About Alito

It’s Thursday. There are 187 days until the midterm elections. Iran digs in as gas prices skyrocket, a Senate shocker in Maine and the scummy South rises again.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell the Supreme Court to go fuck itself.

Housekeeping note! Today we’ve got one very important mission, Sexy Patriots. Join me in wishing our Sexy Patriot in Chief, Sam Youngman, a very happy birthday!!! Sam is the heartbeat of what we’re building here. The brains, the wit, the timing, the guy who somehow keeps all of us informed and entertained while making it look effortless. If you’ve ever laughed, learned something, or yelled “damn right” at your screen during one of our shows, you’ve got Sam to thank. So flood the comments, show him some love, and let’s make sure he feels it today. Happy Birthday, brother. We love you. -all of us

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! You’re looking extra Sexy and Patriotic this day. Someday when this is all over, you’ll have to tell us your secret. What? Why are we buttering you up? Pshaw. We’d never do such a thing and we’re offended you’d think so little of us. Ok we’re buttering you up. Because we’re also showing you this…

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is really, really bad. And really, really fucking racist. We’re gonna get into just how awful this is in a minute, but before we do, we wanted to take a second to talk to the inhuman monster who wrote the majority opinion. So here’s a fake interview with Sam Alito…

Us: Hello, Evil Sam.

Sam Alito: Hello leftist scum.

Us: Don’t try to flatter us. Racist says what?

Alito: What?

Us: (Laughing) Yep. That’s what we thought.

Alito: What?

Us: We were making a joke to expose you as a racist.

Alito. No, I got it. That’s why I said what twice. I’m that fucking racist. And I’ve been known to suck off a dead ‘possum.

We knew it! About the racism. The possum thing was new information. We don’t mean to make light of a truly devastating decision, which we’ll talk about in the news section, but we do like making fun of Sam “The ‘Possum Blower” Alito and it gives us comfort in times of great angst like this. Y’all have a blessed day. And watch your possums.

Note two: Btw, we know that it’s technically an “opossom” that Justice Sam Alito performs gross oral sex on, but Sam’s Grandma said possum so that’s what we’re going with. If this kind of rambling interests you, you’ll want to get caught up on our therapy session from yesterday.

Note three: How badly has Trump fucked up the economy? Well GDP grew at 2 percent in the first quarter and inflation is up. And that ain’t good. More: CNBC

Note four: It’s weird to be cheering for a Fed chair the way we’ve been pulling for Jerome Powell, but we just love the way he gets under Trump’s slimy skin. More: NBC News

Note five: We’re sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but we are in actual hell. We all died and we are in literal goddamn hell.

Note six: It’s been a few days since the Worst Lady and her gross dumb husband called for Jimmy Kimmel to be fired. And Jimmy still has a job. More: HuffPost

Note seven: This one is nuts. South Carolina’s Republican lieutenant governor was going to give the commencement speech at an HBCU. But the HBCU protested because the students didn’t want her there. So she made an attack ad against the students. And then the school disinvited her. What the hell is wrong with the grown-ups in South Carolina?! More: SC Daily Gazette

Note eight: It’s hard to describe how much rage and disgust we feel for the 42 Democrats who voted yesterday to allow Trump and his goons to spy on Americans. Seriously. What the fuck are we doing here? More: HuffPost

Note nine: E. Jean Carroll won again yesterday. Now we just wait for a corrupt SCOTUS to tell us it’s ok for Trump to be a rapist piece of shit. More: NBC News

Note 10: When we were kids, we heard that Jimmy Carter’s leadership on inflation was like the worst thing ever. Well guess who’s doing even worse. RIP Jimmy.

Note 11: Ron DeSantis got his new maps yesterday. We look forward to making him eat this shit. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Country singer David Allan Coe died. We were shocked to learn he was still alive. Here’s The Ride…

Note 13: Here’s video of Trump making fun of the NASA administrator’s big ears while the Artemis crew had to stand there and watch. Dude should have said his ears aren’t as big as Uranus.

