A Raving Butt-Kissing Lunatic Loose in the Pentagon

It’s Thursday. There are 495 days until the midterm elections. RFK goes global mass murderer, Passed Out Pete gets pissy and all hail the Senate parliamentarian.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It would very much like to say some to Pete Hegseth’s face.

Housekeeping note: Adam and Sam will be live on Substack today at 4 PM ET/1 PM PT. You will get a notification in your inbox as soon as we start! We are testing out a new setup so let us know what you think if you are able to join and in the event you cannot make it once the live is complete we will post it on substack!

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Are you ready to have some fun today? Because we’re throwing a party! And not just any party, but a pity party! Yeah, we’ve got a bunch of kleenex and the world’s smallest fucking violin for a man whose whole head looks like a buttcheek with eyes — ICE Director Tom Homan…

Well boo-fucking-hoo. Ain’t that just the saddest thing you ever saw? The guy who loves to threaten people, send his goons to disappear people and, of course, break families apart is very sad that his family has been broken apart. After looking at Director Asscheekhead, we immediately assumed his, um, wife was probably an old deflated volleyball filled with maple syrup. But then she called Sam for a fake interview. Here is that interview…

Sam: Um hello?

Tom Homan’s wife: Hey Sam! This is Tom Homan’s wife. I fucking love your newsletter! You are so hot!

Sam: Um thanks, Mrs. Homan. Did you know your husband looks like a butt cheek and might actually be the devil?

Tom Homan’s wife: Oh he’s a total piece of shit. I only married him because he rescued me from a curse put on me by an evil witch. I’m so out of here in 10,000 years.

Sam: So you’re not sad he’s had to be separated from you?

Tom Homan’s wife: If I was, I wouldn’t be calling you. Wink;)

Sam: Gotta go!

So yeah, that got awkward fast. You and Tom Homan will be happy to know that Sam was a total gentlemen. He would hate to be a scummy piece of shit who took someone’s wife. You know, like Tom Homan does. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The attacks against Zohran Mamdani have already started, and they are really fucking gross. Trump is already on the warpath, right-wing billionaires are trying to fund write-in campaigns and the New York Times is accusing him of “anti-Israel activism.” This is the exact same shit they did to a fella named Barack Obama. The rich people are freaking out, which tells us Mamdani needs to win. More: The Guardian

Note three: We talk a lot of shit about the political press because they deserve it (kiss our asses, Tapper!). But what Trump did to CNN’s Natasha Bertrand yesterday, less than two weeks after one of his supporters murdered two Democrats and their dog, is beyond the pale. The press better learn to stick up for themselves. More: The Hill

Note four: It’s been 10 years since a real SCOTUS legalized same-sex marriage with the Obergefell ruling. So if you’re celebrating an anniversary today, cheers! And a giant FUCK YOU to the New York Times for marking this happy occasion with a bullshit oped from Andrew Sullivan entitled “How the Gay Rights Movement Radicalized and Lost Its Way.” More: NPR

Note five: Want to really be proud of America? Then don’t watch this video of people in wheelchairs being arrested for protesting Medicaid cuts. What the fuck is wrong with us?!

Note six: Trump is evicting the National Science Foundation in order to turn it into a mansion for his HUD secretary. If you’re thinking that’s really stupid and corrupt, you’re right. More: TPM

Note seven: Former Speaker Pelosi is backing the effort to force Trump to get congressional approval if he wants more war. Hell yeah! Git ‘em, Nancy! More: Axios

Note eight: Pam Bondi went to Capitol Hill and made a fool of herself yesterday. And then she sued all 15 federal judges in Maryland because she’s a fucking lunatic and not a serious person. Eat shit, Pam! More: The Guardian, The Daily Beast, NPR

Note nine: Now that Trump knows he is above the law, he’s trying to do the same for his buddies. In a very long social media screed, Trump said his buddy Bibi should be pardoned and cleared of all corruption charges. Let’s hope the Israeli justice system works better than ours. More: NBC News

Note 10: You won’t hear us defending Fox News very often, but Jennifer Griffin is one of the best national security reporters out there. And Pete Hegseth is a fucking asshole.

