Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Michael Cohen to go fuck a light socket.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the funniest fucking thing in the world happened yesterday. Four days into Natalie-gate, Trump called in a special favor. Technicians at Mar-a-Lago went down several hundred feet into the subterranean lair and began defrosting the First Lady. And for the first time in a long time, she showed up at what’s left of the White House…
LOL! Yeah we missed her. Like we miss HPV. Putting aside for a moment how off-putting she is, how hilarious is it that Jon Ossoff rattled this White House so badly that they had to interrupt Mel’s nonstop vacation so she could pretend to be Trump’s wife for a little while? They are shook! We hear they’re even getting her a new coat that says I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY HUSBAND’S WEIRD STALKER; DO U?
We wanted to find out how bad it really is, so we reached out to Natalie Harp for comment…
Us: Hey Nat!
Natalie Harp: SHE CAN’T HAVE HIM BACK! I SWEAR I’LL BURN DOWN THIS WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING!
Us: Ok then.
Natalie: The trees and the wind are laughing at me. Only Orange God can save me. I must nap in the trunk.
Us: Yeah, good luck with that.
This whole story is a mess. But thanks to Melania, it’s now a hilarious mess. And we want to again thank Jon Ossoff for not being afraid to throw a punch, proving that a Democrat can move the news when they try. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Hallelujah we’re doing some therapy!!! We are long overdue, and our real therapists are about to give up. How about today at 3:30 p.m. ET/12:30 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then!
Note three: Professional scum Michael Cohen made up with his old boss yesterday as Trump maneuvers to get his felony conviction tossed out. We always thought Trump was the sleaziest piece of shit on the planet. Our apologies to Cohen for leaving him out of that conversation. Eat shit, Mike. We know it’s your favorite food. More: NBC News
Note four: If you pray, say a prayer for the poor Haitians being targeted by the U.S. government. God we suck right now. More: The Independent
Note five: Meet the Press is fucking garbage, and Angie Nixon is a badass. Remember when we thought that nobody could be more pathetic than Chuck Todd?
Note six: Nancy Kissinger died. And Henry Kissinger is still quite dead. More: Fox5NY
Note seven: We’re sending love to Gary, Indiana, which has been without power for days. We sure hope they’ve gotten word about the president’s new helipad. More: AP
Note eight: Here’s an interesting story about who the next White House press secretary might be… we’re just kidding. Why would we give a fuck about who’s going to lie to us next? NO LINK
Note nine: We don’t call women crazy. In our experience, women are totally sane and brilliant and amazing until some asshole dude makes them crazy. But man, these letters from Natalie to Trump are bonkers. More: HuffPost, The Daily Beast
Note 10: We really didn’t want to show you this. We know how much the Sexy Patriots love animals. This made our hearts hurt. What kind of cruel, heartless fuckstains would do such a thing?!
Note 11: Here’s a question — why was there so much outrage directed at Uncommitted in Michigan after 2024, but the Democrats openly campaigning against Abdul El-Sayed are getting a pass? Weird. More: The Hill
Note 12: Thank you to Rosie O’Donnell for taking it to Trump all week as guest host of the Kimmel show. We sure enjoyed it. We’re not sure the president did. More: HuffPost
Note 13: Republicans are not even attempting to hide their bigotry these days. Anyone wanna make sure we beat this fucking asshole?
Note 14: We’re being lied to about how much damage Iran has done to U.S. bases in the Middle East. Shouldn’t that be a big deal for the press? More: MS Now, New Republic
Note 15: We somehow missed this story about Suckass Sam Alito making $3 million from oil and gas interests since joining the court. But hey at least he recused from oil and gas cases. We’re kidding. He’s corrupt as all hell. More: The Guardian
Note 16: We’re not super familiar with this source, but several Black people have been found hanging in the South and we need to talk about it. We’re sorry that we haven’t brought more attention to what’s happening. More: EmeraldBook.org
Note 17: The Treasury Secretary doesn’t know why the cost of oil is rising. Wasn’t this dumb motherfucker supposed to be the smart one?