Note 14: Republicans are very, very worried about losing the Senate. But not so worried that they’ll stop kissing Trump’s ass. So yeah, they should be worried. The chickenshits. More: Politico

Note 15: Federal agents this week arrested and humiliated a former aide to Dr. Fauci. So yeah, fascism isn’t on its way. It’s here. More: Science

Note 16: Trump is very mad at Germany. Germany has seen men like Trump before. And it didn’t turn out great. More: The Hill

Note 17: Like we said, we are in actual hell. But it sure is gonna be fun tearing this tacky shit down. And why the fuck does it look like one of those robot animals from Chuck E. Cheese?

Note 18: We talked about this in therapy yesterday, but Saudi Arabia has pulled its funding from LIV Golf. LOLOL!!! So a bunch of American golfers like Phil Mickelson sold out their country and their new league went in the crapper. Oh well. Fuck ‘em. More: USA Today

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here is the trailer for the new season of Ted Lasso. Sam swears by the positivity of this show, and he started weeping tears of joy upon learning it was coming back.

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are making it through the week ok. Unless you’re Sam Alito. In which case we hope you fuck all the way off and leave those possums alone. Love y’all!

BONUS NOTE: Here’s some more David Allan Coe because that news got us singing country this morning…

Pain at the Trump Pump
Iran’s Supreme Leader said that the country will continue to protect its nuclear interests. Trump is looking to build an international coalition to open the Strait of Hormuz. And the price of gas is jumping big time. Cankles said yesterday that his blockade is “genius,” proving once again he doesn’t know what that word means. The summer travel season is almost upon us, and American families aren’t gonna be able to afford to drive to the end of the block. Big thanks to President Dumbfuck and his illegal war of choice. More: Associated Press, More: The Hill

Damnit Janet
We’re not actually mad. We just thought that was a clever headline to describe some shocking news out of Maine this morning as Gov. Janet Mills has suspended her Senate campaign, clearing the way for Graham Platner to be the nominee to take on Suckass Susan Collins. Mills said she couldn’t raise the funds, and polling was showing Graham running away with this thing. This was a massive whiff for Schumer as he continues to be really, really bad at his job. We get that people have reservations about Platner, and we do too. But let’s be good resisters and rally around the guy who can beat the woman who voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh. More: NBC News

Dark days ahead
The fallout from the racist Supreme Court’s destruction of the Voting Rights Act started immediately. And it came from exactly the states you would expect. Mississippi and Alabama are already talking about eliminating their Black-majority districts, and Louisiana is literally suspending primaries to be able to draw new, more racist maps. Chief Justice John Roberts has undone a key legacy of MLK Jr. and John Lewis and countless others who encountered violence and bloodshed for wanting to vote and be represented. Yesterday was a shameful day for a racist country. And it’s only going to get worse. We have our work cut out for us to make them pay this November, but we’re sure as shit going to. And again, fuck Sam Alito! More: The Guardian, More: NBC News, More: Mississippi Free Press

Today’s clips
A top Pentagon official said Wednesday that the cost of the ongoing U.S. war with Iran is estimated to be $25 billion so far, as the conflict nears a 60-day mark. More: NBC News

Justice Department officials moved Wednesday to roll back and modify a slate of gun regulations in a dramatic shift in firearm policy pushed by Second Amendment supporters in President Donald Trump’s base. More: NBC News

OAKLAND, Calif. — Elon Musk repeatedly fired back at OpenAI’s lawyer in a tense cross-examination during the second day of a tech trial that could help define the future of artificial intelligence. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — Oil prices whipsawed on Thursday and surged toward their highest levels since the war with Iran began, only for the leaps to quickly vanish. The U.S. stock market, meanwhile, is gliding following more strong profit reports from big companies like Alphabet and Amazon. More: Associated Press

The leaders of major media companies around the world, including The Associated Press, are calling on Israel’s government to lift a ban keeping foreign journalists from being able to independently enter and report from Gaza, a barrier that’s been in place since the war’s start in 2023 and continues even as a ceasefire has been in place for more than six months. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The House took a crucial step Wednesday toward funding the Department of Homeland Security, as the Trump administration warned that money to pay Transportation Security Administration and other agency personnel will “soon run out,” sparking new threats of airport disruptions and national security concerns. More: Associated Press

President Donald Trump is piling pressure on ABC to fire late night comedian Jimmy Kimmel.

“When is ABC Fake News Network firing seriously unfunny Jimmy Kimmel, who incompetently presides over one of the Lowest Rated shows on Television?” Trump asked in a Truth Social post Thursday. “It better be soon!!!” More: HuffPost