A Truly Sick F**k

It’s Tuesday. There are 161 days until the midterm elections. Massie gets ready to ride again, ICE pepper sprays a U.S. Senator and it’s back to war again… again.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it wasn’t a total asshole about Memorial Day.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be back with you after our Memorial Day holiday. We appreciate you giving us the day off so we could chill with our families, remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for this country and get called “Dumocrats” by a draft-dodging dipshit who spent the weekend surrendering from his surrender. But now we’re back and so is President Shit-for-brains, who is off to yet another medical exam today. And from the way that decomposing motherfucker was looking this weekend, ol’ Water Reed might not let him out…

WAKE UP, ASSHOLE! Jeez. Even the cryptkeeper thinks Trump looks like shit. How can someone so rotten still be rotting? His cankles have spread to his hands and his tail finally fell off. His hands look like dirty plums, and we know he’s got the mini-mushroom peen going on. So while we’re not doctors, we are comfortable making a prognosis — Donald Trump is a sick fuck. In every way you can imagine.

Now normally we’d tell him to take some livestock medicine and go suck on a crystal rock, but we’re feeling compassionate today. So instead, our prescription for Trump is to eat shit, fuck off and then kiss our asses. Because that guy is sick and his health sucks too. Oh well. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey speaking of the president’s health, when is Jake Tapper’s book coming out? Surely that arrogant dishonest shit doesn’t just care when it’s a Democrat. Right?

Note three: The Texas Senate run-off is today, and Trump has gone all-in for the scummier of the two candidates. We assume Texas will too. More: HuffPost

Note four: We saw people posting this story about the origins of Memorial Day and thought it was important to share. Especially since the president of the United States is a racist asshole who sucks. More: TIME

Note five: Well, the Knicks are in the NBA finals. We’re calling it the Mamdani Effect.

Note six: RIP to Sen. John McCain’s oldest son. We’re kinda shocked Trump hasn’t said something awful about this. More: USA Today

Note seven: While we were gone, your Justice Department was hard at work scrubbing the crimes of terrorists and pedophiles before giving them your money. Man, this is fucked up. More: AP

Note eight: We don’t want to be premature, but it sure looks like California dodged a big bullet this weekend with a chemical tank. Thank you to all the workers who spent their Memorial Day weekend preventing catastrophe. More: NBC News

Note nine: Another man was killed by the Secret Service after opening fire on the White House. If we were Trump, this would cause us to reflect on just how much we blow. More: NBC News

Note 10: Are we the only ones sick of this weirdo and his shit-eating grin telling us how fine and dandy the economy is doing?

Note 11: The brain-worm-felcher-raccoon-dick guy tried to take on Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel fucked him up. It’s not great that the guy in charge of our health believes every idiotic thing he reads on the internet. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Dana White, the UFC guy who beats his wife, said Trump can’t be racist because he let his kids play with Michael Jackson. LOLOL!!! Man, he can be racist and a shitty father at the same time. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We’re this close to converting to Catholicism because man this new Pope sure gets it. His take on AI this weekend was brilliant and desperately needed. So of course the usual assholes are butthurt about it. More: NPR

Note 14: RIP to Sonny Rollins. Man, what a giant. More: TMZ

Note 15: These are the same soulless fucks who call Barack Obama divisive.

Note 16: Elon had a very Elon weekend. And by that we mean he blew up a rocket and called it a success. More: AP

Note 17: Bill Ferguson is the Democratic president of the Maryland state Senate. He has been a total wuss on redistricting, but he seems to be slowly getting a fucking clue. With Democrats like this, who needs Republicans? More: The Hill

Note 18: Last week we told you about the Broadview Six. Then we found out the prosecutor was fucking working for Dick Durbin’s committee. We are so excited for Dick Durbin to go the fuck away. More: NOTUS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Monroe, Michigan, where Stephen Colbert and some folks from Michigan put a huge smile on our face last week. CBS was so pissed they tried to stop it and only reminded everyone how much they suck butt. Hard to describe how much we freaking love this.

Note 20: And on that brilliant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely Memorial Day weekend and are ready for a hot and probably stupid summer. We know we sure are. But that’s only because it doesn’t look like our hands are about to explode. Love y’all!

Go Tom!

We want to be clear that we are not Thomas Massie fans. But we sure do love the way he fucks with Trump. Massie is promising to be a major thorn in the cankles for the next seven months, but he apparently wants more. Just days after losing his primary to a Trump lackey, Massie has filed to run again in 2028. He’s also not done talking about Epstein and the survivors and that’s why we’re really kinda sorta rooting for this lunatic.

More: WLWT, NBC News

ICE ATTACKS U.S. SENATOR

We put that shocking news in all caps to make up for the lack of outrage from the mainstream media. Detained migrants are on a hunger strike over conditions at Delaney ICE detention in Newark. So Gov. Mikie Sherrill and Sen. Andy Kim and a few others went there and tried to get in. Not only were they denied entry, but they were pepper sprayed by ICE agents. This is apparently not a big deal to the news media. But it sure is fuck is to us. Just look at these goddamn pictures! More: The Hill

Here we go again… again

You’ll be shocked to hear that Trump didn’t solve his Iran problem over the weekend. Despite skipping his son’s wedding LOL, Trump spent the weekend posting on Truth Social about a deal coming together right before Israel attacked Lebanon and the U.S. started dropping more bombs. So yeah, there ain’t no deal. And considering that Trump now wants all the Arab countries to support Israel as part of a deal, we’re guessing there won’t be one anytime soon.

More: NBC News, NBC News, NBC News

Today’s clips

A bystander who was struck by gunfire after a man fired on a checkpoint outside the White House and was fatally shot by U.S. Secret Service officers remained in serious but stable condition Sunday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Congressional Black Caucus on Tuesday called on major corporations across the U.S., including those that previously expressed support for voting rights and racial justice, to oppose redistricting efforts by Republican-led states that seek to eliminate majority-Black U.S. House districts. More: AP

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Leo XIV made a historic apology on Monday for the Holy See’s role in legitimizing slavery and for having failed to condemn it for centuries, calling the Vatican’s record a “wound in Christian memory.” More: HuffPost

Drew Carey ripped into former reality TV star and Los Angeles mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt, calling him a “serial scammer.” More: HuffPost

Megyn Kelly leveled a list of vicious personal accusations against President Donald Trumpduring an unfiltered podcast appearance, claiming he’s a serial cheater while resurfacing rape allegations his first wife, Ivana Trump, made and then later retracted. More: HuffPost

Critics blasted White House communications director Steven Cheung over his latest profane social media post targeting a former top official in Donald Trump’s administration. More: HuffPost

The U.S. men’s national team will unveil its roster for the FIFA World Cup on Tuesday, finalizing the squad that will try to capture the U.S. its first title in the world’s biggest soccer tournament. More: NBC News