Brace yourselves
It’s Thursday. There are 718 days until the midterm elections. Putin is now in charge of our intel community and secrets, the VP might not be done yet and the funniest damn thing you ever heard.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we’re able to ask repeatedly if this is all some dumb fucking joke.
Programming note: We hope y’all don’t mind, but we’re going to take tomorrow off. We have to get our joke machine fixed. Also, our brains are fucking fried.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it wasn’t a nightmare. This shit is all too real and getting realer by the moment. If any of us had any doubts about how much of a disaster we’re in for, they surely vanished yesterday when Trump announced his nomination of alleged child rapist and sex trafficker Matt Gaetz to be Attorney General.
If this is Trump testing the Republican Senate to see how much they’ll kiss his ass, then we’re afraid it’s a test those spineless shit-eaters will pass with flying colors. In fact, we’ve just learned that Trump has nominated a ziploc bag of warm hog diarrhea to be our next Agriculture Secretary. We were shocked, but this is what Republican senators had to say…
Lindsey Graham: I’ve known that ziploc bag of warm hog diarrhea since back when it was warm hog food, and I can’t think of a better choice to lead our ag department. Frankly, that baggie of pig shit is twice the man I’ll ever be.
Ted Cruz: Donald Trump is a genius. He knows what Americans want, and what Americans want is bags of warm hog diarrhea! The wokesters can have their human beings. Give me receptacles of pig doodie or give me death!
Tim Scott: I’ve been saying from the beginning that we need more bags of hot pig runs in government. God bless Donald Trump for having the courage and wisdom to put a ziploc bag under a hog’s asshole and making this happen.
Rick Scott: If Donald Trump says we need a bag of warm hog diarrhea, then from now on that’s all I drink!
Mitch McConnell: Please just let me die.
Sigh. Brace yourselves, SPs. The outrages are just beginning, and we have no intention of ignoring them. We’re gonna call out every last fucking bag of hog shit we see. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Matt fucking Gaetz. How is this not some sick goddamn joke? JFC. More: Politico
Note three: Well this seems painfully relevant…
Note four: Gaetz actually already resigned from Congress to get ahead of a House Ethics Committee report into his drug use and allegations of sex trafficking. So yes, this is about as fucked up as it gets and we’re still just at the beginning. More: Politico
Note five: Americans need to see that House Ethics report. Like now.
Note six: There’s a new Mitch McConnell. He’s basically the same asshole as the last Mitch McConnell, which sucks for us but also sucks for the MAGA bros who wanted Rick Scott. More: NBC
Note seven: If you’re trying to figure out how this country could elect an irredeemable leperous asscheek, then consider for a moment that half the nation can’t fucking read.
Note eight: We’re not really in the mood to trash Democrats these days, but Dick Durbin needs to step down from the Senate Judiciary Committee. We need a warrior to take on Trump’s nominees, and Dick ain’t it. More: Axios
Note nine: David Axelrod wants Rahm Emanuel to be the next DNC chair. Maybe Vice President Harris should use her “turn the page” slogan against our own party. More: The Hill
Note 10: One of the responsible and grown up Republicans was detained by police at Dulles after mixing Ambien and alcohol. We don’t know the whole story, but we do know Meet the Press needs to stop treating this idiot like he’s the responsible grown up of the GOP. More: NBC
Note 11: The people convicted of seditious conspiracy against the United States have started asking for pardons. It’s gonna be pretty fucking gross when they start receiving them. More: News-Journal
Note 12: Anyone kinda want to see this twisted kiss-ass jump three fight high and scratch his head and then fuck all the way off to hell?
Note 13: LOL! Doodie Pooliani’s lawyers just quit. They probably figured out they ain’t ever getting paid. And that Rudy is the scum of the earth. More: CNN
Note 14: Congratulations to Craig Melvin, who is taking over for Hoda Kotb. Thank goodness men are finally getting some promotions. Sorry. Bad joke. More: NBC
Note 15: We freaking love Vice President Harris, and we continue to believe she and her team ran a great campaign. But they have got to stop sending those dang fundraising emails. More: NBC
Note 16: Can someone explain to us how we did so much in states like Nevada while losing at the top of the ticket?
Note 17: Holy freaking crap these idiots are gonna make Lara fucking Trump a U.S. fucking Senator. None of us are prepared for just how insanely stupid this is all gonna be. More: New Republic
Note 18: Jill Biden called Melania after this summer’s assassination attempt. And Melania is mad about it. What a trashy goddamn idiot. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Chuck Todd. Yeah, we know he sucks and is the absolute worst. But yesterday we were kinda glad to see him sucking and being the worst. In these times of chaos, it’s nice to know some things won’t change. Chuck Todd is going to continue to be a total asshead.
