Bad Jeans
It’s Wednesday. There are 258 days until the midterm elections. A liar leaves Trumpland, Colbert blasts CBJ and a creep goes before Congress.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it doesn’t hang out with Kid Rock.
Note: Fuck it, Sexy Patriots. We quit. We quit the newsletter. We quit America. And frankly we’re thinking about quitting the whole goddamn human race. Don’t worry. We’re not gonna do anything drastic, and we’re probably not serious about quitting. But we are going to gargle some Drain-O, pull out our eyeballs with some pliers and then take a running leap into a fucking bonfire. What has us so hysterical and determined to never ever see again? This…
We are so freaking sorry to show y’all that. Dude. What the effing fuck even is that? It’s basically just guy-on-guy porn but without the integrity, solid acting and satisfying ending. These freaks never even kiss each other! Instead they just do a bunch of super weird shit and then one of them gives us the finger. And no, we don’t want to know where that finger has been. This whole thing is so fucking weird that we frankly weren’t sure what to do with it. So here’s an interview with RFK’s workout jeans…
Us: Um hi.
RFK Jr.’s workout jeans: Please kill me.
Us: Oh gosh. Is it that bad?
Jeans: I wouldn’t wish this kind of hell on a pair of khakis. And I fucking hate khakis.
Us: Your life does seem like a nightmare.
Jeans: It’s worse than you think. He has never taken me off. Not once. Not even when he poops. He just sits on the toilet and shits himself. It doesn’t make any sense!
Us: Yikes.
Jeans: You have no idea. I used to have the 501 Blues, and now I just want to die.
Us: Hang in there, gross jeans!
How’s that for perspective? Sure, a madman is wrecking our national and possibly global health, but at least you’re not his blue jeans. Thank goodness for small blessings. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: If you read that and thought “gosh those guys really need therapy,” then you’re in luck. How about today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 PT? Super duper. See you here on Substack then!
Note three: It’s a Tuesday, so there might be elections where you are. If there are, you should vote. And if you vote, you should vote against assholes. Like this traitor in North Carolina. More: Bolts Mag
Note four: This isn’t politics news, but YAY FOR Mikaela Shiffrin!!! More: USA Today
Note five: We hate this motherfucker so much that we will happily cast our primary vote for whichever Democratic candidate embarrasses the shit out of him…
Note six: It’s Ash Wednesday. We don’t want to be offensive, but wouldn’t Ass Wednesday be more fun?
Note seven: It is fucking disgusting how the media knives are out for AOC. Trump craps himself in the Oval Office and threatens Denmark, but AOC said “um” a couple of times so she’s obviously not qualified. Gosh, it sure is hard to tell if there’s sexism involved here. More: CNN
Note eight: This is a massive win for non-idiots. The FDA is backing down and will review Moderna’s new flu vaccine. Someone must have told RFK that there are chunks of unicorn dung in it. More: HuffPost
Note nine: Americans want a do-over on the 2024 election. Unfortunately that’s not how things work so we probably shouldn’t have been dumbfucks the first time around. More: HuffPost
Note 10: Wait. Did he say a yellow star?!
Note 11: Everyone pretend to be surprised that Susan Collins sold out women. Democrats, use everything you’ve got to block this bullshit. More: NBC News
Note 12: Gavin Newsom is busting his ass to protect billionaires. Not cool, man. Of course all that anti-trans stuff is pretty shitty too. More: Associated Press
Note 13: We were pulling news this morning when we came across this HOLY FUCKING SHIT story. Republicans U.S. Rep. Tony Gonzales had an affair with one of his staffers who then killed herself by setting herself on fire. So when is this piece of shit resigning? More: Express News
Note 14: LOLOL!!! A bunch of economists told the truth about tariffs and Kevin Hassett wants them punished for it. What a weenie. These free speech guys sure were full of shit, weren’t they? More: CNBC
Note 15: What would we do without dogs? If you haven’t seen this good boy having a blast at the Olympics, we highly recommend it.
