rooftops to get scum like Tom Tiffany and Van Orden out of our state. They are brainless leftovers still riding on GOP money!! 🤮 Disgusting maga minions. 💙🗽☮️
Happy birthday! 🎈🎂🎉
Happy Birthday, Adam. We are fighting like Hell to keep Tallerico afloat here in Texas.
It's disgusting that some people are voting for a stupid dipshit, Ken Paxton.
I don't trust these people around anyone, especially someone like Musk. He sucks. It's a shame he's the world’s richest person. It's hard for anyone to fight that much money. We are ready to do it.