Be Best

Happy Friday. There are 207 days until the midterm elections. Pete Hegseth is a damn liar, the president gets off on snuff films and an inflation spike courtesy of an idiot’s stupid war.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can accurately report that Trump is a goddamn mess.

Sexy patriots, you’re the reason this newsletter is breaking through and becoming a real force in independent media, and we’re so damn grateful for every share, every subscription, and every bit of support. Keep spreading the word and bringing others into this movement, we’re just getting started.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s been almost 24 hours since Melania Trump made the whole world think she is guilty of some pretty heinous shit by publicly and surprisingly announcing that she didn’t do any heinous shit, and we still don’t know what the fuck any of it was all about. With this crew, you just never know if it’s stupidity, incompetence, lunacy or some unholy combination of all of them. Like what do you even say about this?!

Oh yeah she’s really guilty. Like really REALLY guilty. Like what the fuck even was that? If Trump really didn’t know she was gonna do this, then that’s honestly kinda hilarious. And while it’s infuriating to see this vapid dunce put the onus on the survivors and Congress to get justice when her goddamn name is in the goddamn files and her goddamn husband is in the goddamn files, we are glad she helped bring the issue back to the forefront — out of nowhere — amid her husband’s stupid war.

And because we try to find something funny amid horrible and fucked up things, we tried to imagine what it’s like to be Melania’s publicist. So here’s how we think an interview would go…

Us: So how much do you hate your life?

Melania’s publicist: I never thought I’d smoke cigarettes. Now I smoke three packs a day and I lace them with model airplane glue. They say they’ll kill me. But when?

Us: That doesn’t sound great.

Melania’s publicist: I don’t even cry anymore. What’s the point?

Us: Yeah, you’ve really got that thousand-yard stare thing going on. Still, you are definitely going to hell.

Melania’s publicist: You promise?

Yikes. That one scared us a little bit. But if we’re honest about it, Melania scares us a little bit too. It was the way she said Chreestmas. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Our therapy marathon continues this afternoon at 8:30 PM ET/5:30 PM PT. If you missed yesterday’s session, you can get caught up below and you can click here to read the comments from the live! We think these are helping because we don’t wake up crying as much as we used to.

Note three: We know it’s not exactly news, but Trump had another meltdown. This time he went after MAGA media who are pissed off about his stupid war in Iran. At this point, all he has left is Mark Levin and the New York Times. More: HuffPost

Note four: The federal government tried to lock up a professor because he removed one of their tear gas canisters from a crowd. A jury said fuck that. So another loss for Trump. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re definitely going to war with the Vatican, aren’t we? And we’re probably gonna lose that shit too.

Note six: Maybe Melania freaked out yesterday because she just found out that America hates her. The rest of us have known that for a while. More: Yahoo

Note seven: There’s some interesting stuff in this NBC focus group from Maine. Is it good when people refer to their own party as “spineless?” More: NBC News

Note eight: House Republicans prevented Democrats from voting on an anti-war measure yesterday meant to limit Trump’s war powers. So yeah, the whole fucking GOP owns this dumb shit. More: NBC News

Note nine: We hate John Fetterman more than Fox News loves John Fetterman. It sucks butt we have to wait another two years to send this asshole home. More: Mediaite

Note 10: You aren’t imagining it. Republicans really are trying to take us back to the 1950s.

Note 11: Pete Hegseth lost in court again yesterday. This is becoming a habit for him. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Trump made a Pizzagate freak an immigration lawyer. So yeah that’s how fucking stupid everything is. More: Minnesota Reformer

Note 13: Man, Israel has a big problem. Watching Bibi drag them to hell is infuriating and heartbreaking. Kinda like watching Trump do the same thing to us. More: Pew Research

Note 14: It feels so damn weird to be rooting for Thomas Massie in next month’s primary, but here we are. It’s not that we like the guy. We just like what he has done for the Epstein survivors and we like it when Trump is mad. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We were about to condemn this, but fuck it. Git their asses, Hunter.

