Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we are not the most superstitious people. While it’s true that Sam didn’t change his underwear once during the homestretch of the 2020 presidential race, that was more about hygiene and laziness than luck. Still, after watching the Knicks last night, we are coming around. What was their secret? Well, they had to cleanse and purify the air after it was all stanked up by a sleepy loser with orange boobies…

Whoa. This is like when Orban lost in Hungary. Someone is showing us a way out and that it can be done! To recap for our non-sports fans — the New York Knicks are in the NBA finals. It’s a best-of-seven series. The Knicks had been on an epic winning streak and were up 2-0. And then Donald Trump showed up and everything went to crap. And it looked like there was a curse in place from Trump’s stench as the Spurs led last night for three quarters. And then the sage started working, and the Knicks came back from 20 points down in the last quarter. It was the largest comeback in NBA history.

There’s a lesson there. We might be down, but we’re not out. We can beat back evil and cleanse this nation of his gross orange hue. We can and we will win again. Nothing is inevitable. We’re just gonna need a shitload of sage. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had a therapy session yesterday, and it was pretty darn fun. If you missed it, you can get caught up here.

Note three: The World Cup starts today, and we are excited despite our reservations and disgust. But the amazing Nancy Armour at USAToday said all the things better than we can, so here’s her column… More: USA Today

Note four: HUGE news today as a MSM outlet actually wrote about Elon Leon’s role in starting a pogrom in Belfast. Someone is gonna have to take this fucker on at some point. More: NBC News

Note five: CNN has put Daniel Dale on the side of a milk carton. Have you seen this man?

Note six: Think John Fetterman can’t get any worse? Well he’s now demanding dick pics from Graham Platner. No word on if he wants to see Ken Paxton naked too. More: WGAL

Note seven: We’re writing early today, so we don’t know what SCOTUS decisions will drop. But we’re sure they will be awful and help usher in the end of the United States. So that’s fun. More: NPR

Note eight: Y’all know we have mixed feelings about Graham Platner. But we have no mixed feelings about Susan Collins. She sucks. She sucks big hairy hog butt. And she voted for Brett Kavanaugh. More: NBC News

Note nine: So many pillars of democracy have either fallen or fallen to their knees to slurp orange ass. Thank goodness for grand juries, one of the few pillars to push back. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We have to ask — has Gretchen Whitmer always been like this and we just didn’t see it?

Note 11: Buckle up, everyone. El Nino is here. And the United States government has dismantled many of our defenses. Fucking idiots. More: AP

Note 12: Trump’s prosecutors are not going for the death penalty for the piece of shit who murdered Melissa Hortman, her husband and their dog. That’s fine. But we’ll be watching to see what kind of deal they give this motherfucker. More: AP

Note 13: Welp, they’re burning crosses again. Thanks, Trump.

Note 14: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have decided to publish their own vaccine recommendations. This is smart since the guy in charge now is snorting raccoon dicks off of toilet seats. More: AP

Note 15: Bill Gates testified about his buddy Epstein. Now Bill Gates should go sit in his shame closet for the rest of time. More: AP

Note 16: We still think Marjorie Greene is trash. Sorry, trash juice. But we’re glad she’s calling out the Epstein cover-up. It’s crazy there wasn’t a bigger to-do about yesterday’s NYT bombshell. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Just a reminder that Pete Hegseth is a war criminal and the United States is committing war crimes. Happy 250th, everybody!

Note 18: Nancy Nace is still a loser. She is coping with that fact by eating copious amounts of beans. So she’s a loser who is farting a lot. You stink, Nancy! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to Madison Square Garden, where we promise to stay awake. TPM’s Josh Marshall caught this quote from Knicks’ point guard Jalen Brunson and tied it to our current nightmare. We thought it was inspirational enough to share…

Note 20: And on that motivational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. And if some dumb orange sonofabitch has fucked it up for you, just get out the sage and Ben Stiller. Love y’all!

22 Doctors!

So Donald Trump is one sick fuck. That’s not us saying it. That’s his doctors. Ok fine. His doctors are telling us he’s totally healthy, so we know they’re fucking liars. Our question is why are there so many of them? According to the Washington Post, Trump was seen by 22 specialists on his last check-up, which came oddly close to the previous check-up. We assume this is about his syphilis or doctors are trying like hell to find a heart or a brain. But didn’t Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson spend like a year telling us the president’s health is the most important topic ever? Maybe 22 doctors could help those weasels find their spines.

More: The Independent

More War

It was a jarring morning as Trump put out a Truth Social post promising to invade Iran and followed it up by going on Fox News to rant like a psycho freak. Trump said he wants to send ground troops to take Kharg Island but he doesn’t think Americans “have the appetite” for it. Unfortunately for everyone, Fox host Ainsley Earhart disagreed as she clearly has a bloodlust that can’t be satisfied. The post and interview came after more missile strikes. We’ve been told for months now that a deal was coming, that we control the Strait of Hormuz and that Iran’s military has been destroyed. These were all lies. But we’re sure whatever comes next will be totally aboveboard.

More: NBC News

Trump Hearts Inflation

What’s the difference between Don Jr. and inflation? Trump loves inflation. But don’t take our word for it. Just watch this clip. And get ready to see it a lot this fall.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — A federal judge denied a request to temporarily halt the Trump administration’s proposed “anti-weaponization” fund but warned the Justice Department not to misrepresent the status of the $1.8 billion fund, which acting Attorney General Todd Blanche told Congress is not moving forward. More: NBC News

Brad Lander, New York’s former comptroller and a Congressional hopeful, appeared in court for a bench trial Wednesday in his September arrest while protesting conditions at an immigration holding facility. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — Defense industry leaders have been preparing to meet with President Donald Trump at the White House later this week in what is expected to be a contentious discussion as concerns grow over the U.S. supply of missiles, according to two people familiar with details of the meeting. More: NBC News

Damaging storms swept through the Midwest, knocking out power to hundreds of thousands of customers and causing more than a thousand flight delays or cancellations at Chicago airports with more potentially severe weather expected Thursday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The economic fallout from the Iran war — higher energy prices and increased uncertainty — will drag down global growth this year, the World Bank said Thursday. More: AP

President Donald Trump’s planned UFC fight on the White House’s South Lawn has required a monumental effort from more than seven federal agencies, hundreds of staff working onsite daily and at least $60 million, according to a legal filing that offers a glimpse into the preparations. More: AP

Note: Well hot damn, Sexy Patriots! Summer is just underway, but we have been feeling the heat! We don’t know if we’re just sharing some spicy takes or if we’re just being assholes (it has happened before), but it sure seems like people are on edge and ready to throw down these days. And we love that about you. It’s how we feel too. We just have to remind ourselves sometimes to be kind to each other and save our fury for the fuckheads.

And one good way for us all to unit is by making fun of Nancy Mace for being a HUGE FUCKING LOSER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Oh it’s so goddamn sweet, ain’t it? Nancy Mace, the rat from the expression “crazier than a shithouse rat,” came in fifth place in the South Carolina gubernatorial primary after Trump told her to get bent during the campaign. She’s still gonna probably spend time hanging out in bathrooms scaring people, but now she’ll be doing it as a private citizen. Yeah, there have been a lot of mean assholes to come through the GOP in the Trump years, and Mace has to be near the top of the list. In fact, we’re not even gonna gloat (except to say HAHAHAH, EAT SHIT, NANCY!!!) because we saw someone who deserved to enjoy this moment even more than us…

Well said, Sarah. Fuck off, eat shit and kiss our asses, Nancy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT? Awesome! We’ll see you there. We’ll be the guys doing all the cussing. Find us here on Substack or YouTube then!

Note three: Some really scary scenes out of Belfast, where Elon Leon Musk’s incendiary tweets led to a pogrom against immigrants. At some point, some nation is gonna have to get tough with the Super Nerd. Now would be a good time. More: The Guardian

Note four: Congrats to Democratic AG Aaron Ford on winning the gubernatorial nomination in Nevada. We’re feeling lucky now! More: The Hill

Note five: We really, really, really hope someone shows this to Trump…

Note six: Maggie Haberman and Jonathan Swan have a book coming out about Trump, and today they dropped an excerpt about how the White House was actually in a full panic over the Epstein files. Can you imagine what a scandal it would have been if any other president had used the Situation Room to strategize covering up a child rape scandal? More: New York Times

Note seven: Think CNN can’t suck anymore than they already do? Well just wait. More: NY Post

Note eight: Speaking of Epstein, Bill Gates is testifying today. Remember when we thought this guy was just a non-creepy nerd boy? Those were the good ol’ days. More: CNN

Note nine: Dean Cain is a loser and a piece of shit. If you don’t know who Dean Cain is, don’t worry because nobody else does either. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Maine voters made their decision last night…

Note 11: Lindsey Graham said earlier this year he wants to send South Carolina’s sons and daughters to the Middle East. Republicans there still voted for him. Freaks. More: NBC News

Note 12: That cage match bullshit isn’t just a national embarrassment; it’s also a grift. So just like everything else about Trump. More: NBC News

Note 13: We really didn’t want to show you this. Can you imagine if Obama had… oh fuck it.

Note 14: Republicans just gave ICE another $70 billion. We hope they make it last because we are shutting that shit down asap. More: AP

Note 15: We are grateful to every American who called out Trump’s gross efforts to get us all to snitch on the exhibits at national parks. Thanks for calling out this bullshit. More: AP

Note 16: Trump and Stephen A. Smith are fighting. If you like watching two idiots butt heads, then this is the slap fight for you. As far as we’re concerned, they can both fuck all the way off. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Looks like Trump just lost to Canada…

Note 18: One of the greatest athletes of all time is back on a tennis court, and we think that’s fucking awesome. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to shout out Hunter Biden. We’ve mentioned this a time or two, but Hunter is posting A LOT on twitter and when he’s not owning trolls, he’s talking in a very real way about addiction. It’s a damn heroic thing to do, and we appreciate it.

Note 20: And on that powerful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you are Nancy Mace. In which case, LOLOL!!! Love y’all!

BONUS: Hunter got us in a mood to listen to some Johnny Cash, so here’s Tennessee Stud…

More: YouTube

Califuckoff

Since another one of their reality tv assholes ate shit in an election, Republicans from Trump on down the line have been bitching and moaning about how California Democrats are stealing elections. If only! Unfortunately for the dumb and dishonest and Tom Steyer, Republican Steve Hilton advanced to the general election for governor in the state, proving yet again that Trump scumbags are fucking lying about election fraud. Spencer Pratt lost because he’s a loser and a con-artist and Angelenos aren’t stupid or self-destructive. Or at least not that self-destructive. Now we all need to make sure we get behind Xavier Becerra to make sure a Trumpy Republican from England isn’t the next governor of the Golden State.

More: NBC News

Trumpflation Spike

Well it turns out that Donald Trump didn’t lower prices on Day One. In fact, anyone who believed that would happen clearly has a buttcheek where their brain should be. But not only has Trump failed to lower prices, he and his stupid fucking war have made things worse. We found out this morning that inflation is up 4.2 percent year-over-year, which is the highest since 2023. Why? Because of the price of oil. Why? Well because the president of the United States is a spoiled rotten rich asshole who has never put gas in a car.

More: CNBC

Sigh

Speaking of Trump’s stupid war, it’s still going on. Yeah, despite his endless efforts to tell us a deal is coming any minute now, Trump is now back on his bullshit and threatening more bombing. There was reporting yesterday that Trump didn’t want to strike back after Iran took out a U.S. helicopter and had to be pressured to do so by Hegseth and Gen. Caine. The draft-dodger is stuck in a quagmire he created, and he’s grown bored with it. So yeah, this mess ain’t getting cleaned up anytime soon. Also, Trump should stop mentioning Allah in his Truth Social posts. Unless he wants to enlist to go fight a holy war.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Republican-turned-independent Rep. Kevin Kiley and former Democratic state Sen. Richard Pan advanced to the November election Tuesday in a Northern California congressional district while a progressive Democrat advanced to face Republican Rep. David Valadao in a Central Valley one.

The races set up significant tests of whether Democrats’ redraw of California’s House maps will pay off for the party. More: AP

Republican former Gov. Paul LePage is moving on to the general election in Maine’s 2nd District, NBC News projects, as the crowded Democratic field in one of the country’s most important battleground districts remains unresolved ahead of a ranked choice voting tabulation. More: NBC News

Billionaire climate activist Tom Steyer’s bid for governor of California is the second time he has spent more than nine figures in an unsuccessful attempt to win public office. More: NBC News

Spike Lee is predicting a “love fest” on the streets of the Big Apple if the New York Knicks win the NBA Finals — and he doesn’t want ICE anywhere near it. More: HuffPost

“60 Minutes” correspondent Lesley Stahl gave a telling toast over Champagne this week to colleagues at the CBS news show.

“My toast was, ‘to us,’ meaning the survivors,” Stahl told The New York Times on Tuesday. “Maybe ‘us’ with a twinge of survivor’s guilt.” More: HuffPost

A World Cup referee from Somalia who was denied entry to the United States was received by a crowd of supporters and officials Wednesday as he arrived in Somalia’s capital of Mogadishu, where he said he plans to be at the next World Cup and urged Somali youths to be proud of their country. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today there are people who hate Donald J. Trump more than you do. We know. Doesn’t seem possible, does it? But last night, Cankles McManboobies waddled into Madison Square Garden to put his personal loser stank all over the New York Knicks’ 13-game winning streak and holy shit what a jinx. THEY HADN’T LOST IN LIKE SIX FUCKING WEEKS AND THEN HE SHOWED UP! We are so sorry, New York. Y’all did not deserve this. But none of us does.

And it was clear from the jump that New Yorkers did not want Trump there. Despite lies from Trump and Fox News, you can clearly hear the response dipshit got from the sellout crowd who had to show up hours early for the game because of fuckhead’s security…

BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Delicious. It’s as if an entire city came together to declare in one voice “YOU FUCKING SUCK, ASSHOLE!” And we sure do appreciate it. Not only is that sonofabitch spending our money to go sleep at NBA finals games while our nation is at war, but he also royally fucked up one of the most exciting streaks in sports. It’s actually a pretty impressive feat. In fact, we’re so impressed by Trump’s ability to fuck things up just by being near them that we’ve come up with a new award just for him.

The Ted Cruz Shithead Jinx Award is only given to those despicable assholes who show up where no one wants them only to bring bad luck and shame upon the team they were rooting for. We believe this is the first award Trump has ever actually earned. We know just where he can keep it. Y’all have a blessed day. And hang in there, Knicks fans.

Note two: Speaking of Ted Cruz, guess who’s handing out lectures on masculinity. LOLOLOL!!! Irony has been murdered. Cruz’s dad probably pulled the trigger. More: HuffPost

Note three: Los Angeles made it official last night. Nityha Raman is moving on and Spencer Pratt can fuck off. Thank you, City of Angels! More: NBC News

Note four: Trump and Hegseth lost a helicopter near the Strait of Hormuz. We assume the president was wide awake and hard at work when it happened. Or he was in a coma at a basketball game. More: NBC News

Note five: White House reporters have a system where one reporter from each medium will report back to the rest of the White House press. After all, you can’t fit that many reporters on Air Force One. We thought y’all might enjoy seeing the pool report from last night. It’s a keeper.

Note six: DO NOT drink raw milk. And stay far the fuck away from this creep. This motherfucker admits he’s putting children in the hospital and he doesn’t care. It’s really gonna suck when he’s our next HHS secretary. More: ProPublica

Note seven: It’s Tuesday so people are voting. If they’re voting near you, you should join them. And remember not to vote for any assholes. More: Bolts Mag

Note eight: Tim Walz had a chance to destroy JD Vance. He didn’t take it. Now JD is fucking Walz like he’s a couch. And the national news media continues to believe that the George Santos party gives a shit about fraud. More: NBC News

Note nine: Ok this is pretty hilarious. Texas Republicans are so desperate to smear Talarcio that they’re now acting like it’s a scandal that he dated someone. If only he’d cheated on his wife, then he’d be a saint like Ken Paxton, right? More: Texas Scorecard

Note 10: The only two things we’ve ever had in common with Trump is that we both hate Don Jr. and Stephen A. Smith. Of course we don’t hate Stephen for racist reasons like the president does…

Note 11: Back to Texas for a moment — Ken Paxton is so odious that even his impeachment lawyer is backing Talarico. Now James just needs the endorsement of Paxton’s ex-wife. More: AP

Note 12: Trump wasn’t the only asshole politician at the game last night. Rahm Emanuel was too. He was sitting courtside with rich scumbags. And yet the mainstream media think Democrats might vote for this man for president. That’s how out-of-touch these freaks really are. More: AP

Note 13: RIP to the great historian Gordon Wood. He will forever be remembered for his important works and the time Will Hunting talked about him in that Harvard bar. More: AP

Note 14: Anna Faris tried to sneak a Melania joke into the new Scary Movie and that is one of many reasons why we love Anna Faris. More: HuffPost

Note 15: The Speaker of the House is lying about American elections and admitting he has zero proof. Shouldn’t that be a scandal?

