The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman: Today's Big Stuff

Horror Show

Adam Parkhomenko — Fri, 23 Oct 2026 14:28:26 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it would like to kick the Knicks’ owner in the nuts.

Note: Good day to you, Sexy Patriots. We come to you on this Friday with a warning. While things have been officially fucked for a while now, the next 11 days will be some of the weirdest, darkest and ugliest days in the history of the American experiment. Here we were thinking well gosh nothing can get worse than the president of the United States attacking a woman for being raped as a child and then HOLY FUCKING SHIT JUST LOOK AT THIS!

Great. Now we have to worry about this piece of shit getting a cabinet post too. We’re sorry we didn’t give you a trigger warning about that because it’s a really fucked up story about a really fucked up person. What kind of deranged sick fuck kills kittens? Oh right. The kind who runs off with her daughter’s rapist. Remember Joe the Plumber? Man, we kinda miss Joe the Plumber. Because what’s happening in Ohio is beyond disgusting. And we are honestly afraid to ask how much worse it can get.

The good news is we have an opportunity for revenge against these psycho freaks in just 11 days. We don’t even have to wait that long. We can go to Amy’s website and volunteer. Or we can all adopt a kitten to keep them far the fuck away from Amy’s gross mom. Regardless, this is a nice reminder that we are up against actual goddamn evil and we have to leave it all out on the field for the next 11 days. At this point we would walk through fire to vote against these nutjobs. Avenge the kittens. Save America. Vote Blue. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Anyone need some therapy today? Yeah, us too. How about 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then.

Broken Globe

Adam Parkhomenko — Thu, 22 Oct 2026 14:29:50 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never broke Eisenhower’s globe like a dumbass.

It’s Adam’s birthday today, and while Sam considered getting him a cake, we decided that helping grow our independent media empire of two idiots with microphones would be a much better gift. If you’ve been thinking about becoming a paid subscriber, chip in $5 a month today and help us give Adam the best birthday present possible!

Note: We sure do love you, Sexy Patriots. As the woman said, we love you more than our luggage. And today we want to single out a specific group of Sexy Patriots and shower them with that love. Don’t worry. This ain’t a pee tape situation. Today we want to give a special shout out to our Blue Dotters out there. You know who you are. You’re the Blue Dot in a red state or red town or red neighborhood. And you’re not afraid to take any of those fuckers on…

LOL. Fantastic. The thing about Blue Dotters is you can’t scare them. They’re constantly surrounded by pedo-protectors, Russia lovers and crazed cultists. They have to swim through a sea of red hats and shit-breath just to go get groceries. When they go to a No Kings rally, they are the No Kings rally. Their values and beliefs are constantly tested but never swayed. They are behind enemy lines, but they stand tall. It’s about the most Real American shit we can imagine.

So thank you, Sexy Blue Dotters, for keeping the flames of decency, democracy and good hygiene alive in your red nightmares. You’re an inspiration to us all, and an irritation to the worst fucking people on the planet. We salute you for your service, and we ask you to hang in there. Reinforcements are on the way. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey so Couchfuck and Trump have decided to go all-in on being total goddamn scumbags about Amy Acton’s mom. We wrote something about it yesterday, and we hope JD will continue to eat shit.

Note three: When Jon Ossoff raises questions about Natalie Harp, it’s a scandal and everyone clutches their fucking pearls. Trump is cheering on violence at his rallies, and there’s not a fucking peep. More: HuffPost

Note four: Congrats to the Atlanta Dream on their big win in the WNBA finals last night. And fuck you to Benny Johnson and Anus Kanter for trying to mess up the night and make it all about their scummy asses. More: ESPN

Note five: Pete Hegseth broke Eisenhower’s globe. It really makes us wish Pete’s drunken ass knew what a metaphor is…

Note six: AES and Rogers debated again last night, but it didn’t have the same fireworks as earlier debates. At this point, what else is left to say? More: NBC News

Note seven: Wisconsin, we need y’all to make sure David Crowley is your next governor. The other guy is a total fucking asshole. More: NBC News

Note eight: We also need Kansas to shock the world and give Roger Marshall his retirement papers. And then send him to a collection agency. More: NBC News

Note nine: Early voting is surging and we have zero idea what that means. Frankly, it scares the shit out of us. But really everything does these days. More: AP

Note 10: Hey, North Carolina! Please please please double-check everything!!!

Note 11: It’s been a while since we listened to Iron Maiden, but we’re about to fix that. Respect! More: Variety

Note 12: A sitting member of Congress is having to move for her safety. Which Democrats have her back? More: NBC News

Note 13: Anyone else want to see a Democratic Congress make this asshole’s life miserable?

Note 14: You know how we totally won Trump’s stupid war against Iran and everything is cool now? Well just don’t look at the fact that we’re having to evacuate our people from Saudi Arabia. More: CBS News

Note 15: The Supreme Court actually did something not evil for trans people. It really proves what a sick and twisted move by Trump this was. More: AP

Note 16: The scumbags at Meta are having to shell out another $25 billion after a lawsuit. And these are the assholes who Trump says will regulate themselves when it comes to AI. Sure, bro.

Note 17: Well this is really, really fucking funny. Couch Boy went to a Cincinnati Bengals practice, and they straight up did not give a shit. LOL. More: AP

Note 18: We may not believe the polls, but we sure recognize a crash out when we see it. And Trump is crashing the eff out. Dude seriously can’t go 10 minutes without having a tantrum. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish the happiest of birthdays to our own Adam Parkhomenko. He’s a real damn fighter just like you Sexy Patriots, and we are forever grateful for his dedication and leadership. Happy birthday, Park!

Note 20: And on that uncharacteristically sweet note from Sam, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Especially if you’re a Blue Dot being the turd in MAGA’s punchbowl. Love y’all!

See You Soon, Elon

After Politico reported yesterday morning that a Democratic Congress would investigate Elon the Anus Musk, Elon went to twitter to show everyone how tough he is behind a keyboard. “Live by the sword, die by the sword,” Elon wrote on twitter as he promised to go after anyone who goes after him. We understand that Elon is new around these parts, but someone should tell that weird fuck that he’s threatening our representatives and we don’t take too kindly to that. Someone should also tell him that America doesn’t have freakshow oligarchs who get to decide who wins and loses wars for freedom. And then tell him that we’re about to make his life hell.

More: Fox Business

Mississippi Madness

On Monday, there will be eight days until Election Day. And Trump will be going to Mississippi. LOLOL. So things must be going great for Republicans. But he’s right to worry. Democrat Scott Colom is a great candidate who is running a great race. It fucking kills us that he refers to Cindy Hyde-Smith as Cindy High-Prices. That’s so good. And he’s got back-up. Kamala is rallying with him in the state today. Sure, we’re dreaming big but that’s only because Republicans are sweating big.

More: WAPT, Mississippi Today

A Michigan Money Bomb

Influential lobbying organization AIPAC is making a play to elect Mike Rogers and defeat Abdul El-Sayed. Obviously we all saw this coming, but we still thought y’all should know that the group is about to drop another $9 million in the state to try and defeat AES. The good news is that they tried this in the primary and their $30 million didn’t do shit. Regardless of how you or we feel about AIPAC or the Israeli government, surely we can all agree that all this shit is gross and we need money out of politics.

More: Yahoo

Today’s clips

TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) — U.S. House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries listened from the front row at the old Ohio church as the Sunday congregation heard of scripture’s guidance for calming a gathering storm. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — People who rely on employer-sponsored health insurance paid more for their coverage this year, with employees at small businesses and their employers especially squeezed by the surging costs, according to a new survey by healthcare research nonprofit KFF. More: AP

LEWISTON, Maine (AP) — Maine Republican Sen. Susan Collins distanced herself from a new radio ad attacking Democratic opponent Troy Jackson as a “freak” and a “creep” because “he has two kids with his cousin,” saying Wednesday that it should be taken down. More: AP

Federal authorities on Thursday charged a prominent Virginia Democrat with racketeering and a money laundering conspiracy as part of an alleged public corruption case involving a cannabis business she co-owns. More: NBC News

The University of Arizona has suspended a fraternity’s activities after a female student alleged two men sexually assaulted her at the fraternity’s house in August. More: HuffPost

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russia bombarded Kyiv with ballistic missiles in an hourslong nighttime barrage, and the Russian military said Thursday that its air defenses intercepted 808 drones fired by Ukraine at Moscow and other cities, in attacks that dampened new hopes of progress in ending the war. At least two people were killed in Ukraine and dozens of others wounded, officials said. More: HuffPost

The name “Vance” made a big splash on Wednesday in more ways than one.

First: Vice President JD Vance went viral in the worst possible way by saying he was “disgusted” by Republicans who objected to Vivek Ramaswamy’s attack ad against Dr. Amy Acton, where her long-estranged mother, Donna Arthur, called her own daughter a “liar.”

Then the National Hurricane Center announced the name of a new tropical storm in the eastern Pacific: Vance. More: HuffPost

Ohio’s Evil A-hole

Adam Parkhomenko — Wed, 21 Oct 2026 14:18:54 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it thinks Jon Husted’s ass is just so-so.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, you can tell we’re close to an election because things are getting super fucking ugly. And weird. Just plain weird. For example, today we’re actually thanking Susan Collins. Weird, right? We of course detest Susan and we hope she gets her concerned ass whooped in 13 days. So why are we thanking her? Because it had been a while since we told a certain “centrist” asshole to go fuck himself and we kinda missed it…

LOL. Boy Kyrsten Sinema is headed to Maine today to campaign with his fellow sell-out waste of space Susan Collins. And we are grateful for the opportunity to once again tell Manchin to fuck off, eat shit and kiss our asses. And when he’s done with all that, he can go straight to hell and fuck off there too. But let’s put our personal feelings aside for a second and really think about this. Are Maine voters supposed to be impressed by Susan flying in one of her fellow career politicians who spent years getting rich while his state got the shaft? Does she want to talk about how he lived on his yacht? Or maybe they can talk about how his daughter tried to fuck over people who needed EpiPens.

Susan wants Maine to see Manchin and remember that she’s an independent. We’re guessing Mainers can see through that bullshit and see that Manchin is a reminder of everything that is wrong about Susan and her ilk. So, Maine, please join us in telling that corrupt fuck to go eat their own shit. And then tell Manchin the same thing. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Neil Bush is backing Talarico. We don’t know who Neil Bush is but he’s apparently related to that chickenshit ex-president who spends his time painting and being a wimp. More: HuffPost

Note three: Ummm one of our congressional candidates has been detained by the IDF. Y’all know we love us some Brad Lander, so this shit needs to be fixed asap. More: NBC News

Note four: Elena Kagan is usually reluctant to criticize the right-wing shitheads on the Supreme Court. It’s one of the few things we don’t like about her. But she seems to be changing her tune, and we’re here for it. More: NBC News

Note five: LOLOLOL!!! Congrats, everyone. It looks like we won a Senate seat in North Carolina. But please still vote…

Note six: How are we feeling about the election? Well, Democrats are putting money into a U.S. Senate race in Mississippi, so we’re feeling pretty alright. More: HuffPost

Note seven: If there’s one really obvious area of corruption to investigate, it’s Trump’s selling of pardons. Because it’s obvious and corrupt as all hell. More: New York Times

Note eight: Is your state going through some shit? Well, according to Trump’s FEMA, you’re on your own. Your tax dollars are only for ballrooms and helipads. More: Politico

Note nine: It should be a much, much bigger deal that Trump and Hegseth have lied to the American people about how much damage the Iranians have done to our bases and troops. More: MS Now

Note 10: But it should also be a much, much, much bigger scandal that Trump and Hegseth killed a bunch of little girls and are hiding that fact until after the midterms.

Note 11: Trump is campaigning for Darline Graham in South Carolina today. We sure do love how much time he’s having to spend in red states with his shitty candidates. More: AP

Note 12: The DOJ Inspector General says there’s nothing to see here about the department’s war against Davey Hearn. We are so ready for him to sue the ever-loving shit out of these assholes. More: AP

Note 13: Like seriously what the fuck is going on here?

Note 14: RFK Jr.’s niece died. We don’t think he killed her, but we’re keeping an open mind. More: AP

Note 15: Trump got asked if he would endorse couch boy and couch boy was standing right there when Trump said no. LOLOL. What a loser. More: HuffPost

Note 16: The kiss-asses at the Atlantic want you to know that Don Jr. is opposed to the Iran War. We want you to know that both Junior and the Atlantic can go fuck themselves. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 17: Susan Collins is struggling. And lying. You love to see it…

Note 18: The amazing Jamie West went on Piers Morgan’s podcast for some reason and she killed it. We’re getting 2028 vibes from her. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we couldn’t find dick, so here’s a live look at how things are going here at TheAltMedia headquarters…

Note 20: And on that relatable note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Unless you are Susan Collins or Joe Manchin. Because they suck butt. Love y’all!

Pathetic

Trump got a hostage freed from Russia, so of course he and his goons are fawning all over Putin in a sickening display. Watch this video and then remember that Putin literally killed a child in a stroller this week. And then vote like the whole fucking planet depends on it. Because it does.

More: bsky.app

It Was Elon

If you’re a 2028 candidate and you want our support, then please share with us your plan to federalize Elon the Anus’s companies and deport his scummy ass back to South Africa. Because he’s a fucking traitor. According to the Wall Street Journal, it was Elon who sabotaged Ukraine’s access to Starlink last weekend. If you’re wondering why some rich asshole is deciding global policy and deciding who lives and who dies, well, so are we. Everything Elon does is a reminder that no one should have that much money or that much power. And we’re gonna need a plan — and a warrior — to take that fucking weirdo on.

More: Wall Street Journal, CNBC

Fuck Vivek

So yesterday we managed to share with you the breaking news that Vivek Ramaswamy as running an ad featuring Amy Acton’s mother telling people not to vote for her. We also shared that Acton’s mother stood by the man who raped her then-12-year-old daughter, eventually abandoning her children to flee with their abuser. It is easily the most disgusting political ad we have ever seen. Sadly, we were not surprised to see Trumpers like Laura Loomer cheering it on. Despite knowing the truth about what happened, Vivek’s campaign is taking credit for the ad and planning to put $4 million behind it. Surely the people of Ohio will be disgusted by this and punish Vivek. Right?

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

French President Emmanuel Macron on Wednesday blamed “foreign leaders,” including those “on the other side of the Atlantic,” for trying to exploit France’s tense social climate for their own political agenda. More: NBC News

TOLEDO, Ohio — Some Ohio residents have been ordered to evacuate because of the release of a chemical that can cause burning of the eyes, nose, mouth and skin, and other residents have been told to shelter in place, the city fire department said Wednesday. More: NBC News

Like so many Americans, Jenny Escolastico has watched wearily as the cost of living has risen, straining her household budget. But as a mother of two children under 5, she faces added pressure that could shape how she votes in November: childcare costs. More: AP

WASHINGTON — Beth Fuller was a contractor for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for 10 years — until last year, when the Trump administration’s so-called Department of Government Efficiency, led by trillionaire Elon Musk, abruptly terminated her contract as it haphazardly fired tens of thousands of other federal workers. More: HuffPost

A wave of texts and a letter highlighting trans resources sent out to Texas families last week have ignited a storm of mystery, confusion and conservative pushback in the state. More: HuffPost

The Anti-Defamation League was heavily criticized on social media Tuesday for its post condemning the use of “a longstanding antisemitic stereotype” that reinforces “harmful tropes about Jews,” but not mentioning who said it. More: HuffPost

‘I F**king Hate You!’

Adam Parkhomenko — Tue, 20 Oct 2026 14:19:14 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it would never, ever, ever call someone a “shylock” like the president did.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we are two weeks away. And we don’t know about y’all, but our asses are clinched so tight that we could turn coal to diamonds. What a weird expression. Who would stick coal up their ass? Don’t answer that. Anyway, we are stressed the fuck out because we’re only waiting to see if America is deader than disco or ready for a major comeback. But there is one thing we want to remind you of today that might make you feel better — you are up against one of the dumbest sonsofbitches to ever waddle around this dying planet…

Awwww did you hear that? Big boy correctly identified a giraffe! Someone get his stupid ass a cookie. And then take away the car keys and the nuclear codes. We’re sharing this clip today because we want you to remember that you are not up against an inevitable, invincible, all-powerful god. You’re up against the same fucking idiot who stared at an eclipse and got his ass whooped by the Reflecting Pool. He might be scary, but he’s also really, really, really dumb. And that’s dumb with a B.

