Love,

Adam and Sam

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Note: Well holy shit, Sexy Patriots. Things sure are coming unglued fast here in America. We know we’re in the silly season, but we didn’t expect shit to get this silly so quickly. Yesterday, before the president of the United States LIED about where he was and what he did on Sept. 11, his daughter posted the most what-the-effing-fuck video we’ve seen in a while. And, well, you just have to see it for yourself…

So she can’t afford to fill up her car either, huh? You can tell she’s really feeling the pain of the American consumer and riding a stallion on a beach in solidarity with the rest of us. We couldn’t get past just how tone deaf and out-of-touch this shit was so we reached out for an interview. Here now is our chat with Ivanka’s horse…

Us: Hello there, you beautiful creature.
Ivanka’s Horse: You can call me Jeffrey. Jeffrey Epstein.
Us: Ivanka named her horse Jeffrey Epstein?!
Jeffrey Epstein the Horse: Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up, right? The other horses won’t come near me.
Us: Yes, that is fucked up. Speaking of which, what’s up with the beach video?
JE: Ugh. I told her not to do that shit. I said it was like saying “let them eat cake” and then she was all like “ooh I want some cake for my horseback ride” and so we had to go get her some fucking cake.
Us: Yikes. Well we’re sorry you got dragged into it. For what it’s worth, you looked majestic.
JE: Thanks but the truth is she only keeps me around because I look like Jared and she likes to eat my poop. She’s a total weirdo like her asshole dad.
Us: That’s a rough deal. Hang in there, Jeffrey Epstein the Horse.

Even for us, that was a pretty strange fake interview. Still, we’re so glad that Ivanka is living such a luxurious life while her daddy destroys everything and the rest of us struggle to get by. On second thought, she can go fuck herself. And we hope that thing about her eating horseshit is true. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note three: Trump’s idiotic convention kicks off tonight. For some reason the Attorney General will be there. We don’t think anyone else will be. And we want to offer a reminder that the NFL season also kicks off tonight. More: NPR

Note four: Trump is starting to spend big to try and save some Senate races. His dirty money can’t save him now. More: New York Times

Note five: Anyone else been shocked and horrified by how comfortable some people are showing off their anti-Muslim hate? It’s extremely fucked up and we reject it outright.

Note six: We fucked up yesterday. We (Sam) saw that Lindsay Clancy’s attorney asked Trump for a pardon and made a crack about it. We were then told we hate women despite the years we’ve spent busting our asses to fight for what’s right. It was not a fun day. Still, we obviously don’t want to hurt any Sexy Patriots, so we’re sorry we made light of a tragic situation.

Note seven: Trump gave Natalie Harp and two other aides $45,000 cash bonuses. Must be nice. The rest of us just got $4 gas and a shit-ton of embarrassment. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Speaking of Natalie, remember when Republicans were all sad and outraged that anyone would criticize a woman working in the White House? Well those same people aren’t saying dick about Trump’s attacks on Kaitlan Collins and Maggie Haberman. It’s almost like they’re full of shit. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Do you hate John Fetterman? Well you are not alone. You are definitely not alone. More: AP

Note 10: It’s not the most important thing happening in this clip, but what the hell is going on with Ted Cruz’s hair? He looks like an actual skunk. Smells like one too.

Note 11: Congrats to Rep. Chris Pappas on winning his primary in New Hampshire last night. We really need this seat, so let’s all get behind our guy. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We couldn’t stay awake for it, but congrats to Ben Shelton on beating Carlos Alcaraz at the U.S. Open last night. We’re sorry we missed it. More: HuffPost

Note 13: While the bigots are coming for Mamdani, he’s releasing some facts about how NYC officials like Doodie Giuliani covered up the poisonous air around Ground Zero. Thank you, Mr. Mayor, for telling us all the truth…

Note 14: Since the federal government is a broken disaster, we’re sharing this page from HuffPo about when you should get the new covid shot. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We had just hit publish when we saw this grotesque story about Sen. Roger Marshall yesterday. Man, Republicans are monsters. More: The Independent

Note 16: Congrats, everyone. It looks like there’s one swing district we don’t have to worry about anymore. More: Cornell Sun

Note 17: The guys at South Park really seem to be enjoying fucking with Trump. We get it. It keeps us going too.

Note 18: Ugh. Trump ran off Lonnie Bunch, the head of the Smithsonian Institute. This is a huge loss for the whole damn country. It’s another win for racist scum who want to rewrite history though. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to something out of character and wish good luck to a Washington media organization. NOTUS has rebranded as The Washington Sun, and we’re hoping they do great work and succeed and don’t get bought by scumbag shit-eating billionaires who wreck them.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. If not, maybe take your horse for a ride on the beach like a total fucking asshole. Love y’all!

Thanks, Trump

You know that stupid and illegal war that we’ve won over and over again? Well we might not have won it after all. Brent crude oil is back up to $100 a barrel today as the world continues to see with its own eyes that Donald Trump is full of shit and the U.S. does not actually control the Strait of Hormuz. Diesel and gasoline were already at record Labor Day highs, and the latest developments won’t help. But also, our soldiers are being hurt and killed, our bases and our credibility have been destroyed and the Trump administration is trying like hell to keep the American people from learning the truth about any of it. But sure, let’s talk some more about a twitch streamer.

More: NBC News

Lying Like a Rug

In fact, Donald Trump lies like HIS rug. By now, you’ve probably seen the clips of Donald Trump at a 9/11 ceremony yesterday. You’ve seen him lying about two firefighters saving him from a collapsing building. You probably haven’t seen his very lengthy screed on Truth Social attacking all of us who were appalled by his egregious lying yesterday, and that’s for the best. Sadly, the mainstream media continue to pussyfoot around the president’s lies with weak headlines that downplay just how disgusting his bullshit really is. Thank you to New York Magazine for writing a headline that was the actual truth and pissing off Trump in the process.

More: New York Magazine

Missouri Madness

The Show-Me State is showing us some fucked up chaos. Yesterday, Butt Kavanaugh said that the Supreme Court would not hear GOP efforts to overrule the state Supreme Court, which recently ordered the state to use older maps with two Democratic districts for this year’s elections. This was a big win. And then almost immediately after that happened, a federal Trump judge on a lower court ordered the state to use the new, racist maps that give Democrats only one seat. What happens next is pretty confusing. But the state Supreme Court has demanded the state AG appear in person today to explain why they shouldn’t hold him in contempt. It’s all pretty fucked up and confusing, but we’re hopeful that this is gonna go our way.

More: The Guardian, Missouri Independent

Today’s clips

A researcher for Anthropic resigned from the company on Tuesday, warning that “the people building AI earnestly believe that it could kill us all by the end of the decade.” More: HuffPost

Donald Trump adviser Peter Navarro said Tuesday he broke Maria Bartiromo’s trust out of “duty” after forwarding her screenshot of a Fox Business edict to not dwell on a new claim of 2020 election fraud by the president in July. More: HuffPost

MINAB, Iran (AP) — The sun set over this southern Iranian city, and Heydar Sadeghi was where he can be found almost every evening: on a bench next to the shattered remains of his grandson’s school. His face was soaked with tears. More: AP

TORONTO (AP) — The United States is banning the import of some dairy products and motorcycles from Canada along with most alcoholic beverages, the White House said Tuesday, as part of a trade war that shows little sign of cooling off. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — As the High Holy Days approach, rabbis in the United States say their congregations are deeply unsettled by antisemitic threats and aware of sharp divisions in their own communities. But many are also determined to embrace the coming days of celebration and reflection. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A member of the Georgia National Guard deployed in Washington, D.C., as part of President Donald Trump’s task force to fight crime has been arrested for pulling a gun on a fellow Guard member in an alleged dispute over regulation haircuts. More: AP

A man accused of knocking an elderly couple to the ground in an attempt to confront Ohio gubernatorial candidate Amy Acton on Sunday has pleaded not guilty to charges stemming from the incident. More: NBC News

Note: Who’s ready to laugh? We know things are bleak these days, Sexy Patriots. We know there are days when you want to just scream and then go jump in a lake and stay there. We know that Trump and his enablers have pushed your hot asses to the brink. But we also know it’s really fucking hilarious sometimes when Trump comes face to face with the cold hard reality that he is a loser and America hates him. And that harsh reality will be on full display at the Dallas Dipshit-a-thon this week.

Why will it be so funny? Because nobody wants to go. They’re having to pay people to show up. And apparently they’re not offering enough for some people…

LOLOL!!! We’re feeling pretty good about winning the turnout battle when the president can’t even get his wife to show up. Or did they just not want to pay her appearance fee? It’s a bummer because we were looking forward to her giving another one of Michelle Obama’s speeches. Speaking of the Obamas, this kind of story would have been a huge scandal for them. But everyone just kind of accepts that Trump is in a fake and loveless marriage to a woman who hates him, hates us, hates Christmas and definitely hates dogs and small children.

So while you’re working to win elections this week, please don’t forget to laugh at the president and his four remaining friends at their embarrassing convention. Melania will probably be doing the same. And she’s the fucking worst. Y’all have a blessed day. More: The Independent

Note two: We did a surprise therapy session for Labor Day yesterday. If you missed it, you can get caught up here…

Note three: This week is also the 25th anniversary of 9/11 so get ready for lots of bigoted anti-Muslim bullshit disguised as journalism. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note four: Canada has fired back at Trump’s idiotic trade war. How fucking stupid do you have to be to piss off Canada? More: CNBC

Note five: The DHS secretary is dumber than dogshit. We do not feel safe.

Note six: It’s an Election Day. Yeah, we hate these late primaries too. Pick us a winner, New Hampshire! More: AP

Note seven: Trump’s stupid AI posts pissed off yet another country. Sorry, Iceland! It sure is cool that we only get along with Russia and North fucking Korea now.

​​[https://www.nbcnews.com/world/europe/iceland-summons-us-ambassador-trump-posts-map-american-flag-rcna596537](https://www.nbcnews.com/world/europe/iceland-summons-us-ambassador-trump-posts-map-american-flag-rcna596537)

Note eight: We want to give a shout out to all of our candidates and big-name surrogates who were hitting the campaign trail this Labor Day weekend. You wouldn’t know it from social media, but Democrats are fired up and ready to go. More: AP

Note nine: We’ll be honest and tell you that we have not followed the Lindsay Clancy trial. But she must be a horrible human being if she’s asking Trump for a pardon. More: NBC Boston

Note 10: We missed this over the weekend, but what the fuck? Even his wigs are giving up.

Note 11: Trump is making the Secret Service pay for hotdogs that he says are the best and the world. He just likes them because he is also made of lips and assholes. More: Mediaite

Note 12: The Middle East is very much in flames. But don’t worry. We’re sure the president will fix it with some meme of him as Batman or something. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The former Republican governor of Kentucky is sitting in a jail cell this morning. And his running mate is running for Congress. Hey Kentucky 6th, please vote for Zach Dembo!

Note 14: Best of luck to MSNBC’s Alex Witt, who just signed off after 27 years on-air. We realize that everything we write sounds snarky, but we actually mean this. More: HuffPost

Note 15: With Marie starting to fade, Hurricane Lowell is still out there. We’re sending love to Hawaii because they’ve gotten the shit kicked out of them and the president of the United States doesn’t care. Also, we saw your comments and we’ll try to stop Sam’s dumb ass from surfing in this shit. More: NBC News

Note 16: Do any of y’all know where Mitch McConnell is? Our guess is they stuffed him and he now stands in the corner of Scott Jennings’ bedroom.

Note 17: Remember when mainstream media reporters just couldn’t be sure if the birther asshole was a racist? Wonder if they’re still confused.

Note 18: We don’t ever do this, but we want to thank Donald Trump. Yeah, thanks for helping us keep New Mexico blue, you dumb motherfucker. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to elections guru Charlie Cook. Charlie says he has never seen anything like “the fiasco” Trump has forced on the GOP. You ain’t seen nothing yet, Charlie.

Note 20: And on that optimistic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely and fruitful Labor Day weekend. We’ve got 56 days to save this country, so let’s kick some ass. Love y’all!

Lock Up Lewandowski

Corey Lewandowski, Trump’s former campaign manager who literally assaulted a woman reporter right near Trump, is in some hot water. Yeah, when he was a “special employee” at DHS under his girlfriend Kristi Noem, Corey was apparently offering Middle Eastern countries special help with visas and other issues if they paid him directly, according to the Wall Street Journal. Even for Trump scum, this is a shocking level of corruption. And apparently Corey knows that and is banking on a pardon from Trump. Do we think Trump will even get asked about this? And if he doesn’t get a pardon, Corey is really gonna hate prison.

More: TMZ

The Gaseous POTUS

For a man with that much flatulence, Trump sure has fucked up the gas situation. In a desperate post this morning, Trump promised that he will get gas prices down to $3 or even $2 a gallon once the “war” with Iran is over. While it’s true that he has repeatedly told us that it’s not a war and it’s already over, it is not at all true that he’s gonna get gas prices that low. They were at a record high this Labor Day weekend, oil is heading north again and Axios is reporting that this idiotic war has already cost Americans $100 billion in energy prices. We’d love to tell you this is a disaster for Republicans — and it is — but it’s a disaster for all of us.

More: NBC News, Axios

Putin’s Little Bitch

It was just a few days ago that unelected assholes Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff were in Moscow kissing Putin’s ass. Then they went to Kyiv. And right after they left, Putin unleashed hell on our poor Ukrainian friends. It’s almost like Putin doesn’t want peace and doesn’t respect Trump or his puppets. We do wonder if Trump is ever going to get any tough questions about this shit, but we’ve pretty much given up hope on that front.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

U.S. President Donald Trump has threatened to ban the sale of aircraft from Canada’s Bombardier unless it manufactures planes in the United States.

In response, the maker of private jets noted that many components for its planes, including the wings, are produced in the U.S. and its supply chain relies heavily on U.S. companies. More: AP

VENICE, Italy (AP) — A new documentary about Elon Musk uses an Artificial Intelligence avatar to simulate an interview with the SpaceX and Tesla CEO using things he’s really said in interviews. The choice, filmmaker Alex Gibney said Tuesday in Venice before the film’s world premiere, was intentionally ironic. More: AP

JERUSALEM (AP) — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was directly warned by the president of the United Arab Emirates that Hamas was planning a major offensive just days before the militant group attacked on Oct. 7, 2023, according to an Israeli newspaper report. More: AP

LONDON (AP) — The U.K. government said Tuesday that it’s banning trade with Israeli settlements in the occupied West Bank, where it says “settler terrorists” are carrying out “ethnic cleansing” of Palestinians. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republicans appeared to have a firm grip on the Senate heading into the final two years of President Donald Trump’s term. But with less than two months until Election Day, control of the chamber is now up for grabs. More: AP

Jared Kushner on Sunday was asked directly why his lacking track record should inspire “any confidence” in his abilities to negotiate an end to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, prompting the U.S. special envoy and son-in-law of President Donald Trump to get defensive. More: HuffPost

Oye, President Donald Trump. Sen. Ben Ray Luján (D-N.M.) has a word for you now that you’re proposing to rename New Mexico as New America.

“It’s New Mexico, always has been and always will be,” Luján wrote in a recent X post. “Just like how you’ll always be a sinvergüenza and corrupt.” More: HuffPost

Thank you , , , , , and many others for tuning into our therapy session!

We hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend!

Love,

Adam and Sam

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Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriots. It’s pep talk time. Thanks to our union brothers and sisters, we are celebrating Labor Day today. But we’re also putting on our game faces. This is the traditional kick-off to the campaign season, and we figured it’s a good time to come together and get all fired up. This year, we’ve come up with a motto to help guide you down the homestretch. And that motto is fuck ‘em.