Note 16: The Atlantic has an important story today (we never say that) about this nation’s ongoing betrayal of Black members of the military. We sure hope Hegseth has to face up to this shit someday. More: The Atlantic

Note 17: Bill Maher is happy Scott Pelley got fired. Just in case there were any doubts about what a loser-ass bitch Bill Maher is. Maybe Pelley will let Bill hold one of his Emmys. More: The Hill

Note 18: We’re sorry to report that your Democratic senators are selling you out again. Last week, John Fetterman returned a “blue slip” to approve and endorse a Trump judicial nomination. This week, Michigan Sens. Gary Peters and Elissa Slotkin did the same. With friends like these, who the fuck needs Republicans? More: Bloomberg Law, USA Today

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Delaney Hall in New Jersey. Why would the Happy Ending come from an American concentration camp? Because living angel Ms. Rachel paid the kids there a visit yesterday and we think that’s amazing…

Note 20: And on that heartwarming yet gut wrenching note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and some fucking asshole didn’t come along and screw up your winning streak. Because what kind of selfish prick would do such a thing? Love y’all!

Just Two More Weeks

It seems like every goddamn day we wake up and see Axios is reporting that Trump is close to a deal with Iran. And every goddamn day that turns out to be a lie. So how many times has this actually happened? Well fortunately, Aaron Blake at CNN was kind enough to add it up for us. And according to Blake, Trump has told the American people that a deal is coming 38 TIMES. Jesus. That’s more than the number of times he’s met Barron! Maybe Axios should try getting confirmation before reporting bullshit and lying to their readers.

More: CNN

(White) World Cup

The easiest thing in the world to predict was Trump fucking up the Knicks’ streak. The second easiest thing to predict is that he will fuck up the World Cup. And he already is. Award-winning referee Omar Artan has been banned from entering the United States to achieve his dream of refereeing the World Cup. Why? Because he’s from Somalia and the president of the United States is a racist piece of shit. If you think you can’t be anymore ashamed, just wait. The Iranian team touched down in Mexico this week — because they couldn’t stay in the U.S. — and when they did they were wearing pins to honor all those little girls Trump murdered. So yeah, if this thing is supposed to show off America’s greatness, then it has already failed.

More: ESPN, ABC7 NY

Run, Nazi, Run!

Greg Bovino is an endless source of comedy. It’s true that he’s a vicious little nazi shit who has been joining forces with other nazi shits in Europe. But he also refers to himself as “the commander” and talks about deporting 100 million people. You can see why he was too much of a nazi for even Trump’s nazi ass. But the best part is that little Greggy seems to think he has enough support to run for president. And we totally think he should do it. Let’s take off the hood once and for all and show the world who Republicans really are — tiny little anger freaks who want to kill everyone who isn’t white. So yeah, go for it, little fella.

More: News Nation

Today’s clips

U.S. airlines spent more than $6 billion on jet fuel in April, up 78% from a year earlier despite using slightly less fuel, government data released Monday showed. Meanwhile, the airline industry’s top global trade group warned that soaring energy costs could nearly halve profits in 2026. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — House Republicans will look to get nearly $70 billion for immigration enforcement over the finish line Tuesday, enough to fund a pair of Homeland Security agencies through the next three years and the rest of President Donald Trump’s time in office. More: AP

Severe weather moving across parts of the country over the next few days will bring destructive hail and damaging winds to more than 30 million people from the central Plains to the northern Great Lakes and strong storms for the mid-Atlantic and the Northeast. More: NBC News

An election denier who tried to overturn Donald Trump’s 2020 election loss is facing scrutiny over his new role in the Justice Department as part of a team investigating the president’s foes. More: NBC News

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) led the fast break in mocking President Donald Trumpfor apparently napping again ― this time during one of the most exciting sporting events to hit New York City in a while. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it to the weekend and you didn’t even have a ballroom to protect you. We’re so proud. You know who else is proud right now? New Yorkers. Yeah, they are strutting even more than usual. The Game One success of the Knicks has that town flying high. So naturally, cankles is gonna try and fuck it up…

Ok, New York, we need to talk. We would never be so bold or presumptuous as to tell you what to do, ask for a favor or even look you in the eye while walking on a busy street. But on behalf of all humanity, we’re gonna need you to boo this dumb orange motherfucker to hell and back. We are hardcore opposed to violence, so please don’t throw any rotten fruit or glass bottles at him. But boo. Boo like your life depends on it. Boo until his purple hands explode. Boo until he cries and that hideous makeup runs the whole mile down his goddamn tie.

Our concern is that ticket prices are so high that only rich assholes who actually like Trump are gonna get in. But we feel like we can count on Gotham to come through and make that sorry sonofabitch come face-to-face with just how much he’s hated. And if New York doesn’t boo? Well, Go Spurs. LOL. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about a bonus therapy session today? Yeah, we need it too. How does 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT sound? Great! We’ll see you then.

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Note three: We fucked up yesterday. We saw your comments about calling out Katie Porter instead of all the dude Democrats who should have dropped out too. We heard you, and we’re sorry. And to be clear, this one is on Sam; not Adam.

Note four: We got a good jobs report today, which makes no fucking sense with an asshole wrecking everything and driving gas prices higher. Should we start screaming that it’s rigged? More: CNBC

Note five: The director of the FBI says it’s someone else’s fault that he never found Nancy Guthrie. Was that someone Jim Beam? This is one of those things that would have been a massive scandal for Biden, but with Trump the MSM just don’t seem to give a shit.

Note six: The House is standing with Ukraine even if the White House is standing with Putin. More: NBC News

Note seven: And Zelensky is trying again for peace even though Putin is the one who desperately needs a way out. Sound familiar? More: NBC News

Note eight: John Bolton is going to plead guilty. We don’t like this dude, but man this is fucked up. More: NBC News

Note nine: With his corrupt pardons, Donald Trump has put a lot of dangerous criminals back on the streets. One of them is George Santos. More: NPR

Note 10: Well goddamn. This is how you freaking do it…

Note 11: Poor Vanilla Ice. That man is desperate for work. So when Trump announced yesterday that he’s going to have a rally with Lee fucking Greenwood instead of doing that thing that even Milli Vanilli wouldn’t attend, Ice tried to get in on it. More: The Hill

Note 12: So we are HUGE fans of the band the Black Crowes, going back to Shake Your Money Maker and that stunning cover of Amorica. And we’ve got their backs after they trashed their concert-goers for chanting U-S-A. Here’s the story. And a link to She Talks to Angels. More: HuffPost, YouTube

Note 13: We’ve taken some shit for not talking more about the Stanley Cup. But Sam actually watched that amazing overtime last night so he didn’t sound as dumb as this sonofabitch…

Note 14: California is still counting votes. The big one we’re all watching is the L.A. mayoral race where Nithya Raman still might lock out Spencer Pratt. Wouldn’t that be nice? More: AP, LAist

Note 15: Of all the people the MyPillow losers shouldn’t try to fuck with, Nancy Pelosi has to be near the top of the list. More: HuffPost

Note 16: We selfishly want Leslie Stahl to publicly call Bari Weiss trash and walk. But that ain’t our call and she sure as shit doesn’t need our advice on this or anything else. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but it does look like America is starting to heal…

Note 18: Holy freaking shitballs! Taylor Swift just dropped a new song for Toy Story 5. Let us know what you think. Unless it’s negative because we will not hear any Tay Tay slander. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, the statues of Saddam are coming down. Ok it’s not quite that but workers are starting to remove all traces of Trump’s name off the Kennedy Center. We couldn’t find any videos that would make us all really aroused, but we’re enjoying the story nonetheless. More: Fox5 DC

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And if you’re going to the Knicks game on Sunday, you know what to do. Love y’all!

Fuck this

So we stay out of primaries. But we’re thinking about making an exception in Maine. Yesterday the New York Times reported from ex-girlfriends of Senate candidate Graham Platner, one of whom said he physically abused her. We’re not gonna tell the people of Maine what to do. But we’re not gonna stand with this guy either. We pride ourselves on being better than Trump scum. It’s not hard to do. All you have to do is not stand with guys who abuse women or get nazi tattoos. We’ve tried like hell to give this guy a chance because we all want Susan Collins gone. But how the fuck are any of us supposed to defend this shit? We know that Trump is worse, but surely that’s not our bar. This whole thing is just gross and sucky.

More: NBC News

While you were sleeping

Senate Republicans rammed through more money for Trump’s secret police and they defeated amendments that would have stopped his slush fund for child molesters and terrorists. Seriously. The whole fucking Republican caucus, minus Lisa Murkowski, voted for this heinous shit. Again — they literally voted to give our money to the scum who attacked our Capitol. They also voted to give another $70 billion to the thugs at CBP because that’s just what those lawless dirtbags needed. If we can’t make Republicans eat shit for this vote, then we should all just give up on politics.

More: NBC News

The 100-day mark

That subhed has two meanings. As CNBC’s Carl Quintanilla pointed out this morning, Sunday will mark 100 days since Trump started an idiotic war in Iran to distract from the Epstein files. Since then, we have heard countless explanations for why Trump started the war and we’ve all listened to him talk about his decorating plans while the cost of gas skyrocketed. We lost 13 soldiers, and we don’t think the true scope of damage to our bases in the Middle East has really been reported. The Strait of Hormuz is under Iranian control, their nuclear program remains and the world knows America has a limp dick. But other than that, things are going great.

More: ABC News

Today’s clips

NEW YORK — A New Jersey police sergeant has been charged with stealing $10,000 worth of cameras and other equipment from a photojournalist who had been injured covering tense protests outside a Newark immigration jail. More: NBC News

Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker on Friday plans to temporarily halt offering tax breaks to data centers that apply to build in the state and intends to call on lawmakers and other groups to hash out a framework in the fall veto session for how the centers should be developed. More: NBC News

Police have arrested the son of actor James Handy’s girlfriend in his death after he was found stabbed in the chest in Los Angeles, law enforcement said Thursday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The last time Washington, D.C., residents chose a new delegate to Congress and a new mayor in the same election, gas was $1.33 a gallon and George H.W. Bush was president.

This fall they will do it again — under starkly different circumstances. More: AP

RENO, Nev. (AP) — Nevada’s only Republican congressional seat is open for the first time in 15 years, and the primary is testing Republican voters’ appetite for a veteran politician or a newcomer with President Donald Trump’s backing. More: AP

Whatever meager shred of legitimacy the U.S. Supreme Court had went up in flames with its shadow docket decision on Tuesday allowing Alabama to move forward with a racially discriminatory congressional map with no time for election administrators to prepare. More: HuffPost

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Ready for something different today? Y’all know that we stay out of primaries. We figure it’s the smart thing to do since we don’t like pissing off our friends and we figure people should make up their own minds about who will be their champions. But today we are making an exception. It’s not really a primary, but we are ready to make an endorsement… We are officially backing Hunter Biden over Jake Tapper…

Get his ass, Hunter!!! Yeah, while Trump attacks Jake’s colleagues and fucks up everything that isn’t nailed to the floor, Hunter Biden has been calling Jake’s bitch ass out. And we are here for every last second of it. The current president has rotting plums for hands and eyes that are about to slide off his face and hit the floor, and Tapper is still talking about Joe fucking Biden. So we came up with an idea. Tapper vs. Hunter Biden in Trump’s stupid goddamn fighting cage. We can call it “Crack vs. Hack.” Ok fine we’ll keep workshopping the name.

And when it’s over, Jake can write a book called “I Got My Ass Whooped By Hunter Biden Who is the Most Handsome and Smart Boy in the World.” Because at this point it’s obvious his cowardly ass is never gonna write one about the decomposing dipshit we’ve got in the White House now. So yeah, fuck him up, Hunter. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did y’all miss therapy yesterday? We’re gonna do another one tomorrow, but you can get caught up here. Stay until the end to hear Sam’s super embarrassing hockey story. You can find the comments from the live here!

Note three: Speaking of hockey, we’re sorry to the Sexy Patriots who wish we’d talk more about the Stanley Cup. We just don’t follow pro hockey that closely. But that might change now that Trump wants to get his loser stank all over the NBA. Seems like he’d be worried about being confused for the ball. More: USA Today

Note four: Despite fuckhead’s intrusion, Knicks fans are big happy today. And we’re happy for them. Is there anything Mamdani can’t do? More: ESPN

Note five: It’s a helluva thing to watch this and then see that one of CNN’s biggest anchors is more obsessed with Jill Biden…

Note six: As predicted by pretty much everyone, Trump is now screaming that fraud is happening in California’s elections. Everyone saw this coming. So maybe California should find a way to speed this shit up. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We are still waiting for results in the Golden State, but we’d like to once again thank the selfish, delusional Democrats who stayed in the gubernatorial race, splitting up the vote and possibly helping a Trump Republican advance. We’re looking at you, Katie Porter. More: KTLA, KTLA

Note eight: Today’s headline is brought to you by the latest sign of the apocalypse — screwworms. Yeah, it’s another plague that is gonna wreak havoc while Trump plays golf. We can only assume that right now the HHS Secretary is hard at work trying to figure out how to have sex with these things. More: NBC News

Note nine: You know what we have in common with Albanians? We both hate Jared Kushner. More: The Guardian

Note 10: This gives us joy. Because it must be really freaking out the chodes…

Note 11: Trump wants his defense attorney to be the full-time AG. All we can say is Senate Democrats better bring their fucking A-games. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Two children were killed in Gaza last night. And they’re still calling this bullshit a ceasefire. More: NBC News

Note 13: So look, we all hate Trump flags. But you shouldn’t murder people who hang them outside their homes. Try disapproving looks instead! More: NBC News

Note 14: We found some election fraud! Yeah, Tommy Turbeville is voting in Florida while running to be governor of Alabama. We don’t know if it’s a crime, but he’s definitely a fraud. And just a piece of shit in general. More: AL.com

Note 15: Thank you to Ted Lieu for making clear yesterday that Trump can’t stay awake and Marco Rubio is a lying shitstain…

Note 16: Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, whose grandfather was a literal nazi soldier, got caught lying about being assaulted yesterday by a tiny little Code Pink activist. Shame on you, Lying Luna! More: TMZ

Note 17: If you’re a hoops fan like us and you want to lose hours of your day, check this out 82-0.com. You should be warned though that this is basically the new crack.

Note 18: Tony Dickface honored Scott Pelley last night. We’re sure Pelley appreciated that fake niceness from Bari Weiss’s top ass-kisser. Eat shit, Tony. More: Variety

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Chicago. Excitement is building around the opening of the Obama Presidential Library and we thought this part was especially cool…

Note 20: And on that not-so-scandalous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. Unless you’re Jake Tapper, in which case you can fuck all the way off and then go fuck yourself. Love y’all!

Flush the Slush

Todd Blanche went before Congress this week and said Trump’s slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles is dead. Then yesterday Trump made clear he’s still trying to give them our money. Thanks to questioning from Kaitlin Collins, we know that Trump still wants to pay off his dirtbag friends with our money despite claims from the administration that they were letting it go. Keep the heat up because this is fucking bullshit.

More: MS Now, New Republic

Well done!

It has taken four tries and it still has miles to go, but a measure to limit Trump’s war powers finally passed the House yesterday, and Trump is really pissed off about it. Four Republicans joined our people, and Trump spent last night attacking them on twitter. But this is basis civics shit. We’ve always known that only Congress has the power to declare war. But thanks to the war on terror, politicians decided that the vote to go into Iraq was all they needed to wage perpetual war. Congress needs to take that power back. Especially from this deranged asshole.

More: HuffPost

O-H!

We’ve been so focused on Texas and Iowa that we haven’t been giving enough love to a big Senate race in Ohio. Sherrod Brown, one of the best damn senators we’ve ever had, is attempting a comeback against one of Trump’s d-bags. And in the governor’s race, Amy Acton is trying to stop Vivek Ramaswamy from ruining the Buckeye State. Now we’ve been burned in Ohio before so color us skeptical, but we’re putting this in the news section because a new Fox News poll really got our attention. While the poll shows Acton and Vivek tied (Acton 50; Vivek 49), it shows Sherrod leading Husted 53-45. EYES EMOJI!!! So if you’re still looking for a Senate candidate to support, you might consider ol’ Sherrod.

More: Fox News

Today’s clips

A Department of Homeland Security watchdog report revealed that staff members at an ICE detention center in Louisiana used a prohibited chokehold to “gain control” of a person being held there and stabbed another in the hand with a pen when an officer could not close the door to a housing unit. More: NBC News

The leader of the Iran-backed Hezbollah militant group has rejected the latest ceasefire agreement reached between Israel and the Lebanese government, demanding a complete Israeli withdrawal. More: NBC News

Years after handing redistricting power over to an independent commission, New York Democrats want it back as they join the national map-drawing battle with an eye on the 2028 election. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Republican-led Senate is moving forward with legislation to fund immigration enforcement agencies after forcing the Trump administration to say it will drop its settlement fund for political allies and stripping a separate proposal for White House security from the bill. More: AP

Now, eight years after President Donald Trump’s forcible border separations came to an official halt following global outrage, an Associated Press investigation has found that the government has re-separated dozens of children from their families, despite a landmark legal settlement meant to keep them together. Some of their parents have been locked in immigration detention facilities for months, others deported back to their home countries after being taken from their families once again. In some cases, immigration officials conducting interior arrests deported people despite discovering they were legally off limits for removal, according to emails obtained by AP. More: AP

Ohio political blogger D.J. Byrnes, a.k.a. “The Rooster,” was arrested Monday after he allegedly sent a photo of Shrek’s penis to a state senator last month. More: HuffPost

Note: Phew, Sexy Patriots. It has been a helluva 24 hours since we last laid eyes on your sexy and patriotic asses. The Supreme Court went full klan, Los Angeles is scaring the shit out of us and some billionaires set Scott Pelley on fire. If we were drinkers, we’d be drinking right now. Because this model airplane glue does not go great with coffee. We thought y’all might be feeling similar despair so we thought we’d show you what it looks like when you’re party fights back…

Hell fucking yeah. That’s how you fucking do it! Thank you to Rep. Madeleine Dean for keeping her eye on the ball and reminding the world that Donald Trump and his AG are covering up a child rape scandal of which Trump was a part. Thank you for remembering the survivors who are still waiting on justice. And thank you for fucking up that smug sleazebag Todd Blanche. We’re sure Todd had to comfort himself last night by drinking a gallon of warm Trump breast milk and then jerking off to pictures of Don Jr. Because that’s what a good Attorney General does.