So while we bust our butts these next two weeks to try and restore a little sanity and decency to this crumbling nation, please don’t forget that you are much, much smarter than the guy you’re up against. May this knowledge give you comfort as you continue your fight. And may an army of giraffes raise up and eat all of our shit-for-brains enemies. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Great news for all the women out there. Trump has put RFK Jr in charge of your health. So get ready to work out in jeans, eat lots of sauerkraut and then die. More: HuffPost

Note three: Trump did use an antisemitic slur last night in Kansas. We’re sure he’ll be roundly condemned by all the same people who are coming after our Muslim candidates. Right? More: CNN

Note four: One of our favorite Halloween traditions is a new Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horrors. And it was pretty cool this year to see a longtime character make his return. More: NBC News

Note five: Hey so why the effing fuck isn’t this a bigger story? Does his name have to be Hasan for the mainstream media to give a shit?

Note six: Trump scum are literally threatening Sen. Elissa Slotkin’s life over her call to prosecute corruption, and the MSM still found a way to both-sides it. More: CNN

Note seven: Sam dropped off his ballot yesterday. Have you?

Note eight: Vivek Ramaswamy is running ads featuring Amy Acton’s mom. According to Amy’s brother, Amy’s mom had a boyfriend who raped Amy when she was 12 and the children were removed from her custody. So of course Vivek is using this monster in an ad. What a sick fuck. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: Trump wants to give farmers a few more billions of our money. We’re so sick of bailing out these fucking welfare queens. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Trump did this…

Note 11: Trump and Elon tried to break up Canada. They failed. Bigly. More: NBC News

Note 12: We don’t usually say nice things about Florida, but congrats to the Tampa Bay Rays on making the World Series. We will be rooting for the Brewers. More: NBC News

Note 13: Trump is getting heckled A LOT these days. And we love it. THANK YOU to the Sexy Patriot who infiltrated the rally in Kansas last night and screamed “I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!” Man, we sure do feel that.

Note 14: A Black MAGA influencer went to show her love to Ken Paxton. And they kicked her out. Maybe it’s time to rethink her party allegiance. More: Yahoo News

Note 15: Trump said last night that he feels “very sad” because Americans don’t appreciate him. Imagine how he’d feel if he knew how much we hate his goddamn guts. More: Yahoo

Note 16: Couchfuck is withholding his endorsement of Bibi. Interesting. This would be a smart political maneuver if he wasn’t also traveling the country with a serial sexual harasser (Mark Halperin) and making excuses for Trump’s open corruption. More: NBC News

Note 17: Speaking of sofa boy, he got roughed up by an especially wily protester yesterday. Welcome to the rest of your life, JD…

Note 18: Trump wants to rename New Mexico. So let’s make him a deal. He can rename New Mexico if we can rename him. We’re thinking Putin’s Bitch McCankles. Got a nice ring to it, don’t it? More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Texas. But we’re also going to a new generation of Democratic candidates who aren’t afraid to go right at the corrupt fucks who are ruining everything. James, we see you and we love it…

Note 20: And on that Hell Yeah note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. We also hope you can correctly identify a giraffe and a fucking idiot who shouldn’t be president. Love y’all!

Elon’s Time in the Barrell

There are roughly 10 billion reasons for Americans to vote for Democrats this year, but one of the most important has got to be our party’s plans to hold Elon Musk accountable. According to Politico this morning, Democrats are ready to make Elon’s life hell once they have some gavels in their hands. They are eager to ask questions about his throttling of Starlink in Ukraine, his conflicts of interest and his destruction of USAID. This is what we’re talking about, baby! We’re ready to get out the popcorn and watch the worm squirm.

More: Politico

Putin’s Punk

Trump is now all in on his love affair with Putin. He literally said yesterday that “Russia has been fine” in its dealings with Ukraine. He then attacked Zelensky some more. And WaPo is reporting today that the U.S. has held up shipments of interceptors to the country fighting on the side of freedom, leaving Ukraine as sitting ducks for Russia’s cruel attacks. We keep saying it because it needs to be said — the United States of America is betraying the cause of freedom so our corrupt president can cozy up to his dictator benefactor.

More: HuffPost

Goodbye, Christiane (and CNN)

After rich right-wing assholes bought CNN, we all knew it was only a matter of time until the real journalists made their exits. Alas, the network’s best journalist and a voice of reason and morality announced yesterday that she will be leaving. Veteran international journalist Christiane Amanpour announced yesterday that she will be leaving the network in June after 43 years there. As far as journalists go, Amanpour is about as good as it gets. We hope the people who stay behind will remember her charge to “always be truthful; not neutral.”

More: Variety

Today’s clips

PARIS (AP) — Paris returned to calm on Tuesday after its first quiet night since a weekend marred by France’s most destructive rioting in years, as authorities imposed curfews in several cities in an effort to prevent another round of rioting and looting. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Richard Riehle, a prolific character actor in TV and film who often played authority figures but was equally skilled at comedy, notably playing a sad-sack product manager in “Office Space,” has died. He was 78. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is hoping that $5,000 checks can juice Republican turnout in November’s midterm elections — but even some of his devoted fans are doubting that government payouts would arrive. More: AP

The 81st season of NBA play starts Tuesday with a tripleheader, highlighted by James and the 76ers heading to New York to face Jalen Brunson and the champion Knicks. They’ll get their championship rings before the game, see a banner swaying from the ceiling of Madison Square Garden and then get down to the task of doing something that nobody in the NBA has done for nearly a decade — repeat as title winners. More: AP

Oil prices surged in early trading Tuesday, as energy markets adjusted to a new normal in the Middle East. The increase in crude prices threatened to drive up the cost of gas in the United States just two weeks ahead of the midterm elections. More: NBC News

Donald Trump unleashed on Fox News for their coverage of Democrats in a scathing Truth Social post.

“Fox spends more time defending Dumocrats, and putting on their views versus their Republican opponent, than at any time in the History of FoxNews,” the president said in a post shared early Monday morning. More: HuffPost

What the Sexy Patriots Are Saying

Axis of A-holes

Adam Parkhomenko — Mon, 19 Oct 2026 14:52:33 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Matthew McConaughey to eat Joe Manchin’s shit.

Note: It’s getting close, Sexy Patriots. Election Day is almost here. It’s an intense time, and we’re all focused on what we can do to win. That said, we do think it’s important to spend a few minutes today asking what the effing fuck is going on with Trump’s newfound love of dudes’ butts…

Okayyyyyy. Weird. This ain’t even the first time he’s done this. It’s actually part of his stump speech now. Yeah, there’s an ass section of the president’s midterm speech. Hard to believe they’re doing so poorly in the polls. So what the hell is going on here? Well our theory is that Trump is an ass man. And we don’t mean that he’s into asses over say legs or breasts or prominent foreheads. We mean he is a human being who is made up entirely of ass. His body looks like ass, his face looks like an ass and he’s got ass for brains. And y’all have seen that massive caboose he’s dragging around. He is a sentient butt with arms and legs. He’s all ass!

Still don’t believe us? Well listen to the man talk. If that orange mouth ain’t an open butthole then we don’t know what is. So what do we do with this weird and unsettling knowledge? Easy. We do what we do best, and we kick some ass. Let’s fucking go! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna talk about what a shitshow CBS is today in the news section, but we want to make sure you saw the piece we did yesterday about how Big Media and Big Tech are out to get us all. The fuckers.

Note three: THANK YOU to everyone who turned out for a No Kings rally this weekend. We’re so glad the president of the United States didn’t post a video of himself dropping shit all over you this time. More: MS Now

A view of the No Kings protest at the Colorado Capitol in Denver on Saturday. (Photo by Andrew Fraieli/Colorado Newsline)

Note four: President Barack Obama spoke out in defense of Ilhan Omar and American values this weekend. We’re damn grateful. Maybe this will inspire Democratic leadership to do more for one of their own members. More: NBC News

Note five: Just more than two weeks before an election and actor and dumbfuck Matthew McConaughey is telling people to vote independent. He might as well have endorsed Ken Paxton. And mentioning Joe Manchin? Dude, get the fuck outta here… More: Threads

Note six: Pete Hegseth lost another airman. This time it was at a college football game. Maybe it’s time to stop these grotesque displays of forced patriotism at sporting events. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Donald Trump is really, really, really unpopular. Probably because he’s a fucking asshole. More: NBC News

Note eight: Anybody wonder what Katie Zacharia is up to today? Yeah, we don’t give a shit either.

Note nine: Trump endorsed Bibi for reelection. He also threatened to cut off Israel if they don’t vote how he says. So yeah, these democracies are doing great. More: NBC News

Note 10: JD Vance had a rough interview this weekend. And they didn’t even mention the couch stuff.

Note 11: The mainstream media are trying to make a thing out of Troy Jackson saying “oh shut up” to Susan Collins. If he’d called her piggy, they wouldn’t care at all. Right? More: AP

Note 12: Georgia Bulldogs legend Todd Gurley traveled with Trump last week. So Georgia lost this weekend. That’s what you get, Todd. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 13: We’d like to take this opportunity to invite James Carville to eat shit, fuck off and kiss our hot asses. What a prick.

Note 14: You know it’s bad for Trump’s Republicans when even ass-kissing news anchors are tired of them blaming Biden for everything. More: HuffPost

Note 15: HuffPo has a handy guide to help us all avoid dressing like MAGA. We just figured as long as we didn’t bend over and shove our own heads up our asses then we were probably fine. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Trump is campaigning in Kansas today. Let that sink in. Fifteen days out from an election, and the Republican president is worried about Kansas. Things sure have changed here on the farm we were forced to sell off. More: AP

Note 17: Want to get hyped up? Then check out the Friday Night Lights crew cutting an ad for Talarico. Full hearts, clear eyes, can’t lose.

Note 18: While Trump is campaigning in Kansas and Iowa this week, the House Democratic leader is in Ohio. Sounds like we’re on offense, don’t it? More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, get ready for some goosebumps. Because this is the inspiration we all need to see…

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. We also hope you’re not so full of shit that you’re turning into a giant butt. Love y’all!

Axis of Assholes

Trump made it official this weekend that he is selling out and betraying Ukraine and the cause of freedom for his buddy Putin. Between the Starlink bullshit and accusations that the U.S. hasn’t actually sent any money to Ukraine for the past year, Trump has decided to try and cut out Ukraine completely. Putin is suggesting a meeting with only Russia, the U.S. and China to decide Ukraine’s fate. We’re calling it the Axis of Assholes. If Ukraine is to have any hope at all for survival, then it is imperative we win these midterms. So it’s not just our own country that we’re trying to save.

More: CNN, AP, Politico

CBSucks

By now you know how we feel about what CBS Chief Legal Correspondent Jan Crawford did this weekend. But it gets so much worse. According to Semafor, CBS News head Bari Weiss has been interfering with the network’s journalists to try and get them to chase right-wing bullshit about El-Sayed and 9/11 or Talarico having the flu. Maybe this is why their ratings are in the fucking toilet. Piss off the media and vote blue.

More: Semafor

Fore!

The Middle East is in flames, America’s enemies are ascendant, Americans can’t afford gas or food and the president of the United States is focused on a golf course. But it’s not just any golf course. This course belongs to the people of D.C., and Trump is stealing it from them. East Potomac Park is a great place where you will find people of all backgrounds enjoying the scenery or one of three golf courses. It’s not fancy, but it’s not expensive. And so of course Trump is wrecking it all so he can build a course for rich assholes. And to make things even worse, he’s attacking a federal judge who is trying to decide if this is even legal. As disgusted as we are by all this, we can’t help but laugh that this is what this deranged fuck is focused on two weeks out from an election. What a fucking idiot.

More: AP

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — A National Guard member was shot and injured while trying to break up a fight in the nation’s capital, and the person suspected of firing the gun also was shot in an exchange with guard members, police said Monday. More: AP

Miller’s has been a safe GOP-leaning district, but it is one Democrats now feel optimistic they can flip. Their candidate is Brian Poindexter, a 46-year-old union ironworker who has attracted a strong following among the many service and manufacturing workers in Ohio’s 7th Congressional District. More: AP

President Donald Trump’s efforts to interfere with the 2026 elections have almost universally failed. Courts have halted his most egregious actions, Congress has rejected his anti-voting legislation and civil groups have stepped up to support election officials.

The list of Trump’s failures is long. More: HuffPost

PARIS, Oct 19 (Reuters) - The mayors of France’s biggest cities on Monday demanded answers from the government to what they called a lack of preparation by security forces as the country licked its wounds from a weekend of rioting and looting. More: HuffPost

CAIRO/GAZA, Oct 19 (Reuters) - The U.N. World Food Programme has said funding shortages are forcing major cuts to its aid programme in Gaza, leaving about 500,000 people without monthly food support in a territory where two-thirds of the population struggle to get enough to eat. More: HuffPost

JERUSALEM (AP) — The photographer with The Washington Post who was attacked by Jewish settlers in the occupied West Bank so badly that several vertebrae were broken said Sunday she was increasingly angry that Israel’s military seems to protect settlers more than the Palestinians they threaten. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON, Oct 17 (Reuters) - President Donald Trump is blaming senior aides and political operatives for a faltering midterm strategy, questioning campaign spending, faulting redistricting and second-guessing candidate choices as Republicans fight to retain control of Congress, said three people familiar with internal discussions. More: HuffPost

Thanking JD

Adam Parkhomenko — Fri, 16 Oct 2026 14:58:09 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it is totally a licensed attorney. In its own mind.

Note: It would have been so easy, Sexy Patriots. Katie Zacharia is a human dumpster fire, and the flames and garbage smoke just keep rising higher and higher. But making fun of her is just way too easy, so we’ll save it for later in the newsletter. And besides, we have a few things we’d like to say to the weirdo with his weiner in the couch — Thank you, JD. And fuck you, JD…

LOL. Weasel? Really, dude? Is that how it looks from inside Trump’s colon? Couchfuck really seems to think it’s his job to travel around the country telling people with brown skin that they should shut up and say thank you. Well, we don’t have brown skin, but we figured we’d go ahead and say thank you to JD. Thank you, JD. Thank you for showing everyone what a malicious little pud you are. Thank you for showing everyone what a heinous prick you are with your lame gay jokes and your gross bigotry. Thank you for fucking the furniture because it makes us laugh and helps us get our steps in because we’re too afraid to sit on anything. And thank you for showing Americans just what a mean and shitty movement MAGA is and always will be. In other words, thanks for being a total fucking asshole.

The good news is that Abdul El-Sayed isn’t the kind of Democrat who needs us to tell JD to eat shit for him. He’s pretty good at doing it himself…

Yesssss. Get his ass, AES. Do the right thing, Michigan. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy today? Great! We’ll see you at 2:30 p.m. ET/11:30 a.m. PT.

Note three: Remember Andy Harris’s cryin’ ass? Well he’s still being a total piece of shit. More: The Banner

Note four: Trump keeps saying that your kids will be mutilated at school. He’s right, but not in the way he thinks. We’re sending love to Oregon. More: AP

Note five: Katie Zacharia is really, really struggling. And even Sean Hannity was so disgusted by her last night that she had to go on Fox and Friends this morning to try and clean it up. Maybe there should be more qualifications for the job than just looking like the daughter Trump wants to fuck.

Note six: Oh and Katie ain’t no lawyer. She just plays one on tv. More: CNN

Note seven: You know how Trump and Hegseth killed all those little girls in Iran? Well they’re also gonna keep the investigation results under wraps until after the midterms. What good Christians they are. More: Bloomberg

Note eight: Sam roots for the Dodgers, but we have to congratulate the Milwaukee Brewers on making it to the World Series. And honestly, it’s probably good for baseball. More: Yahoo Sports

Note nine: The lunatic who married Stephen Miller wants you to know she and her family are eating really well while you can’t afford ground beef. Maybe she should try eating shit. More: HuffPost

Note 10: There is new reporting that Trump went after Ilhan Omar in 2019 and found bupkis. If she’s reading this, we want her to know we have her back. Especially when she’s throwing heat like this…

Note 11: We’re gonna talk about Elon the Anus in the news section, but we wanted to be sure y’all saw that he just had to settle lawsuits from when he bought the last election. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Desperate Dan Sullivan tried to attack Mary Peltola last night. It didn’t go great for him. More: NBC News

Note 13: Oh and Troy Jackson told Susan Collins to shut up. LOL.

