Brace yourselves

It’s Thursday. There are 718 days until the midterm elections. Putin is now in charge of our intel community and secrets, the VP might not be done yet and the funniest damn thing you ever heard.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we’re able to ask repeatedly if this is all some dumb fucking joke.

Programming note: We hope y’all don’t mind, but we’re going to take tomorrow off. We have to get our joke machine fixed. Also, our brains are fucking fried.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it wasn’t a nightmare. This shit is all too real and getting realer by the moment. If any of us had any doubts about how much of a disaster we’re in for, they surely vanished yesterday when Trump announced his nomination of alleged child rapist and sex trafficker Matt Gaetz to be Attorney General.

If this is Trump testing the Republican Senate to see how much they’ll kiss his ass, then we’re afraid it’s a test those spineless shit-eaters will pass with flying colors. In fact, we’ve just learned that Trump has nominated a ziploc bag of warm hog diarrhea to be our next Agriculture Secretary. We were shocked, but this is what Republican senators had to say…

Lindsey Graham: I’ve known that z…