Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we are not the most superstitious people. While it’s true that Sam didn’t change his underwear once during the homestretch of the 2020 presidential race, that was more about hygiene and laziness than luck. Still, after watching the Knicks last night, we are coming around. What was their secret? Well, they had to cleanse and purify the air after it was all stanked up by a sleepy loser with orange boobies…

Whoa. This is like when Orban lost in Hungary. Someone is showing us a way out and that it can be done! To recap for our non-sports fans — the New York Knicks are in the NBA finals. It’s a best-of-seven series. The Knicks had been on an epic winning streak and were up 2-0. And then Donald Trump showed up and everything went to crap. And it looked like there was a curse in place from Trump’s stench as the Spurs led last night for three quarters. And then the sage started working, and the Knicks came back from 20 points down in the last quarter. It was the largest comeback in NBA history.

There’s a lesson there. We might be down, but we’re not out. We can beat back evil and cleanse this nation of his gross orange hue. We can and we will win again. Nothing is inevitable. We’re just gonna need a shitload of sage. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had a therapy session yesterday, and it was pretty darn fun. If you missed it, you can get caught up here.

Note three: The World Cup starts today, and we are excited despite our reservations and disgust. But the amazing Nancy Armour at USAToday said all the things better than we can, so here’s her column… More: USA Today

Note four: HUGE news today as a MSM outlet actually wrote about Elon Leon’s role in starting a pogrom in Belfast. Someone is gonna have to take this fucker on at some point. More: NBC News

Note five: CNN has put Daniel Dale on the side of a milk carton. Have you seen this man?

Note six: Think John Fetterman can’t get any worse? Well he’s now demanding dick pics from Graham Platner. No word on if he wants to see Ken Paxton naked too. More: WGAL

Note seven: We’re writing early today, so we don’t know what SCOTUS decisions will drop. But we’re sure they will be awful and help usher in the end of the United States. So that’s fun. More: NPR

Note eight: Y’all know we have mixed feelings about Graham Platner. But we have no mixed feelings about Susan Collins. She sucks. She sucks big hairy hog butt. And she voted for Brett Kavanaugh. More: NBC News

Note nine: So many pillars of democracy have either fallen or fallen to their knees to slurp orange ass. Thank goodness for grand juries, one of the few pillars to push back. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We have to ask — has Gretchen Whitmer always been like this and we just didn’t see it?

Note 11: Buckle up, everyone. El Nino is here. And the United States government has dismantled many of our defenses. Fucking idiots. More: AP

Note 12: Trump’s prosecutors are not going for the death penalty for the piece of shit who murdered Melissa Hortman, her husband and their dog. That’s fine. But we’ll be watching to see what kind of deal they give this motherfucker. More: AP

Note 13: Welp, they’re burning crosses again. Thanks, Trump.

Note 14: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have decided to publish their own vaccine recommendations. This is smart since the guy in charge now is snorting raccoon dicks off of toilet seats. More: AP

Note 15: Bill Gates testified about his buddy Epstein. Now Bill Gates should go sit in his shame closet for the rest of time. More: AP

Note 16: We still think Marjorie Greene is trash. Sorry, trash juice. But we’re glad she’s calling out the Epstein cover-up. It’s crazy there wasn’t a bigger to-do about yesterday’s NYT bombshell. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Just a reminder that Pete Hegseth is a war criminal and the United States is committing war crimes. Happy 250th, everybody!

Note 18: Nancy Nace is still a loser. She is coping with that fact by eating copious amounts of beans. So she’s a loser who is farting a lot. You stink, Nancy! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to Madison Square Garden, where we promise to stay awake. TPM’s Josh Marshall caught this quote from Knicks’ point guard Jalen Brunson and tied it to our current nightmare. We thought it was inspirational enough to share…

Note 20: And on that motivational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. And if some dumb orange sonofabitch has fucked it up for you, just get out the sage and Ben Stiller. Love y’all!

22 Doctors!

So Donald Trump is one sick fuck. That’s not us saying it. That’s his doctors. Ok fine. His doctors are telling us he’s totally healthy, so we know they’re fucking liars. Our question is why are there so many of them? According to the Washington Post, Trump was seen by 22 specialists on his last check-up, which came oddly close to the previous check-up. We assume this is about his syphilis or doctors are trying like hell to find a heart or a brain. But didn’t Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson spend like a year telling us the president’s health is the most important topic ever? Maybe 22 doctors could help those weasels find their spines.