Note 14: Trump is invoking executive privilege in the battle over Kennedy Center records. We sure do wonder what corruption he’s hiding. Because the shit he’s doing in plain sight is pretty bad. More: NBC News

Note 15: This is a personal note for us. RIP to basketball legend Cliff Hagan. Sam grew up playing hoops at the Cliff Hagan Boys Club in Owensboro, Ky. RIP, sir. More: Owensboro Times

Note 17: Sexy Patriots, we implore you to never ever ever ever ever get into one of Elon’s flying cars. Also, don’t drink the green shit you keep under the sink.

Note 18: You’re not gonna believe this but the scumbags who lied about James Talarico were lying pieces of shit. Ok fine so you will believe it. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, man, you just gotta watch Katie Zacharia struggling on Hannity. It’s like she’s a human metaphor for the whole goddamn Republican Party…

Note 20: And on that unqualified note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. Unless you are JD Vance. And in that case we hope you go fuck yourself after you fuck the sofa. Love y’all!

Putin’s Pet

After Ukraine was left without satellite coverage this week, the Trump White House and Elon Musk pointed the fingers at each other. But reports came out last night that the order to shut off the Starlink services came directly from the White House. This comes as Trump has launched a media tour to attack Zelensky while giving Putin a pass. It is easily the most egregious betrayal of the cause of liberty that we have ever seen from an American president, and we sure as shit hope there are consequences at some point.

More: Reuters, Kyiv Independent, The Hill

Buying Texas

Trump totally crashed out yesterday about the Texas Senate race, preemptively blaming John Cornyn and Karl Rove for Ken Paxton losing. So all those polls must be pretty accurate. The only thing working for Paxton right now is Elon Musk, who has given $158 million to super PACs to try and save the scumbag who put a pedophile back on the streets. Elon is basically the only donor to this PAC so it’s not an exaggeration to say that Elon is trying to buy a U.S. Senate seat. Let’s hope this goes like his foray into Wisconsin.

More: CNN, Politico

Our Almost AG

Hey here’s a question — if Obama or Biden had nominated a sex trafficking creep to be the Attorney General, do you think the press would have just moved on? Yeah, we don’t either. But that’s what they’ve done with Trump and Matt Gaetz. Two women filed a federal suit against Gaetz yesterday, alleging that he and two other assholes were involved in a sex-trafficking scheme that included drugs and interstate travel. And because he’s a total scumbag, Gaetz doxxed the women who are suing him for being a scumbag. Can you imagine what a national story this would be if it was a Democrat?

More: Miami Herald

Today’s clips

CALGARY, Alberta (AP) — Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney warned Thursday that the United States is trying to break Canada so it can “own us” as he urged oil-rich Alberta not to begin a process toward separation in Monday’s referendum. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — President Donald Trump says he wants voters to pretend that he’s on the ballot in this year’s midterm elections.

His rivals are doing their best to help his case. More: AP

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russian attacks on nine regions of Ukraine caused emergency power outages for hundreds of thousands of households and damaged numerous homes, wounding at least 15 people, officials said Friday, as civilian casualties from Russia’s invasion climb steeply. More: AP

ATLANTA (AP) — Donald Trump’s midterm campaign blitz arrives in Georgia on Friday for a rally with top Republican candidates in a state that has long been the epicenter of the president’s false claims about election fraud. More: AP

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Several brush fires were burning in Southern California on Friday, stoked by hot, windy weather that’s led to some evacuations and tens of thousands of people in the state waking up in the dark after their electricity was turned off. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump said Thursday that the Pentagon will no longer livestream the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan, after the announcement faced bipartisan criticism and Vice President JD Vance said he wouldn’t watch it. More: AP

The Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office sex crimes unit is weighing whether to bring charges in a case involving former Rep. Eric Swalwell, a spokesperson told NBC News on Thursday. More: NBC News

In the world of “South Park” ― where every episode of the NSFW cartoon is designed to shock, offend or provoke ― nothing and no one is off-limits. Not celebrities, not religious figures and certainly not politicians.

But few have been skewered as relentlessly as President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

Foxy Bottom

Adam Parkhomenko — Thu, 15 Oct 2026 14:21:01 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never lied about being a lawyer.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, how are we holding up? Yeah, us too. These next 19 days are gonna feel like 19 fucking years. But that’s ok. We’ll fight as long as we have to make these fascists eat shit. But we sure understand if everyone out there is tired. Or having a drink or two. Or doing both and then going to do a televised interview…

Yes ma’am. Man, we identify with all of that way too much. The exhaustion, the exasperation and the dignified defiance. We feel it all. And we even like the cheeky way she brought it home by reminding Republicans that they’re not the only ones who can be crazy and dangerous.

We’ve been trying to figure out what the vibe is for Dems and Indies heading into November. We could tell that it’s not exactly joy, and we figured it was mostly rage. But maybe Americans are just tired. Tired of the bullshit. Tired of the lies. Tired of Trump and his cult. We know we sure as hell are.

So thank you to our friend from Indiana for so eloquently putting into words how we’re all feeling. For the most part. But we don’t have time for fatigue. We’ve got a country to save. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We couldn’t find a non-paywalled version of this story, but y’all just have to know about Steve Pajcic. He’s a very rich lawyer from Florida. And he’s dropping a bundle in Senate races on behalf of Democrats. We don’t know where this sweet angel came from, but goddamn we’re sure glad to have him on our side. More: New York Times

Note three: The Kennedy Center scumbags are turning on each other, and it’s fucking hilarious. More: Axios

Note four: Whoa. About 80 percent of Americans oppose the plan to livestream the execution of a terrorist. Maybe our national soul hasn’t completely rotted away just yet. More: ABC News

Note five: Y’all, this dude out of Texas has got the juice. Last night he let CNN throw a bunch of Republicans at him and he crushed it. Oh and Ken Paxton was too much of a coward to show up at all.

Note six: Speaking of Sweet James, he just shattered fundraising records. Y’all did this. More: Politico

Note seven: You’re not gonna believe this but Katie Zacharia lied about being a lawyer. So yeah she’s perfect for Trump. More: Wall Street Journal

Note eight: It is objectively funny that less than three weeks out from the midterms, Trump has to go to Montanna to find people to kiss his ass. When is he going to Maine? LOL. More: AP

Note nine: DOJ is attempting a last-minute attack on California voters. DOJ can eat our ass. More: NBC News

Note 10: There are Democrats in the House who think Mike Lawler is their friend. Thank goodness Cait Conley is willing to take him on.

Note 11: Of course Trump had to make the Pope’s cancer all about him. What a fucking asshole. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Couchfucker is going around the country calling people gay like it’s some kind of insult and the best the New York Times could do is say he has a “penchant for personal broadsides.” Wimps.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 13: Bari Weiss is killing it at CBS. Sorry. That should say that Bari Weiss is killing CBS. We can’t wait to see what she does with CNN.

Note 14: Trump said yesterday that we’re doing great on inflation. So just ignore all the data and your grocery bills and listen to the orange crazy man. More: Yahoo

Note 15: “Thom Tillis is Still Kissing Donald Trump’s Ass.” Now that’s how you write a headline. More: HuffPost

Note 16: We have no idea what these early voting surges mean, but we’re hoping it’s good news. More: MS Now, Fox5Atlanta

Note 17: This is so goddamn funny. Republicans are avoid JD like they just bought new furniture…

Note 18: We know you know this, but please remember to look at the whole ballot and vote against the crooks and assholes. We want to win way more than just Congress. More: Bolts Mag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Pete Hegseth. Ok so more accurately we’re going to the brave Americans who showed up to call the war criminal a war criminal to his face. We hope this is how he spends the rest of his miserable fucking life…

Note 20: And on that enormously satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. But we also get it if you’re about to totally lose your shit. Hang in there! Love y’all!

Foxy Bottom

Fox News has some very, very bad news for Trump and his gross party. The respected polling unit at the right-wing news channel has Trump’s approval number at 36 percent. We know that is still way too high, but it is a record low for asshead in a Fox poll. Yes, even lower than after Jan. 6. Oh and they have Democrats surging on the national ballot. Let’s make this poll a reality.

More: Twitter

Tell It!

The United States has betrayed President Zelensky and Ukraine, and he is telling the world about it. Trump and his Putin-loving friends like Elon are now calling for Zelensky to go because he won’t surrender to Putin like they did. Zelensky did the media rounds yesterday to make clear that Ukraine will not stop fighting for its freedom even after being sold out by the United States. In fact, he went right back to hitting Russian targets last night. Give ‘em hell, Ukraine.

More: Yahoo News

Standing with Ilhan

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Trump and his DOJ are going after U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar with a plan to strip her of her citizenship and deport her. They just have to figure out what crimes she committed first. They took her passport and sent subpoenas to her family. Even for the Trump scum, this is insanely fucked up. The only good news is this opens the door to deporting the shit out of Elon and Melania. We stand with Ilhan, and we’re begging every other Democrat to do the same.

More: Wall Street Journal

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — A strong majority of voters believe that President Donald Trump is falling short at home and abroad, and they want major change in the upcoming midterm elections, according to a new AP-NORC poll that raises serious warning signs for the Republican Party at a critical moment. More: AP

TIRANA, Albania (AP) — Student-led demonstrators clashed Thursday with Albanian police in the capital Tirana for a third day running, joining a broader anti-government movement launched in opposition to a major development project linked to U.S. President Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Open enrollment for Medicare plans begins Thursday and enrollees will face a slew of changes that go into effect in 2027. More: AP

The Democratic National Committee said Thursday that it raised more than $10 million from grassroots donors in September, a late surge of money for the cash-strapped party with the midterm elections weeks away. More: AP

ITHACA, N.Y. — Cornell University President Michael Kotlikoff faced angry members of the school’s faculty Wednesday at a meeting that underscored deep frustration over his administration’s handling of a woman’s report that she was gang raped at a fraternity house in 2024. More: NBC News

Secretaries of state’s offices in Ohio, Louisiana and Oklahoma were sent packages this week with mysterious powders, just weeks before the offices are set to oversee the midterm elections. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Wednesday revived a long-ago crusade against Barack Obama― but it wasn’t about the former president’s place of birth.

This one questioned the legitimacy of Obama’s acceptance by Ivy League schools. More: HuffPost

Andy Ain’t So Dandy

Adam Parkhomenko — Wed, 14 Oct 2026 14:15:23 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But maybe not as much as Kim Guilfoyle. LOL.

Note: If there’s one thing we love besides your hot asses, Sexy Patriots, it’s watching Republicans flounder. And man are they ever fuckin’ floundering. After years of sniffing their own farts and believing their own bullshit, GOPers are shocked to find themselves in competitive races. They started to think of themselves as invincible and teflon as their orange daddy, so they became soft and unable to campaign. And now they are really having a hard time interacting with normal people…

LOLOL!!! Buddy, we haven’t even started getting rude yet. If we really wanted to get rude, we’d tell you to pull down your pants so you can hear some real laughter. If we really wanted to get rude, we’d tell you to pull your head out of Trump’s ass and go take a fucking shower. But this isn’t about being rude. This is about reminding these miserable shitheads who is actually in charge here. It’s us. We’re the bosses. And we are sick of shitty employees who think it’s the other way around.

So keep crying, Andy. We think you’ll find the rudeness and the laughter are just beginning. You’re damn lucky you didn’t leave that townhall with a wedgie. Trump can’t save you from the voters. Nobody can. See you on Election Night, fucker. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We have to move this week’s therapy session to Friday because of a scheduling conflict with Sam’s day job. Sorry about that. Y’all hang in there.

Note three: Wanna hear something really, really funny? Kim Guilfoyle tried to tell the White House that her text messages about doing crimes were actually AI. Imagine telling a lie that’s too stupid for this president. More: HuffPost

Note four: Have you voted yet? Do you have a plan? Are you bugging the living shit out of your friends and neighbors? Ok good.

Note five: If the elections were based on who has the best ads, our candidates would win in a walk. Especially since Republican ads are just calling everyone trans Muslim terrorists…

Note six: The FCC’s Brendan Carr was at Trump’s rally in Alaska last night, and we literally can’t find a single news story about it. Great work to our fearless media. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note seven: Another Ken Paxton tape leaked. This might be the funniest fucking thing that’s happening in these midterms. Every time he opens his butthole of a mouth, someone is pushing record. More: Rolling Stone

Note eight: You probably think you can’t hate Kirsten Sinema more than you already do. But you’d be wrong. We’d call her human garbage, but garbage was once something of value. More: Axios

Note nine: Politico is reporting that top Republicans are secretly conceding the House is gone. Fuck that and fuck them. We’ve heard this shit before. Ignore it all and do the work. More: Politico

Note 10: Here’s some footage of the new White House press secretary’s first briefing yesterday…

Note 11: A man was mauled by a tiger last week, and Trump thinks that’s cool. He has literally been posting fucking video of it. We’re sure that Jake Tapper book is coming out any second. More: The Guardian

Note 12: We get a lot of questions about how Trump can fuck with the midterms. And the answer we usually give is that we don’t really know. Here are nine possibilities that Reuters put together. More: HuffPost

Note 13: It pains us to say that Metallica can go fuck themselves. Fucking cowards. More: Billboard

Note 14: Jon Ossoff wrecked the living shit out of Mike Collins again last night. But what we keep coming back to is how firm he is when he says he won’t run for president in 2028. He wouldn’t be the first person to change their minds, but he does seem serious when he says it. More: NBC News

Note 15: So we really admire any and all acts of resistance, but man we really have to salute whoever went above and beyond here. It’s a little gross for our tastes, but respect…

Note 16: We are sending all the love in the world to Pope Bob, who has been diagnosed with lung cancer and had part of his lung removed. We never imagined we’d root for a Pope this hard. More: NBC News

Note 17: Kamala is hitting the campaign trail. It will be good to see her out there. More: AP

Note 18: It took a while but they finally got one of the dudes who killed Tupac. This gives us hope that maybe someday we will lock up the orange asshead who killed Renee Good and Alex Pretti. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to Maryland. Because we can’t get enough of Andy Harris crashing the fuck out. What an entitled loser. CRY MORE, ANDY!!!

Note 20: And on that whiny note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not completely losing your shit like Republican congressmen are. Love y’all!

Concerning

Susan Collins is having a hard time. She and Troy Jackson debated again last night, and man, she is really struggling. We wanted to take a second today to thank Troy for everything he is doing. This man was thrust into this race by the bad choices of others, and he has gone above and beyond everything we could have asked of him. He has pushed Collins on ICE, on abortion and on her corruption. For the first time in a long time, she is rattled and in danger of losing. Keep up the heat, Mainers. It’s time for her retirement party.

More: bsky.app

America’s Shame

Elon Musk has been fucking with Ukraine’s Starlink access again, incapacitating Ukraine’s drones and defenses. This comes as Trump has refused to share intel with the brave country. The U.S. is now claiming “bad weather” is why they have cut off Ukraine, but we all know that’s a fucking lie. The truth is Donald Trump is in the middle of one of America’s most despicable betrayals in history. He is selling out the free people of Ukraine for his corrupt dictator buddy. It’s hard to describe how angry and ashamed this makes us. The next Democratic president has to be ready to take over everything Elon has built. The world’s richest asshole doesn’t get to decide who is free and who isn’t. Slava Ukraine.

More: NBC News, Telegraph

About that Inflation

Remember when America was so worried about inflation that we pissed away our democracy and decency to reelect the piece of shit who attacked our Capitol? Well it didn’t work. The new CPI out this morning shows inflation 3.7 percent after rising in September. You’ll never guess that energy costs from Trump’s stupid fucking war are driving a lot of hit. Literally the one fucking thing this dude was supposed to do was lower prices, and now he goes around the country saying affordability is a hoax. How about we try this again, America?

