Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s really struggling to decide which Mitch McConnell jokes are ok.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we found ourselves at a fork in the road this morning. And while we usually follow the advice of the late great Yogi Berra and just take that fork, today we had to actually make a choice. We could either scare the shit out of you talking about Trump and AI or we could talk about Ted Lasso. We’re choosing Ted Lasso because y’all are awesome and you’re probably already scared enough these days.
So why are we talking about Ted Lasso? Well because we saw something that has us thinking about how Coach Lasso took a handmade sign that said “BELIEVE” and hung it up in the locker room. This is what we saw…
Well good golly Miss Molly. Or something else corny that Lasso would say. Those numbers are so shocking they even brought Mitch McConnell back (halfway) from the grave. Remember where we were a year ago when taking the Senate seemed like such a longshot? Remember after the ‘24 election when it seemed like we might not even be able to have elections again? Remember when Ted Lasso shocked us all by declaring he and his team were gonna “win the whole fucking thing?” Well we remember. We remember it all. And now we are believers.
So today we’re asking you to do two things. The first is to adopt one of these Senate candidates like they’re an adorable pound puppy. Please care for them, feed them, love them and get their asses elected. And second, please believe. It ain’t over until we say it’s over, and we ain’t saying that shit. We can do this. We can win the United States Senate. And then we can really make Trump and his scumbags cry. And we think even Coach Lasso would be ok with that. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Kash Patel and Scott Bessent are testifying in front of the Senate today. We hope they have a really, really shitty day. And then we hope they fuck all the way off. More: ABC News
Note three: How big of a tent is the Democratic Party? Well apparently we just welcome Karl Rove. He can sit in the corner as long as he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t touch anything. More: HuffPost
Note four: We’d like to wish everyone a happy National Hispanic Heritage Month! It runs from Sept. 15 to Oct. 15 and it sounds like a good excuse to tell our Hispanic friends how much we love them and also party our hot asses off. More: NBC News
Note five: Mitch McConnell is alive. Damnit. At least we think this counts as alive…
Note six: We don’t love higher interest rates. But man it’s gonna be hilarious to watch Trump shit ketchup over his handpicked Fed Chairman raising rates just before the midterms. More: AP
Note seven: Jared Kushner is corrupt as fuck and Democrats better be prepared to make him sweat. This is probably why Democratic leaders shouldn’t be taking meetings with him behind closed doors. More: The New Yorker
Note eight: It really is fucking terrifying to ponder all these AI creeps and a demented president who wants to let them run wild. Terminator 2 was at least a smart movie. This is all just stupid and gross. More: The Guardian
Note nine: Btw, you can tell Trump is really starting to panic that anti-AI forces might fuck up his precious stock market. Because you know he doesn’t actually know jack shit about the technology itself. More: AP
Note 10: You know how we said we didn’t want to scare you today? Well sorry about this…
Note 11: You know how Trump keeps saying we have plenty of missiles and shit? Well he’s lying. We know. We couldn’t believe it either. More: NBC News
Note 12: The Senate is supposed to take up a crypto bill today that would help Trump be more corrupt. We will be watching to see which corrupt Democratic senators sign on. More: NPR
Note 13: So we’re just catching up on who replaced Maria Bartiromo. Meet the new freak; same as the old freak. Yikes.
Note 14: Why doesn’t Jesse Watters want to tell his audience the truth about the Reflecting Pool? And when is his scummy ass getting sued to hell and back? More: MediaMatters
Note 15: RIP to Bob Mackie. We just assumed Trump’s fashion sense killed him. More: AP
Note 16: Every single person involved with these torture devices in Florida needs to die in prison. More: AP
Note 17: We really had a hard time picking our favorite moment from the Emmys last night. The Catherine O’Hara tribute had us bawling. But we’re going with this because Martin Short makes us piss ourselves laughing every time we see him. GIVE THIS MAN AN EMMY!!!
