Ballroom Blitz

It’s Monday. There are 190 days until the midterm elections. A King meets a fake King, a chaotic beltway butt-kissing weekend and Trump’s shocking interview.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t need to hide in a ballroom because everyone hates it.

Note: Just another normal weekend, right Sexy Patriots? This fucking asshole can’t even go to a dinner without some stupid shit happening. Yeah, we didn’t get the memo that we’re supposed to speak in hushed respectful tones and wear kid gloves when discussing our special boy president and his special feelings. Because fuck that and fuck anyone telling you that…

LOLOL!!! First of all, well done, Rep. Raskin. Second of all, Dana, you can eat the corn out of our poop. When you get done with Trump’s. Now y’all know we are opposed to political violence. We always have been. It’s one of the reasons we hate the Jan. 6 asshole. But there is no universe where we give up our constitutional rights and duties to criticize a shitty rapist, racist president just because he’s so hated that people want him dead. That ain’t on us. It’s on him.

So sorry, Dana, but we’re not going to fold like you. We will continue to criticize, mock and resist a fascist president who delights in violence until it’s directed at him. As always, he can kiss our asses, eat shit and fuck all the way off. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: For all the right-wing whining about how Trump is the only president targeted, we’d like to remind you that seven bullets hit the upstairs residence of the White House while little Sasha Obama and her grandmother were home. Do you think Trump stopped demanding the president’s birth certificate after that? He did not. More: Wikipedia

Note three: We feel like we should be clear about something — it’s ok to hate and resist Trump. It ain’t ok to take a shot at him. If we want to be better than the Jan. 6 trash, then we have to condemn violence and take our country back the good and non-crazy way. We know y’all are too sexy to ever do anything crazy, but we thought we should say something.

Note four: Seriously what is the deal with this fucking ballroom?! That’s the main talking point for the Republican Party after this lunacy? That the president is so fucking hated that he needs a ballroom so he never has to leave the White House? Seems pretty goddamn stupid to us. More: NBC News

Note five: Here’s footage of us trying to find the right Bible verse to say for Trump…

Note six: Don’t ever confuse Thom Tillis for being a real man. He got played by Jeanine Pirro and now Trump is going to get his new Fed Chairman and Powell will continue to get investigated. Man, do Republicans suck. More: NBC News

Note seven: Voters approved new congressional maps for Virginia. Now we’re waiting to see if the state Supreme Court will let them. Doesn’t that seem backwards? More: Associated Press

Note eight: The Vatican is now less sexist than the president. Wild times, man. More: Associated Press

Note nine: We’ve seen Ohio do a lot of dumb shit. But are they really gonna make Vivek their governor? Wasn’t JD enough to satisfy the self-loathing? More: Associated Press

Note 10: It’s a good thing we’re not conspiracy-minded. Because everyone knows the only things that are rigged are the census, the courts and every election won by a Democrat.

Note 11: Just a reminder that the Strait of Hormuz is still basically closed because our idiot president started an idiotic war with no plan. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Barack Obama was very presidential about this weekend’s assassination attempt. Someone had to be. More: HuffPost

Note 13: This is apparently what journalism in America looks like now. Seems like a good way to get pink eye.

Note 14: The dude who wanted to kill Trump this weekend is being arraigned today. We don’t know how, but we’re sure DOJ will fuck this up. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Trump wants to change ICE to NICE so the media will have to call his goons nice all day. So he’s a fucking idiot. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Ok this is pretty funny. This Trump guy tried to start a U-S-A chant at the WHCA dinner and nobody was having it. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Trump is blaming our No Kings rally for this weekend’s hijinx. It really makes us want to do another one.

Note 18: Florida and Ron DuhSantis are about to draw some new maps. LOL. Go ahead. Make our day. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies. We know you all think the president of the United States is a pedophile and a rapist, but he has a great character witness — Cousin Eddie.

Note 20: And on that note that tells us the shitter is full, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and ignored all the crazy. We also hope you’re not so hated that you have to build a ballroom to hide in like some kind of asshole. Love y’all!

No Kings
King Charles is meeting with wannabe King Trump today. It’s the only time we’ve ever felt sorry for Charles. Yeah, we’re still holding a grudge for Di, and we also think the Royals are just as Epstein-y as Trump and his gross friends. We’re eager to see if Charlie will stand up for his country because we know Trump can’t and won’t stop shitting on them. Charles is also expected to address a joint session of Congress during his four-day trip to the U.S. More: CNN

About last weekend
So that was pretty fucked up. By now you know that a California teacher tried to run through security with a shotgun and was stopped by Secret Service. Just to be clear, he was never even on the same floor as Trump. Despite that, the news spent the weekend showing scenes of chaos and Trump falling on his orange ass. The president was reflective for about two seconds and then he started talking about his fucking ballroom and that quickly became the message for the entire GOP. Here’s a thought — if the president of the United States is so hated by Americans that he can’t leave the White House, then he has bigger problems than the lack of a ballroom. More: NBC News, More: Associated Press

Wait. What?!
Wanting to capitalize on the latest reminder that America hates him, Trump sat for an interview with Norah O’Donnell and 60 Minutes yesterday. We had very low expectations considering how much CBS has been bending over for Trump lately, but credit to O’Donnell for asking about the would-be shooter’s manifesto. We never thought we’d hear a president of the United States saying things like this…

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal law enforcement officials are evaluating how to proceed with some high-profile public events featuring President Donald Trump after the attack at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — A soldier betting on an operation to oust Venezuela’s leader. Politicians gambling on their own elections. Massive bets on the president announcing a ceasefire with Iran right before he actually did. More: Associated Press

The Department of Justice on Sunday demanded that the National Trust for Historic Preservation voluntarily drop its legal action to block the construction of President Donald Trump’s White House ballroom, claiming the lawsuit “puts the lives of the President, his family, and his staff at grave risk.” More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON, April 24 (Reuters) - The District of Columbia mistakenly placed several Australian flags instead of British flags near the White House ahead of King Charles’ U.S. visit, although the error was quickly corrected, a D.C. Department of Transportation official said on Friday. More: HuffPost

Ben Stiller’s basketball fandom on Saturday clashed with breaking news on the shooting outside the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, leading some Republicans to question the reason behind one of his social media posts. More: HuffPost

NEW YORK — “Michael,” the big-budget Michael Jackson spectacle, shrugged off bad reviews and a troubled production to launch with $97 million in U.S. and Canada theaters, according to studio estimates Sunday, shattering a record debut for music biopics. More: NBC News