Art of the dumbf**k

Happy Friday. There are 571 days until the midterm elections. Republicans vote to wreck Medicaid, Republicans go to war against ideas and SCOTUS kinda sorta says kidnapping is bad.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we made it to the weekend. Thank goodness. This was a rough one. Ya know, because our dumbfuck president tanked the economy like a dumbfuck. In all the hubbub, we overlooked a story and we’re gonna need to beg for your forgiveness. We did mention it earlier this week, but we didn’t give it the attention it deserved. We’re talking of course about Elon Leon Melvin Musk getting absolutely destroyed while trying to play video games the other night…

Damnnnnnnn. Holy shit that’s the funniest thing we’ve ever seen. It’s real. A bunch of gamers wrecked Elon on a public channel. Delicious. We have reached Giuliani levels of public humiliation. The guy fucking around with our social security and veterans’ care is a total fucking loser dork who just got stuffed in a locker with an atomic wedgie. Really fills you with confidence, don’t it? Anyway, we encourage you to read some of the other righteous abuse thrown Elon Leon’s way. We like to read it when we’re feeling blue. We really love “YOU RUINED THE COUNTRY JUST LIKE YOU RUINED ALL YOUR MARRIAGES,” but the person pretending to be Ashley St. Clair made us pee ourselves.

It really sucks that this weird mean asshead got to destroy the federal government and become the kinda president, but at least he knows how much he is hated by the world and we can all laugh our hot asses off when people make fun of him. It’s the little things. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: If we can be serious for a minute, we wanted to thank y’all for something that happened earlier this week. We mentioned how grateful we are for the sense of community this newsletter has created for a lot of us who are freaked the eff out and twice as angry or just plain sad. Then we saw folks in the comments affirming that community and making clear that none of us are alone in what we’re feeling or what we’re going through. It’s damn comforting to know. Thanks, SPs. We’re grateful.

Note three: Wanna be super pissed off? Jalopy DingusmouthJD) Vance got the base commander in Greenland fired because she had the nerve to tell the troops that the base actually has a pretty good relationship with Denmark. Thank goodness these fucking assholes support the troops. More: BBC

Note four: House Republicans (with four fucking Democrats) voted top ass that bullshit SAVE Act yesterday. We’re gonna need to stop it in the Senate. Don’t you wish we could count on them? More: NBC News

Note five: We very rarely link to the New York Times. In part because of the paywall and in part because they can’t stop kissing the asses of openly racist scum…

Note six: The Senate just voted to confirm Trump’s chairman of the joint chiefs. Trump liked this guy because he allegedly told him that he would kill for him. And yet Senate Democrats still voted for him. Here they are – Cortez Masto, Durbin, Fetterman, Gillibrand, Hassan, Heinrich, Hickenlooper, Kaine, Kelly, Kim, Reed, Rosen, Schiff, Slotkin and Warner. Someone PLEASE tell us what the fuck these people are thinking. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Trump is getting his physical today so prepare to be lied to. Yeah, pretend to be shocked when they tell us he’s 7-feet-tall and 190 pounds. More: Associated Press

Note eight: China just announced 125 percent tariffs on our goods. So yes, we are very much in a trade war and Trump’s damage to the economy this week can’t be magically undone. Art of the dumbfuck, folks. More: NBC News

Note nine: We don’t get into the royal stuff because we’re Americans and we fought a war to not care about that silly shit. But we were happy to see Prince Harry meeting with war victims in Ukraine. We’ve got no beef with Harry. More: NBC News

Note 10: The Elon Leon thing really was the funniest shit that happened all week. Many people are saying…

Note 11: John Stamos is making excuses for why he was hanging out at Mar-a-Lago. John Stamos can go fuck himself. As far we’re concerned he lives in a Full House of lies. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Sen. Michael Bennet is leaving the Senate to run for governor in Colorado. Let’s hope that current governor and Trump weakling Jared Polis doesn’t run for the seat. More: The Hill