It’s becoming more and more clear by the minute that the deck is stacked against us — and truth and justice — big time. So we need clear, fearless communicators who are willing to go right at these forces of darkness without hesitation or endless throat-clearing. Madeleine Dean has stepped up. Who will be next? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ok who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. Especially after that thing about Blanche and Junior. How about 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then here on Substack or by clicking here for YouTube!

Note three: Congratulations to Mayor Karen Bass for advancing to the mayoral run-off. But also, we are super disturbed that Spencer Pratt is doing as well as he is. The AP hasn’t yet called the second slot between Pratt and Raman, but what the effing fuck, LA?! More: AP

Note four: The NBA finals start tonight. Thank goodness for big distractions during the apocalypse. Who y’all got winning?

Note five: Here is the president of the United States saying it’s a good thing that everyone is confused about what he’s doing in Iran. How the effing fuck are we still talking about Biden’s health?

Note six: Rep. Andy Ogles, also known as the Tennessee Santos, said yesterday that “homosexuality has no place in America.” Then even his own party called him scum, so he deleted it and blamed it on a staffer. Andy is a goddamn bigot and a liar. More: NBC News

Note seven: Speaking of Santos, you’ll never guess who is being investigated again. If only the Republican Party wasn’t so weak on crime. More: AP

Note eight: It’s looking like Trump’s backed candidate is advancing in the California gubernatorial race. Congrats to all the selfish and delusional Democrats who stayed in the race and split the vote. We won’t forget. More: ABC7

Note nine: Trump said he might leave the cage from his upcoming UFC fight at the White House permanently. So yeah, his brain is fucking oatmeal. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We think very little of the White House press corps these days, but this was well done…

Note 11: Tom Kean is the Republican member of Congress who has just disappeared. Republicans still nominated him for reelection. So get to know and support Rebecca Bennett, who probably won’t vanish off the face of the earth if elected. More: NBC News

Note 12: We know everyone is excited about Texas, but we’ve got a chance to do some big shit in Iowa. Take a look and consider getting involved. More: Politico

Note 13: Iran and the U.S. are shooting at each other. And the press is still calling it a ceasefire. So yeah, everything is fucking stupid. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Hey New Mexico! Deb Haaland needs to be your next governor. She’s gonna be amazing. More: NBC News

Note 15: AI is a great way to find out which guys used to stuff socks down their pants…

Note 16: Ukraine hit Putin’s hometown. LOL! We’re sure Trump is pissed, but we fucking love it. More: NBC News

Note 17: We’re gonna talk about Scott Pelley in a second. But first we want to invite his colleagues who are going ahead with another White House correspondents dinner to eat shit. We assume it will be on the menu. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Graham Platner met with Democratic senators yesterday. It might be the dirtiest thing he’s done yet. We’re just kidding. But man we’re glad we don’t live in Maine. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re celebrating Pride Month by showing you this sexy beast. The word you’re looking for is “fierce.”

Note 20: And on that proud note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. And thanks for not being in the Epstein files. We really appreciate that about you. Love y’all!

Jim Crow SCOTUS

If anyone still had any doubts about just how racist this Supreme Court is, they were laid to rest last night when the nation’s highest court said that Alabama can use racist congressional maps. Yeah, in an unsigned order — because they are cowards like all racists — the majority threw out all of its rules and said that Alabama is free to use maps that were found to intentionally limit the voting power of Black voters. In doing so, the court has unleashed chaos in an election while also getting rid of a Black member of Congress. If you’re thinking about running for president in 2028, you better have a plan for what to do about this court.

More: USA Today

Goddamnit, Todd

Trump says he wants his personal attorney, Todd Blanche, to be the permanent Attorney General. We would really enjoy those confirmation hearings. Because Blanche went on Capitol Hill yesterday and made it clear he is slime. While Blanche said that Trump is backing off the slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles, he refused to put it in writing and said that Trump’s immunity from the IRS would go on. So basically, they’re still going ahead with this corrupt shit since they already got the headlines they wanted. Just a reminder — the AG is supposed to be our lawyer; not the president’s.

More: CNBC, HuffPost

So long, CBS

We regret to inform you that journalism is dead at CBS. It happened last night when the network fired Scott Pelley from 60 Minutes for speaking truth to power. We are enormously grateful to Scott for taking a real stand and being courageous instead of kissing ass and going along just to get along like so many of his colleagues in the news business. Still, this sucks. It means that 60 Minutes is effectively dead as we knew it, and the Trump orders to gut it have been carried out. Yesterday was a very dark day for journalism and America. Thank you to Scott for doing what good journalists do and shining a light on corruption and injustice. And a giant FUCK YOU to everyone who was calling for him to be fire. Chris Cillizza can eat the lint from our taints.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

Progressive politicians are sharpening their attacks against tech tycoon Elon Musk, zeroing in on his soon-to-be-trillionaire status days before his company SpaceX’s record-setting initial public offering. More: NBC News

Iran will play its final World Cup warm-up behind closed doors in Turkey on Thursday before departing for a tournament base in Mexico on Saturday, the Iranian FA (FFIRI) said on Wednesday. More: NBC News

A young man who pleaded guilty in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol and apologized for his “foolish” actions during what he said was “without a doubt one of the most embarrassing days in modern American history” now works at the Defense Department. More: NBC News

Acceptance of same-sex marriage and relationships in the U.S. has flattened after more than two decades of steadily increasing support, with an ongoing decline among Republicans, according to a new Gallup poll. More: AP

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Businessman Zach Lahn’s win in Iowa’s Republican gubernatorial primary over President Donald Trump’s pick, Rep. Randy Feenstra, delivered a rare electoral setback for Trump in a primary season that had previously handed him back-to-back victories. More: AP

JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) — Republican U.S. Sen. Dan Sullivan is running for reelection in Alaska and faces a field of 15 competitors. One of them is Dan Sullivan. More: AP

Wrestling icon Mick Foley has spilled on why Donald Trump’s response to the killings of director Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele, led him to distance himself from WWE due to its relationship with the president. More: HuffPost

California state Sen. Scott Wiener and San Francisco Supervisor Connie Chan are projected to advance in the top-two “jungle” primary for the state’s 11th congressional district, signaling just how enduring former Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hold on the region continues to be. More: HuffPost

Podcaster Shawn Ryan on Monday railed against President Donald Trump over his litany of apparent corruption scandals, joining a burgeoning chorus of former MAGA supporters and pro-Trump podcasters who have turned against the president since his 2024 reelection. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another stupid day in the shit! We hope you remembered to wear your galoshes. We’re sorry to start off so negative today, but things are really, really dumb and getting even dumber. So we’re gonna do something a little different today. Instead of pointing out something stupid and horrifying and making fun of it, we’re gonna show you something awesome and cute…

Well that’s just fucking adorable. We know not everyone loves Mayor Mamdani or the New York Knicks, but goddamn we needed something positive and we sure appreciate Zo coming through. It’s a good reminder that not everything or everyone sucks, and there are good people out there who love this country and want to actually help people. And holy fucking shit did we ever need that reminder.

So as we share today’s news about white supremacists, morons and traitors, try to remember that there is still cute and heartwarming shit in the world that Trump hasn’t fucked up yet. And then protect that shit at all costs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: There was reporting yesterday that Trump is backing off his slush fund for cop-beaters and pedophiles. But nobody believes a goddamn word he says anymore, so the lawsuits are still on. Still, it’s nice to know that even this crap was too gross for the GOP. More: Politico

Note three: Trump spent yesterday calling up gullible reporters and telling them he has grown bored with Iran and doesn’t care what happens there. For literally any other president, this shit would have been career-ending. More: CNBC

Note four: Pete Hegseth continued his racist bullshit at the Pentagon. He has again denied promotions to Black people and women. For some reason, the New York Times is referring to this as anti-DEI instead of just calling it racist as fuck. More: People

Note five: Speaking of shocking racism, what the fuck, Vivek?! We knew this guy sucked, but holy shit.

Note six: Todd Blanche is testifying this afternoon in front of the House. We hope he has a terrible day. More: The Times Tribune

Note seven: Axios is reporting that Trump cussed out Bibi. Yeah, sure. Trump is a big tough independent guy who definitely started a dumb war in the Middle East on his own. And just a reminder that Axios has reported almost daily for weeks that Trump is about to make a deal to end the war. So you probably shouldn’t believe jack shit from them. More: Axios

Note eight: Pride Month is starting with a bang! A judge ruled that Trump’s attack on trans service members is discriminatory. Yeah, no shit. More: ABC News

Note nine: It’s a big Election Day in a lot of states. While we’ve been focused on California, make sure you follow the other big stuff too. More: Bolts Mag

Note 10: We don’t usually do two back-to-back video posts, but we think it works here. The first video is of Greg “Little Bitch” Bovino talking to a bunch of nazis…

Note 11: And the second is Markwayne saying he has no idea who the fuck Bovino is lolololol…

Note 12: We forgot to ask — are y’all rooting for the Knicks or the Spurs? Or do you not give a shit because you can’t focus on anything except the deaths of democracy and decency?

Note 13: We don’t love or understand why Jill Biden has made her husband’s health a headline story again, but we will always have affection for the Biden family. So we hate sharing this update on the former president’s health, but we figured you should know. More: HuffPost

Note 14: And since we’re talking about the Bidens, we want to congratulate Hunter on seven years of sobriety. God knows he’s done a lot of dumb shit, but so has Sam. More: US Magazine

Note 15: In case we haven’t been clear on this point, Jared Polis sucks and we fucking hate him. Literally everyone knew what would happen if he let Tina Peters out of jail and now here she is being the worst and undermining our democracy. Fuck all the way off, Jared.

Note 16: There is a Republican member of Congress who has been missing for months. He might be in rehab. He might be dead. Nobody knows. So of course Trump just endorsed the guy for reelection. More: HuffPost

Note 17: If you thought Bill Maher was pathetic for kissing Trump’s ass, just wait until you see him eat Spencer Pratt’s shit. Someone wanna get Bill some self-respect? What a fucking loser. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Both Rubio and Markwayne are testifying today. We sure hope our people are ready to make them miserable. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Ben Shapiro. No, really. You see, Ben’s media empire is going down the shitter and that brings us much joy. Fuck off, Ben! More: Vox

Note 20: And on that note of schadenfreude, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week so far. And if not, just remember that not everyone is a Donald. Some people are a Zohran. Love y’all!

Wut

We never properly celebrated the fact that Tulski Gabbard got her walking papers. Maybe because we figured the next hire would be worse. And we were right. Trump announced this morning that he put the Freddie Fannie guy who tried to go after Letitia James in charge of our national intelligence. Not only is Bill Pulte dangerously unqualified for this gig, but we know his only qualification is that he is willing to shamelessly go after anyone Trump doesn’t like. Frankly, we like that Trump is in this stage of desperation. It’s terrible for America and the world, but it makes clear what a weak loser he is.

More: CNBC

Speak up, Golden State!

It’s Election Day in California! Golden Staters are going to the polls to nominate candidates up and down the ballot, including candidates to replace outgoing Gov. Gavin Newsom. We’re really hoping that the state’s voters are able to shut out Republican candidates in the gubernatorial and L.A. mayoral races because we can’t stand the thought of spending the next several months hearing about how the state is going red. And Spencer Pratt is a fucking asshole who needs to lose badly. Do the right thing, California! (While we stay out of primaries, Sam is a Californian now and, if it helps, he voted for Becerra and Bass.)

More: AP, ABC7

Go off, Scott!

The new head of CBS’s 60 Minutes thought he would throw some bagels at the staff and give them some bullshit about his love of the show. Scott Pelley had other ideas. In a widely reported showdown, Pelley went off on Nick Bilton, the lackey Bari Weiss hired to turn the news magazine into a Trumpified joke. These are the kinds of guts we have been begging journalists to show for years now, and we are so grateful to everyone there who is holding the line and calling out the bullshit. It’s so easy to be heroic in Trump’s America. All you have to do is stay off your knees.

More: AP

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin is slated to appear Tuesday in the Senate to answer questions about the agency’s budget, at a time of intense scrutiny about how the Trump administration is carrying out immigration enforcement and preparing for the World Cup. More: AP

California Democrats persuaded voters to let them redraw the state’s congressional map so the party could potentially gain five seats in the U.S. House to counter GOP redistricting in Texas. Tuesday’s primary will be the first indication of whether that will pay off. More: AP

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Iowa Democrats on Tuesday will settle one of the party’s last competitive U.S. Senate primaries, choosing between two state lawmakers who each say he is better poised to flip a retiring Republican’s seat. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders said Monday that he is standing by Graham Platner in the wake of media reports that the Maine Senate candidate previously exchanged sexually explicit text messages with several women while he was married. More: AP

A federal judge on Monday ruled protesters criticizing President Donald Trump in an ongoing demonstration near the National Mall in Washington, D.C., cannot be forced to take down a flag reading “86 47,” concluding there is no indication it should be taken as a threat to the 47th president’s life. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it was another rough weekend for the Trump kids as their father once again opted to spend his free time crashing out on Truth Social instead of throwing a ball around with them. But that’s ok. It’s too late to save Don Jr. anyway. And for the first time in maybe ever, we actually enjoyed one of Trump’s social media freakouts. Because they confirmed for the billionth time that ol’ cankles is a big goddamn loser…

LOLOL!!! Well this is just the funniest, most pathetic shit ever. America is turning 250 and we can even get C+C fucking Music Factory to perform because the president of the United States is a radioactive pud. Like are we supposed to believe that Trump is doing great with the Iranians but lost a negotiation with Milli Vanilli? This ain’t just embarrassing for President Pisspants. This is embarrassing for all of us. America is basically the Starlight Lounge in Reno and even the Oak Ridge Boys are telling us they’re busy washing their hair.

The good news is they did find a replacement. The new lineup is The Fabulous JD and His Seven Sofa Sirens, Stephen Miller playing the triangle, Susie Wiles is gonna riverdance and Scott Bessent will be performing the National Anthem with a kazoo in his anus. We know it sounds awful, but it’s the best they could do. But don’t worry. They’re probably handling all the important shit just fine. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: California! We need y’all to step up this week. The primaries are tomorrow. We’re not telling you who to vote for, but we are telling you that Chad Bianco, Steve Hylton and Spencer Pratt are worthless pig-fucking shitbags. More: AP

Note three: And it ain’t just the Golden State. We’ve got a busy month of elections all over the freakin’ place. And as always, our friends at Bolts Mag have us covered with a comprehensive preview. More: Bolts Mag

Note four: The NBA finals are set! We’re not picking sides unless Trump starts claiming the Knicks. And then we’ll be Spurs fans for life.

Note five: Happy Pride Month!!! Piss off the bigots by embracing and loving your LGBTQ+ friends. Because what kind of fucking loser is still homophobic in the year 2026?

Note six: We did a bonus therapy session Friday. You can get caught up here if you missed it. We’re gonna try to do two or three of them this week.

Note seven: This story is fucking hilarious. Greg “Little Bitch Nazi” Bovino is trying like hell to stay relevant and start shit. Unfortunately, everywhere he goes has a sign that said “You Must Be This Tall to Start a Race Riot.” Poor Greg. More: Mother Jones

Note eight: We got some great news on Friday as a judge told Trump to get his fucking dirty ass name off our Kennedy Center. Trump took it really well. Just kidding. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: Trump’s slush fund for cop–beaters and pedophiles is on life support because even his own party is horrified by it. Or at least they claim to be. More: The Hill, NBC News

Note 10: We know we’re a broken record on this, but goddamn this guy is good…

Note 11: Tina Peters gets out of prison today. We sure hope Jared Polis spends the day eating shit. Fucking asshole. More: The Hill

Note 12: John Oliver brought the heat this week, laying out just how corrupt Trump’s pardons have been. We think this should be one of the Democratic House’s first non-ICE investigations. Because this is some of the most corrupt shit we’ve ever seen. More: HuffPost

Note 13: If you’re like us, you’ve been demanding House leadership get their asses on the ground where facism is flaring. So thank you to Hakeem Jeffries for doing exactly that…

Note 14: We don’t know what the hell Gov. Mikie Sherrill is thinking, but the riot cops outside Delaney aren’t the good guys. The protesters are. More: WHYY

Note 15: The MSM don’t care, but we think it’s actually a pretty big deal that the Minnesota Republican Party held a moment of silence for the piece of shit who murdered George Floyd. More: The Independent

Note 16: The Trump presidency is bad for everyone’s health. Including Trump’s. Yeah, on Friday his fake doctors released a bullshit report about his health. And ol’ boy has put on 14 pounds in the last year. Maybe his ample orange ass should stop calling other people fat. More: The Independent

Note 17: What the effing fuck even is this gibberish? He left the Iranian military alone? What?