More: The Independent

More War

It was a jarring morning as Trump put out a Truth Social post promising to invade Iran and followed it up by going on Fox News to rant like a psycho freak. Trump said he wants to send ground troops to take Kharg Island but he doesn’t think Americans “have the appetite” for it. Unfortunately for everyone, Fox host Ainsley Earhart disagreed as she clearly has a bloodlust that can’t be satisfied. The post and interview came after more missile strikes. We’ve been told for months now that a deal was coming, that we control the Strait of Hormuz and that Iran’s military has been destroyed. These were all lies. But we’re sure whatever comes next will be totally aboveboard.

More: NBC News

Trump Hearts Inflation

What’s the difference between Don Jr. and inflation? Trump loves inflation. But don’t take our word for it. Just watch this clip. And get ready to see it a lot this fall.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — A federal judge denied a request to temporarily halt the Trump administration’s proposed “anti-weaponization” fund but warned the Justice Department not to misrepresent the status of the $1.8 billion fund, which acting Attorney General Todd Blanche told Congress is not moving forward. More: NBC News

Brad Lander, New York’s former comptroller and a Congressional hopeful, appeared in court for a bench trial Wednesday in his September arrest while protesting conditions at an immigration holding facility. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — Defense industry leaders have been preparing to meet with President Donald Trump at the White House later this week in what is expected to be a contentious discussion as concerns grow over the U.S. supply of missiles, according to two people familiar with details of the meeting. More: NBC News

Damaging storms swept through the Midwest, knocking out power to hundreds of thousands of customers and causing more than a thousand flight delays or cancellations at Chicago airports with more potentially severe weather expected Thursday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The economic fallout from the Iran war — higher energy prices and increased uncertainty — will drag down global growth this year, the World Bank said Thursday. More: AP

President Donald Trump’s planned UFC fight on the White House’s South Lawn has required a monumental effort from more than seven federal agencies, hundreds of staff working onsite daily and at least $60 million, according to a legal filing that offers a glimpse into the preparations. More: AP

We love spending time with this incredible community. Your comments, questions, hot takes, and sense of humor give us energy every single day. Whether you were with us live or catching the replay later, we’re grateful you continue to show up, speak out, and make this such a fun and supportive space.

So don’t be shy in the comments section! Let us know what’s on your mind, what you agreed with, what you disagreed with, and what you’re keeping an eye on this week. Some of the best conversations happen after the show ends.

Thank you for being part of this community. We appreciate every one of you.

Love y’all,

Adam and Sam

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Note: Well hot damn, Sexy Patriots! Summer is just underway, but we have been feeling the heat! We don’t know if we’re just sharing some spicy takes or if we’re just being assholes (it has happened before), but it sure seems like people are on edge and ready to throw down these days. And we love that about you. It’s how we feel too. We just have to remind ourselves sometimes to be kind to each other and save our fury for the fuckheads.

And one good way for us all to unit is by making fun of Nancy Mace for being a HUGE FUCKING LOSER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Oh it’s so goddamn sweet, ain’t it? Nancy Mace, the rat from the expression “crazier than a shithouse rat,” came in fifth place in the South Carolina gubernatorial primary after Trump told her to get bent during the campaign. She’s still gonna probably spend time hanging out in bathrooms scaring people, but now she’ll be doing it as a private citizen. Yeah, there have been a lot of mean assholes to come through the GOP in the Trump years, and Mace has to be near the top of the list. In fact, we’re not even gonna gloat (except to say HAHAHAH, EAT SHIT, NANCY!!!) because we saw someone who deserved to enjoy this moment even more than us…

Well said, Sarah. Fuck off, eat shit and kiss our asses, Nancy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT? Awesome! We’ll see you there. We’ll be the guys doing all the cussing. Find us here on Substack or YouTube then!

Note three: Some really scary scenes out of Belfast, where Elon Leon Musk’s incendiary tweets led to a pogrom against immigrants. At some point, some nation is gonna have to get tough with the Super Nerd. Now would be a good time. More: The Guardian

Note four: Congrats to Democratic AG Aaron Ford on winning the gubernatorial nomination in Nevada. We’re feeling lucky now! More: The Hill

Note five: We really, really, really hope someone shows this to Trump…

Note six: Maggie Haberman and Jonathan Swan have a book coming out about Trump, and today they dropped an excerpt about how the White House was actually in a full panic over the Epstein files. Can you imagine what a scandal it would have been if any other president had used the Situation Room to strategize covering up a child rape scandal? More: New York Times