Are some of your fellow Democrats acting like Republicans because their primary candidates didn’t win? Fuck ‘em. Is Meet the Press ignoring actual goddaman nazis while asking every Democrat about a twitch streamer? Fuck ‘em. Are Republicans lying to your face while sucking dictator? Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all. Of course we don’t want you to literally fuck any of these people. Especially the Republicans. That would be really gross. No, we mean stay focused, ignore the haters and work so hard that on Election Night all these assholes say “oh no we’re fucked.”

We simply cannot afford stupid distractions right now. If we don’t stop Trump now, we will not get another chance. And while it’s tempting to lose our shit over the online idiots who don’t seem to get that or don’t seem to care, we don’t have time for those assheads either. So let’s rock n roll, Sexy Patriots. Pick your races, get involved, contribute where and how you can. Make the calls, knock the doors, do the work. We’ve got 57 days to fuck up some fascists at the polls. Let’s make them count. And as always, fuck Donald Trump. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note three: Every time we see this dunce on tv crapping his pants, we just assume this administration has basically given up. Oh and btw remember when Obama got a deal without getting any soldiers killed or driving the price of gas to record highs?

Note four: LOL. Doodie Pooliani says Mayor Mamdani should stay away from the 9/11 ceremony. Yeah and Doodie should stay away from young girls in Borat movies, Four Seasons landscaping, any and all hair dye and anyplace where you have to be a licensed attorney. What a piece of shit. The people of New York elected Mayor Mamdani. He is the mayor, and he should and will be there. More: ABC7 NY

Note five: Sam got his covid and flu shots Friday, and he only had mild side-effects. His crazy ass even paddled out in the L.A. hurricane waves this weekend. We don’t think the vaccines caused that kind of stupid recklessness. Please get your shots. More: AP

Note six: Meet the Press still wants to talk about Hasan Piker. Remember that picture of Kristen Welker laughing it up with Stephen Miller? Well our Democratic officials should remember it any time they’re gonna go on that GOP show.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note seven: Everyone enjoying those record-high fuel prices? Thanks, Trump. More: HuffPost

Note eight: John Fetterman says the reason we keep seeing so many reports of him sucking is because of disgruntled staffers. Ok but why are there so many disgruntled staffers? Maybe he should go blow Hannity some more while he’s trying to figure it out. More: CNN

Note nine: Please take note of who is attending Trump’s Texas poo-step this week and punish them accordingly…

Note 10: Remember last week when brainworm felcher fuckhead was trying to raise doubts about whether an unvaccinated person in Pennsylvania died of measles? Well it turns out he was lying because he’s a goddamn liar. More: The Hill

Note 11: In another embarrassing display of submission to Russia, Trump sent his pets to Moscow this weekend to kiss Putin’s taint. They’re headed to Ukraine today. After that, we’re hoping they go fuck themselves. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Trump really doesn’t want to spend his PAC money on Republican candidates this year, and they’ve had to beg him to do so. So it’s newsworthy that he’s putting $10 million into Texas. Pro-tip — If Republicans are worried about losing in Texas, then they are really fucking worried. More: NBC News

Note 13: Hey so what the hell is going on in New Hampshire? Do we need to be worried about this Senate seat? More: PBS

Note 14: We delight in Kyrsten Sinema’s misery, and we won’t apologize for it. Eat shit, Kyrsten. More: NBC News

Note 15: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate the folks at South Park on their Emmy win. We also want to thank them for using the occasion to troll Trump.

Note 16: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great Labor Day. And if anyone gives you any grief today, fuck ‘em. Love y’all!

Ugly Ohio

An armed man assaulted some people and came damn close to Democratic gubernatorial candidate Amy Acton while she was on the trail yesterday. The alleged assailant is apparently the brother of an ally of Vivek Ramaswamy who was also caught up in some gross child rape shit. Vivek of course spent his weekend at the U.S. Open. We’re so glad Amy and her husband are ok, and we hope Ohio voters remember all this heinous shit in 57 days.

Nazi Salute

So this is pretty scary. Germany’s far right party had a shocking victory yesterday even though they didn’t win a majority, as many had feared. And of course the neo-nazis are thanking Elon and Elon is thanking the neo-nazis. And all of this is happening while Russia is testing the Germans. We don’t mind telling y’all that this stuff scares the living hell out of us. If only we had some kind of press corps that could ask tough questions about the richest man in the world being a nazi. But they save that for streamers.

President Shit-for-brains

We had to make this a news item because the big news organizations are pretending like it didn’t happen. Instead of spending Sunday with his family lol, Trump spent the day on Truth Social posting AI slop and proposing to change the name of New Mexico to New America. The New York Times actually wrote about that one, but they skipped all the rest. Here is a post from Aaron Rupar to give you a real sense of just how fucking nuts Trump (and Natalie) are these days… More: Dispatch, Yahoo News

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court granted an emergency appeal from Republicans in a dispute over campaign ad prices on Friday, clearing a legal roadblock to political parties getting cheaper TV ad time ahead of the midterm elections. More: AP

Five people are dead and five others are injured after an Amazon-branded cargo plane crashed just outside Miami International Airport on Sunday afternoon, officials said. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Sunday unveiled a potential redesign of U.S. Space Force uniforms, and it’s giving sci-fi fans a bad feeling. More: HuffPost

Stella Parton, the sister of Dolly Parton, spoke out against AI-generated slop involving the late country music legend on Friday after President Donald Trump shared a sketch of him and the “Jolene” singer in the wake of her death. More: HuffPost

Note: Hello, Sexy Patriots, and congratulations on making it to the weekend. While we normally like to open this cussing newsletter with a joke or an extended riff about putting concrete rat dicks on the Supreme Court building, today we’d like to take a more serious tone and talk to you about the dangers of AI. We are proud to say that this newsletter and everything else we publish is 100 percent human made. We think that other shit is lazy and dishonest and we just saw Terminator too many times as kids to ever trust AI.

And just as there are fates worse than death, it turns out there are AI consequences worse than what happened in the Terminator franchise. This fact was proven conclusively yesterday afternoon when the most fucked up and unsettling slop in the history of mankind was posted on twitter…

THESE FREAKS ARE SO WEIRD!!! If this was the Terminator, we’d send John Conner back in time to pluck out our fucking eyes so we don’t ever have to see that shit again. Maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can help us stop hurling. We don’t think even Skynet would hand feed couch boy while Marco jerks off with a pop tart. Hell, that’s the kind of evil you saw if you ate the brown acid at the original Woodstock.

If our warnings about the dangers of AI have fallen flat so far, we hope whatever the hell that gross shit is will convey how serious this situation really is. We know we’ll never use it. And we’re not ever eating sauerkraut again either. Now excuse us while we go throw up some more. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We were planning to do therapy today, but the storms in Northern Virginia have Adam and his family living all Amish. He had to send out today’s newsletter from a coffee shop. We’re so sorry. We’ll try to do one over this Labor Day weekend.

Note three: LOLOL!!! This is our favorite story of the day. Former Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin was arrested yesterday. Sam covered politicians for two decades, and Bevin was the biggest asshole of the bunch. We hope he rots. More: WLWT

Note four: A stunning story from the Wall Street Journal reveals that John “Fuckhead” Fetterman has been blowing off paralyzed veterans, police officers’ funerals and state lawmakers worried about Medicaid cuts. Instead he likes to go on Fox and meet with hardcore Israeli government supporters. We cannot fucking wait for this asshole to be out of a job. More: Wall Street Journal, Yahoo News

Note five: We need more questions like this from the assholes who are taking money from a super racist. Also, we better not see anymore talk about how Troy Jackson lacks charisma because seriously…

Note six: Diesel prices set a record high of $5.85 a gallon yesterday. Just hours earlier, JD Vance was in the White House briefing room telling us all how lucky we are that those prices aren’t higher. Fuck off, JD. More: AP

Note seven: Trump is going ahead with that stupid fucking arch. We can’t wait to give that ugly shit the Saddam Statue treatment. More: The Guardian

Note eight: What’s happening in Springfield, Ohio right now is the kind of evil shit we read about in history books. We need to see some Democrats on the ground there stat! More: Zeteo

Note nine: We don’t believe today’s jobs report for shit. So we won’t be shocked when the number is revised down two months from now. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Fucking couches isn’t even the weirdest or grossest thing about this fucking weirdo. Look at this d-bag. Just a black hole of charm and decency.

Note 11: James Comer says that Mitch McConnell is in fact a live and will return to work on Sept. 15. They’re really gonna make Weekend at Bernie’s a documentary. More: HuffPost

Note 12: History was made yesterday as Stephen A. Smith defended a Black woman from racists for the first time ever. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We don’t know who did this, but we freaking love it…

Note 14: Now this is some dirty politics. A candidate in Missouri was gonna plant blow and adderall on his opponent. When told about this news, Don Jr said it was a total waste of good blow and adderall. More: AP

Note 15: Trump is asking SCOTUS to let him rig the midterms. If they don’t, it’ll be a goddamn miracle. More: NBC News

Note 16: House Republicans are spending money to keep Max Miller in office. How the fuck is this not a bigger story than some twitch streamer? More: Yahoo

Note 17: James Talarico ain’t fucking around and we are very much here for it. Git ‘em, James.

Note 18: Republicans don’t want Trump to campaign for them. He’s probably going to do it anyway. And that, folks, is some high comedy. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’d like to thank the brave Ohioans who did this. Eat shit, Vivek. More: Instagram

Note 20: And on that trolling note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing Labor Day weekend. And we’re very sorry if the image in the opening note ruined your day and destroyed your appetite. Please forgive us. Love y’all!

BONUS NOTE: Since Labor Day is the traditional election season kick-off, here’s some Rage Against the Machine to get you all fired up! More: YouTube

Able-Bodied Adults

The House just came back into session and now it’s out again. Mike Little Johnson and his party are asking voters to let them control the lower chamber for another two years even though they have barely showed up the last two years. Why are they leaving so soon? Thomas Massie was pushing another Epstein vote, and we know that makes Little Mikey sweat. These fuckers literally just came back from a two-month vacation and now they’re taking another two-month vacation. Remember when they were lecturing us about working from home?

More: The Independent

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

It is really goddamn hard to get fired from Fox News. But drunken fraggle Maria Bartiromo has managed to do the impossible. Maria, one of Trump’s top kiss-asses at Fox, was fired yesterday after a multi-week investigation into her leaks about Fox business to the White House. Fox has been refusing to indulge some of Trump’s election denialism because they don’t want to get sued again, and this was apparently not ok with Maria. So now she’s out of a job, and Fox News is slightly smarter. How long until she’s working for Trump (officially)?

More: People

The Show Me (Winning) State

Some huge and unexpected news out of Missouri yesterday. The Show Me State was one of several red states where Republicans redrew maps to get rid of a Democratic seat. But yesterday, the state Supreme Court called bullshit and said the state has to use the old maps with two blue seats. Fuck yeah. Trump was furious to see it. We were mostly just shocked. That’s one less seat we’re probably gonna have to worry about. Let’s fucking go!!!

More: New Republic

Today’s clips

KATHMANDU, Nepal (AP) — Rescuers in Nepal pulled two workers alive from an underground tunnel at a hydropower plant Friday, raising hopes of reaching dozens of others believed to be trapped nine days after deadly floods swept away villages and submerged the Himalayan region in mud and debris. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Former Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer oversaw a “toxic, intimidating and humiliating” work environment and engaged in numerous violations of department policy, according to a new report from the department’s Office of Inspector General. More: AP

Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton and Oprah Winfrey are among a slew of politicians, celebrities, writers and activists who are lauding Gloria Steinem as a revolutionary and inspiring figure. More: AP

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) — Wisconsin’s candidates for governor want to limit them, while Pennsylvania’s say they support a ban. A Michigan congressional candidate called them “un-American.” A Florida Senate candidate is selling merch opposing them. More: AP

Britain’s populist Reform UK said two senior aides to leader Nigel Farage stepped down on Friday after an undercover investigation alleged the party had broken electoral law by arranging for a foreign donor to pay for political polling. More: NBC News

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — President Donald Trump raised doubts about whether the United States would support Britain in another conflict over the Falkland Islands in an interview with a British broadcaster aired Thursday, injecting new tension into the long-standing dispute over the British-controlled archipelago also claimed by Argentina. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON, Sept 3 (Reuters) - The Pentagon is temporarily rescinding recently published clinical guidance for a new, mandatory testosterone deficiency screening policy for service members aged 30 and older, a U.S. official told Reuters on Thursday. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you today? Are you doing the work, making the calls and just generally kicking ass? Great! Then we don’t have to beg or send weird and threatening text messages like our politicians do. We are about to hit Labor Day weekend, which is the traditional kick-off to election season, and as of last night, we know what Fuckhead McCankles is planning…

Hooray!!! This is the first good idea Donald Trump has ever had in his whole miserable shit life. In fact, we’re so on board, we’re offering to help drive his ample orange ass to all 35 spots. Hell, we’d even offer a piggy back ride if we weren’t sure it would kill us or he’d start humping our backs. The truth is we want every single voter in this country thinking about Trump, his stupid fucking ballroom, his stupid fucking wars, his stupid fucking lies, his stupid fucking Epstein and his stupid fucking face. If he wasn’t planning to hit the road, we’d be tempted to lure him out with a trail of Big Macs like E.T. with those Reese’s Pieces.

We doubt he’ll actually go to most of these places. He is a lazy sack of shit who can barely walk down a flight of stairs, and every word out of his mouth is pure crap. Still, we really hope he goes for it. And we hope he talks about data centers too. You got us, Mr. President. Now hit that campaign trail hard, big boy. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News

Note two: Keeping with that theme, we are so goddamn excited for Trump’s idiotic convention next week. He’s speaking both nights because of course he is. And he’s going up against the NFL. LOL. Talk about the ballroom, Donnie!!! More: HuffPost

Note three: Ugh. RIP to a real one. Feminist icon Gloria Steinem has died at 92. More: NBC News

Note four: This postal service thing has us more than a little freaked out. We’re gonna need to hit the early voting windows hard as hell. More: HuffPost

Note five: Trump is doing clean-up duty this morning after Nutlick went on television yesterday and said this…

Note six: Hey so flu shots and the new boosters are available. Please get them, especially if you’re over 65. Sam is getting his tomorrow!

Note seven: Poor Minneapolis has been through so much. We’re sending love to a great city. More: NBC News

Note eight: We were gonna share a Politico story about Third Way, but we fucking hate them. What kind of Democrats are spending money against Democrats right now? Well we’ll tell you. Shitty Democrats. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note nine: We were all fucked over by two selfish House Dems this week. If they go unpunished, it will happen again. We’re not calling for tar-and-feather, but they do need to be dealt with. More: The Hill

Note 10: LOL. Uncle Fester really has his finger on the pulse, don’t he? This dumb shit is like a week away from coming out as pro-herpes.

Note 11: Anyone who knows college sports knows that LSU runs garbage programs. But what they did to one of their Ukrainian players was fucking gross. We hope she sees her old team down the road. More: NBC News

Note 12: We’re gonna need a Democratic president just to find out how much damage Iran has done to our bases in the Middle East. Because we sure as shit aren’t gonna get the truth from these assholes. More: NBC News

Note 13: Look at our rusted out aircraft carrier. It was out to sea so long that it started to look like the fucking reflecting pool. But at least the ballroom is coming along.

Note 14: Trump is really fucking up the Kennedy Center however he can because he doesn’t get to put his gross name on it. He really is an if-I-can’t-have-you-then-no-one-will kinda asshole, ain’t he? More: AP

Note 15: Billionaire Leon Black sure seems scared to talk about Epstein. Lock ‘em all up. More: AP

Note 16: Man, Trump is really worried about James Talarico. We fucking love to see a Republican freak out about winning in Texas. More: HuffPost

Note 17: So things at the FBI are going so badly that they now might actually accept Herschel Walker…

Note 18: No matter how scared, angry or discouraged you get, please remember that it could be worse. You could be a Los Angeles Clippers fan. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, “it was the third of September.” Here’s the Temptations to get you grooving on this Thursday. More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that banging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing day. And we hope Trump campaigns everywhere and gets his nasty stank all over the Republican Party. Love y’all!

