A Disappointing Weekend

It’s Monday. Happy Labor Day. There are 428 days until the midterm elections. Missouri gets in on rigging elections, Trump’s covid confusion and Epstein ain’t dead yet (the story, we mean).

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t unite China, Russia and India like a fucking idiot.

Note: Happy Labor Day, Sexy Patriots! We hope you’re enjoying some time off. We’re gonna do the same after we share some news and notes and lament that the thing we all hoped would happen this weekend didn’t happen. Yeah, we know it’s bad karma to be openly rooting for someone to die, but we think karma understands in this case. And while The Bruise ain’t taken Trump’s corroded soul just yet, we can all rejoice in bad shit happening to Doodie Pooliani.

LOL. Thoughts and prayers and all that shit. Also, what the fuck really happened here? Anybody buying this weird statement from Rudy’s press guy? Yeah, us neither. We can’t wait to hear the truth and how it involved a third Borat movie, a drunken flirtation with a parking cone and Rudy once again taking a shit out of his forehead. It’s like Rudy is Trump’s portrait of Dorian Gray — the more horrible crimes against humanity Trump commits, the more Rudy suffers. It’s pretty hilarious.

Anyway, we hate to spend this Labor Day cheering for bad things to happen to bad people, but that’s just how much these guys suck and we genuinely hope they fuck all the way off. Eat shit, Rudy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had a good feeling about Pope Leo, and we’re really gratified to see him speaking out against gun violence and in favor of LGBTQ+ rights. Let’s make sure JD Vance stays far the fuck away from this guy. More: NBC

Note three: Btw, Trump says he’s never felt better. The Bruises say otherwise. Try to live your life so that the whole fucking world isn’t planning a party for when you kick the bucket. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump still hasn’t invaded Chicago. He just keeps talking about it. We’re guessing he’s saving it for Wednesday’s press conference with Epstein’s survivors.

Note five: The president of the United States, who is probably still alive, spent the weekend on Truth Social, where he shared a psychotic episode he had about someone fucking up the concrete that he used to fuck up the Rose Garden. Imagine if Biden had… More: HuffPost

Note six: It can be easy to forget, but this is an election year. And we need to win so the assholes don’t. More: NBC

Note seven: Congrats to Trump on uniting the world’s villains against America. But hey, at least Canada hates us now too. More: NBC

Note eight: We know you already know this, but Kristi Noem is a fucking idiot. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Did y’all see this kid on the monorail this weekend? Jesus Christ! Scared the hell out of us! We’re just waiting to find out that RFK Jr. told him to do it so he’d grow up big and strong. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Ok, Sexy Patriots, we’re gonna wrap up early today to celebrate Labor Day. But before we go, we want to welcome you to September with a little Earth, Wind and Fire. You’re welcome:)

The Blow Me State

Oh sorry, that should be Show Me. But that was before Missouri Republicans started acting like cheating fucking assholes. On Friday, the governor of Missouri announced that his state will get in on Republican efforts to rig the congressional maps before next year’s massacre. Between this and Joni Ernst running for the hill, it’s pretty obvious that Republicans are looking at some extremely shitty polling because they and their policies suck butt. We’re gonna need every Blue State Democrat with a friendly legislature to do the same as Gavin Newsom and California Democrats. Let’s go!

More: NBC

Operation Dork Speed

Our president is a fucking idiot. You already knew that, but still. This morning he’s posting on Truth Social that he just doesn’t know what’s true about covid vaccines and the pharmaceutical companies need to tell him. Except they already told him that vaccines save lives and he just seems to fucking stupid to understand that. In today’s New York Times, NINE former CDC directors are screaming the alarm over what RFK Jr. is doing to the agency and to the nation’s public health. We’ve been pretty skeptical, but we’re warming up to the idea of annual vaccination trips to Tijuana.

More: NBC, CNBC

Big Wednesday

House Republicans literally left town to avoid having to vote on releasing the Epstein files. But they couldn’t stay gone forever, and this week, the Epstein story is making a comeback in a big way. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie are moving ahead with a Sept. 3 press conference featuring survivors of Epstein’s gross and evil crimes. Some of them have never been heard from before. Are we a little worried Trump will start a war with Venezuela Wednesday as a distraction? Yes. But the truth must come out.

More: Politico

Today’s clips

A man caught on camera snatching a tennis star’s autographed hat from a child at the U.S. Open has acknowledged the “serious mistake” he made, as seen in a now-viral video. More: Mediaite

More than 1.2 million immigrants disappeared from the labor force from January through the end of July, according to preliminary Census Bureau data analyzed by the Pew Research Center. That includes people who are in the country illegally as well as legal residents. More: HuffPost

A plane carrying European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen was hit by GPS jamming over Bulgaria in a suspected Russian operation, a spokesperson said Monday. More: HuffPost

A US judge on Sunday ordered an emergency halt to a plan by the Trump administration to deport a group of nearly 700 unaccompanied Guatemalanchildren back to their home country after immigrant advocates lawyers called the plan “illegal”. More: Guardian

Former special counsel Robert Mueller, who investigated ties between Russia and President Trump’s 2016 campaign, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease four years ago, his family told The New York Times on Sunday. More: The Hill

President Donald Trump lashed out at ABC News late Sunday night, demanding the network “fire” contributor Donna Brazile and “more” compensation for criticism of him, referring to ABC’s 2024 defamation settlement. More: Mediaite