Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the gig is up. Despite his endless stupidity and general cluelessness, Donald Trump has managed to Clouseau his way into busting our scheme. We can’t believe we’ve been caught red-handed. The dumbsonofabitch actually got us…

Fuck! We were so close to pulling it off! And we would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that pesky old pedophile. But he was wrong about one big thing. We were never going to blow up Mt. Rushmore. We hate violence, and we would never do such a thing. No, our plan was to BLOW Mt. Rushmore. Seriously. We’ve spent years accumulating rock, gravel and concrete so we could construct giant tiny penises to place under the four men on that mountain. Then we were going to spend the rest of our days going down on those rock cocks.

If that sounds fucking idiotic, we agree. But so does the stupid shit coming out of that guy’s mouth, and we’re not the president of the United States. Maybe it should be a bigger deal that our commander-in-chief constantly makes up fake crimes to accuse Americans of plotting or executing. Maybe it should be a bigger deal that he’s a goddamn moron. Or maybe we should actually build those giant little dicks. It makes as much sense as anything else. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Wanna hear something nuts? We don’t think that’s the first time we’ve made a joke about building Mt. Rushmore penises. We should probably take a day off. So we’ll see you back here Monday. Enjoy summer while you can!

Note three: This is the most fucked up thing you’ll read today. And man that is really saying something. More: NOTUS

Note four: The United States is still very much at war with Iran despite the president repeatedly lying about Iran’s military being destroyed. How do we know? Well aside from the soldiers dying, there’s also the skyrocketing price of oil. More: HuffPost

Note five: If you’re ever worried that you hate this motherfucker too much, rest assured that you don’t.

Note six: We didn’t see this coming. But apparently even ICE hates ICE. More: Washington Examiner

Note seven: And it gets better. You know how everyone hates JD Vance? Well that apparently includes his Secret Service detail. LOL. More: CNN

Note eight: Gym Jordan referred Jack Smith to DOJ for prosecution. If Jack had only molested some wrestlers, then Gym would have looked the other way. We think it’s great that these idiots keep messing with Smith. He definitely seems like the kind of guy you want to fuck with. More: NBC News

Note nine: Well lookie there! We just flipped another seat. Goddamn it feels so good!

Note 10: A judge wants to know why Pete Hegseth is ok with some gender-affirming care but not others. Good question. More: AP

Note 11: We fucking adore Megan Rapinoe, and we think she’s one of the greatest sports heroes of our time. More: Basketball Network

Note 12: Just think — if we win the midterms, then we get to investigate Brendan Carr. And that sounds really fun and necessary. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Well look who’s on Fox News. What’s the plan here, dipshit? Trying to be Short Fetterman? What a fucking asshole.

Note 14: Hey we’re really sorry you can’t afford to fill up your gas tank, but have you seen the president’s golden office? More: HuffPost

Note 15: Yesterday Trump was giving nukes to Saudi Arabia. Today he says they have to be friends with Israel first. Anyone else think Bibi was burning up the phone yesterday? More: AP

Note 16: Man, the Democratic establishment is really taking it in the teeth right now. If only there were some lessons to be learned from that. More: AP

Note 17: We didn’t think we could become any bigger Hunter Biden fans than we already were. Then we saw him fucking up Jake Tapper…

Note 18: So does anyone know who the dude was who was making fun of Trump at his rally yesterday? More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to… well, we don’t know where this is. But we do know that the kids are alright. Thank you to this badass, whoever she is.

Note 20: And on that fearless note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best weekend and don’t mind us taking an extra day. Adam wants to spend the day playing with his kids and Sam is building giant concrete tallywhackers. Love y’all!

A Fun Distraction

We are laser focused on two things these days — Trump’s reign of dumbfuck terror and the midterm elections. But we’re also politics nerds who like to talk about elections, so yeah, we occasionally dabble in some 2028 talk. That was especially true when we saw a poll out of New Hampshire that really got our attention. Your new frontrunner in the Granite State is… AOC! Whoa. And look at Mayor Pete and Mark Kelly up there. It’s not great for Gavin or VP Harris, but also we’re two years out so this is just for fun. Don’t believe us? Well just ask President Jeb Bush or President Rand Paul.

ADD HERE

Even Fox

So we can all agree that Fox News is wet shit on a hot day. But remarkably, their polling unit is still really damn good. We can’t explain it either. But right now, that polling unit is full of warnings for the Republican Party. Trump’s approval number is 39 percent, Democrats have a 53-46 lead on the generic ballot and voters now trust Democrats more on foreign policy, the economy and even immigration. We’ve seen a lot of good polls for Democrats, but this one is pretty damn encouraging. Keep up the great work, everyone. Especially Trump!

More: Fox News

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Jon Ossoff is everywhere these days. But most prominently, he is in Trump’s head. So Trump went down to Georgia yesterday to rally with nazi buddy Mike Collins. Trump even tried out a new nickname for Ossoff — Pinky Herman. Obviously the president of the United States was trying to say PeeWee Herman but he fucked it up. And it’s a stupid burn regardless because PeeWee was awesome and Ossoff is a snack. We actually fucking love when Trump goes on the road to tell everyone they should shut up about affordability. We hope he does more. We also get why he’s so worried about Ossoff. Because he fucking should be.

More: USA Today, The Guardian, The Guardian

Today’s clips

NEW YORK (AP) — Oil prices are jumping again Thursday as increased fighting in the Middle East threatens to slow the global flow of crude. Wall Street, meanwhile, is sinking with sharp drops for two of its most influential stocks, Alphabet and Tesla. More: AP

CAIRO (AP) — Yemen’s Iran-backed Houthi rebels said they attacked two Saudi oil tankers in the Red Sea on Thursday, potentially widening the Iran war as international oil briefly topped $100 a barrel. More: AP

MADISON, Wis. (AP) — The police shooting death of a man who injured an officer with a knife while resisting arrest has roiled the city of Madison, Wisconsin, with Gov. Tony Evers calling for “transparency and accountability” in any investigation and community members gathering Thursday at a growing memorial for the man. More: AP

BUNIA, Democratic Republic of the Congo — More than 1,000 people have died in the Ebola outbreak in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, according to Africa’s top health body, a grim toll in the fastest Ebola outbreak in history, as conflict, community resistance and an uneven response fuel its spread. More: NBC News

Tropical Storm Bertha made landfall in Louisiana and was southwest of New Orleans while moving west toward Texas early Thursday morning, after closing beaches on the Gulf Coast from the Florida Panhandle to Mississippi. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON – Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche is denying he privately told senators he “made a mistake” by setting up his department’s $1.8 billion “anti-weaponization” fund to give payouts to Jan. 6 rioters, even as two Democratic senators say he told them directly he regretted setting up the slush fund. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! You’re looking extra sexy and patriotic today. We’d sure love to know what your secret is. Whatever it is, it’s working. You know what else is totally sexy? Winning back the goddamn Senate. And according to the polling unit at Fox News, that’s a real possibility…

YOWZER! It was just a year ago that retaking the Senate didn’t even seem possible. Then Trump spent a year shitting himself, starting wars, shitting himself, raising prices, shitting himself, invading American cities, shitting himself, lying to Americans, shitting himself, killing Americans and shitting himself. Now, America has been fully reminded of what a soggy sad-ass sack of crap our president really is, and we’re ready to change the diapers. (That didn’t sound as cool as we thought it would.) So today we are asking for your help.

Early voting starts soon, and we need everyone pitching in. We’re not gonna ask you to send money because we know there are a billion obnoxious text messages and emails already doing that. But we are gonna ask you to get involved. Pick a race. Pick a candidate. Go to their website and find ways to volunteer. They don’t have to live in your state. Hell, you don’t even have to like them. But Sam Alito and Clarence Thomas are getting old, and it would sure be nice to have control of the Senate when one or both of them dies from autoerotic asphyxiation.

We have a lot of forces aligned against us, SPs. From the media to the billionaires to Trump’s foreign dictator buddies, evil has lots of friends. But that’s also how hero stories start, and we know you’re the heroes who can win this shit. So let’s fucking do this thing. Thank you for your Sexy Patriotism. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We did a therapy session yesterday, and you can get caught up here if you missed it. By the way, when we email those out, it’s a recorded version. If you’d like to join the comments, you can join us live. Just check out this space for programming times.

Note three: We get pretty pissed at our Senate Dems sometimes, so we want to highlight some of the good shit they do. This week, we were really moved by Sen. Andy Kim’s plan to get health insurance for kids. We like this way better than sending them off to die in the Middle East. More: The Hill

Note four: And while we’re handing out flowers, we thought most of our people did a good job questioning Pete Hegseth yesterday. Especially this dude…

Note five: Man, Canada really hates us now. Do you have any idea how fucking awful you have to be to get Canadians to hate you? More: HuffPost

Note six: This is really funny. Don Jr. addressed questions about his obvious and alleged cocaine use and about why he “looks like shit.” He blamed foot surgery. Sure, bro. And Chevy Chase was just taking medicine for back pain. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Hey so we have our candidates in Arizona, and we’re gonna need a clean sweep. Gov. Katie Hobbs is leading the way, so let’s get her back. More: The Hill, NBC News

Note eight: Don’t worry, everybody. The guy who cuts off dead raccoon dicks says the shitting disease is under control. We know we sure feel better. More: NBC News

Note nine: Mamdani got real as fuck last night in a video in which he called out Bibi as a war criminal. He went on to say that he doesn’t have the authority to arrest Netanyahu at the UN, but he encouraged federal officials to. We know that ain’t gonna happen, but it sure is nice to see a Democrat who can eloquently and plainly call for the arrest of a corrupt right-wing scumbag. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Speaking of arresting heinous buttheads, Tom Cotton went and got us all excited this morning…

Note 11: Trump is back to threatening war crimes against Iran as the cost of a barrel of oil goes back up. So it’s Groundhog Day, but instead of Bill Murray it’s just a goddamn moron who keeps trying to fuck the groundhog. More: NBC News, AP

Note 12: Well this is fucking hilarious. Trump is suing the BBC, so the BBC is demanding his financial records. And a judge just agreed with the BBC. How long until dipshit drops his suit? More: Politico

Note 13: We heard the Texas Senate race is about masculinity. So why is Ken Paxton such a gutless chickenshit wuss?

Note 14: Susan Collins is a FOE (Friend of Epstein). Tell everyone. And maybe tell the MSM because they don’t seem to give a damn. More: MeidasNews

Note 15: Today we will get the results of the independent autopsy for Nolan Wells. We still don’t have a single fucking answer about what happened to him, and that is simply unacceptable. More: Fox32Chicago

Note 16: Trump endorsed former crack enthusiast Mike Lindell for Minnesota governor. But Mike ain’t even registered to vote in Minnesota. More: The Independent

Note 17: The president of the United States thinks Americans support his stupid war. Or he’s just straight up fucking lying about it. Yeah, it’s probably the second thing.

Note 18: Trump and his goons are still torturing Americans in California and Minnesota. It’s pretty fucking sickening how many Americans are ok with this. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are taking you to the future. And man it is bleak. And really fucking funny…

Note 20: And on that broken note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And we really hope that you’re ready to kick some fascist ass this November. But we know you stay ready just like you stay sexy. Love y’all!

What Could Go Wrong?

Donald Trump, in his finite wisdom, has decided that the same country that gave us the 9/11 hijackers and bonesawed a Washington Post journalist to pieces should become a nuclear power. We really wish we were kidding about this, but Trump is actually about to make a deal that would allow Saudi Arabia to go nuclear. Of all the dumb and destructive shit Trump has done, this is the latest. You really have to hand it to the Middle Eastern countries who are really getting their money’s worth for all of those bribes.

More: AP

Empire State of Mind

For all the whining and bellyaching from rich assholes, New York City is actually on a roll. Wall Street is even fueling a jobs boom in Gotham under Mayor Zohran Mamdani. Apparently the city added 40,000 jobs in the last six months. Not too shabby. We guess all those people who threatened to move if Zo won were just full of shit. Who could’ve guessed?

More: The City Paper

Dover Don

Today Trump is traveling to Dover Air Force Base to attend the dignified transfer of the soldiers he got killed in his war against Iran. We normally appreciate a president making this trip, but in this instance it’s just fucking gross. This asshole got these brave young people killed so he could distract from his Epstein scandal. It’s appalling. It’s a low point in American history. And that piece of shit should just stay in bed eating candy and eating shit.

More: ABC News

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth faced fiery questions and protests Tuesday over the U.S. war with Iran, which he estimated has cost $37.5 billion so far, as Republicans prepare a $95 billion package to fund the military, along with other White House priorities. More: AP

Democratic U.S. Rep. Cleo Fields said Tuesday he would not seek reelection to his redrawn Louisiana congressional district that was at the center of a major U.S. Supreme Court ruling on race and redistricting. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is set to rally in Michigan next week as early in-person voting begins in the battleground state’s primary, where voters will choose nominees for open Senate and governor’s races. More: AP

A third American service member believed to have been killed by an Iranian attack on an air base in Jordan has been identified by the United States military as Sgt. Angel S. Rampersad of New York. More: NBC News

A federal judge has barred the deportation of a witness in the fatal shooting of a Mexican homebuilder by federal immigration officers during a traffic stop in Houston. More: NBC News

NEW YORK — Nicolás Maduro returns to court with his lawyers Wednesday and is expected to continue objecting to the U.S. military action that snatched the Venezuelan president from power and deposited him in New York to face drug trafficking charges. More: NBC News

Canada has canceled a planned joint celebration with the U.S. to mark the opening of the Gordie Howe International Bridge ​between Windsor, Ontario, and Detroit, citing trade threats from President ‌Donald Trump. More: NBC News

Soccer star Ferran Torres — who scored the extra-time goal that secured Spain’s thrilling World Cup final victory over Argentina on Sunday — wore a red hat emblazoned with the slogan “Make Spain Great Again” during the team’s celebratory bus parade and party in Madrid on Monday. More: HuffPost

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Welcome to Tough Love Tuesday! Why are we calling it that? Well because there are some of our fellow Dumocrats (did you know dumb is spelled with a b at the end?) out there who need a good talking to, and so today that’s what we’re gonna do. We know this doesn’t apply to your hot ass, so please feel free to skip it and meet us at Note 2.

This weekend, we will hit 100 days from the midterms. Donald Trump is a disaster wrapped in a catastrophe wrapped in an exploding diaper packed with demon shit. His approval rating is in the 30s, gas is at $4 a gallon, the White House itself is in ruins, soldiers are dying, criminals are walking free, masked government thugs are killing people in the streets and Mitch McConnell is missing and presumed dead. And yet, there are still people who can look at all of that and tell you that Democrats are the real problem. And a shocking number of the people saying that are Democrats. Well, we’re fucking sick of it.

If you can live through 10 years of Trump and still believe that young lefties or so-called commies are the real threat, then congrats to you for becoming a Fox News viewer. If you hate Muslims or Jews, then you should join the other party. They’ve got plenty of bigots and nazis, so you’ll fit right in. We’re supposed to be the tolerant multi-ethnic coalition that represents America. That means everyone. Don’t talk about a big tent and then proclaim yourself the decider of who gets to come in. And if you ever find yourself sounding like Van Jones or Bill Maher, then maybe take some time off or just go fuck yourself.

We honestly don’t know how else to tell people that it will take every last one of us to defeat fascism. ALL OF US. That includes wimpy chickenshit centrists, pink-haired communists, the last six Blue Dogs in the world, Muslims, Jews, Rastafarians, exhausted Black and Brown people, cool whites and the rotting corpse of James fucking Carville. We don’t have the goddamn luxury of purity tests for our party right now. If your candidate lost or loses in a primary, get the fuck over it. It ain’t about them. It’s about that crazy stupid orange asshead in the White House.

This is all-hands-on-deck shit, Sexy Patriots. We’re sure you’ll find a nicer way to say this stuff when you carry the message forward. And we know that we’re sometimes guilty of this shit too (looking at you, Sam). But there is no need and no time to hate on our fellow resistors right now when Republicans are wrecking the whole fucking world. Let’s get it together, team. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy today? Yeah, we need it too. We’ll see you at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT.

