America loves Joe

It’s Tuesday. There are 63 days until the general election. Trump and Weirdo sit out Labor Day, POTUS and VPOTUS reunite and Dark Brandon gets his flowers.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And this month it plays a lot of Earth, Wind and Fire.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re sorry. We had planned to do a Labor Day edition yesterday, and we let you down. Now you might think we just decided to honor the spirit of the day and rest while giving thanks to the unions who made our day off possible. And we did do that. But then shit turned dark. Yeah, this is a Labor Day horror story. At around 9:08 a.m., Adam received a frantic call from Sam, who was screaming about “blood everywhere,” how he “had to do it” and how “hats won’t ever fit right ever again.”

That’s because yesterday Sam cut off his own ears with a butterknife.

Yeah, it’s pretty dang messed up, and we know you’re probably wondering what would drive a relatively sane person to do such a thing. Well, it was this… (TRIGGER WARNING: MIGHT MAKE YOU WANT TO CUT OFF YOUR EARS WITH A BUTTERKNIFE)

Yiiiiiiiikes. Well that’s some goddawful shtite. Like damnit it’s bad enough these scumbags are wrecking our democracy and our humanity, but now they want us all to cut off our ears?! Well that sucks. Our official recommendation is that you don’t cut them off. But if you reacted like Sam did, we can hardly blame you. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: On a serious note, Labor Day is behind us now. This is not a drill. It’s time to sprint. November will be here in the blink of an eye, and we have to make sure we don’t have any regrets. Let’s give this everything we’ve got, SPs. There’s nobody we’d rather be in this fight with than you. Let’s fucking goooooo!!!!!!!

Note three: A new ABC/Ipsos poll came out this weekend showing MVP leading Orange Assface 52-46. Please ignore that and keep working. But also woohoo. More: ABC

Note four: Over the weekend, the Harris campaign put out a memo to reporters reminding them that MVP-Walz are still underdogs in this race. We think things look good, but we’ve still got a shitload of work to do. More: HuffPost

Note five: Here was MVP yesterday reminding us of the importance of unions.

Note six: We’d like to join the president and vice president and so many others in extending our condolences to the families of American-Israeli Hersh Goldberg-Polin and the other hostages who were murdered by Hamas this weekend. We don’t have anything smart or profound to say except Bibi needs to make a damn deal. More: AP

Note seven: Just a reminder that right now the mainstream media is sitting on hacked emails from the Trump campaign. Sonsofbitches.

Note eight: According to WaPo, Trump is planning to give Elon Musk a gig auditing U.S. agencies if he wins. Elon spent the weekend posting racist sexist shit about how “high-status males” should be running everything. So yeah, maybe we shouldn’t let either of those freaks run our government. More: Washington Post

Note nine: Some a-holes in Pennsylvania who tried to cheat on Trump’s behalf have to pay up $1 million in legal fees, according to a judge. Just think how much money they could have saved by respecting American democracy. More: CNN

Note 10: This was the funniest and most accurate video we saw all weekend. We hope this young woman has fully recovered from being in proximity to one of the world’s biggest shitheads.

Note 11: Wanna feel older than dirt? Kean Reeves turned 60 yesterday. Yeah, sorry about that. Happy birthday, Keanu!

Note 12: This is really dang cool. The Harris campaign is making an unprecedented investment in down-ballot races, transferring $10 million to keep the Senate, $10 million to win back the House, $2.5 million on statehouse races, $1 million on state attorneys general races and $1 million on governors’ races. One team. Let’s do this. More: Politico

Note 13: This is a wild story. Remember those two dirtbags Jacoh Wohl and Jack Burkman? They were arrested and convicted of dirty tricks. Well they’re back with a new AI firm and they used fake names to start it. Whatever punishment these guys got last time was obviously not enough. More: Politico

Note 14: Y’all, we’re gonna need to pull of an upset in one of these races to keep the Senate. So which one have you adopted as your own? More: HuffPost

Note 15: We will never get tired of hearing Dark Brandon call Trump a “loser.”

Note 16: People have asked why we call him Dark Brandon. The same reason we use the word patriots — because we’ll be damned if a bunch of America-hating dirtbags take these words and names from us.

Note 17: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson has a book coming out, and we wanted to share with you this NPR interview she did. More: NPR

Note 18: House Democrats are asking about the $10 million bribe Trump took from Egypt. It’s really amazing how much Trump has gotten away with that we don’t even think about. More: Washington Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just wanted to show y’all the new campaign plane that’s gonna take us to victory. Lookin’ good!

Note 20: And on that gorgeous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you had an awesome Labor Day Weekend. We also hope you’ll forgive us for making you listen to that Lara Trump song. Hopefully the Earth, Wind and Fire made up for it. Love y’all!

Where’s orangey?

This is one of those stories that’s only a story if a Democrat does it. But Donald Trump has gone missing. At least from the campaign trail. Yeah, Trump and JD Vance decided to take Labor Day off because they hate labor unions and working people. They’re also taking off most of the week. Trump is doing an event with Hannity and Vance is doing an event with Charlie Kirk. So they’re going all-in on the weird asshole strategy. Fine with us.

More: NBC

On the other hand

Our team was out in full force this weekend, hitting the swing states and hitting all the right messages. The best part was seeing MVP and Dark Brandon together again. Biden seems like a man unburdened, and we love seeing him out on the trail stumping for VP Harris. We especially love hearing the applause he’s getting. Speaking of which…

More: The Guardian

America loves Joe

We continue to believe that Joe Biden stepping aside was the most patriotic and selfless thing we’ve ever seen in American politics. And it looks like the American people are starting to agree with us. In a new USAToday/Suffolk poll, Biden hits a high in approval rating with 48 percent job approval to 49 disapproval. That’s actually really damn good, and the best Biden has done in forever. The same poll showed MVP with a net favorable rating (49-46) and Trump with a net negative (42-56). Oh and the poll shows MVP leading the race 48-43. It’s almost like America likes the good people and hates the bad people. Who knew?

More: USA Today

Today’s clips

A top volunteer for Donald Trump's campaign in Massachusetts lost his position after he emailed fellow volunteers and said neighboring New Hampshire was "no longer a battleground state" and encouraged supporters to instead direct their efforts on winning Pennsylvania. More: RawStory

The PAC affiliated with the Congressional Hispanic Caucus is making its first foray into the 2024 general election advertising battles, backing Democratic Rep. Ruben Gallego in the Arizona Senate race. More: NBC