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

LONDON — Russell Brand behaved as a “ruthless” sexual predator when he assaulted six women over the course of a decade, a prosecutor said Wednesday as she opened the rape and sexual assault case against the actor-comedian. More: NBC News

BEIJING — China’s trade surplus widened more than expected in September as exports surged, keeping the country on track to surpass last year’s record surplus and likely intensifying trade tensions with major partners. More: NBC News

A federal judge issued an order late Tuesday blocking the Trump administration from banning CNN, Politico and MS NOW from the White House complex while the organizations’ lawsuit over access proceeds. More: NBC News

At least two men attending President Donald Trump’s rally in Ohio attacked a female protester in a “senseless” confrontation decried by the mayor of Youngstown on Tuesday. More: NBC News

Critics cringed hard over an AI-generated video released Tuesday by the campaign of GOP Sen. Marsha Blackburn, who is running for governor of Tennessee. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump on Tuesday tried his best to distance himself from the now-former U.S. ambassador to Greece, Kimberly Guilfoyle. But his past comments about her, as recent as earlier this year, painted a very different picture. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam

What an A$$

Adam Parkhomenko — Tue, 13 Oct 2026 13:54:23 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never partied with Ken Paxton in Dubai.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to the three-week mark. We’ve got exactly 21 days to stop a madman from fucking up things worse than he has already fucked things up. It’s a tall order, but we’re up for it. You know who’s not up for it? Trump’s weird cult. Yeah, it might be wishful thinking on our part, but it sure seems like Trump has lost some of that ol’ Hitler magic…

Dang. That sure is a lot of empty seats that are usually filled with empty heads. But should we get excited about this? Remember that Trump was limping to the finish line in 2024 and still somehow won (Elon). So we have to wonder if we’re reading too much into these empty seats. That’s why we asked one of them. Here now is an interview with an Empty Seat at a Trump Rally…

Us: Hey there, Empty Seat at a Trump Rally!
Empty Seat at a Trump Rally: Hey guys! Name’s Reggie. Love the newsletter.
Us: That’s so sweet, Reggie. So how has it been without a Trumper sitting on you?
Reggie the Seat: It’s like our prayers have finally been answered. We can finally breathe. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be sat on by one of those freaks?! They don’t wipe!!!
Us: Yikes. That’s a lot of information, Reggie. Do you think the fact that you’re empty means those people won’t vote?
Reggie: Who the fuck knows what those idiots are thinking. I just told you they don’t wipe.
Us: Fair point, Reg.

Well there you have it. There’s just no way to know if these empty seats are a harbinger of what’s to come in three weeks. So ignore that shit and just keep kicking ass the way you have been. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ken Paxton sure is a fucking sleaze. The Wall Street Journal has a new report about how he was partying in Dubai with two criminals. But the other guy had the flu so it’s a tough choice. More: Yahoo News

Note three: Speaking of Talarico’s flu, the online right-wingers got busted lying like some goddamn rugs and they are not taking it well. We hope they eat shit. More: HuffPost, New York Times

Note four: Trump is campaigning in Alaska today. We think that’s good news for Mary Peltola. More: AP

Note five: Trump also spent last night endorsing alleged woman beater Max Miller and praising the physique of Sen. John Husted. You can see for yourself that it’s pretty weird…

Note six: Not only is Trump lying about a ceasefire between Russia and Ukraine, he is now leaving Ukraine to the mercy of Putin. This is a shameful, shameful chapter in the story of America. But we’re way too fucking mad to be embarrassed. More: NBC News

Note seven: Trump is lining his pockets while Americans suffer. And we all fucking know it. More: AP

Note eight: That lunatic Trump hired to be the White House press secretary is holding her first briefing today. We hope she gets asked about Pizzagate, but we think someone should probably ask her if she lied about being a lawyer. (Great catch, Judd!) More: Popular

Note nine: Never forget that we are up against the dumbest sonsofbitches on the planet. How do we know? Well they just ran a few days worth of ads about Maine in Portland, Oregon. Oops. Wrong Portland, assholes! More: NBC News

Note 10: Trump is desperate to save Roger Marshall. He even did a long screed yesterday defending Marshall’s efforts to jail women whose babies he delivered. Unfortunately it was too late and Roger already started dressing like a really lame version of the Joker…

Note 11: Federal Judge Ana Reyes was furious that Trump went ahead and cut down a bunch of trees at East Potomac Park. She said that she trusted the government. So we have to ask — was it her first day? More: AP

Note 12: Trump says he might fire Kim Guilfoyle. It’s gonna cost a fortune to keep her quiet. LOL. More: NBC News

Note 13: Zelensky isn’t just fighting for Ukraine’s freedom. He’s also giving ours a boost by taking out Russian bots aka the Republican base.

Note 14: Hey baseball fans, do we think this is it for the Dodgers? More: ESPN

Note 15: We have been damn disappointed to hear about Danny Trejo starring in Ben Shapiro’s gross movie about the murder of Renee Good. But Trejo and his son are insisting that the actor had no idea what he signed up for. We want to believe him, but we’re not fucking idiots. More: Deadline

Note 16: While we’re talking Hollywood, Nic Cage says he probably won’t work with Amazon again because they love AI so much. We haven’t loved Cage this much since he freed Alcatraz and got back the Declaration of Independence. More: HuffPost

Note 17: You know how we’ve said all along that Bill Maher is a shit-eating Republican who would love to suck the farts out of Trump’s ass? Well we were right…

Note 18: The era of love for the Knicks is coming to an end. Not only is the rich asshole owner fucking with KAT’s contract, but he’s using the team and MSG to raise money for a Republican shithead. Fuck James Dolan forever. More: NY Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the amazing Kacey Musgraves, who absolutely wrecked Kristi Noem…

Note 20: And on that devastating note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And if not, just remember that it could be worse and you could have some Trumper’s ass sitting on you. Or not. Love y’all!

Standing with Omar

Trump claimed yesterday he was unaware that federal agents were going to raid Rep. Ilhan Omar’s house, but that didn’t stop him from spending the day and night trashing Somalia and Somali Americans in the most bigoted terms possible. We were at least somewhat heartened by the statements from Democratic leaders, although some of them were pretty weak shit (we wish Klobuchar had actually said something worth a damn). But Omar herself said that she was “ok” after the raid and that she won’t be “silenced” by Trump’s goons. We wish more people in our party had her courage.

More: CNN

Woman Beaters

Trump loves men who beat up women. Loves them. That’s probably why he looked so happy and satisfied last night as his supporters beat up a woman who was protesting at his Ohio rally while wearing a t-shirt calling for the Epstein files to be released. It was a sickening display of violence and of course the perpetrators got a pass from the cops. Remember when this kind of shit just didn’t happen in America? We do. It was before Trump.

More: HuffPost

Stand Strong

Airman Jason Watson put it all on the line when he showed up to Capitol Hill in uniform and called for the commander-in-chief to be impeached. And Hegseth and Trump are making sure he feels their anger. While awaiting trial, Watson is being held in solitary confinement 24 hours a day, according to his lawyer. If that seems extreme, well, it is. They are really throwing the book at this guy, and it breaks our hearts. He showed real courage, and we hope he knows there are lots of us standing by him.

More: Military.com

Today’s clips

President Donald Trump has shared another fake quote on social media, this time a fabricated comment in which “Denzel Washington” supposedly heaps praise upon him. More: CNN

A deal between Moscow and Washington over exports of Russian diesel and fresh U.S. criticism of Ukraine’s leader mark important political victories for the Kremlin, reversing some of the sanctions for its full-scale invasion of its neighbor.

While the size of Russia’s diesel exports is relatively small and unlikely to significantly impact prices, the revenue will help Moscow replenish its war coffers and — more importantly — undermine efforts by Kyiv and its European allies to put up a united front against President Vladimir Putin. More: AP

ROME (AP) — Pope Leo XIV was admitted to Rome’s Gemelli hospital on Tuesday ahead of surgery later in the day to remove a lung nodule, an operation that experts say will determine whether the lesion is malignant and if other treatment is needed. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Actor Selma Blair was arrested after she was accused of injuring two flight attendants on a trip from Los Angeles to New York. She was also accused of kicking a police officer taking her to the hospital and kicking a nurse once she got there. More: AP

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Actor and disability rights advocate RJ Mitte, who brought a lifetime of experience with cerebral palsy to fictional family struggles in an essential role on “Breaking Bad,” died Monday at age 34, authorities and his representatives said. More: AP

The Trump administration continued to air taxpayer-funded propaganda ads on television Monday morning despite a federal judge’s temporary order the night before blocking the government from running the campaign-style videos, according to advertising data from AdImpact. More: HuffPost

Share The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The latest from Adam

Talasuperfreako

Adam Parkhomenko — Mon, 12 Oct 2026 15:11:01 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can say what James Talarico is too nice to say.

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Note: Sexy Patriots! How are you? How was your weekend? Did you spend it on some nazi’s social media website trying to cook up an idiotic conspiracy theory about a Democratic Senate candidate? We didn’t either. But only because we’re not creeps or losers. But the right-wing scary kids did. And they fully convinced themselves they had proof that our James Talarico had checked himself into an Ohio mental health facility. They forgot one very important detail though…

They’re fucking idiots.

LOLOL!!! Those scumbags really thought they had him. They’re so goddamn desperate they went deep into the vault and pulled out the Eagleton smear. But even if it was true, wouldn’t it be better to have a real man in the Senate who’s not afraid of treating his mental health than a corrupt scumbag who puts child predators on the streets? Regardless, we here at AltMedia are excited to share that we can exclusiv…

Master Debaters

Adam Parkhomenko — Fri, 09 Oct 2026 14:49:45 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it hopes to never piss off Jon Ossoff.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How are you today? Well you smell terrific. We’re doing pretty good too. We also smell terrific. And we’re just now picking our jaws up off the floor after watching our Senate candidates reach deep into the chests of their Republican opponents and removing their cold beating hearts. Yeah, it turns out that the Democratic Party isn’t fucking around…

Holy fucking shit! That man has a family! But it’s a family of neo-nazis so it’s ok that Jon Ossoff just gave his soul an atomic wedgie. Last night, we saw Jon, Abdul and Troy pull no punches as they went right after their opponents. Hell, Mike Collins looked like he was about to cry. He also looked like he was gonna go burn a cross but that just might be the way he looks all the time. We hope he woke up today remembering what a piece of shit loser he is.

If you’ve been watching Democratic politicians as long as we have, then you know this is a new day. They’re not afraid anymore. They’re not pulling punches anymore. They’re not letting Beltway consultants water them down or convince them to try and run out the clock. No, they are coming for blood, baring fangs and looking to fuck up some Trump-loving assholes. This is the fight and these are the fighters we’ve been waiting for. So let’s get their backs and win some fucking elections! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How desperate is Mike Rogers? He went after Abdul’s mom. He’s lucky Adbul is a peaceful man. More: HuffPost

Note three: You can tell Trump is worried about Abdul because he is turning up the racist dial all the way up. We love seeing racist shitheads scared. More: HuffPost

Note four: Need more incentive to take back the House? Well Mike Little Johnson says he might leave Congress and go mow lawns if Republicans lose. Someone tell Mike that you can’t take off months at a time from a lawn business. And then tell him to fuck off. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but we thought y’all should see Mayor Mamdani from last night…

Note six: If you have any secret flu remedies, please get them to James Talarico. More: NBC News

Note seven: LOL. Another Ken Paxton tape just dropped. He accuses Cornyn of wanting him to lose. Yeah, no shit, dude. Everyone knows that. More: CNN

Note eight: Democrats are going after Chuck Grassley for that embarrassing Schmitt attack on Jack Smith. This is what we like to see. More: Politico

Note nine: Some candidates in Ohio “stumbled” across a dead body. And that might be the weirdest story we see today. More: Cleveland.com

Note 10: Nobody thinks less of Trump supporters than Trump. Except maybe us.

Note 11: Here’s a story about how Americans are going hungry during Trump’s golden age. More: NBC News

Note 12: Trump is trying to get Somalis in Minnesota killed. We wish the mainstream media cared about this kind of thing, but in their defense none of the Somalis are wearing tan suits. More: The Hill

Note 13: Yesterday we shared that Trump was considering ramping up the war against Iran before the Midterms. But then he went and announced to the world that he’ll wait until after the midterms. So there’s a good chance he’ll attack today. More: AP

Note 14: It’s hard to describe just how much Trump has weaponized the federal government to try and win the midterms. But we sure hope someone is keeping a list. More: AP

Note 15: We love David Byrne almost as much as we hate Elon… More: Twitter

Note 16: What this country did to Curtis Flowers is pure fucking evil. RIP. More: The Guardian

Note 17: Chris Murphy went to the Middle East to try and find out just how bad the damage is and just how much we’ve been lied to. So of course Hegseth wouldn’t let him see U.S. bases. Anyone else want to see Murphy with subpoena power? More: The Guardian

Note 18: Congrats to A’ja Wilson on winning her third straight (fifth overall) WNBA MVP. She’s sure had to put up with a lot of racist shitheads, and she just keeps winning. More: ESPN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Oslo, where Donald Trump did not win the Nobel Peace Prize. In fact, he lost to a woman who works for the International Criminal Court. Probably because she cares about the law and human rights and didn’t kill more than 100 Iranian little girls. Congrats to Navi Pillary. And as always, suck it, Trump.

Note 20: And on that righteous and hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And if you’re struggling, just remember that it could be worse and you could be Doug Collins. Love y’all!

Abolish ICE

ICE shot someone in New York yesterday. The man’s five-year-old son was in the car at the time. Markwaynefuckhead did a press conference this morning where he defended the scumbag who did the shooting and attacked the press and Mayor Mandani for standing up for basic decency and human rights. From what we’ve seen, New Yorkers are fucking furious. We all are. Abolish ICE. Today, tomorrow, forever.

More: The Guardian

Tough Guy

Big tough guy Donald Trump is sending his thugs at DOJ after former aide Cassidy Hutchinson. Cassidy’s big crime is that she told the truth about what Trump did on Jan. 6. And now Trump is trying to indict her for perjury. Remember all the outrage when Ossoff criticized Natalie Harp? Why aren’t we hearing it now? Oh right because those people were full of shit. Anyway, we think this is a really stupid plan by Trump and his DOJ and we can’t wait to watch it backfire.

More: The Guardian

Psycho Pete

The Secretary of Defense is a bloodthirsty nutjob. Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the terrorist piece of shit who attacked Ft. Hood is going to be put to death by a livestreamed firing squad. So congrats to America on becoming Iran. Hegseth said he wants to send a message, and we’re pretty sure a live showing of American soldiers shooting a scumbag in a wheelchair will do just that. It will also make him a martyr, which is probably something he really wants. Anyway, America is pretty fucking gross right now, and we should probably do something about it this November.

More: AP

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump celebrated tech billionaires for their contributions to America on Thursday only hours after a company run by one of them, Microsoft, was accused by his vice president of abusing the visa system to bring in more foreign workers.

It so happens five of the six leaders he honored are immigrants. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — In his campaign to become the next governor of New York, Republican Bruce Blakeman has suggested Democrats might steal the election, played up fears about immigrant criminals and posted AI-generated videos depicting the state as dangerous and unaffordable.

And on Friday night, he’ll rally with President Donald Trump in Syracuse. It is not exactly a message that seems geared toward winning over moderate voters. More: AP

CORONADO, Calif. (AP) — After more than 10 months at sea, thousands of sailors Thursday poured out of the the USS Lincoln on San Diego Bay to thunderous cheers, streaming tears and emotional hugs, marking a homecoming that included new dads who met babies born while they were away on a historic deployment supporting the Iran war. More: AP

President Donald Trump on Friday signed an order directing the attorney general and other top federal officials to establish a committee to investigate Federal Reserve governor Lisa Cook, in his latest attempt to fire her. More: NBC News

Ukrainian negotiators heading to the United States for a new round of talks to end the war with Russia will discuss a comprehensive new plan to help break the ongoing impasse in the conflict, a senior administration official told NBC News. More: NBC News

Saudi Arabia’s civil aviation authority said on Friday that three Saudi nationals were killed and several people were injured in two ⁠attacks on King Khalid International Airport in Riyadh on Thursday. More: NBC News

Vice President JD Vance seemed to get lost in the sauce as he explained his own definition of socialism during a Thursday press conference. More: HuffPost

If you are one of the millions of people who use terms like artificial intelligence or AI, Donald Trump has a harsh message for you: You’re the enemy. More: HuffPost

Vice President JD Vance said he was unaware of the current scandal facing U.S. Ambassador Kimberly Guilfoyle when a reporter asked about it on Thursday.