Note 18: It should be a much bigger story that Trump is so close to the Epstein files that he is literally purging his party of anyone who tried to get the truth out. But also, Nancy Mace can eat a big pile of shit and we enjoy laughing at her misfortune. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to CNN. Hey they need the viewers and we felt like doing some charity work. But we wanted to highlight both-sides weasel Harry Enten’s take on where Democrats stand going into the midterms. We’ve got this, Sexy Patriots. Now let’s run it up! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that promising note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend and didn’t spend it getting told to fuck off by Milli Vanilli. Because that would be so pathetic it might make us cry. Love y’all!

Our Maine Man

Phew. This is a tough one, Sexy Patriots. Over the weekend, a former staffer for Graham Platner went public to the NYT and WSJ about Platner sexting with multiple women who aren’t his wife. Add this to the nazi tattoo stuff and horrifying Reddit posts, and it’s really not hard to see why so many Democrats are squeamish about this dude. But that ain’t our call. Frankly, we thought about this all weekend and our main takeaway is that we’re glad we don’t live in Maine and have to decide between an obviously and deeply flawed candidate (and human) and Susan fucking Collins. We tend to think Susan has done a hell of a lot more damage than Graham has, so we’re sure as not gonna give anyone any shit for supporting Graham. But we’re not gonna attack people who don’t either. Good luck, Mainers.

More: HuffPost

So long, 60!

So last week Bari Weiss fired the good journalists at 60 Minutes and replaced them with a lazy tech guy who has no broadcast experience. So surely it can’t get any worse, right? Wrong!

More like Kevin Asshead

Shit-eating grin guy Kevin Hassett hit the Sunday shows this weekend to tell us the economy is actually doing great. No one can afford gas or ground beef, but sure things are great. Now none of this is exactly breaking news, so why are we sharing this in the news section? Because we want you to see the video of this bitch making clear that the Trump administration is more worried about credit card companies than regular Americans. In a Democratic administration, this would be called a gaffe and a scandal. But with these fuckers, it’s just another Sunday…

More: bsky.app

About that Arrangement

We regret to inform you that Axios and their friends in the MSM got it wrong again. Despite telling us all on Friday that Trump and the Iranians were close to a deal, the missiles are still flying, the hardliners have taken power in Tehran and Trump is still stuck. Around 1 a.m. last night, Trump once again claimed that Iran is desperate to make a deal, and he blamed his American critics for constantly telling the truth about his weak (and bruised) hands. “Just sit back and relax,” he said. Sorry, but there is no universe where a rapist warmonger telling people to relax is actually gonna help people relax. Fucking creep. Maybe this week, Axios and other other beltway butt-smoochers should try confirming some shit before reporting it. Just an idea.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

The progressive political commentators Cenk Uygur and Hasan Piker said Monday they had been barred from entering the United Kingdom to speak at events. More: NBC News

Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear said Sunday that “Texas is in play” for Democrats in this year’s Senate race after state Attorney General Ken Paxton beat Sen. John Cornyn in last week’s Republican primary. More: NBC News

An experimental vaccine from Moderna shows promise in keeping deadly skin cancer from returning for years, according to new clinical trial results. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani did not attend an annual parade honoring Israel on Sunday, breaking with a decades-long political custom because of his support of Palestinian rights. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The world is getting more uptight about lending money to President Donald Trump’s government — causing interest rates to climb in ways that are worsening affordability pressures, hampering economic growth and creating a new risk for Republicans in November’s midterm elections. More: AP

Graham Platner’s wife called the media reports that her husband had previously exchanged sexually explicit text messages with several women “shameful” over the weekend, the latest controversy to hit the Maine Democrat’s whirlwind Senate campaign. More: AP

Serena Williams is officially making her comeback to professional tennis.

Williams, 44, first teased her return on Monday morning with a social media video from longtime sponsor Nike. In the 17-second clip, Williams can be seen on the tennis court walking over to her buzzing phone while text reading “Guess everybody heard the news” is then shown. More: ESPN

Note: To cuss or not to cuss? That is the fucking question. It might surprise you Sexy Patriots to know that we like the obscenities. Big time. We believe in extreme cussing for extreme times. But we know others can be squeamish about harsh tones and real talk. Especially when they see an unapologetic badass like this one…

Fuuuuuck yeah. Hello, new leader. Which battle or wall of fire may we follow you into? Because we approve the eff out of that message. Look, as guys who write a profane newsletter, we have been told more times than we can remember that we’d be a lot more successful if we didn’t use so many obscenities. And every time we said “fuck that shit.” We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — we’ll stop cussing when the evil sonsofbitches dismantling our country stop giving us shit to cuss about. And the generations coming behind us aren’t fucking around either. They’ve had it, and we don’t blame them one fucking bit. Gen Z has Gen Zero fucks to give.

So we get it if cussing ain’t for you. In fact we respect the shit out of that. But for a lot of us, it’s only natural when shit is this fucked up. And if nothing else, surely we can all agree to boo this sorry sack of shit…

BOOOOOO!!!!! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This has been a pretty fucked up week. Y’all want some extra therapy? Cool. How about 1:30 p.m. ET/10:30 a.m. PT? We’ll see you here or on YouTube!

Note three: “Vomiting virus is spreading across most of the U.S.” Well that’s a nice headline to wake up to. But don’t worry. We’re sure raccoon dick guy is gonna get on it after he does some blow off a toilet seat. More: NBC News

Note four: Californians! Have you voted yet? We need you to turn out and vote for Democrats. Especially if you live in L.A. We ain’t doing this Spencer Pratt shit. More: WFMD

Note five: This is the funniest thing to happen all week. Since Molly made this list, Bret Michaels has pulled out too. Do you know how fucking radioactive you have to be to be too toxic for the former lead singer of Poison?

Note six: We like Gretchen Whitmer, but she has seemed off her game ever since that Oval Office debacle. We’re not sure what’s going on with her 2028 messaging, but this ain’t ideal. More: AP

Note seven: And while we’re questioning people we adore, we’re not real sure why Dr. Jill Biden thinks we needed another discussion about her husband’s health right now, but the right-wing scumbags are sure enjoying it. More: WFMD

Note eight: While we were writing this morning, a judge temporarily blocked Trump’s slush fund for cop-beaters and pedos. Thank goodness for small miracles. More: CNN

Note nine: We’re all waiting to see if Trump has the stones to go get booed at Madison Square Garden, but we’ve got a Game Seven this weekend to focus on first. Two sweetest words in the English language — Game Seven. More: ESPN

Note 10: This guy sure makes messaging look easy, don’t he?

Note 11: The weirdos are very afraid of James Talarico. They’ve never seen a real man before. More: HuffPost

Note 12: You know how we know Stephen A. Smith is really a Republican? No, it’s not all the GOP lies and his endless attacks on Democrats. It’s that he never fucking stops whining. More: Awful Announcing

Note 13: The Hill is reporting that Trump’s latest attack on E. Jean Carroll is causing heartburn for Senate Republicans. Good. Fuck ‘em. That’s what they get for supporting a rapist. More: The Hill

Note 14: Trump is spending millions of our dollars to paint some horse statues gold. Is there even a White House press corps anymore or did they all just give up and go home? More: NOTUS

Note 15: The Onion had us laughing and then dry-heaving with this one…

Note 16: Hockey great Claude Lemieux took his own life this week. He was 60. You might wonder why we give a shit since he was a Trump guy. Well, frankly we don’t want anyone to take their own life and we thought this was a good opportunity to remind everyone that the crisis hotline number is 988. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 17: Putin is bringing us closer to a world war by accidentally bombing Romania. If only we had a president who would call him out or just stop sucking his taint for one damn second. More: NBC News

Note 18: Thank you to Kaitlan Collins for pushing arrogant freakshow Scott Bessent on that stupid $250 bill idea. If Bessent was a Democrat, all we would ever hear about is how out of touch he is. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we got nuthin’. Sorry, but that’s just the state of the world right now. Maybe you can tell us something good that’s happening in your life in the comments. In the meantime, here’s Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison because Bret Michaels did the right thing and this song still rocks… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that half-assed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And if you see Stephen Miller, don’t forget to call him an ugly fudge. Love y’all!

So long, 60!

Donald Trump has always hated 60 Minutes. So he got his billionaire butt-kissing friends to buy it and destroy it, and that’s exactly what has happened. Yesterday Bari Weiss announced she was firing some of the best journalists at the esteemed news program and replacing them with some asshole who has zero broadcast experience. Since Bari has already tanked CBS Evening News’s ratings and still has her job, we can only assume that the goal is not building numbers but satisfying Trump. So RIP to CBS News and 60 Minutes. And shame on the so-called journalists who haven’t said shit about their fired colleagues.

More: People

Iran or Iran’t

Yesterday Axios reported that the U.S. and Iran had a deal to extend the ceasefire, open the Strait of Hormuz and figure out the nuclear stuff later. Then Reuters and the NYTimes confirmed this scoop. And then nothing happened. If that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s happened like 50 fucking times and the press just keep falling for the same shit. We want this war to end, but we can’t imagine being so stupid that you still believe this White House at this point.

More: NBC News

Spill it, Pam

We put this here because we think it should be noted, but the truth is this is kind of a nothingburger. Pam Bondi is finally testifying in front of the House Oversight Committee today, but we’re not expecting much. Why? Well because as we mentioned earlier this week, Committee Chairman James Comer is doing everything he can to protect the Epstein class. And that includes letting Bondi testify without videotaping it or putting her under oath. So yeah, this is a fucking joke. But it’s also more fuel for our side to remind Americans that the entire GOP is engaged in this cover-up.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Democrats may be in a more celebratory mood than usual as they gather Friday in South Carolina, a state led almost entirely by Republicans.

The party is holding events days after the GOP-led state Senate shot down an effortbacked by President Donald Trump to redraw House district lines to help Republicans this fall. That move was aimed at ousting longtime Rep. Jim Clyburn, the state’s lone congressional Democrat and a party powerbroker who has been in office since 1993. More: AP

STAFFORD, Va. (AP) — A bus struck six vehicles on Interstate 95 in Virginia as traffic slowed for a work zone, killing five people and sending 34 to hospitals, state police said Friday. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Tomatoes, ubiquitous in everything from fast-food burgers to haute cuisine, are taking on a new role beyond the plate: A nagging reminder of rising costs. More: AP

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — A rocket belonging to Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin exploded during a test at the launch pad Thursday night, shaking nearby homes and briefly painting the sky orange. More: AP

WASHINGTON — An apparent “swatting” incident targeted the home of Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Wednesday night, police confirmed to NBC News. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump bought a load of Dell Technologies stock just months before the computer maker received a massive Pentagon contract, in yet another example of how the president can benefit financially from his work in the White House. More: HuffPost

New York Knicks legend Bill Bradley has dunked on Donald Trump’s NBA Finals plans.

As the Knicks head to the NBA Finals for the first time this century, Bradley told TMZ Sportsthat if the New York native president does follow through with his stated idea of attending one of the games, then he won’t actually be the star of the show. More: HuffPost

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! You’re looking even more sexy and patriotic than usual today. We don’t know how you do it. Put it this way — you are to hotness what Donald Trump is to stupidity and bad hygiene. Ok you got us. We are buttering you up because we need to ask for a favor. Normally we use this space for something funny to ease us into the shitshow. But today, with your permission, we’d like to just go the fuck off. Because of this…

Sonofabitch! That lowdown sleazy motherfucker. He’s literally using the Department of fucking Justice to go after a woman he raped and defamed. What a fucking goddamn piece of shit! We are in fucking Saddam territory now. This is the most heinous stank-ass bullshit we’ve ever seen. We have literal goddamn steam coming out of our fucking ears because this is fucking insane!!! Every time we think our passionate hate for this piece of shit has leveled off to a new normal level, he goes and finds a new Mt. Everest of suck and we find a capacity to hate someone we didn’t know existed. That’s not even good writing. That’s how fucking pissed we are. Goddamn we hate him. We really, really, really hate him. Just a miserable piece of wet hog shit. Fuck!

We take some comfort in knowing that E. Jean Carroll has already kicked this orange bitch’s ass all over the place many, many times, and we’re sure she ain’t sweating this shakedown from a bunch of cheap thugs. But it’s still one of the grossest fucking things we’ve ever seen, and we sure as shit won’t be forgetting about it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: While we’re all already furious, we thought we’d keep it going by sharing this story about Sam Alito’s scumbag son working for Trump at the Treasury Department. So much for draining the fucking swamp. More: NOTUS

Note three: Oh and Trump’s goons are trying to put his face on a $250 bill. Everyone shaking with rage yet? We swear that wasn’t our intention today. More: The Independent

Note four: If you need some therapy at this point, we get it. We did a session yesterday, and you can get caught up here.

Note five: This is for the seven of you who haven’t already punched a hole in the living room wall…

Note six: A Trump judge says he’s just fine with Trump’s attack on American elections. This asshole probably thinks he’s better than the Jan. 6 scum. But he’s really just one of them. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Now for some good news — Morris Day and the Time and Young MC have announced they will not be performing at Trump’s “Freedom 250” festival just one day after their involvement was announced. Phew. Thank goodness. Because we were pretty bummed to lose these guys to MAGA. More: Variety

Note eight: But don’t worry. Milli Vanilli will still be performing, and goddamnit that’s pretty perfect for Trump. More: The Independent

Note nine: In other concert news, Bruce Springsteen just rocked DC and he’ s coming back to give the finger to Trump with Tom Morello. We freaking love this. More: WUSA9

Note 10: Gavin Newsom drives us insane. But we appreciate that he probably drives the Trumpers even insaner. This is a baller move…

Note 11: Yesterday Trump threatened to blow up yet another country. It barely made the news. More: The Guardian

Note 12: The Democratic National Committee has called Stephen Miller an “ugly fuck.” We find this to be accurate and a welcome stating of fact. Stephen Miller is an ugly fuck. So is his wife and probably his kids. More: The Hill

Note 13: Trump says he doesn’t care about the midterms. That’s good. Because he’s going to get his ass whooped.

Note 14: Whoa. Talarico brought in $3 million in the 24 hours after Ken Paxton got the Republican nomination. No wonder Republicans are so scared of him. And his tacos. More: The Hill

Note 15: The founder of Students for Trump was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend. Be warned that the details are horrifying. This piece of shit is really angling for a cabinet position. More: Defector

Note 16: Btw, we’re still at war with Iran. We assume it will be over in two weeks. More: NBC News

Note 17: We really, really need to beat this creepy sonofabitch…

Note 18: It’s almost a new month, and that means a new list of important elections from our friends at Bolts Mag. Choose your fighters and get involved! More: Bolts Mag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re talking CBS. No, really. We want to thank student journalist Santiago Campos for calling out the corporate garbage at the network even though they gave him tuition money. Maybe some of the MSM journalists could ask him to borrow some of his courage…

Note 20: And on that note that made us stand up and applaud, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great and short week, and we hope today’s newsletter didn’t make you too fucking angry. But it sure did to us. Love y’all!

Day Onen’t

It turns out that President Shit-for-brains didn’t solve inflation on Day One like he said he would. Yeah, we’re shocked too. Trump’s dumbfuck war in Iran has sent inflation skyrocketing to its highest level in three years. The Federal Reserve’s measuring stick for inflation jumped to 3.8 percent in April. And if you take away food and gas, it still went up to 3.3 percent. This is why Trump and his scum are so desperate to rig the midterms. Because Americans are broke and fucking furious.

More: CNN

Comer’s Cover-Up

Rep. James Comer wants to be governor of Kentucky. He’s lucky that voters there don’t care about Republicans who cover for pedophiles because that’s exactly what Comer is doing. Pam Bondi is going to testify tomorrow. It will be behind closed doors, it won’t be videotaped and she won’t be under oath. So yeah, Comer is covering up the cover-up of a child rape ring. It’s pretty insane to us that the press doesn’t make a bigger deal of this, but we expect very little these days.

More: American Oversight

About that fucking laptop

For four goddamn years, all we heard was how corrupt Hunter Biden was. And then the Trump boys came along and made him look like the amateur he is. The Trump White House literally stepped in to steer a $620 million deal to one of Don Jr.’s companies. We know we could say this about a lot of things these days, but this is just open corruption and it needs to be called out. Loudly. And shame on every media outlet who spent years attacking Hunter but turn a blind eye to this crap.

More: ProPublica

Today’s clips

Gov. Gavin Newsom made it officially official.