Thanks for the Boost!

Republicans really thought they had something yesterday. And it totally blew up in their faces. After Jim Clyburn endorsed expanding the Supreme Court, Republicans thought they would pull a reverse uno and force Democrats to go on the record to set the number at nine. Except that’s not what happened. Not only did the measure fail, but only one Democrat defected. As Doug Linder pointed out on Bluesky, only 66 Democrats voted in 2023 to expand the court. Now that number is at 206. You and your pressure did this. Let’s keep it going.

More: The Hill

We Ride with Raskin

There’s a lot of angst about whether Democrats will impeach Trump if/when we win the midterms. Frankly, we’re not worried about it because we know it’s smart to not make this election about impeachment. The other reason we’re not worried about it is because of a bad motherfucker named Jamie Raskin. Raskin has been hitting the campaign trail hard because he is enormously popular. Why? Because he’s a real fighter and we all fucking love him for that. And we also know he ain’t gonna start fighting after he gets the gavel as House Judiciary chairman. So let’s win some elections and trust in Jamie.

More: HuffPost

What About Elon?

For what seems like 20 years, we’ve been hearing Republicans, reporters, pundits and turncoat Democrats talking about Hasan fucking Piker. What would it take to get the same kind of attention and criticism on the world’s richest man and his daily efforts to start a race war? He recently met with Mike Little Johnson, he’s spending to help Republicans like Susan Collins and he’s posting shit like what we shared below. And it’s crickets from the mainstream media. We get that they’re all gutless and corrupt, but this is pathetic.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — A plan by the Environmental Protection Agency could make it harder for the public to learn about and comment on proposed AI data centers that have sparked backlash in communities across the United States and transformed the midterm election landscape. More: AP

A federal judge in Boston will hear arguments Thursday on whether to extend her prohibition against the U.S. Postal Service requiring states to use a new mail balloting system for the midterms as part of an executive order by President Donald Trump. More: AP

WARSAW, Poland — Russia will shutter German cultural centers across the country, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said Thursday, in a tit-for-tat measure that reflected soured relations and deepening tensions between Moscow and European countries helping Ukraine resist Russia’s invasion. More: NBC News

Terrifying video shows a congressional staffer for Rep. Nicole Malliotakis (R-N.Y.) being struck by lightning, a less-than-a-one-in-a-million chance, while walking to a dentist appointment during a thunderstorm in Staten Island, New York, last month. More: HuffPost

Note: A Happy Beginning? That’s right, Sexy Patriots! We’re raising the frequency on this fine hump day, and we’re refusing to start with any negative bullshit. We’ll get to that later. But for now, we want to show you the energy that we need, the energy that we love and the energy that has Republicans crapping their underoos…

Oh hell motherfucking yes!!! We don’t even know who he’s talking to or about and we’re still ready to run through a damn wall for this dude. Because he remembers what so many asshole politicians have forgotten — they work for us. It ain’t the other way around. They work for the people. Not themselves. And sure as shit not for Trump. “Down is what you’re going in November.” Zing!

We know there are scary thunderclouds hanging over our hopes this election season. The president has already attempted one coup, so we won’t be shocked when he tries again. But we’re putting our faith in Americans like this town hall hero. He is why Republicans are scared. He is why they’re cheating. And he is why these fuckers are about to hit early retirement. Let’s go!!! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re planning a therapy session for Friday. Y’all just hang on until then and we’ll work it all out together. Until then, stay sexy.

Note three: Seth Moulton lost to Ed Markey last night. We continue to believe it is stupid politics to shit on your own party. The voters seem to agree with us. More: NBC News

Note four: Remember when fucking couches was the craziest thing JD did? Well now he’s talking about ushering in the apocalypse. At least the couches will be happy. More: HuffPost

Note five: What the fuck are we paying this dude for? To shoot reality shows and creep us the hell out?

Note six: It looks like the real presidents will be going to New York City for the 25th anniversary of 9/11. No wonder Trump is skipping out. More: The Daily Beast

Note seven: Speaking of 9/11, please check out the latest from journalist Garrett Graff, who has become perhaps the best chronicler of what happened that day. More: National Geographic

Note eight: Congrats to Hunter Biden on coming out as bi. We think. Hard to tell with this dude. We sure love his honesty, but he needs to stop shitting on Kamala. It’s gross. More: EW

Note nine: John Fetterman was back on Fox News last night attacking Abdul. Fuck John Fetterman. Fuck him in the ear.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 10: Yikes. Let’s all pretend to be shocked that Gym Jordan doesn’t want to protect kids from predators. It’s like he’s getting paid by a pedophile lobbyist.

Note 11: Acting Navy Secretary Hung Cao is a nutjob who has totally wrecked the U.S. Navy. So of course Trump wants him to have the job on a more permanent basis. More: MS Now

Note 12: The House censured GOP creep Chuck Edwards yesterday. They were gonna kick him out but then they remembered they suck. More: AP

Note 13: Scott Bessent is coming unglued. We have no idea who is impressed by this arrogant shitstain, but dude is seriously flailing.

Note 14: We’re really digging the way Mark Carney is going after Trump. We just wish he didn’t have to. More: AP

Note 15: His name was Pierre Damas Bel, and he’s dead because of Donald Trump and JD Vance. If the chickenshit media won’t say it, then we will. More: NBC News

Note 16: We don’t know who needs to hear this, but Rahm Emanuel is never gonna be president. You don’t get to cover up the murder of a young Black man and then become the Democratic nominee. More: WTTW

Note 17: We’re gonna be talking in a second about House Democrats who sold us out yesterday. Before we do that, we’d like to remind you how many great members we have. Like Sydney here…

Note 18: Like most women with taste, AOC said she wouldn’t date a conservative. Fox didn’t take it well. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’d like to congratulate MapQuest on becoming the number one app in the country. How did they do it? By not being wusses like Google and Apple. Resisting fascist fucks is good for business.

Note 20: And on that market-driven note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. We also hope that you’re ready to kick some politician ass this November. But we know you stay that way. Love y’all!

Traitors

Well this will make you madder than all hell. Yesterday two House Democrats — Jared Golden and Marie Gluesencamp Perez completely sold us out, stabbed Democratic leadership in the back, threw Mike Little Johnson a lifeline and set up shitty votes on socialism and the fucking SAVE Act. Leader Hakeem Jeffries is vowing punishment. While we fucking despise both of these members and hope they fuck off into space, this is also a bad look for leadership. Even Speaker Pelosi was asking how the hell this happened. We’re really gonna need House Democrats to get their fucking shit together because this is unacceptable. Oh and btw, it wasn’t the lefties who did the selling out.

More: The Hill

Texas Poo-Step

Get it? Like two-step but they’re stepping in shit? Well, if you have to explain it… Next week, Trump is having a big Republican convention in Dallas. Or at least it’s supposed to be big. But a lot of Republican candidates are suddenly finding themselves busy that day. According to the beltway buttheads at Politico, 45 out of 70 GOP candidates they contacted aren’t going. Why? Because Trump is radioactive and they all know it. He’s not even letting them use his campaign funds. That’s why a bunch of them are going to the White House tonight — for dinner and ass-kissing. Frankly, we think it’s disloyal of them to skip the president’s convention. They should go and take lots of pictures with him and endorse all his dumbfuck policies. We would really appreciate it.

More: Politico

Lost Little Johnson

One of the really funny and uncovered stories happening right now is that the Republican Speaker of the House is losing what little shit he has left. Mike Little Johnson is doing the media rounds, and it’s not going great. He’s having to lie a lot about not seeing what Trump is doing, and he’s not even remotely believable when he says Republicans are going to hold the House. But watch him snap at CNN’s Manu Raju in this clip. We’d say the pressure is really getting to the little fella…

Today’s clips

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) — Iran fired on U.S. allies in the Gulf early Wednesday following a night of American bombardment that Iranian officials say included a deadly strike on a wedding party. More: AP

EMPORIA, Kan. (AP) — Adam Hamilton has spent decades trying to bring people to Jesus as founder of the nation’s largest United Methodist church. Now he wants to bring Kansas voters to the polls as the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate. More: AP

Leading U.S. medical groups are urging people to get updated flu and COVID-19 vaccinations this fall, banding together Wednesday to issue shot guidelines — and highlight the science behind them — saying they hope to ease confusion caused by the Trump administration’s changing advice. More: AP

The U.S. State Department has proposed requiring parents applying for passports for their ​children to provide proof of their own citizenship or immigration status as part of President Donald Trump’s latest effort to limit birthright ‌citizenship. More: NBC News

Sean Duffy’s wife suggested that President Donald Trump appointed him as transportation secretary because it was the only remaining job. More: HuffPost

Sept 1 (Reuters) - Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy warned airlines and insurance companies on Tuesday that the presence of Ukrainian drones had made Russian skies dangerous to use and that they were effectively closed. More: HuffPost

Note: We hate to do this to you, Sexy Patriots, but we’re moving the goalposts. Yesterday we were all fucking giddy that Jim Clyburn came out in favor of expanding the court. It’s a goal we have sought for a while now, and it was a real win seeing Democratic leadership come out in favor of it. But then that corrupt shit-for-brains court went and did this and now we have a whole new proposal — giant concrete rat dick statues carved into the facade…

Oh goddamnit! Wait… what?! *Adam and Sam, you’re so hot but also what was that you were saying about giant concrete rat dick statues carved into the facade?* Well first, thank you. We needed that. Second, yeah, we’ve decided that the new standard for any Democratic candidate who wants our vote is that they have to be willing to propose, fund and construct 200-foot concrete statues of rodent penises on the United States Supreme Court building. We still want to expand the number of seats, but we also want to take today’s ruling and rub Sam Alito’s face in it by making him go to work in the rat dick building every day.

So if the president of the United States is allowed to do whatever he or she wants to federal buildings, then get ready for the U.S. Supreme Court with Massive Rat Cocks. It’s still less offensive than that fucking ballroom. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Believe it or not, we are still somehow having fucking primaries. If people are voting near you, please join them and remember to not vote for any assholes. More: Boltsmag

Note three: The Secretary of the Army went to Trump and told him that Hegseth has broken the Army and pushed out everyone who knows anything about the military. Trump sided with Hegseth and the secretary resigned yesterday. We’re guessing Trump is more worried about a military that will support his coup than one that can win wars. More: HuffPost

Note four: RIP to the great Wendell Berry. Like his fellow Kentuckian Mitch McConnell, Berry is no longer of this earth. Unlike McConnell, Berry’s life is worth celebrating. More: NBC News

Note five: Maybe all the white reporters asking about Hasan Piker could take a break and spend some time on the Speaker of the House supporting a man who beat his wife and threw hot water on his young child…

Note six: This story will make you sick. A young Haitian man named Pierre Damas Bel took his own life yesterday after being made to wear an ankle monitor and threatened with deportation. Are Republicans still pretending to be the Christian party? Because this is fucking evil. More: Springfield News Sun

Note seven: Mel Gibson is a piece of shit. We realize this is the opposite of breaking news. More: HuffPost

Note eight: It took way longer than it should have, but we finally saw some pushback to Laura Loomer’s despicable racism. Don’t you think Democrats should maybe focus on Trumpland racist scum instead of twitch streamers? More: CNN

Note nine: LOLOL. Another Kentucky Republican is running from Trump. Rep. Andy Barr was telling voters during the primary that it’s ok to be white. Now he wants to pretend to be a moderate? Eat shit, Andy. We know you’re good at it. More: LPM

Note 10: Don’t throw rotten fruit or vegetables at us, but we think Abdul is really good at this stuff. And y’all know we love a good couch gag…

Note 11: We’d like to say thank you to David Leslie. David selflessly withdrew from Alaska’s U.S. Senate race to make it more likely that Democrat Mary Peltola wins without splitting the vote. David also used his campaign to raise some important issues. Thank you, David. We see you and we appreciate you. More: AlaskaBeacon

Note 12: Sam is a broken record on this, but if you can go to the movies, please go see Coyote vs. Acme because it’s funny and sweet and we need more movies like this.

Note 13: Yesterday we condemned the fucking idiot who dared to confront Brad Lander. We should have known Lander would handle it like the badass he is. We really love this dude.

Note 14: Ted Cruz is talking about Trump’s balls. Such a weird motherfucker. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Somebody stole a shitload of Pabst Blue Ribbon. It wasn’t us, but we can sure understand the impulse. More: AP

Note 16: Kalshi banned George Santos for life. So Kalshi has higher ethical standards than the Republican Party. Ouch. More: AP

Note 17: You know how Trump keeps saying the Strait of Hormuz is totally open? Well he’s either an idiot or a liar. Just kidding. He’s definitely both.

Note 18: We did it! It only took three decades, but we got the guy who got Tupac. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it’s September. So here’s some Earth, Wind and Fire for your hot asses… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that groovin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and are as excited as we are about them big ol’ rat johnsons we’re putting on SCOTUS. Love y’all!

CBScumbags

Let’s all pretend to be shocked that Bari Weiss is an anti-Muslim bigot. Ok so nobody is shocked. According to reports, Bari personally got involved in a story yesterday that tried to make Abdul El-Sayed look like he deleted some bad tweets about Sept. 11. The truth is they were pretty innocuous and Bari was looking for some sensationalism as she continues to push her propaganda. We noticed several people on social media arguing that there is no way CBS can be allowed to ever host a debate that features Democrats, and we sure as shit agree with that. Is our party going to stand with our nominee and against racism? Guess we’ll see.

More: Jezebel

Backwards and Poor

That’s what Trump said will become of communities that don’t embrace and build data centers. We are enormously grateful to AOC for being the first to ask a very obvious question in response — why don’t we build them near Mar-a-Lago? And AOC has to be the one asking because the White House press corps is a goddamn joke. From Tom Emmer and Steve Scalise this morning to Jon Husted yesterday, Republicans are determined to be the party of data centers. We think this is a great idea, and we hope they keep at it.

More: CNBC, HuffPost

Holy Fucking Shit!

So this should be the biggest story of the day and the next 63 days. Trump is planning to use the U.S. Postal Service to cheat in this year’s elections. It’s very obvious that Trump wants to force voters to the polls where his armed thugs will be waiting to intimidate them. Today’s report is from a USPS whistleblower who says that officials are violating court orders and moving ahead with a system that is completely fucked up. We’re not at the point yet where we’re gonna tell you to vote in person, but we’re getting damn close

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

LAS VEGAS (AP) — When Vice President JD Vance stepped on stage in Michigan on Monday, it was MAGA Inc. writing the check for the campaign event. It was a rare bit of spending in a battleground state from a powerful political organization that has mostly been missing in action this year.

With just over two months to go before the midterm elections, President Donald Trump is still sitting on most of his colossal war chest, and he’s been growing his money pile instead of spending it. More: AP

As Democrats across the U.S. signal an increasing appetite for change, U.S. Rep. Seth Moulton is hoping that momentum will help him oust longtime Massachusetts U.S. Sen. Ed Markey in Tuesday’s primary. More: AP

KATHMANDU, Nepal (AP) — Rescue teams with search dogs continued to search through mud, rocks and debris on Tuesday on the border with Nepal and China for thousands of people still missing following the catastrophic floods that tore through communities across the Himalayas, leaving more than 1,000 dead. More: AP

ICE officers and agents arrested roughly 50,000 people in August, according to a senior DHS official familiar with the preliminary arrest data. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump said he abstained from golf for 120 days leading up to the 2024 election, adding to a virtual trophy case of falsehoods about the game he adores. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! We sure missed you this weekend. We hope you caused some good trouble or got the lawn mowed, whichever struck your fancy. We both spent the weekend sick as dogs. Adam caught an actual virus and Sam made the mistake of learning what Kash Patel is doing to the FBI and can’t stop throwing up…

Hey so um what the effing fuck?! Seriously. What is happening at the FBI and which four-legged friend is Kash doing sex to? If the B in FBI is gonna stand for bestiality now, then the F and the I have to stand for “fucking insane.” And how the hell is this not a bigger news story? For decades we’ve heard that J. Edgar Hoover dressed in women’s clothes, but we barely get a peep when we learn that Kash wants to put his pecker in pets? At least RFK Jr. waits until the raccoon is dead before he starts playing with its tallywhacker.