Still, he admitted he didn’t like the “hypothetical.” More: HuffPost

Kimberly Guilfoyle chose an interesting time to post her first tweet since July, but she didn’t use the moment to address the elephant in the room. More: HuffPost

Chairman of the Federal Trade Commission Andrew Ferguson said Thursday he’s proud of the work President Donald Trump’s administration is doing to combat discrimination ― for white men, that is. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam

‘Honey Please’

Adam Parkhomenko — Thu, 08 Oct 2026 14:51:41 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s really worried about Southern California.

Note: Who needs a break from the doom, gloom and crippling anxiety? Yeah, us too. That’s why today we are focusing on some real heroes. If you’ve been reading us for a while, then you know how we have long been fascinated by the fact that Trumpism gives the opportunity for real, everyday Americans to become total badasses. We’re all Andor basically. That’s why today we want to take a second to show our gratitude to every tough-as-nails motherfucker who went into the lyin’ lion’s den last night and royally pissed off President Shit-for-brains…

Yessssss. Man, it takes a lot of guts going into a setting like that and telling the truth to orange power. We know Trump supporters are violent, crazy and cultish, so standing up among them and confronting their Jackass Jesus is some truly courageous shit. Especially seven times. LOL. THANK YOU to the Sexy Patriots who infiltrated the rally last night and probably made the president poop himself with anger. We love watching that deranged, delusional asshole get his bullshit bubble popped.

This is what it’s all about, y’all. We’re either gonna be brave and take on fascism and win or we’re gonna lose everything. We know which side we’re on, and it sure as hell ain’t the side that the pedo-protector is on. So thanks for giving him hell, Texas. Now please elect James Talarico. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: We did some therapy yesterday, and it was awesome. Our friend Kyle joined us, and Sam even did a little singing. If you missed it, you can get caught up here.

Note three: It seems to have finally sunk in with Trump that he might lose the Senate. He launched a bigoted attack on Adbul last night, and he has even stopped publicly insulting Ken Paxton. Don’t you love seeing fuckhead scared? More: The Hill

Note four: This is one of the craziest stories from the campaign trail we’ve seen yet. Thank you to HuffPo’s Jen Bendery for getting it out there. More: HuffPost

Note five: The mainstream media are gonna be shocked that Trump is still fantasizing about Iran nuking SoCal…

Note six: TRIGGER WARNING — Please be advised that this story is about rape. It is a shocking story about a congressional candidate being assaulted while repairing one of her campaign signs. America is a fucking horror show these days. More: The Guardian

Note seven: You won’t be surprised to hear that Trump lied about paying for those government-funded ads. Thankfully, the DNC is suing him over them. More: HuffPost

Note eight: It really should be a bigger deal that Trump is going around bragging about expecting quid pro quo for his pardons. More: USA Today

Note nine: Putin just bombed two civilian buses in Ukraine. Yesterday the president of the United States called the murderous scum to wish him a happy birthday. We’re beyond treason at this point. More: NBC News, New Republic

Note 10: Us Sexy Patriots might not have Jeff Bezos’s money, but at least we have some self-respect. What a sniveling little shit…

Note 11: The USS Lincoln is nearly home. So Pete Hegseth is ramping up his lie machine to insist that all is well. More: NBC News

Note 12: Just a head’s up — we hate to say it, but we think y’all should know that the polling in Florida is not looking good. What the hell is wrong with that place? More: NBC News

Note 13: Obama is boosting Troy Jackson. We love to see it. But we bet Susan Collins is pretty fucking concerned this morning…

Note 14: ICE just released a Kentucky State University women’s basketball player after keeping her in custody for two months. She has a torn ACL, and those thugs kept her in pain and without surgery for two fucking months. Abolish ICE. More: SpectrumNews1

Note 15: RIP to American pioneer Maraget Hamilton. Can we please put women in charge of everything and instantly get a lot smarter? More: The Guardian

Note 16: Actor Glen Powell doesn’t want to talk about politics. So he can go fuck himself. And Stephen A. Smith wants to make fun of people battling mental health issues. So he can eat shit. More: Deadline, Bleacher Report

Note 17: Hey so we know you know this, but we really, really, really need to put a check on this crazy sonofabitch…

Note 18: It’s Debate Day in Michigan. Kick his ass, Abdul. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Pete Hegseth. No, really. Because we think this will make you laugh so hard your sides will hurt like you’re running a race and really far behind. What a loser…

Note 20: And on that slow and struggling note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. Especially if you fucked up Trump’s rally last night. Love y’all!

Suck it Up

LOL. Ken Paxton’s campaign just keeps getting worse and worse. Not only did Trump just fuck him over by calling for Talarico to debate Ken (Talarico has been asking for debates for a while now while Paxton has been ducking them), but the people around Ken just keep leaking recordings of him being awful. The latest drop reveals that Paxton wants to go after Social Security and Medicare, telling people that we’re just gonna have to “suck it up” and cut benefits. We know Republicans think like this, but it’s pretty stunning to actually hear about it. Anyway, keep up the good work, Ken!

More: Texas Tribune

Korrupt Kimberly

The Wall Street Journal has a jaw-dropping story about Kim Guilfoyle begging a corrupt Kentucky donor to pay her massive American Express bill. The exchanges the Journal published are amazing. Not only is she corrupt as fuck, but she keeps begging the scumbag who pays her bills to stop texting about their arrangement. We’re gonna need some investigations into our ambassador to Greece.

More: Wall Street Journal, AP, The Independent

More War

According to reports, Trump is considering ramping up his war against Iran before the midterms, thinking that more people will rally around him and his party if he does. We think that’s the stupidest fucking idea we’ve ever heard. We also think it’s pretty fucked up that he’s just blatantly using our troops as political pawns. Here’s a question — why would we need to escalate a war we’ve already won? Why would we need to bomb them more if we already control the Strait of Hormuz? You know what? We’re starting to think this Trump fella isn’t on the level.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Millions of Americans who buy cheap drugs from Canada could soon lose access when a customs rule goes into effect later this month, a change that has sparked opposition from Democrats and some Republicans with the cost of living a top issue for voters ahead of midterm elections. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Worries around artificial intelligence cross party lines, with the vast majority of Americans saying the U.S. government should prioritize keeping AI under human control and protecting workers. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The midterm elections might look ominous for President Donald Trump, but there are places where his Republican Party could turn the tables on Democrats if it can peel off a few key wins in key congressional races. More: AP

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) — President Donald Trump on Wednesday said he wants to develop one of his Florida golf courses into a presidential retreat where his successors can spend quiet weekends on the greens, describing it as “sort of a Camp David ” that he says would already have many of the security features needed to host presidents and world leaders. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Federal Communications Commission is considering a request by a conservative group to loosen rules on political robocalls, including those with artificial intelligence-generated voices, before November’s midterm elections. More: AP

Donald Trump’s latest big crowd boast was brought down to earth with a bump by a C-SPAN camera operator.

During a midterms rally at the Freeman Coliseum in San Antonio, Texas, on Wednesday, the president once again took aim at the media as he boasted about the size of his audience in attendance. More: HuffPost

Isaias surged toward the U.S. Gulf Coast on Thursday as the first hurricane of the Atlantic season, prompting mandatory evacuations and school closures in parts of Florida.

Isaias was forecast to intensify rapidly and bring strong winds and a life-threatening storm surge to the Florida Panhandle, southern Alabama and southern Mississippi when it makes landfall on the northern Gulf Coast late Friday or early Saturday. Heavy rain with the risk of flooding was possible into the weekend as far inland as the Tennessee Valley. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam

Yellin’ of Troy

Adam Parkhomenko — Wed, 07 Oct 2026 14:56:24 GMT

To all the Sexy Patriots who read and share our newsletter every single day, thank you. We love y’all, and we’re so grateful that you continue to show up, spread the word, and help Adam and Sam build this little community into something pretty damn special

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it only kinda rips off Simpsons’ jokes.

Note: It finally happened, Sexy Patriots! We caught the spirit! You know how sometimes it’ll be close to the holidays and you aren’t in the holiday mood? And then you’ll see It’s a Wonderful Life or you’ll help someone out and then BOOM you’re in that holiday mindset? Well, thanks to our own personal Santa Claus, Troy “Action” Jackson, we now have the election holiday spirit…

Get her ass, Troy! We don’t think it’s a stretch to say the Maine Senate race has been a roller coaster. In fact, it’s been a flat out fucking mess. But out of the darkness, a hero emerged. He might not be all glitz and glamour, but he is our T-Rex and he’s come stomping out of the jungle to end Susan Collins’ career and we are so fucking here for it.

We don’t know if Troy will or even can win. But we know he’s saying shit we desperately needed Susan and Mainers to hear and we know he stepped in and stepped up when we damn sure needed him to. And for that we are super grateful and doing what we can to help him. Because it’s about goddamn time someone gave Susan Collins something to really be concerned about it. Thanks, Troy! Do the right thing, Maine! Eat shit, Susan! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. Badly. How about today at 3:30 p.m. ET/12:30 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then.

Note three: Sally Yates is leading the probe into Cornell. This is good news. Get that young woman some justice please! And Megyn Kelly is a wart on the rectum of society. More: NBC News

Note four: It is objectively hilarious that every time Ken Paxton trashes Trump, someone records it and sends it to the media. People really hate that dude. For many, many good reasons. More: HuffPost

Note five: Need something to freak out about? Well this did it for us…

Note six: The mainstream media really want you to know that Trump wasn’t actually threatening to nuke California. Maybe if they lived there and had put up with two years of Trump’s lies and abuses, then they wouldn’t be so eager to give him the benefit of the doubt. Fucking wimps.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note seven: Republicans are spending a fortune to reelect Max Miller, and his scummy ass still won’t stop trashing them. Imagine being too cruel, crazy and violent for Trump’s GOP. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Did y’all know Don Henley was a real one? We had no idea. Respect. More: Houston Chronicle

Note nine: We try not to get all excited when Washington tip-sheets classify races, but man it’s hard not to notice when the Cook Political Report moves Kansas to the toss-up column. Fuck Roger Marshall. More: KMBC

Note 10: Mike Rogers is so scared that he’s drinking Canadian beer and kinda sorta pushing back against Trump. Our guy Adbul has this man shitting his shorts!

Note 11: NBC News says we need a “gut check” on our ambitions for the midterms. Ok that’s fine. Here it is. Now fuck the GOP and their media enablers. More: NBC News

Note 12: Did y’all watch this season of Ted Lasso? Holy shit are we emotional wrecks.

Note 13: Republicans are racist monsters. We need to defeat every last motherfucking one of them.

Note 14: Hillary is getting involved for Peggy Flanagan in Minnesota. Let’s do this! More: HuffPost

Note 15: Racist smurf Ben Shapiro is making a movie about Renee Good’s murder. His script says the “fat blue hair” was shot in the face above and below her covid mask. But don’t worry because he and David Axelrod are both White Sox fans so Axe has something to tweet with him about. More: Variety

Note 16: ABC News told a judge it is holding back in its midterm coverage because of threats from Trump and Brendan Carr. So we don’t have a free press in America anymore. That sucks. More: Politico

Note 17: This is so fucking funny to us. Greg Abbott hiding from Trump is not something we saw coming.

Note 18: MAGA merch ain’t selling like it used to. Neither is Trump’s bullshit. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the European Parliament building in Strasbourg. Why? Because of the hilarious naked statue of Trump they just unveiled. RESPECTED AROUND THE WORLD AGAIN LOL!!!

Note 20: And on that anatomically correct note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Especially if you’re supporting Troy “T-Rex” Jackson. Let’s go! Love y’all!

Batshit Bessent

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent doesn’t work and play well with others. And here we thought he just sucked at managing the economy. According to the Wall Street Journal, Bessent has run off Treasury’s employees with violent outbursts. Apparently one of the things that sets him off is bad press. LOL. He must get set off a lot. But also how funny is it that all the big tough West Wing guys are afraid of this nerd?

More: Mediaite

$1 Billion

According to the AP, that’s what Republicans are going to spend on this election and they are worried it’s not enough. The main reservation pundits and pols have about the midterms is the GOP’s massive cash advantage. Elon Leon is dumping millions into tight races daily, and Trump has about half-a-bil in his super PAC. Oh and he’s not reimbursing us for the $10 million of our money he spent on ads so far. This is a real David vs. Goliath story if Goliath was an orange rapist racist piece of shit. Let’s hope America can’t be bought.

More: AP

A Dark Day

Today is the three-year anniversary of the Hamas terror attacks on Israel. While we have been horrified by what has happened since, we remember this day as a tragic, terrible, gut-wrenching terrorist attack. The stories of violence from that day are truly traumatizing, and we will always hold a place in our hearts for innocent victims. To our Jewish friends who are struggling today, we’re sending hugs.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — The primary Senate Republican super PAC is sending reinforcements to deep red South Carolina as President Donald Trump prepares to travel there to boost Sen. Darline Graham. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A day after President Donald Trump said he would start paying for controversial taxpayer-funded ads with a campaign account, there’s no sign he plans to refund the millions of federal dollars already spent on them. More: AP

Relatives of some soldiers killed in the Iran war joined dozens of Gold Star families from prior U.S. conflicts Tuesday at the White House, where President Donald Trump offered words of comfort and candles were lit for the fallen service members, according to one of the widows who attended.

Not all families of the six soldiers killed March 1 in the deadliest attack of the Iran war opted to attend. Troops who survived the attack have raised questions about why they were stationed at a site that didn’t have sufficient air protection and was viewed as a likely target. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Lawyers for a former Olympian whom the Justice Department charged with intentionally damaging the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, only to abruptly drop the case after determining he was not responsible, urged two government watchdogs on Tuesday to examine what they say was a flawed investigation and prosecution. More: AP

One of Melania Trump’s senior advisers dragged a trio of Hollywood heavyweights into an unusual victory lap over the first lady’s documentary “Melania.”

Marc Beckman invoked Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts and Leonardo DiCaprio in social media posts on Tuesday, using the box-office performances of their recent movies to bolster his claims. Cruise was first in the firing line as Beckman seized on the disappointing box-office opening numbers for the actor’s new movie, “Digger.” More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump blocked Maryland Gov. Wes Moore (D) from speaking at Trump’s Tuesday announcement of an investment in submarine manufacturing in Maryland, a source familiar with the situation told HuffPost. More: HuffPost

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Eva Marie Saint, the pale, willowy actor who won an Academy Award for her first movie, “On the Waterfront,” and starred opposite Cary Grant in the Alfred Hitchcock thriller “North by Northwest,” has died. She was 102. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam

Don’t Nuke L.A.

Adam Parkhomenko — Tue, 06 Oct 2026 14:10:34 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s really sick and tired of Trump’s lies about his goddamn crowd sizes.

Note: We know you’re focused on kicking some serious Republican ass at the polls, but there is one little matter of business we need to attend to. Thom Tillis wants you to know how brave he almost was, and we think that’s just fucking adorable. Yeah, Tillis is making the rounds before his time in the Senate ends, telling everyone how sorry he is he voted for Hegseth and maybe Blanche and really everyone else that Trump told him to.

And nobody’s buying that shit.

We’ve seen some pathetic losers pack up their limp dicks and slink out of D.C. before, but this spineless bitch has some nerve. Remember this is the same asshole who used Hegseth’s accuser and some of the Epstein survivors to justify his goddamn votes. He gets NO POINTS just because Trump hates him and sees him as disloyal. Hell, we all feel that way.

Nice try at rewriting history, Thom. (And nice way to spell your name. Not.) But we’re not fucking idiots. You’re a soulless scumbag, and you enabled every bad thing that is happening. So fuck off and eat shit, dude. We’ve already forgotten you existed. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Dennis Hastert is still dead.

Note three: The Paramount-Warner Bros. merger closed today. Thanks again to the Democratic officials in California who sold us out and refused to fight this. We won’t forget. More: NBC News

Note four: Our pressure worked. Trump says he’s going to start paying for those shitty ads with his super PAC money and not our tax dollars. And he never lies about money so we’re sure this will totally happen. More: AP

Note five: Abdul went on Fox News yesterday and made a fool out of the pretend journalist. This dude is fearless.