Note three: Hey so just a reminder that Fox News hires creeps and liars and all women should stay far the fuck away from them. Especially this weird little shit…

Note four: It’s a Tuesday, so people are voting. If they’re voting near you, please join them and remember to not vote for any assholes. More: Bolts Mag

Note five: Congratulations to Bryson DeChambeau (his real name) on being named the whiniest douchebag in professional golf. Threatening to call Daddy Trump is a pretty beta move, bro. More: HuffPost

Note six: We are sooooo fucking sorry to our neighbors to the North. We used to be a country that would help when our friends were in trouble. Now we threaten them and tariff them. So yeah, we’re dicks. More: NPR

Note seven: Nolan Wells was laid to rest yesterday. That will not stop the demand for answers. More: NBC News

Note eight: Y’all know we usually hate the New York Times, but they did something good today. Trump is starving Americans so his rich friends can buy more private planes…

Note nine: Speaking of the Times, Trump tried to get their phone records. Between this and the subpoenas and the “quiet Piggy,” maybe it’s fucking stupid to have a White House Correspondents’ Dinner Part 2 this weekend. More: AP

Note 10: We have no idea what’s going on with Trump Shitting Disease because he and his dumb friends broke all the systems and trust we would normally count on in this situation. More: AP

Note 11: The team at Seth Meyers’s show put together a montage of all the times Trump has been booed. It’s our new favorite song. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Even Fox News buttlicks are starting to freak out about Trump’s stupid war in Iran…

Note 13: Holy shit we are somehow getting new Jimmy Buffett music. And we really need it. More: Billboard

Note 14: Lindsey Graham is still dead. And they’re gonna swap in his sister. This is all very weird, and we’re not ruling out a Mrs. Doubtfire situation. More: NBC News

Note 15: Damn, even Fox’s Sexy Vinyl Vixen Brit Hume is sounding the alarm over Trump’s quagmire. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Wouldn’t it be great if a White House reporter saw this post and asked Trump about the protesters he’s murdered?

Note 17: We have no idea where Mitch McConnell is, but we think Andy Beshear is approaching this the right way. We’d rather have an empty seat than one filled by a Trumper. Vegetable McConnell is kind of the best-case scenario at the moment. More: WHAS11

Note 18: Nancy Mace just lost another election. What a loser. By deciding not to run for Lindsey’s seat, Nancy just took one step closer to irrelevance. Thank goodness. More: Counton2

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we were struggling to find something aside from that Jimmy Buffett news. So here’s A Pirate Looks at 40. And just for the hell of it, we’re adding Curtis Mayfield’s Superfly… More: YouTube, YouTube

Note 20: And on that awesome but confusing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. We also hope you’re ready to kick some ass this November. Because that’s the mission. Love y’all!

Performance Review

Kash Patel, who is living the high life on our dime, is heading to Russia this fall for some reason. Yeah, the director of the FBI is traveling to Moscow like two fucking weeks before the midterm elections. Seems pretty fucking fishy to us. Sure makes us wish we had the kind of press corps that would ask hard questions about this. It seems pretty obvious that Kash is going to do some colluding, but we suppose it’s also possible he just wants to use the jet to take his no-talent girlfriend to perform for Putin. Would serve him right.

More: Politico

Expect a Crash Out

Pete Hegseth is testifying in front of the Senate Armed Services committee today. When he’s not snarling, lying and being a total fucking asshole to the elected senators, Hegseth will be asking them for billions more of our dollars for his failed war in Iran. It’s another day when we’re gonna need our people to step up and get tough. But we also expect some Republican senators to ask some tough questions too. Just kidding. We normally would but they’ve been gone for a long time.

More: The Hill

Cancel Dinner

This Friday, the beltway media are going to go through with the rescheduled White House correspondents dinner for Trump. It boggles the fucking mind. So about 500 reporters wrote a letter to the association asking them to do the right thing and confront Trump about his attacks on the free press. It’s a nice thought, but we know it ain’t gonna happen. In fact, we’re guessing they will fall all over themselves to kiss his ass after the chaos at the last dinner. America desperately needs a press corps right now. Instead we’re stuck with glorified groupies.

More: The Wrap

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — A federal appeals court has rejected a request by Joe Biden to block the release of audio recordings and transcripts of his interviews with a memoir ghostwriter before he was elected president. More: NBC News

LUVERNE, Minn. (AP) — Crossing the open farmland of southwestern Minnesota, you’ll encounter an otherworldly sight: a massive head with a beard, mustache and red-striped top hat looming over the horizon.

Pull into the small town of Luverne and the figure — a nearly 66-foot (20-meter) tall nutcracker, decked out like Uncle Sam — comes into full view. More: AP

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Democrats could vote as early as this week on the order of their primary calendar for the 2028 presidential election, although the decision wouldn’t be final until the full Democratic National Committee agrees. More: AP

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — Tropical Storm Bertha strengthened in the Gulf of Mexico and was moving slowly toward the Florida Panhandle and Alabama, causing a tropical storm warning and storm surge watches, forecasters said. More: AP

WASHINGTON – Barely a week after Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) unexpectedly died, Senate Republican leaders will vote as soon as Tuesday to confirm a judicial nominee who once called the late senator “a weak-ass $$&&!” More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome back to the shitshow. How was your weekend? Did you embarrass the living hell out of yourself and your country by wandering into a World Cup champion team photo? No? Well then you must not be an idiot like the president of the United States. Yeah, the whole world is laughing at our dumbfuck president except for the part of the world that is killing U.S. troops Trump sent to die in a stupid war. That’s probably why cankles got this reception from the crowd in New Jersey yesterday…

Wait a minute! That’s our favorite song! BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! It’s always so fucking heartwarming whenever Trump steps out of the Mar-a-Lago Epstein bubble and comes face to face with a nation that hates his orange ass. And it wasn’t just the boos, though they were considerable (according to the White House pool report, the ambient crowd noise was about 78 decibels and “booing brought it to 84”). The world is also laughing big time at Trump for trying to crash the team photo and just generally making a fucking fool of himself on yet another global stage.

All in all, we enjoyed the hell out of this tournament. It was a great reminder that the world can come together and most of us are better than our politicians. It was also a great reminder that the president is a corrupt moron who gets his stink all over everything. Congrats to Spain. Sorry about the fucking idiot in your picture. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: This is so funny. Couchfuck and his wife had a baby this weekend. And Trump shared the first photo of the child. We’re shocked he didn’t declare himself the father. You know JD would have gone along with it. More: USA Today

Note three: The FDA is now saying that Taylor Farms wasn’t the source of Don-arrhea that has the country shitting itself. But Taylor Farms also gave money to Trump and went to the White House, so there’s really no way in hell we can believe any of this. More: NBC News

Note four: Nolan Wells is being laid to rest today. We still don’t have an autopsy report or any answers about how he died. That is unacceptable. More: NBC News

Note five: Andrew and Tristan Tate, two good buddies of the Trump administration, were arrested this weekend in Miami on charges of rape and human trafficking. Our first question is why the fuck were they in our country and our second question is where did Andrew get this blouse?

Note six: Congratulations to the U.K. on their new prime minister. That’s their seventh in a decade. It’s like they’re trying to make us look sane and competent (we are neither). More: NBC News

Note seven: Well, it looks like we have a new Senate candidate in Maine. Hopefully we can put the ugliness behind us, unite around Troy Jackson and beat Susan Collins. More: WMTW

Note eight: Some asshole from Journey says Bruce Springsteen should shut up. Hey bro, don’t stop believing that you can kiss our asses. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Every time we went online this weekend, we saw Republicans attacking a movie and we saw Democrats attacking each other. Good to know that everyone’s priorities are truly fucked.

Note 10: Sure is weird how this keeps happening. Imagine being in a family with Tulsi Gabbard and she somehow isn’t the worst one…

Note 11: Trump is such a loser that he can’t even take a bribe jet without fucking it up. More: NBC News

Note 12: This dude made a statue of Charlie Kirk, believing it would raise millions of dollars. Instead, he just keeps getting emails from people telling him they’re going to piss on his sculpture. LOL. More: The Guardian

Note 13: Lindsey Graham is still dead. More: Politico

Note 14: We’ve seen a lot of so-called moderate Democrats online talking like Bill Maher. Folks, if you’re ok with JD Vance because you’re scared of young people who don’t like war, then you’re a MAGA chode. It’s that simple. And Bill, please go fuck yourself. More: The Hill

Note 15: Back on Trump’s World Cup humiliation, we just had to share this one with y’all…

Note 16: Kevin O’Leary and Fox News are being sued for lying. More like Mr. Piece of Shit, right? More: The Hill

Note 17: One of the most underreported stories in America right now is how Elon Musk is poisoning Black communities. If this man never faces accountability, then we should all stop pretending justice is a real thing. More: CNBC

Note 18: If you can avoid flying United Airlines, you should. One of their employees threatened to call ICE on one of their customers, and they can’t even bring themselves to condemn it. Every time we think we can’t hate the airlines more, they surprise us. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re staying with ICE. We don’t know if this video is old or new, but we know it captures the American spirit that we’re looking for these days. Fuck ICE.

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and don’t have to be photoshopped out of any pictures. Because how fucking embarrassing would that be? Love y’all!

ICE Investigating ICE

Over the weekend, the NYT dropped a bombshell story that revealed the FBI has told ICE that the agency will not investigate the latter’s crimes. Instead, ICE will investigate itself. So no matter how many people ICE murders, the FBI and Kash Patel are going to look the other way. We don’t have to tell y’all how extremely fucked up that is. Right after this news broke, fathead Tom Homan went on the Sunday shows and lied about everything. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — abolish ICE.

More: CNBC, The Guardian

Thanks, Trump

It turns out that Trump was not correct when he said gas prices would be coming down fast. Or when he said that the Strait of Hormuz is open. Or really when he says anything. With the war against Iran spreading throughout the region, oil and gas prices are back on the rise and the national average for a gallon of gas in the U.S. just hit $4. And that’s just the financial cost of this stupid fucking war. Over the weekend, we were reminded that there are other, more painful costs.

More: AP

The Last Full Measure of Devotion

Trump has repeatedly told the world that Iran’s military is defeated. That was disproved this weekend when we lost three more troops. Two were killed in Jordan, and one was killed in Iraq. From the start of this war, Trump and Pete Hegseth have done everything possible to cover up the damage Iran has caused with its counterattacks. They have downplayed troop deaths and injuries. And they still can’t tell us what the fuck these brave Americans died for. But sure, let’s talk more about casting in the Odyssey.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

SOUTH HAVEN, Mich. (AP) — Senate candidate Haley Stevens talks often about manufacturing, taking on President Donald Trump and why she’s the Democrat best positioned to win Michigan. The congresswoman has far less to say about the pro-Israel group that has spent millions trying to get her elected.

The American Israel Public Affairs Committee, or AIPAC, and its affiliated groups have spent close to $30 million backing Stevens — their largest investment ever in a single race — as they seek to defeat progressive favorite Abdul El-Sayed in the Aug. 4 primary. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Arizona Republicans will choose a nominee in a state primary Tuesday to challenge Democratic Gov. Katie Hobbs in November. Voters across the state will also set the general election matchups for competitive U.S. House seats and for a full range of state and local offices. More: AP

BUNIA, Congo (AP) — The death toll in Congo’s Ebola outbreak has risen to at least 930, the country’s Ministry of Health said on Monday, with 37 new deaths reported in a 24-hour span Friday into Saturday, one of the highest totals. More: AP

Ukraine fired more than 400 drones toward Moscow in its latest major attack on the Russian capital, the city’s mayor said Monday. More: HuffPost

Former President Joe Biden’s son, Hunter Biden, weighed in on what he thinks Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) could be hiding about his sex life in a wild interview. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we are steaming goddamn mad today. If you haven’t seen it, the Vice President of the United States is using our money to live like a fucking Kardashian. MS.Now reported last night that JD Vance even wanted to use a Marine helicopter to take his son to a fucking golf lesson…

If that guy is looking for fraud, he’s doing a shit job. And it gets worse. Here at [TheAltMedia.com](http://TheAltMedia.com), we can report exclusively that this sordid story gets much, much more disturbing. Not only did JD try to take a government chopper to golf camp, but he has been using Air Force Two as a flying furniture orgy den. It’s appalling. The whole fucking plane is just stuffed with couches and loveseats. Those Air Force guys get him up to 38,000 feet and he just goes nuts. Running from cabin to cabin, wearing only the Trump florsheims and a crazed look in his eye, he humps the couches and larger chairs until they’re unrecognizable. They’ve started calling it Furniture Fuck One. After a few hours, JD gets worn out, so he showers and they land and the Air Force swaps out the badly damaged furniture for new stuff.

That and he’s been taking his motorcade to the Ashley Furniture outside of Bethesda after-hours. You don’t even want to know what that’s about. But get any couches you buy from there thoroughly cleaned and possibly into therapy. Y’all have a blessed day. Except for Couch Boy. Fuck him.

Note two: How about some much-needed therapy? Yeah, we’re overdue. Let’s do today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT. See you then!

Note three: The Supreme Court refused to hear Trump’s appeal in the E. Jean Carroll case, and this week she got her money. SO WHY THE EFFING FUCK HASN’T THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS ASKED THE PRESIDENT ABOUT IT?! More: Slate

Note four: If you live somewhere with wildfire smoke, please be careful. This is what we get for all that 51st state bullshit. And climate change. More: AP

Note five: Couch Boy had a rough time on Rogan yesterday. And also he’s lying about this. Congrats to JD on owning the Epstein shit with the Rogan audience. We’re sure it won’t come back to haunt him.

Note six: We can’t quite bring ourselves to congratulate Argentina fans, but their team did beat England yesterday in a very physical game that kept getting nasty after it was over. Argentina and Spain will face off for the championship on Sunday. Also, Messi has GOAT status now. More: NBC News

Note seven: We’re gonna talk more about Hunter Biden in a sec, but we wanted to congratulate him on winning his defamation suit against that Overstock freakshow. Sue them all, Hunter. Every motherfucking last one of them. More: NBC News

Note eight: If you ever think we’re being too hard on the couch-fucking boot-licking VP, just remember this story… More: HuffPost

Note nine: This is the latest we’ve seen in the case of Nolan Wells. We’re not gonna forget. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Sorry, England fans, but this is really funny. And it’s worth remembering that Messi was recently at the White House, so maybe put some money on Spain.

Note 11: Anybody going to see the Odyssey this weekend? We’re pretty fired up for it, but tickets are hard to come by. Thank goodness people are smarter than Elon Leon Musk and his band of racist idiots. More: Deadline

Note 12: Pete Hegseth announced gender-affirming care for the military yesterday. And not in a cool way. More: The Hill

Note 13: LOLOL! Iran is defeated, and they will be defeated soon. Got that? Just two more weeks…

Note 14: So we’re still gonna need a Senate candidate in Maine. Who y’all got? More: HuffPost

Note 15: George Santos is gonna be on a reality show. This might have been the most predictable thing to happen in America in a long time. But only because we’re a joke. We can’t wait to not watch the shit out of this. More: AP

Note 16: They seriously put Trump’s fugly face on a coin. Thank god for debit cards. More: AP

Note 17: We’re becoming Jon Ossoff super fans. We hope it’s not creepy.

Note 18: Remember to skip lettuce, vegetables and Taco Bell because you don’t want to get Trumparrhea and spend the next month shitting your brains out. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to Hunter B. We don’t always understand what this dude is doing, but we sure love it when he talks like this. Fuck him up, HB!

Note 20: And on that extremely satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week and not using government vehicles to take your goddamn kids to golf practice. But we know you’d never do such a thing. Or fuck the furniture. Love y’all!

Eat Shit, Todd

Todd Blanche will be back on Capitol Hill today, being awful and getting closer to confirmation. Based on what we saw yesterday, he’s going to get confirmed. But man, he sure revealed himself as a lying scumbag yesterday. Whether it was his lies about Epstein or his smarmy demeanor, Blanche made clear he’s Trump’s latest Roy Cohn. He even confessed that he is the president’s lawyer. Oops. Today, senators will hear from an Epstein survivor, one of many who Blanche has refused to meet with. Keep up the heat, Democrats. America needs you on this one.

More: AP, C-Span

Whoa

Bibi wanted to align himself and the Israeli government with the Republican Party. He got his wish. Yesterday, more than 100 House Democrats — including Speaker Emeritus Nancy Pelosi — voted to end military aid to Israel. We even saw House Leadership split on this as Katherine Clark voted for it and Hakeem Jeffries voted against. We honestly never thought we’d see anything like this, but Bibi has nobody but himself to blame. He went full Trump and killed thousands and thousands of innocent people. Thank goodness we’re in the party that is taking a stand.

More: NBC News

What Else is On?

Well tonight Trump is going to take over the airwaves to lie to America and set up his next coup attempt. In a primetime address that we’re sure all the networks will dutifully carry, Trump is planning to tell Americans that China interfered in the 2020 election. That’s the same China that Trump recently visited, and the same Xi whose ass Trump recently kissed. It’s also a load of horseshit that was too crazy for Tulsi fucking Gabbard. We desperately need the press to call bullshit on this nonsense, but we don’t have high hopes. Anyway, we’ll probably watch a movie or something.