We have a lot of questions. How many animal-fuckers are applying to the FBI? How long has Kash been fucking animals? Does he fuck all animals or is there a special one he has been in love with for a very long time and he tries to cover it up by having a fake relationship with a country singer while his heart and tiny penis pine for a giraffe named Esmerelda? Sigh. If only we had a real press corps to ask these questions.

Regardless, this is another wild and unsettling disgrace from the Trump administration that the people should know about. If for no other reason, they should know to hide their pets if the FBI comes to their homes. And we thought Kristi Noem was fucked up. Y’all have a blessed day.

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Note two: If you missed it, we did a much-needed therapy session on Friday. You can get caught up here…

Note three: The gutless cowardly scum at Google changed Lake Ontario on Google Maps. They already made their search function suck butt, and now they’re making the rest of the company match. Fucking wanks. More: NBC News

Note four: Brad Lander is one of the politicians we admire most these days. The scum who were yelling in his face this weekend can get fucked. It’s hard to describe how badly this person hurt their cause by going after such a thoughtful and righteous dude. More: CNN

Note five: So this is the crazy fucking shit the president of the United States was posting on Sunday night. Guess there was no family dinner this week. All hail President Slop Bucket…

Note six: You know how Scott Bessent goes around acting like a tough guy while the economy takes a dump on his face? Well it turns out that he’s such a wimp that he can’t even handle being around mainstream media reporters. More: AP

Note seven: Maybe some of the beltway Democrats who can’t stop attacking El-Sayed could take a break and focus on Mike Rogers lying about seeing Osama bin Laden’s body. Or just keep crapping on your own candidates and voters. More: The Guardian

Note eight: Presidential advisor Laura Loomer launched an unhinged and insanely racist attack against Florida Senate candidate Angie Nixon yesterday. For some reason, it didn’t get the same coverage as Hassan Piker. And for some other reasons, Marjorie Taylor Fucking Greene condemned it before Democrats did. What the hell? More: The Hill

Note nine: It was very predictable that Bill Maher would be a total asshole about Dolly Parton. He will never understand her or why we loved her. What a sad old loser. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Speaking of Dolly, y’all have to see this…

Note 11: While we’re talking Hollywood, Sam saw Coyote vs. Acme this weekend and loved every second of it. If you can get to a theater to see this movie, you definitely should. More: AP

Note 12: And human garbage Randy Quaid, best known for playing Uncle Eddie in real life, had a total crashout over the news that Anne Hathaway will star in the sequel to Days of Thunder. We are far more concerned about the Robert Duvall angle. More: HuffPost

Note 13: This man recently met with RFK Jr. And then this happened.

Note 14: Mike Little Johnson and his band of dumbshit losers are back in town. We’ll see if they can keep the government open or really do anything other than kiss orange ass. More: NBC News

Note 15: We’re sending love to the folks who found themselves dealing with a flash flood at the Grand Canyon. This is some scary shit that immediately had us thinking of Nepal. And we figured we’d better say something since the president of the United States probably has no fucking idea this happened. More: The Guardian

Note 16: Trump said yesterday he is reporting Kristin Welker to the FCC “for rebuke or punishment.” Is that how the First Amendment works now? If so, we’d like to report her for being a shit journalist. More: MS Now

Note 17: Remember the assholes who told us we were supposed to be afraid of this guy? Maybe we should always ignore them from now on.

Note 18: This weekend, Trump announced a plan to steal Venezuela’s oil. We’re sure this pillaging will never have unforeseen consequences that someday hurt the American people. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have got to put some respect on Olivia Rodrigo’s name. This weekend, she brought together some real stars to raise $20 million for Planned Parenthood and other crucial organizations. And y’all know how we feel about Stevie Nicks…

Note 20: And on that absolutely gorgeous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend and didn’t catch Kash canoodling with a coyote. What the hell is wrong with that dude? Love y’all!

Pentagon Propadandists

The Pentagon has been secretly paying right-wing freaks on twitter to push their lies and try and make Pete Hegseth look like something other than a total fucking failure. The Washington Post reported this week that several big right-wing accounts are actually being funded by the Defense Department. Can you imagine what a scandal this would have been if Biden or Obama had done it? This all comes as NBC reported this weekend that Hegseth is considering a 2028 run. He really is delusional. And a total fucking asshole to boot.

More: Washington Post

And That Ain’t All

We also learned from leaks this weekend that military leaders are warning Hegseth that the U.S. can’t keep doing Trump’s Iran quagmire because it has left us vulnerable everywhere else, including here at home. Yeah, months of bragging about “maximum lethality” also meant that dipshit was depleting all of our military hardware. So we are officially less safe because of Trump and Hegseth. But at least we’re winning in AI slop world. Great work, assholes.

More: The Independent

Damnit, Jim!

He didn’t do anything wrong, but we’ve always wanted to use that Star Trek line. Yesterday on Meet the Press, Democratic elder Jim Clyburn came out in favor of expanding the court to 12 or 13 seats. Hell fucking yes. The base has been calling for this for a while now, so it’s pretty huge to see Democratic leadership get on board before the midterms. We’re going to ignore the congressman pouring cold water on impeachment talk because this court stuff is the whole ballgame and we are damn glad to see Clyburn on board. Let’s go!

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

MIAMI — Hurricane Karina strengthened Monday into a powerful Category 4 storm in the Pacific Ocean but isn’t threatening land, forecasters said. More: NBC News

Abdul El-Sayed, the Democratic nominee for the Senate in Michigan, apologized to the state’s Jewish Democratic Caucus on Saturday for comments he made after an attack on a synagogue in March, which he tied to Israel’s actions in the Middle East. More: NBC News

A teleprompter operator for President Donald Trump who made online prediction trades based on information from upcoming speeches has been ordered to pay $172,000, a federal agency said Friday night. More: NBC News

It has been touted by the manufacturer as the ballistic missile of the future: lethal, long-range and pinpoint. Lockheed Martin’s Precision Strike Missile has the U.S. military investing billions to update its arsenal.

But a close look at what is believed to be its first use in combat — on the first day of the Iran war — highlights the potential peril of deploying this weapon near population centers because it appears to spray pellets over a wide area, according to a review by the conflict monitor Airwars and interviews with weapons experts and former defense officials. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — The Metropolitan Museum of Art is canceling its planned exhibit honoring British designer John Galliano, which had led to severe backlash in the Jewish community and beyond because of the designer’s past antisemitic and racist statements. More: AP

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) — The United Arab Emirates said that it intercepted an Iranian drone over its waters Monday, an attack that comes after the United States and Iran exchanged fire over the weekend for the first time in a month. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Massachusetts Democrats will decide the latest head-to-head matchup between the party’s moderate and progressive wings in a state primary Tuesday, but this time, top progressives are backing the incumbent against a more moderate challenger. More: AP

A Republican who called into C-SPAN earlier this month gave President Donald Trump hell over his handling of the economy in his second term. More: HuffPost

Note: What a week, Sexy Patriots! We’ve been up, we’ve been down and we’ve been pissed off by a clown. Actually, that’s not fair. Clowns work for a living, wear less makeup and have never lost a war to Iran and Canada at the same time. And we’ve sure as shit never seen a clown waddle to the Oval Office and pretend they can rename a Great Lake. Frankly, we’ve never seen a clown who was that pathetic…

What a freaking dunce. It finally occurred to us yesterday why this all seems so familiar. Have you ever taken your kids to a restaurant and the server gives them a placemat and some crayons to keep them busy while the adults eat? Maybe for one of your dumber kids you just throw some loose change or your fucking car keys on the ground and let them go nuts. Well that is exactly what is happening in the Oval Office these days — an 80-year-old diapered dipshit with the brain of a spoiled psycho child needs a placemat, some crayons and some house keys or else he’s gonna nuke American Samoa out of boredom or just wander off into a lake. We are in the age of the Placemat President. And it sure as fuck doesn’t make us great again.

The only thing we can’t figure out is why so many people are still afraid of this moron. Sure, you can be aggravated when your kid shits themselves at Shoney’s or throws scrambled eggs at you or attacks Canada. But you’d never be afraid of them, right? Right. So let’s stay focused, win some elections and put this dumb sonofabitch in time-out. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s therapy day!!! We don’t know about y’all, but we really need it. We’ll see you at 3 p.m. ET/noon PT.

Note three: We are now officially at six months of stupid war against Iran, and Trump has lost. In fact, he has made Iran stronger and more hardline than they had been. Great work, dumbass. More: New York Times

Note four: Hey so when is Mr. Fraud Fighter and Couch Fucker gonna go after Florida fraudsters like Sen. Ashley Moody? Just as soon as he gets off the couch, right? More: Politico

Note five: LOL. Even Fox is starting to (gently) push back against the limp duck…

Note six: We weren’t kidding about the placemat thing. Look at what shit-for-brains posted last night. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Even the Republican governor of Wyoming is calling out DOJ for its “very odd” monitoring of the primary elections. Are we going to see violence at the polls this November? Only if they try to stop us from voting. More: New York Times, NBC News

Note eight: Trump is claiming the Strait of Hormuz is open and he called his friends at Axios because he knew they would print the lie. Again. We’re just a little more skeptical than those big time reporters. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note nine: Trump is skipping the 9/11 ceremony in NYC for the 25th anniversary of the attack because he’s not being allowed to make a speech. And yet somehow Mamdani is the one the press keeps calling controversial. More: IHeart.com

Note 10: We know he’s a monster, but at least he looks like an anus with teeth…

Note 11: We actually got some good news from the FDA. New covid shots will soon be available. Brainworm racoon dick guy is trying to limit who can get them. You’re good if you’re over 65 or have an underlying condition or if you can lie about either of those things. More: USA Today

Note 12: The other piece of good news on the health front is a major breakthrough in the war against pancreatic cancer. This shit used to be a death sentence. Thanks to science, it’s not anymore. None for you, MAGA! More: NBC News

Note 13: Y’all know we have long been huge Jasmine Crockett fans. It’s hard to describe how disappointing this is. There are a lot of Democrats right now who seem to want to say told ya so instead of winning elections. That’s not ok.

Note 14: Remember how the National Guard shot a man in Memphis? Well it turns out they shot him in the back. This is one of many reasons we don’t give a fuck about Hasan Piker. More: AP

Note 15: Speaking of cheap thugs who are terrorizing their own country, ICE is actually going ahead with those electric shock gloves. We can’t wait until the first goon zaps his own little pecker off. More: AP

Note 16: We need all of you to do us a huge favor — check your voter registration. Especially if you live in a red or purple state. More: KXAN

Note 17: Don’t you wish our politicians had the guts that MapQuest does?

Note 18: Pete Hegseth is gonna lose another battle. This time it will be to the reporters and editors at Stars and Stripes he tried to censor. Hold that L, asshole. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to NFL pre-season football. No, really. Because even legendary broadcaster Al Michaels is making fun of President Fuckhead. Ouch.

Note 20: And on that pigskin note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best weekend. And we apologize to any placemat-coloring toddlers we might have offended. Love y’all!

Trump to Texas

James Talarico no longer needs a house or apartment. Because he’s living rent-free in Trump’s head. Trump went to Texas yesterday because Ken Paxton is a degenerate scumbag who even Texas Republicans hate, and Trump thinks he can save Paxton. But he didn’t stop there. No, Trump kept posting about Talarico into the night. It sure seems that James has Republicans scared shitless. Can we win in Texas? We have no fucking idea. But we know we need everyone working together to even have a chance. Let’s go!

More: Texas Tribune, The Daily Beast

Brain Drain

You know how Trump hates smart people and colleges and he’s trying to destroy both because he wants Americans to be stupid and easily controlled? Well Canada is going the other way. The New York Times reports today that 21 universities in Canada announced yesterday that they have hired “dozens of researchers to join their top academic ranks, poaching the majority of recruits from the United States.” And you can bet your ass they won’t be calling it Lake America or whatever. Congrats to Canada on getting smarter and investing in their future. We sure wish we were doing the same.

More: CBC, New York Times

Shame on U.S.

It started with a lie. JD Vance and Donald Trump told Americans that Haitians in Springfield, Ohio were eating people’s pets. Everyone laughed, and then Trump got elected. And then SCOTUS told him he could be as racist as he wants to be. And now that lie has become a real-life horror show for the poor Haitians of Ohio. ICE is there and rounding people up. They have taken pastors. There have been suicide attempts. People are afraid to come out of their homes. And now the White House is posting disgusting videos showing these human beings in chains being deported to a country that is not safe. If you want us to get upset about a blogger, you’re going to have to make us more outraged than we are by this. And that’s not gonna happen. There are some stains that don’t wash out.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

As rescue teams searched for missing people following catastrophic flooding along the Nepal-China border, Earth scientists reviewed satellite imagery for clues to the cause and assessed the devastation. More: AP

STAVANGER, Norway (AP) — King Harald V of Norway, who went into exile in the United States as a child during the Nazi occupation of his homeland and refused a string of potential brides from the European nobility so he could marry his longtime sweetheart, died Friday. He was 89. More: AP

JACKSON HOLE, Wyoming (AP) — Federal Reserve Chair Kevin Warsh said Friday that inflation is still too high and suggested the central bank may have to raise interest rates in the coming months to bring it down, a clearer signal than he had sent previously about his economic outlook. More: AP

It’s been six months since the United States and Israel attacked Iran with the perennial goal of transforming the Middle East through military force. The region has changed, but not in the way they had hoped. More: AP

A federal judge on Thursday halted — at least for now — attempts to implement President Donald Trump’s executive order limiting mail voting. More: AP

MIAMI — Tropical Storms Karina and Lowell formed Thursday in the Pacific Ocean, both of which were expected to become hurricanes in the next few days, the National Hurricane Center said. More: NBC News

A federal judge blocked the Defense Department’s blacklisting of Anthropic on Thursday, ​the latest turn in the Claude maker’s high-stakes fight with the military over AI safety ‌on the battlefield. More: NBC News

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) made it clear he still has his eye on the presidency after a failed bid in 2016. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We’d like to start today with an apology for being such sexy bummers yesterday. We were being Debbie Downers and y’all reminded us that people are fired up and the haters can get fucked. Thanks for the reminder. We’d like to repay your kindness by starting out today’s newsletter with the best thing you’ll ever see…

FUCK YESSSSSSSS!!!!! Who is this brilliant badass?! We’ve never heard of The Stacey Show, but we are big fans now. Dear god we have found our spiritual coach for the next 68 days. She’s like Ted Lasso with a dirty mouth. She’s an elephant dart full of Lexapro and speed right to the forehead. This is the mindset we are embracing down the homestretch. And this is the video we are clipping to watch whenever we get discouraged or depressed. It really is a miracle that after a decade of dumbshit, Americans can still put on a smile and go to battle for their country. We fucking love it.