Note 11: This is a fun one. Elon Leon’s European Tesla sales are still in the crapper. It’s almost like people won’t forget what a nazi chode he is. More: Associated Press

Note 12: If you never ever want to get sexually aroused ever again, then you should learn about Emil Bove. He is the criminal henchman Trump is about to make a judge. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Congressional leaders were supposed to be briefed on Iran by the administration. But the White House moved it to Friday. Then they decided Tulsi isn’t allowed to go. And then they decided they should stop sharing info with Congress. This all sounds super legit. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Remember all that waste, fraud and abuse we heard about? Well you’ll be shocked to hear that was bullshit. Even one of the DOGE douches is admitting it. This story is old, but we thought it was important to share. More: NPR

Note 15: Damn. Jon Ossoff is really, really good at this stuff. And Russell Vought is really, really a piece of shit.

Note 16: Wired is doing some incredibly important journalism these days. This piece on 9-1-1 calls from ICE detention centers will break your heart and make your blood boil. More: WIRED

Note 17: Ugh goddamnit to hell. While we were writing this morning, our broken and corrupt SCOTUS ruled that states can defund Planned Parenthood. The three liberals dissented. The other justices can eat shit. More: The Guardian

Note 18: Rep. LaMonica McIver pleaded not guilty yesterday. Ya know, because she ain’t fucking guilty and this is just Trump’s personal attorney abusing her authority. We proudly stand by Rep. McIver. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to CNBC. Yes, we’re serious. We just want y’all to see how the rich folks are reacting to Mamdani winning. They literally think they live in a Batman movie, and we think that is hilarious. Also, we kinda want this to happen.

Note 20: And on that hysterical dark knight note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. We also hope Tom Homan’s wife will stop calling us. This is getting creepy. Love y’all!

Babykiller Kennedy
You know how everybody warned that RFK Jr. is an idiot anti-vaxxer who has killed before and will kill again? And remember how Senate Republicans didn’t care and confirmed him anyway? Well we were right unfortunately. RFK announced yesterday that the U.S. will not contribute to Gavi, the international vaccine agency that literally saves millions and millions of lives. Using one of his lunatic smears, RFK says that the agency doesn’t use real science. A lot of people will die because of this. More: NPR, Politico

Pissy Pete
Pete Hegseth was big mad this morning, holding a press conference at the Pentagon to yell at reporters for daring to question whether Trump actually destroyed Iran’s nuclear program. In a bit of unhinged performative outrage, Hegseth demanded the press just accept the government’s official version of accounts and accused them of not supporting the military enough. Anyone who opposed the Iraq War probably remembers being told they didn’t support the troops. It was fucking bullshit then, and it’s fucking bullshit now. More: BBC

Praising the parliamentarian
Republicans are having a very bad morning, which means there must be good news for decent people. In a huge twist, the Senate parliamentarian ruled this morning that Republican efforts to take away Medicaid from millions of Americans doesn’t align with Senate rules and must be stripped from the bill. Since this was a big part of how they were gonna pay for this thing, they’re either fucked or they’re going to fire the parliamentarian and go around her. Our money is on the latter. Still, this brings attention to Republican lies about cutting Medicaid and gives us a toehold from which to fight back. Suck it, Trump. More: NPR

Today’s clips
Democratic senators are calling on the Trump administration to follow through on a plan to expand overtime pay to millions of workers now that the reform’s future is unclear. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes on several nuclear facilities in Iran has divided Americans and exposed fault lines within the coalitions of both parties, according to an NBC News Decision Desk Poll powered by SurveyMonkey. More: NBC News

The man suspected of using a "makeshift flamethrower" on demonstrators marching in Boulder in support of Israeli hostages held by Hamas has been charged with 12 federal hate crimes. More: NBC News

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) threatened to call the police on John McCormack, a senior editor at The Dispatch, after he asked her a series of questions about Iran and the American blood on its regime’s hands on Tuesday. More: Mediate

Oprah Winfrey arrived in Venice on Thursday, leading a star-studded guest list of celebrities descending on the lagoon city for the weekend wedding of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam