America’s history

It’s Wednesday. There are 447 days until the midterm elections. Bad signs ahead of Trump’s surrender to Putin, the brain worm guy doesn’t care he got someone killed & America is getting a new history.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never messed up anyone’s Disneyland vacation. Except that one time.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we make fun of Vice President JD “I Fucked Your Furniture” Vance a lot. And we’re gonna do it again today. Yeah, Vance has been making the podcast rounds to try and appear more human and less keep-that-guy-away-from-our-living-room, and the more we learn, the more we’re creeped out and pissed off.

Did you hear him say how much he enjoyed Disneyland even though he acknowledged he probably fucked up some other families’ vacation? And now he’s talking about going to Hawaii? We’re so glad he’s enjoying himself on our dime. Maybe after Hawaii, he and his family can go straight to hell or back up Trump’s ass. But as infuriating as this is, it’s not what we wanted to talk about today. In this clip, we learn from Stephen Miller’s wife and Elon Leon’s mistress (same person) that Miller only eats mayonnaise. And not just as a condiment…

Ewwwwww! That is so gross and not at all surprising! Can you imagine being such a dedicated white supremacist that you only eat mayo? He probably only drinks milk and only writes with chalk. No wonder the little nazi shit is always angry and screaming — his digestive system must be in revolt. It makes sense though. He looks like someone we would call a mayonnaise-eating motherfucker.

Anyway, it’s unlikely he’ll choke on mayo, but we seriously doubt a person can live long subsisting on hate and mayo. So keep eating that Hellman’s, Stephen. And make sure JD doesn’t try to fuck it. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Independent

Note two: Why are Republicans doing everything they can to rig next year’s elections? Because their Big Bullshit Bill literally robbed from the poor to give to the rich. If they don’t cheat, we’re gonna own their asses. More: The Hill

Note three: Our corrupt and broken SCOTUS is going to kill the Voting Rights Act. If Republicans want to know why we call them racists, it’s because of shit like this. More: HuffPost

Note four: The whole world knows that RFK Jr. was cheating on Cheryl Hines during his presidential campaign. Hell, he’s probably cheating on her at this very moment. But she seems very good at lying to herself about it, and that’s what really matters. Trash. More: HuffPost

Note five: So this is what the Washington Post is now. This fucking paper brought down Nixon.

Note six: Damn, we lost Dee. Danielle Spencer, who played Dee on “What’s Happening!!” died yesterday. RIP. More: NBC

Note seven: Politico is reporting that DOGE was a stupid joke. They’re right. But they’re a stupid joke too. More: Politico

Note eight: We are irrationally excited for a new South Park tonight. We’re sure Kristi Noem is too. More: HuffPost

Note nine: It is endlessly fucking wild that Trump is coddling a notorious child rapist and nobody has gotten any answers. We’re just assuming the White House press are fine with child rape. That’s really the only explanation at this point. Sick fucks. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Vladimir Putin has kidnapped thousands of children and murdered even more. He’s even killed some Americans. SO WHY THE EFFING FUCK WOULD A U.S. PRESIDENT BE HONORED TO HAVE HIM ON AMERICAN SOIL?!

Note 11: Texas Democrat James Talarico has really become a star in recent days. We really enjoyed watching him chew up and spit out whoever this limp peen at Fox is. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Wanna be super proud to be an American? Then don’t read this story about how our country abducted a New Zealand woman and her six-year-old and kept them for weeks. What a goddamn disgrace. More: The Guardian

Note 13: It’s not great that the closest thing to a voice of reason in the msm these days is the Wall Street Journal editorial board. More: HuffPost

Note 14: There’s new polling in New York. Zo continues to kick serious ass. But the parts that really got our attention were how much everyone hates Schumer and Gillibrand. And frankly we get it. They did it to themselves, and we don’t give a shit if they lose their primaries. More: WAMC, Spectrum

Note 15: Speaking of Zo, he appears to be making Cuomo regret his decision to keep running. There’s one line in this that made us gasp-laugh. Finish the sex pest, Zo!

Note 16: Earlier this week, CNN’s Harry Enten said that the Epstein story had become a “nothing-burger.” Fortunately for us and the victims, the actual reporters at CNN disagreed. Suck it, Harry. More: CNN

Note 17: Congrats to Jimmy Fallon. He got big ratings by having a Fox News troll on his show. All he had to do was set fire to his last remaining shred of self-respect. Eat shit, Jim. More: The Wrap

Note 18: They’re really gonna do it. They’re really gonna celebrate America’s 250th birthday with a fucking cage match at the White House. Idiocracy was a goddamn documentary. More: AP News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to our friends at Meidas for a banger. Want to feel better about yourself? Then watch this fucking idiot try to say the Pledge of Allegiance.

Note 20: And on that hilarious/depressing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is going well. We also hope that Stephen Miller will eat more than just mayo. We suggest a big plate of shit. Love y’all!

Waving the white(s only) flag

So the whole damn world knows that Trump is going to surrender to Putin in Alaska on Friday. We’re mostly waiting to see if he gives away Alaska too. We all remember what happened when these two got together in Helsinki. It was, at the time, a low-point in American geopolitical history. Expect this to be worse. This morning, while posting on social media, Trump was talking about fucking Leningrad, which hasn’t been the name of a city since the 1990s. Meanwhile, Zelensky is in Europe, rallying people who actually give a fuck about freedom and warning that Trump is about to be played. Trump has spent the week trashing Zelensky and continuing to lie about who started the war. So yeah, this is gonna suck big time.

More: Independent, Kyiv Independent

Murderer

RFK Jr got a cop killed last week, and he really doesn’t seem to give a shit. Yeah, a deranged shithead shot almost 200 bullets at the CDC, killing a cop and terrorizing the dedicated health professionals who work there. So what did the child-killing brain worm creep do? He took another big shit on the CDC, lying about their response to the pandemic. Yeah, he lied and said he didn’t know what the shooter’s motive was, and then he lied about the CDC’s covid response. We have long known that this fucking creep is a real piece of shit. We wish he’d stop trying to convince us of it. And btw, if this seems familiar, it’s because we talked about it yesterday. The rest of the media don’t seem to give a shit, so we thought we’d pick up their slack.

More: HuffPost

America’s history

Sigh. This is a hard one to write. Yesterday Trump ordered a review of Smithsonian exhibits to make sure they “align” with Trump’s view of American history. So yeah, from now on the South won the Civil War. We’re kidding, but this is so extremely fucked up. This is what the Soviets did. America is currently under the control of an idiot dictator, and more news organizations need to start saying it. Fuckhead is using the military against his own people and rewriting history. If this ain’t a dictatorship then what the hell is?

More: NPR

Today’s clips

MAGA firebrand Laura Loomer has locked on Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s closest aide and longtime Democratic activist Stefanie Spear, whom she accuses of using her government access to lay the groundwork for her boss’ 2028 White House bid. More: Mediaite

When artist Amy Sherald canceled her LGBTQ-inclusive Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery show “American Sublime” last month, it was just the latest in a series of censorship episodes involving LGBTQ art at major American museums this year. More: NBC

Another Republican lawmaker has faced a cacophony of boos and jeers when coming face-to-face with the general public to defend President Donald Trump’s legislative agenda. More: HuffPost