He’s endorsing Mayor Karen Bass in her campaign for another term as mayor of Los Angeles. More: NBC Los Angeles

Quarterback Jaxson Dart has faced backlash after introducing Donald Trump at a recent political rally, with some defenders arguing the appearance was simply about honoring a president rather than endorsing Trump’s politics. More: MeidasNews

In the next five years, the Earth is overwhelmingly likely to surge again and again past the international climate threshold set as safe and shatter its hottest-year record along the way, according to new United Nations climate projections. More: NBC News

LOS ANGELES — Matthew Perry’s personal assistant was sentenced Wednesday to three years and five months in federal prison for giving the “Friends” star the ketamine injections that left the actor dead of an overdose in a hot tub back in 2023. More: NBC News

Former first lady Jill Biden said in an interview clip released Wednesday that she thought her husband, former President Joe Biden, was “having a stroke” during his critical June 2024 debate, which catalyzed the chain of events that eventually led him to drop out of the presidential election. More: NBC News

Immigration officers made more than 4,000 arrests and shot multiple people, two fatally, before “Operation Metro Surge” wound down in February, leaving an imprint on the psyches of young children that could haunt them for years, mental health providers say. More: AP

CBS News will not renew the contract of a “60 Minutes” correspondent whose segment on torture in Salvadoran prisons was initially pulled before it could air.

Sharyn Alfonsi told The New York Times that her current contract expired on Saturday and CBS News has no plans to renew it. More: HuffPost

More from Adam:

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we’ve been together for a long time now. For the last seven-plus years, we’ve been doing this newsletter, cussing Trump and Trumpism and occasionally fighting like an old married couple. At this point we are beyond friends. We’re like an old married couple. And that’s why Sam saw the results of last night’s Texas Republican primary and then felt comfortable busting Adam’s chops over this…

Oh-no. That’s a tattoo Adam got in honor of his son, who is named Paxton. That poor kid!!! It ain’t gonna be easy sharing a name with a Texas dirtbag criminal who also might become a U.S. Senator. Thank goodness the boy ain’t named Lindsey Graham Mike Johnson Parkhomenko (but Adam still inexplicably has that tattooed on his thigh). But Gross Paxton (as we will be referring to the Texas guy from now on) is a true menace to the United States. He’s a criminal, a cheater and someone who really loves pedophiles, including but not limited to Donald Trump. So there are plenty of reasons we need to elect James Talarico and defeat Ken “the Gross” Paxton.

But now we have a new one. We can’t let Adam’s kid grow up being bullied for having the same name as this despicable chode. We don’t want to be hitting y’all up for help with therapy bills. So we’re begging you, Texas. Don’t vote for the guy who puts pedophiles on the streets, cheated on his wife and took a shitload of bribes. We’d ask you to do it for America, but we doubt that means much to you. So do it for this adorable kid who has the misfortune of sharing a name with a scumbag. And let’s all be glad Adam’s son doesn’t have the same name as John Cornyn. Because “Loser Ass Bitch Boy” would sure be a rough name to live with. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You know what we need? Some motherfuckin’ therapy! We had to miss last week because of Sam’s travels, so how about today at 3:15 p.m. ET/12:15 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then! You can find us here on Substack or here on YouTube then!

Note three: Imagine being such a huge fucking asshole that Texas Republicans would vote for Ken Paxton but not you. Anyway, let’s all enjoy Chip Roy’s failure last night. Because that dude sucks. At least now he’ll have more time to spend eating shit. More: Politico

Note four: A three-judge panel, including two Trump judges, said that the Alabama congressional maps that SCOTUS approved are racist as hell. So we’re all eagerly waiting to see how SCOTUS rams them through anyway because they too are racist as hell. More: NBC News

Note five: Ken Paxton vs. this guy and it’s actually gonna be close. And Republicans still think they’re the good guys. Idiots.

Note six: Remember over the holiday weekend when all those gullible dumbshit reporters were once again reporting that Trump had a deal on Iran? Well you’ll never guess what happened next. More: NBC News

Note seven: Here are the celebs who have been invited to Trump’s despicable UFC fight at the White House. If Sandler goes, we will be crushed. And Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson can go fuck himself. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump says his physical yesterday went great. We don’t believe him. But only because he looks like a jack-o-lantern that was left out until Arbor Day. More: USA Today

Note nine: We will of course support the nominee, but we are damn sorry to see Rep. Al Green go down after he confronted Trump earlier this year. More: HuffPost

Note 10: WARNING! THIS VIDEO WILL WEIRD YOU OUT! But the weirdest part is that you’ll end up wishing it was the snakes who are in charge of our national health policies. And you’re left to wonder if he ate them or fucked them or both.

Note 11: Thank you to the Texas Democrats who saw through the GOP’s dirty tricks and nominated a real candidate instead of an antisemite. More: HuffPost

Note 12: California! Y’all are the next big primaries everyone will be watching. Now y’all know we stay out of primaries, but if it helps, we will share that Sam voted for Becerra and Bass. We don’t care who you pick as long as it ain’t a Republican or whatever the fuck Spencer Pratt is.

Note 13: CNN sucks, but this is pretty good. And pretty goddamn brutal.

Note 14: Trump is talking about going to a New York Knicks game in the finals and honestly we’ve never wanted anything more. Go get booed for two-and-a-half hours, you miserable piece of shit. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 15: We freaking adore Tom Hanks. And when he talks about America, we listen. Also it’s been forever since we saw Bachelor Party. You think it still holds up? More: HuffPost

Note 16: We forgot Tony Blair existed. Nice of him to remind us that he is a giant piece of hog shit. More: The Guardian

Note 17: When you put someone named Markwayn in a position of authority, you are just asking for dumb and awful shit to happen.

Note 18: Another person who was shitcanned for commenting on Charlie Kirk just got paid. We love seeing this happen. Maybe universities and big corporations should stop being such wusses. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Fox News. Yes, seriously. But only because we want you to see this badass resistor cuss out the Fox reporter. We love you, Jersey!

Note 20: And on that satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week so far and that your kids don’t share a name with horrible shit-eating scumbags. Love y’all!

Shame on U.S.

While Trump turns the White House into a UFC ring and continues to lose his war in Iraq, it can be easy for Americans to forget that he is running concentration camps in this country. So we are grateful to the Associated Press for taking a deep look into the increase of suicides by ICE detainees. This is why Markwayne and Trump won’t let Democrats inside these facilities. Because they are so horrible that people who came here believing in America are killing themselves. It feels like we are at the beginning stages of finding out just how depraved and fucked up the Trump administration really is. And we already know a lot.

More: HuffPost, AP

Yay Cocks!

Sorry, we couldn’t resist. The University of South Carolina’s mascot is the Gamecocks and everyone calls them the Cocks and we are very immature. But what’s not immature is the way South Carolina Republicans shockingly defied Trump yesterday and didn’t pass legislation to draw new congressional maps that would have gotten rid of Jim Clyburn’s seat. We’ll be honest and tell you we didn’t see this one coming. Let’s hope it sticks because y’all know how these guys turn to oatmeal when Trump starts threatening them.

More: NBC News

Pucker up!

Trump and his gang of butt-smoochers were supposed to be going to Camp David today for a Cabinet meeting. Instead, they will have it at the White House. We sure love these because there’s nothing like watching a bunch of Epstein dudes sit around kissing Trump’s big orange ass and telling us all how great everything is. We’re curious how many people in that room have filled up their gas tanks lately. Because you fucking know Trump never has.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — U.S. military contractors need at least three years to replenish stockpiles of three key weapons systems used heavily in the Iran war, according to an analysis released Wednesday, adding to concerns that American forces would have limited firepower in any future conflict with China. More: AP

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Win or lose, billionaire Democrat Tom Steyer will leave a mark in the history books in his bid to become California’s next governor — he’s running the most expensive political advertising campaign in the country this year. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Joe Biden sued the Justice Department on Tuesday in an effort to block the release of audio recordings and transcripts of the former president’s interview with a ghostwriter that were obtained by the special counsel who investigated his handling of classified documents. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A Justice Department indictment against the Southern Poverty Law Center is part of a “top-down” campaign of retribution against President Donald Trump’s perceived political enemies and constitutes a vindictive prosecution that must be dismissed, lawyers for the nonprofit argued Tuesday in urging a judge to toss the case out. More: AP

The head of one of the country’s largest teachers unions called for limits on technology in schools in a speech Wednesday, including blocking most students from using computers in class until they reach third grade, prohibiting student-facing AI in elementary schools and banning “social companion” chatbots until age 16. More: NBC News

Most voters don’t know who their city attorney is — or even what that person does. It is “one of the most important, but often least understood, positions in the city,” according to LA City Attorney candidate Marissa Roy. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be back with you after our Memorial Day holiday. We appreciate you giving us the day off so we could chill with our families, remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for this country and get called “Dumocrats” by a draft-dodging dipshit who spent the weekend surrendering from his surrender. But now we’re back and so is President Shit-for-brains, who is off to yet another medical exam today. And from the way that decomposing motherfucker was looking this weekend, ol’ Water Reed might not let him out…

WAKE UP, ASSHOLE! Jeez. Even the cryptkeeper thinks Trump looks like shit. How can someone so rotten still be rotting? His cankles have spread to his hands and his tail finally fell off. His hands look like dirty plums, and we know he’s got the mini-mushroom peen going on. So while we’re not doctors, we are comfortable making a prognosis — Donald Trump is a sick fuck. In every way you can imagine.

Now normally we’d tell him to take some livestock medicine and go suck on a crystal rock, but we’re feeling compassionate today. So instead, our prescription for Trump is to eat shit, fuck off and then kiss our asses. Because that guy is sick and his health sucks too. Oh well. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey speaking of the president’s health, when is Jake Tapper’s book coming out? Surely that arrogant dishonest shit doesn’t just care when it’s a Democrat. Right?

Note three: The Texas Senate run-off is today, and Trump has gone all-in for the scummier of the two candidates. We assume Texas will too. More: HuffPost

Note four: We saw people posting this story about the origins of Memorial Day and thought it was important to share. Especially since the president of the United States is a racist asshole who sucks. More: TIME

Note five: Well, the Knicks are in the NBA finals. We’re calling it the Mamdani Effect.

Note six: RIP to Sen. John McCain’s oldest son. We’re kinda shocked Trump hasn’t said something awful about this. More: USA Today

Note seven: While we were gone, your Justice Department was hard at work scrubbing the crimes of terrorists and pedophiles before giving them your money. Man, this is fucked up. More: AP

Note eight: We don’t want to be premature, but it sure looks like California dodged a big bullet this weekend with a chemical tank. Thank you to all the workers who spent their Memorial Day weekend preventing catastrophe. More: NBC News

Note nine: Another man was killed by the Secret Service after opening fire on the White House. If we were Trump, this would cause us to reflect on just how much we blow. More: NBC News

Note 10: Are we the only ones sick of this weirdo and his shit-eating grin telling us how fine and dandy the economy is doing?

Note 11: The brain-worm-felcher-raccoon-dick guy tried to take on Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel fucked him up. It’s not great that the guy in charge of our health believes every idiotic thing he reads on the internet. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Dana White, the UFC guy who beats his wife, said Trump can’t be racist because he let his kids play with Michael Jackson. LOLOL!!! Man, he can be racist and a shitty father at the same time. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We’re this close to converting to Catholicism because man this new Pope sure gets it. His take on AI this weekend was brilliant and desperately needed. So of course the usual assholes are butthurt about it. More: NPR

Note 14: RIP to Sonny Rollins. Man, what a giant. More: TMZ

Note 15: These are the same soulless fucks who call Barack Obama divisive.

Note 16: Elon had a very Elon weekend. And by that we mean he blew up a rocket and called it a success. More: AP

Note 17: Bill Ferguson is the Democratic president of the Maryland state Senate. He has been a total wuss on redistricting, but he seems to be slowly getting a fucking clue. With Democrats like this, who needs Republicans? More: The Hill

Note 18: Last week we told you about the Broadview Six. Then we found out the prosecutor was fucking working for Dick Durbin’s committee. We are so excited for Dick Durbin to go the fuck away. More: NOTUS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Monroe, Michigan, where Stephen Colbert and some folks from Michigan put a huge smile on our face last week. CBS was so pissed they tried to stop it and only reminded everyone how much they suck butt. Hard to describe how much we freaking love this.

Note 20: And on that brilliant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely Memorial Day weekend and are ready for a hot and probably stupid summer. We know we sure are. But that’s only because it doesn’t look like our hands are about to explode. Love y’all!

Go Tom!

We want to be clear that we are not Thomas Massie fans. But we sure do love the way he fucks with Trump. Massie is promising to be a major thorn in the cankles for the next seven months, but he apparently wants more. Just days after losing his primary to a Trump lackey, Massie has filed to run again in 2028. He’s also not done talking about Epstein and the survivors and that’s why we’re really kinda sorta rooting for this lunatic.

More: WLWT, NBC News

ICE ATTACKS U.S. SENATOR

We put that shocking news in all caps to make up for the lack of outrage from the mainstream media. Detained migrants are on a hunger strike over conditions at Delaney ICE detention in Newark. So Gov. Mikie Sherrill and Sen. Andy Kim and a few others went there and tried to get in. Not only were they denied entry, but they were pepper sprayed by ICE agents. This is apparently not a big deal to the news media. But it sure is fuck is to us. Just look at these goddamn pictures! More: The Hill

Here we go again… again

You’ll be shocked to hear that Trump didn’t solve his Iran problem over the weekend. Despite skipping his son’s wedding LOL, Trump spent the weekend posting on Truth Social about a deal coming together right before Israel attacked Lebanon and the U.S. started dropping more bombs. So yeah, there ain’t no deal. And considering that Trump now wants all the Arab countries to support Israel as part of a deal, we’re guessing there won’t be one anytime soon.

More: NBC News, NBC News, NBC News

Today’s clips

A bystander who was struck by gunfire after a man fired on a checkpoint outside the White House and was fatally shot by U.S. Secret Service officers remained in serious but stable condition Sunday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Congressional Black Caucus on Tuesday called on major corporations across the U.S., including those that previously expressed support for voting rights and racial justice, to oppose redistricting efforts by Republican-led states that seek to eliminate majority-Black U.S. House districts. More: AP

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Leo XIV made a historic apology on Monday for the Holy See’s role in legitimizing slavery and for having failed to condemn it for centuries, calling the Vatican’s record a “wound in Christian memory.” More: HuffPost

Drew Carey ripped into former reality TV star and Los Angeles mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt, calling him a “serial scammer.” More: HuffPost

Megyn Kelly leveled a list of vicious personal accusations against President Donald Trumpduring an unfiltered podcast appearance, claiming he’s a serial cheater while resurfacing rape allegations his first wife, Ivana Trump, made and then later retracted. More: HuffPost

Critics blasted White House communications director Steven Cheung over his latest profane social media post targeting a former top official in Donald Trump’s administration. More: HuffPost

The U.S. men’s national team will unveil its roster for the FIFA World Cup on Tuesday, finalizing the squad that will try to capture the U.S. its first title in the world’s biggest soccer tournament. More: NBC News

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, Donald Trump sucks at a lot of things. He’s a sucky president, he’s a sucky husband and he’s a sucky American. He’s just an all-around sucky suck-ass who sucks. But man, the thing he sucks at the most might be being a father. Look at this messed up shit…

LOLOLOL!!! He’s known his son for a long time? Man, you can just feel the fucking love, can’t you? Trump can’t even remember his son’s name and he’s named after Trump. We’re just shocked that the same guy who used to send his kids down to hang out with Michael Jackson (true story) would skip his son’s wedding to instead play golf and jerk off on Truth Social. And who’s the pregnant dude behind Trump? Is that Junior’s baby? Is that why he’s getting married? And is it true Junior is getting married to the pile of cocaine from the end of Scarface? Because they actually do make a nice couple.

We know there’s a lot of horrible shit going on, but most of it is happening because of the horrible shit in that video. So fuck him and his ugly family. Junior, we wish you all the happiness you wish for the rest of us. So none, you coked out fucking asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Looks like Ebola is spreading rapidly thanks to Elon and Trump. Is there any way we can make sure those sonsofbitches get it first? We’re eager to see how they’re gonna kill Herman Cain again. More: AP

Note three: So there’s a big beltway kerfuffle over the DNC autopsy. We’re not playing along because it’s stupid. All of this, including the way it was handled, is stupid. We lost for a lot of reasons. Let’s not fucking do it again. More: NBC News

Note four: Mitch McConnell is furious about Trump’s slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles. Yeah, we were shocked. We had no idea Mitch was still alive. More: The Hill

Note five: Are the Knicks going to the conference finals? Because we’re getting into apocalypse territory here…

Note six: Mike Little Johnson and House Republicans were about to lose their vote to limit Trump on Iran, so they pulled the vote. Cowards. More: NBC News

Note seven: So Trump didn’t get anything on his China trip except humiliation. But that isn’t stopping him from doing Xi’s bidding. Dude sure has a thing for dictators. More: NBC News

Note eight: Even Fox News now has Trump’s approval rating in the 30s. And Republicans are stuck with him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! KEEP KISSING THAT ORANGE ASS, FELLAS! More: HuffPost

Note nine: We freaking love that Trump is going to Mike Lawler’s district. That way Lawler can kiss his ass and eat his shit at the same time. Good luck defending the economy, dudes. More: AP

Note 10: Now this is some messaging we can get behind…

Note 11: RIP to Kyle Busch. We didn’t know much about the NASCAR driver and he was probably all Trumpy, but man 41 is too damn young to die. More: AP

Note 12: You wanna hear something really fucking funny? Uncle Fester Fetterman thinks he has a future in politics. LOLOL! Sure, champ. You can also go play for Knicks and be an astronaut! More: HuffPost

Note 13: We hate this weird loser more every day. What the effing fuck is wrong with this dude?

