All the Smoke

It’s Thursday. There are 131 days until the midterm elections. Senate Republicans manage to get more pathetic, we really need to shut down ICE and Trump kicks off a truly crappy birthday party.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has more viewers than Trump’s shitty rally.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, after a decade of watching Trump (against our will), we have determined that he is a lot of things, but mostly he’s an idiot. And an asshole. And a racist. And a rapist. And an idiot. And he smells like rotting butt in the hot summer sun. But also, that he’s a fucking coward. We can’t remember who said it first, but he’s basically just the big mouth at the end of the bar. He loves to talk shit unless the person he talks shit about is standing in front of him. Just a classic coward. And we’re not the only ones who have noticed…

LOLOLOL!!! Holy freaking shit that is the greatest clip we’ve ever seen. And it’s fitting that President Obama delivered that education on a show called All the Smoke. “He knows better” had our jaws drop and then had us laughing our asses off. We want so badly to be there when someone shows that to Trump and he starts rage-crapping ketchup. And of course, Obama is right. Trump turns into the biggest chickenshit when he’s in front of someone. He couldn’t even bully Zelensky in person. He had to get couchfuck to do it.

It’s been so great seeing the Obamas on the stage these last couple weeks; a bittersweet reminder of what this country can be when it’s not shooting its own stupid dick off. But man we forgot how much we love it when 44 talks some shit, and this one really made our day. But more than anything, we appreciate the reminder that the big tough asshole is actually just a soft lump of wimp shit. Get his orange ass, Mr. President. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy today? We’re really serious this time. How about 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then here on Substack or on YouTube.

Note three: We’re writing early today, but we’re expecting some big scary shit to come out of SCOTUS today. Wow. That sounded grosser than we meant it to. But SCOTUS is grosser than we want too.

Note four: Ya know how Americans traded dignity and democracy for someone who would end inflation? Well they fucked up. More: CNBC

Note five: The good news is that we seem to know we fucked up…

Note six: We are so freaking excited for this evening’s men’s World Cup game. We know a lot of people are grossed out by FIFA and all the Trumpiness of this tournament, but it’s still a lot of fun. Sam was seeing Mexico jerseys all over L.A. yesterday and it was a good reminder of what bringing all these countries together is supposed to be about. Good luck to the men’s team. We hope they won like the women’s team has taught them to. More: Yahoo Sports

Note seven: James Carville is disgusted with the Democratic Party’s candidates. We would be upset by this, but James has been shitting all over his own party for decades now. Which is exactly how long it’s been since his wrinkled irrelevant ass won something. More: Mediaite

Note eight: It sure seems like the postmaster general is preparing to interfere big time in American elections. Anyone else want this sonofabitch to die in prison if he tries this shit? Yeah, us too. More: MS Now

Note nine: Trump was supposed to sign a bipartisan housing bill yesterday. But he was too fucking dumb to take the win. More: NBC News

Note 10: Yeah, the housing thing was another classic clusterfuck, but it did give us this amazing video of horrible human being Virginia Foxx showing up to a canceled event looking lost as hell.

Note 11: We’re sending love to the people of Venezuela after some massive earthquakes there. First they have to deal with Trump and now this. More: CNN

Note 12: Sean Hannity is having some health issues. Oh well. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Ken Paxton is going to have a rough few months. But only because he’s a scumbag piece of shit.

Note 14: We keep seeing people who are worried the Democratic Party is changing. But we know what our approval numbers look like, and we have seen how easy it was for Hunter Biden to become one of our best managers. Change can be a good thing. More: HuffPost

Note 15: France is absolutely melting to the point that lots of people are dying. Climate change isn’t a hoax, and it isn’t coming in the future. It’s real, and it’s here. More: AP

Note 16: Y’all know we stay out of primaries (because y’all get super pissed when we don’t), so we are just passing along this news about Chris Van Hollen endorsing Abdul El-Sayed in the Michigan Senate race. More: AP

Note 17: Zelensky and Ukraine have been kicking so much ass that even Trump’s Putin-loving dumb ass can’t ignore it…

Note 18: A fire has been burning in the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles all week. We would like to thank the brave fire fighters who managed to beat it last night. We’d also like to invite Spencer Pratt to fuck off and stop using L.A.’s tragedies to try and become relevant. More: ABC7

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, let’s go back to President Obama. You already saw him dunk on Trump, so here he is from outside…

Note 20: And on that sweet note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week and an amazing summer. And if you’ve got something to say to a real president, try to find the guts to say it to his face. Love y’all!

Trump’s Pets

So yesterday the big news from Capitol Hill was that Sen. Bill Cassidy, who Trump recently took out in a primary, stood up to Trump and got into a shouting match with him over Iran at the Senate GOP lunch. Cassidy even gave a bunch of interviews to drive home the point that he’s a big tough maverick and he’s demanding answers on Iran. Then they took him to the White House. And late last night, Cassidy and fellow coward Rand Paul switched their votes on the Iran war powers resolution, defeating it. If there was ever any doubt, now there is none. The Republican-controlled Senate is a gutless rubberstamp for the moron president. And Bill Cassidy might be the most pathetic bitch weasel in American history. He’s now making Lindsey Graham look tough and principled.

More: CNN

What the Fuck?!

So we’ve known that we need to shut down ICE since those fuckers killed two Americans in the streets, ran concentration camps and basically became masked lawless thugs terrorizing American cities. But they are really fucking pushing it now. They went into a fucking polling place to confront a woman about one of her social media posts calling for ICE thug Jonathan Ross to be arrested for killing Renee Good. They were clearly trying to intimidate her, and she went public. This is fucking insane, even for those goons.

More: Syracuse.com

Crappy Birthday, America!

It just wasn’t the same without Milli Vanilli. Last night, Trump and his unlovable band of scum kicked off our nation’s 250th birthday with the worst fucking fair you’ve ever seen. After all the musical acts canceled, Trump was left with speakers like Sean Duffy, who lectured everyone, and then Trump gave one of his usual shitty rally speeches. There were like a thousand people there, y’all. And there’s video of lots of them leaving during Trump’s speech. This is such a fucking shame. We could be having a real celebration, but instead we’re stuck with temu Mussolini making everything shitty.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

A federal judge on Wednesday permanently barred President Donald Trump’s administration from implementing most of his first executive order on elections, part of which sought to require people to show documentary proof of citizenship when they register to vote. More: NBC News

IRVINE, Calif. — Christian Pulisic said he was feeling positive about his recovery from a calf injury and hopes to play a role in the United States’ final World Cup group match against Turkey on Thursday, though his availability remains uncertain. More: NBC News

A number of oil tankers sailed out of the Strait of Hormuz on Thursday along a United Nations-recommended route, defying threats by Iran that any ship not following its approved route “will be dealt with accordingly.” More: NBC News

New Mexico’s governor on Wednesday called for a criminal investigation into the Drug Enforcement Administration after an Associated Press investigation found federal agents allowed hundreds of thousands of fentanyl pills to reach the streets over a two-year period while pursuing larger drug-trafficking cases. More: AP

President Donald Trump said Wednesday that it may never be determined who was responsible for a deadly strike on a girls’ school in Iran that killed scores of children on the first day of the Iran war, as questions continue over whether U.S. forces were involved. More: The Independent

House Speaker Mike Johnson attempted to defend President Donald Trump’s attack on birthright citizenship even though it helped the U.S. men’s national team go 2-0 in the World Cup. More: HuffPost