So thank you to this angel of inspiration and motivation. And thank you to all of you. Y’all keep us going and keep us fighting, and we hope we can do the same for you on some days. The thing about fascist scum is they are relentless. It’s exhausting. But we don’t have the luxury of exhaustion right now. So to quote The Stacey Show, “Fuck Donald Trump and fuck every motherfucker that has anything to do with that piece of shit!” Now let’s raise the frequency. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note three: Florida Republicans stole from poor people. Scumbags. More: WEARTV

Note four: Trump is telling people to pretend he’s on the ballot. We are too. More: HuffPost

Note five: It turns out that it’s legal to drive around Capitol Hill with a working guillotine. We have mixed feelings about this.

Note six: You know how we all think Trump is like stupid Hitler? Well apparently the people who work for him think so too. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Adam once criticized Dana Bash for “new tone” coverage and she responded by saying his kind of rhetoric was what caused Jan. 6. So yeah we’ve thought of her as pretty biased for a while now. More: Mediaite

Note eight: MAGA has lost Jelly Roll, and they are not taking it well. More: MeidasNews

Note nine: We’re not gonna link to the video because it’s horrifying, but flash flooding in Nepal is yet another wake-up call that our planet is sick and going to kill us all. More: NBC News

Note 10: It’s such a huge bummer watching Abdul El-Sayed have to fight Republicans and much of his own party. Especially when the man can do such great impressions…

Note 11: The official story about the CIA director going to Russia is that Trump is worried Putin will attack a NATO country and Ratcliffe was trying to stop it. Sure, Jan. We totally believe that. But only because we’re total fucking morons. More: The Guardian

Note 12: Losing Tim Curry the day after losing Dolly just feels like a cruel joke. What was your favorite of his? For us it has to be Clue. More: NBC News

Note 13: The Los Angeles Sparks’ Cameron Brink doesn’t mince words. It’s one of many reasons we are huge fans. This is what it looks like to stand up for women’s sports. More: Threads

Note 14: Just a reminder that Trump is still trying to fire Lisa Cook and she isn’t afraid of his bullshit. More: AP

Note 15: If you try to redistrict in a red state, Republican judges will help you do it. If you try to redistrict in a blue state, Republican judges won’t let you. We are so fucking sick of this shit. More: NBC News

Note 16: There are still elections in September, which seems bonkers to us. But our friends at Bolts Mag have you covered. More: Bolts Mag

Note 17: It can be tempting to think people aren’t doing enough to fight fascism. But Americans are in the streets standing up for what’s right. We see you. And we think your patriotism is sexy as all hell.

Note 18: It would probably be quicker at this point if Georgia’s Mike Collins just gave us a list of his staffers who weren’t in the KKK. More: Advocate

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re laughing at Ted Cruz and his tiny dick. We’re not even kidding. Teddy Cancun had yet another social media humiliation yesterday when he tried to praise Dolly but ended up retweeting an account called “Ted Cruz’s Tiny Dick.” LOLOL!!! Perfect. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that limp and shriveled up note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if not, well, it’s time to raise the frequency. Love y’all!

Liar and a Killer

You’re not gonna believe this but the freak who desecrates animal corpses and works out in jeans lied about his past. Raccoon castrator RFJ Jr. The AP and The Guardian are reporting that new documents make clear that the felcher lied to the Senate during his confirmation hearings when he said that his trip to American Samoa in 2019 had nothing to do with vaccines. That was a fucking lie. Oh and 83 people died from measles a short time later. This news comes as RFK is accusing Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro of lying about two measles death in the state. It probably goes without saying, but we believe Shapiro.

More: The Guardian, The Hill

Well Shit… Or Don’t

Remember during Trump’s first term when we could get toilet paper? Well it looks like we’re headed for re-run season. So try to hold it if you can. Because of Trump’s stupid trade war against Canada, the price of toilet paper is about to skyrocket. You’ll probably be able to find it, but you’re gonna have to pay extra to wipe your ass. If only we could all just use Trump’s face.

More: The Guardian, HuffPost

AOC Watch

Ok so is this the most important story happening today? Definitely not. But AOC is one of the most talented and promising leaders of the Democratic Party at the moment, so we pay attention when she makes a move. She has rejoined the DSA after a lapse of a few years. Aside from some of the national leadership and self-defeating infighting, we think DSA has been good for a party that needs new energy, new ideas and new branding. We’re damn curious to see what AOC is going to do next, but we think it’ll probably be something awesome.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

SAUGATUCK, Mich. (AP) — When Democrats gathered this week in a West Michigan congressional district they’re trying to flip blue, they wanted to talk about the cost of living under President Donald Trump. But it didn’t take long for the conversation to turn to a controversy dividing their party. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A federal judge on Wednesday rejected the Justice Department’s request to erase Trump ally Steve Bannon’s criminal conviction for refusing to testify before the congressional committee that investigated a mob’s Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol. But it may not be a final decision on the matter. More: AP

PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — Maine’s Republican nominee for governor recently told a crowd of supporters that he would ask a top Department of Homeland Security official to send U.S. Marshals and Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents to polling places in the state for this fall’s midterm elections, according to audio obtained by The Associated Press. More: AP

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration has trained much of its immigration crackdown on people who entered the United States illegally from Mexico and elsewhere, but it is intensifying another battle, this time with people who come legally. More: NBC News

Brooklyn Democratic Party district leaders voted to enact sweeping — and widely decried — changes to the county party’s bylaws Tuesday night that reformers say will help current chair Rodneyse Bichotte Hermelyn maintain control of the organization, according to several people familiar with the voting. More: HuffPost

Fox News’ Will Cain on Wednesday apologized to ex-DNC chair Jaime Harrison after their combative interview a day earlier led the host to pull the plug on his guest. More: HuffPost

A sailor who jumped from the USS Abraham Lincoln this month in what his wife describes as a suicide attempt is now facing disciplinary action from the Navy, according to his wife and charging documents reviewed by MS NOW. More: MS Now

Aug 27 (Reuters) - Ratko Mladic, convicted of genocide for orchestrating the 1995 massacre of at least 8,000 Muslims in a U.N.-designated “safe area” of Bosnia, Europe’s worst atrocity since World War Two, has died, a U.N. official said on Thursday. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today was supposed to be about being immature and laughing at the number of days until the election. We even had a funny joke about Trump 69ing with Satan and Satan getting grossed out and becoming a hardcore Christian only to 69 with Trump again. Unfortunately, we have more important matters to discuss. Y’all, we are nearing the homestretch of the most important election we’re ever gonna see and our party is coming apart. The intramural attacks are about as bad as we’ve seen, and that’s really saying something. We’ve been called names in the last few days that we had never been called before. The anger out there is real. And to top it off, Dolly Parton is dead. FUCK!

The bad news is we don’t have any idea how to fix any of it. Well, Adam has a couple ideas, but Sam grabbed a joint and a boom box and wandered off into a field and we ain’t seen him for a while. We may never see him again. Some of the divisions we’re seeing go back a long time, and it’s fair to wonder right now if we really are capable of being a big tent or if that was just a beautiful lie we’ve told ourselves for years. The divide in our party we’re seeing in Michigan is truly heartbreaking, and we don’t have any words of wisdom or obscenities that will make it better. We’re gonna hope like hell that we win that and every other fucking election and that’s about all we know to say.

Y’all know we try to keep shit light and find the funny in everything, and we will aim to do that the rest of this newsletter. But before we do, we wanted to share this video of Alex Pretti’s parents in a new interview. We know tempers are flaring, fears are high and trust is low. But we really need to come to-fucking-gether and stop this fascist shit. So can we please beat the assholes responsible for this nightmare before we destroy each other?

Sorry for the sermon. Let’s kick some ass. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Now for some good news! Donald Trump thinks the American people just don’t know how great he is, so he is going to do a bunch of ads for the midterms and try to shove himself down our throats. We think this is an excellent strategy, and we encourage him to talk a lot about his fucking ballroom. More: The Atlantic

Note three: The director of the CIA flew to Moscow yesterday. Trump is refusing to say why, but it’s being reported that they were basically begging Putin to stop helping Iran. Talk about loser shit. More: Kyiv Post

Note four: Congratulations to the state AGs who forced Mark Suckerberg into a $17 billion settlement over charges he makes addictive shit for teens. Let’s hope this is just the beginning of that asshole’s end. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re gonna talk Dolly in the news section, but we do want to share some tributes before then…

Note six: We have mostly stayed away from the Dan Sullivan and Dan Sullivan story because it confuses the shit out of us. More: NBC News

Note seven: A lot of our fellow Democrats were furious yesterday to see that Hakeem Jeffries made Jared Moskowitz the ranking member on the House Foreign Affairs Committee. Our hunch is this is Hakeem trying to give Moskowitz a way to keep his seat in a redrawn Trump +10 district. But man leadership is playing with fire by ignoring the people who are pissed at the Israeli government. How many people do we want staying home this November? More: Axios

Note eight: It’s so great to see Americans coming together to hate on data centers. We sure hope Trump keeps telling everyone how awesome they are. More: HuffPost

Note nine: The Chicago Sky have banned Asshole Enes Kanter. Unfortunately, there are reports that the WNBA won’t follow suit. Guess they’re not worried about protecting their fans from right-wing nutjobs who hate them. More: ESPN

Note 10: Trump’s stupid trade war with Canada is sure fun for Republican candidates on the border lolol…

Note 11: We were already boycotting Target, but now we plan to give their stores the finger when we drive by. We’d ask what were they thinking, but at this point it seems obvious. More: AP

Note 12: Are we like a thousand percent sure that Darlene Graham isn’t actually Lindsey? This might be the greatest comedic bit since Andy Kaufman. More: AP

Note 13: We know we say this a lot, but try to imagine how it would have been covered if Obama had done something like this…

Note 14: Trump is literally threatening to demolish the Kennedy Center if he doesn’t get to put his name on it. Go ahead, chump. We fucking dare you. More: AP

Note 15: Hey Ohio! Vivek Ramaswamy says he’s supporting alleged wife beater Max Miller. We didn’t think Vivek could get any scummier. We were wrong to doubt him. More: HuffPost

Note 16: LSU has really done something remarkable. All three of their major sports coaches are the biggest turds on the planet. We hope Kim Mulkey fucks all the way off after treating her Ukrainian superstar like shit. And Will Wade and Lane Kiffin can kiss our asses too. More: ESPN

Note 17: Try to imagine Eric Adams doing this. It’s so cool the way Zo actually loves the people he serves.

Note 18: We’d like to send a giant FUCK YOU to the cowardly Wisconsin prosecutor who is giving Elon Leon Musk a free pass for voter fraud. Maybe this chickenshit should get out of the way and let a real prosecutor have that job. More: Green Bay Press Gazette

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, it’s Dolly. Dolly and Kermit and the kind of goodness that makes you feel warm all over…

Note 20: And on that note that totally didn’t make us cry, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Don’t forget to chuckle about there being 69 days until the elections. Love y’all!

For Pete’s Sake

Welp, Pete Hegseth broke the military. You already knew he broke the Navy, but he has also fired so many generals that now we’re running low. And that’s where you wanna be during a stupid war that we’re losing. The New York Times reports that Hegseth fired one general for refusing to drop the investigation over the Kid Rock fly-by. And when Joni Ernst called Trump to complain about it, the cankles-in-chief said sorry but it was Pete’s decision. So the gameshow host president has turned over the world’s biggest and most advanced military to a Fox News weekend host who has no fucking idea what he’s doing. Thank goodness these assholes support the troops. Can you imagine what a nightmare it would be if they didn’t?

More: New York Times, New Republic

Run, Republicans, Run!

Ralph Alvarado is a hardcore right-winger. He was even buddies with disgraced Kentucky ex-governor Matt Bevin. And now Ralph is running scared. In the Kentucky 6th District, which includes the blue dot of Lexington, Alvarado has taken down photos of himself with Trump and removed some “pro-Trump messages” from his website, according to NBCNews. Democrat Zach Dembo clearly has Republicans scared, and the reason is Trump. Democrats haven’t won this seat since 2008. If Alvarado is this freaked out, then the whole party must be shitting itself.

More: NBC News, Yahoo News

Oh Dolly

Well we’re a goddamn mess. And we know it’s not just us. We loved Dolly Parton. And we mean that literally. Sam went to see Steel Magnolias in the theater with his mom. We remember watching 9 to 5 as kids and being blown away. We have Jolene on all of our playlists. Dolly was a ride-or-die ally for the LGBTQ+ community, a champion of literacy and a big reason why we got the Moderna covid vaccine. She was an actual angel on Earth, and we are going to miss her. Thank you, Dolly, for bringing us together again. This time it’s to mourn and celebrate you. There will never be another like you. Rest easy, ma’am.

More: YouTube

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — An inflation measure closely watched by the Federal Reserve stayed elevated last month in the latest sign that many Americans are still struggling with higher costs. More: AP

Three U.S. Secret Service officials were placed on administrative leave Tuesday, pending the outcome of an investigation by the agency’s professional standards office. More: AP

TORONTO (AP) — Canada struck back at the United States on Tuesday with retaliatory tariffs on about $20 billion worth of American goods, including steel, dairy products, appliances and farm equipment, as the trade war between the once-friendly neighborsescalated sharply. More: AP

James Talarico, the Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate in Texas, wants to reveal depositions involving Ken Paxton, his Republican opponent, as part of an ongoing effort to keep the focus on Paxton’s history of scandals. More: AP

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump’s rapidly escalating trade war with Canada could be a political disaster for Republican Senate candidates in a quartet of states bordering the country, a region particularly vulnerable to trade disruptions with the neighboring nation and one where undecided voters are more likely to blame the GOP for the economic pain. More: HuffPost

The president of the United States Cattlemen’s Association, Justin Tupper, slammed President Donald Trump’s recent decision to reduce tariffs on certain beef imports. More: HuffPost

National Nutrition Adviser Ben Carson went viral on Monday after making a suggestion about hot dogs that likely won’t cut the mustard with many nutritionists.

During an event that was meant to promote using food from local farmers for school lunches, Carson said it was important for kids to know where their food comes from and to taste vegetables right from the source. More: HuffPost

It’s safe to say that if the plot of “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” was going down today in real life, Megyn Kelly would tear Dolly Parton’s character to shreds on her podcast. More: HuffPost

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we have always been proud Americans. Well, maybe not always. But we do consider ourselves patriots. And very, very sexy. But today, we are Canadian. Yeah, we are so fucking embarrassed and so fucking sorry that our dipshit president is treating our neighbors so horribly that we’re going honorary Canadian today. We hope they’ll have us. We promise we’re a better trade than Ted Cruz.

The thing we want our Canadian friends to know is that some of us are better than this idiot. We all think he’s an ass. No, literally. Look at this picture. He’s literally all ass…

Yowzer! See what we mean? He’s such an ass that he is becoming all ass. He’s had a butthole mouth for years, but now his gargantuan booty is taking over the rest of his gross body. Like the mystery bruises on his hands, his massive butt is spreading. Soon, he will be nothing but ass. Just two giant orange buttcheeks farting out idiotic screeds about renaming Lake Ontario and making everyone wanna hurl in the process. He’s already full of shit, so this is the obvious next step in his evolution.

We’re sorry the president is an ass, Canada. We love you, and we’re grateful to you for being such great neighbors. We are working on a national hemorrhoid cream that we call the midterms. We can’t get rid of this asshole, but maybe we can shrink him down. Y’all have a blessed day. Elbows up. More: Axios, AP

Note two: Believe it or not, we are still having elections ahead of the midterms. If people are voting near you, please join them and vote against any shitheads on the ballot. Thank you for your attention to this bladder. More: Bolts Mag

Note three: South Carolina Republicans will decide today if they want Dumbshit Darlene or Jan. 6 asshole Ralph Norman. The Palmetto State deserves better. We all do. More: AP

Note four: Lindsey Graham is still dead.

Note five: Michigan Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed went on Fox News last night and ate Jesse Watters’ lunch. This took a lot of guts, and we thought he handled himself really well.