Note seven: Think CNN can’t suck anymore than they already do? Well just wait. More: NY Post

Note eight: Speaking of Epstein, Bill Gates is testifying today. Remember when we thought this guy was just a non-creepy nerd boy? Those were the good ol’ days. More: CNN

Note nine: Dean Cain is a loser and a piece of shit. If you don’t know who Dean Cain is, don’t worry because nobody else does either. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Maine voters made their decision last night…

Note 11: Lindsey Graham said earlier this year he wants to send South Carolina’s sons and daughters to the Middle East. Republicans there still voted for him. Freaks. More: NBC News

Note 12: That cage match bullshit isn’t just a national embarrassment; it’s also a grift. So just like everything else about Trump. More: NBC News

Note 13: We really didn’t want to show you this. Can you imagine if Obama had… oh fuck it.

Note 14: Republicans just gave ICE another $70 billion. We hope they make it last because we are shutting that shit down asap. More: AP

Note 15: We are grateful to every American who called out Trump’s gross efforts to get us all to snitch on the exhibits at national parks. Thanks for calling out this bullshit. More: AP

Note 16: Trump and Stephen A. Smith are fighting. If you like watching two idiots butt heads, then this is the slap fight for you. As far as we’re concerned, they can both fuck all the way off. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Looks like Trump just lost to Canada…

Note 18: One of the greatest athletes of all time is back on a tennis court, and we think that’s fucking awesome. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to shout out Hunter Biden. We’ve mentioned this a time or two, but Hunter is posting A LOT on twitter and when he’s not owning trolls, he’s talking in a very real way about addiction. It’s a damn heroic thing to do, and we appreciate it.

Note 20: And on that powerful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you are Nancy Mace. In which case, LOLOL!!! Love y’all!

BONUS: Hunter got us in a mood to listen to some Johnny Cash, so here’s Tennessee Stud…

More: YouTube

Califuckoff

Since another one of their reality tv assholes ate shit in an election, Republicans from Trump on down the line have been bitching and moaning about how California Democrats are stealing elections. If only! Unfortunately for the dumb and dishonest and Tom Steyer, Republican Steve Hilton advanced to the general election for governor in the state, proving yet again that Trump scumbags are fucking lying about election fraud. Spencer Pratt lost because he’s a loser and a con-artist and Angelenos aren’t stupid or self-destructive. Or at least not that self-destructive. Now we all need to make sure we get behind Xavier Becerra to make sure a Trumpy Republican from England isn’t the next governor of the Golden State.

More: NBC News

Trumpflation Spike

Well it turns out that Donald Trump didn’t lower prices on Day One. In fact, anyone who believed that would happen clearly has a buttcheek where their brain should be. But not only has Trump failed to lower prices, he and his stupid fucking war have made things worse. We found out this morning that inflation is up 4.2 percent year-over-year, which is the highest since 2023. Why? Because of the price of oil. Why? Well because the president of the United States is a spoiled rotten rich asshole who has never put gas in a car.

More: CNBC

Sigh

Speaking of Trump’s stupid war, it’s still going on. Yeah, despite his endless efforts to tell us a deal is coming any minute now, Trump is now back on his bullshit and threatening more bombing. There was reporting yesterday that Trump didn’t want to strike back after Iran took out a U.S. helicopter and had to be pressured to do so by Hegseth and Gen. Caine. The draft-dodger is stuck in a quagmire he created, and he’s grown bored with it. So yeah, this mess ain’t getting cleaned up anytime soon. Also, Trump should stop mentioning Allah in his Truth Social posts. Unless he wants to enlist to go fight a holy war.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Republican-turned-independent Rep. Kevin Kiley and former Democratic state Sen. Richard Pan advanced to the November election Tuesday in a Northern California congressional district while a progressive Democrat advanced to face Republican Rep. David Valadao in a Central Valley one.

The races set up significant tests of whether Democrats’ redraw of California’s House maps will pay off for the party. More: AP

Republican former Gov. Paul LePage is moving on to the general election in Maine’s 2nd District, NBC News projects, as the crowded Democratic field in one of the country’s most important battleground districts remains unresolved ahead of a ranked choice voting tabulation. More: NBC News

Billionaire climate activist Tom Steyer’s bid for governor of California is the second time he has spent more than nine figures in an unsuccessful attempt to win public office. More: NBC News

Spike Lee is predicting a “love fest” on the streets of the Big Apple if the New York Knicks win the NBA Finals — and he doesn’t want ICE anywhere near it. More: HuffPost

“60 Minutes” correspondent Lesley Stahl gave a telling toast over Champagne this week to colleagues at the CBS news show.