Note six: Trump complained about Karl Rove and Rove went bye-bye. We know these are fucked up times, but we’re not gonna defend Rove. Fuck him. More: MediaMatters

Note seven: Have you voted yet? What’s your plan? What are you doing to win?

Note eight: Jim Bakker died. We assume he and Hastert are catching up today. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump is now using anti-trans slurs to attack our candidate in South Carolina. We have two thoughts about this. First, Trump is a gross bigot. And second, Trump is worried about South Carolina. More: NBC News

Note 10: Thank you to Colorado Gov. Jared Polis for making this possible. We hope he fucks off forever. But also, it does make us feel a little better that Tina Peters is planning the next coup.

Note 11: Kristi Noem needs to go to jail. Someone tell couchfucker’s fraud task force about her. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Politico has kissed orange ass until their lips bled. And they still got kicked off the plane. LOL. More: NBC News

Note 13: They are protesting at Cornell. We needed to see this. Cornell did too.

Note 14: The workers laid off from this Ohio auto factory might disagree with Trump that this is the greatest economy ever. More: PBS

Note 15: Sarah Huckabee Sanders forgot that the first rule of being a Republican is to always be a racist piece of shit. We’re shocked she forgot. More: AP

Note 16: Sam Alito says it’s “offensive” to say he votes with MAGA. Sam Alito thinks we’re stupid. Sam Alito can go suck his own anus. More: AP

Note 17: Just a reminder that James Talarico is pro-weed and Ken Paxton is a piece of shit.

Note 18: Speaking of Texas, it’s pretty fucking funny that even Greg Abbott doesn’t want to be seen with Trump. More: Yahoo News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Fox News and Mike Lawler. Yeah, we were surprised too. But we can’t stop laughing at all these assholes running away from their orange daddy. Run, Mikey, Run!

Note 20: And on that succinct and frightened note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and kicking ass. Unless you are Thom Tillis. In that case, we hope your little weiner falls off. Love y’all!

Wolverines!

The Democratic Party’s big guns are headed to Michigan to help Abdul El-Sayed beat Trump trash Mike Rogers. AOC was just there, Mamdani is on his way and President Obama will be there later this month. This is the kind of unity we have wanted to see, and we are enormously grateful to the officials who are making the trip. We are also not gonna forget the centrist assholes who have attacked Abdul at every turn. Abdul is a fighter, and we need him in the U.S. Senate. So let’s do this, Michigan.

More: AP

(Parts of) America First

Last night at a rally in Nebraska, Trump rambled incoherently about Iran nuking San Diego and Los Angeles. His defenders are saying he doesn’t want that and was trying to say that he prevented it. But the reality is all those assholes from Nebraska were cheering at the idea of a foreign country nuking millions of their fellow Americans. And they probably think of themselves as patriots. Every California official called out this reckless bullshit, but we’re sure the mainstream media will move on.

More: The Guardian, bsky.app

Kavanaugh Stops

It was Justice Kavanaugh who said that American citizens who are detained by ICE will be let go with minimal hassle and after just a few moments. Fucking asshole. ProPublica is reporting today that at least 506 U.S. citizens have been detained by ICE, sometimes at gunpoint, and 12 have been deported. They fucking deported 12 U.S. citizens. Oh and they’ve zip-tied more than 70 kids. If you’re a Democrat who’s squeamish about taking on ICE, then you need to find a spine real fucking quick because this can’t be allowed to go on.

More: ProPublica

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., is putting President Donald Trump on notice: If Democrats win control, they don’t intend to put “MAGA” judges on the courts. More: NBC News

VENICE, Italy (AP) — The opening in U.S. theaters of the “NAZA” documentary, in which Israeli military insiders describe what they say was the reckless killing of civilians in Gaza, is likely to rekindle the searing debate over America’s military support for Israel ahead of congressional elections. More: AP

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A former music pastor in Ohio who appeared briefly on “ American Idol ” was sentenced Monday to life in prison without the possibility of parole, after a jury convicted him last week of murdering his wife while he was having an affair. More: AP

President Donald Trump has approved the execution by firing squad of Army Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan for the 2009 shooting rampage at Fort Hood, Texas. More: AP

President Donald Trump on Monday called aide Natalie Harp to join him on stage at a rally in Nebraska, where he compared her to a model on a TV game show. More: HuffPost

Phil Collins has made it abundantly clear he is no fan of Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam

Diddlin’ Dennis Takes a Dirt Nap

Adam Parkhomenko — Mon, 05 Oct 2026 14:43:32 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it would never hire Karoline Leavitt’s lyin’ ass.

Note: Now that’s how you start a week, Sexy Patriots! We’re so used to waking up on Monday mornings and getting hit in the face with the latest shit pie Trump has served up that we honestly don’t know how to react to good news on a Monday morning. But when good things happen, it’s important to stop, acknowledge them and even celebrate them a little. So what has us so happy today? This gross motherfucker kicked the bucket…

Guess the reception area in Hell is busy today. Now y’all know we don’t celebrate or encourage violence. We think it’s beneath us. But we will sure as shit celebrate when a Republican pedophile bites the big one from natural causes. We hope he died screaming and afraid while shitting himself to death. Or is that too good for him? Oh well. Throw some dirt on that icky sonofabitch and let’s go get lunch.

It really is no wonder that Trump fit in so well with a Republican Party that had Hastert as a leader. We’re up against some truly evil fuckers, and they deserve every bad thing that’s coming their way. So we hope Hastert enjoys getting sodomized by a red hot pitchfork. We know it sure puts a smile on our faces. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Sam Alito opened that asshole of a mouth of his and spewed some bullshit this weekend. He was trying to act tough, but we saw a frightened and desperate man. You can read more here…

Note three: So Russia let the plague escape from one of their labs. Great. The fucking plague. At least our president has experience handling something like this. Oh shit. More: NBC News

Note four: Hey Florida people, do we really have a chance to win this gubernatorial race? Because Byron Donalds always seemed like a real fucking asshole to us. More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: Speaking of Florida, we love it so much when Angie Nixon makes fun of JD. We bet she makes him cry…

Note six: Karoline Leavitt is going to work for Fox News. Fuck her and fuck them. More: The Hill

Note seven: Jared Kushner hasn’t been negotiating an end to the Russian war on Ukraine. He has been negotiating an oil deal. If Democrats aren’t ready to go hard after this corruption, then they should just give up now. More: The Hill

Note eight: PLEASE CHECK YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION AND ENCOURAGE EVERYONE ELSE YOU KNOW TO DO THE SAME. AND THEN VOTE. VOTE LIKE THE WIND!

Note nine: Rahm Emanuel went on Meet the Press yesterday. He played bullshit games about whether he’s endorsing Abdul in Michigan and he said Democrats shouldn’t focus on impeachment. We want to be very clear how we feel about this guy — FUCK RAHM EMANUEL. More: NBC News

Note 10: So great to see Jack Smith at the Power to the People festival this weekend. Does that shirt say “No Kings?”

Note 11: Pete Hegseth and Trump have royally screwed over the soldiers who were injured in Iran. Impeaching Hegseth should be the easiest call a Democratic Congress makes. More: AP

Note 12: According to an NBC poll, Latino voters are moving away from Trump and the GOP big time. It’s probably because of all the racism and the masked thugs terrorizing grandmothers. More: NBC News

Note 13: Trump was embarrassed by some empty seats in Alabama this weekend. We want to say thank you to everyone who showed up to protest. It’s important to remember that our friends in Red States are doing their best to fight back against the bullshit.

Note 14: The whistleblower who revealed Nutlick’s Epstein ties committed suicide. Or so they’re saying. More: The Daily Beast

Note 15: Trump said this weekend that he’s going to win the midterms and shove it up our asses. He actually said that. We’re sure he meant to sound tough, but we just thought it sounded weird. More: The Hill

Note 16: Virginia Giuffre’s family is getting involved in the midterms. They took part in an ad to blast a GOP congressman for voting to cover up the Epstein files. We don’t have the words to thank them for this necessary tactic. But we sure are grateful. More: NBC News

Note 17: One of the only great things from the Trump era has been watching just how much Robert DeNiro hates that guy. And nobody cusses like DeNiro. Not even us.

Note 18: Trump posted Tom Cotton’s cell phone number this weekend. Remember he did that to Lindsey Graham? Well congrats to Cotton on being the new Lindsey. LOL. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Public Enemy. Chuck D and Flavor Flav have been keeping it real for decades now, and we are always so happy to be on the same side of the fight as they are.

Note 20: And on that badass note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend. Unless you are Dennis Hastert, in which case you had exactly the weekend you deserved. Love y’all!

Brazilian Waxxed

So you know how we’ve spent the last few years being jealous of Brazil because they actually held Bolsonaro accountable for attempting a coup? Well it turns out they are just as dumb as us. In this weekend’s elections, the far right did very well and Bolsonaro’s son is leading Lula as the two head to a run-off later this month. Trump and Elon have done everything they can to interfere in this election, and it really sucks to see that Brazil might do the same stupid shit America did. But it’s also a great reminder to ignore the polls and focus on the work.

More: AP

Eat Shit, Sam

Not our Sam. Sam Altman. The head of OpenAI told Politico that he thinks “the world should accept some bad things” from AI because its benefits will be so great. We say fuck that and fuck him. There is going to be a huge opening for a party to run against these Silicon Valley assholes. We wonder if our party will have the stones to do it.

More: The Guardian

Victory?

Over the weekend, Trump scrambled to move all our bombers from a British base because we got intel they were gonna be attacked. Isn’t that weird? Because we’ve been hearing for months now that Iran has been defeated. And yet gas is still high and just this weekend Trump was telling Europeans they should go open the Strait of Hormuz. But isn’t it already open? Guess not. The scariest part is realizing that Trump is still planning to escalate this debacle after the midterms. We’re really gonna need a Democratic Congress, y’all.

More: AP

Today’s clips

TOKYO (AP) — The arrest of a U.S. Marine on suspicion of robbing and killing a local woman on Okinawa has drawn condemnation from Japan’s leaders and renewed protests against the heavy American military presence on the southern island. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is taking his Republican midterm rescue mission to Nebraska on Monday, campaigning alongside GOP Sen. Pete Ricketts, who is running against an independent candidate backed by national Democrats. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries said Sunday his party is on track to win back control of the House, confident Democrats can overcome a fundraising disadvantage and reach deep into conservative areas to flip congressional districts won by President Donald Trump just two years ago. More: AP

Christa Pike has remained unconscious and on a ventilator at a hospital in the four days since her failed execution in Tennessee, and her prognosis might not be known for days more, one of her lawyers said Sunday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A top cryptocurrency campaign organization is unveiling a bipartisan list of House members that it will support in the November midterms, as one of the biggest-spending interest groups looks to flex its muscles after a mixed legislative year in Congress. More: AP

Zach Bryan broke the Gillette Stadium attendance record while sporting a “Free Palestine” T-shirt for the second night in a row. More: US Magazine

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court kicks off a new term Monday, with the justices hearing an attempt by oil companies to throw out lawsuits brought by cities and counties alleging they should pay damages for the impacts of climate change. More: NBC News

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton’s estranged wife urged voters to stand behind the entire Republican midterm ticket in an ad released Saturday, though she neglected to name Paxton directly. More: NBC News

The Last (No) Jobs Report

Adam Parkhomenko — Fri, 02 Oct 2026 14:45:50 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And its son said its first non-cuss words today.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Who’s ready to flip Congress and make some scary assholes cry? Yeah, us too. Because shit is royally fucked up and we need some people who can start un-fucking it asap. But before we do, we want to say thank you to President Trump (don’t worry; this is a bit). As y’all know, we hate that motherfucker. Like really, really, really, really hate him. But we have to hand it to him. He did the impossible and made us laugh. How? By hating Ken Paxton as much as we hate him. We seriously can’t stop cracking up at the endless abuse Kenny has to endure for this shit endorsement…

LOLOL!!! The thing everyone forgets about making a deal with the devil is that the devil never comes through and then he shows up in your home state and makes fun of you for being a corrupt loser. And it got worse. We have an exclusive transcript of the rest of Trump’s remarks on Paxton

*… Now I know pieces of shit. I happen to be a YUGE piece of shit. The yugest! Right, Natalie? But even I have to admit that Ken Paxton is a bigger piece of shit than me. Many people are saying he’s the biggest piece of shit in the universe. If being a piece of shit was being a planet, I would be Jupiter and Ken would be the Sun (*note: Trump probably thinks the sun is a planet*). Big strong men straight out of central casting are coming up to me with tears in their eyes and telling me ‘Sir, you’re a giant piece of shit, but even you don’t compare to Ken Paxton.’ So I guess vote for this enormous piece of shit because a piece of shit told you to. God bless Texas.*

Ok so that’s not real. But we bet we’re not that far off. Fuck Paxton. Motherfuck Trump. Save Texas. Save America. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about today at 3:30 p.m. ET/12:30 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then.

Note three: Thank you to New York Gov. Kathy Hochul for naming Letitia James as a special prosecutor to look into the Cornell gang rape allegations. We all need some answers and some justice here. More: ABC7 NY

Note three: Fuckhead has pictures of Putin and Xi in our White House. He really ain’t hiding the dictator shit anymore. More: ABC7 NY

Note four: Speaking of hiding, Susie Wiles has told everyone in the administration to be cool on abortion until after the election. So we really need a House and Senate to stop whatever the fuck they’re planning on abortion and Iran. More: Washington Sun

Note five: Thank you to our friends at Bolts Mag for laying out voter registration deadlines here. Please make sure to check your registration. More: BlueSky

Note six: Speaking of Bolts, they have published the most comprehensive voter guide you will find anywhere. Check it out! More: Bolts Mag

Note seven: We were serious about the first words thing. Adam’s boy Brooks said “Da Da” this morning, and we’re all real excited about it. He’ll be saying “fuck Trump” by the end of the month.

Note eight: Trump is sending a third aircraft carrier to the Middle East. Why? Didn’t we already win this war that isn’t a war? More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump was hanging out with Dennis Rodman last night. It’s like he’s running out of scumbags. More: Reuters

Note 10: If you’re tempted to rest the next 32 days, just remember this is what we’re up against.

Note 11: Big congrats to A’ja Wilson and the Las Vegas Aces on beating the Indiana Fever (and their racist sexist fans) in the first round of the WNBA playoffs. A lot of people who pretend to watch women’s sports are gonna be very angry when they hear about this. More: ESPN

Note 12: Renee Good’s family are suing the federal government. We’re sure as shit rooting for them. More: NPR

Note 13: When does Davey Hearn get his apology from Trump and Pirro? And why don’t the press give a shit that Trump tried to put an innocent American in prison? More: NBC News

Note 14: Hey Ohio, Max Miller is the absolute scum of the earth. If you vote for him, you are too. More: Mother Jones

Note 15: Man, Mandani really is the dumbfuck whisperer.

Note 16: Abdul called JD “low T JD” and we are dying. It’s almost as good as couch fucking freak. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Looking for an unlikely Senate race to get involved in? Take a look at Mississippi. No, we are not joking and neither is Democrat Scott Colom. More: Yahoo News

Note 18: Republicans are trying to exonerate Nixon. Richard Nixon. But don’t worry. We’re sure they’ll start working on gas prices and healthcare next. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to North Carolina. According to a new report this morning, John Thune and his PAC have stopped spending there. While anything can happen and we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, this is generally considered to be the equivalent of waving a white flag. Guess Trump’s latest fucked up visit there didn’t help the Republican candidate. The even better news? Republicans are being forced to spend in Kansas. LOL. More: Semafor

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. We also hope Ken Paxton eats a dick. Love y’all!

Fuck ‘em up, Angie

The weirdo beardo loser who puts his tiny tallywhacker in furniture and whatnot wants a Black woman to leave America because she wants people to have healthcare. JD Vance went to Florida yesterday to attack Angie Nixon. He told Nixon to “get the hell out of here — you don’t belong in America.” Sonofabitch. But don’t worry. Angie fired back and got his ass big time. Still, it will never stop being shocking to us that elected officials talk this way and we really hope we get to see JD eat it someday.