Note 14: It’s so disgusting that Lupita N’yong’o has to defend herself from racist scum like Elon Musk. Why the hell isn’t Elon Leon being asked about his obvious racism? More: HuffPost

Note 15: For years now, right-wing Trump scum and former U.S. soccer player Alexei Lalas has made a living by being an asshole. But here’s a little secret — Lalas was a pretty shitty player who couldn’t hang with today’s crop. Also he looks like Trump’s anus. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Trump was going to sign an order regulating AI until an AI bro who used to work for him called him and told him to stop. It’s a great way to run a country, ain’t it? More: NBC News

Note 17: Just a reminder that few people in our party are doing it better than AOC these days…

Note 18: A District Attorney was putting student protesters through hell. And he just got removed from the case because he was using the nightmare to raise money. Disbar his ass! More: BoltsMag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here’s a real president and a real man wishing the best to Stephen Colbert. Thank you, Mr. President.

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING — We’ve always loved The Far Side comics, and we figured y’all might like this one too. We can’t put our fingers on why though…

The Jerk Store Called
So last night was Stephen Colbert’s final show, and he finished with Paul McCartney, who is a pretty great guest to get. And then Stephen probably went to celebrate a helluva run with friends and family and people who like him. But Donald Trump doesn’t have that so he was up at 2 a.m. celebrating the end of Colbert’s show and calling him a “total jerk.” So Trump hasn’t lowered prices or ended the Russian war against Ukraine, but he took down Colbert and that kind of stupid shit is really all Republicans care about anyway. We look forward to seeing all the great things Stephen is going to do in his future. More: HuffPost, Variety

Chickenshits
Republicans made a run for it yesterday. Yeah, Senate Republicans were supposed to push through their big bill to give more money to ICE thugs and instead they left Washington altogether. It turns out even Republicans are queasy about Trump’s slush fund to pay off dirtbag criminals, so they had Trump attorney (and AG) Todd Blanche come join them for lunch. It didn’t go well. In fact, it went so badly that they didn’t even vote and instead went on recess. That’s a shame. We’re really excited for every last one of these assholes to tie themselves further to Trump and all his dumb shit. More: AP

Sue Their Asses
Remember congressional candidate Kat Abughazaleh and the other badass protesters who were arrested outside the Broadview facility in Illinois? Well yesterday federal prosecutors dropped all the remaining charges against Kat and the Broadview Six, and it turns out there was some seriously fucked up funny business going on. The prosecutors were caught dismissing grand jurors who wouldn’t go along with their schemes and then got caught trying to cover it up. If anyone deserves some of that bullshit justice fund, it’s these folks. And Kat is already talking about suing these scumbags. Thank you to these tough-as-nails activists who have been in the streets fighting back. More: WTTW

Today’s clips
House Republicans on Thursday delayed a vote on a war powers resolution that would restrict President Donald Trump’s ability to continue U.S. military operations in Iran after it became clear that the legislation would pass. More: NBC News

The Democratic National Committee plunged into a fresh round of chaos Thursday after Chair Ken Martin was forced to release an autopsy report he commissioned about the failed 2024 presidential campaign. More: NBC News

HELSINGBORG, Sweden (AP) — NATO allies and defense officials expressed bewilderment on Friday at U.S. President Donald Trump’s announcement that he would send 5,000 U.S. troops to Poland just weeks after he ordered the same number of forces pulled out of Europe. More: AP

CORONA, Calif. (AP) — No one would call California Trump country. But a vicious U.S. House primary is playing out southeast of Los Angeles where two Republican incumbents wedged into the same district are fighting over their MAGA bona fides and loyalty to the president. More: AP

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Tennessee officials on Thursday called off the lethal injection of Tony Carruthers, who was convicted of kidnapping and murdering three people in 1994, after his executioners tried and failed for over an hour to establish an intravenous line. Gov. Bill Lee announced soon afterward that the state would not try again for at least a year. More: AP

“Late Show” host Stephen Colbert ended his long-running series on Thursday with something unusual: He never mentioned President Donald Trump by name.

In fact, he only made one subtle reference about the president. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you today? Yeah, us too and it’s about to get way fucking worse. While we remain our usual sunny and optimistic selves, we must all reckon with the fact that tonight will represent a disgusting victory for Trump, a sad day for comedy and free speech and a giant shitstain on everything we all thought this country was about. We are of course talking about Stephen Colbert’s final show tonight.

Everything about this is bullshit. Colbert is even number one in late night, so you know it ain’t about ratings. It’s about corporate slime who bought CBS so they could fire a comedian who made fun of the president. And it’s about that president being such a thin-skinned limp weiner that he will gloat and cheer this obvious attack on free speech. Trump might not know this because he’s originally frum Dumfuckea, but in this country, we’re allowed to make fun of the president. Hell, we even let the racist scum ask for their birth certificates if they want to. But this is New America where you can’t ask the president about the rapists he’s pardoned and paid or about his weird orange skin, fucked up hair and crazy goddamn bruises.

Well here at TheAltMedia we say fuck that shit. There is no goddamn universe where we will ever stop mocking and laughing at that becankled shit-for-brains gameshow host piece of human garbage. Fuck him, fuck his limp weiner and fuck his ugly family and their limp weiners. And fuck this dark day for America. Goddamnit. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Associated Press

Note two: LOLOL!!! You know how we keep hearing about Trump’s iron grip on the GOP? Well they just tanked his ballroom because even they’re not that stupid. More: Politico

Note three: Trump sent some weirdo to Greenland to creep out their kids. Remember when America wasn’t embarrassing? More: HuffPost

Note four: It should be a bigger deal that some racist scum shot up a mosque in San Diego. And it sure as shit should be a bigger deal that the president’s friends were making horrifying comments as it was happening. More: NBC News

Note five: Want to be super ashamed to be an American? Oh we’re too late? Well check out this video anyway. We don’t know if it’s Trump asking the stupid questions, but we wouldn’t be surprised…

Note six: Looks like a former federal prosecutor was caught trying to get us all the truth. Kash Patel is throwing the book at this woman for emailing herself the Jack Smith volume that Aileen Cannon is hiding from us all. Seems like Cannon is the one who should go to jail. More: NBC News

Note seven: It has taken way too fucking long, but the msm have finally realized that Trump pardoned a child molester. It only took the prospect of Trump putting tax dollars in his pocket for people to give a shit. More: HuffPost

Note eight: A judge is ordering Trump to comply with the Presidential Records Act. We’re sure he’ll get right on that. More: MSNOW

Note nine: Vanessa Trump has breast cancer. And the only thing we hate more than the Trumps is cancer. So yeah, we’re rooting for her. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Whoa. This guy is describing a real shithole. Hey wait a minute…

Note 11: Thank you to Harry Dunn and Daniel Hodges for suing to keep our money out of the pockets of Jan. 6 scum. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Yiiiiikes. Trump’s approval is down to 34 percent, according to Quinnipiac. Voters hate him, they hate his cabinet and they hate everything he is doing. Other than that, he’s crushing it. More: CT Insider

Note 13: Just a reminder that Jon Ossoff is really, really good at this…

Note 14: Spanberger vetoed a bill that would have set up a cannabis retail market. So that fucking sucks. More: WTOP

Note 15: The fucking Proud Boys are gonna be millionaires for attacking our Capitol and assaulting some cops. What a fucked up country. More: HuffPost

Note 16: This one is pretty funny. It turns out nobody is naming their kid Vance anymore. And even fewer people are naming their kid Ass-Kissing Couchfucker. We think JD is the reason for both. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We’re gonna talk Cuba in the news section, but man even the right-wing freaks have had enough of Trump’s chaos.

Note 18: Google has sucked for a while now, and it’s about to get worse. Man, we sure do hate tech bro assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we were kinda stumped. So in honor of the NBA playoffs, here’s Marvin Gaye singing the National Anthem at the 1983 all-star game. We watch it because it reminds us there’s a lot of good in this country worth fighting for.

Note 20: And on that goosebumps note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are surviving the weekend ok. Be sure to tune in to Colbert tonight to really drive up his numbers and make clear what shit-eating dumbfucks are running CBS these days. Love y’all!

More War
Someone really needs to tell Trump that he can’t start his next war until he’s finished his last one. Or maybe he should just stop starting wars altogether because what the fuck? Yesterday, DOJ indicted 94-year-old Raul Castro for doing some shit that Pete Hegseth also does, and they hinted that the U.S. will go get his old ass if need be. So yeah, the chatter is picking up that Trump is going after Cuba next, and we are done wondering if anyone could truly be that stupid. We already know. So get ready for more chaos, death and stupidity courtesy of the spoiled rotten chode who thinks he’s playing video games. More: USA Today, More: The Hill

To Live and Die in L.A.
Los Angeles, it’s now crystal damn clear — a vote for Spencer Pratt is a vote for Donald Trump. Spread the word. While we’ve always known Pratt is a Trump dick, Trump confirmed it yesterday by calling Pratt “a big MAGA person” and wishing him well. So yeah, the Ghislaine Maxwell treatment. Pratt, or “the Crystal Daddy” as he is also known (we wish we were making that up), has become a hero to the very online right. That’s why we’re thrilled to support literally anyone else. And for what it’s worth, we think Karen has done great work in impossible circumstances, and we are quite intrigued by Nithya’s candidacy as well. So fuck Trump and fuck Pratt. More: LA Times

Censure for a Suck-ass
We would like to thank the Colorado Democratic Party for voting last night to censure Trump bitch Jared Polis. Polis commuted the sentence of election denier Tina Peters, lied about why she was in prison to begin with and then started patting himself on the back. Well now he’s not allowed to speak at Colorado Democratic events anymore and his own party hates his guts. This is what happens to people who start believing their own bullshit. Fuck you, Jared. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Control of the House of Representatives could come down to four pivotal battleground races in Pennsylvania. More: NBC news

An Air France flight bound for Detroit was redirected to Canada after a passenger from Congo boarded “in error” amid the Ebola outbreak in central Africa, officials said Wednesday. More: NBC News

A Democratic outside group is unleashing an early attack on one of the contenders in the hotly contested Minnesota Senate primary, underscoring how the fight for the future of the party is reaching new heights. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The House is expected to vote on legislation Thursday to compel President Donald Trump to withdraw from the war with Iran, a significant test of lawmakers’ willingness to go along with a conflict the president launched over two months ago without congressional approval. More: Associated Press

WESTFIELD, N.J.— Rep. Tom Kean Jr. hasn’t been seen in Washington for more than 75 days. Speaker Mike Johnson says he hasn’t spoken to him recently, and his neighbors in suburban New Jersey say they haven’t seen him either. More: NOTUS

Bruce Springsteen delivered a blistering message aimed at Donald Trump on Wednesday during the penultimate episode of “The Late Show.” More: HuffPost

Note: And we’re back! We’re so sorry we had to take the day off yesterday. We’re even sorrier that we have to report such shit news to y’all today. Because things are going from ugly to fugly. The election results are reminding us we are up against an actual cult of dumbshits, and the president’s slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles is reminding us we’re in hell. And then this sloppy sonofabitch went and reminded us yesterday that we don’t hate him enough…

Boo-fucking-hoo. No, JD, we don’t sympathize for pedophiles who attack our Capitol because we’re not fucking idiots or dirtbags. We leave that to the Republican Party. We realize that a shocking number of Americans will buy whatever these assholes are selling, but surely a $1.8 billion slush fund that Trump can give to the scummiest of scumbags is a step too far. Right?

Anyway, the purpose of today’s opening note is to ask you to step up your hatred for JD. We know you already hate him, but we want you to dig deep and hate him more. Pretend you’re his couch. If this sad sack suck-ass wants to support paying off pedophiles, then we need to remind him of it at every turn. It’s bad enough he works for one. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: White House communications director Steven Cheung has a message to Republicans. He told them to “fuck around and find out.” We have a message for Steven Cheung — wear a bag over your head so you stop scaring children. More: Yahoo News

Note three: Couchfuck said a lot of stupid things yesterday. But we’re curious if the guy who became a Catholic 10 minutes ago really wants to be lecturing the Pope. More: HuffPost

Note four: The race to replace Mitch McConnell will be Democrat Charles Booker vs. Republican congressman Andy Barr. Charles is Black, and Andy ran ads saying “it’s not a sin to be white.” So expect this race to be disgusting. And you can also expect Andy to win because after all it is the same electorate that voted for Mitch. More: NBC News

Note five: You can’t imagine the MSM outrage if Obama or Biden had called high gas prices “peanuts.” Jake Tapper would have dressed up like the QAnon Shaman and stormed the White House.

Note six: Well fuck. Despite our winning streak in Georgia, the GOP incumbents on the Supreme Court just won re-election. Not great. More: Bolts Mag

Note seven: It really should be a much, much bigger deal that Trump has been caught insider trading. But JD’s “c’mon man” is very convincing. More: CNBC

Note eight: It’s hard to express how much contempt we have for Senate Democrats who are voting to confirm judges who go along with Trump’s Big Lies. Fuck every last one of these people to hell and back.

Note nine: Putin and Xi are hanging out together. Isn’t it nice how Trump brings the world’s worst people together? More: NBC News

Note 10: Oh so now this is a crime?! What happened to America the land of the free?!

Note 11: We’re not saying that miraculous Knicks comeback last night was because of Mamdani. But we’re not not saying it either. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 12: Now that Bill Cassidy has lost his primary, he suddenly believes in the Constitution and voted to limit Trump’s war powers. Weird how losing helped him find his nuts. More: The Hill

Note 13: In the old movie City Slickers, Daniel Stern’s character tells his wife that “if hate were people, I’d be China.” That’s how we feel about Jeff Bezos. Fuck that pathetic ass-kisser.

Note 14: Some dirtbag cops in Tennessee didn’t like a post a local man made about Charlie Kirk. So they locked him up for a month. And now they’re having to pay him because this is still kind of America. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Remember the Dixie Chicks? Well now they’re just the Chicks. But they’re still awesome as evidenced by Natalie Maines calling Trump a “fugly slut.” Well said. More: HuffPost

Note 16: RIP to Barney Frank. As the first openly gay congressman and a proponent of Wall Street reform, he did a lot of good. He also said a lot of dumb shit on his way out. More: NBC News

Note 17: We’ve been waiting a long time for someone to take on this garbage Reagan quote…

Note 18: We’re seeing more wildfires in California. And we know that there are a lot of assholes out there who see this as an opportunity for more politics. Fuck that. Please be safe, Golden State. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Colorado. Jared Polis has decided he’s a big hero after letting Tina Peters go. So THANK YOU to the protesters who showed up to tell him otherwise.

Note 20: And on that not satisfying enough note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. But we get it if you’re super pissed off because we are too. Like someone buying a futon from JD off Facebook, we feel ripped off and in need of a shower. Love y’all!

A New Heist
We’ve all been rightfully focused on how Trump’s bullshit fake settlement with the IRS will create a slush fund for Trump’s army of scum. But it’s also super fucking egregious that part of the deal says that neither Trump not his dirtbag sons can ever be audited or investigated by the IRS ever again. So he can steal as much as he wants, rip off as many people as he wants and the IRS is barred from asking any questions. LOL. Fine. Fucking do it. This sure makes for a slam dunk campaign line for the 2028 Democratic nominee. More: CNN

He Has a Type
The run-off election in the Texas U.S. Senate Republican primary is next week, and Trump finally made his endorsement yesterday. Despite all the intense butt-kissing Cornyn did, Trump went with Ken Paxton. Probably because they’re both criminal scumbags who like cheating on their wives. It was actually really hilarious yesterday watching people like Susan Collins talk about how disappointed they were by this decision because Cornyn is their friend and Paxton is a degenerate nutjob. The upshot for Democrats is that this is great news for James Talarico. More: The Hill

Missing Massie
Well, now we know that Kentucky Republicans are fine with protecting rich pedophiles. Rep. Thomas Massie, who joined with Ro Khanna to force the release of the Epstein files, lost his primary yesterday after being targeted by Trump and more than $30 million in spending from pro-Israel groups. Massie took some shots at Israel, his opponent and Fox News in his concession speech. He also reminded everyone that he still has seven months left in office to cause trouble. We’re not gonna shed any tears when a right-wing Republican loses, but this one stings because we are grateful for what he did on behalf of the Epstein survivors. Let’s hope he uses the rest of his term to raise some hell and spends a lot of time reminding everyone that he lost because his political party is the Epstein Party. More: Slate More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
ORLANDO, Fla. — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league is cooperating with Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier after being issued a subpoena. More: NBC News

Political operative and longtime Trump ally Michael Caputo filed the first known claim for the Justice Department’s new “anti-weaponization” fund Tuesday, seeking $2.7 million in restitution. More: NBC News

Former Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms has won the Democratic primary in Georgia’s race for governor, NBC News projects. More: NBC News

BUNIA, Congo (AP) — Anxious healthcare workers in eastern Congo said Wednesday they are under protected and undertrained in the face of a rapidly spreading outbreak of a rare type of the Ebola virus in one of the world’s most remote and vulnerable places. More: Associated Press

SAN DIEGO (AP) — Two teenagers who shot and killed three people in an attack on a California mosque were radicalized online where they first met and shared white supremacist views, according to authorities and writings they authored. More: Associated Press

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we don’t thank you enough for all that you do. You’re being constantly trolled by the leader of your nation, gaslit by the media and fucked over at every turn. Coffee costs a goddamn fortune, and the New York Times hates you. Still, you get up every day and go to work defending American democracy and exemplifying American decency. It’s so brave and so needed. So it really fucking pisses us off when you get sold out by someone who claimed to be on your side…

Those are our rational and civil ideas. Our other ideas involve building a giant catapult that’s capable of launching a dumb sellout motherfucker into the goddamn sun. We would also be cool with some kind of Edgar Allan Poe-like scenario where Polis is sealed inside a ripe porta potty and left there forever. So it’s probably a good thing for everyone that we’re seeing more and more progressives in Colorado call for Polis’s censure or impeachment since those are nicer ways to deal with him. Give that asshole a wedgie while you’re at it and make it atomic because fuck Polis and fuck Tina Peters.