“My toast was, ‘to us,’ meaning the survivors,” Stahl told The New York Times on Tuesday. “Maybe ‘us’ with a twinge of survivor’s guilt.” More: HuffPost

A World Cup referee from Somalia who was denied entry to the United States was received by a crowd of supporters and officials Wednesday as he arrived in Somalia’s capital of Mogadishu, where he said he plans to be at the next World Cup and urged Somali youths to be proud of their country. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today there are people who hate Donald J. Trump more than you do. We know. Doesn’t seem possible, does it? But last night, Cankles McManboobies waddled into Madison Square Garden to put his personal loser stank all over the New York Knicks’ 13-game winning streak and holy shit what a jinx. THEY HADN’T LOST IN LIKE SIX FUCKING WEEKS AND THEN HE SHOWED UP! We are so sorry, New York. Y’all did not deserve this. But none of us does.

And it was clear from the jump that New Yorkers did not want Trump there. Despite lies from Trump and Fox News, you can clearly hear the response dipshit got from the sellout crowd who had to show up hours early for the game because of fuckhead’s security…

BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Delicious. It’s as if an entire city came together to declare in one voice “YOU FUCKING SUCK, ASSHOLE!” And we sure do appreciate it. Not only is that sonofabitch spending our money to go sleep at NBA finals games while our nation is at war, but he also royally fucked up one of the most exciting streaks in sports. It’s actually a pretty impressive feat. In fact, we’re so impressed by Trump’s ability to fuck things up just by being near them that we’ve come up with a new award just for him.

The Ted Cruz Shithead Jinx Award is only given to those despicable assholes who show up where no one wants them only to bring bad luck and shame upon the team they were rooting for. We believe this is the first award Trump has ever actually earned. We know just where he can keep it. Y’all have a blessed day. And hang in there, Knicks fans.

Note two: Speaking of Ted Cruz, guess who’s handing out lectures on masculinity. LOLOLOL!!! Irony has been murdered. Cruz’s dad probably pulled the trigger. More: HuffPost

Note three: Los Angeles made it official last night. Nityha Raman is moving on and Spencer Pratt can fuck off. Thank you, City of Angels! More: NBC News

Note four: Trump and Hegseth lost a helicopter near the Strait of Hormuz. We assume the president was wide awake and hard at work when it happened. Or he was in a coma at a basketball game. More: NBC News

Note five: White House reporters have a system where one reporter from each medium will report back to the rest of the White House press. After all, you can’t fit that many reporters on Air Force One. We thought y’all might enjoy seeing the pool report from last night. It’s a keeper.

Note six: DO NOT drink raw milk. And stay far the fuck away from this creep. This motherfucker admits he’s putting children in the hospital and he doesn’t care. It’s really gonna suck when he’s our next HHS secretary. More: ProPublica

Note seven: It’s Tuesday so people are voting. If they’re voting near you, you should join them. And remember not to vote for any assholes. More: Bolts Mag

Note eight: Tim Walz had a chance to destroy JD Vance. He didn’t take it. Now JD is fucking Walz like he’s a couch. And the national news media continues to believe that the George Santos party gives a shit about fraud. More: NBC News

Note nine: Ok this is pretty hilarious. Texas Republicans are so desperate to smear Talarcio that they’re now acting like it’s a scandal that he dated someone. If only he’d cheated on his wife, then he’d be a saint like Ken Paxton, right? More: Texas Scorecard

Note 10: The only two things we’ve ever had in common with Trump is that we both hate Don Jr. and Stephen A. Smith. Of course we don’t hate Stephen for racist reasons like the president does…

Note 11: Back to Texas for a moment — Ken Paxton is so odious that even his impeachment lawyer is backing Talarico. Now James just needs the endorsement of Paxton’s ex-wife. More: AP

Note 12: Trump wasn’t the only asshole politician at the game last night. Rahm Emanuel was too. He was sitting courtside with rich scumbags. And yet the mainstream media think Democrats might vote for this man for president. That’s how out-of-touch these freaks really are. More: AP

Note 13: RIP to the great historian Gordon Wood. He will forever be remembered for his important works and the time Will Hunting talked about him in that Harvard bar. More: AP

Note 14: Anna Faris tried to sneak a Melania joke into the new Scary Movie and that is one of many reasons why we love Anna Faris. More: HuffPost

Note 15: The Speaker of the House is lying about American elections and admitting he has zero proof. Shouldn’t that be a scandal?