Note six: Abdul also put some distance between himself and Hasan Piker yesterday. We’re not the hugest Piker fans, but we really don’t get why his every word is dissected while the richest man in the world calls for a race war every goddamn day and nobody says a damn thing. It sure is a mystery why some people are held to different standards. More: NBC News

Note seven: We were thinking that Gary, Indiana would be a big scandal for Trump is the people who lived there were white. Then we remembered Katrina was a big scandal for Bush. So maybe the press are just more racist now than they were then. Or maybe they just gave up. More: NBC News

Note eight: The State Department wants to sell a painting by artist Kehinde Wiley because they say it’s “woke” and “aesthetically terrifying.” In other words, it features Black people. And Wiley painted President Obama’s official portrait, and we know how much Trump hates all things Black and Obama. More: New York Times

Note nine: A U.S. military plane has landed in Moscow, and nobody seems to know why. Our guess is that it’s either picking up a new Melania or some more pee tapes. More: NBC News

Note 10: The most charmless couch-fucker in the world went to Maine yesterday. He’s so toxic that Susan Collins was too concerned to be seen with him. But he went ahead and did some damage to her anyway. Thanks, JD!

Note 11: You might think Trump’s shitty approval numbers don’t matter. But they clearly matter to him, and we love that he’s feeling the pain. More: USA Today

Note 12: Two people in Pennsylvania have died from Measles. But have you seen the raccoon dick brainworm guy do push-ups in jeans? More: ABC News

Note 13: Speaking of fucked up Kennedys, the Kennedy Center was devasated after Trump put his name on the building. Are there any parts of D.C. left that Trump hasn’t completely fucked? More: Yahoo

Note 14: Instead of giving attention to the limp-dick losers who are fucking with the WNBA, we thought we’d instead celebrate Angel Reese setting league reboudning records. Sam looks at this and sighs because the L.A. Sparks totally could have drafted her. Congrats, Angel! More: AP

Note 15: We know y’all hate Pete Hegseth, but we’re gonna need you to step it up and hate him even more. He’s at war with our trans friends because he’s losing every other war. Fucking asshole.

Note 16: Well this makes the start of football season feel pretty gross. A new study out about CTE confirms the horrible truth we’ve known for a while. More: NBC News

Note 17: Two more children were killed in Gaza yesterday. Y’all, this is not ok and that shouldn’t be controversial to say. More: NBC News

Note 18: We have said this many times over the last several years, but we are damn glad to not be 49ers fans. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hollywood. If you’ve been with us for a while, then you know how angry we were when the head of Warner Bros. killed the movie Coyote vs. Acme. It was already finished! And it features one of the nicest people you will ever meet in Will Forte. So here’s a clip of Will talking about the movie’s journey and asking people to go see it so we can send a message to the rich fuckheads who tried to kill it. More: Instagram

Note 20: And on that looney tunes note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re fucking with Canada, in which case we hope you poop broken glass. Love y’all!

Sorry, Everybody!

So we read your comments yesterday about our take on Hakeem meeting with Kushner. We hear you. And the truth is we had some internal debates about how to respond. Sam wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We get why everyone is furious at him, and frankly we were too. He also heard the anger and put out a video last night explaining himself. While we aren’t buying the bullshit that Kushner wants to talk about affordability (what the fuck would that spoiled rotten shit know about affordability?), we have backed Jeffries for a while. We know that pisses off a lot of people, so we figured we’d tell you why. First, he has kept the caucus together the last two years. That is not easy to do. Second, he would be the first Black Speaker of the House in American history, and that is something we would like to see. And third, Speaker Pelosi thinks he’s good at this stuff, and her opinion on this means a lot to us. Still, Hakeem fucked up and we’re glad he seems to know it. He needs to build trust with his own party, and we really hope he understands that.

More: The Hill

Scary SCOTUS

Yesterday afternoon, Trump’s Supreme Court made a surprise move on mail-in voting that scared the living shit out of us. The court removed an injunction against Trump’s executive order that would essentially gut the voting method and let a corrupt Postal Service decide who gets a ballot. This is not the final word on mail-in voting, and hope springs eternal. But we believe Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson when she warns this could create “chaos.” Trump is going to attempt another coup, and it seems like SCOTUS will have his back this time. As your making your plan to vote this year, please consider voting in-person if you can.

More: AP

Send Her Back

We saw someone on social media say yesterday that we should return the Statue of Liberty to France, and that’s probably the fair and honest thing to do. Especially after the administration announced yesterday that it’s pulling 200,000 work and tourism visas. This country has already taken massive hits to its labor force and tourism industries, but Trump’s racism is far more important than either of those things. Seeing this shit breaks our hearts. But it also feels like we’re watching the United States of America commit suicide by stupidity. Shame on us.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Golf company Callaway is apologizing over an advertisement for a new driver posted by its media partner Good Good Golf, which depicted violence against women and was subsequently taken down. More: The Hill

Target has removed a clown Halloween costume following criticisms that it evoked blackface, minstrel shows and racist imagery. More: People

TEL AVIV, Israel (AP) — It’s been a year since Israeli soldiers killed 22 Palestinians, including journalists and rescue workers, in a double strike on a hospital in Gaza. No one has been held accountable. More: HuffPost

NEW YORK (AP) — Claims by Jeffrey Epstein’s former girlfriend and longtime associate Ghislaine Maxwell that her sex trafficking conviction was a “complete miscarriage of justice” were rejected Tuesday by a federal judge who said her assertions were based on “speculation, distortions, and/or outright falsehoods.” More: AP

CHICAGO (AP) — Honey. Makeup. Christmas decorations. And hockey sticks.

Those are just a few of the hundreds of different Canadian products that President Donald Trump’s administration has slapped with a 50% tax to enter the United States. The new tariffs, which kicked in Saturday, are expected to affect about $20 billion in Canadian goods, which represents roughly 5% of the $381.92 billion worth of products that the country sent to the U.S. last year. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Serena Williams is back at the U.S. Open for her first match at the Grand Slam tournament since 2022, playing mixed doubles alongside defending men’s singles champion Carlos Alcaraz. More: AP

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you! Welcome back to another week of horrors. This weekend, we saw the president of the United States do another bread and circus event while we questioned what the fuck one of the leaders of our party was doing with Jared Kushner. It was frankly enough to push us over the edge. Sam was especially about to lose his shit. And then we learned something wonderful that completely restored all of our faith and hope for America…

Spiderman is real. And he fucking hates nazis…

Oh hell yes. Get his ass, Spidey. We’re gonna need the Ramones doing the theme like right freaking now. The nazi getting punched is a Jan. 6 scumbag who goes around using the n-word and trying to start fights. It looks like he found one lol. Now y’all know that we are opposed to violence. But much like Joliet Jake from the Blues Brothers, we hate nazis and we have generally been supportive of punching nazis. It’s quite a conundrum.

So let’s just say we’re grateful that Spiderman and his fellow super heroes are out there keeping an eye on things. And if you want to help him pay his legal bills, well that would be ok too. Hopefully nazis will learn not to fuck with your friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Or Minneapolis. Y’all have a blessed day. More: GoFundMe

Note two: We finally did a therapy session last week! If you missed it, you can get caught up at this link. This week, we’re aiming for Wednesday, so plan your meltdowns accordingly.

Note three: Well this is fucking shameful. The father of a USS Lincoln sailor was waiting for his son to come home, and ICE took him. Why the effing fuck would anyone enlist at this point? More: The Guardian

Note four: HUGE congratulations to Karen Attiah. Karen was fired by the Washington Post for telling the truth about Charlie Kirk after he was killed. And now an arbitrator has sided with her. We are always so grateful to Karen for her fierce allegiance to truth and her fearlessness. More: The Hill

Note five: Trouble in gross paradise? Do we think they were fighting about Natalie? Because when Trump left this stupid race, it wasn’t with Melania.

Note six: The National Guard has been patrolling the streets of DC for a year now. It’s fucked up how easily Americans accepted this. It’s even more fucked up the guardsmen and women have to do this shit. More: NPR

Note seven: California AG Rob Bonta is fighting like hell to stop Trump’s buddies from owning Paramount. And he’s largely doing it alone. Both Karen Bass and Xavier Becerra have called for a settlement. Thank you, Rob, for fighting such an important fight. More: CNBC

Note eight: While we’re talking about this merger, we want to take a second to express solidarity with actor Mark Ruffalo. Mark spent the weekend being called an antisemite for simply speaking out against the merger. Antisemitism is a real problem. And it’s made worse by throwing that term at everyone who disagrees with you. More: NBC News

Note nine: Many Hoosiers still don’t have power after storms hit their region. The president of the United States has no idea this is happening and wouldn’t care if he did. More: NPR

Note 10: Professional dirtbag and ex-basketball player Enes Kanter was kicked out of a WNBA game last night. WNBA badass Natasha Cloud walked up on him and repeatedly called him a “pussy” and told him to get out of her league. Kanter, who is trying for relevance as an anti-trans shithead, has been claiming to be a victim in the hours since. Fuck him up, Natasha.

Note 11: We can’t find a story about it to link to, but Mark Cuban said the other day he would run for president as a Republican because it would be fun and disruptive and he can’t run as a Democrat because of DSA. Dude has really been telling on himself a lot since 2024.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 12: We don’t fat shame people. But Trump does so we’ll make an exception. The Washington Post reported that our obese orange president has put on 20 pounds since the campaign. We have too, and we blame him. More: The Independent

Note 13: If we were as good at coming up with catchy nicknames as Trump, we’d probably call Lindsey Graham’s sister Dumbfuck Darlene.

Note 14: Kacey Musgraves is a badass. And MAGA really, really hates her for it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: There are people who say that criticizing AIPAC makes you an antisemite. So what does that make Mike Rogers? More: Axios

Note 16: The Pentagon is censoring information about the war they’re losing against Iran. Their latest step to hide the truth was firing the editor of Stars and Stripes. This should be a much, much bigger deal. More: AP

Note 17: Chris Van Hollen opened the door to a 2028 run this weekend. We really admire Chris, especially when he’s giving answers like this. He proved early on in Trump’s second term that he is a real fighter. If he stays in the Senate and we win it, we hope he’ll give some thought to running for Majority Leader.

Note 18: Asshead Ed Martin, one of the president’s hatchetmen, is leaving the White House so he can get started on fuckface’s next coup attempt. We hope he remembers to eat shit. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to share this cool story about how the new season of Ted Lasso has been driving interest and traffic to the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum in Kansas City. Well done, Coach. More: KMBC

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING! Here’s that Ramones song. Enjoy! More: YouTube

Slava Ukraine!

Today we are celebrating 35 years of Ukrainian independence. God knows it hasn’t been easy for them to keep it. European leaders have joined President Zelensky to celebrate the occasion. It never stops being remarkable to us that these brave people have just flat out fucking refused to go gentle into that bloodthirsty Russian night. For four years, Ukraine has taken Russia’s best shots, and still they stand. It’s a goddamn tragedy that the American president hasn’t done more to stand by them. Happy birthday, Ukraine. And thank you for inspiring us with that Can-Do Fuck-You spirit!

More: AP

Hard Questions for Hakeem

Well let’s start with the obvious one — what the fuck? This weekend we found out that Hakeem Jeffries met secretly last week with Jared fucking Kushner. Instead of finding out about this from the man who wants to be the next Speaker of the House, we found out about it from the New York Times. We have taken tons of shit for backing Jeffries, and we still would like to see him be the first Black Speaker of the House. But this is fucked up and we need some real answers. Like why the hell does Kushner get more respect from our leader than Zohran Mamdani did? Does Hakeem just not care how this looks to people he keeps asking for money and votes from? We want to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but we also don’t want to look like idiots. We’ve seen a lot of folks saying this is a win because it shows that Trump knows he’s going to lose the House and he’s trying to make friends. Yeah, right. It sure as shit doesn’t look like a win to us. If Hakeem wants to be as popular as Chuck Schumer is, then this is a good way to do it.

More: The Guardian

War… Again

Well, the president sure as hell didn’t get any smarter over the weekend. In fact, he seems to have gone the other way. On Friday, Canada walked away from negotiations over a new trade deal and declared they will issue retaliatory tariffs against the United States. Trump’s people made unreasonable demands to the point that Canada had no choice but to walk. And this morning, Trump is promising even more devastating tariffs against the people who helped us after 9/11. We’re sure Susan Collins and Mike Rogers are sure happy to see this. We’re so sorry to our Canadian friends. But we’re also sorry to ourselves because we have to live with this fucking idiot.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy on Sunday used booze to go to bat for the Freedom 250 Grand Prix, a Trump-approved IndyCar street race in Washington, D.C., that’s caused travel headaches and concerns around the nation’s capital. More: HuffPost

Dr. Mehmet Oz, administrator of the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, on Sunday hesitantly corrected Donald Trump, who falsely claimed the measles, mumps and rubella vaccine was “lethal.” More: HuffPost

The Donald Trump aide Natalie Harp flooded a since-disabled social media account with pro-Trump posts on the day that the president’s supporters attacked the US Capitol in early 2021, years before she went to work for him and developed an extraordinary close relationship with him, a new report has revealed. More: The Guardian

Shelley Fabares, an actor who was a fixture on television for decades from her days as a young teenager on “The Donna Reed Show,” through “One Day at a Time” and “Coach,” has died. She was 82. More: NBC News

An out-of-control wildfire that jumped over fire trucks and made it difficult for crews to reach hot spots destroyed homes in northwest Reno, Nevada, on Sunday. Shifting winds challenged firefighters trying to bring it under control, and authorities urged some 90,000 people to evacuate. More: NBC News

HONOLULU — Tropical Storm Moke was swirling past Hawaii on Sunday, close enough to dump heavy rain on Big Island communities in the aftermath of Hurricane Lala. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — The bond market is one of the few forces in the world strong enough to get politicians to snap to attention. It also helps dictate how much ordinary people have to pay on their mortgages and car loans, as well as how much they earn from their savings accounts and 401(k) plans. More: AP

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the funniest fucking thing in the world happened yesterday. Four days into Natalie-gate, Trump called in a special favor. Technicians at Mar-a-Lago went down several hundred feet into the subterranean lair and began defrosting the First Lady. And for the first time in a long time, she showed up at what’s left of the White House…

LOL! Yeah we missed her. Like we miss HPV. Putting aside for a moment how off-putting she is, how hilarious is it that Jon Ossoff rattled this White House so badly that they had to interrupt Mel’s nonstop vacation so she could pretend to be Trump’s wife for a little while? They are shook! We hear they’re even getting her a new coat that says I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY HUSBAND’S WEIRD STALKER; DO U?

We wanted to find out how bad it really is, so we reached out to Natalie Harp for comment…

Us: Hey Nat!
Natalie Harp: SHE CAN’T HAVE HIM BACK! I SWEAR I’LL BURN DOWN THIS WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING!
Us: Ok then.
Natalie: The trees and the wind are laughing at me. Only Orange God can save me. I must nap in the trunk.
Us: Yeah, good luck with that.

This whole story is a mess. But thanks to Melania, it’s now a hilarious mess. And we want to again thank Jon Ossoff for not being afraid to throw a punch, proving that a Democrat can move the news when they try. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hallelujah we’re doing some therapy!!! We are long overdue, and our real therapists are about to give up. How about today at 3:30 p.m. ET/12:30 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then!

Note three: Professional scum Michael Cohen made up with his old boss yesterday as Trump maneuvers to get his felony conviction tossed out. We always thought Trump was the sleaziest piece of shit on the planet. Our apologies to Cohen for leaving him out of that conversation. Eat shit, Mike. We know it’s your favorite food. More: NBC News

Note four: If you pray, say a prayer for the poor Haitians being targeted by the U.S. government. God we suck right now. More: The Independent

Note five: Meet the Press is fucking garbage, and Angie Nixon is a badass. Remember when we thought that nobody could be more pathetic than Chuck Todd?

