April Fool’s Decade

It’s Wednesday. There are 216 days until the midterm elections. A shameful day at SCOTUS, an asshead addresses the nation and America has turned on Trump.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But we promise no pranks today. We’re stressed out enough as it is.

Note: That last thing we ever want to do is disappoint you, Sexy Patriots. And we really hope we’re not letting you down today. We get it though if you expected better of us. Still, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to make fun of Kristi Noem’s husband. For one, we support sexual freedom without shame for all consenting adults. This is still America, after all. And also we would just feel like dicks making fun of someone like that.

To us, the larger question — aside from the one we have about Bryon’s askew boobies — is who is leaking this shit and holy cow why do they hate Kristi Noem as much as we do?! So we put on our investigative hats, and we found the Deep Throat who is wrecking Fire(d) and ICE. Please welcome to the newsletter, Cricket II…

Us: Wow. This is a shocking reveal. Welcome, Cricket II.

Cricket II: Thanks, guys. Love the newsletter.

Us: Aww that’s so sweet. Thank you. So you’re the one trying to bury the Noems, huh?

Cricket II: Yep. Like a big goddamn bone. I’m her personal John Wick. The Crickets are a proud family, and we seek vengeance against those who have done us wrong.

Us: Yowzer. So there’s more coming?

Cricket II: Yes. I will not rest until OG Cricket is avenged. I have an Arya Stark list and Byron just got crossed off. He could have helped. But he just sat in the chair and watched.

Us: To be fair, we think that’s what a lot of Republican men do.

Cricket II: If you’ll excuse me, I need to go hack Corey Lewandowski’s psych evaluation from when he worked at Dairy Queen.

Us: Godspeed!

Man, remind us to never fuck with dogs named Cricket. That puppy ain’t messing around. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Daily Mail, Forbes

Note two: Man, Bruce Springsteen is not fucking around, and we are really here for it. More: HuffPost

Note three: This is another one of those things we’d be celebrating wildly if it didn’t have Trump stank all over it. Still, good luck and safe travels to the astronauts heading to the Moon today. More: NBC

Note four: Our idiot president might well announce tonight that he wants to pull out of NATO. If only he’d done the same with Ivana. It remains infuriating to us that no reporter has the guts to ask Trump about his constant insults of NATO’s contributions in Afghanistan. More: CNBC

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but as always, Serwer nails it…

Note six: Trump is losing so badly that he’s trying to nationalize our elections. Don’t worry. This shit will die a quick and ugly death. More: AP News

Note seven: Donald Trump has doubled the national debt. We sure are shocked that Republicans lied when they pretended to give a shit about this. More: Reason

Note eight: This is just too perfect. Trump said his presidential library won’t be a library because he doesn’t believe in building libraries or museums. That’s a real thing he said. Fucking idiot. More: HuffPost

Note nine: A top FEMA official believes he teleported to a Waffle House. We don’t have a joke. In fact, this might have broken what was left of our brains. More: CNN

Note 10: We really need to teach these dumb motherfuckers some basic history…

Note 11: We want to wish a safe and happy Passover to all of our Jewish friends!

Note 12: Well this is kinda awesome. It seems that Jan. 6 ain’t done with Trump just yet. More: Politico

Note 13: Cory Booker says that Democrats have failed the moment and called for “generational renewal.” Is he fucking joking? Does he not remember voting for Charles fucking Kushner? More: The Guardian

Note 14: A federal judge says the Trump administration can force UPenn to turn over a list of all the Jewish employees at its school. So are they just supposed to send them directly to the guy Trump hired who says he has a “Nazi streak” or should they send them to the Jan. 6 scumbag in the Camp Auschwitz t-shirt? More: NBC

Note 15: The average cost of gasoline in the U.S. hit $4 a gallon yesterday. Here’s the president of the United States not giving a shit.

Note 16: Btw, right now the U.S. men’s soccer team is playing warm-up games before the World Cup, and it ain’t going so great. Trump is totally going to disown this team and blame Obama for their losses. Can’t wait. More: Middletown Press

Note 17: A judge said yesterday that Trump needs congressional approval for his fucking ballroom. Anyone else sick of hearing about this stupid shit? More: AP News

Note 18: We don’t think Rep. Susie Lee needed to delete her tweet wishing that SCOTUS would “fuck [Trump] to his face.” Frankly, it spoke to us. More: Mediaite

Note 19: Today’s Happy Ending ain’t all that happy. But we do want to take a second to praise librarian Luanne James, who was fired yesterday after refusing to move LGBTQ-friendly kids’ books to the adult section. We hope she sues Rutherford County, Tennessee to hell and back. Thank you for standing up for what’s right, Ms. James! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that resistant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all make it through this stupid and awful day. But we know you will. Because you’re Sexy Patriots. Love y’all!

Suck it, SCOTUS

John Roberts brought great shame upon the High Court when he agreed to hear a stupid, racist and offensive challenge to birthright citizenship and the 14th Amendment. As many others have pointed out, even the racist scum who ruled in Plessy v. Ferguson didn’t stoop this low. Making matters even more grotesque, Trump waddled his orange ass up to the court this morning to try and intimidate them into overturning some of the most plain language in the constitution. As many legal scholars have noted, even one vote for this would be a travesty. But so is this fucking court.

More: AP News, The Guardian

What else is on?

Trump is planning to address the nation tonight to update us all on his stupid goddamn war in Iran. We expect to hear him say he’s declaring victory and getting the fuck out because even he knows these gas prices are unsustainable. But we also expect him to fuck with NATO, ramble about his stupid ballroom and audible shit his pants. We didn’t have to do this, America. We could have had the nice, smart woman. But no. We had to have the idiot. Trump is already claiming that Iran wants a ceasefire. The only problem? Iran says that’s horseshit. Even worse? We believe Iran.

More: NPR

Timberrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

Earlier this week, we saw a couple of polls that had Trump’s approval numbers falling all the way to 33 percent. We figured they were one-offs because that’s brutal even for this asshole. But this morning, CNN dropped new numbers that show him at 35 percent overall. On the economy, he’s at 31 percent. On inflation, he’s at 27 percent. These are record lows for him. And this is the guy who attacked the fucking Capitol. Despite a mainstream media and an entire political party trying desperately to prop him up, Trump is sucking wind. But only because he sucks.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — TMZ built its brand tracking celebrities. Now it’s turning its attention to Congress, chasing down paparazzi-style shots of lawmakers on break from Washington during a record-long partial government shutdown. More: AP News

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — A California woman who had been living in the U.S. for 27 years before the Trump administration deported her to Mexico in February reunited with her daughter this week after a judge ordered her return. More: AP News

LONDON, April 1 (Reuters) - Prime Minister Keir Starmer said on Wednesday that the global instability caused by the Iran war means Britain should pivot to focusing on closer economic and defence ties with Europe, following repeated criticism from U.S. President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump was greeted by a mix of cheers and boos Tuesday for the opening night of “Chicago” at the Kennedy Center in Washington, which is scheduled to close for two years of renovations he sought. More: NBC

An American journalist was kidnapped in Iraq on Tuesday by suspected Iranian-backed militants, according to the State Department and the country’s Interior Ministry. More: NBC