A Memorial Day Moron

It’s Monday. There are 526 days until the midterm elections. Jake Tapper’s mask comes off, Trump effs North Carolina and an idiot discovers Putin ain’t his friend.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s still better than that shit Tapper is doing.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots, and Happy Memorial Day! It’s a great day to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice just so we could totally fuck it up and become the same kind of asshole those brave Americans were fighting against. Feels good, don’t it? In fact, there is soooooo much to be proud of these days. Why just this morning the president of the United States sent well wishes to “the scum” of this country that he doesn’t like and this weekend he posted a video of his friend getting bit in the nuts by a swan while playing golf…

Sigh. So, so dumb. Y’all know where this is going. Here’s an interview with the swan…

Us: Um, hey swan.

Swan: Hey guys! Love the newsletter!

Us: Thanks. So you bit a friend of Trump’s in the nuggets. Why?

Swan: I warned him. He asked me out once and I said no. But he just kept at it and Trump was egging him on. When he tried to grab me by the swan pussy, I decided to take a stand.

Us: Hell yeah! Good for you. Do you feel like you’re being unfairly maligned?

Swan: Sorta. I also just think it’s really fucking stupid this asshole is posting shit like this when the world is on fire.

Us: Good point. Will you keep working at Trump’s club?

Swan: I have to. I’m Canadian and he’s the only guy still hiring undocumented workers.

Us: Well that’s pretty fucked up.

We don’t know about y’all, but we’re sure feeling proud as hell to be Americans this fine Monday. Either that or we’re jealous of our swan friend’s Canadian citizenship. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Just a quick programming note — we thought we’d join y’all today and then take this coming Friday off. If that doesn’t work for you, let us know and we’ll prepare a special Friday package of cuss words just for you.

Note three: In case you wanted to bask in the warm glow of Trump’s kind words this morning, here they are. What a fucking asshole.

Note four: Trump is really stepping up his attacks on Harvard because they wouldn’t fold and let him run the school. We’re happy to see them fighting back, but it really does look like he’s going to kill the university. Russia and China will be so happy. More: NPR, Reuters

Note five: Since the president can’t be bothered to do it, we actually would like to take a second to remember those who gave everything so that we might be free to cuss out the shithead president.

Note six: The homophobic Duck Dynasty guy died. Oh well. More: People

Note seven: Some welcome news as President Biden says he is “feeling great” following his cancer diagnosis. Hang in there, Mr. President! More: HuffPost

Note eight: We can’t adequately describe how horrifying it is to live in a world where this asshole is making sense…

Note nine: Trump totally caved on tariffs again. This time it’s the EU. He’s a moron, but at least he’s also a coward. More: CNBC

Note 10: Jay Powell gave a very nice commencement speech this weekend that seemed like a push back against Trump. So welcome to the resistance, Fed Chairman. More: Associated Press

Note 11: Want to be super pissed off? Well then you’ll want to read this story about how John Fetterman is angry that he’s being shamed into doing his job. Yeah, we’re all big meanies because we want him to actually show up for hearings and votes and shit. What the fuck does this guy think we elected him to do? Dress like shit? More: HuffPost

Note 12: Oh we love this. Kamala Harris taking shots at Elon Leon Melvin Musk. Git his ass.

Note 13: Trump gave the commencement speech at West Point this weekend. It was crazy and awful, but we did learn a lot of life lessons from the section about trophy wives. More: USA Today

Note 14: You know the dirtbag at DOJ who hangs out with Hitler impersonators and worked his ass off for the Jan. 6 garbage? Well now he wants pardons for the shit-eaters who tried to kidnap Gretchen Whitmer. Thank goodness the law and order folks are back in charge. More: CBS Detroit

Note 15: We can’t afford research to cure cancer, but we’re spending a million bucks a month on fathead Tom Homan’s security detail. He must be really scared of AOC. More: CBS News

Note 16: Just a reminder that this newsletter is homemade by humans and will never, ever, ever be written by AI…

Note 17: Trump is officially going ahead with his idiotic military parade that just happens to be on his birthday. This is the kind of thing the press would lose their minds about if Obama did it, but it’s Trump so they’ll probably cover it like the fucking Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. More: USA Today

Note 18: Just when we thought Texas couldn’t suck any worse, they’re gonna go and ban THC products. How can they do this to Willie Nelson?! More: The Texas Tribune

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Florida. We totally forgot that Ron DeSantis exists, but the folks at this wrestling match didn’t. Thank you to all these wrestling fans for booing White Boots Ron and chanting “YOU SUCK!” at him. Ok this actually does make us proud to be Americans.

Note 20: And on that hilarious and welcome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome holiday weekend and not waking up to write angry all-caps attacks on your fellow Americans. Leave that to us. And the president. Love y’all!

Note 21: Bonus Note! Happy birthday to the amazing Stevie Nicks. Thank you for making the world more magical… Watch here

No more fake Jake
We have learned a lot about CNN’s Jake Tapper in the last couple of weeks. We frankly had no idea how much hatred and personal anonymity he had for President Biden and his family. In the last several days, we’ve seen Tapper cozy up to Megyn Kelly, apologize to Lara Trump, tell Katie Couric that Hunter Biden is “sleazy” and tell Kevin Galloway that the “fuckers” on the left are losing elections because they don’t know how to talk to his 15-year-old football playing son. Media bias is a real problem in this country but not in the way we’ve been told for the last few decades. That’s why it’s fine for Jake to trash Biden nonstop while ignoring Trump’s mental health. But now we know, and none of us will ever trust another fucking word that comes out of Tapper’s mouth ever again. More: Mediaite, The Independent

No help for Tar Heels
Remember down the homestretch of the last presidential election when Trump was lying nonstop about Biden’s response to Hurricane Helene in North Carolina. Yeah, while Biden was doing everything he could to help the Tar Heel State, Trump was lying. Well now that he’s president, Trump has decided to do what Biden wouldn’t and fuck over North Carolina. On Friday, Trump denied more FEMA help to the state, leaving them on their own to clean up about $60 billion worth of damage. This comes as we’ve seen Republicans like Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Josh Hawley have to beg Trump for aid to their state. We know we say this a lot but just try to imagine what a massive fucking scandal this would be if Obama or Biden did it. More: WYFF44

Who knew?
It has only taken a decade, but Trump is actually starting to figure out that this Vladimir Putin fella might not be on the level. We’re kidding of course because Putin owns Trump and Trump is playing stupid right now. But it’s just so hard to tell. In the last 24 hours, Trump has taken to publicly accusing his old KGB buddy of acting “absolutely crazy.” Yeah, Trump seems to have just discovered that his friend is intentionally killing civilians. The Kremlin responded that Trump is being “emotional.” It seems like a pretty big story to us that Trump is so fucking gullible he’s just now figuring out Putin is a monster, but what the fuck do we know? More: CNN

Today’s clips
French President Emmanuel Macron's office Monday played down the moment his wife, Brigitte Macron, appeared to shove him in the face in Vietnam at the start of the couple's Southeast Asia tour. More: NBC News

Israeli strikes killed at least 52 people in the Gaza Strip on Monday, including 36 in a school-turned-shelter that was struck as people slept, setting their belongings ablaze, according to local health officials. The military said it targeted militants operating from the school. More: HuffPost

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson said anyone who loses access to Medicaid because of the “big, beautiful bill” wasn’t supposed to have it in the first place. More: HuffPost

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