Note 18: Bill Maher says that Ben Affleck refuses to do his show. And this is why we love Ben Affleck. Well this and Argo. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, let’s check in on Trump’s approval numbers and lol holy shit. We are below the Bush line. And Zeteo is reporting this morning that Trump advisers think his numbers could even fall into the 20s. Ouch.
Note 20: And on that freefalling note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And don’t piss off Jon Ossoff. Dude ain’t fucking around. Love y’all!
Racist Piece of Shit
It turns out that the birther guy who has been resegregating the government is a racist fuck. We’ve all known that for a while now, but he still manages to shock the shit out of us. The latest disgrace is the news that the Navy might scrap plans to name a new aircraft carrier after a Black man who was a bonafide hero at Pearl Harbor so they can instead name it after Trump. Doris Miller was a real American hero. Trump is a draft-dodging disgrace. It’s amazing with all the horrors happening that we still have the capacity to be this pissed off, but man this is fucking infuriating.
More: NBC News
Trading Up
Eric Swalell is having a rough time these days, and we are happy to hear that. We are even happier to hear that voters in his California district have replaced him with someone wonderful. We want to congratulate Aisha Wahab on her win in last night’s special election. We also want to congratulate Democrats for being the party that kicks out its creeps. The two parties ain’t the same.
More: AP
Beef Boy
Oh Trump is getting desperate. With inflation sticking around and the cost of non-poisonous food still high, Trump announced this morning that he is cutting tariffs on beef imports. This is great news for foreign ranchers. But putting aside this specific move, it’s obvious that even Trump’s dumb delusional ass is starting to realize that the numbers are real, the economy sucks and America hates him. Ok so maybe he’s not realizing all of that. But he’s clearly desperate to get prices down before early voting starts. We don’t think it’s gonna work.
More: CNBC
Today’s clips
Minnesota health officials are warning consumers not to eat certain brands of alfalfa sprouts that have been tied to an unusual outbreak involving different disease-causing bacteria. More: NBC News
Iran said on Friday that its response to any new U.S. threats would be “devastating” after Washington pledged to impose the toughest financial penalties in history with the aim of toppling the Iranian leadership. More: NBC News
NEW YORK — Heavy rain and winds pounded the Northeast U.S. on Thursday as storms tore through a beach on Long Island, stranded dozens of people in their cars in New Jersey and knocked out power in parts of Delaware’s capital city. More: NBC News
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Asia-based USS George Washington aircraft carrier is now operating in the Middle East, the U.S. military said Thursday, relieving a long-deployed carrier following reports of mental health challenges and supply shortages aboard while it was supporting the Iran war. More: AP
TORONTO (AP) — The premier of a Canadian province launched a blistering attack on U.S. President Donald Trump on Thursday, calling him a “bad person” and “not to be trusted” and urging Canada to keep fighting rather than rush to make concessions in trade talks with Washington. More: AP
Neutrogena acknowledged Thursday that it made onetime spokesperson Hayden Panettiere“feel unsupported during a very difficult time.” More: HuffPost
In the past seven days, the name “Hasan Piker” has been uttered more than 180 times on Fox News. More: HuffPost
Anna Faris opened up about parenting a “religious” son when she isn’t religious herself on Thursday’s episode of Chelsea Handler’s podcast. More: HuffPost
Just from living in hell these past 10+ years, and doing a LOT of reading, and living in a red shithole, I've always believed MAGAts to be about 18-20%. It was never as large as they've pretended. It was the independents who elected Trump and those days are gone for him. His polls are finally reflecting the truth.
"Here’s a question — why was there so much outrage directed at Uncommitted in Michigan after 2024, but the Democrats openly campaigning against Abdul El-Sayed are getting a pass? Weird."
Because Centrist/Moderate democrats suck, and have always sucked.