More: bsky.app

Ms No

This story actually broke Tuesday night, but we didn’t see it until yesterday after we hit publish. CNN and MSNow, the so-called liberal channel, are taking our money to run Trump’s campaign ads. We are paying for those fucking things, and apparently those news networks are happy to put our money in their pockets and run those fucking ads. It’s a good reminder that right-wingers control the media. MS Now is supposed to be the liberal channel and it’s all former Republicans. Still, we hope they fuck all the way off.

More: Common Dreams, Washington Post

The (No) Jobs Report

Ouch. That’s about all you can say about the September jobs report that came out this morning. Trump officials are all over television trying to tell us that it’s a good thing that the U.S. economy added only 29,000 jobs last month and that the unemployment rate went up. But we’re not total fucking idiots so we’re not buying it. This was the last jobs report before Election Day, and it is a powerful reminder that Donald Trump has fucked up the economy in unimaginable ways. Between tariffs and stupid wars, Trump has wrecked us. And blaming Biden ain’t gonna save him.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Member countries in the Group of Seven agreed on Friday to release tens of millions of barrels of diesel fuel and crude oil, the latest move by industrial economies around the world to cap soaring gas prices. More: NBC News

After having suffered massive voter registration losses in the wake of the last presidential election, Democrats have stemmed the bleeding in several key states heading into this year’s midterms, according to an NBC News Decision Desk analysis. More: NBC News

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers have been ordered not to engage in high-speed car chases and to make vehicle stops only if they have completed specific training, under new internal guidance issued after several drivers were shot in encounters with ICE. More: NBC News

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Christa Pike was in critical condition Thursday and receiving “lifesaving care” at a hospital, her lawyers said, a day after a failed attempt to execute her pushed Tennessee’s governor to halt further executions this year and order an independent review. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court on Thursday agreed to review a Trump administration policy denying bond hearings for immigrants as the government carries out a sweeping crackdown. More: AP

ST. LOUIS, Mo. (First Alert 4) - A St. Louis man who spent decades wondering about his biological roots was recently reunited with his birth parents—and discovered his father is a five-time Grammy Award winner. More: FirstAlert4

Patriotic Cowboys

Adam Parkhomenko — Thu, 01 Oct 2026 13:56:46 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But its approval rating is higher than Trump’s.

Note: Y’all, we are a goddamn mess. Like, we’re holding it together, but this fucking sprint with either salvation or doom waiting at the finish line can’t be good for our health. Mental, physical or sexual. And it’s going to get worse. We know that polls tighten, we know the boot-licking media will love a good Trump-might-pull-off-a-miracle-comeback story and there will probably be 30 October fucking surprises a day. To cope with all of this pressure and anxiety, we are turning to an unlikely source… Markwaynebobwillimanshitforbrains Mullin…

Anyone else surprised he’s smart enough to work a stress ball? On the one hand, he might be the dumbest motherfucker to ever get shat out of some sort of cow-person. On the other hand, he might be onto something with that stress ball. So we are taking a tip from Markwaynejethrothethirdjuniorfred and finding safe and healthy ways to channel our stress for the next 33 days and the nightmare that’s sure to follow. And we’re doing it without having sex with any livestock.

So we went out and got a stressball. It’s about the size of a pumpkin, it’s as orange as a pumpkin and it’s rotting like a pumpkin. We drew a face on it. We gave it an ugly wig. And then we threw that rotten motherfucker right into traffic and watched car after car flatten the ever-loving shit out of it. The drivers were angry at first, but they seemed to enjoy it too after we told them what’s happening. Except one driver who tried to have sex with the rotting pumpkin pieces, but we ran him out of here and right back to Air Force Two.

Of course this is all in jest. But we do want y’all to think about how you can do things to protect your mental health down the stretch. Get a stressball, get a rotting pumpkin or get a second name and jam it into your first name like Markwaynenis did. Be good to yourselves, Sexy Patriots. We’re living through some fucked up shit, and there’s no right way to handle it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump gave an interview to Time that makes clear he’s gonna do everything he can to cheat in the midterms, including invoking the Insurrection Act or declaring a national emergency. We’re gonna need more pumpkins. And fresh pants. More: TIME

Note three: Wanna hear something really messed up? The state of Tennessee tried to kill a woman last night and they botched it. She’s still alive. We’re shocked they didn’t just stone her. More: NBC News

Note four: Eric Schmitt was told his Jack Smith texts were bullshit. He didn’t care. So he’s an idiot and a liar. More: MS Now

Note five: The world hates us now. We have fascism cooties, and they are staying away.

Note six: Good to see Bernie investing in our candidates. We especially love that he is getting Angie Nixon’s back. More: Politico

Note seven: The chief justice of the Supreme Court has a private island. How fucked up is that? Much respect to the paddling protesters. More: New York Times

Note eight: Has early voting started where you live? Have you checked your registration? Have you made a plan? Have you annoyed the living shit out of everyone in your life to go vote to save this country? Ok cool.

Note nine: The White House won’t let CNN travel with Trump today. The rest of the press caved like cowards. The really bad news for America is that this will probably be fixed after Trump and Gavin Newsom’s good buddy David Ellison takes over the news network on Oct. 6. More: NBC News, NBC News

Note 10: Um congrats to Newsom on this endorsement. Guess selling out your own party works.

Note 11: And while we’re in California, here’s the write-up from last night’s gubernatorial debate and one from Tuesday night’s L.A. mayoral debate. More: AP, KTLA

Note 12: Todd Blanche said yesterday it’s ok for him to be political in his personal life. He’s going after judges in Minnesota for being too political. We really want to see that asshole rot in prison. More: AP

Note 13: Lara Trump says the Trumps’ lives aren’t a “cakewalk.” We sure feel sorry for them, don’t you? More: HuffPost

Note 14: We really need to see Jamie Raskin with a gavel in his hand. Can we please make that happen? More: HuffPost

Note 15: Man, Ken Paxton sure does suck hog rectum. Thank goodness other people see it too. Even in Texas.

Note 16: Trump is trying to wreck another part of D.C. as he tries to make Hains Point golf course a place for rich assholes instead of the city who loves it and uses it. So they’re gathering this Saturday to protest. If you’re in the area, come on out. More: WABA

Note 17: This is a real story. Apparently people who drink their own piss love AI. We are not at all surprised. We’re just shocked this is real and not something we made up for the opening note. More: Futurism.com

Note 18: FCC chairman and all-around buttlick Brendan Carr says Trump’s campaign ads that we’re paying for are just fine and dandy. That’s why we’re inviting Carr to eat shit and go fuck himself. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to South Park, er, South America for some more trolling of Trump’s corruption and his tiny weiner. We know these dudes have been right-wing chodes at times, but we love this shit. More: Twitter

Note 20: And on that unsettling note that we definitely should have had a trigger warning for, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an amazing week. If not, please don’t throw any rotting pumpkins into traffic. We were just kidding about that. Love y’all!

About Those Bribes

Trump’s midterm desperation has come lately in the form of bribes to red states. Last week, Trump announced he was moving a steel factory from Minnesota to Iowa. This week, it’s a Korean investment in Alaska. Except neither of those things are on the level. On the latter, Korea is calling bullshit on Trump and Dan Sullivan’s lies. And that steel plant that Trump claimed had already broken ground? Not happening. According to local news, there have been “no major property purchases tied to the project this year.” We can’t believe the Foxconn guy would lie about this shit.

More: Bloomberg, KWQC

Poll Position

The AP has a new poll out this morning with Trump’s approval rating at 31 percent. Ouch. But it actually gets worse than that. Only 26 percent of American adults approve of Trump’s handling of the economy and only 17 percent approve of his handling of the cost of living. Guess all that talk about his fucking ballroom just hasn’t broken through. There’s a lot of shit that can change in the next month, but we seriously doubt this is one of them.

More: AP

Well That Was Terrifying

Good news, everyone. The military is now made up of “patriotic cowboys.” Whatever the fuck that means. Pete Hegseth sobered up long enough yesterday to give a “State of the Force” speech to assembled troops. He gave them copies of his book, he used a bunch of slurs to attack military members who don’t look the part and he told everyone that they’re fighting for Jesus. Even though it was a speech given by a clown, it still scared the living shit out of us. If you watch any of it, you see some real fascism happening in America. Trump’s incompetence helps us get past a lot of our worries, but this deranged America-hating lunatic being in charge of the Pentagon truly terrifies us. If/when we take Congress, Hegseth needs to be impeached immediately. Immediately.

More: The Guardian, bsky.app

Today’s clips

Facing his toughest election challenge in years, GOP Rep. Brian Fitzpatrick has blanketed southeast Pennsylvania with attacks on his Democratic opponent — many of them citing what appear to be independent local news reports. More: Politico

Mortgage rates are at their highest point in nearly three years as turmoil in the bond market continues. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump and Vice President JD Vance will both hit the campaign trail on Thursday, but they will be heading to heavily Republican areas to shore up lagging enthusiasm in their party ahead of next month’s midterm elections. More: AP

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — When Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton launched his campaign for Senate last year, he skipped the local pageantry.

Instead, records show, the conservative firebrand announced his bid on Fox News, cleared his calendar and booked a hotel in Augusta, Georgia, during the storied Masters golf tournament, a trip that cost Texas taxpayers at least $25,000. More: AP

Three Republican states went to the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday to challenge abortion “shield laws” protecting providers in three Democratic states, escalating the legal conflict over pills that account for a majority of abortions. More: AP

Fear, mockery and confusion were among the reactions to Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s plan to install Elon Musk as the co-leader of a project to study the future of warfare. More: HuffPost

A woman who filed a lawsuit saying she was sexually assaulted by seven men at a Cornell University fraternity house told police weeks after the incident that she could “say with 100% confidence I was raped,” according to a report by CBS New York, which said it obtained a transcript of her interview with investigators. More: HuffPost

VATICAN CITY (AP) — The Incredible Hulk fulfilled a childhood dream by meeting with Pope Leo XIV on Wednesday. More: HuffPost

Stepping in Schmitt

Adam Parkhomenko — Wed, 30 Sep 2026 15:00:04 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it has also never been to an Atlanta Hawks game.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The election is so close we can almost taste it. And it tastes like victory. And burnt toast for some reason. We know y’all are doing all the hard work that needs to be done to activate your fellow Americans and deliver some much-needed comeuppance and accountability to President Fuckhead. But there’s one American in particular we want to single out for his efforts to help Democrats. He’s one of our best surrogates, and we’re lucky to have him.

Give it up for couchfuck…

Oopsie. Good one, sofa screwer. Is there anything he can’t fuck up? Have you ever seen a person with less charm? He’s a black hole of personality. When his kids stop talking to him, everyone will know why. Because everyone else will have stopped talking to him too. Couchfuck’s latest strategy to appear like a normal human boy is to use more profanity. We get it. We did the same thing. But we’re not weird losers who put our wieners in furniture. Well Adam isn’t anyway.

The more JD opens his mouth, the more we want him to keep showing up for Republican candidates. Because the bottom line is JD can cuss all he wants, but he’s still gonna be a weird, awkward, ass-kissing, couch-fucking bitch weasel who can eat shit, go to hell and fuck all the way off. Now that’s how you cuss, JD. You shit-stained fucknut. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Congrats again to E. Jean Carroll, who successfully faced off with Trump until he surrendered like the gutless, rapacious and rapey scum that he is. Maybe now the White House press will finally ask about this. We’re just kidding. They would never do their jobs. More: The Guardian

Note three: We don’t pray often, but we are praying that Mark Carney wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Because, man, that just might be enough to push the old orange fuck right over the edge and into heart attack land. More: AP

Note four: We were kinda interested in Aaron Sorkin’s new movie about Zuckerberg because that guy is a fucking creep who needs to be brought down several pegs. But then we learned Sorkin left Trump’s name out of the Jan. 6 parts and we don’t have any interest in watching some cowardly bullshit. Grow some balls, Aaron! More: Politico

Note five: The White House’s AI shit is off to a great start. The good news is it will probably be way too stupid to murder us all. At least on purpose.

Note six: Speaking of stupid AI, Trump’s chat bot was telling the truth about the 2020 election yesterday. Now it’s not anymore. This is one of many reasons AI can get fucked. NO LINK YET

Note seven: Trump’s attempted bribe of the day is for the people of Alaska. We’re sure they will accept these magic beans instead of affordable gas. More: AP

Note eight: Some more weird and horrifying shit happened in the Middle East while we were sleeping. Thank goodness the peace president brought so much calm to the region. More: HuffPost

Note nine: James Talarico challenged Ken Paxton to a debate on Fox News. Both Paxton and Fox News went into hiding as a result. Our boy James has got them pissing their panties. More: HuffPost

Note 10: If this guy is an antisemite, he really sucks at it. Thanks to the mayor for continuing to be a great mayor for ALL New Yorkers.

Note 11: Kristi Noem filed for divorce. We were shocked to hear it. If those two kids can’t make it, who can? More: Dakota News Now

Note 12: We have no idea what’s going on with Jasmine Crockett, but it sure is a bummer. Though at this point, we think her endorsement might hurt more than help. We don’t need our candidates trying to defend Chris Brown. More: San Francisco Chronicle

Note 13: Trump is now standing like Ed Grimley. But we bet he can’t play the triangle.

Note 14: The ads running in California say that the billionaire tax is opposed by Newsom, Becerra and Republican Steve Hilton. So we are definitely in favor of it. More: NBC News

Note 15: CNN is reporting that New York AG Letitia James will investigate the horrifying shit at Cornell. We’re damn glad to see so many eyeballs on this, but man why the fuck did it take so long? More: HuffPost

Note 16: John Fetterman and his Republican friends are blocking a measure that would require the State Department to investigate the deaths of nine Americans in the West Bank. So much for America First. More: The Intercept

Note 17: No, New York Mag, we will not be wearing socks on socks. We were born leg-warmer men and we will die leg-warmer men.

Note 18: There are now 900 measles cases in Pennsylvania. We can’t believe the mentally ill guy who works out in jeans and desecrates animal corpses managed to fuck this up so badly. Ok yeah we can. More: New York Times

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to one of the all-time greats — Mr. Stevie Wonder. This week was the 50th anniversary of the release of Songs in the Key of Life, a must-have album. To celebrate, Stevie dropped four new songs from that session. We are not worthy. More: The Guardian

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And don’t worry — you sound way cooler cussing than JD does. You also don’t have sex with the furniture, so you’ve got that going for you. Love y’all!

Rat Flees Ship

This one is too funny. Ken Paxton, the worst Senate candidate and human being in history, is now blaming Trump and his idiotic convention for his shit poll numbers. According to secret audio obtained by the New York Times, Paxton told an attendee at a small fundraiser that Trump’s Texas convention “dropped our numbers.” Paxton was asked if Trump is a drag on the ticket, and he said “everybody’s numbers dropped” after the Dallas shitshow. We honestly don’t know what’s funnier — Trump’s convention being a disaster for his own party or Ken Paxton thinking that’s the reason people hate his gross ass.

More: The Hill

Oh Schmitt

By now you’ve seen the epic fuck-up by Missouri Sen. Eric Schmitt in the Senate yesterday. We’re putting it here because all the good jokes about it have already been used. But basically, Schmitt thought he had a real gotcha moment on Jack Smith and tried to go in for the kill. Schmitt was accusing Smith of meeting with Fani Willis in Atlanta because he thought Smith had gone to an Atlanta Hawks game. Except he hadn’t. And he wasn’t even in Georgia. And then Amy Klobuchar made him eat all the shit. It was such an embarrassment that people are dunking on the facial expressions of the other Republican senators in the room. So surely Schmitt was embarrassed and apologized, right? Nope. He’s acting like he did it all on purpose and was just asking questions. And if you believe that shit, then you are definitely a Republican.

