A b-day card from Satan

Happy Friday. There are 473 days until the midterm elections. Republicans pass another cruel and crappy bill, CBS sells out some more and Trump says no special counsel for his b-day buddy Epstein.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it signs birthday cards like a normal person.

Housekeeping note: Thank you all for tuning in to our weekly therapy session! Here it is for anyone who missed it!

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we figured this week would get weirder, and we weren’t wrong. By now you’ve probably seen Trump’s gross pubey birthday note to his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. You’ve also probably seen Trump, who was Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend, flip the fuck out over the Wall Street Journal’s decision to publish it…

Yiiiiikes. We had to take a scalding hot shower to try and get that story off of our skin, but we can still smell it. And it gets worse. He didn’t stop with a birthday card. We actually got our hands on the Arbor Day card Trump sent his best friend Jeffrey Epstein…

Hey Broseph! I sure had a blast abusing those young girls with you on your plane and island. You might be the actual devil. Which I guess makes me the scumbag loser who follows the devil around doing the same evil shit he does. I’d give you one of our secret penis low-fives to denote that we’re both members of the Trump-Epstein Child Raping Club, but alas mine doesn’t reach that far. You know I’ve got the cankles. Hope you have a Happy Arbor Day, and I know you’d never kill yourself in prison. Love you, broski. With all my dead heart. See you in hell. Or at lunch. Now I’ll just sign this using my name as a woman’s pubic hair like a normal non-psycho does. Later!

Yeah, so that’s not real, but he’s clearly super fucking guilty of some truly horrible shit. Who could have seen this coming except everybody?! Can we please go back to not having soulless child-raping scum as our president? Please! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, we normally love to shit all over corporate media, but we have to give major props to the Wall Street Journal. Trump called and threatened them, and they still published the story. Fucking-A right. Well done, WSJ. More: CNN

Note three: We’ve been making a lot of jokes about Trump and his best friend Epstein. We think it’s a good way to keep attention on the issue while also keeping ourselves sane. But we want to point out that the victims of these monsters were very real and so was their pain. As far as we’re concerned, Trump should be in the same cell where they were keeping Epstein. More: NBC News

Note four: You know it’s a crazy busy news day because we’re not devoting more space to Trump’s cankles. Yeah, his health sucks and the White House is trying to downplay it. Pray for whatever the opposite of a cure is. More: Yahoo

Note five: Whoa. The Holocaust-denying adult virgins are super pissed at Trump. And that’s his base!

Note six: You know how we’re always saying Trump is a racist piece of shit? Well his DOJ said the cop who killed Breonna Taylor should only serve one day in jail. That’s one of many reasons why we’re always saying that. More: NBC News

Note seven: Eyes emoji!!! Gym Jordan has to go under oath in a Ohio State molested-wrestler deposition. We hope the people who keep voting for his creepy ass see this shit. More: NBC News

Note eight: Remember that face of rage from that dude at Charlottesville? You know exactly who we mean, don’t you? Well the Teamsters hired him. Then they fired him. Hey so what the fuck is happening at the Teamsters? More: HuffPost

Note nine: Thank you to everyone who marched yesterday to carry on John Lewis’s legacy. We sure as hell need some good trouble right about now. More: WSBTV

Note 10: You can tell Mike Little Johnson is a great Christian by the way he effortlessly lies about obvious shit. Fact-check — Trump’s approval numbers suck butt.

