America first (after Elon)

It’s Thursday. There are 628 days until the midterm elections. Hurting kids for Elon’s tax break, Russia cheers and America is about to get really sick.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And we take that responsibility pretty fucking seriously.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Thank you so much for your profane suggestions yesterday for renaming the country. There were so many good choices that we couldn’t just pick one. And really, we were just really goddamn moved to see y’all cussing for this country. We know it seems silly, but to us, there are few things as powerful or as American as cussing out those who would rule us. And until yesterday, we believed there was no wrong way to do that. We were mistaken.

Oh, Maxine, no. No no no no no no. No we do not. If anything, it’s the other way around. But also, we knew what she meant and she’s right. And while it sucks that she traumatized us to hell and back with that fucked up image, she is absolutely right to bring the fire to these sonsofbitches. Maybe she’s just new to cussing. We think a lot of Americans probably are right about now. And that’s ok. Who cares if they tell Trump to shit off or call Elon a piece of asshole or a motherdamner? It’s the spirit that counts. And we love that spirit!

So keep cussing, Maxine! And keep fighting for what’s right! And let’s all fuck Trump! Yikes. Sorry, everybody. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The United States is now sending non-violent criminals who were just seeking asylum to Gitmo and lying about it. They’re also using War on Terror facilities and guards. This one dude got sent there because he had a tattoo of Michael Jordan on his neck. Are we great yet? (We hate to give them credit, but the NYT did yeoman’s work to identify 53 people being held there.) More: CBS, NY Times

Note three: John Fettermanchin says we should all calm down. We want to do a separate newsletter that is just a long list of all the ways he can go fuck himself. More: HuffPost

Note four: Want to hear some really corrupt shit? While Elon Leon is fucking with Medicaid and Social Security, the State Department is about to spend $400 million of your money on fucking cybertrucks. The picture is really coming into focus, ain’t it? More: NPR

Note five: This is how it’s done. Thank you, Rep. Casar!

Note six: AG Pam BS Bondi made a big dramatic announcement yesterday that she was “filing charges” against New York Gov. Kathy Hochul, AG Letitia James and others. Turns out it’s just a civil suit. It’s still gross, but BS Bondi needs to calm down. We also have to wonder if Hochul is finally realizing why she needs to act like a Democrat. More: The Guardian

Note seven: We mentioned that corrupt cybertruck bullshit, but wait until you hear that Elon Leon just settled a lawsuit (that he would have won) with Trump over Twitter and Jan. 6 that results in Elon Leon just straight up giving Trump $10 million. Seems legit. More: The Verge

Note eight: Stores are now limiting how many eggs we can buy. So yeah it took like 15 minutes for us to become the Soviet Union. Fun! More: NPR

Note nine: The Associated Press was kept out of the Oval Office again yesterday as the White House insisted it has the right to tell news organizations which words to use. Anyone else shocked they haven’t caved yet? More: NPR

Note 10: Of all the shit we’ve lost, we’re gonna miss the Village People the least…

Note 11: The flu is really bad right now. If you haven’t had a flu shot, this might be a good time. We need you here and healthy to help us fight these fuckers. More: CNN

Note 12: Senators were gonna be forced to stay in Washington for votes this weekend, but don’t worry — Democrats agreed to make things easier for the people smashing our government so they could all go to the Munich Security Conference and have fancy meals. Nauseating, ain’t it? More: Axios

Note 13: Texas is dealing with a measles outbreak. We doubt it’s going to get better since the U.S. government are now pro-measles. More: CBS

Note 14: Remember when cable news personalities went on television and sobbed uncontrollably about the end of the Afghanistan war? Well can someone tell us why they’re not doing the same about the Americans we fucked over by shutting down USAID while they were still overseas? One family had to leave their dog! More: AP News

Note 15: We live in a fucking South Park episode now…

Note 16: Trump elected himself as chairman of the Kennedy Center yesterday. Ben Folds and Shonda Rhimes resigned immediately. In fact we have to believe the only person in the world who’s really happy about Trump owning a theater is Lauren Boebert. And maybe Kid Rock. More: The Hill

Note 17: Remember how Republicans pretended to give a shit about women’s sports? Well it turns out they were lying and they really just wanted to be bigoted dickheads about trans people. More: AP News

Note 18: This is a question that has really been bugging us. The other day in the Oval, Elon Leon was talking about the net worth of federal employees. How the effing fuck does he know their net worth?! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, HuffPo reporter extraordinaire Jen Bendery posted this yesterday and we really needed to see it. We thought maybe y’all did too.

Note 20: And on that important note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are holding up ok this week. We know this shit is depressing and intense. But at least you don’t have to fuck Trump. Love y’all!

America first (after Elon)

Republicans unveiled the budget they plan to pass in the next few days and holy fucking shit is it messed up. To partially pay for $4.5 TRILLION in tax cuts for rich assholes like Trump and Leon, House Republicans are planning to cut $880 billion from Medicaid (so all of it) and cut SNAP, or food stamps, by 20 percent. And about half of that Medicaid number is for children’s health. And all of this will add about $4 TRILLION to the debt. So yes, Republicans are going to fuck over poor kids and seniors to make Elon Leon even richer, and Speaker Mike Little Johnson said this morning he expects it to pass with unanimous GOP support. Anybody else ready to make them eat this shit?

More: New Republic

Russia Russia Russia

Putin had a really good Wednesday. After his aides cheered the confirmation and swearing-in of new DNI Tulski Gabbard, Trump went to the Oval Office and made clear that he has cut Zelensky out of the process to end the war and decided to give Putin whatever he wants. Trump made clear he believes Russia should be able to keep whatever Ukrainian land he wants while also blaming the Ukrainians for being invaded. Dipshit even criticized Zelensky’s poll numbers. And then after all that, he claimed he was backing Ukraine. It seems that no one believes him as SecDef Hegseth had to clarify today that this is not a “betrayal” of Ukraine. Except it totally is.

More: The Guardian, NBC, EuroNews

Sick fucks

It sure looks like a sexual harasser ex-junkie with a dead worm in his brain is about to be in charge of our health. Sorry. We have no idea how to sugarcoat something this fucked up. Anti-vaxxer and all-around dirtbag RFK Jr. is likely getting confirmed as secretary of HHS today. This is really good news but only if you want your kids to have polio. The fact that Senate Republicans rolled over for Tulsi and the brain worm freak makes clear that there are no moderates in the Senate, and they will rubberstamp whatever Trump does. Our advice is to eat well and drink lots of water and try not to get sick for the next four years.

More: CBS

Trump Golf Track

TrumpGolfTrack.com

Today’s clips

A key Senate Democrat said Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s nominee to lead the FBI, Kash Patel, “may have committed perjury” in testifying he didn’t know about the purge of top officials at the bureau. More: USA Today

What is expected to be Southern California's most powerful winter storm of the season prompted the city of Los Angeles to tell thousands to evacuate Thursday, as fears mount over potentially life-threatening flash flooding and debris flow from burn scars caused by recent wildfires. More: NBC

An asteroid that measures up to 300 feet across could smack into Earth in 2032, and while NASA says the chances of a collision are “extremely low,” the probability has been increasing since the space rock was discovered weeks ago. More: NBC

President Donald Trump believes it would be “much better and more majestic” for Palestinians in Gaza to be relocated to neighboring countries, the White House said Wednesday. More: HuffPost