More: Politico

Today’s clips

UVALDE, Texas (AP) — Dangerous flooding in Texas has intensified after days of pounding rain, sending emergency crews scrambling to rescue people from the rising waters before sunrise Thursday and setting off urgent warnings from forecasters: “Move to higher ground now!” More: AP

SEATTLE (AP) — President Donald Trump fired the new top U.S. prosecutor in Seattle on Wednesday less than an hour after the attorney was unanimously appointed by the federal judges in the district, highlighting tensions between the courts and the president over the powerful positions. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The newly drained Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool’s bottom surface has noticeably faded since it was lined with a protective coating in a color President Donald Trump called “American flag blue” this spring. More: AP

July 16 — Jalen Brunson was on center stage in New York again Wednesday, this time for a trio of ovations at the 2026 ESPY Awards. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The New York Times on Wednesday filed a motion to quash subpoenas that the Justice Department served on journalists who reported on security concerns involving the new, Qatari-gifted Air Force One, teeing up a significant court fight pitting press freedom against the government’s ability to force reporters to identify sources. More: NBC News

Fox News’ liberal “The Five” co-host Jessica Tarlov delivered her conservative colleagues a blunt reality check over Donald Trump’s repeated claims that his war with Iran is under control and nearing an end. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Today is the day Todd Blanche appears before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Today is the day that Trump’s slimy personal attorney gets questioned by our senators for 10 minutes each. We’re gonna need their best. We’re gonna need them to fuck this dude up. And we’re gonna need more than this from Dick Durbin…

Sigh. We’re gonna need more, Dick. Longtime readers know that we are not the biggest fans of Richard Lester Durbin (We’re just kidding about his middle name because Dick Les made us laugh). He’s a nice enough dude who has done a lot of good, but he is also the type of dude who thinks Lindsey Graham was a good friend and person. We’ve watched this sweet weak motherfucker get rolled over and over again. That can’t happen today.

Todd Blanche is a corrupt sleazebag who is literally at this moment breaking the law by covering up the Epstein files. This is the freaking dude who moved Ghislaine Maxwell to a cushy country club prison. If Blanche is claiming he made mistakes, then he can do that under oath.

So we are begging our senators, especially Durbin, to eat their Wheaties, put on their war faces and give Todd Blanche the kind of Dick he deserves. We need good Dick today, and we don’t care who knows it! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump’s idiotic speech about election fraud is tomorrow night. AOC says the networks shouldn’t carry it. She’s absolutely right. More: HuffPost

Note three: Remember when Trump claimed he was gonna drain the swamp? Well FCC officials were taking gifts from Paramount while considering their merger. This is so goddamn corrupt. More: ProPublica

Note four: Elon Musk broke election laws in Wisconsin. So when is he getting locked the fuck up? More: NBC News

Note five: If you want to know why so many people find Democratic Socialists attractive, simply look at this graph. It frankly makes us want to buy a fucking guillotine.

Note six: Some asshole who works for Hilton Grand Vacations thought he could be a racist piece of shit to a WNBA player. Now he’s looking for work. More: AP

Note seven: Trump’s war in Iran is going pretty badly. He has no idea what he’s doing and he seems fine with that. Meanwhile, gas is about to get really expensive again. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Pete Hegseth is a racist, sexist piece of human garbage. Refusing to promote women should be a much bigger goddamn story. More: New York Times

Note nine: We don’t know who this freaking weirdo is who keeps kissing Melania’s ass, but he sure is weird. More: HuffPost

Note 10: If you want to know why Trump is so afraid of Jon Ossoff, well, just watch this ad…

Note 11: We sure love living in Trump’s America where you can wake up to headlines like “The Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak is About to Get Much Bigger.” More: Wired

Note 12: Lindsey Graham is still dead.

Note 13: Condolences to France fans on their World Cup loss yesterday. Who y’all got today between England and Argentina? More: The Guardian

Note 14: Susan Collins is trying to put the ICE murder in Maine on Democrats. And Democrats are not fucking having it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We regret to inform you that the president of the United States is still losing his war against the Reflecting Pool…

Note 16: There was a time when it would have been a big deal that a United States senator went on television and spread batshit insane conspiracy theories and then just said nevermind. But it’s Ron Johnson so people are used to it. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We don’t like daylight saving time anymore than anyone else. But we’re pretty sure Republicans want to make it worse. More: AP

Note 18: Trump just endorsed Mike Lindell for governor of Minnesota. Hilarious. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’d like to congratulate President Joe Biden on his new memoir. And we’d like to thank him for holding the publishing date until after the midterms. Phew. But seriously, congrats Joe! More: AP

Note 20: And on that congratulatory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Please join us in hoping for a strong Dick today. We all really need it. Love y’all!

Murderer

Yesterday Susan Collins was bragging that she got Trump to stop ICE from doing traffic stops like the one that killed her constituent earlier this week. This morning, Trump declared that ICE should immediately get back to traffic stops. And this comes after another ICE murder in Florida yesterday. ICE and its murders are extremely unpopular and all-around bad politics. But Trump is a cruel and violent man, and he simply can’t help himself. Enjoy defending this shit, Susan.

More: AP, AP

Hell yeah!

Before we came up with that hilarious Dick joke, we were going to make today’s opening note all about how hero, E. Jean Carroll. Yesterday she did what few have done, and she beat Trump. She persisted in ways we can’t begin to fathom and she got the $5 million plus interest that the man who sexually abused and defamed her was refusing to pay. We would like to offer our congratulations and sincere thanks to Carroll and her attorney Robbie Kaplan.

More: PBS

Fuck This Dude

This wasn’t the biggest thing in the news yesterday, but it really pissed us off. Mike Little Johson said he couldn’t answer questions about the shooting in Maine because he hadn’t seen it. What? Dude, nobody fucking believes that and everyone is sick and fucking tired of being lied to. Imagine how quickly this charade would end if a reporter asked him how he can continually be so ignorant. Fuck Mike Johnson.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

WASHINTON (AP) — Kathryn Ruemmler, the former top lawyer at Goldman Sachs who was White House counsel to President Barack Obama, is set to face questioning before a House committee Wednesday about her relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Jay Clayton, President Donald Trump’s pick to head the nation’s intelligence agencies, will testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Wednesday, weeks after Trump abruptly delayed his nomination. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A large coalition led by the Rev. Al Sharpton and the family of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. will mark the anniversary of the historic March on Washington next month with a march for democracy. More: AP

PHOENIX (AP) — Pat Oliphant, an influential political cartoonist known for creating caricatures of U.S. and world leaders, died Monday. He was 90. More: AP

Having diarrhea is already a miserable experience, but it might be even worse if it’s caused by the parasite cyclospora, which is transmitted by feces-contaminated food and water, and is causing upset stomachs throughout the nation. More: HuffPost

Note: Buckle your seatbelts and put on your helmets, Sexy Patriots, because things are about to somehow get dumber. And yes, that’s dumb with a B. The president of the United States is planning a Thursday night address to the nation, in which he will use bullshit intelligence that was too looney for Tulsi Gabbard to accuse foreign nations of rigging the 2020 election. He’s even reportedly going to claim that Sens. Ossoff and Warnock are illegitimate. Our response? Go ahead and make our day.

Trump is a loser. And the American people who aren’t Fox News or in the White House press know that. So listening to Cankles McDumbfuck rant and whine about idiotic conspiracies ain’t going to help him. In fact, it’s going to give away his whole game. Hell, he might even make Ossoff president. We want the American people to see what a dangerous nutjob stupid shit Trump is. Apparently he does too.

Our only challenge here is the corporate-owned mainstream media who insist on kissing orange ass even when that orange ass is sending them subpoenas. We’re gonna need them to step up. None of that “falseshood” business. We don’t even want them to call what Trump is doing lying. No, they need to break the glass and call it what it is — DUMB AND DESPERATE HORSESHIT. Now show us a paper that puts that in the headline, and we’ll show you two new subscribers. Or hey, maybe they could just do their goddamn jobs without us having to beg.

Regardless of how dumb and scary this gets, remember that we’ve beat this asshole before and we will do it again. And if you’re worried he’s going to get away with it, just take a look at how he’s handled Iran and the Reflecting Pool. We got this. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNBC

Note two: Why are we so hard on the media? It has now been six days since Trump’s Supreme Court refused to take up Trump’s appeal in the E. Jean Carroll case, making it official that he is a sexual abuser. He has received exactly zero questions about it. DO FUCKING BETTER!

Note three: Lindsey Graham is still dead.

Note four: America is still at war. But according to the White House, this is a new war against Iran. Does that mean Trump lost the first one? More: HuffPost, The Hill

Note five: Literally blew up. Goddamnit that is hilarious. The more we watch Trump eulogize Lindsey, the more we realize how lucky we are to be this guy’s enemies instead of his friends.

Note six: While you’re struggling to fill your gas tank and put food on the table, Trump is minting coins with his fugly fucking face on them. If this doesn’t piss off America, then we don’t know America. More: HuffPost

Note seven: How stupid is Trump? Inflation was finally starting to go down when he started his war up again. So very, very stupid. More: NBC News

Note eight: THANK YOU to District Judge Kathleen Williams for calling bullshit on Trump’s deal with the IRS. Can she also be Senate Minority Leader? More: NBC News

Note nine: We are still waiting for answers on what happened to Nolan Wells, and we’re not going to let this go. More: WFSB

Note 10: James Talarico is calling out ICE, and we are so fucking here for it…

Note 11: Who are you rooting for today? It’s France, right? Gotta be France. More: The Guardian

Note 12: A lot of y’all are getting smacked by a heatwave. Please be safe and drink lots of water. And if you’ve got an old slip-and-slide, break that fucker out. Just remember to watch out for rocks and lawn darts. More: AP

Note 13: Elena Kagan and Amy Coney Barrett are testifying on Capitol Hill today. Someone should ask Barrett why she lied about Roe being settled law. More: USA Today

Note 14: Dave Matthews turned out to be a real one. We fucking love that he’s as pissed off as we are. Who knew? More: The Independent

Note 15: We don’t know the people who are doing this stuff, but we sure respect their game.

Note 16: HUGE props to New York Gov. Kathy Hochul, who just signed the nation’s first data center moratorium. This is obviously the right thing to do for lots of reasons, but it also pissed off John Fetterman so we really love it. More: The Hill

Note 17: We forgot to say this earlier but fuck every network that takes Trump live Thursday night. Fuck ‘em right in the ear.

Note 18: We doubt Trump reads the Palm Beach Post or really anything, but he should check out the reader who blasted him for getting his “stink” all over the World Cup. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you into the future. Ok that sounds a little dramatic. We’re just really excited about this movie coming out. “Keep firing, assholes!”

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start. Because you know Trump is gonna try to ruin it for you. Because he’s a giant asshole and that’s just what he does. Love y’all!

Beat Back Blanche

Todd Blanche is appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee this week for his hearing to be confirmed as Attorney General. It’s on Senate Democrats to make sure this man eats every last bit of his role in the Epstein cover-up. Inviting Epstein victims to testify is a big step in the right direction, but they really need to leave a mark on this dude. He needs to be known to the nation as the Epstein guy or we have failed. Make vulnerable Senate Republicans vote for the Epstein guy. If we sound worried, it’s only because we’ve been watching Dick Durbin for the last hundred years and we are not impressed. Still, hope springs eternal. Give him hell, Senate Dems. Or don’t bother asking us for money.

More: Politico

Meritocracy!

South Carolina got a new U.S. Senator and the voters there didn’t even get a chance to weigh in. Lindsey Graham’s sister, Darlene, is now the senator from South Carolina. She has no qualifications and no business being in the Senate, but that’s just how the Republican Party rolls these days. But this is what Trump wanted, so who cares what the voters want, right?

More: The Guardian

The Maine Event

Ok so the Graham Platner shit was a nightmare. But we still really, really need to beat Susan Collins. We were reminded of the urgency yesterday when ICE agents murdered Joan Sebastian Guerrero in front of his young daughter. They then lied about it just like they lied about their other murders. Guerrero was in the country legally. Protesters swarmed Collins’s office in Maine and blamed her for the murder. They’re right to do so. Susan just voted to give ICE another $70 billion. She has blood on her hands. So can we please find a candidate to beat her ass?

More: WMTW, Raw Story

Today’s clips

The price of crude oil on global markets continued to surge Tuesday, with international oil benchmark Brent rising for a second straight day to more than $87 per barrel, the first time since June it has traded at that price. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Monday sharply reduced the size of two national monuments in Utah, undoing protections established by former presidents on public lands that are sacred among many Native Americans. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal Reserve Chair Kevin Warsh said in written testimony Tuesday the Fed will make high inflation “a thing of the past,” yet provided no signal about the central bank’s next steps. More: AP

Federal prosecutors turned over key evidence long sought by Minnesota investigators in their ongoing probe into the fatal shootings of Renee Good and Alex Pretti during pitched protests against an immigration enforcement crackdown earlier this year, state prosecutors announced Monday. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Twelve states sued to block Paramount’s takeover of Warner Bros. Discovery on Monday, arguing that the $81 billion merger would “extinguish competition” in Hollywood and lead to fewer choices for consumers across the U.S. More: AP

President Donald Trump had an odd response on Monday when asked what he knows about the health of Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), who released a photo and statement over the weekend after nearly a month of silence during a lengthy hospitalization. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, Lindsey Graham died. We’re sure you know that by now. And you’ve probably seen his former Senate colleagues mourning him and issuing statements about how funny he was. Even the Democrats we vote for and give money to are sending flowers and statements. If you’ll forgive us, we’re gonna take a different approach. Because that guy sucked and he can go fuck himself in hell…

LOLOL!!! You really have to appreciate Trump reminding everyone that Lindsey’s one brief moment of actual patriotism and decency was just a blip and he went right back to sucking butt 40 minutes later. Lindsey was an ass-kissing weasel who pushed through Kavanaugh, tried to overthrow an election and got horny over sending young Americans to die in war. The Senate might miss him, but we sure as fuck won’t. Are we being too harsh? Let’s find out. Here’s an interview with Sen. Lindsey Graham…

Us: Sen. Graham?
Lindsey Graham: HELP! HELP! I’M STUCK IN THIS BOX! GET ME OUT! HELP!
Us: (Running away)

Well that didn’t go how we thought it would. You didn’t hear nothing, ok? And neither did Lindsey when his constituents begged him to not be awful. Which is why we say fuck off and sayonara. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: RIP to someone whose death we are actually sad about. We’re going to miss Sam Neil. And we’ll probably watch Jurassic Park tonight. More: People

Note three: Nancy Mace wants to replace Lindsey. She’s actually perfect for the job. But only the way he did it. More: HuffPost

Note four: We thought Michael Fanone’s tribute was the most elegant… More: Substack

Note five: By the way — Lorenzo Araujo and Nolan Wells are both dead too, and we care way more about getting answers in those cases than we do Linsdey Graham’s loser ass.

Note six: Trump claimed over the weekend that he just finished another physical and cognitive exam. Nobody seems to know or care what the fuck he’s talking about. More: Yahoo News

Note seven: In fact, here’s Jake Tapper, ignoring Trump’s health as he auditions to be the next Lindsey Graham. Can someone send Jake some self-respect? Or at least a hanky so he can wipe his mouth?

Note eight: Goddamnit. While we were writing, we saw reports of another ICE shooting. This one was in Maine and Susan Collins won’t give a shit. More: News Center Maine

Note nine: If you want to know why we’re rooting for France in the World Cup, just read what Harry Kane did. More: HuffPost

Note 10: President Crazy Idiot announced to the world this weekend that he has a plan to destroy Iran if they assassinate him. So we’re now in Game of Thrones territory. More: AP

Note 11: And hey just FYI — the strait ain’t open and dumbfuck has no plans to get it open…

Note 12: Man, 10,000 people died from that European heatwave. Our planet is cooking us alive, and nobody seems to really care all that much. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We stay out of primaries, so we are just passing along that Gary Peters has endorsed Haley Stevens in the Michigan Senate primary. The establishment seems very worried about Al-Sayed, which is probably a good thing for him. More: AP

Note 14: Rapist Conor McGregor embarrassed himself in his return to the ring this weekend. Good. Fuck that dude. More: HuffPost

Note 15: When will people learn that there is nothing good to come from trying to be nice to this administration?

Note 16: You might remember on Friday we were worried and pissed off that Graham Platner was waiting until the last minute to get out of the race. Well, he actually got out later that day. Phew. Now let’s nominate someone who can win! More: AP

Note 17: It’s pretty fucked up to realize that Stephen Miller might not be the worst person in his own house. Thank you to Ally for calling out this craven shit. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We hate to tell you this, but the Reflecting Pool ain’t doing so great. At this rate, we might never be great again. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are still celebrating Sam Neil. We were gonna spike the football on Lindsey Graham’s cold dead body again, but we saw this video and thought it was a nicer way to go out today… More: Threads

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend. And remember — every man dies, but not every man truly sucks. Love y’all!