Note 16: The Atlantic has an important story today (we never say that) about this nation’s ongoing betrayal of Black members of the military. We sure hope Hegseth has to face up to this shit someday. More: The Atlantic

Note 17: Bill Maher is happy Scott Pelley got fired. Just in case there were any doubts about what a loser-ass bitch Bill Maher is. Maybe Pelley will let Bill hold one of his Emmys. More: The Hill

Note 18: We’re sorry to report that your Democratic senators are selling you out again. Last week, John Fetterman returned a “blue slip” to approve and endorse a Trump judicial nomination. This week, Michigan Sens. Gary Peters and Elissa Slotkin did the same. With friends like these, who the fuck needs Republicans? More: Bloomberg Law, USA Today

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Delaney Hall in New Jersey. Why would the Happy Ending come from an American concentration camp? Because living angel Ms. Rachel paid the kids there a visit yesterday and we think that’s amazing…

Note 20: And on that heartwarming yet gut wrenching note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and some fucking asshole didn’t come along and screw up your winning streak. Because what kind of selfish prick would do such a thing? Love y’all!

Just Two More Weeks

It seems like every goddamn day we wake up and see Axios is reporting that Trump is close to a deal with Iran. And every goddamn day that turns out to be a lie. So how many times has this actually happened? Well fortunately, Aaron Blake at CNN was kind enough to add it up for us. And according to Blake, Trump has told the American people that a deal is coming 38 TIMES. Jesus. That’s more than the number of times he’s met Barron! Maybe Axios should try getting confirmation before reporting bullshit and lying to their readers.

More: CNN

(White) World Cup

The easiest thing in the world to predict was Trump fucking up the Knicks’ streak. The second easiest thing to predict is that he will fuck up the World Cup. And he already is. Award-winning referee Omar Artan has been banned from entering the United States to achieve his dream of refereeing the World Cup. Why? Because he’s from Somalia and the president of the United States is a racist piece of shit. If you think you can’t be anymore ashamed, just wait. The Iranian team touched down in Mexico this week — because they couldn’t stay in the U.S. — and when they did they were wearing pins to honor all those little girls Trump murdered. So yeah, if this thing is supposed to show off America’s greatness, then it has already failed.

More: ESPN, ABC7 NY

Run, Nazi, Run!

Greg Bovino is an endless source of comedy. It’s true that he’s a vicious little nazi shit who has been joining forces with other nazi shits in Europe. But he also refers to himself as “the commander” and talks about deporting 100 million people. You can see why he was too much of a nazi for even Trump’s nazi ass. But the best part is that little Greggy seems to think he has enough support to run for president. And we totally think he should do it. Let’s take off the hood once and for all and show the world who Republicans really are — tiny little anger freaks who want to kill everyone who isn’t white. So yeah, go for it, little fella.

More: News Nation

Today’s clips

U.S. airlines spent more than $6 billion on jet fuel in April, up 78% from a year earlier despite using slightly less fuel, government data released Monday showed. Meanwhile, the airline industry’s top global trade group warned that soaring energy costs could nearly halve profits in 2026. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — House Republicans will look to get nearly $70 billion for immigration enforcement over the finish line Tuesday, enough to fund a pair of Homeland Security agencies through the next three years and the rest of President Donald Trump’s time in office. More: AP

Severe weather moving across parts of the country over the next few days will bring destructive hail and damaging winds to more than 30 million people from the central Plains to the northern Great Lakes and strong storms for the mid-Atlantic and the Northeast. More: NBC News

An election denier who tried to overturn Donald Trump’s 2020 election loss is facing scrutiny over his new role in the Justice Department as part of a team investigating the president’s foes. More: NBC News

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) led the fast break in mocking President Donald Trumpfor apparently napping again ― this time during one of the most exciting sporting events to hit New York City in a while. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s been a crazy few days since we last saw you. The U.S. switched sides on the Normandy invasion, the Pentagon said Mormons aren’t a real religion and the Middle East is still very much in flames. But the thing we can’t get past is that we’ve also managed to royally piss off Albania by having Javanka try to buy an island where Jared can be free to run through the wild wearing nothing but a speedo and nipple clamps as god intended…

Oh hell yes! Get their asses, Albania! As Professor Kevin Kruse pointed out last week, it’s really not great that so many different nations now have personal reasons to despise the United States of America. Like did we have beef with Albania before this? We didn’t think so. And now they fucking hate us because they think we’re cool with these corrupt freaks buying up their land. So if you’ll allow us, we think we have a solution.