Note 20: And on that stupid note, let’s go do some news! The dumb shit is coming fast and furious these days, and we sure hope y’all are doing ok. We know things are bleak, but at least we have each other and sweet, sweet cuss words. Love y’all!
Russia, if you’re listening
So the pretense is gone, and Putin is now in charge of our national secrets. Trump announced yesterday that Tulsi “Tulsky” Gabbard is his pick to be our top spy as Director of National Intelligence. She’s actually a good pick for this because she’s been a Russian spy for years and has lots of experience. Of course that makes her a good pick for Russia. For Americans, it’s a total goddamn national security disaster. Tulsi is an Assad apologist, a Russian agent and an anti-LGBTQ fanatic. Suffice it to say we hate her.
More: The Atlantic
Next act?
We have no idea what VP Harris is going to do next, and we hope she gets a long vacation after she and Biden leave office. But a new poll out yesterday suggests that if she wants to, she could become the next governor of California. With Newsom leaving office because of term limits, Harris could be the immediate favorite to win the Democratic primary in a crowded field. Something to think about.
More: KTLA
Hilarious
We have been desperate for a good laugh, and our TBS joke machine has been acting up. Thank goodness for The Onion. The geniuses running that joint teamed up with Sandy Hook families to buy Alex Jones’ InfoWars at auction. YES! And they signed a multi-year advertising deal with Everytown for Gun Safety. They said they plan to use the site to do parodies of idiotic conspiracy theories and really make fun of the kind of scum who would torment the parents of school shooting victims. This is the funniest fucking thing we’ve seen in a while, and it’s exactly the kind of creative thinking we need to break through the right-wing media. Well done, Onion.
More: The Onion
Today’s clips
US President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Matt Gaetz as his nominee for attorney general, putting forward a firebrand who has tussled with Jewish groups, embraced an antisemitic conspiracy theory and associated with a Holocaust denier. More: Times of Israel
Over the last two years, a narrow Republican House majority has fought bitterly over everything from electing a speaker, keeping the government functioning and even passing symbolic messaging bills. Those divisions led to one of the least productive congresses in modern times. More: NBC
Police confirmed that they responded to a call involving white nationalist Nick Fuentes and a woman who appeared to show up at his Illinois home Sunday unannounced after he was doxxed online. More: NBC
I tussled with a troll a few days ago when I posted that I was adding "illiterate" to my list of adjectives for the American voter. He responded, "that 80iq iligitimate DEI vice presdent should be in Jail!" IKYN – ACTUAL SPELLING.
Fucking David Axelrod needs to go the fuck away to wherever it is that we no longer need to pay attention to his motherfucking moron fucking stupidity.
Rahm Emanuel is why the hell we've been in the hole we've been in since 2010. That mortherfucking worthless piece of shit is the pissant whose first actions when he arrived in the White House as the inexperienced Obama's Chief of Staff was to fire Howard Dean at the DNC, author of the 50 state strategy that was why Obama was there with a 62-seat senate and a house majority big enough he could get Obamacare done. Emanuel said Democrats only needed to concentrate their limited resources on "winnable races." He then proceeded to shut down Obama For America, the most successful grass roots presidential organizing campaign I ever saw in 60 years in politics. This was done just as the Republicans were unveiling the astroturf Tea Party.
So then, in the decennial year 2010, Emanuel's bullshit moron decisions meant Republicans got to choose their fights, and the result was the Republican majority that led to the Great Gerrymander that put us on our ass for the past 14 years. HE. DID. IT.
Rahm Emanuel doesn't deserve to be head of the DNC, he deserves to be put against a wall and have his fucking head blown off. That or send him to Hollywood with his equally worthless genius brother Ari, where all they could do is fuck up movies and profesional wrestling.
David Axelrod and every other over-educated, under-intelligent, otherwise-unemployable low achieving upper middle class white boy in the DC "Democatic Consultant" shops should be taken out and a cannonball chained to their ankles, then throw them off the 14th Street Bridge to finally put their worthless selves to good use as fish food. The motherfucking morons are responsible for every Democratic fuckup of the past 50 years. (I know because I had to work with their useless Ivy League asses back then - dumber than fuck then, and dumber than that now)