Billionaire butthead brawl!

Happy Friday. There are 515 days until the midterm elections. A warning from 42, America’s a-hole psycho dads are fighting and it’s ok to enjoy this.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s why we can say HOLY SHIT THIS IS DELICIOUS!

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, is anything going on? We’re just kidding of course, as Christmas has clearly come early — if Santa and his top elf were both nazis hacking at each other with machetes. It’s like Godzilla vs. King Kong except probably smellier. The billionaire butthead brawl we’ve all been anticipating for months finally arrived yesterday, and it was just as entertaining and horrifying as we all hoped and feared. Like the only way to describe this part is just holy fucking shit…

Wooooooooooow. The next Mar-a-Lago orgy is gonna be super awkward. Bet these guys don’t even make eye contact. Like everyone, we were hooked on every second of this wild and depressing shit, but we needed more. So here’s an interview with Jake Tapper…

Us: So you must feel like a real asshole.

JT: Why? I think you’re missing that the important thing here is Joe Biden…

Us: Seriously, motherfucker?! The richest weirdo in the whole damn world said Trump is a pedophile and you’re still talking Biden? What the hell is wrong with you?!

JT: I really need to sell books. My personality is burning garbage, and my friends aren’t cheap.

Us: That’s pathetic, dude. So do you want to weigh in on Trump vs. Elon?

JT: I’m a-scared. When I talk about Trump he gets mad and I pee myself.

Us: That’s what we thought. Get it together, chickenshit.

Ok so was that gratuitous? Yeah, probably. But we couldn’t resist. How dumb do you have to feel to write a whole damn book attacking the last president when the current president is wrecking the country, the richest man in the world and himself? Great work, Jake. LOL. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We think the funniest joke we saw on social media (from a few different accounts) was “Alien vs. Sexual Predator.” Goddamn that’s clever. We can’t get enough of these, so please share your favorites in the comments.

Note three: Good news! Sorta! Sam is heading back, and we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming next week. Thanks for being patient with us!

Note four: What has been your favorite part of the billionaire butthead brawl? Ours was Kanye and Alex Jones begging their asshole shithead dads to stop fighting. Either that or Elon calling for Trump’s impeachment. Or Trump calling to kill Elon’s federal contracts.

Note five: We really thought this was gonna be the funniest thing that happened yesterday. It was a simpler time.

Note six: Some good news about a real non-billionaire person. The high school kid who was taken by ICE while on his way to volleyball practice has been released. It would have been better news if they’d never messed with a kid to begin with. More: Associated Press

Note seven: There are so many irredeemable fuckheads in the Republican Party these days, it can be easy to forget how much Ted Cruz sucks. And then he says he wants to make Pride Month into Life Month to celebrate SCOTUS overturning Roe and it all comes screaming back. Christ what a fucking asshole. More: HuffPost

Note eight: It took Jellybean Doodiehead (JD) Vance way too long to offer a weak statement siding with Trump last night. The ripples of this crap fight are just amazing to watch. More: The Economic Times

Note nine: Apparently there was an NBA game last night. Who knew? More: ESPN

Note 10: You gotta love it when the German Chancellor has to remind the American president that actually it was a good thing when the nazis lost.

Note 11: Trump said he was going to end the Russia war against Ukraine on Day One. Now he says “maybe it’s better to let them fight for a while.” Just a reminder that Putin killed a one-year-old two days ago. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Megan McCain has always been a disaster of a human being, but now she’s selling bogus “detox” for people who wish they hadn’t gotten the COVID vaccine. Her dad must be looking down with great pride. More: The Independent

Note 13: Thank you to AOC for continuing to be very good at this and also cracking us up.

Note 14: A judge granted Harvard a temporary restraining order against Trump over his evil attack on international students. Gosh, Trump sure does lose a lot. More: WHDH 7News

Note 15: Congrats to the Pittsburgh Steelers on signing RFK Jr.’s brain worm to be their quarterback. Good luck curing every injury with ivermectin.

Note 16: Tesla had a very, very bad day today. Tee-hee. More: BBC

Note 17: The drug dealer that Trump pardoned just got $31 million in bitcoin from an anonymous source. But don’t worry. It’s probably fine. More: WIRED

Note 18: Someone had to say it

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have to think Jimmy Kimmel. On Jimmy’s show the other night, Don Johnson had us fucking dying with his stories of getting high at the Carter White House. We knew about Willie Nelson and the Allman Brothers, but we had zero idea Don Johnson was involved. This is our kind of American history. Or should we say high-story? No. No, we shouldn’t. More: HuffPost

A warning from 42
We’ll get to the good stuff in a minute, but first, a warning from former President Bill Clinton. While appearing on The View, Clinton said he is worried that the courts won’t hold until the midterm elections, noting that Trump is ignoring a SCOTUS order to return Kilmar Garcia. We also really appreciate his dig at SCOTUS who will most definitely decide too much presidential power is a bad thing once a Democrat is president again. This is good messaging, and we are here for it. More: HuffPost

Holy shitballs!
Today the world will watch to see if the two biggest assholes on the planet will continue to try and destroy each other or if they’ll make peace so they can continue to try to destroy the rest of us. After threatening to decommission one of his SpaceX ships, Elon backed down last night. So now we wait to see if he folds. Remember this is a guy who wussed out of a fight with Zuckerberg. Regardless, this has been fucking wild to watch. Bannon is calling for SpaceX to be nationalized (we don’t hate this) and for Musk to be deported (we don’t hate this either). To us the lesson here is that men are too emotional to be president and/or the richest person in the world, and we would be better off with women in those positions. More: HuffPost

It’s ok to enjoy this
Shit has been bleak for the last few months. Our country has been wrecked in front of our eyes, and the people doing it get off on our misery. So we make no apologies for enjoying the hell out of watching Trump and Elon beat the shit out of each other. What we do not understand for even one fucking second is the instinct by some elected Democrats to go on social media and lecture all of us for caring about this. Also, it’s sure as fuck not a distraction that the president of the United States is being accused of being a part of a pedophilia ring. Of course we’re still horrified and working to stop the Republican bill, but we can do more than one thing at once. Thank you to the Democrats, like Dan Goldman, who understand that. Have fun and be as nasty as you wanna be, SPs. Don’t let anyone steal your joy over watching two scumbags destroy each other. More: Axios

Today’s clips
A day after blistering exchange, Trump calls Elon Musk 'man who has lost his mind' More: ABC News

California Gov. Gavin Newsom reportedly met with White House Hollywood ambassador Jon Voight on Thursday and “expressed interest in working with” President Donald Trump on revitalizing the California film industry. More: Mediaite

Looking at new ways to pay for their sprawling bill for President Donald Trump’s domestic agenda, Republicans are exploring ideas to slash “waste, fraud and abuse” in Medicare, several senators said Thursday. More: NBC News

Michelle Obama is giving fans a glimpse at “The Look,” her new book coming out in the fall. In the book, she reflects about how her appearance during her time in the White House was “constantly being dissected” and aims to “reclaim more of that story” for herself. More: NBC News

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