We found the perfect island for Jared and Ivanka to buy, where they can build hotels and be awful all the livelong day. It’s called Fuck Off and Eat Shit Island. Beautiful name, don’t you think? We’re not sure what it means, but the locals tell us it’s perfect for the vapid vampire couple. Or they can just go straight to hell. We’re good either way. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: NEW YORK! TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT! IF YOU WANT THE KNICKS TO STAY IN THE FAVOR OF THE GODS, YOU MUST BOO THE ORANGE FUCKHEAD! More: HuffPost

Note three: And while we’re talking sports, the World Cup gets underway this week and we are damn eager to see how Trump fucks it up. We’re also pretty excited to watch the games and root for the U.S. because this shit is fun even with an asshole as president. More: BBC

Note four: We wish we were kidding about Pete Hegseth switching sides at Normandy. But it was a total goddamn disgrace and it really happened. What an enormous piece of shit. More: The Guardian

Note five: We’ll talk about it more in the news section, but Trump completely lost his shit on Meet the Press yesterday. This bit really jumped out at us…

Note six: It was a really embarrassing Sunday for Trump (and America) as Trump insisted he would stop Israel from retaliating after an Iranian missile launch and then Israel launched missiles anyway. So yeah, shit is going great over there. It’s almost like all these world leaders aren’t on Truth Social. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Hey so we learned our lesson last week and we’re not saying another fucking word about the Maine Senate race. We wish the good people of Maine good luck with their decision.

Note eight: This one is pretty hilarious. Pete Hegseth decided that the Pentagon was recognizing too many gosh darn religions so he got rid of some of them. Including Mormonism. And Sen. Mike Lee is not taking it well. Guess this is what happens when you hang out with bigoted scum. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: Did you march in a Pride parade this weekend? If so, we know you looked amazing and we hope you had a fucking blast. But we know you did because it’s a Pride parade! More: FOX LA

Note 10: The sexist trolls at Fox News are now coming for Lauren Boebert. We still think she sucks butt but we approve of her response…

Note 11: Gwyneth Paltrow says she’s a centrist who doesn’t really feel anything right now. Whatever you say, rich white lady. Maybe Gwyneth should go goop herself. More: The Independent

Note 12: The Obamas are taking the high road again. After Trump trashed the real president’s new library with some AI slop, the classy people invited orange assface to come take a tour. He declined because his cankles are acting up. More: The Independent

Note 13: Bob Packwood died. If you know who that is, make sure you’re up to date on your colonoscopies. Sorry. We thought of that dude and our minds immediately went to assholes. More: OPB.org

Note 14: We had to double-check this was real. A Trump lawyer told a judge last week that Trump can bulldoze the Statue of Liberty if he wants to. So there goes the Statue of Liberty. She will be missed. More: Politico

Note 15: Call us crazy, but this should have been much, much bigger news…

Note 16: It really does suck for Knicks fans that Trump is fucking up their big moment and making it all about himself. No wonder that city hates him so much. Btw, it’s going to be hilarious if the Knicks’ win streak ends the night Trump shows up. Just sayin’. More: NBC News

Note 17: You know how we all hate JD Vance? Well England does too. Just like a salesman at Ashley’s Furniture. More: HuffPost

Note 18: And if all that news didn’t have you pouring cough syrup in your coffee, here’s the latest on the flesh-eating screwworm. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the Tony Awards. Rosie O’Donnell is back. She’s looking fabulous and firing away at her old orange nemesis. Get his ass, Rosie. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that throwback note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend. Unless you pissed off our Albanian friends. In which case you can fuck all the way off. Love y’all!

Scott Spills

Scott Pelley sat down for an interview this weekend with the New York Times and holy shit the stuff he revealed should be the end of CBSNews. According to Pelley, Bari Weiss was repeatedly intervening to make news stories more friendly to Trump. When Renee Good and Alex Pretti were killed, Weiss wanted the stories to show more aggression from the protesters. Given everything Scott is saying, we really don’t get how the remaining 60 Minutes correspondents can stay there. Unless they just really don’t give a shit about their reputations.

More: USA Today

We Love L.A.!