Ro-ly Shit!

Ro Khanna spent the morning being attacked on Fox News after he spent the weekend being detained by Israeli settlers and IDF soldiers in the West Bank. This is pretty fucked up, y’all. We sure as hell appreciate Ro going to find out what’s going on there and where our tax dollars are being spent. The idea that he would be detained by armed settlers if fucking infuriating. We are never sure where we stand on Ro, but after his efforts on the Epstein stuff, he has earned the benefit of the doubt. But also, does the Israeli government just not want any Democrats to ever have their backs again?

More: The Hill

Weekend at Mitch’s

Mitch McConnell is alive and well. Well, he’s alive. Or so we’re being told. Yesterday, just hours after Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear went on television and asked for proof of life, a photograph of a smiling and smoothed out McConnell and his fleeing wife showed up. They even conveniently had a copy of that day’s newspaper in the picture. He then proceeded to say nothing on video or even put out a statement about Lindsey Graham. So yeah, we have no idea if he’s alive or not.

More: bsky.app

The Correspondents Dinner is Gonna Be Lit!

On Friday, Trump summoned Kash Patel to the White House. Almost immediately afterwards, New York Times reporters were subpoenaed. The administration is furious that these reporters got details about Trump flying around in a giant bribery security risk and published them. So they’re going to try to jail these reporters unless they reveal their sources. We have our beef with the NYT, but we seriously doubt they will fold on this unlike their network brethren. But maybe it’s a really fucking stupid idea to have a dinner for this fucking asshole that celebrates the First Amendment.

More: AP

Today’s clips

When the U.S. Senate considers Todd Blanche’s nomination for attorney general this week, all eyes will be on one Republican senator in particular: Thom Tillis. More: Yahoo News

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — Minnesotans are known for their niceness, but pleasantries are rare in the state’s Democratic U.S. Senate primary.

The two leading candidates, U.S. Rep. Angie Craig and Lt. Gov. Peggy Flanagan, have clashed over electability, their ties to corporate interests and willingness to fight Republican President Donald Trump’s administration in Washington. Millions of dollars in political ads have blanketed televisions and phone screens for a race that has become emblematic of Democrats’ deeper divides. More: AP

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — With the death of Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham, Ukraine lost a close ally in President Donald Trump’s orbit, leaving its leaders grappling with the implications for their war-torn country. More: AP

A Democratic senator on Saturday alleged that whistleblowers have detailed several problems stemming from rushed or improper reconstruction of the Kennedy Center, adding a new layer to the travails of the arts complex as President Donald Trump tried to seize control of it and its name. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A federal judge has dismissed the remnants of the government’s landmark case against far-right Proud Boys members who were convicted of seditious conspiracy for plotting to attack the Capitol to keep President Donald Trump in the White House more than five years ago. More: AP

Mick Jagger wants to keep his concerts only rock and roll, how he likes it.

Talking about the role politics plays in his music in an interview with the New York Times released on Saturday, The Rolling Stones frontman said he likes to keep any social commentary in his songs to “small doses” and never wants to make those messages a part of live performances. More: HuffPost

Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! Who’s ready to shit themselves to death?! Yes, it seems we are in the beginning stages of the inevitable phase of Trump II where Americans get the nonstop poopies. But don’t worry — that guy who desecrates animal corpses is still in charge of our collective health…

Yeah, we’re fucked. You just know this freak is gonna tell us that extreme crapping is a great way to lose weight and catch up on bathroom reading. He might even tell us it’s how he discovered he likes the taste of his own shit. But for normal people, this kind of thing is concerning. Hell, even Taco Bell went ahead and pulled some ingredients to protect their customers. That means the Baja Blast people are doing more to protect your health than the raccoon dick guy and the federal government.

We don’t want to be alarmists. You probably won’t shit yourself to death. But doesn’t that seem like something that would happen under Trump? Widespread diarrhea dying just seems so Trumpy. In the first term, we wore masks. In the second term, it’s diapers. Maybe Trump just wants us all to be like him. Or at least smell like him. Regardless, be safe out there. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey we’re so sorry we had to cancel therapy yesterday. Adam was under the weather (not with the thing from the first note). We’re gonna try to sneak in a session later today, but we’re not sure if we can line it up. We’ll keep you posted.

Note three: President Dumbshit announced this morning that he is refusing to sign a bipartisan bill to lower housing costs because Republicans won’t eliminate the filibuster. LOL. What a fucking moron. He sure showed us. More: CNBC

Note four: Fetterman is now raising money with Republicans. It’s hard to describe how excited we are to retire this dumb sonofabitch the next time he’s up. In the meantime, he can kiss our asses. More: The Hill

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about Maine in the news section, but goddamnit this story just keeps getting worse. Are we better than Republicans or not?

Note six: We’ve seen a lot of stories about how much pressure the U.S. men’s team was facing. LOL. We’d like to remind everyone that Megan Rapinoe was literally attacked publicly by the president of the United States WHILE playing in a World Cup and she still won the fucking thing. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We don’t know about y’all, but we think France is looking like the team to beat. We are sure gonna miss this tournament when it’s over. More: ESPN

Note eight: Nolan Xavier Wells. That’s it. That’s the note. We just want to make sure that we’re saying his name and people aren’t forgetting. More: ABC News

Note nine: We didn’t think Colorado could do worse than Jared Polis. Then we learned about the murderer who Republicans nominated. Yikes. More: HuffPost

Note 10: This is pretty funny from Roy Cooper in North Carolina…

Note 11: The L.A. Dodgers hate their fans. That’s the only way to explain why those assholes keep going back to the White House. What a fucking disgrace. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 12: Ted Cruz is worried about James Talarico. We’ll be worried too if Ted endorses him because Cruz might be the biggest goddamn jinx on the planet. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Remember when the news made a HUGE deal out of President Obama’s spiritual adviser? Well why does this fucking asshole get a pass?

Note 14: Turkey wouldn’t let a gay cruise come there. And Patti LuPone is calling shit out. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We had no plans to fly into Palm Beach airport. And now we never will. More: AP

Note 16: We’re gonna talk about Maine in the news section, but here’s a handy guide to who is stepping up to run in his place. More: AP

Note 17: Well this is just too perfect. And it just inspired a Cheers rewatch…

Note 18: Trump is covering the White House with tarps. We assume he’s just going to bulldoze the rest of it. Let’s hope he’s there when it happens. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’ve got nothing. We’re just kidding. We’ve got you and that’s a lot. So here’s the Peanuts gang dancing to Outkast. Have a great Friday. More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that funky note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend and don’t spend it crapping yourself to death. But we always hope that. Love y’all!

Coup Part II

The guy who attempted a coup in 2021 is back at it, and the mainstream media don’t really seem to care. Trump just fired all the remaining members of the bipartisan Election Assistance Commission. And we’re assuming he didn’t do it for honest reasons. While we’ve seen conflicting reports about how big of a deal this is, we think it’s pretty huge just because it’s like the billionth piece of evidence that the serial cheater is planning to cheat again. We have to admit we are damn curious to hear what our party’s plan is to combat this crazy shit.

More: NBC News

You Can’t Reform This

The men who were with Lorenzo Salgado Araujo say that ICE is lying. Again. ICE’s claims that this man was trying to ram them with his car were lies. Again. So yes, ICE murdered an innocent person. Again. And those fuckers are claiming there are no body cams because of Democratic shutdowns. So not only are they lying, but they’re being super partisan about their murder. This man’s kids are destroying our hearts when we hear them speak about what a good man their dad was. He wasn’t even the guy ICE was looking for. This agency can’t be reformed. It needs to be abolished. If you’re not sure about that, don’t ask for our votes.

More: Washington Post, The Guardian, NBC News

Go the Fuck Away

That message is for Graham Platner, who apparently still doesn’t get what’s happening here. It’s over, dude. We’re done with you. Some of us never started. But we saw the news yesterday that this asshole is going to wait until the last possible minute on Monday to officially drop out, and we learned that it is possible for us to hate an accused rapist even more. It’s becoming very clear that this was never about working people. This was about one man’s ego. Enough. Drop out. Let us move on.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

GRAPEVINE, Texas — Wally Funk, an aviation pioneer who was the oldest woman to launch into space, has died. She was 87. More: NBC News

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Eight South Carolina National Guard helicopter pilots have been returned to flying duties following a suspension over a low-flying sweep over beachgoers as part of a July 4 event honoring servicemembers. More: AP

MEXICO CITY (AP) — Mexico will request criminal charges over 17 Mexicans who died in ICE custody or during immigration enforcement operations by the Trump administration, officials said Thursday. More: AP

Most of America’s Lower 48 states are about to swelter under an unusually large, strong and long-lasting heat dome that will spike temperatures in a way that the National Weather Service calls “significant and dangerous.” More: AP

PROVO, Utah (AP) — Lawyers for the man accused of killing conservative activist Charlie Kirk plan to call a final witness on Friday as they try to raise doubts about the prosecution’s case before it can go to trial. More: AP

President Donald Trump on Wednesday made a series of claims about Iran while attending a NATO summit in Turkey that clashed with wholly opposite comments he made over the past month, which CNN host Abby Phillip highlighted with a damning split-screen. More: HuffPost

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, if we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a million times — the only good thing about Trump is that he makes heroes out of everyday Americans. We’ve seen it for years now. Unlikely folks with no power showing strength and courage and signing up to run for office at a time when their nation needs them. It’s a huge sacrifice, and we have so much respect for all the good people who have heeded the calling and put their names on the ballot. We’ve also seen lots of fucking assholes run.

Ugh. Well this whole thing has sure been unpleasant. Long time readers will remember a few years ago when we realized that we are basically the odd couple from Highlights Magazine, Goofus and Gallant. (Don’t worry. It’s not mean. Sam made peace with being a Goofus a long time ago.) Basically Adam is a Gallant, a Boy Scout and an all-around good dude and family man and Sam has long been a degenerate lunatic who was never meant for polite society. Why are we telling you this? Well, we think it’s a good rule of thumb for Democrats going forward — Gallant should run for office; Goofus should write cussing newsletters.

Seriously, how many times are we gonna shoot off our own fucking feet while trying to withstand the powerful forces of fascism? It’s like fighting with one hand tied behind our hot asses and the other stuck in a desk fan. We know there are a lot of people out there who want to step up and run. And we really appreciate that. But before you do, just ask yourself “Am I a fucking asshole?” If the answer is yes, let someone else do it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy today? The only time we can do it is during the France vs. Morocco game, so we’ll try not to take too long. How does 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT sound? Great! We’ll see you then.

Note three: We woke up to the sad news this morning that singer Bonnie Tyler died. Total Eclipse of the Heart is an all-time banger. RIP. More: Yahoo News

Note four: So what’s next in Maine? Well that July 13 deadline to switch candidates is a fucking gift and so they’re going to throw together a nominating convention. We can still beat Collins. We just have to stop beating ourselves first. More: KTUL

Note five: Hey we found some of that communism Trump keeps talking about.

Note six: Trump says he doesn’t know if Mitch McConnell is alive. But that’s not really news because Trump doesn’t know shit about shit. More: WHAS11

Note seven: Trump is refusing disaster aid to blue states. Imagine how this would be covered if a Democratic president did this to red states. More: Politico

Note eight: Karolie Leavitt had some harsh words for Gen Z, calling them lazy and entitled. Hey, KKKaroline, we can’t all marry rich old dudes. But we’ve sure tried. More: Yahoo

Note nine: David Hearn is being arraigned today. We hope when this is over that he sues the federal government for this obvious harassment. More: NBC News

Note 10: As many social media users pointed out, Trump was being told to pay the woman he sexually abused and defamed around the same time JD said this bullshit…

Note 11: We are not going to stop asking questions about Nolan Wells. Because this situation is insanely dark and fucked up. We’re sending love to his poor family. More: People

Note 12: We’re also going to be talking about Lorenzo Salgado Araujo. He’s the father of three who ICE just murdered. More: AP

Note 13: Hey btw we’re at war again and Trump has zero clue what the fuck he’s doing. There is no plan. None. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Remember yesterday when Trump kept confusing Zelensky for Putin and then said we’d been attacked by Japan? None of that made any front pages today. It’s almost like the mainstream media have a different standard for Trump. Fucking assholes.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 15: Trump really, really sucks at EVERYTHING…

Note 16: Remember that Wisconsin judge who tried to help an immigrant escape from ICE. Well she was found guilty, but she won’t have to do any jail time. We still think she did the right thing. More: AP

Note 17: This one made us a little weepy. Rob Reiner was nominated posthumously for an Emmy Award. More: People

Note 18: We’d like to thank the (foreign) reporter who asked the NATO chief if all that ass-kissing is hurting his self-respect. We wish American reporters were this gutsy and direct. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it’s not that happy but we just want to listen to this song on repeat all day. Y’all know the words. Join us! “FOREVER’S GONNA START TONIGHT!” More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that haunting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Our apologies to the Sexy Patriots who have no fucking idea who Goofus and Gallant were. Hopefully the context worked. Love y’all!

Turbulence

Trump spent the last two weeks showing off his bribe jet from Qatar that we all paid to spruce up. But he had to take a different plane home from Turkey because he didn’t actually put all the security on the plane that Air Force One needs. We’re actually fine with that, but the Secret Service was not. The White House press were wondering just how many specific threats they should be worried about, but Trump told them if he dies then they do too. That must have been comforting to hear.

More: The Guardian

Everything’s Bigger in Texas

While the national news media have focused on Graham Platner and ignored career criminal Ken Paxton, Democratic voters have not. Democratic candidate James Talarico put up an enormous $30 million second-quarter fundraising haul, which we believe is a record. We keep seeing clips that suggest lingering hard feelings from the primary, and we really hope our concerns are overblown. Because it will take everyone to stop Paxton. And surely we can all get on the same page about the importance of doing so. Thanks to everyone who chipped in!

More: Texas Tribune

SHOW HER THE MONEY!

Last night, the Second Circuit Court of Appeals denied Trump’s latest attempt to delay paying E. Jean Carroll what he owes her for sexually abusing and defaming her. We’re a little fuzzy on where we are or what happens next, but our understanding is the funds have been held in an escrow account and should be released to Carroll soon if not already. Trump will no doubt keep filing appeals, but surely the end of the road is in sight. We’d like to again thank E. Jean for her courage and persistence in seeking justice.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Actor Patrick Dempsey said Wednesday that he will not run for a Maine Senate seat, quashing speculation that the “Grey’s Anatomy” star and People magazine’s former Sexiest Man Alive was among those being considered to replace embattled Democratic nominee Graham Platner. More: AP

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — A member of a federal crime-fighting task force in Memphis shot and killed a person there on Wednesday, the second fatal shooting by a task force member in four days, and the fourth death involving the unit since it started in September. More: AP

Ukrainian drones hit more Russian oil facilities and set two oil tankers ablaze in the Sea of Azov on Thursday, a day after President Donald Trump pledged to grant Kyiv a license to manufacture the Patriot air defense systems to protect its cities. More: NBC News

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, if there’s one thing we hate to do it’s beat a dead horse. Because what the hell did that horse ever do to us? And why would anyone desecrate the corpse of a horse (looking at you, RFKJr.)? And where the fuck did this expression come from? Were people going around beating dead horses? Anyway, this note is about Jake Tapper. Anyone seen that fucking weasel around lately? Because we’ve got a story for him…

Japan, huh? This reminds us of when Bluto asked if it was over after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor. Except Bluto wasn’t president of the United States. We were bombed by Japan recently? Or is this dumb motherfucker so addled that he’s now confusing Iran and Japan? And honestly, that wasn’t even the worst part. Standing on the world stage, Trump made an absolute ass of himself. Again.

So yeah, where the effing fuck is Tapper and his book? Because he told us last year that the president’s health is the most important story in the world and that Biden’s age was a worse scandal than Watergate. He went on Megyn Kelly’s show to tell her that he had apologized to Lara Trump about it. So clearly Jake thinks this is big shit. Or is that just when it’s a Democrat who he’s not afraid of? We’re starting to think Jake is a fraud and a coward. Maybe he should just go eat shit and fuck himself. Or maybe someone needs to crawl up Trump’s ass and drag Jake out.