Note 13: Don’t worry, everyone. The brain worm ex-junkie guy says he’s going to find the nonexistent link between vaccines and autism by September. That’s how science works, right? More: CNN

Note 14: The Trump administration is now canceling social security numbers. How long until they’re doing this to American citizens they just don’t like? More: CBS News

Note 15: That drunk lady on Fox thinks orphans have had it too good for too long…

Note 16: We laughed our asses off at the social media responses to a penguin taking down a helicopter. We fucked with the orcas and didn’t learn. Now it is the day of the penguin. More: HuffPost

Note 17: European leaders are going to meet with the Chinese about becoming trading partners. Thank goodness we’re respected in the world again. More: Reuters

Note 18: Trump changed his mind about one of his nominees after finding out she condemned him after Jan. 6. So things are going great here in America. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have to thank the Central Park Five, whose defamation lawsuit against Trump can proceed, a judge ruled yesterday. With so many people caving and kissing orange ass, we are extra grateful for the warriors who aren’t afraid to take that asshole on. Git his ass, CP5! More: The New Republic

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are doing ok after another week in hell. Thank goodness we’ve got each other and cuss words. Sweet, sweet cuss words. Love y’all!

Traditional Republicans
The GOP has changed a lot since Trump, but at least they still believe in fucking over the poor to give tax cuts to the rich. Yesterday, with three Democratic vacancies due to deaths and illness, House Republicans voted to pass the framework for their multi-trillion-dollar tax cuts for people like Elon Leon Melvin while also cutting billions from Medicaid and SNAP nutrition assistance. Because they’re doing this shady shit under reconciliation, they only need a simple majority in the Senate to pass it. Anybody else ready to make them eat this shit forever? More: NBC News, Politico

Scary!
Remember when we used to refer to our country as the marketplace for ideas? Well we aint’ doing that anymore because apparently we’ve become such a chickenshit snowflake country that ideas scare us. That’s why we have a young woman locked up having asthma attacks. That’s why Marco Rubio says he has to detain and deport a former Columbia grad student. And that’s what ICE says it's stopping at the border – ideas. If all of this seems scary and pathetic, that’s because it is. America is supposed to be the land of free speech and an exchange of ideas and instead we’ve got a bunch of nazis pretending to give a fuck about antisemitism and using that to hunt people. More: HuffPost, CNN, The Guardian

Yay?
In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court said Thursday night that the Trump administration has to “facilitate” the return of a father who was mistakenly sent to the White House’s El Salvadoran gulag. In a sorta confusing decision, the court left way too much room for the Trump people to just say fuck off and leave that poor guy in prison. SCOTUS sent the case back to the lower court to figure out how to get this dude back, and the administration is already pushing back on the new deadlines the appeals court set. This was a positive outcome from a gutless and corrupt Supreme Court, but this kind of vague bullshit is only going to embolden a fascist president. At some point, Roberts might actually have to grow a spine and a conscience. NBC News

Today’s clips
Donald Trump’s cabinet meeting on Thursday drew mockery online for the cringeworthy way in which the president’s top officials took turns in sucking up to him. More: HuffPost

New York authorities have named two of the adult victims who died in Thursday's fatal helicopter crash as Agustín Escobar and Merce Camprubi Montal, a married couple from Spain. More: NBC News

The organizers of WorldPride in Washington, D.C., may issue a warning to transgender people from other countries about traveling to the capital for the event as the Trump administration targets the trans community with policies like the military ban on transgender servicemembers and requiring passports to match a person’s sex at birth. More: NBC News

There was some foul play in Washington Friday morning as a bird landed on Peter Doocy’s head during a live shot on Fox News, prompting the network’s White House correspondent to scream and duck for cover. More: Mediaite

Alina Habba, the acting U.S. attorney for the District of New Jersey, said Thursday that she would launch an investigation into the Garden State’s top Democrats who reportedly refused to issue arrest warrants for immigrants illegally living in the country. More: The Hill

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