Note 16: It’s going to be fucking hilarious — and great news for the free world — if Trump and Couchfuck’s efforts to save Viktor Orban blow up in their fugly faces. More: The Hill

Note 17: We are not familiar with Philz Coffee, and we’re gonna stay that way. Want to get rid of Pride flags? Cool. You’re getting rid of paying customers too, assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Thank you to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz for not forgetting about the people suffering in “Alligator Alcatraz.” This is real shit, and we’re grateful. More: Orlando Sentinel

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish the crew of Artemis a safe trip home. If you want to know when and where you can watch the splashdown, PBS has you covered. Thanks for reminding us that not everything sucks, Artemis! More: PBS

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. And we hope Melania gives another statement today. Because why the fuck not? Love y’all!

Hegseth lies; troops die
We can’t believe we’re linking to a CBS news story, but this one is important. Survivors of the most deadly Iranian attack on U.S. forces said that they were left unprotected despite Hegseth’s lie that the missile that hit them was a “squirter” that got through. This is much worse than what we saw in Benghazi. But we don’t have a Fox News, so Americans will probably never know about this. Unless we take back the House and start having some hearings. Fuck Pete Hegseth. More: CBS News

Fucking nutter
All week it has felt like the wheels are coming off Trumpland. But it’s felt like that for a goddamn decade. Still, it’s obvious Trump is losing what little of his shit he has left. Desperate to change the subject from his losing war against Iran and his wife’s Epstein outburst, Trump did what he loves to do most — watch a snuff film and blame the murder on immigrants. Yeah, the president of the United States literally posted a video of a woman being beaten to death by a hammer. It is truly appalling and if this country had any decency left, this last week of atrocious behavior would be the end of this nightmare. But we don’t have any decency or sense, so we’ll just wait to see what horrible shit he does next. More: The Guardian

About that inflation
Ugh. It turns out that stupid wars started for no reason are not great for American consumers. Or really any consumers anywhere. We learned this morning that inflation has surged back to May 2024 levels, up 3.3 percent since last year. Gas prices are up 21 percent. We know you already knew that, but still. The entire fucking 2024 election was about inflation and high prices, and Trump hasn’t done shit for either. But hey at least we’re getting a fucking ballroom that no one asked for. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
CAIRO (AP) — Iranians have welcomed a fragile ceasefire deal after weeks of Israeli and American bombardment, but many fear the war is far from over. For some, there is also a sense of whiplash, after U.S. President Donald Trump threatened to wipe out their civilization hours before he reversed course and agreed to an uneasy truce.

More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — President Donald Trump’s administration this week acknowledged it made a significant error in figures it used to help justify a fraud probe into New York’s Medicaid program, a glaring mistake that undercuts a federal campaign to tackle waste, mostly in Democratic-led states.

More: Associated Press

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — A man imprisoned for nearly 30 years before being exonerated won a landmark election in New Orleans promising to fix a judicial system that failed him. Now, Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry and the GOP-controlled Legislature are racing to eliminate his job before he can be sworn in. More: Associated Press

BEIJING - At an unusual meeting Friday, Chinese leader Xi Jinpingtalked with Taiwan’s main opposition leader about shared culture and bloodlines, before declaring that unification of the island with the mainland is a “historical inevitability.” More: NBC News

NEW YORK — An immigration appeals board has denied Mahmoud Khalil’s latest bid to dismiss his deportation case, a largely expected ruling that brings the former Columbia University graduate student and Palestinian activist one step closer to re-arrest and possible expulsion. More: NBC News

Protests over high fuel prices in Ireland entered a fourth day on Friday, sparking concerns about fuel shortages and emergency services as demonstrators clogged roads and blocked access to refining and distribution sites around the country. More: NBC News

There’s one perhaps unusual problem the crew of NASA’s Artemis II has to be mindful of while aboard the spacecraft: their farts. More: Mediaite