If there are any journalists with any courage out there, now would be a good time to use it. Or just keep taking abuse and then acting tough on twitter. At this point, the dead horse would do better journalism. And kiss less ass. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We were gonna make the opening note another joke about Mitch McConnell being Weekend at Bernies, but man all the really good jokes were taken yesterday after a bunch of Republican bullshit artists claimed to have spoken with him. Sure you did. More: The Independent

Note three: Laura Loomer says that Mitch is braindead. Unfortunately, so is Laura. More: HuffPost

Note four: LOL. Kayleigh Kiss-ass said that it’s ok that the U.S. men’s team lost because they were patriotic and prayed unlike Megan Rapinoe. LOL. Megan will just have to live with all those trophies. More: HuffPost

Note five: Riley Gaines is a lot of things but mostly she’s a fucking idiot. Lia Thomas would never.

Note six: This story about Nolan Wells is fucked up and we’re all gonna need some answers. More: Mississippi Free Press

Note seven: A judge said Trump can’t go after Georgia election workers. It’s pretty goddamn insane that he’s even trying. He should ask his friend Rudy how that turns out. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump has been back on his Greenland bullshit at this NATO summit. We keep waiting for just one reporter to ask him why he keeps threatening and insulting our allies. More: AP

Note nine: The View is at war with the FCC. Normally we’d be all over this and fighting for The View, but we are still super pissed that Joy Behar kissed JD Vance’s ass and we’ll probably never get over it. More: AP

Note 10: Is the mainstream media ever gonna talk about this sick fuck or do they just focus on the morality of Democratic candidates?

Note 11: Speaking of Paxton, guess who’s been committing voter fraud? LOCK HIM UP! More: Texas Tribune

Note 12: Tiffany Haddish said there were more people at her bat mitzvah than at Trump’s state fair. She is so goddamn funny. We might have to rewatch Girls’ Trip tonight. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The Belgium Prime Minister trolled Trump to his face over that embarrassing red card shit. We’re guessing Trump was too dumb to get it. More: HuffPost

Note 14: It sure seems like it should be a bigger story that Trump is making healthcare more expensive. Guess everyone is just waiting two weeks for his healthcare plan. More: AP

Note 15: SERIOUSLY JUST LOOK AT THIS DERANGED SHIT WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MEDIA?!!!!

Note 16: The New York Times did a piece on the most stylish people of 2026 and they included RFK Jr. working out in jeans. Maybe our media likes Trump because they’re just as batshit fucking loony as he is.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 17: This poll is wild. The AP polled Jewish Americans and found that Mamdani is 44 percent favorable and 39 percent unfavorable. Bibi comes in at 32/59. Sure seems like the MSM has this backwards. More: Forward.com

Note 18: The Michigan Senate candidates had a big debate last night. Obviously we’re staying out of this but we’re curious who y’all like. Let us know! More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Hungary. Just look at this and drink it in. Maybe someday we can do the same to Fox News…

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re Jake Tapper. We hope he’s having a shitty week. Because fuck him. Love y’all!

Back to war again… again

The ceasefire is over. If it was ever really on. But Trump made it official that the U.S. is back to war with Iran after we fired a bunch of missiles at the country last night. Oil prices jumped 6 percent. And the guy who keeps doing this idiotic Groundhog Day seems to think we’re at war with Japan. So yeah, this is all going great.

More: HuffPost

PAY HER

Trump is supposed to be paying E. Jean Carroll today for defaming her after he sexually abused her. But he’s of course trying to get out of it by claiming he’s waiting on the Supreme Court to rule on a new filing. Except the Supreme Court already said they are staying out of this. So when does a White House reporter find the guts to ask Trump why he’s defying a court order and why he keeps torturing a woman he assaulted?

More: The Hill

Go Away, Graham

More ugly stories about Graham Platner dropped yesterday, but he is so far still refusing to get out of the race. Maine Democrats have only six days left to pick a replacement, but they need Platner to get out of the race first. Not only is he refusing, but he’s telling the Maine Democratic Party that he should get to help pick the successor. Fuck that. We like to think we’ve been pretty patient with this asshole because we know that a lot of you liked him. But we’re done. If this is really about helping working people, then Platner will put them first and drop out. Today.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

Former Wisconsin Judge Hannah Dugan, who was convicted of felony obstruction for helping an immigrant evade federal officers in a case that highlighted President Donald Trump’s sweeping immigration crackdown, is scheduled to be sentenced Wednesday in federal court. More: NBC News

The Senate Intelligence Committee scheduled a new confirmation hearing Tuesday for Jay Clayton’s nomination to be director of national intelligence after President Donald Trump upended the initial date. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The International Monetary Fund on Wednesday modestly downgraded its outlook for the world economy this year, citing the energy shock caused by the Iran war. But the fallout from the conflict is being partially offset by booming investment in artificial intelligence and other technologies. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — After decades of reliable bipartisan backing for Israel, a new AP-NORC poll reveals a dramatic erosion of support for the longtime U.S. ally, with rising opposition from Democrats and signs of division among Republicans. More: AP

MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. (AP) — Two staff members of the U.S. soccer team were suspended by FIFA from Monday’s round of 16 game against Belgium.

FIFA did not explain why it imposed the discipline on team manager Sam Zapatka and U.S. Soccer Federation vice president of security Frank Pannell. More: AP

Rep. Mike Flood (R-Neb.) was greeted with a chorus of boos during a town hall event on Tuesday after defending President Donald Trump’s “One Big Beautiful Bill Act” More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s like the old saying goes — deal with a shithead, get a shitshow. What? Don’t worry about where it came from. It’s Welsh or something. But that doesn’t make it any less true. We were all laughing and smiling, minding our own business and enjoying the best U.S. men’s World Cup run in years. And then Trump went and fucked it all up.

Oof. Well that sure is embarrassing. Yeah, after cankles butted in and embarrassed us on the world stage, the team went out and did the same, getting their asses thoroughly whooped by Belgium. We are damn disappointed, so we thought we’d put our feelings into words. With a letter to Donald J. Trump…

*Hey dumbfuck,*

*Great job on the World Cup. We’d tell you that you could fuck up a wet dream, but we’re guessing you already have. Why do you have to get your gross, corrupt stank all over everything? Can’t you ever just take a break from being the fucking worst? This shit was so much fun and then you got involved and it went straight to hell. We could have at least lost with honor and dignity, but nooooooo. Honor and dignity are like fucking deoderant to you. Goddamnit. We hate you. We truly fucking hate you. If hate was like grains of sand, we would be all the beaches and desserts in the world combined and then we would go find sand planets to add to it. That said, can we interest you in rooting for the Duke Blue Devils? We hear they’re big fans of yours.*

*Sincerely,*
*Go Fuck Yourself*

Don’t worry. We know the address. It sure is a bummer to have an evil magician turning good things into trash. If he pulled a rabbit out of his hat, it would eat your face off and shit on the floor. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We were planning to do some therapy today, but something big came up. HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY TO THE AMAZING AND SPEEDY CAMERON PARKHOMENKO!

Note three: A man who fought with us in Afghanistan died in ICE custody. Our advice to the rest of the world is to never trust or help us again because we will absolutely fuck you over. More: NBC News

Note four: Hey just a little reminder that the Strait of Hormuz is still a mess because Trump fucked it up and then got bored. More: CNN

Note five: The Hill got a little ahead of itself yesterday. Or they nailed it and the rest of us just don’t know it yet…

Note six: It is kind of hilarious how many people have reached out to Kentuckian Sam to ask if Mitch is dead or not. We’re not sure, but he has certainly looked dead for a while now. More: The Hill

Note seven: The pipe bomb guy doesn’t get to be included in Trump’s Jan. 6 pardons. We wonder who’s more disappointed — pipe bomb guy or Trump. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump fucked up Obamacare, so fewer Americans have healthcare now. That seems like a big story to us. More: AP

Note nine: Trump used his Truth Social account to attack a bunch of Muslim children yesterday. We suppose it’s a win that he didn’t destroy them and their school with missiles. More: People

Note 10: When Trump wasn’t tainting this World Cup, other racist fuckhead politicians were. Good on Kylian for pushing back…

Note 11: We knew the U.S. men’s team was gonna lose the second we saw Ted Cruz was involved. Cruz and Trump together represent a jinx that is unstoppable. More: HuffPost

Note 12: John Fetterman went on Fox News last night to take a victory lap over Platner. We sure hope Uncle Fester is enjoying his time on his high horse and in the Senate. We doubt either will last much longer.

NO LINK BECAUSE FUCK HIM

Note 13: You’re not gonna believe this but Tommy Tuberville is a piece of shit who lied about helping veterans. Ok fine so you will believe it. More: AOL

Note 14: There is new polling about U.S. support for Israel, and all we can say is that Bibi really, really fucked up. More: AP

Note 15: Not to beat an orange horse, but here’s Belgium doing the goddamn Trump dance after running up the score on us…

Note 16: Did y’all know that John Oliver has been acting on General Hospital? And apparently he’s doing a pretty good job. Good for him. More: IMDB

Note 17: Trump is once again asking the Supreme Court to bail him out on the E. Jean Caroll payout. Why doesn’t the White House press corps give a shit about this story? More: Seattle Times

Note 18: The Wisconsin Supreme Court told an election denier to fuck all the way off. Thank goodness we took that court back. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the Odyssey. Elon Musk and the rest of the racist scum have been furious that a Black woman was cast as Helen of Troy. But we dare any of those racist shitheads to take one look at this picture and tell us you wouldn’t launch a thousand ships for her…

Note 20: And on that breathtaking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week, but we know if you were that Trump would fuck it up because that’s what he does. What an asshole. Love y’all!

French Kiss

So this normally wouldn’t be big enough news to go in the news section, but we think it’s hilarious and we’re a little envious. In France, Marine Le Pen, the far right nutjob, is still a convicted criminal, but now she will be allowed to run for president. As long as she wears an ankle monitor. LOL. Why the hell didn’t we think of this? Is it because we don’t actually want to know where Trump goes? And why is every other country in the world better at accountability than us? Oh well. Fuck Le Pen.

More: NBC News

Turkey Trot

Fresh off embarrassing the U.S. at home, Trump flew to Turkey for the NATO summit so he can further embarrass us on the world stage. Already this morning we’ve seen his dumb ass talking about needing Greenland, not needing NATO and how much he loves Erdogan. The president is a stupid, stupid man. But hey, at least he’s out of the country. So breathe deep!

More: NBC News

The Maine Mess

This has been one of the ugliest stories we can remember. When we turned out back on Graham Platner after accusations of domestic violence, we were stunned by how many angry comments we got. The only thing we can figure is that our people are sick and tired of watching rules only apply to one party. We get that. But we have to remember that we are supposed to be better than the scum we’re up against. So when a dude has a nazi tattoo and goes online to make jokes about rape and race, we should never dismiss that. We want to thank Jenny Racicot for her bravery in coming forward. And we want to tell Graham Platner to get his ass out of this race before the July 13 deadline. Winning is important. But let’s not lose our souls in the process.

More: Politico, MS Now

Today’s clips

Belgian Defense Minister Theo Francken on Tuesday warned President Donald Trump to stop his attacks on Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, reminding the MAGA leader that he isn’t the boss in Europe, where Meloni is “the alpha.” More: HuffPost

An upstate New York resident sued U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement for sending federal officers to his house with a warning over an email he sent to the agency’s one-time head. More: HuffPost

Explosions rocked Damascus on Tuesday as France’s president met with his Syrian counterpart in a landmark visit, wounding at least 18 people, Syria’s Interior Ministry said. More: NBC News

LONDON (AP) — Reform UK leader Nigel Farage says he’ll quit as a lawmaker and seek re-election to clear his name over financial allegations. More: AP

Housekeeping note from Adam: I can’t even make it through my first cup of coffee without seeing another “reporter”—if you want to call him that—going after Sam because he’s mad Sam called out his false reporting. So…if you’re still on twitter, do me a favor and remind him that facts still matter.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be back with you after our nation’s birthday and our president’s efforts to fuck up our nation’s birthday. He really does suck, doesn’t he? He sucks so bad that it can be tempting to think nobody has ever sucked worse. But that would be very unfair to Sen. Mitch McConnell.

If you haven’t seen the latest news about Mitch, well, he hasn’t either. Dude is missing-in-action after being resuscitated by CPR. And a lot of people are wondering if he’s dead. And by wondering we mean they are hoping like hell…

Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up. You don’t often see a tortoise just wander off. They’re usually pretty easy to catch. So something is going on here. Luckily, Sam used to know the senator so we were able to set up an interview. Here now is an exclusive with Sen. Mitch McConnell…

Us: Hey, senator, how are ya? Are you alive?
Sen. Mitch McConnell:
Us: Hello? Ok well that’s rude. Can you at least tell us where you’ve been?
Mitch:
Us: Oh it’s like that? Ok well fuck you too!
Mitch:
Us: WAIT A MINUTE! YOU’RE NOT MITCH MCCONNELL! YOU’RE JUST A STACK OF WET DIAPERS WRAPPED IN A CONFEDERATE FLAG! WHERE’S MITCH?!

You can see how we’d be fooled. Unfortunately, the search goes on. Let’s put Kash Patel on it. Y’all have a blessed day. Except Mitch. Because fuck that guy.

Note two: We’re a little late on this one because of the holiday, but it’s a new month and that means more elections. As always, our friends at Bolts Mag have us covered. More: Bolts Mag

Note three: The Atlantic republished couchfuck’s essay about why Trump sucks. How embarrassing. More: The Guardian

Note four: Trump did more racism about the Obamas this weekend. If only White House reporters were allowed to ask about this bigoted obsession. Or if only they weren’t a bunch of chickenshits. More: HuffPost

Note five: Hey so we screwed up big time. In all of our celebrating about Trump’s name coming off the Kennedy Center, we failed to celebrate the woman who made it happen. Today we rectify that situation and say THANK YOU to Rep. Joyce Beatty…

Note six: Back on White House reporters for a minute — did you notice that not a single one of them asked about SCOTUS refusing to take up the E. Jean Carroll case? So the streak of not asking Trump about the woman he raped continues.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note seven: Speaking of E. Jean, Trump lost yet again in court and he needs to pay her this week. Pony up, scumbag. More: USA Today

Note eight: Nazis marched on Washington this weekend for America’s 250th birthday. The Trump administration was totally cool with it. Let’s all pretend to be shocked. More: HuffPost

Note nine: The National Guard killed an armed civilian in Memphis. What Elon and the federal government are doing to that city is pure fucking evil. And the mainstream media don’t give a shit. More: WREG

Note 10: You won’t believe this, but Trump and his scum trashed D.C. Again.

Note 11: The White House is attacking the Smithsonian. We really fucking hate it here. More: NBC News

Note 12: Congrats to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce on their wedding. We saw a lot of folks upset about this thing, but we love love and we’ve got enough dumb shit to worry about. More: NBC News

Note 13: The Sun Also Rises is turning 100. We know there is a lot of misogynistic bullshit in Hemmingway’s works. But damn if we don’t still love those books. More: AP

Note 14: ICE is still out there doing cruel and horrible shit. They’ve just learned to be quiet about it. More: AP

Note 15: This is for our fellow Spaceballs fans… More: Instagram

Note 16: While you were celebrating the Fourth, Trump spent an hour-and-a-half on the phone with Putin. Guess it was time for new marching orders. More: CNN

Note 17: We do have some good news for you. Trump is leaving America. He’s only going to the NATO summit, but it will still be a nice break. More: HuffPost

Note 18: The Trump administration has decided to go with the same pool folks that they hired last time. Doesn’t seem smart to us but what do we know? More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to New York City. On Friday, Mayor Mamdani gave a speech for America’s 250th that was worthy of the occasion. If you missed it, here’s a clip…

Note 20: And on that perfect note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing holiday weekend. Or at least better than Mitch McConnell’s. Love y’all!

Making Corruption Great Again

We know that Trump made $2.2 billion last year while asking us all to sacrifice for his tariffs. But it actually somehow gets scummier than that. Now we know that Trump made more than 300 stock purchases on April 8, 2025, which was one day before his idiotic Liberation Day. So just as everyone suspected, Trump was doing insider trading while setting international trade policy. This kinda thing used to be considered a scandal.

More: NBC News

Messy Michigan

We sure are doing some contentious primaries these days. And Michigan is up next. Over the weekend, state Sen. Mallory McMorrow dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate, setting up a battle between Abdul El-Sayed and Rep. Haley Stevens. It’s really obvious that Washington Democrats are worried about El-Sayed’s chances in a general election. As always, we stay out of primaries. We just hope everyone knows what they’re doing.

More: The Guardian

Foul

Well, we knew Trump would ruin the World Cup. We just didn’t know how. Until now. During last week’s game, our star scorer Fol Balogun was given a questionable red card. That meant that he would have to miss today’s game against Belgium. So Trump and his cronies got on the phone with FIFA and the suspension was suspended. If this seems shady, that’s because it is. This morning, Trump and Ted Cruz were even bragging about the interference. Belgium and the rest of the soccer world are furious. And if we win tonight, it will come with a great big asterisk. We didn’t like the original call, but sometimes that happens in sports. Only a loser has someone call the refs to get it changed.

