An Iowa A$$-whoopin’

It’s Wednesday. There are 433 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s goons get caught spying, a super creepy cabinet meeting and Iowa rocks.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to say we don’t give a shit about Cracker Barrel.

Note: What was that weird feeling, Sexy Patriots? No, not that one. The other one. It happened yesterday. Our mouths curled upwards and we briefly stopped sweating the end of democracy and probably humanity. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce got engaged. And we were very excited and we definitely didn’t cry or need to breathe into a paper bag for five minutes. Then we saw this gross shit…

Well, well, well. Look who’s changed his tune on Tay Tay. That motherfucker better recognize. We were dying to know how America’s favorite couple took the news of Trump’s endorsement of their vows, so here’s a TOTALLY NOT REAL interview with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce…

Us: Hey, y’all! We’re so flattered you joined us!

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce: What is this? How did you get in here?

Us: We’re a cussing newsletter! What did you think of Trump wishing you well?

TS and Kelce: Well he did the same for Ghilaine Maxwell so not great. But seriously you guys need to go before we call the police.

Us: Will you invite the president to your wedding?

TS and Kelce: Seriously? We’re glad you’re interested in our lives, but you know that crazy bastard referred to himself as a dictator again yesterday, right? He’s using the military against Americans while turning the federal government into his own tool of revenge and corruption. Fascism is here!

Us: So have you thought about any themes for the wedding yet? You can’t go wrong with cussing newsletter wink-wink.

TS and Kelce: This country is fucked. We’re calling the cops.

Well that was exciting! We should note again that was not at all a real interview. We adore Taylor and Travis almost as much as we adore not being sued by them. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you thought that shit was crazy, check out yesterday’s therapy session!

Note three: If we all get our identities stolen, we can blame the weirdo losers at DOGE who put our goddamn social security numbers on the goddamn cloud. Idiots. More: Associated Press

Note four: The president of the United States was up at 2 a.m. threatening Seth Meyers. We eagerly await Jake Tapper’s book about this crazy shit. More: HuffPost

Note five: This is why you don’t make a draft-dodging limpdick who hates the military the commander-in-chief. The greatest military in the history of the world is picking up garbage.

Note six: Trump has now taken control of Union Station away from Amtrak. So yeah, he’s gone straight up Stalin. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Trump is also threatening to arrest George Soros and his son and their “West Coast friends.” Ya know, because he’s so worried about antisemitism. More: Yahoo News

Note eight: We have some polling choose-your-own-adventure. Reuters has Trump’s approval staying steady at 40 percent with 38 percent supporting his gross troop deployment and 46 percent opposing. The AP has his approval rating rising from 40 percent to 45 percent with 53 percent approving his handling of crime. Maybe Democratic leadership should be talking about his fascist invasion of American cities instead of hiding like pathetic cowards. More: Associated Press, Reuters

Note nine: Need to feel better about the world? Yeah, us too. So please meet Inga Ruginene, the new prime minister of Lithuania. Nice to see countries that aren’t as sexist and self-destructive as ours. More: Politico

Note 10: You simply cannot imagine the press coverage if Barack Obama had said this. Tapper would be shirtless and openly sobbing and Fox would have already broken out the pitchforks and torches.

Note 11: FEMA employees are desperately trying to warn the public that Trump has gutted the agency and people will die. So of course they were put on administrative leave. There is no truth except for what Dear Leader says. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Cracker Barrel caved to the crackers. And while we love their country-fried steak, we shan’t be going back. Or maybe we will because this is all really fucking stupid and we don’t actually care. More: CNN

Note 13: Fox News kiss-ass John Roberts has a bad case of malaria. Oh well. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Try not to think too much about the election-denying lunatics who are getting jobs overseeing our elections. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We were gonna make this the Happy Ending, but please enjoy this video of Mainers shouting at Susan Collins while she smiles like a soulless dead-eyed freak. Concerning.

Note 16: While we were very happy to hear about Travis and Taylor, the right-wing creeps responded creepily. Charlie Kirk told Taylor she’s not in charge and she should “submit” to her husband. We liked politics better before all the serial killers got involved. More: Media Matters

Note 17: Republican town halls are going very, very badly. So bad, in fact, that this deranged motherfucker lost his shit and started warning about the rise of the Ottoman Empire. We really should stop electing morons. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Well the good news is the House Freedom Caucus is about done. The bad news is there is no difference between them and the rest of the shit-for-brains Republican crazies. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we really can’t stop laughing. Trump and Bullshit Bondi wanted to put Sandwich Guy Sean Dunn in prison for hitting a stormtrooper with a Subway sandwich. But they couldn't even get a grand jury to indict him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! More: New York Times

Note 20: And on that hilarious and satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is going ok-ish. We also hope we get invited to Taylor and Travis’s wedding. After they drop the restraining order. Love y’all!

Been caught spying
Well this is embarrassing. The dumbshit who wants a Nobel Peace Prize has been caught running Russia-like active measures in Greenland in an effort to foment unrest and drive the island closer to Trump. Denmark has summoned the American envoy to call his ass out for this grotesque attack against one of our allies. Let’s also not ignore how incompetent and clumsy this stupid crap is. Trump wants us to be Russia. Sadly, it’s working. More: Associated Press

What the fuck was that?
Speaking of Jake Tapper books, we can’t wait to read the one about the crazy man who held a three-plus hour cabinet meeting yesterday where cabinet officials went around spouting idiotic conspiracy theories and kissing Trump’s ass until their lips bled. If you didn’t see it, good for you. Seriously when the fuck did we become North Korea and why are so many Americans ok with this creepy shit?

IOWA!!!
Well now we know why Trump and the GOP are doing everything they can to rig next year’s midterms. Because they are going to fucking lose. Big time. How do we know? Look at Iowa. Last night, Democrat Catelin Drey won a special election for the state Senate by 11 points. Trump also won this district by 11 points. Yowzer. Not only is this making Republicans doodie their underoos, but it also breaks the Iowa Republican Senate supermajority. Be afraid, Republicans. Be very afraid. More: Des Moines Register

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump's promised 50% tariffs on India took effect on Wednesday, as the U.S. risks blowing up a relationship considered crucial in its effort to counter the rise of China.NBC News

Gov. Wes Moore (D-MD) blew off President Donald Trump’s invitation to sit with him at a football game in a clip that Fox News host Will Cain omitted when he was checking Trump’s false story about Moore praising him. More: Mediaite

Podcast host Joe Rogan on Tuesday said President Donald Trump and his minions failed to produce evidence that the 2020 election was stolen from him. And if Trump were serious about making his argument, Rogan added, he would have 10 minutes of facts at the ready to rebut doubters. More: HuffPost

Kilmar Abrego Garcia, who has become the face of President Donald Trump’s hardline immigration agenda, wants to seek asylum in the United States, his lawyers told a federal judge Wednesday. More: HuffPost