Note six: Nancy Kissinger died. And Henry Kissinger is still quite dead. More: Fox5NY

Note seven: We’re sending love to Gary, Indiana, which has been without power for days. We sure hope they’ve gotten word about the president’s new helipad. More: AP

Note eight: Here’s an interesting story about who the next White House press secretary might be… we’re just kidding. Why would we give a fuck about who’s going to lie to us next? NO LINK

Note nine: We don’t call women crazy. In our experience, women are totally sane and brilliant and amazing until some asshole dude makes them crazy. But man, these letters from Natalie to Trump are bonkers. More: HuffPost, The Daily Beast

Note 10: We really didn’t want to show you this. We know how much the Sexy Patriots love animals. This made our hearts hurt. What kind of cruel, heartless fuckstains would do such a thing?!

Note 11: Here’s a question — why was there so much outrage directed at Uncommitted in Michigan after 2024, but the Democrats openly campaigning against Abdul El-Sayed are getting a pass? Weird. More: The Hill

Note 12: Thank you to Rosie O’Donnell for taking it to Trump all week as guest host of the Kimmel show. We sure enjoyed it. We’re not sure the president did. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Republicans are not even attempting to hide their bigotry these days. Anyone wanna make sure we beat this fucking asshole?

Note 14: We’re being lied to about how much damage Iran has done to U.S. bases in the Middle East. Shouldn’t that be a big deal for the press? More: MS Now, New Republic

Note 15: We somehow missed this story about Suckass Sam Alito making $3 million from oil and gas interests since joining the court. But hey at least he recused from oil and gas cases. We’re kidding. He’s corrupt as all hell. More: The Guardian

Note 16: We’re not super familiar with this source, but several Black people have been found hanging in the South and we need to talk about it. We’re sorry that we haven’t brought more attention to what’s happening. More: EmeraldBook.org

Note 17: The Treasury Secretary doesn’t know why the cost of oil is rising. Wasn’t this dumb motherfucker supposed to be the smart one?

Note 18: Bill Maher says that Ben Affleck refuses to do his show. And this is why we love Ben Affleck. Well this and Argo. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, let’s check in on Trump’s approval numbers and lol holy shit. We are below the Bush line. And Zeteo is reporting this morning that Trump advisers think his numbers could even fall into the 20s. Ouch.

Note 20: And on that freefalling note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And don’t piss off Jon Ossoff. Dude ain’t fucking around. Love y’all!

Racist Piece of Shit

It turns out that the birther guy who has been resegregating the government is a racist fuck. We’ve all known that for a while now, but he still manages to shock the shit out of us. The latest disgrace is the news that the Navy might scrap plans to name a new aircraft carrier after a Black man who was a bonafide hero at Pearl Harbor so they can instead name it after Trump. Doris Miller was a real American hero. Trump is a draft-dodging disgrace. It’s amazing with all the horrors happening that we still have the capacity to be this pissed off, but man this is fucking infuriating.

More: NBC News

Trading Up

Eric Swalell is having a rough time these days, and we are happy to hear that. We are even happier to hear that voters in his California district have replaced him with someone wonderful. We want to congratulate Aisha Wahab on her win in last night’s special election. We also want to congratulate Democrats for being the party that kicks out its creeps. The two parties ain’t the same.

More: AP

Beef Boy

Oh Trump is getting desperate. With inflation sticking around and the cost of non-poisonous food still high, Trump announced this morning that he is cutting tariffs on beef imports. This is great news for foreign ranchers. But putting aside this specific move, it’s obvious that even Trump’s dumb delusional ass is starting to realize that the numbers are real, the economy sucks and America hates him. Ok so maybe he’s not realizing all of that. But he’s clearly desperate to get prices down before early voting starts. We don’t think it’s gonna work.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Minnesota health officials are warning consumers not to eat certain brands of alfalfa sprouts that have been tied to an unusual outbreak involving different disease-causing bacteria. More: NBC News

Iran said on Friday that its response to any new U.S. threats would be “devastating” after Washington pledged to impose the toughest financial penalties in history with the aim of toppling the Iranian leadership. More: NBC News

NEW YORK — Heavy rain and winds pounded the Northeast U.S. on Thursday as storms tore through a beach on Long Island, stranded dozens of people in their cars in New Jersey and knocked out power in parts of Delaware’s capital city. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Asia-based USS George Washington aircraft carrier is now operating in the Middle East, the U.S. military said Thursday, relieving a long-deployed carrier following reports of mental health challenges and supply shortages aboard while it was supporting the Iran war. More: AP

TORONTO (AP) — The premier of a Canadian province launched a blistering attack on U.S. President Donald Trump on Thursday, calling him a “bad person” and “not to be trusted” and urging Canada to keep fighting rather than rush to make concessions in trade talks with Washington. More: AP

Neutrogena acknowledged Thursday that it made onetime spokesperson Hayden Panettiere“feel unsupported during a very difficult time.” More: HuffPost

In the past seven days, the name “Hasan Piker” has been uttered more than 180 times on Fox News. More: HuffPost

Anna Faris opened up about parenting a “religious” son when she isn’t religious herself on Thursday’s episode of Chelsea Handler’s podcast. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we lost our temper yesterday. And we’re not even a little sorry. We are not yet through Natalie Week and we’re already seeing chickenshit Democratic consultants’ genitals shrivel up and fall off because they’re worried this was below the belt. To those consultants, we say eat shit, fuck off and kiss our asses. We ain’t doing the high road anymore. And we don’t care if that makes things weird for you and your friend Scott Jennings…

Boo-fucking-hoo, Axe. The more we watch people like Axlerod and Rahm, the more shocked we are that Barack Obama had any success at all with such gutless centrists holding him back. Well fuck that and fuck them. This is a new world. It’s a world of monsters and Epstein Island and dead little Iranian girls. It’s a world where Renee Good and Alex Pretti get murdered in the street by masked government thugs. It’s a world far outside of a CNN studio, and it’s a scary goddamn place. We need our people to fight. And we need them to be able to fight without taking shit from their own pearl-clutching side on cable news.

So Axe, either get on board or shut the fuck up. Our party is demanding fighters because we are in a fight for the very soul of our nation. If that feels a little icky, well, too bad. We frankly don’t give a damn if your next beltway cocktail party is a little awkward of if you just go fuck off and shit in your hat. This here is a fighting party, and the wimps can see themselves out. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We know we’ve been absolute assholes about doing therapy. We’ve been squeezing in summer and getting ready to go back to school, and we’re sorry. So we’re planning a big one for tomorrow. We’ll keep you posted!

Note three: Human garbage Elon Leon Musk has now decided that the scum who murdered George Floyd should be freed. Remember when people weren’t sure if the nazi salute guy was a racist? More: WOWT

Note four: Michael Cohen is back with Trump. This is why we can’t trust former Trumpers or shit-eating scumbags. More: Politico

Note five: Susan Collins really did misspell Maine in a fundraising email. Yikes.

Note six: Natalie Harp is the gatekeeper to the president of the United States and she didn’t even have a goddamn security clearance. More: MS Now

Note seven: We’ve always known that Randy Fine is a scumbag. But we didn’t know he was the kind of scumbag who roots through people’s mailboxes. Seems like the kind of dude who has definitely stolen women’s underwear from a laundromat. More: HuffPost

Note eight: U.S. Airman Jason Watson isn’t afraid, and he isn’t stopping. This is the kind of courage we think of when we think of what makes this country great. Thank you, Jason! More: The Hill

Note nine: If we had a real president and a real news media, then you might know that your fellow Americans in Hawaii have been going through hell. We’re sending love and aloha. Y’all hang in there! More: The Guardian

Note 10: Gayle King really, really sucks. Democrats going on CBS need to know they are going on a GOP channel, and they should prep accordingly.

Note 11: Jon Ossoff went on tv last night and said “no one cares” about all the whining out of the White House. We might have developed a bit of a man-crush here. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We’re not super smart about the bond market, but we know this shit ain’t good. More: NBC News

Note 13: We’re not saving this for the Happy Ending because it was getting repetitive, but congrats to Rosie on her ratings bonanza. This will make Trump crap ketchup.

Note 14: LOL. You’ll never believe it, but the MyPillow asshole is crashing out. Is he the only person in history who was probably cooler and smarter when he was smoking crack? More: NBC News

Note 15: It really should be a bigger deal that the president of the United States is trying to put an American man in prison for 10 years based on a very, very obvious lie. More: NBC News

Note 16: Sean Duffy is worried what would happen to his daughter at Harvard. Yeah, it ain’t like the family-friendly den of horrors that is Fox News. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We love that Trump wants to be Mr. Data Center. When is he going to build some around Mar-a-Lago?

Note 18: Will we follow LeBron to Philly? The DNC has narrowed down its choices for the 2028 convention, and City of Brotherly Love is on there next to Boston and Denver. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish all the teachers, parents and students a happy Back-to-School season. We hope y’all have a great school year. And since Sam’s late mother was a PE teacher, we just absolutely love this…

Note 20: And on that fun but slightly traumatizing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. Unless you’re a Democratic strategist who hates Democrats. Then you can just fuck right off. Love y’all!

Secretary Mrs. Hegseth

We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Pete Hegseth doesn’t seem to be in charge at the Pentagon. The bad news is that Pete Hegseth doesn’t seem to be in charge at the Pentagon. The New York Times has a story about the “bonkers” role that Jennifer Hegseth plays in her husband’s job. As fucked up as this is, we can’t blame her for this asshole being out campaigning while he’s losing a war and murdering little girls. But it sure is fucked up!

More: New York Times, The Independent

$40 Trillion

Yesterday, the U.S. national debt hit $40 trillion. On the same day, the president of the United States took the press on a tour of all the remodeling he’s doing at the White House. He even took a minute to install some gold coins and his signature on the new helipad. So yeah, the same dumbfuck who let a drugged out South African take a chainsaw to our federal government in the name of savings is now spending money like its water as the debt hits records and it gets more expensive for the rest of us to borrow. What kind of idiot country would believe that Republicans give a damn about spending?

More: AP

Six Sucky Months

Remember that war we won? Well it’s been going on for almost six months. And an increasingly delusional and desperate president is running out of tough talking Truth Social posts to convince Americans that he knows what he’s doing. His latest idea is “economic D-Day” that will supposedly isolate and cripple Iran financially. Sure, bro. As long as you don’t count North Korea, China and Russia. Trump fucked up big time, and he has not idea how to un-fuck up so this might go on for a while. Our military deserves better. We all do.

More: WJCL

Today’s clips

Former Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) reportedly had his phone seized by FBI agents at San Francisco’s airport Saturday as the White House released old investigative files. More: Raw Story

NEW YORK (AP) — A rise in oil prices on Thursday is sending worries about inflation and yields in the bond market higher, erasing some of the relief the U.S. Treasury Department created the day before. A drop for Walmart following its latest profit report helped drag the U.S. stock market lower. More: AP

CHICAGO (AP) — Meta insists it has a long history of protecting its youngest customers as it defends itself against a swath of lawsuits alleging its social media empire harms children. More: AP

KHAN YOUNIS, Gaza Strip (AP) — Palestinian children who have lost limbs during the Israel-Hamas war since Oct. 7, 2023, are taking swimming lessons in Khan Younis, Gaza, through classes organized by the nonprofit Heal Palestine. More: AP

The longtime publisher of Stars and Stripes has announced his retirement, ending a decades-long career with the military newspaper as Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’sPentagon moves to exert editorial control and eliminate what it asserts are “woke distractions.” More: AP

After winning the Democratic primary to represent Florida’s 25th congressional district, Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-Fla.) didn’t thank voters or pivot to his Republican opponent in the November general election. He pivoted to Hasan Piker. More: HuffPost

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. — A Missouri judge has allowed new U.S. House districts backed by President Donald Trump to be used in the November elections, rejecting a bid by to put the Republican-friendly districts to a statewide vote of the people. More: NBC News

Note: We were gonna be so fucking clever today, Sexy Patriots. We were really proud of ourselves. We saw Darlene Graham completely biff a question in her Senate debate, and we were on it. We even wrote out song lyrics to the tune of “Jolene” about what a dunce she is. (We’re begging of you please move to Iran!). But there’s something that has REALLY been bothering us and we want to talk about it.

The president of the United States had to pay $6 million to a woman he sexually abused and defamed and reporters have not asked one single question about it. For fuck’s sake, the Supreme Court has literally denied Trump’s appeals twice now. What more of a news hook do those goddamn cowards need to ask about it? As far as we can tell, only one NBC reporter has ever broached the subject since a judge called Trump a “rapist.” That reporter asked Elise Stefanik about it during the 2024 campaign and then immediately lost his seat on the plane. Nobody has asked since. How the effing fuck is that possible?

Obviously we criticize the press a lot. Some of it is working the refs, but most of it is legit outrage at the appalling double standards applied to Democrats and Republicans. BUT HOW THE FUCK DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAVE TO PAY MILLIONS FOR HIS SEX CRIMES AND NOT GET ASKED ABOUT IT?!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOU GUTLESS WUSSES WHO USED TO BRAG ABOUT HAVING TRUMP’S CELL PHONE NUMBER?! WHY DON’T YOU PSYCHOS FUCKING CARE THAT THE PRESIDENT IS A RAPIST?!

This has been bothering us for a while, and it will continue to bother us until one of those ass-kissing weasels finds a tiny fraction of the courage E. Jean has shown for years and asks that gross orange shithead about his crimes. Or they can just keep talking about how extreme it is to want healthcare for everyone. Fucking assholes. Y’all have a blessed day.

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Note two: And this is that Darlene Graham debate answer. Yikes. She’s gonna fit right in with Trump’s Republican Party.

Note three: Hey Alaska! Are you ready to help us take back the United States Senate! Let’s fucking go!!! More: AP

Note four: Republicans are now in Day Three of a total meltdown over Jon Ossoff mentioning Trump’s diaper caddie, and Ossoff has shown that Democrats can move the conversation when they have the guts to do so. Oh and btw, CNN, WaPo, the NYT and TMZ have all done stories about how fucking weird the whole Natalie sitch is. Well done, Sen. Ossoff. Eat shit, pearl-clutchers. More: CNN

Note five: Our favorite part so far is watching defender of women Scott Jennings almost cry about it. Someone should grab him by the pussy. More: HuffPost

Note six: Hey Pennsylvania! Yinz guys just flipped a statehouse seat in an area that Trump won by 18 fucking points! Well done! More: Newsweek

Note seven: This is the best fucking news we’ve seen in a while. Also, if you’ve accused Dr. Fauci of being a murderer, this is not for you.

Note eight: Here’s an ugly Florida story that somehow seems like a re-run. Ron DeSantis’s good buddy was arrested for molesting his grandson. This is why it’s ok to hate these fucking scumbags. More: The Guardian

Note nine: It seems really obvious that Trump and Hegseth have broken the United States Navy, and that really should be a bigger story. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Wow. Cory Mills lost his primary. Imagine being too scummy for Florida Republicans. More: NBC News

Note 11: We can’t in good conscience ask people to send money to Florida to try and elect an ex-Republican. But man Byron Donalds really sucks. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Want to know why Mayor Mamdani has skyrocketing approval numbers? Because he actually likes and wants to help the people he’s serving. How radical.

Note 13: RIP to Frank Beard. Nobody has ever done it like ZZ Top. More: YouTube

Note 14: We’ve already been burnt so badly by polls. And now some assholes are out there publishing fake numbers. We’re so fucked. More: AP

Note 15: Remember last year when Republicans pretended to care about government spending? Guess that was before all the war and gold shit. More: Washington Post

Note 16: It seems bad that the White House is such a joke that they had trouble finding someone who would run the FDA. Doesn’t everyone want to work with raccoon dick brainworm guy? More: NBC News

Note 17: Fox News got caught lying about gas prices this week. It somehow stood out against all their other lies.

