A message for the 38 percent

Happy Friday. There are 403 days until the midterm elections. More tariff troubles, a war criminal honors war crimes and Trump comes for Comey.

Housekeeping note: Adam and Sam are going live at 5:30 PM ET/2:30 PM PT today for an extra therapy session. Join then!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it hasn’t declared war on America like an asshole.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, that might have been the stupidest week in American history. Ok so there’s some stiff competition, but the Tylenol thing alone gives this week a real shot at the title. Frankly we didn’t think we could see anything more idiotic until yesterday when Trump posted on the White House’s twitter account that he has a 57 percent approval rating. LOLOL!!!! Motherfucker, you don’t even have a 57 percent approval rating in your own family! Here are some of the real numbers…

Yiiiiikes. What a freaking loser. Now we know that a lot of people, including the president, think polls don’t matter anymore, but we need them. We need to know that other Americans are seeing this crazy shit and rejecting it. Even if they did vote like fucking morons last November. Our real beef is with the 38 percent who approve of the job this deranged asshole is doing. So today we thought we’d address them and see if we can’t try to find some common ground…

Dear 38 percent,

What’s your fucking problem? Are you really this dumb or are you just this cruel? We get that you don’t know how tariffs work, but surely you get that you’re paying more for shit, right? Or is it worth it so you can jerk off to those videos of poor migrants getting roughed up by ICE goons? Are you seriously that damaged that you get off on the cruelty? We know this message, like truth and deodorant, will never make it to you. But just in case it does, please know we blame you for the downfall of a promising country. Y’all really fucked up and reallly fucked up America. And even now you can’t admit it. So since you clearly have your heads up your asses, please eat shit.

Sincerely,

The Smart Parts of America

Damn that felt good. We hope someone will read it to them. Maybe one of their liberal neighbors. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Pete Hegseth is the monster who hides under America’s bed. He is utterly terrifying, and he’s clearly itching to unleash this nation’s military might on this nation. So we are damn worried that he has called a meeting of all the major officers. Let’s hope he gets lost on the way there, which does seem possible. More: USA Today

Note three: Well this is pretty messed up. Israel has taken over the cell phones of everyone in Gaza to force them to hear the broadcast of Bibi’s speech to the UN. How long until this inspires Trump to take over our phones? More: WTOP, Associated Press

Note four: It sure was nice of Jimmy Kimmel to thank Trump for his massive audience and ratings. What a class act. Kimmel; not Trump. Trump is a piece of shit. More: HuffPost

Note five: WARNING — This is the violence ICE is perpetrating against innocent people. Thank you to Brad Lander who first brought attention to this. But be careful because this is heartbreaking and infuriating to watch…

Note six: Because it needs to be said, FUCK ICE!

Note seven: This is a weird one, but we want to send some love to the Hawaiian Supreme Court. They’ve been giving SCOTUS hell and we freaking love it. In fact, we’d like to go thank them in person. Perhaps on a beach with some poke. More: Bolts Mag

Note eight: The government is going to shut down on Wednesday. The party that controls all three branches thinks they can pin it on us. Fuck ‘em. Shut it down. More: NBC News

Note nine: Inflation is still high. So Trump lied when he said it was over. We’re starting to think that guy’s full of shit. More: Associated Press, CNBC

Note 10: Oh and electricity prices are through the roof. AI is garbage that we can’t afford. Just like Trump.

Note 11: It’s horrifying that the forces behind Fox News are going to own TikTok. It also seems like a way to make TikTok really, really uncool. More: NBC News

Note 12: Speaking of Fox, even some of those freaks are saying Trump doesn’t have a case against Comey. We’re sure he’s enjoying that. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Obama brought some truth that a lot of people need to hear. And by people we mean rich old white dudes.

Note 14: We’ve talked about them a lot, but goddamn we are so grateful to South Park. More: HuffPost

Note 15: This is fucking insane. Trump’s National Archives gave New Jersey gubernatorial candidate Mikie Sherrill’s unredacted military records to an ally of her Republican opponent. The archives apologized, but Democrats are demanding an investigation and they should get one. More: CNN

Note 16: Hey btw, that Q poll shows some shit numbers for the rest of the Trump team too. The brain worm asshole is at 28 percent approval with 61 percent disapproving, Kash Patel is at 26/58, Bullshit Bondi is at 21/57 and Brendan Carr is at 14/46. We didn’t even know they went down to 14. Thanks to CNN’s Aaron Blake for pulling these numbers. More: QU Poll

Note 17: Big thanks to badass Democratic congressional candidate Kat Abughazaleh, who was brutalized by ICE officers last week, and hasn’t backed down one goddamn inch. Again, FUCK ICE.

