‘A brown liquid’

It’s Monday. There are 379 days until the midterm elections (AND 16 DAYS UNTIL THIS YEAR’S ELECTIONS). Putin eats TACO, the Epstein/Santos Party and America says no effing kings.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But we swear to god it didn’t steal that shit from the Louvre.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, y’all sure looked extra fucking sexy this weekend. Your signs, your humor, you resolve and your love of this country were all on display as millions of us took to the streets to tell the president of the United States to kiss our hot asses. And then he took a shit on us. Not literally, for the most part. But using AI and his social media website, Trump posted a video of himself pooping all over Americans.

We wish we were making this up because we were really fucking mad about it. We were even madder that the mainstream media largely ignored it, calling the poop a “brown liquid” and not asking Republicans about it on the Sunday shows. You simply cannot imagine the press reaction had Obama or Biden done this garbage. So yeah, we were straight up fucking livid. And then we saw that we weren’t alone. Trump tried to take a dump on JD Vance too…

LOLOL!!! Oops!!! We went from being furious to laughing our fucking asses off. We bet Mike Pence did too. He’s seen this movie before. We can’t help but wonder if this was a warning from the big orange boss to get those 2028 thoughts out of his fat head. Or maybe this was a presidential intervention on behalf of couches. Either way, we’re glad we’re not JD. But that has always been true.

You done good this weekend, SPs. You rattled our dictator dickhead president so badly that he crapped himself. And you looked sexy doing it. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: We wish we were kidding about the press ignoring the shitting thing. The New York Times, which put the protests on page A23, called it a “brown liquid.” Meet the Press didn’t ask about it at all. So yeah, we’re the media now.

Note three: So it looks like Colombia will be our next war. We thought Venezuela or Panama or even Denmark, but Colombia is moving to the front of the line. Because the president is a fucking moron. More: Mediaite

Note four: Yeah, some of the fishermen Trump and Hegseth tried to murder survived and instead of giving them a trial, we’re sending them home. So apparently they only deserved the death penalty if it took the first time. Cool system. More: Independent

Note five: But dumbass isn’t crapping on all South American countries. He’s bailing out Argentina big time, and he gets very testy if you ask him about it.

Note six: Want to buy some soybeans? If you said yes, then you’re not China. Big congrats to all the farmers in red hats. More: Reuters

Note seven: That Louvre thing is wild. And seriously, it wasn’t us. More: NBC News

Note eight: Bombs are dropping and people are dying again, but Trump says the ceasefire is still on. Sure, bro. More: NBC News

Note nine: We have some big elections coming up in a couple weeks, and Republicans are getting desperate. Ignore the polls in Virginia and New Jersey and just work, work, work.

Note 10: Want to watch a pedophile-protecting little shit squirm?

Note 11: The White House joined Bluesky because this administration spends all its time trolling Americans who don’t kiss orange ass. It went exactly as you’d expect. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Mike Johnson and the Republican Party want to shut up Epstein’s survivors. Tomorrow, Virginia Giuffre’s book comes out. More: HuffPost

Note 13: This was our favorite sign from this weekend. It’s from Santa Monica.

Note 14: If you’re looking for a politics read today that won’t make you want to punch a hole in the wall, then check out this delightful interview Wired did with Zohran Mamdani. More: Wired

Note 15: The Dutch have stopped sharing intel with the U.S. because our treasonous dumbfuck president can’t be trusted to not tell the Russians. This kinda thing would have been a big story a few years back. More: Dutch News

Note 16: This has nothing to do with politics, but holy shit what Shohei Ohtani did the other day is definitely news. Maybe the most impressive shit we’ve ever seen on a baseball field. More: Associated Press

Note 17: We fall more in love with Portland every fucking day.

Note 18: Remember how much time Fox News spent on Hunter Biden? Well now one of their hosts is getting into business with Don Jr. Even for that shithole network, this is pretty goddamn corrupt. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to San Diego and one of the great pieces of live trolling we’ve seen in a while. We don’t know who this hero is, but we salute him nonetheless.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good weekend telling our fake king president to fuck all the way off. We know we sure did. Now let’s keep it going and win some elections! Love y’all!

Putin’s TACO lunch
There were multiple reports over the weekend that Trump yelled and cussed at Zelensky in a private meeting at the White House last week. After weeks of tough talk and vague promises about giving Ukraine tomahawk missiles, Trump talked to Putin the day before his Zelensky meeting and pulled a total 180. You know, because he’s an idiot and Putin’s bitch. Now Trump is demanding that Zelensky and Ukraine give up land (Trump is also denying that he said this) or warning that Putin will destroy Ukraine. We know Zelensky won’t fold. Because he’s not owned by Putin the way Trump is. More: Yahoo News

Epstein/Santos
On Friday afternoon, Trump commuted the sentence of George Santos. He even set it up to where Santos doesn’t have to pay back the money he stole from people he defrauded. So if you’re keeping score at home, you should know that Republicans are the party of George Santos and Jeffrey Epstein. They are the party of lying, cheating scumbags who steal from decent Americans. Hell, Mike Johnson even said he would welcome Santos back into the Republican caucus if he got himself reelected. We would welcome them both to kiss our asses, eat shit and fuck off. More: HuffPost

NO FUCKING KINGS!!!
While we were writing this morning, House Republicans held a press conference to bitch and moan about our big protest. They spent all last week accusing us of being terrorists and warning of violence. Well, more than 7 million of us took to the streets from coast-to-coast. We didn’t cause any violence, we didn’t smear our shit anywhere and we didn’t attack any cops. No wonder Republicans are so disappointed. Republicans and their friends in the media might be trying to downplay what happened this weekend, but we know what we saw and this is country is awake and seriously pissed off. Thank you to every single person who protested this weekend, and thank you to those who were there in spirit. More: The Guardian

Today’s clips
The Supreme Court on Monday agreed to decide whether a federal law that bars frequent users of illegal drugs from possessing a firearm violates the Constitution’s right to bear arms. More: NBC News

The Federal Aviation Administration said late Sunday that air traffic control staffing issues were delaying travel at airports in Dallas, Chicago, Atlanta and Newark as a U.S. government shutdown hit its 19th day. More: The Guardian

Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei on Monday rejected an offer of renewed talks from U.S. President Donald Trump and denied his assertion that the United States has destroyed Iran’s nuclear capabilities. More: HuffPost

Andrew Thornebrooke, a national security reporter at the right-leaning The Epoch Times, has resigned after the outlet agreed to the Pentagon’s new press restrictions, The New York Times reported on Sunday. More: Mediaite