Note 18: Even Natalie Harp’s brother is worried about her. We would be too. She rides in the goddamn trunk. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we hate to do a repeat of yesterday, but you really gotta see Rosie fucking up Trump…

Note 20: And on that knee-slapping note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week, and we know that you would ask about E. Jean Carroll if you got the chance. And after you got done throwing rotten fruit. Love y’all!

Sunshine State

It was a weird night in Florida. But what else is new? Democratic Socialist candidates lost primaries to establishment incumbents, but a DSAer beat Alex Vindman for the Democrats’ U.S. Senate nomination. We have always been big fans of Angie Nixon, but we are always skeptical of getting our hopes up in Florida. The truth is Florida scares us. In lots of ways. Congrats to everyone who ran, and thank you to Vindman for his quick and full-throated endorsement of Nixon.

More: NBC News, AP

Terminator Too

We already know that AI is coming for jobs. We just didn’t know it would be coming for GOP Senate jobs. Yeah, Senate Republicans are big worried that their guys like Jon Husted in Ohio are seen as pro-data center (which they are) and will pay a price for it. In a memo from the NRSC, Republicans basically begged AI companies to spend more money to elect Republicans who will greenlight more data centers. LOL. They’re scared. Good. They fucking should be.

More: Axios

Out of Orange Juice

Donald Trump has lost it. There’s the lame PeeWee Herman attacks against Ossoff. There’s that idiotic thing about dumb being spelled with a b. And then there’s the fact that several of his endorsed candidates are losing. LOL. This morning, he’s claiming that he told Cory Mills to get out of the race. Sure you did, champ. And that healthcare plan is coming in two weeks.

Today’s clips

Longer-term U.S. Treasury yields dropped sharply Wednesday after the Treasury Department announced that it would increase the size of its government debt repurchases by “at least double” in a surprise move. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump late Tuesday slammed the brakes on a wave of tariffs that were set to hit Canada at midnight. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — A Trump administration task force created to combat antisemitism pushed for settlements with Ivy League universities despite government investigations that were rushed and incomplete or that failed to establish legal violations by the schools, a former Justice Department lawyer alleged in a whistleblower disclosure obtained by The Associated Press. More: NBC News

Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro announced significant restrictions on data center projects Tuesday, signing an executive order to stop “predatory” backers and “bad proposals from infecting our commonwealth.” More: NBC News

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Across 250 years, only three elected governors out of thousands have been Black –- all Democrats and all men, including current Maryland Gov. Wes Moore. More: AP

THE HAGUE, Netherlands (AP) — The International Criminal Court on Wednesday slammed the latest U.S. sanctions targeting senior ICC staff, including its president, as a “flagrant attack” on the global tribunal’s independence and vowed to continue seeking justice for atrocities around the world. More: AP

A lot of conservatives have raged against Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-Ga.) since he made some pointed comments about President Donald Trump ― but Fox News host Jesse Watters has refused to join the pile-on. More: HuffPost

Stephen Colbert asked the Emmys crowd last year to get his writers another gig after “The Late Show” ended.

And now they’re getting one by working on this year’s ceremony with Emmys host Mariska Hargitay. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we must be near election season because everyone is freaking the fuck out. Including us. We know a lot of you are worried about fissures in the Democratic Party and what that means for November. We know even more of you are worried that the Jan. 6 asshole won’t let us actually have free and fair elections. We get it. There’s a lot to worry about. So we figured it was time for us all to take a deep breath and remember something very important…

America fucking hates Donald Trump.

Yowzer. No wonder his diaper is always full. He’s now less popular than the Lettuce Shittin’ Disease that he failed to stop. Seriously. Americans are like yo this salad just made me poop myself so bad that I ruined my pants and one of my shoes but at least it didn’t start a stupid fucking war in Iran that killed a bunch of little girls and drove gas prices up. In fact, a poll we did on our own revealed that 67 percent of Americans just crapped themselves and want Trump to release the Epstein files.

Our point is this — we have the wind at our backs. We are going to do the work, we are going to tell the truth and we are going to win. We are going to beat Trump and his freaks. Again. And then slowly, but surely, we are going to restore some common decency and some common goddamn sense to this country. And if not, we’ll just all shit ourselves to death. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Pete Hegseth traveled to Iowa in his “personal capacity.” WHAT?! This dumb drunk motherfucker is losing soldiers and losing a war and he’s launching his goddamn presidential campaign? Do we even have a fucking press corps anymore? More: Washington Post

Note three: Trump yelled at a CNN reporter yesterday. Then the White House attacked her and her children. And once again the press just took it. Sigh. More: The Independent

Note four: Trump also honored that teenager lifeguard yesterday, admitting that he is a selfish coward in the process. More: The Guardian

Note five: Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz. They have attacked ships every day for like two weeks. Nothing is getting through there. So of course the shit-for-brains moron who calls himself our president is posting shit like this…

Note six: While we’re hating on the press, we’d like to point out again that not one of them has asked about E. Jean Carroll. Maybe we’re old fashioned, but we think it’s newsworthy that the president of the United States had to pay $6 million to the woman he sexually abused and defamed.

Note seven: We think it is really, really funny that Abdul El-Sayed keeps bringing up Trump’s hygiene. Or lack thereof. More: HuffPost

Note eight: It’s an Election Day! If people are voting near you — looking at you, Florida and Alaska — then please join them and vote for good people over assholes. Thank you for your attention to this matter. More: AP

Note nine: Welp, the guy who cuts of raccoon dicks has successfully fucked up vaccination rates. Are we great again or what? More: HuffPost

Note 10: LOL. We’re disloyal Americans because we don’t support Trump’s stupid ballroom. Try to imagine Obama saying this. Then try to imagine the press outcry if he did. Fuck that ballroom.

Note 11: The Lakers are a mess. We’re not saying this is all happening because Jeanie Buss endorsed Spencer Pratt. But we’re not not saying it either. More: NBC News

Note 12: Can you imagine the outcry if a Democratic administration spied on churches? Well, Trump’s DHS did exactly that in Minnesota and you haven’t heard dick about it. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 13: This is a great ad from James Talarico. Also, what the fuck is wrong with Republicans?

Note 14: Wouldn’t it be awesome if a California jury destroyed Meta? More: AP

Note 15: Madonna got the most MTV VMA nominations. Can someone tell us what year it is because we might be concussed… More: AP

Note 16: Maybe it’s petty, but we like when Trump voters get screwed by Trump. After all, we did try to warn them. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Seriously. How is this not a massive fucking scandal?! Our sailors are attempting suicide!

Note 18: It is objectively hilarious that Stephen A. Smith was called out for disrespecting Black women and he went on Hannity to fight back. What a fucking hack. More: News Nation

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, just take a look at who is guest-hosting Kimmel…

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start and your approval rating is higher than Trump’s. But we know it is because you’re awesome. Love y’all!

Mad Mouse

Well it took longer than it should have, but Mickey Mouse is firing back. Disney is suing the FCC over its authoritarian tactics. Brendan Carr has spent the last two years threatening and shaking down ABC, and apparently they’ve had enough. The FCC has clearly been attacking and abusing ABC’s First Amendment rights because Jimmy Kimmel and the ladies of The View made the president cry and pee himself. It’s about fucking time we saw some of these big corporations fight back instead of just rolling over.

More: NBC News

Lock Him Up!

Donald Trump has said over and over again that voting by mail is fraudulent. So according to him, he committed voter fraud yesterday when he voted by mail in the Florida primaries. We honestly don’t know why this isn’t a bigger deal to the press when this asshole spends like 70 percent of his time attacking this particular method of voting. Maybe they’ve just given up.

More: Politico

LOLOL!!!

Republicans are VERY mad at Jon Ossoff. The day after the Georgia senator merely mentioned that Trump would rather “travel around with Natalie,” the party of Grab ‘Em By the Pussy is furious that Ossoff would suggest that Trump is having an affair with his weird aide who wrote him love letters. It’s pretty hilarious watching people like Newt Gingrich and Scott Jennings try to claim the high road here. That’s why we were so happy to see Ossoff on MSNow last night saying he doesn’t give a fuck about their crocodile tears. This very clearly struck a nerve with Republicans, and we love when that happens.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Trump administration said Monday it is temporarily pausing construction of a contentious border construction project in Texas’ Big Bend National Park while the head of the agency tasked with building the wall visits to do an “on-the-ground evaluation.” More: AP

A judge on Monday ordered the release of a Kentucky woman who was accused of vandalism at the World War II Memorial in Washington last week, court records showed. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The U.S. and Canada are negotiating in an effort to reach a truce on tariffs before a 12:01 a.m. Wednesday deadline set by U.S. President Donald Trump. More: AP

During a field hearing in Maine on Monday, Rep. Chellie Pingree (D-Maine) pressed for answers regarding the fatal shooting of 25-year-old Johan Sebastián Durán Guerrero by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer this past July. More: HuffPost

White House communications director Steven Cheung doesn’t appear to have appreciated the recent digs made about President Donald Trump by Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-Ga.). More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed y’all so much, and we are filled with gratitude to be back with you today. Seriously, we’ve got gratitude coming out of our ears and asses. And that’s why we’re starting today with something positive instead of again warning about the spreading virus known as Fetterhea (Fetterpes? You know, hating your own party like you’re John Fetterman). And besides, this shit is too good to wait…

OH DAMN! JON OSSOFF FROM THE TOP MOTHERFUCKING ROPE!!! If you don’t know who Natalie Harp is, you are damn lucky and probably better adjusted than the rest of us. She’s the “human printer” who is rumored to be auditioning to be the new Melania and has a Mia-Farrow-in-The-Omen-like love for the grossest sonofabitch on the planet. Until yesterday, it was all whispers and social media conjecture. And then Jon “The Flamethrower” Ossoff tossed a metaphorical molotov cocktail right between the Trumps’ separate bedrooms.

All we can say is a-men, hallelujah and fuck yeah! Because we’ve got these assholes on the run and there are still way too many Democrats hating on each other and fearing their own fucking shadows. Enough! For the next 78 days, it’s all offense all the time until Trump runs off with Natalie and we never see either of their miserable asses ever again. Thanks for showing us the way, Jonny. Let’s fucking go. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We saw actual Democrats using Laura Loomer to attack other Democrats last week. Are we fucking serious? Are we just allergic to winning? Knock it the fuck off!

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note three: Remember Trump’s bullshit MOU with Iran that the mainstream media took seriously for some reason? Well it expires today, and the president is now threatening to bomb Oman. Doing great, honey! More: CNBC

Note four: Stephen A. Smith, ESPN”s fuck-you to America, was awarded the Thumbs Down Award by the National Association of Black Journalists this weekend for always being a piece of shit to Black women. He’s not taking it well. More: HuffPost

Note five: It seems our national media are more comfortable with nazis than Muslims. That’s pretty messed up, y’all…

Note six: RIP to actor Hayden Panettiere. She was only 35. We loved her in Remember the Titans, but man this child actor stuff doesn’t usually turn out great. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Meet the Press is just Bill Cassidy now, which is to say they both got rolled by Todd Blanche’s corrupt ass. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Speaking of Cassidy, what a fucking loser. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Kyrsten Sinema first had sex with her bodyguard at a CNN host’s wedding. Maybe someone actually should drain the fucking swamp. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We take a lot of shit for defending Hakeem Jeffries. Probably because of interviews like this. There are plenty of Republicans to spread Republican talking points on Meet the Press. Can we please stop helping them?

Note 11: We officially have our 2028 calendar. Democrats will be starting with South Carolina and then heading to Nevada. More: NBC News

Note 12: More than 50 Trump appointees are worth more than $100 million. Working people who vote for this kind of shit are suckers. More: AP

Note 13: Before we went with Jon Ossoff for the intro, we were gonna do an interview with George Washington where he talked about how fucking crazy this is and how much Trump smells like rotting ass.

Note 14: Sam went to see Point Break in the theaters last night. We realized later that part of the reason America is hurting is because we never properly mourned the loss of Patrick Swayze.

Note 15: Canada wants to throw the U.S. ambassador out. Do you know how much of an asshole you have to be to get kicked out of Canada? More: Yahoo News

Note 16: We’re almost done with the primaries, y’all. We’ve got Florida tomorrow. Can we please not kill each other after it’s over? More: Florida Today, The Intercept

Note 17: Please don’t judge us for laughing our asses off at this.

Note 18: We now know for certain that Trump tried to hurt the people of Colorado over Tina Peters. And Jared Polis rewarded that mafia behavior by doing what Trump wanted. We’re definitely gonna need to impeach this motherfucker. More: Colorado Pols

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well it’s an ending but there’s nothing happy about it. WHAT IS TRUMP SMUGGLING IN HIS PANTIES?! That ain’t just junk in the trunk. That’s the whole junkyard!

Note 20: And on that bootylicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had the most amazing weekend and didn’t get called out big time for being a sleazebag piece of shit. Love y’all!

So Much Winning

E. Jean beat Trump this morning. Again. Trump’s rigged Supreme Court once again refused to take up Trump’s appeal of the $5 million verdict against him in E. Jean’s defamation case against the man who sexually abused her. Carroll already has the money, and this was Trump’s pathetic attempt to claw it back. What’s crazy is that the most accessible president in history has not been asked one single question about this. Do you think Obama or Biden would get the same pass from the media? It’s hard to say because neither of them are rapist pieces of shit.

More: CNBC

Surrender

It took about 75 years, but Donald Trump managed to officially lose the Korean War. In a rambling and idiotic social media post Sunday night, Trump announced that he’s asking Hegseth to scale back the annual military exercises we do with our South Korean allies. Trump cited his good personal relationship with Kim Jong Un, which never stops being fucking crazy. We are so sorry to our South Korean friends for this disgusting betrayal. The world should know now that the United States of America cannot be trusted or counted on. And that really sucks.

More: AP

Support the Trumps!

Remember when it used to be support the troops? Well we’re apparently not doing that anymore. After reports emerged last week that sailors aboard the USS Lincoln were trying to harm themselves amid horrid conditions after a record-long deployment, Trump came out and said they’re fine and haven’t served long enough. Hegseth essentially called the sailors’ families liars. And social media was filled with right-wingers attacking our sailors as wimps. Our advice to young people everywhere is DO NOT enlist these days. Our military is being led by dumbfucks who don’t care if you live or die.

More: NBC News, NPR, CBS News

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump on Sunday said vandals are to blame for large swaths of dead grass on the National Mall near the World War II Memorial — in the same spot where Trump had a stage built and hosted crowds for his July 4 celebration. More: AP

LAS VEGAS (AP) — Tupac Shakur fans arrived at a Las Vegas courthouse Monday for opening statements in the trial of a man accused of orchestrating the legendary rapper’s killing, the start of weeks of testimony revisiting what happened on a Las Vegas night nearly 30 years ago. More: AP

A Russian court on Monday convicted a prominent opposition politician for speaking out against the war in Ukraine and sentenced him to 11 years and one month in prison in the latest crackdown leading up to next month’s parliamentary election. More: AP

Ukraine launched hundreds of drones across Russia on Sunday, killing at least six people in one of Kyiv’s largest aerial attacks of the war. More: AP

JERUSALEM (AP) — An extremist Israeli lawmaker in Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s coalition publicly advocated for killing “30 to 40” people in Gaza each night, comments that surfaced Sunday and were quickly shared by Palestinian media. More: AP

Lame-duck Rep. Nancy Mace (R-S.C.) has been getting lots of ink ― but not for any political success. More: HuffPost

Fox News anchor Joey Jones unloaded on sailors aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln for complaining about the ever-deteriorating conditions aboard the aircraft carrier deployed to the Middle East since late last year. More: HuffPost