We keep hearing all these different things Democrats have to do in order to save their brand. Well here’s an idea — stand for something and don’t be fucking wimps about it. Nobody respects a wuss. And nobody respects Jared Polis. The fucking asshole. Y’all have a blessed day. More: BBC

Note two: We have an unfortunate programming note. Sam is traveling at shitty hours tomorrow, so we’re gonna need to take the day off. We promise to be back Wednesday with all the updates. Please remember that tomorrow is an Election Day in several states, so if people are voting near you, join them and don’t vote for any assholes.

Note three: The AP is reporting this morning that Trump is withdrawing his $10 billion lawsuit against the IRS. He is instead going to use our money for a slush fund for his scummy terrorist friends. The AP is also treating this like it’s totally normal because they suck. More: Associated Press

Note four: The U.S. Supreme Court quickly told Virginia Democrats to go fuck themselves over redistricting, which everyone saw coming. The move here was to ignore the state Supreme Court, but Democrats just don’t think like that. More: NBC News

Note five: The Christian right freaks gathered in D.C. this morning. And even though Trump stood them up to go golfing, they are still praying for him. And his fucking ballroom apparently…

Note six: Bill Cassidy lost his primary this weekend after Trump went scorched Earth on him. Cassidy voted to impeach Trump after Jan. 6 but then he turned into a puss and voted to confirm the cocaine toilet seat guy. So not only is he leaving, but he’s leaving in disgrace and maybe killing lots of kids in the process. Great work, Bill. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Trump is also looking for someone to run against Lauren Boebert. Why? Because she voted to release the Epstein files. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Hey California, today is the deadline to register to vote for the June primary. California has same-day registration, but don’t fuck around. Make sure you’re registered and vote to keep the scary people out of office.

Note nine: So Ebola is back. Thanks, Elon! More: NBC News

Note 10: We want to be very clear about something — if you prefer Tucker Carlson over AOC, you are not a leftist. You are a fucking moron who is way too goddamn stupid to be playing around with politics.

Note 11: Oof. The New York Times has Trump’s approval at 37 percent. Maybe they’ll stop kissing his ass and carrying his water now. More: New York Times

Note 12: Trump is still threatening Iran and those guys don’t really seem to give a shit anymore. Yeah, after a while, everyone just starts ignoring the guy who cries civilizational devastation. More: NBC News

Note 13: We’re celebrating the Senate Parliamentarian after they ruled that Trump’s $1 billion ballroom was out of order. We’re guessing Republicans are more relieved about this than we are. The extra funding for CBP was also ruled out of order. Suck it, Trump! More: Associated Press

Note 14: We have always been big fans of Rep. Steve Cohen ever since he was a state senator in Nashville and chatting with a very young Sam in the hallways of the Tennessee state capital. Steve announced he is retiring instead of running in one of the state’s new bullshit districts. Thank you, Steve, for a lifetime of service and for all those Warren Zevon stories. More: NOTUS

Note 15: Some Trump voters are really starting to feel regret. Good. Fuck ‘em.

Note 16: Stephen Colbert’s last show is this week. Remember that CBS is not bringing him back because the network was bought by Trump scum. It’s been gratifying to watch the support Stephen has received from his fellow late-night hosts. More: Rolling Stone

Note 17: Byron Allen, who is taking over Colbert’s spot, is vowing no politics. That’s because Byron Allen is a bitch. More: Fox News

Note 18: Just a reminder that Trump spent last week groveling to the communist dictator of China and got jack shit for it. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Trump. Yeah, we were shocked too. But he doubled down on saying that he doesn’t care about Americans’ financial situations and we’re showing everyone. Keep talking, asshole!

Note 20: And on that painfully out-of-touch note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready to kick some ass this week. Unless you’re Jared Polis. Then you can eat shit, fuck off and kiss our asses. Love y’all!

We ride again
Over the weekend, thousands of Americans marched in Selma and Montgomery, Alabama. Why? Because we need them to. With Jim Crow making a comeback thanks to John Roberts and his racist court, the civil rights movement is making a comeback too. While the msm largely ignored these massive marches, voters in those areas sure didn’t. While it really and truly sucks that we are back at this place in history, this weekend was a good reminder that we have gone up against these forces of evil before. And we beat their asses. More: Alabama Reflector, India Times

Wrong Nationalism
You see some really gross shit in Trump’s America. For example, a gross right-wing chode and his buddies spent the weekend unfurling a racist banner at a Washington Nationals game. Yeah, Jan. 6 scum Jake Lang rolled out his gross banner calling for 100 million deportations right before he was kicked out and banned from the stadium. We’re seeing a crazy uptick in the number of racist influencers, and we do not like it. At least now we know we can go to a ballgame without running into them. More: The Hill

Bluegrass reckoning
Shit is getting real in Kentucky this week. Voters there will decide tomorrow if it was a good thing that Thomas Massie forced the release of the Epstein files or if they want to cover up the child rape scandal on behalf of their orange god. Massie is a nutjob, and we wouldn’t normally piss on him if he was on fire. But he has done the right thing on this Epstein business, and it will really suck if he loses. Do the right thing, Kentucky. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
The judge overseeing the state murder trial of Luigi Mangione, the man accused of gunning down UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, ruled Monday that prosecutors can use a gun and a notebook as evidence. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — House Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., weighed in Friday on domestic abuse allegations Rep. Max Miller’s ex-wife has made against the Ohio Republican, saying “he’s got to work that out.” More: NBC News

BOISE, Idaho (AP) — All four crew members ejected safely after two Navy jets collided and crashed Sunday during an air show at the Mountain Home Air Force Base in western Idaho, officials said. More: Associated Press

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — An effort to reshape South Carolina’s congressional districts will get its first full airing Monday in the state House, as lawmakers launch a lengthy and potentially testy discussion on whether to accede to President Donald Trump’s desires for a U.S. House map that could yield a clean sweep for Republicans. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Thousands of people streamed onto the National Mall for a daylong prayer rally Sunday billed as a “rededication of our country as One Nation under God.”

Against the backdrop of the Washington Monument, worship music blared from a stage that made clear the event’s Christian focus. Arched stained-glass windows, set underneath grand columns resembling a federal building, depicted the nation’s founders alongside a white cross. More: HuffPost

“Last Week Tonight” host John Oliver paid tribute to late-night rival Stephen Colbert in the closing moments of his show that aired on Sunday. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! Before we all take some time to enjoy this weekend and the remaining hours that President Dumbshit is out of the country, we wanted to break some news. As you know, the Washington Post is a sad, corrupt billionaire’s bitch taint of its former glory. And today we have learned that they have replaced the motto “Democracy Dies in Darkness” with “Fuck Them Poor Kids and Fuck Their Parents Too.” Yeah, it’s not that catchy, but they seem committed to it…

Yiiiiiiikes. So has everyone always been a hateful asshole or is this new because of Trump? Because holy fucking shit some of these freaks are just pure evil. There are reasons to not like Gavin Newsom.This ain’t one of them. In fact, you’d have to be a real heartless piece of shit to be opposed to this. The paper that exposed Watergate and brought down Nixon is now trying to bring down clothing poor kids. That’s not a fall from grace. That’s a psychotic break from humanity. How long until they’re running recipes for cooking and eating the homeless? When do we get a first-person travel piece from Bezos about hunting orphans for sport?

So our plea to you is please keep being your wonderful, awesome, compassionate, caring, loving, accepting and sexy selves. Because we desperately need you to balance out the American Psychos who are running amok at the Washington Post. Those sonsofbitches are fucking terrifying. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Kash Patel went snorkeling at the USS Arizona when he claimed to be working. But also what kind of fucking ghoul goes snorkeling among the corpses of dead U.S. sailors? More: HuffPost

Note three: Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito were big mad yesterday so something good must have happened for women. The abortion pill will remain available. But sadly it is too late for either of those gentlemen’s parents to take one. More: NBC News

Note four: Oh look. Another creepy asshole in Congress. Can we just throw them all out and start over? More: NBC News

Note five: Someone show this to John Roberts’s bitch ass…

Note six: Trump is very excited about his new nickname for us. We’re very excited for more people to watch this decomposing motherfucker explain it. LOL. Talk about loser shit. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Steve Kerr has always been so courageous in speaking out against Trump and gun violence. And Wright Thompson is maybe the greatest living American writer. When they both come together, it’s magic. More: ESPN

Note eight: The head of Border Patrol stepped down. Here’s a story from a month ago about how he loved to travel overseas for prostitutes. Remember when shit like this would have been a big scandal? More: Washington Examiner

Note nine: Trump’s friend Putin killed some more children. Remember when cankles was gonna end this war in one day? More: NBC News

Note 10: How many times does Trump get to accuse the New York Times of treason before they start doing But Her Emails coverage of his scummy ass?

Note 11: The good news is Mitch McConnell is about to no longer be in the Senate. The bad news is that whoever replaces him will be just as bad if not worse. More: Associated Press

Note 12: A new generation of racist scum also means a new generation of courageous civil rights warriors. We wish they weren’t forced to take up this fight. But we’re grateful that they are. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Israel says it will sue the New York Times over a Nick Kristof reported column that alleged pervasive sexual violence from Israeli soldiers. The NYT has stood by the column despite intense pressure to retract it. Frankly, we believe the NYT. More: The Guardian

Note 14: Gym Jordan had a rough night on CNN last night. It was so bad that Gym Jordan says he didn’t see a thing. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Here is Trump admitting that his stupid war has been a windfall for oil companies and he doesn’t care about how that affects “the little man.” Try to imagine the coverage if Obama had said anything like this…

Note 16: How unpopular isTrump’s war? Three Republicans in the House joined Democratic efforts to rein it in. Unfortunately, fuckhead Democrat Jared Golden voted for more war. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Should we all pretend to be shocked that Trump is trading stock in companies whose future he can influence? Yeah, fuck that. More: NBC News

Note 18: RIP the amazing Clarence Carter. For your listening enjoyment, here’s Strokin’... (WARNING: HIGHLY SEXUAL LYRICS; LIKE SERIOUSLY WE FORGOT HOW DIRTY THESE LYRICS ARE BUT IT SURE IS FUN)

Note: 19: We don’t want to ruin your weekend but…

Note 20: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to CBS, where David Letterman joined Stephen Colbert for a message to the network’s new asshole overlords…

Note 21: And on that well-said note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend and don’t spend it being mad that poor babies are getting free diapers. Because what kind of fucking asshole would do that? Love y’all!

A Heist
You know how Trump is suing the IRS and that’s a totally normal thing for a sitting president to do? Well apparently, he’s decided he will drop the suit in exchange for $1.7 billion in taxpayer dollars that would go to a slush fund that Trump can give to Jan. 6 scum or whomever he wants. He wouldn’t even have to tell us where the money is going. Even for this piece of shit, this is pretty goddamn corrupt. We dare him to do it. More: Associated Press

Turn Off the TV
So y’all know we’ve been screaming that Los Angeles cannot and should not elect Spencer Pratt as mayor. He’s a spoiled rotten scumbag reality show guy who has spent most of his adult life selling crystals when he wasn’t selling underage photos of Mary-Kate Olson to TMZ. Well, TMZ has become Spencer’s worst nightmare, reporting yesterday that Pratt already has a deal to film a reality show as mayor of L.A. if he wins. We don’t think this guy has a snowball’s chance in hell, but this should finish him off. More: TMZ, More: Variety

The End
Trump is on his way back from China and holy fucking shit was it ever a disaster. He spent so much time groveling and going out of his way to trash America and Biden. He refused to say if the U.S. stands with Taiwan. He fawned over Xi’s fucking ballroom. And he mostly kissed Xi’s ass, repeatedly talking about what a great world leader and friend he is. Xi did not say the same about Trump. Trump spent the whole trip being thirsty, as the kids say, and we are deeply embarrassed. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Africa’s top public health body has confirmed a new Ebola outbreak in Congo’s Ituri province.

A total of 246 suspected cases and 65 deaths have already been recorded in the new outbreak, the Africa Centres for Disease Control and Prevention said in a statement on Friday. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Louisiana voters will participate in a revamped and stripped-down state primary Saturday and decide the political fate of an embattled Republican U.S. senator targeted for defeat by President Donald Trump. More: Associated Press

The Pentagon has canceled plans to temporarily deploy 4,000 U.S.-based troops to Poland, two U.S. officials said, a surprise decision that renews questions about President Donald Trump’s expected troop cuts in Europe. More: NBC News

Donald Trump used part of his interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity, which aired on Thursday, to launch yet another attack on a female journalist.

This time, CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell — who interviewed Trump for “60 Minutes” in April — was the target. More: HuffPost

As Stephen Colbert’s tenure at CBS draws to a close next week, the “Late Show” host didn’t miss the chance to take some final shots at the network during Thursday’s show.

Colbert mocked the fact that CBS News anchor Tony Dokoupil was unable to get a visaahead of President Donald Trump’s state visit to China this week, forcing him to broadcast from nearby Taiwan. More: HuffPost

Donald Trump asked Chinese leader Xi Jinping if he took other leaders to the Zhongnanhai garden where they strolled on Friday, prompting mockery about the president’s thirst for “validation.” More: HuffPost

There are no known cases of hantavirus in the United States as of Friday morning, garnering a sense of hope stateside amid a global outbreak that has killed three people, sickened 11 and forced dozens into quarantine. More: NBC News

A mother of a 10-year-old boy said Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.) “crossed a line” by blasting her son’s essay on electric vehicles in a scathing letter that accused the child’s teachers of “indoctrinating him.” More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another day of Stupid America Self Destructs. Jim Crow is rising, gas prices are too and the dumbshit-in-chief is in China getting his ample and wrinkled ass handed to him. So with all these important and concerning developments happening, we just have to ask… WHY THE FUCK DOES HE STAND LIKE THIS?!

What in the world? Oh wait. Oh right. Now we know. It’s been a long time, but we do recognize this stance. This is the Poopie Pants Stance. One of us — we’re not gonna say who (it was Sam) — may or may not have crapped his pants when he was a kid (it was two weeks ago). And he may or may not have a recollection of doing a cowboy walk in an effort to keep the poop from spreading everywhere and ruining his pants. He stood exactly like the president did in this New York Times photo. And it is not hard to imagine that Donald Trump is the kind of man who has had to throw away many, many pairs of wrecked trousers.

Now we can’t confirm that Trump stands like he just learned about standing because he filled his diapers. But it sure looks like it and we will probably start calling him President Poopie Pants. And hey, isn’t it nice when he takes a break from shitting all over us to shit himself? Thank goodness for small miracles. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yeah, we probably need more therapy. But we just had a session yesterday, and if you missed it, you can get caught up here…

You can read the comments that took place during the live here!

Note three: Btw, we talked a little about that Martin Short documentary that just came out on Netflix. Sam saw it last night, and it is as fabulous as Marty. Highly recommend.

Note four: So you’re not gonna believe this, but Rand Paul’s son is a drunken nazi piece of shit. Ok so you will believe it. More: NOTUS

Note five: Yesterday we talked about the loss of trailblazer Jason Collins. Last night, the NBA guys did too. We get so fucking frustrated with Sir Charles, but we forever love the way he rides for the LGBTQ+ community.

Note six: As you know, Trump is in China and getting just strait (get it?) up owned by Xi. If you pray, pray for Taiwan. Because you know Trump doesn’t care about them. More: NBC News

Note seven: It’s pretty embarrassing the way the Chinese are publicly mocking Trump. Xi told him that he hoped they can avoid the “Thucydides Trap.” Every single person on the planet knows that Trump has no fucking idea what that means. That’s some A+ trolling. More: CNBC

Note eight: We reluctantly learned about an asshole who calls himself Chud the Builder who goes around filming himself calling Black people the n-word and daring them to fight him. Well, he’s been arrested. We were hoping for a different ending. More: Yahoo

Note nine: It’s a great time to be a scummy white criminal. Just ask Alex Murdaugh. More: NBC News

Note 10: President Obama is calling out Trump’s bullshit more and more. Thank goodness!

Note 11: Couchfuck and Trump are going to kill Californians because they don’t kiss Trump’s ass. They are cutting off $1.3 billion in Medicaid funds. This will kill people. And we know these corrupt motherfuckers don’t care about fraud. More: NBC News

Note 12: We forgot to mention that Trump fired the head of the FDA. Why? Because he wouldn’t approve flavored vapes fast enough for some corrupt assholes at Mar-a-Lago. More: The Guardian

Note 13: There are heroes walking these streets every damn day. We see them. And we thank them for their service.