Note 11: ICE is getting personal information for every person enrolled on Medicaid. Yes, that is extremely fucked up. More: NBC News

Note 12: Human garbage Karoline Leavitt couldn’t answer why Trump is making up stories about his uncle teaching the Unabomber, so she decided to just be rude and arrogant instead. Try not to think about your taxes paying her salary. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Trump is making Obamacare premiums way more expensive. He must not know or care that we have big cankles too. More: CNN

Note 14: There’s some talk that House Democrats just rolled over for Republicans to kill NPR and UNICEF kids. We’re not sure we’re buying that, but we would have liked to have seen more of an effort to stop it. More: Axios

Note 15: And thank you to people like Rep. Melanie Stansbury who brought hell to the Republican Party’s front door. Keep going, y’all…

Note 16: Thank you to the Associated Press for doing a story about how Trump and his family are profiting off the presidency. It’s a major scandal. Or it would be if a Democrat was doing it. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Trump henchman Russel Vought says he wants Congress to be less bipartisan when it comes to spending deals. And that means that any Democrat who votes with Republicans is a sucker. More: Politico

Note 18: We need to make a correction, and we’re embarrassed about it. Yesterday we showed you what we thought was a funny typo of “Ground Bork.” But it was real. Our friend Lafe informed us that many butchers are combining ground beef and ground pork to make it more affordable since beef is at record highs under Trump. We regret the error, and we appreciate the education. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Brazil, where Trump’s coup-attempting pal has to wear an ankle monitor. We don’t know why, but we think this is funny as hell and we hope it gives him a serious rash. We also love how Brazil is telling Trump to fuck off.

Note 20: And on that satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you SPs have an awesome weekend. Please make sure to take a minute to laugh at Trump’s anger and then do something nice for yourself. Love y’all!

RIP NPR
Last night House Republicans rammed through the Senate recissions package that will take $9 billion from public broadcasting for two years and UNICEF. All Democrats opposed the package, and two Republicans joined them. It’s wild that Congress has decided that the White House should control spending decisions. It’s even wilder that these dumbfucks don’t care about hurting their own constituents. We’ve been pretty disappointed watching NPR and PBS try to water down their coverage in recent years to try and stay in the good graces of vindictive Republicans. Especially since it didn’t work. But this is a shitty thing to happen to our country, and we are super pissed off about it. More: PBS

Cowards Broadcasting Shit
CBS and Paramount have sold out to Trump yet again. Stephen Colbert announced yesterday that this is his last season doing the late night show, which is the highest-rated show in that slot. But CBS lied and said this was about “financial reasons.” Bullshit. Trump took to Truth Social to celebrate the firing and said he thinks Jimmy Kimmel will be next. Watching CBS repeatedly roll over for a tyrant is about the grossest thing we’ve ever seen in the media world, and we hope the executives over there fuck off, eat shit and burn in hell. More: The Hill

Stop hiding!
Trump was posting again this morning about his best friend Jeffrey Epstein, asking why Democrats didn’t release the files when Biden was in office. Maybe because they were being illegally kept at Mar-a-Lago? Yeah, the orange asshead is big mad that Rupert Murdoch defied him, admitting publicly that he tried like hell to get the birthday card story killed (this would have been a scandal if another president had done it). Trump is clearly feeling the heat, as he instructed Pam Bondi to try and release the grand jury documents. Except nobody is asking for that and courts can’t release them. We want the client list, Donnie, and we know why you’re hiding it. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips

“Late Show” host Stephen Colbert went after President Donald Trump on Thursday, the same day CBS announced his show is being canceled. More: HuffPost

In a move that many worry will open a door to public reprisal by President Donald Trump and potentially spark violence from his allies, a federal judge on Thursday dismissed a lawsuit that sought to stop the administration from publicly naming FBI agents who investigated the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. More: HuffPost

It will be a hot and wet weekend for large swathes of the U.S. with flood watches and intense heat wave warnings in place. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump will not appoint a special counsel to review the Jeffrey Epstein case, the White House said Thursday, shooting down a move that several of his allies have advocated. More: NBC News

Fox News host Jesse Watters combatively apologized that his show “made a mistake” in its reporting on a phone call between California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) and President Donald Trump, the focus of the governor’s $787 million defamation lawsuit against the network. More: Mediaite

Several drawings made by President Donald Trump in the 1990s and early 2000s resurfaced on Thursday after the president claimed to have “never wrote a picture in my life.” More: Mediaite