More: The Independent, The Hill

Big Tech’s America

Trump had all the Big Tech losers to the White House yesterday where they kissed his ass and signed a pledge to be good when it comes to AI. People like Mark Zuckerberg, who just paid $18 billion to settle a lawsuit for addicting kids, and Elon Musk, whose chatbot called itself Adoph Hitler and who is fighting anti-nudification laws in Minnesota, are being told that they can regulate themselves when it comes to AI. Is this stupid? Yes. Will it result in lots of gross sex crimes and possibly the apocalypse? Yes. Is Trump too fucking dumb to understand any of this? Also yes. We know a lot of our people get weak in the knees when it comes to taking on Elon and his crew, but we’re gonna need an actual opposition party to take these fuckers on.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is planning to announce further cuts to the number of generals and admirals serving in the military in an address set for Wednesday, the Pentagon confirmed. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Former special counsel Jack Smith forcefully defended his prosecutions of President Donald Trump and his investigative tactics, pushing back against repeated Republican criticism in a congressional hearing Tuesday that featured a senator’s bungled attempt to accuse him of lying about a basketball game. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Homeland Security has tapped $20 million to pay for the campaign-style ads glorifying President Donald Trump that have drawn widespread criticism from Republicans and Democrats as a blatant misuse of taxpayer dollars that likely runs afoul of anti-propaganda law. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court on Tuesday let President Donald Trump’s administration continue swiftly deporting people to countries other than their own for now, while the justices consider whether the policy is legal. More: AP

OMAHA, Neb. — Marine Corps veteran Gunner Arellano is a Donald Trump man — he voted for the president three times — but, he said, he won’t be casting a ballot for Sen. Pete Ricketts, R-Neb., in November. More: NBC News

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico — The U.S. Coast Guard said Tuesday it had rescued 49 people and was searching for 10 others after a boat carrying migrants recently capsized in open waters west of Puerto Rico. More: NBC News

One of Donald Trump’s controversial, taxpayer-funded ads has been given a brutal reworking by a veterans group.

VoteVets, a progressive political action committee representing veterans and military families, spoofed Trump’s “final battle” ad — a clone of a video he’s shared for years and one of three taxpayer-funded spots released ahead of the 2026 midterms that have drawn anger this week. More: HuffPost

Fetterman’t

Adam Parkhomenko — Mon, 28 Sep 2026 14:53:29 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s all fucking fired up for the midterms.

Note: We’re putting on our serious faces today, Sexy Patriots. So that means no dick jokes or elaborate interviews that end with a punchline about the president crapping himself. At least not in the opening note. No, today we are making a solemn promise. With early voting underway in many places and just 36 days until the midterms, we are promising today to not say a negative word about our fellow Democrats until the election is past us.

No matter how much some people piss us off or try to sell us out, we are staying focused on the Republican scum who need to be taught a lesson. So we will not talk shit about Democrats. Except for this sorry dumb sonofabitch…

Oops. Uncle Fester fucked up and told the truth. We don’t find it as funny as the nerds in the audience. In fact, we wish he would go eat shit and then fuck off. And that wasn’t his only admission. Here are some other gems from the interview…

* “I wear hoodies to cover up my spectacular boobs.”
* “People don’t know it but Trump tastes like an actual orange.”
* “I masturbate to pictures of Bibi. He’s so fucking hot right now.”
* “David McCormick has sex with my wife and me and then I go watch cartoons.”
* “I’ve had like 30 more strokes and that’s why I support Trump’s Middle East policies.”
* “Fox News gives me candy and tells me I’m pretty.”

Ok so we made those up. But would any of them really surprise you if they were true? Maybe we’re a little harsh, but that guy is a sellout fucking asshole and we hate him. If sucking were a sport, that dude would be in the Hall of Fame. Fuck Fetterman. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Since we’re getting close to Election Day and it’s totally Go Time, we thought we’d write some more and do some more therapy sessions. Yesterday we dropped a piece on the need to constrain Trump when it comes to Iran. You can read it here…

Note three: What’s your plan to vote? This ain’t the year to wait until the last minute. Has early voting started where you are? Have you already voted? Are you ready to kick some serious ass?

Note four: One of the things we love about Bolts Mag is how they dig into elections that we might not otherwise hear about. And these are damn important races. So take a look and see if any of them are happening near you. More: Bolts Mag

Note five: We were gonna share a clip of Talarico calling Ken Paxton to challenge him to a debate, but we just think it’s so smart to be calling out the stupidity of the Iran War from a gas station. Are we really gonna do this, Texas? Let’s fucking go!

Note six: Maria Elvira Salazar tried to stand up to Trump after rubber-stamping his whole cruel agenda. And now he’s putting her through hell. Oh well. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Axios has a report today that says Democrats don’t want to campaign with AOC. What a shitty fucking story. We hope the Democratic aides who like to call Democrat-hating reporters and bash their fellow Dems get crotch rot and their genitals fall off and get eaten by a badger.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note eight: We’d like to take a second to thank the brave American who called Trump a “fucking pedophile” at a golf tournament this weekend. This keeps happening, and the media keep ignoring it. Remember how many stories they did on “Let’s go Brandon?” More: Yahoo News

Note nine: A truly horrifying story of gang rape and getting away with gang rape has emerged at Cornell. The school’s administration failed to do their jobs and keep students safe. Thankfully, the student newspaper is calling them out. This is what a courageous news organization looks like. If only they could cover the White House. Brace yourself because this is a deeply upsetting story. More: Cornell Sun

Note 10: We promise we did not add a laugh track to this video of a Republican candidate giving the Iran War a thumbs up. The laughter is real.

Note 11: Right-wingers are trying to get the Capitol Hill pipe bomber freed. Because they are scumbags who love violence. More: NBC News

Note 12: LOL. They’re doing that tired caravan shit again. Trump must be super weak on immigration if this caravan of people think they can come here. Right? Isn’t that the way this works? More: Yahoo News

Note 13: Trump’s defense attorney/AG had a meltdown on the Sunday shows yesterday. This weasel thinks he gets to tell reporters which questions they can ask. It sucks that they probably agree. More: HuffPost

Note 14: SNL made fun of Natalie Harp this weekend. We hope she doesn’t have them killed. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Denmark is dunking on Trump. We are a little worried about what will happen if he sees this, but it brought us great joy…

Note 16: The New York Times ran yet another profile of Rahm Emanuel this weekend. It did not include the name “Laquan McDonald.” White political reporters might not give a shit what happened to that poor teenager, but Democratic voters will. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 17: The big social media companies are refusing to run ads for Alex Gibney’s new documentary about Elon Musk. The free speech assholes sure love censorship. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 18: The dumbest president in world history tried to sell arms to the Chinese. This motherfucker sure loves communist dictators. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re running out of days to play Earth, Wind and Fire so let’s shake our asses to this as much as we can for the next few days… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that groovin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend. Unless you’re John Fetterman. In that case, you can go eat a big bowl of shit. Love y’all!

What the Fuck?

We first mentioned these last week, but it is beyond insane that Trump is using our money to buy campaign ads that warn of a “final battle” between Americans. If you watched any football this weekend, then you probably saw the dark, black-and-white ad with Trump’s psycho stare and the tagline “paid for by the U.S. government.” The White House is claiming these are “public service” ads. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but we hope this shit backfires as more and more Americans see what a fascist fuck the president really is.

More: TIME

How Many More?

NBC broke the story this morning that eight more Marines were injured in Trump’s Iran War, and we weren’t told about it. Sadly, we can’t link to NBC because this is the kind of story they have decided to stick behind a paywall for some reason. Still, Americans should be demanding to know what the real casualty count is from Trump’s stupid fucking war and why he’s out going to football games and golf tournaments while our troops are dodging Iranian missiles. This kind of shit used to be considered pretty fucking scandalous.

More: Military.com

Begging

It turns out that the dude who approached Trump with tears in his eyes was Jake Tapper. Ok not really. Probably. But Jake did spend part of his Sunday show yesterday asking a Trump administration official to let CNN back in the White House pool after Trump refused to let them kiss his ass on the way to Tennessee for a football game. The rest of the television networks have decided to cave and resume coverage after a short and pointless boycott. We’ll find out if CNN is allowed back in the rotation later this week. Don’t cry, Jake. It’ll be ok.

More: The Guardian, New York Times

Today’s clips

VANDALIA, Ohio (AP) — President Donald Trump plans to visit Ohio on Saturday in support of Sen. Jon Husted as the Republican tries to fend off a competitive challenge from Democratic former Sen. Sherrod Brown. More: AP

GORHAM, Maine (AP) — For years, Planned Parenthood’s endorsement of Susan Collinswas enough to persuade Erin Evans to vote for Maine’s longtime U.S. senator, believing that the moderate Republican would protect abortion access.

Evans is now “just furious with myself” for those votes. The 56-year-old from Portland described Collins’ critical vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court, where President Donald Trump’s nominee eventually helped overturn the constitutional right to abortion, as a betrayal. More: AP

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — A Texas city council candidate was arrested Saturday morning on a misdemeanor charge for “riot participation” in connection with behavior authorities said they observed at a protest against the shooting of a Venezuelan man by a federal immigration officer. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — House Democrats are preparing a vast oversight agenda, with investigations of President Donald Trump, his family and his administration if the party sweeps control of the chamber from Republicans in the November elections. More: AP

Yet another conservative caller to SiriusXM’s “The Megyn Kelly Wrap-Up Show” has voiced her utter frustration with Donald Trump and his administration.

The 77-year-old woman, identified as Melanie from North Carolina, told host Emily Jashinsky she’s “always been very conservative” and had “never voted for a Democrat in my life.” More: HuffPost

White House deputy chief of staff Dan Scavino popped an artificial intelligence champagne bottle over the weekend, and social media users weren’t having it with the flex. More: HuffPost

Assembly Lyin’

Adam Parkhomenko — Fri, 25 Sep 2026 14:17:27 GMT

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s inviting Trump to tour its ballroom if you know what we mean.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it through another stupid and horrifying week in a country that would clearly try to fuck an electric fence if it had a weiner. We are in the freak-out zone where every word and utterance seems to have an outsized impact on the upcoming elections. People are voting, we’re all doing the work and Republicans are sucking butt. It’s a lot.

That’s why today we wanted to start by giving you a gift. We know how stressed you are, we know how hard you’re working and we know how important it is to you to be in this fight. That’s why it is our distinct pleasure to share with you the funniest fucking thing in the history of the world. Please enjoy The Humiliation of George Santos…

Looking good, George! We were already in one of those laugh attacks where we couldn’t breathe, and then that dumb sonofabitch fell back in the water and we totally peed ourselves. Prison would have been less embarrassing for that sack of shit.

And while that is hilarious and we will definitely watch it like 200 more times, it’s also a great metaphor for the Republican Party these days. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just funny to watch a corrupt asshole eat shit. Yeah, that’s it. We don’t have a message today. So we’re just gonna point and laugh at George Santos. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Instagram

Note two: How about some more therapy? Sweet! Let’s do a sesh at 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT. Sound good? Great. See you then.

Note three: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson is speaking out, and we are so here for it. It just sucks that she has to do this alone. More: Politico

Note four: It really sucks that nobody can afford hamburger or gas, but at least the Trump kids are having a blast with their communist friends. More: HuffPost

Note five: This motherfucker came to NYC yesterday and trashed the city’s mayor and his wife. We hate Bibi almost as much as he hates American voters. Let’s definitely give him more money and bombs.

Note six: We mentioned this story yesterday, but man it is beyond fucking batshit insane that the American people are paying for Trump’s creepy ads. More: HuffPost

Note seven: One of the people who was actually shot in Butler, Pa. died yesterday. We say actually shot because Trump was hit by glass. More: NBC News

Note eight: We’re at a place in the calendar where Democratic candidates are going to do and say shit that makes our fucking blood boil. If they win, it was worth it. If they don’t, well, then they have to live with shit like this. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We’re glad to see this story about Muslims in America pushing back against all the hate Republicans are sending their way. But let’s be honest. It ain’t just Republicans. More: AP

Note 10: This is not only really fucking funny, but it’s also why we have a real shot in Texas…

Note 11: Speaking of Texas, it is so wild to see Republicans panicking there. They just dropped $100 million to try and save Paxton’s scummy ass. More: Texas Tribune

Note 12: It took way too fucking long, but Crystal Mason is finally a free woman. If she had just attacked the Capitol or hung out on Epstein Island, she would have been cleared much sooner. More: The Guardian

Note 13: This is horrible and it should be getting way more attention. Can you imagine how it would have been covered if Obama or Biden had tried to throw a pregnant white congresswoman in prison just for doing her job?

Note 14: Pope Leo once again made Trump look like a dunce. Though to be fair, Trump doesn’t really need any help with that. More: HuffPost

Note 15: The great Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine has a new album out today. He described it as being filled with anti-nazi, anti-racist songs, so we are totally in. More: Louder Sound

Note 16: Trump was very angry that the press weren’t covering the massive blowjob he gave Xi. Did he just fucking forget that he kicked them out?! More: HuffPost

Note 17: THANK YOU to everyone who showed up to protest that gross dictator and his Chinese friend…

Note 18: The right-wing California sheriff who stole a bunch of ballots has been ordered to give them back. He was also ordered to fuck off and eat shit but that one came from us. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, it’s DOLLY DAY!!! We hope you do something wonderful for yourself or someone else today to keep the memory of the great Dolly Parton alive and well. We’re gonna go kidnap Dabney Coleman and keep him tied up with a leather dog collar on. Just kidding. Dabney’s dead too.

Note 20: And on that sweet but twisted note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best weekend. And if you’re having a hard time, just remember that it could be worse. You could be George Santos. Love y’all!

The GOP’s Iran War

Democrats forced another vote in the Senate yesterday to try and end the war in Iran. Republicans and John Fetterman voted to keep the war going. For all their bullshit talk about needing to bring the war to an end, Republicans made clear yesterday they will not do anything to limit Trump’s power or protect our troops. Side note: This was a close vote and if Sen. Angela Alsobrooks had been at work, she could have forced JD Vance to break the tie. We don’t know what has been going on with Senate Democrats, but man it sure is fucking demoralizing. We wish they all worked as hard as y’all do.

More: CNBC

Assembly Lyin’

That works best if you say it with Sam’s accent. For all the bullshit Abdul El-Sayed has had to endure simply because of his religion, it’s nice to finally see some press coverage about what a heinous anus Mike Rogers is. According to the UAW and a report in the Michigan Advance, Rogers appears to have lied when he claimed he built cars on a Michigan assembly line. The place he says he worked at didn’t assemble cars, the car he claimed to build didn’t exist yet and the UAW says he never joined up. This kind of shit is a big deal in Michigan, and we can’t wait to see Lyin’ Mike explain it.

More: Michigan Advance

One Big Club

Last night, Trump and his billionaire tech friends joined together to celebrate a ruthless dictator at the White House. When Trump wasn’t showing off his grotesque attacks on Biden, he was giving Xi a tour of the ballroom. Guess it’s not that big of a national security secret. Elon, Bezos and even Gavin Newsom’s boss David Ellison were there. The whole thing was really fucking gross and a powerful reminder that the rich and scummy are running this country right now, and they absolutely do not give a flying fuck about the rest of us.

More: The Guardian, The Hill

Today’s clips

The University of Mississippi said Thursday that undergraduate students from Colorado and Georgia died this week in cases that sparked renewed concerns about kratom. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is taking Chinese President Xi Jinpingto visit the National Archives on Friday, showing off the sacred texts of U.S. democracy to the leader of the world’s most powerful communist country to cap off a three-day state visit criticized for being heavy on pomp and light on substance. More: AP

It’s already been an intense hurricane season in the Pacific Ocean — and there’s still quite a ways to go. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — For decades, a key principle underpinned civil rights enforcement in American schools: Not all discrimination was intentional.

Even if a school policy was written without overt racial bias, it might unfairly hurt one group of students over another, the understanding went. The concept is known as systemic racism, and Republican and Democratic administrations agreed: Schools and universities that received federal funding had an obligation to address it.

Under President Donald Trump’s administration, that’s no longer the case. One by one, the administration has limited the remedies schools can use to address systemic racial injustice. More: AP

Lashing out at his country’s critics, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu angrily dismissed allegations of Israeli genocide in Gaza as “the biggest lie of the century” in a defiant speech to the U.N. General Assembly that asserted his nation’s right to wage war against Iran. Scores of delegates trooped out of the hall in protest. More: AP

New Jersey’s governor called on her hand-picked lieutenant governor to resign by Friday after a law firm hired by her office concluded he behaved inappropriately around women. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Irish rockers U2 will release their first full-length album of new material in nine years — the 12-track “Carnaval De Luz,” which will feature a song with Dolly Parton. More: AP