More: AP, CNBC

Today’s clips

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) — Mourners dressed in black flooded into Iran’s capital Monday for a procession as part of the funeral of the late Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, with throngs of people calling for the death of U.S. President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

Microsoft is cutting about 2.1% of its workforce, or roughly 4,800 jobs, the latest in a wave of tech layoffs as the Windows maker spends heavily on AI infrastructure and ​uses the technology to improve efficiency across its business. More: NBC News

Paul Pelosi, Rep. Nancy Pelosi’s husband, could face hit-and-run charges in Northern California wine country following an incident Friday, the Napa County Sheriff’s Office said. More: NBC News

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russia unleashed waves of missiles and drones at Ukraine early Monday, killing at least 21 people in attacks that exposed widening gaps in the country’s air defenses more than four years into Moscow’s full-scale invasion, authorities said. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump on Monday rang the opening bells for the New York Stock Exchange and the Nasdaq from the golden confines of the Oval Office, a symbolic act that reflects how he has increasingly tied his presidency to the stock market. More: AP

Beatles legend Paul McCartney performed “I Want To Hold Your Hand” at Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s wedding Friday at Madison Square Garden, 62 years after it was last performed. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexiest of Patriots! How the heck are ya? Yeah, us too. It’s been a rough week, and we’re all struggling with how to celebrate (or just endure) this weekend’s big birthday. But we suppose things could be worse. We could be having imaginary conversations with AI Teddy Roosevelt like this dumb sonofabitch…

Oh dear. Looks like Grandpa Cankles really thought he was talking to a ghost. Or maybe he thinks Teddy Roosevelt is still alive. Or maybe he’s just a fucking idiot. Since the mainstream media won’t get to the bottom of this, we figured we would. So here’s an interview with Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost…

Us: Hello, Mr. President!
TR: Hey boys! Love the newsletter! And you can call me Teddy.
Us: Wow. We’re honored. So did you see Trump talking to your hologram?
TR: I once had a horse that had constant diarrhea. That diarrhea was smarter than Donald Trump. Smelled better too.
Us: That’s a sick burn, sir. Republicans say that Trump reminds them of you. What do you say to that?
TR: Ever seen that waddling motherfucker ride a horse? Fight a war? Break up corrupt corporate trusts? Not fuck something up?
Us: No, sir.
TR: And did you ever see me paint myself orange, attack the U.S. Capitol and talk about fucking my own daughter?
Us: No, sir.
TR: Ok then. Enough stupid questions.

That went exactly how we expected it to. Let’s see the ass-kissing scum over at Politico Playbook get a scoop like that. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: So we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we are going to take tomorrow off. We will definitely send y’all a Fourth of July note, but we’re gonna relax tomorrow. The good news is that we’re gonna have another therapy session today to make up for it. We’ll see you at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT.

Note three: We feel like we’ve really failed you. Some Trumper got busted polishing his Washington Monument at the Great Embarrassing Fair, and we’ve barely made fun of it at all. Though to be fair, all the good jokes are already taken. And besides, you gotta hand it to him. More: Yahoo News

Note four: HUGE congratulations to the U.S. men’s soccer team on their big win last night. We’re still pissed off about that red card, but this sure is exciting. Thank you again to the women’s team for showing us the way! More: ESPN

Note five: Normally we’d be against this asshole giving a long speech on the Fourth of July. But if he wants to have a goddamn heat stroke, then we’re sure not gonna stop him.

Note six: Trump said he’s going to have a threesome with his sons. So now that piece of shit has ruined threesomes too. Also, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DUDE?! More: HuffPost

Note seven: Well done to The Onion on its re-launch of InfoWars. Their first move? They gave $100,000 to the Sandy Hook families. See? Good people can still win. More: NBC News

Note eight: We weren’t invited to Taylor and Travis’s wedding, but we suppose we are still happy for them. More: AP

Note nine: The New York Times is reporting that even Saudi Arabia is sick of Trump’s bullshit. Hear that? The bonesaw killer guy thinks Trump is too deranged. More: New York Times

Note 10: We got some really exciting polling from Fox News yesterday…

Note 11: And that ain’t all! In Iowa, Democrat Josh Turek is leading Ashley Hinson 50-46 for the U.S. Senate seat that Joni Ernst is giving up. And Democrat Rob Sand is leading Republican Zach Lahn 53-44 in the governor’s race. Are we about to flip Iowa? More: Fox News

Note 12: Jared Polis is either the world’s biggest fucking idiot or he’s lost his mind. Not only did he free election denier Tina Peters so she could go spread her lies from the Oval Office, but now he’s fired the members of the clemency board who spoke out about what a stupid thing he was doing. So when is this asshole switching parties? Because he’s done in ours. More: CNN

Note 13: Here’s the most charmless man in the world lying to our troops like he lies to a sales associate at Living Spaces after the display couches are ruined…

Note 14: We’d like to send love and respect to Active Duty Air Force Maj. Jason Watson, who yesterday was arrested on the Capitol steps after calling for the impeachment and removal of the commander-in-chief. This is a ballsy move, and we are grateful. More: Yahoo News

Note 15: Looks like Mitch McConnell will die soon. Or he died already and nobody noticed. Oh well. Whatever. More: NBC News

Note 16: A bunch of conservative Bishops tried to fuck with Pope Leo. They forgot he’s from Chicago. More: AP

Note 17: Try to imagine the coverage if Joe Biden had ever said anything this idiotic…

Note 18: Even the Wall Street Journal thinks it’s gross that “the Trump clan is cashing in on the Presidency in big and sketchy ways.” And those assholes are usually pro-cashing in with big and sketchy ways. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to the soccer pitch. The first player to score for the U.S. last night was our badass striker Folarin Balogun, a birthright U.S. citizen. Not only would we like to thank Fol for his goals this tournament, but we’d also like to thank every single person who pointed out that Trump’s stupid bigoted ass would have had Balogun playing for someone else. Go USA! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that winning note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing holiday weekend and don’t get shamed and cussed out by a dead former president. Love y’all!

Donald Hoover

If you’re like us, you’ve been wondering how the hell the economy kept creating jobs while Trump fucked everything up. Well, it seems like his luck — and ours — is about to run out. Last month, the economy added only 57,000 jobs, coming in well below expectations. We also saw pretty significant downward revisions from the last two months. We had assumed that Trump was starting to cook these reports, but today’s numbers suggest we are still getting the truth. At least on this.

More: NBC News

Don’t Breathe

Donald Trump is planning to celebrate America’s 250th birthday by destroying the air in Washington. First he’s going to ruin it with a long speech that nobody asked for, and then he’s going to blow up the city and make it impossible for people to breathe. Not only is dumbfuck’s fireworks show starting at 11 p.m., but National Park Service documents obtained by the Washington Post reveal that Trump’s plan to launch more than 800,000 fireworks will cause hazardous levels of pollution and create “very unhealthy” conditions in D.C. In a way, this isn’t news. Trump has been choking that poor city for years. But this is still so fucking dumb we can’t stand it.

More: The Independent, Washington Post

Today’s clips

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is throwing her support behind former Wayne County health director Abdul El-Sayed in the hotly contested Michigan Democratic Senate primary. More: NBC News

SAN FRANCISCO — Martial arts icon Bruce Lee, who was born in San Francisco, will become the first Chinese American in California history with an annual namesake day. More: NBC News

CATIA LA MAR, Venezuela (AP) — Rescuers pulled a 43-year-old security guard alive from a collapsed basement early Thursday, ending a grueling days-long operation that became a symbol of hope after the devastation of twin earthquakes that struck Venezuela eight days earlier. More: AP

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — A rush rescue mission to save a NASA space telescope remains grounded, this time because of a last-minute launch problem. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — A daredevil couple scaled the Empire State Building’s antenna Wednesday and unfurled a banner about “the power of love” and peace, apparently as part of an audacious, high-altitude marriage proposal — soon followed by their arrest. More: AP

Comedian Kathy Griffin called out Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday for bringing on his show MAGA-friendly UFC fighter Conor McGregor, who in 2024 was found civilly liable for sexual assault in Ireland. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, things sure are bleak as we limp into our nation’s 250th birthday. The bribe-taker-in-chief is off on a joy ride on his new bribe plane, the Strait of Hormuz is barely open and the guy who fucks couches keeps trying to explain Catholicism to the Pope. It’s a real goddamn mess. That’s why today we’re starting with some good news. And that good news is that there are heroes among us. They sell pickles.

That’s how you do it, pickle people! Only a handful of states agreed to go to Trump’s embarrassing fair. North Carolina was one of those states and one of their dirtbag idiots showed up with a Confederate flag. Because of course that’s how a moron celebrates the birth of a country they tried to secede from. But the pickle folks were having none of it. They said no siree bob, we are good pickle people and not racist pickle people and we will not peddle our pickles where some prejudiced peckerheads persist. And so they packed up their pickles and peeled out.

We wish all Americans would channel the spirit of the pickle people. It is, after all, the spirit that has made this country great-ish. But it’s also a reminder that while there are lots and lots of horrible anus-mouthed shitheads ruining everything, there are also courageous, righteous and wonderful Americans who are taking a stand. Thank you, pickle people. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had some much-needed therapy yesterday where we discussed what Adam did to piss off some bees. If you missed it, you can get caught up here.

Note three: The lead singer of the Village People died. We don’t really give a shit, but Trump is gonna be devastated. Unless he killed the guy, which is always a possibility with him. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump and his party are going to have a convention for the midterms in September. We think this is a great idea, and every single vulnerable Republican should absolutely fly to Texas and get on stage with the fucking asshole with a 33 percent approval rating. That’ll sure show us. More: NBC News

Note five: We were gonna make calling out this out-of-touch piece of shit our opening note, but we figured y’all didn’t deserve to start a newsletter that angry. Can we just run this as an ad? And can this guy shove a lobster tail up his corrupt ass?

Note six: We’d like to take a second to send a message to all the trans kids out there — we’re sorry cruel adults are using your existence as political ammunition. You don’t deserve this. Nobody does. We love you, we see you and we’ve got your backs. More: The Guardian

Note seven: This sucks. Actor Danny Glover has Alzheimer’s. Not only is Glover a brilliant actor and the star of some of our favorites, but he’s long been a champion of human rights. We’re sending love. Mel Gibson, on the other hand, can eat shit. More: NBC News

Note eight: The only jobs available in Trump’s America are gonna be for genital and pregnancy inspectors. And Stephen Miller’s creepy ass is gonna sign up for both. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump is off on his bribe plane today. For some reason, this is being treated as normal. IT IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL. More: AP

Note 10: Big congrats to our neighbors to the South on their big World Cup win last night. We freaking love this picture…

Note 11: Trump and Pete Hegseth murdered more than a hundred little kids, and they are lying to the American people about it. We are grateful to the handful of journalists who refuse to let this go. More: AP

Note 12: The pickle people are good. But the egg people suck. In fact, they suck eggs. More: AP

Note 13: NPR had a rough day yesterday. They reported that Alito is retiring. Then they retracted it. We’re guessing he still leaves, and we will never have to retract our report that he is a fucking asshole. More: NPR

Note 14: Mike Little Johnson sent Congress home again. Shouldn’t these able-bodied adults be at work? More: Politico

Note 15: We can’t believe this guy is who Joy Behar wants to run for president.

Note 16: The Maine Senate race is gonna be a rock fight, but Susan Collins is leading, according to Fox. (Note within a note: Fox sucks but their polling unit is pretty good which is why Trump hates them.) And if you’re that person who emails to tell us to stay out of Maine politics, we will happily do so just as soon as they stop sending us texts asking for money. More: Fox News

Note 17: The University of Tennessee fired a professor for saying true things about Charlie Kirk. Now they’re gonna pay her $1.9 million. And they desperately need that money for their football program. More: Knox News

Note 18: Paula Reid is leaving CNN because she doesn’t want to work for right-wing trash. Meanwhile, Tapper flew out to L.A. to kiss their asses. More: Deadline

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re staying in L.A. Over the weekend, an American icon turned 100, and we just wanted to say a belated Happy Birthday!

Note 20: And on that joyous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And if you’re in need of some pickles, we know just the place. Love y’all!

No One is Safe

The Democratic base has had enough, and literally no incumbent is safe. Last night in Colorado, 30-year Congresswoman Diana DeGette lost to 30-year-old Democratic Socialist Melat Kiros. And that wasn’t all. United States Sen. Michael Benet (who you might remember introduced his good buddy Neil Gorsuch at his confirmation hearings) lost the gubernatorial primary to state AG Phil Weiser. We have frankly never seen so much anger in our party directed at establishment Democrats. But we don’t think anyone can or should say they didn’t see it coming. For us, this isn’t so much about ideology as it is a willingness to fight. And right now, the fighters are winning. We want to thank Rep. DeGette for her years of service.

More: NBC News

We’re Gonna Need a Bigger SCOTUS

So yesterday the Supreme Court reminded us all what a disaster it is. Not only did they fuck over trans kids and greenlight more money in politics, but they also narrowly avoided directly overturning the U.S. Constitution and give Trump the ability to deport millions of American citizens. The birthright citizenship vote should have been 9-0. It was 5-4. And it came a day after Clarence Thomas was seen on Capitol Hill schmoozing with Mike Little Johnson. This is all so corrupt and so fucked up. So when we see Democrats like Schumer and Jacky Rosen praising the court for doing the bare fucking minimum, we blow our stacks. If you are a Democrat who wants to win an election, you better have a goddamn plan to reform this court. Otherwise, don’t bother.

More: USA Today, MS Now

Corruption

Donald Trump is the most corrupt president in American history. And honestly, that’s not really debatable. Trump filed his financial disclosure form yesterday and he had a very good year while he was telling the rest of us we needed to sacrifice for his tariffs and wars. Trump made $1.4 billion on crypto last year, all while setting crypto policy and inviting investors to the White House. He also listed $80 million settlements from cowardly companies like ABC. But he said he was going to give it to charity, so that’s fine. Trump was asked about his profiting this morning, while his sons and his bribe plane were behind him, and he said it’s no big deal because everyone is profiting. If America is ok with this level of corruption, then it’s already over.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — Rep. Tom Kean, R-N.J., made his return to the Capitol on Tuesday, saying he was treated for depression during a nearly four-month disappearance from the public eye. More: NBC News

The lines are growing at Russian gas stations -- and so is the frustration and uncertainty as several months of Ukrainian attacks have set oil refineries ablaze and choked supplies for motorists across the vast country. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A polarizing Harvard astronomer known for splashy theories about alien visits has been tapped by the White House to lead a team of outside scientists to study the national security risks posed by UFOs. More: AP

DETROIT (AP) — Nature’s oven was on high Tuesday for millions of people in the Midwest and Great Lakes states as intense heat and humidity baked the regions with no immediate relief before the misery shifts to the eastern U.S. More: AP

DETROIT (AP) — The Motown Museum in Detroit has been resonating with a different signature sound — the rumble of trucks, the buzz of drills and the pounding of metal — as one of the most significant sites in American musical history undergoes a $75 million donor-driven face-lift ahead of its 2027 grand reopening. More: AP

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — The U.S. men’s national team’s ambitions of a deep run at the FIFA World Cup hang on something they have not accomplished since 2021: Beat a team from Europe. More: NPR

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today we’re gonna blow your sexy fucking minds. We’re gonna do something so grotesque and outlandish that you’ll forget all about that newsletter we did about Mike Lee being born with a rat scrotum on his forehead. And if you’ve already healed from that one, we apologize for reopening the rat-balls wound. We will also go ahead and apologizing for what we’re doing today. Because it’s pretty fucked up. You ready? Ok. Here goes…

THANK YOU, DONALD TRUMP!

*Whoa, Adam and Sam, you are both so freaking hot but have you lost your gorgeous goddamn minds?!* Well thank you, but no, we promise we’re ok. And we still hate that festering pile of shit with every ounce of our being. But it can be hard coming up with funny shit to write to start this newsletter each day and this week the president of the United States has done us the kindness of putting on the dumbest, idiotic, most unintentionally hilarious national fair imaginable and it’s really doing the heavy lifting for us. Just look at this shit…

LOLOL!!! Happy birthday, America! Here’s some fake cowboy spewing pancakes all over the National Mall! Don’t get any on ya! You have to admit it’s pretty fucking funny. And infuriating. And embarrassing as all hell. Still, we admire Trump’s consistency for fucking up easy things and giving us shit to make fun of him about. It’s the silver lining of the shit sandwich. Thanks, Mr. President. And thank you, puking fake cowboy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some Tuesday therapy? Hell yeah! We need it too. Let’s try 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT. If we’re running a little late, just hang out.

