All Hail the Humping Antifa Frog

It’s Monday. There are 395 days until the midterm elections. A Trump judge is big mad at Trump, RIP CBS and a judge’s house burns.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to say FUCK ICE over and over and over again.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it was another totally effed weekend. The mad king emerged from his secret hand bruise treatments to play golf and say wildly inappropriate shit to the Naval Academy cadets. Oh and he went to war with Portland, a city he described as “burning to the ground.” It’s stupid, it’s crazy and it’s fucking terrifying. Nothing about this is funny. Except this…

LOLOLOL!!!! YESSSSSSS!!!! A HERO EMERGES!!! THE HUMPING HAD US GASPING FOR AIR!!! THIS IS A FOUNDING FATHER FOR THE NEW AMERICA!!! WE LOVE THE AIR-HUMPING ANTIFA FROG!!!! Good gawd you can see why Trump wants war with Portland after his stormtroopers got hypnotized and controlled by our sexy secret weapon and its devastating pelvis of doom. Burning to the ground? More like burned by some sick dance moves. Seriously, the humping belongs in a goddamn museum. Trump wishes he could do that shit.

Photo: Carlos Barria/Reuters

Normally this is the kind of thing we’d save for the Happy Ending, but we wanted to remind y’all that no matter how scary this shit gets, we’re still up against total losers and goons and they can’t handle our sexy moves. Fuck ‘em. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We led with the good news out of Portland because there is lots and lots of bad news out of there and Chicago, where ICE is totally out of control and bringing violent chaos to the streets of America. Keep the government shut down until this lunacy stops. More: Associated Press, WTTW

Note three: Fox News had a single Democratic senator on yesterday to tell the truth about healthcare and Trump lost his shit. Truth is his kryptonite. Well truth and stairs. More: HuffPost

Note four: We’re actually shocked by this one, but our corrupt and broken Supreme Court didn’t do any favors for Trump’s child-raping friend Ghislaine Maxwell, and her conviction remains in place. So yeah Trump is definitely gonna pardon her. More: NBC News

Note five: Thank goodness for journalists like this ass-kissing slob…

Note six: We’re in Day Six of the shutdown, and the Republican plan is to keep voting until enough Senate Democrats cave. Let this be a warning that any Senate D who does cave is getting a big fat fucking primary challenge. More: NBC News

Note seven: We’ve always found Van Jones to be a soulless smarmy piece of shit. But making dead babies in Gaza a punchline is next level shitty. Go fuck yourself, Van. More: Mediaite

Note eight: Remember how that tacky UFC fight at the White House was supposed to be for America’s birthday? Well Trump has decided it will instead be for his birthday. We’re grossed out but oddly not disappointed. More: Axios

Note nine: Trump gave a truly unsettling speech to the Naval Academy this weekend, and it was made even worse by the fact that our cadets apparently love the fascist fuck in charge. Guess they’re all eager to murder fishermen. Cool country. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Trump also called us gnats yesterday. Fuck him.

Note 11: What’s French for Scaramucci? More: NBC News

Note 12: The Nobel for Science was awarded to scientists for their work on the human immune system. It’s almost like the committee didn’t give a shit that Trump’s uncle used to work at MIT. More: Associated Press

Note 13: AOC is calling on us all to laugh at Trump men. Done and done. Thanks, AOC! More: Mediaite

Note 14: We were already sad that Jane Goodall died. And then we saw her last words burned Trump and Elon Leon and now we really miss her. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Thank you to everyone in this funeral procession who ran off these slovenly loser ICE assholes. Not exactly a fit fighting machine, are they?

Note 16: Whoa. We don’t usually get our hopes up in places like Texas (we can’t in good conscience tell people to send money to Kentucky), but James Talarico’s first Senate fundraising haul definitely has our attention. More: Fox7Austin

Note 17: We almost don’t want to tell you this because it will make you shit fire with rage, but they’re seriously going to mint a coin with Trump’s hideous fucking face on it. When the economy is in the crapper, this will be quite the self-own. More: CNN

Note 18: We don’t know much about Matt Dunlap, but we know we hate Jared Golden. So good luck, Matt! More: Maine Public

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the season premiere of SNL and Bad Bunny trolling the living hell out of the MAGA meatheads…

Note 20: And on that perfect note, let’s go do some news (and bone up on our Spanish)! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. And if you’re feeling down, just watch that humping frog again. Guaranteed smile. Love y’all!

Even a Trump judge
A Trump judge tried to stop Trump from federalizing Oregon troops to send into Portland, so Trump (actually Stephen Miller) decided to get cute and send California troops to Portland. The judge was not pleased. Late last night, the judge ordered a temporary injunction on all troop deployments to Oregon based on the fact that Trump and Miller are straight up lying about what’s happening there. The only real violence we’ve seen is from Trump supporters who went to Portland to try and start some trouble. We are, however, seeing real violence in Chicago, where Trump’s goons are terrorizing protesters and even police officers. Trump and ICE are out of control, and we need to keep the government shut down until we can say otherwise. More: CNN, Associated Press, The Guardian

CBSucks
Well it’s official — CBS News is dead. This morning, billionaire Trump scum David Ellison announced that professional failure Bari Weiss, who has never worked as a reporter, will be the new editor-in-chief of CBS News after he bought her shitty paper for $150 million. Weiss has zero talent other than claiming to be a victim, and she has parlayed that into a shocking level of success. Our hearts break for the real journalists still at the once great network. Our hearts are also broken for a nation that will get more news from the perspective of rich white people who think they’re the real heroes. More: NBC News

Fuck Stephen Miller
Yesterday in South Carolina, Judge Diane Goodstein’s house was burned down, leaving her husband and two other family members in the hospital. Goodstein was one of the judges attacked by Trump administration officials because she refused to roll over and do their building. DOJ scumbag Harmeet Dhillon criticized her on Twitter. Rep. Daniel Goldman specifically called out Stephen Miller for his endless attacks on the judiciary, leading Miller to respond with one of his characteristic lunatic meltdowns. We’re still waiting to hear more details, but we sure hope the media will spend some time this week on the dangers of Republican rhetoric. Just kidding. We know they wouldn’t do that. More: Time

Today’s clips
As the special House election for a deep-red congressional district in Tennessee approaches, one issue has shaped the race above all else: Donald Trump. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Sunday mocked Al Sharpton by posting an old picture of him when he was fat, before saying the Federal Communications Commission should “look into” NBC’s license because Sharpton and other pundits do little more than celebrate Democrats and bash Republicans. More: Mediaite

The Trump administration still isn’t laughing at “Saturday Night Live.” More: HuffPost

Rescuers were helping hundreds of hikers trapped by heavy snow at tourist campsites on a slope of Mount Everest in Tibet, Chinese state media said. More: Associated Press

There are no $1 million giveaways to voters, cheesehead hats or even candidate debates. Elon Musk is nowhere to be found.

Yet the stakes in the Pennsylvania election this fall are very much the same as they were in Wisconsin last spring: partisan control of the highest court in a crucial presidential swing state. More: Associated Press

More from The Alt Media

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