Phew. The City of Angels had us a little worried for a moment. And then sanity came through. Yesterday, Councilwoman Nithya Raman surpassed shithead Spencer Pratt to take second place in the mayoral race. If these numbers hold — and they will — Raman will take on incumbent Mayor Karen Bass in the fall. But because Pratt is MAGA garbage, the right is in a full-on meltdown over his loss. They have no idea how L.A. counts votes, so they’ve decided it must be a conspiracy. It has never occurred to them that this blue city doesn’t want to be ruled by a red douchebag.

More: NBC Los Angeles

Meet the Pressasdfaefewflnln

If it’s Sunday, oh look the president of the United States just blew a gasket and ruined some nice suit pants! A bloated and angry Trump sat down with Kristen Welker this weekend for an interview and it didn’t go great. Pressed on his election lies in like the first time in fucking forever, Trump got mad, turned red, stepped on NBC’s mic and lumbered out of the interview. It was the first time in a long time he was actually kinda, sorta challenged in an interview and he did not take it well. Unfortunately, NBC and Welker seemed embarrassed that they did their jobs and followed up the good questions with groveling. Trump is weak and getting weaker. Smart reporters would seize this moment. At least until their corporate overlords fire them.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

President Donald Trump has pardoned Stephen Buyer, a former Republican congressman from Indiana who served nearly two years in prison for making illegal stock trades based on inside information after he left office. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon is increasingly concerned about Israel ramping up its spying on the U.S., recently raising the counterintelligence threat level from America’s top ally in the Middle East to the highest level, according to two U.S. officials and one former U.S. official. More: NBC News

Former Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra has advanced to the general election in the California governor’s race, NBC News projects. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — Dozens of mayors and other city leaders gathered in the ballroom of a Washington hotel on a snowy January morning this year gripped by anger and anxiety about the federal government’s increasingly aggressive immigration enforcement operation that included the killings of two U.S. citizens in Minneapolis.

And then FIFA President Gianni Infantino took the stage. More: AP

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Rob Sand rallied a crowd for the first time as the official Democratic nominee for Iowa governor on Sunday, kicking off a countdown to November with the support of Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth cut nine Navy officers, including all the women, from a promotion list, several female officers say they see the unusual intervention as a sign that their careers now have a ceiling and worry for the future generation of female military leaders. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — A federal lawsuit seeks to halt the upcoming UFC fight card on the White House South Lawn in a mixed martial arts show timed for President Donald Trump’s 80th birthday and part of the celebration of the nation’s 250th anniversary. More: HuffPost

We just wanted to remind you how grateful we are for this incredible community. Every week, more Sexy Patriots join us, but what makes this space so special is all of you who continue to show up, speak out, support one another, reconnect with old friends, and make new friends in the comments. Watching this community grow while keeping that sense of connection and kindness means the world to us.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being part of this journey with us. Take care of yourself. Do something for you. You earned it.

We love y’all and hope you have a safe, relaxing, and wonderful weekend!

Adam and Sam

you can find the comments from the live by clicking here!

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Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it to the weekend and you didn’t even have a ballroom to protect you. We’re so proud. You know who else is proud right now? New Yorkers. Yeah, they are strutting even more than usual. The Game One success of the Knicks has that town flying high. So naturally, cankles is gonna try and fuck it up…

Ok, New York, we need to talk. We would never be so bold or presumptuous as to tell you what to do, ask for a favor or even look you in the eye while walking on a busy street. But on behalf of all humanity, we’re gonna need you to boo this dumb orange motherfucker to hell and back. We are hardcore opposed to violence, so please don’t throw any rotten fruit or glass bottles at him. But boo. Boo like your life depends on it. Boo until his purple hands explode. Boo until he cries and that hideous makeup runs the whole mile down his goddamn tie.

Our concern is that ticket prices are so high that only rich assholes who actually like Trump are gonna get in. But we feel like we can count on Gotham to come through and make that sorry sonofabitch come face-to-face with just how much he’s hated. And if New York doesn’t boo? Well, Go Spurs. LOL. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about a bonus therapy session today? Yeah, we need it too. How does 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT sound? Great! We’ll see you then.

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Note three: We fucked up yesterday. We saw your comments about calling out Katie Porter instead of all the dude Democrats who should have dropped out too. We heard you, and we’re sorry. And to be clear, this one is on Sam; not Adam.