Note 18: Last week, a top DOJ official met with Alex Jones and then started harassing a Sandy Hook FBI agent. Yesterday Jones announced that he now has a Hitler moustache. It’s not great. More: HuffPost, Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to AOC, who has been learning to surf. We are obviously big fans of AOC, and Sam only wants to talk about surfing so this is a nice instance of world’s colliding. Also, props to AOC because that is a legit wave she’s on. It’s important that we hang on tight to the shit that makes us smile and reminds us of what we’re fighting for.

Note 20: And on that Kahuna note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. Except for the 38 percent who support Trump. They can eat hog shit. Love y’all!

Tariff trouble
The president of the United States is working hard to make furniture and pharmaceuticals more expensive. We’re not even kidding. Trump announced on Truth Social that he’s going to up tariffs for drugs and bathroom vanities and shit because he’s a moron who doesn’t know how tariffs work. He’s literally putting a 100 percent tariff on pharmaceuticals. And the furniture thing must be freaking JD the eff out. Our favorite part of this dumb shit is that Trump said the tariffs on bathroom counters and sofas is for “national security.” Sounds to us like he’s trying to wean JD off the couch and give Don Jr. fewer surfaces to do blow off of. Regardless, this is all very, very dumb. More: Associated Press

Passed Out Pete strikes again
Pete Hegseth has been working hard to erase honors for people like Harvey Milk and Medgar Evers while also elevating American traitors and war criminals. Hegseth announced yesterday that the Pentagon will continue to honor the soldiers who slaughtered 250 innocent Native Americans at Wounded Knee, including women and children. It’s a good reminder that Pete has long advocated for war criminals, and pushing for their pardons is how he and Trump got so close in the first place. This is the scary shit, y’all. If he thinks murdering women and children is worthy of a Medal of Honor, then what’s he going to do next? More: Associated Press

Coming for Comey
Well shit. Guess we gotta defend this arrogant motherfucker. Sigh. Trump’s joke of a lawyer indicted James Comey yesterday. The grand jury refused to indict on all three charges, so Trump’s team is limping to court with two weak charges. Comey is even saying bring on the trial. The good news is that Trump keeps getting his ass kicked in court. The bad news is that he doesn’t seem to care, and he’s happy to just let his DOJ harass and fuck with people who didn’t break any laws. Jim Comey sucks, but what Trump is doing sucks worse. So let’s stick up for Comey. Goddamnit. More: The Guardian, Axios

Today’s clips
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was met by a mass walkout as he made his case to the world Friday, addressing an international community from which his country faces mounting pressure and isolation over its devastating assault on Gaza. More: NBC News

Intrusions into NATO’s airspace blamed on Russia reached an unprecedented scale this month, raising questions about whether the Kremlin is trying to test the alliance’s willingness and ability to respond to a direct attack or divert its attention and resources from the war in Ukraine. More: Associated Press

Attorney General Pam Bondi has begun transferring people whose death penalties were previously commuted by former President Joe Biden to a supermax prison in Colorado known for its harsh conditions. More: Huff Post

President Donald Trump’s unprecedented retribution campaign against his perceived political enemies reached new heights as his Justice Department brought criminal charges against a longtime foe and he expanded his efforts to classify certain liberal groups as “domestic terrorist organizations.” More: Associated Press

ICE has released an Oregon firefighter who was detained for nearly a month after he was taken into custody while battling an actual fire. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump has warned that matches at the 2026 FIFA World Cup could be pulled from U.S. cities he deems “unsafe” as the nation prepares to host the soccer tournament with Canada and Mexico. More: Mediaite

The U.S. Justice Department sued six more states on Thursday, saying the states are illegally blocking the agency’s wide-ranging effort to scrutinize detailed voter data in a brewing court fight over what states say is the private, protected information of residents. More: Associated Press

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