Note three: Here’s another Trump Senate candidate who gave a free pass to a pedophile. What would it take for the mainstream media to see and report on this rather obvious and horrifying pattern? More: HuffPost

Note four: It’s Tuesday, so people are voting. The big ones are in Colorado. If you live there, you should vote, but please don’t vote for any assholes. More: NBC News

Note five: Here’s the best newspaper cover you’ll see today…

Note six: Trump posted a picture of a golden nazi eagle adorning the White House and said it was a gift. We didn’t think we would ever see anything tackier. Then we learned it was AI, and well, that’s just perfect. More: People

Note seven: The Obamas are making everyone horny. The Trumps are making everyone’s genitals dry up and fall off. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Tied in Texas! A new poll from the New York Times shows Ken Paxton and James Talarico tied at 47. Boy, conservative Christians sure are full of shit, ain’t they? More: New York Times

Note nine: Ukraine bombed Moscow again last night. LOL. Eat shit, Putin/Trump. More: NBC News

Note 10: Fox and the U.S. Attorney are very committed to Trump’s lies about the Reflecting Pool. These are the same fuckwads who lost to sandwich guy, btw.

Note 11: Are y’all as hooked on the World Cup as we are? Two penalty shootouts yesterday! We love the drama! More: NBC News

Note 12: Rep. Tom Kean has been missing for months. Today he’s coming back and telling everyone where he’s been. Our money is on either a sex cult or he disappeared all the way up Trump’s ass. More: AP

Note 13: One hundred Venezuelans who were deported by Trump are now missing or dead in the Venezuela earthquake aftermath. He sure does love killing poor innocent people. More: PBS

Note 14: Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, whose grandfather was an actual nazi soldier, brought an ethics complaint against Ruben Gallego. It was dismissed yesterday. So Luna and her dead nazi grandpa can go fuck herself. More: The Hill

Note 15: We’re sorry to beat a dead horse, but we just can’t stop laughing at this shit. And a dead horse would draw a bigger crowd!

Note 16: There is some serious heat coming for much of the country, so y’all please be safe. More: NBC News

Note 17: Kids are still dying in Gaza. Is this nightmare ever gonna stop? More: NBC News

Note 18: The Old Dominion is about to get a lot cooler. Virginia has figured out how to greenlight recreational weed sales. It’s about damn time. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here’s more Fox fair coverage. We’re sorry. We just think it’s fucking hilarious, and we know it would be a huge scandal if Obama or Biden had fucked up our nation’s 250th like this.

Note 20: And on that redundant but satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. If you’re looking to get away from it all and spend some time alone, we suggest the national fair. You won’t see another person for days. Love y’all!

Scary SCOTUS

We had to write early today because of a scheduling issue, so we are publishing before we know just how fucked up our broken, corrupt and racist Supreme Court really is. Yesterday we saw gross decisions around Trump’s ability to fire anyone he wants. Today, is the big one about birthright citizenship. There are also some huge decisions about trans kids playing sports and campaign spending. We expect the court to be awful to trans kids and democracy, but they might actually let the 14th Amendment hang on. Brace yourselves.

More: AP

Hellbound

We already knew the scum at ICE are going to hell, but man they sure guaranteed it by arresting a nun. Sister Leticia Ugboaja was released from ICE custody yesterday. She was detained while wearing her habit and walking to mass. The chickenshit scum at ICE and DHS are refusing to comment on what they did. So we’ll comment for them — WHAT KIND OF PIG-FUCKING SCUMBAG ARRESTS A NUN?! Abolish ICE. It’s the only way.

More: NBC News

Yawn

Every single fucking day, the president of the United States makes clear he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Americans. Whether it’s him confessing he doesn’t worry about our financial situations or him fucking up our birthdays, Trump has made it obvious he is in this for himself. He did it again yesterday as he once again refused to sign a bipartisan housing bill, calling it a “yawn” and telling reporters he’s much more interested in his election cheating bill. It would be a massive gaffe if a Democrat did this, and CNN would be apoplectic. But it’s Trump so it gets ho-hum coverage when he admits he doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — The District of Columbia has agreed to pay $50,000 to settle a lawsuit filed by a resident who accused police officers of illegally detaining him for following an Ohio National Guard patrol while playing Darth Vader’s theme song from “Star Wars” on his cellphone, according to a document released Monday. More: NBC News

The Colorado Supreme Court on Monday rejected three proposed ballot measures supported by Democrats that were designed to pave the way for a new congressional map ahead of the 2028 election. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court refused to hear famed law professor and attorney Alan Dershowitz’s defamation claim against CNN on Monday, effectively upholding long-standing protections for the news media when reporting on public figures. More: NBC News

FRANKFORT, Ky. (AP) — Four people have died due to flooding from thunderstorms in Kentucky, Gov. Andy Beshear said Saturday, and he declared a state of emergency with additional rainfall expected. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Pride Month celebrations peaked Sunday with big parades in New York, San Francisco and some other cities on the anniversary of the 1969 Stonewall uprising, which accelerated and transformed the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. More: AP

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you today. Did you have a great weekend? Did you go to Trump’s big dumb fair? Of course you didn’t! Because nobody did!

LOLOL! Wow that’s pathetic! We’ve seen more people at a lepers’ orgy! We spent part of our weekends monitoring the crowds for this thing, but that didn’t take very long because nobody showed up. Because Trump fucked up America’s birthday just like he fucks up everything else. Try to imagine how the press would have covered it if Obama or Biden had turned America’s 250th into a joke that even Milli Vanilli wanted no part of.

But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe there was a big crowd and we just didn’t see it. So here’s an interview with all the people at the fair…

Us: Hello?
Fair-goers:
Us: Is anyone here?
Fair-goers:
Us: Wait! There’s someone!
Fair-goer: Hey dudes. Sorry I didn’t hear you. My ears are packed with bullshit and Trump’s tiny weiner. Isn’t this fair awesome? Vanilla Ice asked me for a dollar!
Us: Ok, well nice to meet you, Dean Cain.

So it wasn’t completely empty. But it was pretty fucking close, and that’s a big damn embarrassment for Trump and America. Why isn’t it being covered that way? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s a Supreme Court opinion day, so brace your sexy selves. More: AP

Note three: The potential 2028 Democrats are getting the feature treatment. Here’s how Andy Beshear is looking these days. It’s a good piece about a good dude. More: New York Times

Note four: Putin admitted that Russia is having fuel shortages because Ukraine keeps drinking his milkshake. It reminds us of the old proverb — don’t start none; won’t be none. More: NBC News

Note five: We can’t stop laughing at this fucking fair. Especially as Trump lies and lies and lies about it…

Note six: The New York Times has some new polling out of Maine. The topline is Platner leading Collins 49-47, but they are both underwater in terms of favorability. Gonna be a rock fight. More: The Hill

Note seven: Some miserable piece of shit went after Pete Buttigieg and his family. We hope whoever did this rots in hell. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump spent his Sunday ranting about “criminally-made algae” and the public golf courses he’s stealing from the people of D.C. Guess that’s another weekend where Baron has to throw a ball to himself. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Our planet is sick and getting worse, so the weather is getting scary as a motherfucker. Y’all be safe out there. More: NBC News

Note 10: Wow. Ron DeSantis is really, really fucking racist. We’re shocked his bitch ass didn’t do this in blackface…

Note 11: We hate talking about Bill Maher because he’s a fucking nobody. But this weekend he kissed the couchfucker’s ass and said he was open to voting for JD or Rubio. Anyone who still thinks this dude is anything other than a MAGA asshole is lying to themselves. More: USA Today

Note 12: Btw, Maher was given the Mark Twain prize, which used to go to real comedians like Richard Pryor and Steve Martin. And the only people who showed up were Republicans, Stephen A. Smith and John Fetterman. But we’re being redundant. More: The Hill

Note 13: Well this is the wildest thing we saw all weekend. Thomas Massie turned the tables on a Fox News reporter, chasing him down with some homophobic taunting…

Note 14: Big congrats to former Speaker Nancy Pelosi on her Institute for Democracy that is launching at UC Berkeley. What a cool and well-deserved honor. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Not only are Republicans not helping Americans with student loans, they are going out of their way to make them more painful. It’s wild how it’s illegal to help these folks but it’s just fine to fuck them over. Cool country. More: NBC News

Note 16: Our idiot president showed off the new passports this weekend. He also revealed he doesn’t know how passports work because he’s a goddamn idiot. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Fox News is on an apology tour over Kevin O’Leary’s lies. We hope they are getting sued to hell and back. Again.

Note 18: Phew. While we were writing, our corrupt and broken SCOTUS upheld grace periods for counting mail-in votes. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hungary. That beautiful country and those beautiful people have already showed us there’s a way out of fascism. Now they’re showing us what it looks like when you come out the other side and still have hearts full of love. We will never forget the way these people showed up last year despite Orban threatening them. Now they’re partying and he’s out on his ass. Looking good, Hungary!

Note 20: And on that proud note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had the best weekend. And if you did, we assume it’s because you didn’t go to that lame fair. Love y’all!

More War!

You’ll never believe this, but Trump’s ceasefire with Iran didn’t do so great over the weekend as missiles started flying again. But the markets are open today, so Trump told everyone that the ceasefire is back on and the two sides will meet in Doha this week to negotiate some more. What’s wild is that there are people out there who believe he’s going to figure this mess out. What’s even wilder is that they all seem to work on Wall Street.

More: NBC News

The Protection Program

Today’s headline comes from a jaw-dropping admission from Speaker of the House Mike “Little” Johnson. Watch this video, ponder what a scandal it would have been if Nancy Pelosi had said this and then share it with everyone. In the past, this kind of thing would have been a massive scandal and shown non-stop to Americans. But the media is fucking cooked these days so it’s on all of us.

More: bsky.app

President Rapist

Our Supreme Court is racist, corrupt and broken. But even they won’t bail out Trump for being a rapist. This morning, SCOTUS officially denied Trump’s efforts to appeal the verdict he lost to Carroll in civil court, meaning it’s time for that gross piece of shit to pay up. It’s hard to put into words how grateful we are to E. Jean for taking this all the way, for refusing to be cowed by Trump’s threats and attacks. It’s a level of courage few have shown in the Trump years, and we hope she gets her money soon. We also hope the mainstream media start taking this seriously and asking the president of the United States real and hard questions about him being a rapist.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Sen. Chris Coons, D-Del., was taken to the hospital and treated for what his office called minor injuries after a multi-car crash Sunday. More: NBC News

A man with the same name and party affiliation as Alaska Republican U.S. Sen. Dan Sullivan is eligible to challenge the senator in the August primary, a judge ruled Friday. More: NBC News

Comcast is planning to split itself into two separate publicly traded companies by spinning off NBCUniversal and Sky. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court said Monday it will consider a Republican push to enforce strict Arizona voting laws passed in the swing state after the 2020 election. More: AP

Former President Joe Biden didn’t hold back from ripping “loser” President Donald Trump over his Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool and his other controversial Washington renovation projects while delivering remarks Saturday night at a gala hosted by the Maryland Democratic Party. More: HuffPost

PARIS (AP) — Every few minutes, the mortuary owner’s phone rings. Since a record-smashing heat wave started taking lives and storage space for bodies in Paris and beyond, the funeral directors and mourning families calling him mostly have the same question: Do you have room for one more? More: AP

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! You know that meme that goes around about how the worst person in the world just made a good point? Well what if that worst person in the world was actually the worst person in the universe? What if he was a white supremacist who masturbated to a dirty copy of Mein Kampf? What if he was such a piece of shit that even his own mother didn’t love him? What if he sucked so hard that he was too fucking toxic for Fox News? We’re talking of course about Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson. Nice name, dipshit.

Tucker has really been on one lately, telling his 17 listeners that he’s done with Trump and Israel. We tend to think he’s lying about everything, and that’s only when we come across something he’s said. And even then, we don’t give two shits. So why are we talking about his gross bitch ass? Well, because the worst person in the world just made a good point…

Ouch. For the first time in his miserable, spoiled rotten life, Tucker Carlson is right about something. God it sucks writing those words out, but we do love it when the jackals turn on each other. Even when they’re such heinous people that we wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire. And we can only hope that the bowtie boy will follow his own advice.

Y’all have a blessed day. Except Tucker. Because that dude still really, really sucks and he can kiss our asses.

Note two: Well we finally had a therapy session yesterday, and it was a lot of fun. If you missed it, you can catch up here…

Note three: Did y’all see the end of that fucking US men’s team game last night? What the hell? We don’t know how Trump caused it, but we’re sure he did. Asshole. More: ESPN

Note four: Speaking of the World Cup, the Canadian team is having to beg their supporters to come to the U.S. to cheer for them. Because we are kinda gross right now and people don’t want to come here. And this is apparently how we get respected around the world again. More: Reuters

Note five: We don’t spend enough time hating Sean Duffy. In a cabinet full of assholes, he might lowkey be the most assholeish. He’s literally standing on stage with his daughter who has Down’s when he says this. What a piece of shit.

Note six: Fox News had to apologize this morning because Kevin O’Leary is a lying scumbag who is gonna get sued to hell and back. We’d be fine if he just went back to Canada. But that seems like a shitty thing to do to Canada. More: The Salt Lake Tribune

Note seven: Ukraine is REALLY fucking up Russia, and we are loving every second of it. More: NBC News

Note eight: We keep hearing how antisemitic Democrats are, but then we see a Republican candidate saying one of our Jewish candidates would have been a guard at a nazi concentration camp. So yeah, we’re taking a lot of this criticism with a grain of salt. More: NBC News

Note nine: The earthquake story out of Venezuela is just awful. Especially when our dumbfuck president was still bragging about stealing their oil yesterday. More: NBC News

Note 10: You might think this is the worst and dumbest thing ol’ couchfuck said yesterday. But he also praised Diddy.

Note 11: Looks like the Knicks haven’t decided if they’re going to the White House or not. Despite what their slimy Trumpy owner says. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We never knew we could hate Frasier Crane this much. But fuck him. We’re Team Lilith. More: HuffPost

Note 13: While we’re on the celebrity beat, Nate Bargatze is apparently just gonna pretend like we don’t all hate him for going to Trump’s gross cage match. So fuck him too. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Megyn Kelly is a hateful monster. We would invite her to eat shit, but she looks like she does that for fun already.

Note 15: The MAHA idiots are shocked that their new political party wants their kids to get cancer. Guess they should go inject some livestock medication to get over it. More: NBC News

Note 16: Remember the FEMA official who transported to a Waffle House? Well, he’s out at FEMA. And no, we don’t know how he left the building. More: MS Now

Note 17: Hmmmm. Things are looking interesting in Ohio…

Note 18: How are things going in the Strait of Hormuz? Exactly as you’d expect. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Florida. No, really. The concentration camp that the thugs called “Alligator Alcatraz” is closing. There are a lot of people to thank for this, but we’d like to single out the hard work of the Miccosuckee Tribe. More: HuffPost, ELPAIS

Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And please don’t hate us for showing a video of Tucker Carlson. We already hate ourselves for it. Love y’all!

A Dark Day

Our corrupt, broken and racist Supreme Court was really on one yesterday. They voted for guns over people, violence at the border for asylum seekers and to let Stephen Miller run loose in Springfield, Ohio based on Trump’s lies and racism. In other words, it was Sam Alito Day at SCOTUS. The miserable piece of shit had the guts to write that Trump hadn’t said anything racist about Haitians, leading Justice Kagan to list all the racist shit Trump has said about Haitians. But the bottom line is 400,000 people lost their right to be here based on lies and racism, and now Stephen Miller is going to go apeshit in the heartland. Yesterday was a damn dark day for America, and a reminder that Hillary wasn’t bullshitting in 2016 when she said the future of the court was on the line.

More: New Republic

Victory in Gotham

One of Zohran Mamdani’s big campaign promises was to do something about the exorbitant rents in New York City. Now, after being in office for like six months, he has kept that promise. The board that oversees this shit agreed yesterday to Mamdani’s request to freeze rents for one and two-year lease apartments. That means about 1 million apartments in NYC just got their rent frozen. This is a massive victory for working people. It’s also a good reminder that when Republicans are screaming about socialism and antisemitism, what they really mean is someone is actually helping out the non-rich. Well done, Zo!