Note 16: Early voting is underway in Texas today. That seems crazy to us, but November will be here before you know it. More: NBC News
Note 17: Anyone else surprised we’re not at war with Iran yet? Trump must be waiting on the rest of the Epstein files to drop. More: CNBC
Note 18: Kaitlan Collins is pretty good at this stuff. How the hell did she ever work for Tucker Carlson? More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, get ready to bawl your sexy eyes out. Minnesota state Sen. John Hoffman returned to work yesterday. And it sure is fucking dusty in here. More: KTSP
Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far. And we really hope you don’t work out in jeans like some kind of fucking freak. Love y’all!
Ta-ta, Trish
One of Trumpland’s most egregious liars — and damn is that really saying something — is stepping down. DHS spokeswoman Tricia McLaughlin is stepping down. Or at least she says she is. Who the fuck knows? Tricia has been the tip of the administration’s spear when it comes to lying to the American people to defend ICE’s despicable abuses. Whenever ICE has shot or assaulted someone, Tricia has been quick to lie about the victims. If it were up to us, this piece of trash would be headed to the Hague. But instead we’re sure she’ll get a nice corporate job. Oh well, she’s always welcome to eat shit. More: NPR
Git ‘em
Stephen Colbert ain’t afraid of David Ellison and Bari Weiss. Colbert went off on CBS last night after his station made him not air an interview he did with Texas Senate candidate James Talarico. With early voting starting today, Talarico basically got an in-kind contribution from the FCC. We stay the eff out of primaries, and we’re not really looking at this as a political story. Instead, we see it as more proof of corporate censorship. There are unconfirmed reports that Trump is going to stop Netflix from buying Warner Bros. so that the same fucks who broke CBS can do the same thing to CNN. Someone should tell him that CNN already sucks. More: HuffPost
Les is More (Disgusting)
If you’re like us, you’ve been reading the gross Epstein shit and wondering when accountability is coming. Well, it’s probably gonna be a while. But at least the creeps are squirming. Today, Victoria’s Secret founder and Epstein enabler Les Wexner is testifying behind closed doors. The House Oversight committee will hopefully grill this weird fucker about his involvement in a global pedophile ring. The testimony isn’t public, and Les can invoke his Fifth Amendment rights. But it’s still nice to see a super rich super creep hauled in front of Congress. Rot in hell, Les. More: ABC6
Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — Democratic candidates have notched a series of wins in recent special elections — but a new AP-NORC poll finds views of the Democratic Party among rank-and-file Democrats have not bounced back since President Donald Trump’s victory in 2024. More: Associated Press
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — The Trump Administration will appeal a federal judge’s order to restore a Philadelphia exhibit on the nine people enslaved by George Washington at his former home on Independence Mall. More: Associated Press
WASHINGTON — A coalition of health and environmental groups sued the Environmental Protection Agency on Wednesday, challenging its determination last week that revoked a scientific finding that has been the central basis for U.S. action to regulate greenhouse gas emissions and fight climate change. More: NBC News
WASHINGTON — Five months after Republican Sen. Bill Cassidy invited Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to appear before the powerful health committee he chairs, the hearing has not happened, and the senator continues to say there is no date set for it to take place. More: NBC News
NEW YORK (AP) — The Trump family company has filed to trademark the use of the president’s name on airports but says it doesn’t plan on charging a fee — at least for a proposed renaming of one near his Florida home. More: HuffPost
Why does the Trump family feel it's necessary to trademark Trump's name for airports? If he puts his name on one, we are just going to remove it (along with the name on the Kennedy Center & the U.S. Institute of Peace) once his regime is gone!
Yeah that CBS Sunday Morning piece on Stephen A Dipshit was about the same level of puff-piece as the barstool sports guy they did about a month ago. And even as a sportsguy loudmouth, he was an idiot and asshole who got way more attention than he deserved. Maybe his gravelly voice makes people think he's smart, or gritty or something, like "gravelly gravitas"...
And the AOC shit is just a rerun of what we can call "the Biden treatment" - every little thing is dissected and negativized, compared to the trumpstein class, who did a pedophile ring and gets the royal treatment from assholes at CNN.