100-Grand Bribe

It’s Monday. There are 693 days until the midterm elections. Trump bribed the brain worm guy, he wants to end birthright citizenship and a dictator falls.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because you’d never catch us telling Trump to fudge off to heck.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you! We sure hope you had a restful weekend that didn’t involve watching a certain assheaded lunatic on Meet the Press. So why don’t we start this week with a twisted message of hope. This is a story about a Florida sheriff’s department that was making its own crack in order to bust people with crack. Yes, really.

So how is that crazy shit a message of hope? Because it’s a good reminder that America has always been a totally fucked up — if often lovable — freak show. We know right now a lot of folks are wondering if anything matters at all anymore and we’re here to tell you it does. We haven’t lost everything just because we’ve lost our goddamn minds. We’ve always been crazy! We’ve always done dumb shit! We’ve always been fucked up! We’re a country where cops make their own crack!

Now, are things about to get even more fucked up? Yes, most definitely. But when they do, we’re all gonna handle it like total pros and not despair because we will know deep down in our hearts that being totally fucked up and self-destructive is just part of the American DNA. It’s who we are. It’s what we do. So once more into the dumbshit moronic breach, dear Sexy Patriots. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Before we get into the heavy shit, we wanted to take a second to congratulate Taylor Swift on finishing her record-breaking Eras Tour. We’d also like to congratulate her on continuing to make pathetic incels angry. We love when she does that. More: USA Today

Note three: We’d also like to congratulate right-wing asshole Aaron Rodgers on missing the NFL playoffs. Weird fucker is probably trying to convince Mike Pence to still get them in. More: Sports Illustrated

Note four: We’ll talk more about this in the news section, but Tulsi Gabbard must be so sad that one of her murderous dictator buddies had to flee. More: NBC

Note five: Want to absolutely flip your shit in anger? Then check out Trump using Jill Biden to sell his dogshit cologne…

Note six: Trump went on Meet the Press yesterday and it was just as terrifying and incoherent as you’d expect. He said he wants the Jan. 6 committee to go to jail and made clear that his nominations to DOJ will do that for him. More: NBC

Note seven: He also said he will pardon the Jan. 6 terrorists, including those who assaulted police officers because they had “no choice.” You might think this is when the interviewer lost her shit. You’d be wrong. More: NBC

Note eight: Liz Cheney responded with something Trump and the press really hate — the truth. More: The Hill

Note nine: Welker was pretty weak in the interview, but that didn’t stop Trump from complaining about how unfair it was. He is seriously the whiniest little bitch who has ever walked this cursed planet. More: Mediaite

Note 10: This was totally us this morning…

Note 11: Democratic Rep. Ro Khanna went on a Sunday show to again endorse Elon Leon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy’s DOGE committee. Khanna seems to think it’s clever to endorse the cuts in defense spending as if his two friends aren’t also trying to cut veterans’ benefits, social security and every health care service. Dude is playing with fire. More: The Hill

Note 12: With so many Republican scumbags out there, we don’t like to spend a lot of time criticizing our own party. And we would never in a million years say a negative word about Rep. Jim Clyburn. We’re simply going to say that we vehemently disagree with him that Biden should pardon Trump. And if it was anyone else suggesting it, we’d be cussing until literal smoke came out of our ears. More: The Hill

Note 13: The Mets spent how much on Juan Soto?! More: ESPN

Note 14: Trump went on a weird rant this morning about how Democrats want to get rid of the popular vote. Please let’s call his bluff and tell him we will work with him to abolish the electoral college!

Note 15: Kentucky’s Andy Beshear is sure making a lot of good moves. Congrats, Guv!

Note 16: You know that trashy Trump attorney who is always doing videos of her fancy life? Well she’s gonna be White House counsel because everything is stupid and gross. More: HuffPost

Note 17: If you haven’t seen Wicked yet, get on your broom and get to the theater. Sam saw it this weekend and he’s been defying gravity ever since. More: Gold Derby

Note 18: If you think our country looks dumb now, just wait until Lara Trump is a United States Senator… More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to keep our music theme going and congratulate the Grateful Dead on being honored at the Kennedy Center this weekend. Much like Sam, Speaker Nancy Pelosi is a big fan!

Note 20: And on that long strange note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. We also hope that no cops try to sell you any crack today. Because we can be a pretty fucked up country. Love y’all!

He had to be bribed?!

So it turns out that the anti-vaxxer sexual harasser with a dead worm in his brain might not be a man of conviction. Because it sure looks like Trump bought RFK Jr.’s support with a bribe during the campaign. The Trump campaign paid $100,000 to the brain worm guy’s law firm a few weeks after Kennedy endorsed Trump in what looks like a pretty obvious and pretty cheap bribe. First, is 100-grand what a Kennedy goes for these days? And second, that weirdo had to be bribed? Yesterday on Meet the Press, Trump said he’s going to let RFK Jr. find a nonexistent link between vaccines and autism so yeah the anti-vaxxers are in charge now. For $100,000.

More: NBC, NBC

Yikes

Trump also said on Meet the Press that he wants to erase the 14th Amendment of the Constitution and end birthright citizenship. He added that he will deport U.S. citizens who are the children of undocumented immigrants. Yes, he is going to try and kick out people who were born here, live here and are American citizens. So like we warned all along, this was never gonna stop with just deporting criminals. Trump is a racist fuck who wants America to be white. It’s really that simple.

More: NBC

Bye!

It took way too damn long, but murderous Syrian dictator Bashar Assad has been overthrown after Syrian rebels went into Demascus this weekend. Because Assad is a Putin puppet, he fled to Moscow. We won’t get into the ramifications of this on the region or what it means about a clearly weakened Russia. But we will say that Assad spent a lot of time thinking he was untouchable and that this couldn’t happen. Dictators always think this. And they are almost always wrong. We sure as shit aren’t endorsing the Syrian rebels who could very well be ISIS folks, but we think it’s a good thing when world leaders are reminded they work for the people and shouldn’t murder them.

More: AP News

Today’s clips

Military leaders are rattled by a list of “woke” senior officers that a conservative group urged Pete Hegseth to dismiss for promoting diversity in the ranks if he is confirmed to lead the Pentagon. More: AP News

Jay-Z is accused in a lawsuit of raping a 13-year-old girl with fellow music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs. More: HuffPost

Conservative justices objected as the Supreme Court on Monday sidestepped a new dispute over race in education by declining to consider whether an admissions program for public high schools in Boston unlawfully considered race. More: NBC