More: ABC7 NY, Gothamist

Fear and Self-Loathing

Y’all, we need to talk. After the primary elections in New York Tuesday, Republicans came out firing, calling us socialists and radicals and communists. Ya know, all the things they called Joe Biden too. But then members of our party started doing the same shit, calling up reporters at Axios to shit all over our candidates. This has got to stop. Too many of our people want to do the GOP’s work for them. Of course we have a branding problem when we hate ourselves. How about let the voters decide who and what the party is and then the politicians can shut the fuck up or try to earn those votes. Enough is enough. The president of the United States is a rapist war criminal dipshit who fucks up everything he touches. If you’re calling Politico or Axios to attack Democrats, then change fucking parties.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Today’s clips

GREENBELT, Md. (AP) — Former Trump administration national security adviser John Bolton pleaded guilty on Friday to illegally retaining classified information, sealing a deal with federal prosecutors that could allow him to avoid a prison term. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Democratic National Committee is organizing hundreds of community events across the country this weekend in hopes of harnessing the same concerns about affordability that President Donald Trump capitalized on to return to the White House. More: AP

MOSCOW — Russian-installed authorities in Crimea announced ‌a state of emergency on the peninsula on Friday to deal with economic issues, after suspending tourism ​and children’s summer camps and halting ​all fuel sales in response to Ukrainian ⁠attacks. More: NBC News

Not too long after James Gunn and Peter Safran stepped up to lead DC Studios into the future, they were riffing about Supergirl. The Tom King comic series, “Supergirl: World of Tomorrow” was one of the ideas they were especially excited about, and Gunn had a very specific image in his head.

He just didn’t yet know her name. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Billionaire investor Leon Black said Friday that Jeffrey Epstein deceived him during a yearslong relationship in which he paid the disgraced financier $158 million, but insisted he committed no criminal wrongdoing as he appeared before the House Oversight Committee. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — The 2000 Year Old Man is turning 100. Mel Brooks on Sunday will celebrate his centennial birthday. More: AP

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, after a decade of watching Trump (against our will), we have determined that he is a lot of things, but mostly he’s an idiot. And an asshole. And a racist. And a rapist. And an idiot. And he smells like rotting butt in the hot summer sun. But also, that he’s a fucking coward. We can’t remember who said it first, but he’s basically just the big mouth at the end of the bar. He loves to talk shit unless the person he talks shit about is standing in front of him. Just a classic coward. And we’re not the only ones who have noticed…

LOLOLOL!!! Holy freaking shit that is the greatest clip we’ve ever seen. And it’s fitting that President Obama delivered that education on a show called All the Smoke. “He knows better” had our jaws drop and then had us laughing our asses off. We want so badly to be there when someone shows that to Trump and he starts rage-crapping ketchup. And of course, Obama is right. Trump turns into the biggest chickenshit when he’s in front of someone. He couldn’t even bully Zelensky in person. He had to get couchfuck to do it.

It’s been so great seeing the Obamas on the stage these last couple weeks; a bittersweet reminder of what this country can be when it’s not shooting its own stupid dick off. But man we forgot how much we love it when 44 talks some shit, and this one really made our day. But more than anything, we appreciate the reminder that the big tough asshole is actually just a soft lump of wimp shit. Get his orange ass, Mr. President. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy today? We’re really serious this time. How about 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then here on Substack or on YouTube.

Note three: We’re writing early today, but we’re expecting some big scary shit to come out of SCOTUS today. Wow. That sounded grosser than we meant it to. But SCOTUS is grosser than we want too.

Note four: Ya know how Americans traded dignity and democracy for someone who would end inflation? Well they fucked up. More: CNBC

Note five: The good news is that we seem to know we fucked up…

Note six: We are so freaking excited for this evening’s men’s World Cup game. We know a lot of people are grossed out by FIFA and all the Trumpiness of this tournament, but it’s still a lot of fun. Sam was seeing Mexico jerseys all over L.A. yesterday and it was a good reminder of what bringing all these countries together is supposed to be about. Good luck to the men’s team. We hope they won like the women’s team has taught them to. More: Yahoo Sports

Note seven: James Carville is disgusted with the Democratic Party’s candidates. We would be upset by this, but James has been shitting all over his own party for decades now. Which is exactly how long it’s been since his wrinkled irrelevant ass won something. More: Mediaite

Note eight: It sure seems like the postmaster general is preparing to interfere big time in American elections. Anyone else want this sonofabitch to die in prison if he tries this shit? Yeah, us too. More: MS Now

Note nine: Trump was supposed to sign a bipartisan housing bill yesterday. But he was too fucking dumb to take the win. More: NBC News

Note 10: Yeah, the housing thing was another classic clusterfuck, but it did give us this amazing video of horrible human being Virginia Foxx showing up to a canceled event looking lost as hell.

Note 11: We’re sending love to the people of Venezuela after some massive earthquakes there. First they have to deal with Trump and now this. More: CNN

Note 12: Sean Hannity is having some health issues. Oh well. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Ken Paxton is going to have a rough few months. But only because he’s a scumbag piece of shit.

Note 14: We keep seeing people who are worried the Democratic Party is changing. But we know what our approval numbers look like, and we have seen how easy it was for Hunter Biden to become one of our best managers. Change can be a good thing. More: HuffPost

Note 15: France is absolutely melting to the point that lots of people are dying. Climate change isn’t a hoax, and it isn’t coming in the future. It’s real, and it’s here. More: AP

Note 16: Y’all know we stay out of primaries (because y’all get super pissed when we don’t), so we are just passing along this news about Chris Van Hollen endorsing Abdul El-Sayed in the Michigan Senate race. More: AP

Note 17: Zelensky and Ukraine have been kicking so much ass that even Trump’s Putin-loving dumb ass can’t ignore it…

Note 18: A fire has been burning in the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles all week. We would like to thank the brave fire fighters who managed to beat it last night. We’d also like to invite Spencer Pratt to fuck off and stop using L.A.’s tragedies to try and become relevant. More: ABC7

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, let’s go back to President Obama. You already saw him dunk on Trump, so here he is from outside…

Note 20: And on that sweet note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week and an amazing summer. And if you’ve got something to say to a real president, try to find the guts to say it to his face. Love y’all!

Trump’s Pets

So yesterday the big news from Capitol Hill was that Sen. Bill Cassidy, who Trump recently took out in a primary, stood up to Trump and got into a shouting match with him over Iran at the Senate GOP lunch. Cassidy even gave a bunch of interviews to drive home the point that he’s a big tough maverick and he’s demanding answers on Iran. Then they took him to the White House. And late last night, Cassidy and fellow coward Rand Paul switched their votes on the Iran war powers resolution, defeating it. If there was ever any doubt, now there is none. The Republican-controlled Senate is a gutless rubberstamp for the moron president. And Bill Cassidy might be the most pathetic bitch weasel in American history. He’s now making Lindsey Graham look tough and principled.

More: CNN

What the Fuck?!

So we’ve known that we need to shut down ICE since those fuckers killed two Americans in the streets, ran concentration camps and basically became masked lawless thugs terrorizing American cities. But they are really fucking pushing it now. They went into a fucking polling place to confront a woman about one of her social media posts calling for ICE thug Jonathan Ross to be arrested for killing Renee Good. They were clearly trying to intimidate her, and she went public. This is fucking insane, even for those goons.

More: Syracuse.com

Crappy Birthday, America!

It just wasn’t the same without Milli Vanilli. Last night, Trump and his unlovable band of scum kicked off our nation’s 250th birthday with the worst fucking fair you’ve ever seen. After all the musical acts canceled, Trump was left with speakers like Sean Duffy, who lectured everyone, and then Trump gave one of his usual shitty rally speeches. There were like a thousand people there, y’all. And there’s video of lots of them leaving during Trump’s speech. This is such a fucking shame. We could be having a real celebration, but instead we’re stuck with temu Mussolini making everything shitty.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

A federal judge on Wednesday permanently barred President Donald Trump’s administration from implementing most of his first executive order on elections, part of which sought to require people to show documentary proof of citizenship when they register to vote. More: NBC News

IRVINE, Calif. — Christian Pulisic said he was feeling positive about his recovery from a calf injury and hopes to play a role in the United States’ final World Cup group match against Turkey on Thursday, though his availability remains uncertain. More: NBC News

A number of oil tankers sailed out of the Strait of Hormuz on Thursday along a United Nations-recommended route, defying threats by Iran that any ship not following its approved route “will be dealt with accordingly.” More: NBC News

New Mexico’s governor on Wednesday called for a criminal investigation into the Drug Enforcement Administration after an Associated Press investigation found federal agents allowed hundreds of thousands of fentanyl pills to reach the streets over a two-year period while pursuing larger drug-trafficking cases. More: AP

President Donald Trump said Wednesday that it may never be determined who was responsible for a deadly strike on a girls’ school in Iran that killed scores of children on the first day of the Iran war, as questions continue over whether U.S. forces were involved. More: The Independent

House Speaker Mike Johnson attempted to defend President Donald Trump’s attack on birthright citizenship even though it helped the U.S. men’s national team go 2-0 in the World Cup. More: HuffPost

Note: It’s a new day, Sexy Patriots. And that’s some scary shit for some people to hear. But election after election reveals that Democratic voters are sick and fucking tired of being sick and fucking tired, if we may profanely paraphrase Miss Fannie Lou Hamer. While we have seen so many badass fighters emerge to take on the fugly face of fascism, we’ve also seen too many Democrats who thought they could reason or make deals with it or do more of the same and hope voters wouldn’t notice. That was a massive goddamn miscalculation.

We are seeing that no one is safe, and while we know it’s tough for some of y’all, we think it’s a good thing. These folks work for us. And if they ain’t doing that the way we want them to — especially when our national fucking soul is on the line — then they should watch their backs. There’s a new type of Democrat rising. Brad Lander got arrested standing up to ICE. That’s the kind of Democrat we’re rolling with now. You can call them socialist commie pinko leftist whatevers (they were gonna call us that no matter what). We think of them as Pissed Off Progressives. Or we did until Uncle Fester helped us find a new name…

LOLOL. Yeah, handsome, that’s the ticket. There’s honor in being called a dirtbag by an all-time fucking dirtbag. So not only will we accept this name, we shall wear it proudly. We think it sounds cool, and it’s not like our brand can get any worse. So watch out, fascists and centrists and fucknuts Fetterman. The Dirtbag Democrats are coming, everyone. And we are done taking shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We apologize about the confusion around this week’s therapy sessions. We promise we’re working on it. In the meantime, a protester showed up at Trump’s Pennsylvania rally yesterday and called him a “pedophile.” It did not get the same press attention as Let’s Go, Brandon. Thank you to whomever this hero was. More: The Daily Beast

Note three: This is a five-alarm fire in Texas. People showed up to protest ICE. Some people chose violence. Other people were peaceful and left when told to. All of them got draconian sentences from a deranged right-wing judge. This is some bone-chilling shit. More: The Guardian

Note four: We are loving every non-Alexi Lalas second of this World Cup. We just have to remember to turn it off before the trophy presentation when some asshole makes it all about himself and possibly steals the trophy. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’d like to congratulate JD Vance on meeting his wife. Yesterday. For the first time apparently. (He was way more comfortable with the furniture.)

Note six: Iran says that Trump has given them back their $12 billion. It’s really amazing that Republicans spent a decade attacking Obama for unfreezing $1.2 billion and then did this. But those assholes sure love their hypocrisy and bullshit. More: Caspian Post

Note seven: We were not picked in the first round of the NBA draft. The newsletter will continue.

Note eight: LOL. Remember last week when we were debating if George Conway or Jack Schlossberg were the better candidate? Well the voters didn’t like either of them. Shows what we know. More: NBC News

Note nine: Bode Miller was arrested for shrooms? Is that still a crime? Seems safer than injecting bleach. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We are a year away from the whole goddamn country being covered with a tarp…

Note 11: France is melting. But sure, climate change is a hoax. More: NBC News

Note 12: Maryland state Senate president Bill Ferguson survived his primary challenge. Damnit. So we’re stuck with a wimp Dem. More: NBC News

Note 13: Republicans are planning to lie to the American people about Trump’s stupid war ending until the midterms are over. So if you want this dumb shit to stop, vote for a Democrat. Thanks for the messaging help, Fox!

Note 14: The FBI arrested a top adviser to Eric Adams for bribery. We’re not shocked that Eric’s staff was corrupt as hell. But we are shocked that the FBI gives a shit. More: NBC News

Note 15: What do you do when Milli Vanilli and C+C Music Factory cancel on you and humiliate you? You go get Kash Patel’s girlfriend. Were the burping Budweiser frogs not available? More: Variety

Note 16: The corrupt and broken Supreme Court is all about freedom of religion. But only if they approve of the religion. More: AP

Note 17: What’s going on over at Fox News? Oh nothing. Just some creepy old man wishing more teen girls would get pregnant. Fucking weirdo.

Note 18: Trump is having a rally to kick off our national birthday party today. As always, we hope it doesn’t end with him attacking the U.S. Capitol. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to CNN. Yeah, we were surprised too. But we just love this video of Brad Lander finding out in real time that he won. Seems like such a good dude.

Note 20: And on that charming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and being extra dirtbag-y. It’s a great way to tell John Fetterman to eat shit. Love y’all!

Flu 1; Hegseth 0

Pete Hegseth is a loser. But you already knew that. What you might not have known is that Hegseth’s dumb ass recently ended mandated flu shots for service members. And then the whole fucking military got the flu. Ok that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but a basic training base in Texas got absolutely rocked to the point that the military had to quietly reverse Hegseth’s idiotic decision and start requiring the shots again. There’s a reason George Washington required smallpox vaccinations for his army. But nobody ever accused Pete Hegseth of being George Washington. He’s been accused of other stuff, but not that.

More: ABC News

Zo Rolls

We are now ready to give Zohran Mamdani credit for the New York Knicks winning the NBA championship. Too far? Maybe. But after watching all of his endorsed candidates sweep last night, knocking out two incumbent members of Congress in the process, we are convinced that dude has the magic touch. Seems like the Democratic establishment might have fucked up by keeping Mamdani at arm’s length because voters seem to really like him and candidates who are similar to him. We don’t buy all this Islamophobic garbage that this is bad for our Jewish friends. Mainly because Brad Lander is Jewish and he keeps calling bullshit on those attacks. To us, this doesn’t seem to be about religion. It seems to be about who will go to battle for working people and who wants to play nice. The battlers are winning.

More: NPR

Lunch Plans

Trump is meeting with the Senate GOP today. We hope it sucks for everyone involved. Trump and Thune have been going at each other lately because Thune doesn’t have the votes to do all the crazy fucked up shit Trump wants him to and because Thune hates that his members have to go out on the campaign trail and answer questions about stupid wars and taxpayer payouts for cop beaters and pedophiles. The visit to Capitol Hill comes one day after four Senate Republicans crossed the aisle to vote with Democrats to pass a war powers resolution that really pissed off cankles. Still, don’t buy the media narrative that Trump and the Senate GOP are fighting with each other. They are still proud members of the orange cult.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The protester who was hit by a car outside the Delaney Hall immigration jail in Newark, New Jersey, on Sunday said she’s still looking for the driver who rammed into her — and that no one from law enforcement has been in touch about the incident. More: HuffPost

TOKYO (AP) — The head of the U.N.’s nuclear agency signaled Wednesday that Iranian nuclear enrichment sites would be visited by his inspectors, a key component in the interim U.S.-Iran to reach an end to the war. But an Iranian diplomat promptly rejected this, saying such a visit can only come after a final deal — a denial that highlighted the precariousness of the ongoing negotiations. More: HuffPost

LONDON — The world’s oldest soccer ball, found in a bedroom once used by Mary, Queen of Scots, will go on display for the first time in the United States — having made the long journey across the Atlantic from Scotland to Florida. More: NBC News

This week when Democrats meet at their state convention to energize and organize their party ahead of November, they’ll be doing so without U.S. Rep. Jasmine Crockett, D-Dallas, who declined an invitation to headline the event from James Talarico, the Senate nominee who defeated her in March. More: Texas Tribune

WASHINGTON — The Army’s commander of its forces in Europe and Africa — who was famously the last American soldier to leave Afghanistan in 2021 — is unexpectedly stepping down from his post after just 18 months in the job, the Army confirmed late Tuesday. More: NBC News

Major League Baseball denied that it targeted players who oppose gay rights and put some of the blame on the San Francisco Giants for an embarrassing flap at the team’s Pride Night celebration, a letter from Commissioner Rob Manfred revealed Monday. More: NBC News

Maryland Democrats chose state Del. Adrian Boafo on Tuesday to advance to November’s general election in the race to succeed his retiring former boss, U.S. Rep. Steny Hoyer, opting for a continuation of Hoyer’s pragmatic style of politics over a more progressive, antiestablishment approach promised by some other candidates. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — A study on COVID-19 vaccine effectiveness has finally been published after being blocked from a government health journal. More: AP

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) on Tuesday grounded Donald Trump’s plans for the luxury jet that was gifted by Qatar and is now in use as Air Force One. More: HuffPost