‘Bad Things Can Happen’

Happy Friday. There are 235 days until the midterm elections. The Trump economy really blows, more soldiers die for no reason and Petty Pete has a morning meltdown.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t go around calling itself a visionary like some kind of asshole.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots, and welcome to the dumbshit apocalypse! We didn’t wake up thinking the world was ending, but we watched Pete Hegseth’s desperate and deranged press conference this morning and now we’re getting our affairs in order because we’re all gonna die. Hey Adam and Sam, we’re already on edge so why don’t you hot motherfuckers stop being so negative and morbid? You’re right. Sorry about that. There actually is good news today.

We discovered the man who is gonna end this war…

LOL WUT?! It’s like watching Will Ferrell do a John Kerry impression. We’d like to thank Prof. Kevin Kruse for his suggestion that Trump cabinet members restore confidence in passing through the Strait of Hormuz to show it can be done. We loved that idea so we decided to do something about it. We developed the Strait Shooter.

The Strait Shooter looks like a normal jetski, but it’s painted gold with flames down the side and it has a giant fucking Trump flag flying off the back like the glorious party side of a mullet. It comes equipped with massive speakers to blast Lee Greenwood. And it’s all for Scott Bessent. We want him to throw on a star-spangled speedo and ride the Strait Shooter right through the Strait. Show the world you’re not afraid, Scott! Show us the way, tough guy! Or just keep pissing yourself in the middle of interviews like the wuss you are. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Let’s all pretend to be shocked that Trump is doing a big favor for Putin and helping him kill more Ukrainians. Russia, Russia, Russia was always real, real, real. More: NBC News

Note three: As we all predicted, Trump is already fucking up the World Cup. More: Associated Press

Note four: Troops are dying. Children are dead. And the president of the United States won’t stop fucking dancing. Hell ain’t hot enough for that sonofabitch. And he dances like shit. More: HuffPost

Note five: Today is a terrible anniversary. We will not forget.

Note six: Our ally Israel did some gross shit yesterday. We’d like to go back to a time when rape and sexual assault and sodomizing some poor dude with a goddamn knife are considered bad and war crimes. More: Associated Press

Note seven: With all the crime happening, someone needs to make a note to remember to arrest the DOGE douches and lock them up. More: 404 Media

Note eight: Are y’all watching the Paralympics? There are so many beautiful stories! More: HuffPost

Note nine: Hey um why the fuck is this pipe rising out of nowhere? It’s always so embarrassing when those things rise without any warning and in public. More: Japan Times

Note 10: Melania the Moron did more moron shit yesterday. Our favorite part was when she referred to herself as “a visionary.” LOLOL! The delusions of grandeur are going to be studied for decades.

Note 11: A truly horrifying story out of Michigan yesterday. We’re sending love to all of our Jewish friends who are scared right now. More: Associated Press

Note 12: There was also a shooting at Old Dominion University yesterday. So that’s two terror attacks on American soil on the same day. We’re starting to think Trump hasn’t made us safer at all. More: 13 News Now

Note 13: Anyone in the mood to hate some scumbag celebs? First of all, fuck Hugh Jackman. Wolverine can kiss our taints. More: People

Note 14: And Katherine Heigl can eat shit too. Though we’re not sure she’s still technically a celebrity. Apparently she gave up acting to pursue a career in sucking. More: Variety

Note 15: “Pronouns or prices?” Damn that’s smart. With the primary behind us, we’re now cheering on James Talarico. Because he’s pretty damn good at this stuff and Republicans are clearly freaking the eff out…

Note 16: How badly is Trump’s stupid war going? The Couch Canoodler has started leaking to the beltway press that he had nothing to do with it. Sure, Sofaboy. Whatever you say. More: Politico

Note 17: Tommy Tuberville is a disgusting pig. Actually we take that back. Pigs are pretty smart. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We’re gonna talk about Passed Out Pete Hegseth’s pathetic press conference in the news section. But we wanted to take a moment to call out his obvious lie that they are still investigating who murdered all those little girls. The Pentagon knows where their tomahawks land. They knew right away they killed those children. And now they are lying and hoping we’ll all forget. We won’t. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it ain’t really that happy. It’s American happy, which means something fucking awful happened and then something good happened later. In this case, a high school hockey player who lost three family members in an ice rink shooting last month scored a game-winning goal. Congrats to the young fella. More: WCBV

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING — Since that one was pretty mixed, here’s Christopher Walken in one of our all-time favorite music videos…

Note 21: And on that catchy note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. Unless you’re Scott Bessent. That weird wanker can go blow a goat. Love y’all!

The Golden (Showers) Age
We know y’all already know this, but Trump’s economy really sucks. This morning we learned that inflation is still high and GDP from the last quarter of last year was anemic. Trump’s idiotic tariffs and tax cuts for rich assholes set us on a path to economic ruin. Trump’s dumb war is gonna help us get there faster. At this point, the only thing keeping us afloat is a deluded Wall Street. More: CNBC

Senseless
The total number of American soldiers killed in Trump’s stupid war rose to 13 this morning after six more were killed in a refueling plane crash in Iraq. When asked about them this morning, SecDef Pete Hegseth said “bad things can happen” and then he went back to whining about his media coverage. It makes our fucking blood boil to know that these young Americans died for nothing. Their lives meant nothing to the shit-for-brains gameshow host who thinks this is all a goddamn game. More: HuffPost

Lunatic Time
So we continue to believe it was a mistake to put a drunken accused rapist in charge of the Pentagon. Because this dude is losing his shit and freaking us all out. This morning Hegseth did a press conference at the Pentagon where he did more of his tough talk about killing people and bitched and moaned about the media coverage. CNN reported last night that the Trump idiots had no fucking idea that Iran could shut down the Strait of Hormuz. Pete was obviously very embarrassed by that so he spent the morning attacking CNN, going as far as to say “the sooner that David Ellison takes over that network, the better.” Oops. Good to know that CNN will soon be just more pro-war, pro-Trump propaganda. More: Mediaite

Today’s clips
SINGAPORE/LONDON, March 13 (Reuters) - European stocks fell on Friday as investors grappled with uncertainty over the duration of war inIran, which has disrupted global energy supplies and spurred inflation fears that have upended the outlook for interest rates. More: HuffPost

As a Republican push to pass the SAVE America Act has stalled in Congress, even amid escalating pressure from President Donald Trump, efforts are underway at the state level to fill in the gaps. More: NBC News

Longtime Rep. Jim Clyburn, D-S.C., one of the oldest members of Congress, said Thursday that he’ll run for an 18th term in the House, breaking with two other former top Democratic leaders — Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer — who have decided to retire. More: NBC News

A CNN hot mic caught an in-studio laugh as Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth ended a press conference during which he went off on the network and cheered the takeover effort of Trump ally David Ellison. More: Mediaite

Palestinian actor Motaz Malhees gets emotional just thinking about two lines from his film “The Voice of Hind Rajab,” the Oscar-nominated docudrama on 5-year-old Palestinian girl Hind Rajab’s desperate plea to humanitarian workers in Gaza before she was killed by Israeli forces. More: HuffPost

Nearly every part of the United States is getting walloped by wild weather or just about to be.

Days of downpours have begun in Hawaii. The Southwest will soon bake with day after day of record 100-degree-plus (38 Celsius-plus) heat. Two storms will dump snow by the foot over northern Great Lakes states. And the dreaded polar vortex will again invade the Midwest and East with soul-crushing Arctic chill. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Since starting a war with Iran caused oil and gasoline prices to spike, President Donald Trump has pivoted from a focus on keeping energy prices low to trying to paint high oil prices as a positive. More: Associated Press