Bluff called

It’s Wednesday. There are 587 days until the midterm elections. The Greenland invasion begins, the brain worm guy is going to kill (more) kids and the Atlantic calls BS.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s got lots of good reasons for it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are ya today? Well you smell terrific. And that’s good because everything else smells like total butt right now. And during times like these, we like to unwind with a good movie. When we’re feeling really nostalgic, we watch something in which Americans are the good guys taking on Russian bad guys. And aside from (original) Red Dawn, there is no better example of this than Rocky IV.

There is a crucial scene in the final fight in that movie (spoiler alert!) when Rocky is getting his ass kicked by the seemingly invincible roided out Russian and we’re starting to wonder if Rocky is gonna die like Apollo Creed did. And then Rocky throws a wild punch that cuts the Russian fighter’s eye. “The Russian is cut!!!” the announcers scream. Rocky’s corner man says, “see? He’s not a machine. He’s a man.” Anyway, we’re embarrassed to say we had never heard of James Andrew Malone before last night, but he’s our new Rocky and the South African is cut.

Fuuuuuuuuuck yeah, baby!!!! Suck on that shit, Elon! Ya know, SPs, the question we get asked most often about this here cussing newsletter (other than “why do you guys cuss so much?”) is do you really think we’re gonna have elections in however many days and our answer to that is you’re goddamn right we do! And we’re gonna win them too.

Maybe we’re delusional or just cracking up under the early days of American fascism, but you can bet your hot asses we’re gonna have real elections. You know how we know? Because we’re Americans and we’re sure as shit not gonna let anyone take them from us. Nope. Not on our fucking watch. Will Trump try to cheat? Of course! Russians always do! But we ain’t dead yet, and we need to tune out the voices that say we are. If you don’t believe us, just ask James Andrew “Rocky” Malone or that Russian punk he knocked out. We’re down, but we’re sure as shit not out. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Democrats also successfully defended a statehouse seat in Pennsylvania last night, giving them a 102-101 majority. Elections matter. Fuck off to anyone who says different. More: CBS Pittsburg

Note three: Kristi Noem is visiting the concentration camp in El Salvador today. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll be dog-lovers. More: AP News

Note four: We’re not linking to it, but Politico has a story about how the big rallies Bernie and AOC are having are making centrist Democrats nervous that the party will move left. Maybe these whining idiots should be more worried about the fascist takeover of America and start thanking the people who are actually fighting back against it. NO LINK

Note five: Well this made us positively giddy. The idiots being sued for the classified text transcripts had their case assigned to the judge that Trump and his gang of scum have been attacking and insulting for the last two weeks. LOL!!!

Note six: We mentioned in that opening note that Trump will try to cheat. Yesterday he showed how. He wants to federalize all elections and let Elon Leon audit everything. This shit ain’t happening, but it is pretty dang scary. Still, it’s just an executive order so ignore the breathless reporting that treats it like a done deal. More: MSNBC

Note seven: Trump went on one of those kiss-ass pretend news shows last night and said he might set up a government fund for reparations for the Jan. 6 scum. We’re sure that would be a welcome use of taxpayer dollars and we dare him to go for it. More: The Hill

Note eight: We now know the government will run out of money in August if Congress doesn’t raise the debt ceiling. So in other words, we now know when Chuck Schumer is gonna fuck us again. More: The Hill

Note nine: There’s a big to-do over Rep. Jasmine Crockett’s insult of Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. It’s not something we would have said, but we’re also not gonna be the two white assholes who try to police the language of a Black woman during a time of re-segregation. More: The Independent

Note 10: The main reason we are sitting out all Senate races is because we’re just sick and tired of busting our asses to get these folks elected and then watching them become all Sinema and shit.

Note 11: Three goddamn Senate Democrats (Durbin, Shaheen, Hassan) voted to confirm a dipshit FDA director last night who pushed herd fucking immunity during the pandemic. We will ask again – what the fuck are we doing here? More: The Hill

Note 12: And while they were taking that vote, we learned that Trump’s CDC is looking to take back $11.4 billion in funds for state and community health departments. Seems like we should be against this, right? More: NBC

Note 13: JB Pritzker has been on a tear lately and we are loving it. Git ‘em, JB! More: WGN-TV

Note 14: We want to highlight the work of an independent journalist who is doing some really, really important stuff. Georgia has arrested a woman for having a miscarriage. It is insanely fucked up and we only know about it because of the efforts of Jessica Valenti. This is some really ugly stuff, and we are grateful to Jessica for bringing it to light. Thank you, Jessica! More: Abortion Every Day

Note 15: While it’s true we’re pretty down on Senate Ds right now, we are digging this energy this morning…

Note 16: We’re surprised and delighted by this but our broken and corrupt Supreme Court just ruled in favor of gun violence activists who wanted background checks for people who buy ghost gun parts. Hooray for the rare day when SCOTUS ain’t trying to kill us! More: CNN Politics

Note 17: How seriously is Fox News taking this massive national security breach? They literally refused to let their national security reporter on the air because she was telling the truth about it. Sounds like a real news outlet to us. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Happy birthday to the great Nancy Pelosi! And also Martin Short because that guy is hilarious.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we thought we’d all just delight in the smug arrogance of this drunken weasel who has been revealed to the whole world as a fucking idiot. Have a drink, Pete. You’re gonna need it.

Note 20: And on that embarrassing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if you worked to win those races in Pennsylvania, then we owe you a coke. Because that’s some damn fine work. Love y’all!

We’re so sorry

Hey, Greenland, we seriously can’t apologize enough. We felt bad enough when it was just Usha Vance going to watch a dogsled race. But now that it’s her couch-fucking nazi husband too, we are mortified. It’s pretty obvious that our rapist president is planning to take this country by force. When he does, it will be on all of us to make clear to the world that it is not being done in our name. Jellybelly Dickface (JD) Vance even put out a video announcing that this was a recon mission. Leave Greenland alone!

More: NBC

Kid killer

We continue to believe it was a mistake to put an anti-vaxx ex-junkie with a dead worm in his brain in charge of our health. The latest reason for this belief is RFK Jr. telling parents of kids with measles to just take a whole lot of Vitamin A. You can guess what happened next. Yeah, kids started showing up at the hospital with liver damage from too much Vitamin A. Literally nobody should be taking medical advice from this dumb motherfucker. Nobody.

More: The New York Times

Bluff called

So yesterday after the Atlantic reported that Trump’s idiot national security team had accidentally included a reporter on a Signal thread discussing classified war plans, Team Trump did what they always do – they lied. In a Senate hearing yesterday, top officials insisted that there was nothing classified in the text thread and that the whole thing was no big deal. They then went on Fox to make up a bunch of silly shit about how journalist Jeffrey Goldberg must have hacked them. Well this morning Goldberg called bullshit and posted the whole damn thread and it is stunning. You have a bunch of meatheads talking about bombing an apartment building to get one guy and then cheering when they do. It’s gross and embarrassing and they also all lied under oath. Someone needs to get fired and go to jail over this.

More: The Atlantic, CNBC

Today’s clips

Federal authorities took an Tufts University into custody on Tuesday night and revoked their student visa, according to Sunil Kumar, the school’s president. More: HuffPost

Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency is moving to downsize the Social Security Administration with office closures, cutbacks on phone services and new rules requiring in-person visits for some prospective beneficiaries to register. More: NBC

More than 8 million people are under red flag warnings on Wednesday, as firefighters continue to fight wildfires in the Carolinas. More: NBC