Note 14: Time did a puff piece on Nicki Minaj. We will not be linking to that dumb shit.

Note 15: Miami is suing Trump over his library. And man we really need to stop calling it a library because you know there ain’t gonna be so much as one goddamn book in there. More: NBC News

Note 16: VP Kamala Harris put SCOTUS on blast over its racist bullshit. As usual, she was right about everything. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Don’t let the press coverage fool you. America hates Trump.

Note 18: We want to continue to highlight the work of L.A. Taco, who are doing such a great job telling powerful stories of people who have been hurt by Trump’s ICE thugs. It’s damn fine journalism they’re doing, and we are grateful. More: LA Taco

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Louisiana, where one resident is sick and tired of being sick and tired. We almost made this the opening note without comment because he says it all better than we can…

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week and not pooping yourself like the president of the United States. Love y’all!

This Asshole
Yesterday it almost happened. The Senate came closer to limiting Trump’s ability to wage war. We actually picked up Lisa Murkowski, who appears to have gone completely sour on this dumb shit. But there was one spoiled rotten fuckhead who just loves war. John “Uncle Fester” Fetterman was the deciding vote to defeat the resolution. It’s a good reminder that Fetterman is a spoiled rich kid who loves sending other people’s kids to fight. We hope he enjoys the last couple years of his career. Fucking asshole. Why doesn’t Lurch sign the fuck up and go? More: New Republic, More: WESA

Strait Up Fucked
Republicans keep going on television to say that the U.S. has secured the Strait of Hormuz. That is a big ol’ lie. Iran says that about 30 ships have gone through the Strait with their permission and after paying a toll. A UAE ship was apparently seized and is headed to Iran. So yeah, this motherfucker ain’t open and anyone who says it is is either lying or an Iranian official about to collect a toll. More: HuffPost

They Hate Him Too
We hate to give credit to CNN, but they did notice something important. While a lot of us were noticing that Xi didn’t bother to meet Trump at the airport, CNN noticed that Chinese citizens are all over social media attacking and mocking Trump. Why does this matter? Because in a country with that much censorship, the government would have to allow all these posts. And they are. Xi knows that Trump is the easiest mark in history. So he can get his band to play YMCA to Trump’s face and then let the whole country make fun of him. Between this and the Iran lego videos, we don’t think we’re actually all that respected around the world these days. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
A Democratic grassroots organization seeking to conduct at least 500,000 substantive conversations with voters across the battleground map this year announced Thursday it is expanding its list of targets to more than 60 contested congressional and state races. More: NBC News

Activist Denise Powell won the Democratic primary for one of Democrats’ best pickup opportunities this fall after a prolonged vote count in an Omaha-based congressional district. More: Politico

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick in closed-door testimony to Congress refuted accusations that he maintained a relationship with Jeffrey Epstein years after he claimed he had cut ties. More: Politico

Sebastian Gorka, a senior director for counterterrorism in Donald Trump’s White House, said Wednesday the president has written a letter to Vice President JD Vance outlining exactly what should happen if he is killed by a foreign power. More: HuffPost

A “CBS Evening News” cameraman collapsed while live on-air in Taiwan early Thursday morning after suffering an apparent medical emergency. More: HuffPost

‘Late Night’ host Stephen Colbert revealed the one thing he’ll miss the most about his CBS show, which is slated for cancellation next week, during a special episode of the “Strike Force Five” podcast with fellow late-night hosts Seth Meyers, John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. More: HuffPost

CARACAS, Venezuela (AP) — Twice this week, U.S. President Donald Trump has expressed interest in turning Venezuela into his country’s 51st state. The latest came via a Truth Social post Tuesday with a map showing the South American country filled with the U.S. flag. More: Associated Press

The World Cup final will feature a star-studded halftime show headlined by Madonna, Shakira and boy-band BTS. More: Associated Press

A spiritual adviser for President Donald Trump forgave the president’s sexual misconduct ― alleged and otherwise ― in a startling interview with The New Yorker. More: Associated Press

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we can be a bit old fashioned. We open doors for people, we use “ma’am” and “sir” and we still think the words of the president of the United States should matter. Crazy, right? So we think it should be a HUGE FUCKING DEAL that Dumbshit said this yesterday…

Sonofabitch. If he’d talked another five minutes, he would have confessed to all of the Epstein crimes and kidnapping the Lindbergh baby. Seriously?! Is he worried about Americans’ financial situations? “NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!” How the fuck is this guy president? If you don’t mind, we’re gonna go off for a second and give this the kind of hysteria that the big papers save for private email servers and baskets of deplorables…

THIS IS A SCANDAL! THIS IS A GAFFE! THIS IS A MASSIVELY FUCKED UP THING FOR THE PRESIDENT TO SAY. REPEATEDLY. AND IT WOULD HAVE DESTROYED EARLIER PRESIDENTS BECAUSE THE PRESS WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED. OBAMA AND BIDEN WOULD NEVER AND COULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT. BUT NEITHER WOULD ANYONE ELSE WHO ISN’T A GREEDY OUT-OF-TOUCH SOCIOPATHIC ASSHOLE. WHERE IS THE FUCKING MEDIA TO TELL THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY THAT BALLROOM BOY DOESN’T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT THEM?! GODDAMNIT!

We needed that. America does too. So maybe the New York Times can reprint it. We give them our permission. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Clearly we need some therapy. How about y’all? Does today at 4:00 PM ET/1:00 PM PT work? Ok cool. We’ll see you then.

Note three: We want to thank House Oversight Ranking Member Robert Garcia and the Epstein survivors for testifying publicly in Florida yesterday. They continue to cry for justice while the MSM largely moves on. We’re grateful for their courage and their determination. More: Oversight Democrats

Note four: When Trump isn’t spending our money on ballrooms, arches and bullshit, he’s putting it in his dirty fucking pockets. Again, this kinda thing used to be considered scandalous. More: Independent

Note five: If we seem more cranky than usual this morning, this might be why…

Note six: The Nebraska Senate primary was yesterday and it’s weird. We’ll let these folks try to explain what happened. More: NBC News

Note seven: Chris Van Hollen made Kash crash out yesterday. It was a horrifying performance by the FBI director. And we will say this for the millionth time — Van Hollen should have asked Kash if he’d been drinking that morning. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Mike Little Johnson was on Fox News this morning pretending to give a shit about racism. Meanwhile, his party is about to wipe out a third of the Congressional Black Caucus. More: NBC News

Note nine: South Carolina Republicans actually shocked us yesterday by refusing to draw new maps. Then we found out why. Turns out they’ve already racially gerrymandered their state as much as humanly possible. So yeah, fuck them. More: NBC News

Note 10: This is Mayor Mamdani doing huge things and telling voters about it in a cute and memorable way. Instead of being scared of this guy, Democrats should be taking notes…

Note 11: E. Jean Carroll still hasn’t been paid by the man who raped and defamed her. Because we’re all waiting to see if his buddies on the Supreme Court give him a pass. Which they will because everything sucks. More: NBC News

Note 12: Trump said he knew a guy who could re-do the Reflecting Pool. Now he says he never met the guy. This all seems totally aboveboard. More: The Hill

Note 13: President Obama was in Texas yesterday. Isn’t it nice to see video of a president with children and not have to worry for the kids’ safety?

Note 14: We had missed this but Trump’s endorsed candidate in the California gubernatorial race doesn’t know what a street taco is. If we’re gonna deport anyone, it should be this asshole. And Elon. Definitely Elon. More: The Guardian

Note 15: We sure hate Trump. But we can’t help but love that he’s gonna make his party vote on his fucking ballroom. Have fun, shitheads! More: Associated Press

Note 16: There’s a Republican congressman who has been missing in action for two months and nobody knows why? Normally we’d condemn this kind of thing, but we’re really hoping the other Republicans join him. More: NBC News

Note 17: Rep. Virginia Foxx is an absolute nutter. These folks sure do hate teachers and children.

Note 18: ICE is a lawless organization of violent thugs. And most judges agree with us. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to follow up on yesterday’s rant about AOC and MTG. This clip of AOC being asked about her presidential aspirations is why we stan. This is how it’s done. But also we sure hope she runs against Schumer.

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far. But we understand if you’re not. Unlike the president of the United States, we actually do care about you and your financial situations. And he can fuck all the way off. Love y’all!

Rest easy, sir
This one broke our hearts. Jason Collins, the first openly gay NBA player, died from brain cancer yesterday. He was only 47 years old. He wasn’t just the first openly gay basketball player. He was the first openly gay male athlete in any of the four major sports leagues. Per Dave Zirin, Collins wore number 98 to honor Matthew Shepard. Collins was a real trailblazer. A real hero. A real baller. RIP. More: USA Today

Please keep them!
Trump and his corruption crew have landed in China, where they were greeted by adoring crowds who are probably thrilled by the way Trump is wrecking America and our standing in the world. But Trump didn’t go alone. He also took Elon, Tim Cook and Eric Trump. Oh and Lara Trump for some reason. Our guess is that Trump gives China Taiwan and maybe Delaware and then comes back and tells us how great it went. But we’re holding out hope that they keep him over there. More: Independent, More: MSNOW

He really doesn’t care
Trump lies a lot. But we think he was being honest when he said he doesn’t care about our financial situations. Because that motherfucker hasn’t done shit to curb inflation. In fact, his dumb ass has made it worse. Wholesale inflation jumped 6 percent last month, the biggest jump since 2022. A lot of it is high gas prices, but food is also crazy expensive. Anyway, we had a WHOLE FUCKING PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN about inflation and instead of doing shit about it, we’re getting arches, ballrooms and bullshit. Great job, America. More: CNBC

Today’s clips
NEW YORK (AP) — Senate Democrats plan to force several votes on the Trump administration’s dismantling of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, a maneuver aimed at making vulnerable Republicans take politically difficult votes in an election year. More: Associated Press

BATON ROUGE, La. (AP) — Republican senators in Louisiana advanced a plan Wednesday to eliminate one of two majority-Black, Democratic-held congressional seats following a U.S. Supreme Court ruling that struck down the state’s U.S. House map as an illegal racial gerrymander. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — David Venturella, a former executive at a private prison operator, will serve as the acting head of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the Trump administration says, after the agency’s current leader steps down at the end of the month. More: Associated Press

The Israeli military has leveled whole areas of towns and villages in southern Lebanon as it presses on with plans to establish control in the area during a Trump-declared ceasefire, satellite imagery, video and photos show. More: NBC News

ATLANTA — Brad Raffensperger, a Republican candidate for governor in Georgia, said Tuesday there was an “active threat” near a planned campaign event a day after, his campaign said, authorities received a message targeting him. More: NBC News

A longtime supporter of Donald Trump from Connecticut dialed in to a C-SPAN show this weekend to express his utter disappointment and frustration with how the president’s second term is playing out. More: HuffPost

Note: Sometimes you just have to laugh, Sexy Patriots. Especially when a dumb orange sonofabitch gets a taste of his own medicine. So what has our hot asses cackling this morning? This poll showing that a majority of Americans aren’t sure if the attempts on Trump’s life are real or not…

LOL. Now let us be clear — we are not laughing at the attempts themselves. We are a hard no on political violence even if the politician is the biggest piece of shit in the history of pieces of shit. But c’mon. The sociopath who lies about literally everything from rigged elections to made-up awards to club golf championships is probably bummed because now people don’t believe this shit either. Sorry but not sorry because that is fucking hilarious. What’s good for the goose is good for the asshole birther.

Sorry, pal. The very fabric of reality is a lot like Iran — you broke it; you bought it. And while it sucks that no one knows what’s real anymore and we are running at lightspeed toward a depressing and dystopian future, at least President Shithead is getting hit by some of his own bullshit. Believe what you want, Sexy Patriots. We’re not your moms. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Republicans are racist. We don’t really know how it can get anymore fucking obvious. More: Yahoo

Note three: Trump wants Congress to suspend the gas tax because he royally fucked up and his Iran war is hurting everyone. More: NBC News

Note four: It’s Tuesday so people are voting. If they’re voting where you live, please join them and vote against the assholes. More: NBC News, More: Bolts Mag

Note five: We weren’t kidding about Trump falling asleep in the Oval yesterday. They tried to tell us he was just blinking, but we ain’t never seen a motherfucker blink for 19 seconds. If there was ever a president who needed wokeness…

Note six: Virginia Democrats are asking the U.S. Supreme Court to save them from the state Supreme Court. Why not just ask Santa? Seriously. The court ruling is bullshit. Implement the maps anyway. More: CNN

Note seven: Hegseth is testifying again today. We are begging just one Democrat to push back on his temper tantrums by asking him if he’s been drinking this morning. More: Associated Press

Note eight: You know all those lectures we get about lowering the temperature and watching our rhetoric? Well they don’t seem to apply to the president who keeps calling for Obama to be arrested for treason. So the civility police can kiss our asses. More: Independent

Note nine: This joke about Melania is tasteless and very funny. More: HuffPost

Note 10: If you think we’re sexy (patriots) and you want our bodies, come on, SPs, let us know. That’s our Rod Stewart impression. Maybe we should just quote what he says here…

Note 11: John Fetterman thinks it’s funny that Trump called a woman reporter “piggy.” Does John Fetterman not own a fucking mirror? More: The Wrap

Note 12: We sure are glad we aren’t so goddamn shit-for-brains stupid that we would buy a cell phone from the Trump University guy. More: The Hill

Note 13: Don Jr. ain’t too bright. He gets it from his dad.

Note 14: While we were writing this morning, the new inflation numbers came out. Didn’t we have a whole fucking presidential campaign about this? Because we sure as shit don’t remember anyone talking about Greenland and golden fucking arches. More: ABC News

Note 15: Louisiana is throwing out 45,000 votes, and the scumbag governor says it’s “no big deal.” It’s hard for us to imagine anything more un-American. More: HuffPost

Note 16: The Lakers got swept last night. Many people are calling it The Curse of Spencer Pratt. Seriously, LA, please don’t vote for that chode. More: Yahoo

Note 17: What the effing fuck does “under-babied” mean? And why does the toilet seat cocaine guy keep talking about teenage boys’ sperm counts?

Note 18: Watch this Tennessee teenager read a bunch of scummy adults for filth after they circled the wagons around a creeper. Shame on this town if they don’t vote every single one of these fuckers out. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to some dark places. Y’all know we abhor political violence. But we’re actually pretty cool with sanctioned, legal violence. So we don’t mind celebrating a little bit that Trump kiss-ass and all-around asshole Jake Paul got fucked up so badly in his last fight that he might not be able to fight again. LOL. Sucks to suck.

Note 20: And on that bloodthirsty note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and that you aren’t falling for any online hoaxes or staging any fake assassination attempts. Just kidding. Maybe. Love y’all!

The Great Wank of China
Well, America is about to get less sucky for a couple of days as Donald Trump is leaving. Unfortunately, he will come back at some point, but he’s off to China for a long-awaited meeting with the world’s new dominant super power since we pretty much squandered everything. Trump is taking Tim Cook and Elon Leon with him, so yeah China is about to regret ever extending the invitation. We assume Trump will use the trip to give away Taiwan and get Ivanka some more patents. DON’T COME BACK!!! More: NPR, More: CNBC

Shithouse?!
We’re including this in the news section just because the MSM would have gone fucking crazy over this had it been Obama or Biden. Yesterday, as part of his evening ramblings to a group of law enforcement officials, Trump called the White House a “shit house.” We suppose that makes him the shithouse rat. You seriously can’t imagine the outrage if President Obama had said anything like this. It’s beyond infuriating. Trump is welcome to move. We suggest hell. More: HuffPost

John Crow strikes again
If there were any doubts about whether the Supreme Court is doing everything it can to hurt Black voters and save Republicans this cycle, then they were laid to rest yesterday. In a shockingly inconsistent decision, Sam Alito and his gang of scum said Alabama can throw out the maps (that SCOTUS ordered drawn just three fucking years ago) and force new ones even though the primary is on Tuesday and people already voted. The Republican majority suddenly isn’t worried about interfering in elections or causing confusion. It’s pretty clear at this point that the entire GOP apparatus is terrified we might actually win this November and they are doing everything possible to stop that from happening. We’re gonna have to work our asses off to overcome this. But we will overcome this. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
A campaign advertisement supporting Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ky.) in a Republican primary election against challenger Ed Gallrein shows a Star of David behind a Jewish donor supporting Gallrein. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is scheduled to see doctors for a medical and dental checkup this month — his fourth publicized visit to medical experts since returning to office — in what the White House describes as an annual physical and regular preventive care. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Workers began preliminary surveys and testing Monday of the proposed site of a Triumphal Arch sought by President Donald Trump, the latest step in plans for the contentious project in the nation’s capital. More: Associated Press

A lot of people on social media have beef with a British-born man running for governor of California ― and it’s all because of a taco. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump nominated Cameron Hamilton Monday to lead the Federal Emergency Management Agency, a notable comeback for the former Navy SEAL who was fired from his role as FEMA’s temporary leader last year after he defended its existence. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court is leaving women’s access to a widely used abortion pill untouched until at least Thursday, while the justices consider whether to allow restrictions on the drug, mifepristone, to take effect. More: Associated Press

The company that operates online learning system Canvas said it struck a deal with hackers to delete the data they pilfered in a cyberattack that created chaos for students, many of them in the middle of finals. More: NBC News