Note 18: It’s Tuesday so people are somehow still voting. It’s your turn, Delaware. Please punish every single officeholder who bent over backwards to help Elon Musk. Thank you for your attention to this matter. More: WDEL
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to the Emmys so we can congratulate Stephen Colbert and his team on winning the big one last night. Suck it, Trump.
Note 20: And on that sweet note of karma, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week so far. And we really hope you’ve seen Ted Lasso so that the opening note wasn’t just gibberish. Love y’all!
See You Soon, Junior
Soon-to-be House Oversight Chairman Robert Garcia is putting Don Jr. on notice. The news that Junior let a Russian oligarch pay for part of his wedding actually got some traction yesterday as even the big news organizations couldn’t ignore a bombshell of that magnitude. Democrats are demanding that Junior preserve all documents and communication about what went down. We think our favorite part of this fucked up story is how Junior’s new wife went on Instagram yesterday and confirmed the whole goddamn story while also asking what the big deal is. We’re really excited to see Junior get the Hunter Biden treatment. We just hope there are no dick pics this time.
More: The Hill
Too Far for SCOTUS
Well, we got an early sigh of relief yesterday when the Supreme Court called bullshit on Trump’s efforts to fuck with mail-in ballots. With all-time fuckheads Sam Alito and Clarence Thomas dissenting because they couldn’t wreck how America does elections, a majority invited Trump to go fuck himself. It seems pretty obvious that Trump will try again after the midterms because Kavanaugh said he’s open to the ideas but not this close to an election. Trump is big mad about the whole thing this morning, writing a very long and rambling screed about how this court has “rendered some of the most destructive, hurtful, and damaging decisions in our Country’s history.” He’s right. But he’s right for the wrong reasons. Enjoy the butt hurt, Donnie.
More: AP
Not-So-Happy Ending
Illegal handjob enthusiast and New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is now in charge of deciding which political speech you’re allowed to hear at a concert. Apparently. After the rapper Macklemore called for an end to violence in Gaza and said “Free Palestine” while opening for Ed Sheeran, Kraft called Sheeran and told him that he either had to drop Macklemore from the tour or he wouldn’t be able to play at Kraft’s stadium. And because Sheeran is a gutless wuss, he complied. Kraft then went on to call what Macklemore said “hate speech.” Isn’t it great to live in a country where scummy billionaires get to decide what speech we’re allowed to hear? Fuck Kraft. And for good measure, fuck the Patriots too.
More: NBC News
Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — A nonprofit run by Black federal lawmakers launched a multimillion-dollar effort Tuesday to engage lower-propensity voters in key districts in the midterm elections, following years of dissatisfaction over traditional efforts to reach such voters. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump on Monday nominated the wife of “God Bless the USA” singer Lee Greenwood to serve as the U.S. ambassador to Barbados and the Eastern Caribbean. More: AP
California Gov. Gavin Newsom made a surprise announcement that he won’t launch a 2028 White House bid if former Vice President Kamala Harris decides to run again. More: NBC News
A Trump loyalist heading a “grand conspiracy” investigation into some of President Donald Trump’s grievances signed a subpoena seeking testimony from former CIA Director John Brennan just before he resigned from the Justice Department last week, his lawyer told a court Monday. More: NBC News
NEW YORK (AP) — A last-ditch Trump administration effort to hunt for noncitizen voters ahead of November’s elections is requiring federal employees to misrepresent themselves on voter lookup tools in a way that likely violates state laws, according to a federal whistleblower’s statement released Monday. More: AP
Sally Field took an apparent swipe at President Donald Trump for antagonizing Canada on a mostly apolitical night at the Emmys.
The two-time Oscar and four-time Emmy winner had just received an award for her role in “Remarkably Bright Creatures” when her thoughts turned northward. More: HuffPost
Comedian Chelsea Handler played a game of “Who’d you rather?” involving acolytes of Donald Trump.
And she absolutely went there. More: HuffPost
I really hope that Kansas flips. They maintained reproductive rights, and have other things going for them, as well.
I'm hoping that Texas will keep the momentum it’s got leaning purple.
I’m glad that Trump mail in voting got shot down.