Note four: We got a good jobs report today, which makes no fucking sense with an asshole wrecking everything and driving gas prices higher. Should we start screaming that it’s rigged? More: CNBC

Note five: The director of the FBI says it’s someone else’s fault that he never found Nancy Guthrie. Was that someone Jim Beam? This is one of those things that would have been a massive scandal for Biden, but with Trump the MSM just don’t seem to give a shit.

Note six: The House is standing with Ukraine even if the White House is standing with Putin. More: NBC News

Note seven: And Zelensky is trying again for peace even though Putin is the one who desperately needs a way out. Sound familiar? More: NBC News

Note eight: John Bolton is going to plead guilty. We don’t like this dude, but man this is fucked up. More: NBC News

Note nine: With his corrupt pardons, Donald Trump has put a lot of dangerous criminals back on the streets. One of them is George Santos. More: NPR

Note 10: Well goddamn. This is how you freaking do it…

Note 11: Poor Vanilla Ice. That man is desperate for work. So when Trump announced yesterday that he’s going to have a rally with Lee fucking Greenwood instead of doing that thing that even Milli Vanilli wouldn’t attend, Ice tried to get in on it. More: The Hill

Note 12: So we are HUGE fans of the band the Black Crowes, going back to Shake Your Money Maker and that stunning cover of Amorica. And we’ve got their backs after they trashed their concert-goers for chanting U-S-A. Here’s the story. And a link to She Talks to Angels. More: HuffPost, YouTube

Note 13: We’ve taken some shit for not talking more about the Stanley Cup. But Sam actually watched that amazing overtime last night so he didn’t sound as dumb as this sonofabitch…

Note 14: California is still counting votes. The big one we’re all watching is the L.A. mayoral race where Nithya Raman still might lock out Spencer Pratt. Wouldn’t that be nice? More: AP, LAist

Note 15: Of all the people the MyPillow losers shouldn’t try to fuck with, Nancy Pelosi has to be near the top of the list. More: HuffPost

Note 16: We selfishly want Leslie Stahl to publicly call Bari Weiss trash and walk. But that ain’t our call and she sure as shit doesn’t need our advice on this or anything else. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but it does look like America is starting to heal…

Note 18: Holy freaking shitballs! Taylor Swift just dropped a new song for Toy Story 5. Let us know what you think. Unless it’s negative because we will not hear any Tay Tay slander. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, the statues of Saddam are coming down. Ok it’s not quite that but workers are starting to remove all traces of Trump’s name off the Kennedy Center. We couldn’t find any videos that would make us all really aroused, but we’re enjoying the story nonetheless. More: Fox5 DC

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And if you’re going to the Knicks game on Sunday, you know what to do. Love y’all!

Fuck this

So we stay out of primaries. But we’re thinking about making an exception in Maine. Yesterday the New York Times reported from ex-girlfriends of Senate candidate Graham Platner, one of whom said he physically abused her. We’re not gonna tell the people of Maine what to do. But we’re not gonna stand with this guy either. We pride ourselves on being better than Trump scum. It’s not hard to do. All you have to do is not stand with guys who abuse women or get nazi tattoos. We’ve tried like hell to give this guy a chance because we all want Susan Collins gone. But how the fuck are any of us supposed to defend this shit? We know that Trump is worse, but surely that’s not our bar. This whole thing is just gross and sucky.

More: NBC News

While you were sleeping

Senate Republicans rammed through more money for Trump’s secret police and they defeated amendments that would have stopped his slush fund for child molesters and terrorists. Seriously. The whole fucking Republican caucus, minus Lisa Murkowski, voted for this heinous shit. Again — they literally voted to give our money to the scum who attacked our Capitol. They also voted to give another $70 billion to the thugs at CBP because that’s just what those lawless dirtbags needed. If we can’t make Republicans eat shit for this vote, then we should all just give up on politics.

More: NBC News

The 100-day mark

That subhed has two meanings. As CNBC’s Carl Quintanilla pointed out this morning, Sunday will mark 100 days since Trump started an idiotic war in Iran to distract from the Epstein files. Since then, we have heard countless explanations for why Trump started the war and we’ve all listened to him talk about his decorating plans while the cost of gas skyrocketed. We lost 13 soldiers, and we don’t think the true scope of damage to our bases in the Middle East has really been reported. The Strait of Hormuz is under Iranian control, their nuclear program remains and the world knows America has a limp dick. But other than that, things are going great.

More: ABC News

Today’s clips

NEW YORK — A New Jersey police sergeant has been charged with stealing $10,000 worth of cameras and other equipment from a photojournalist who had been injured covering tense protests outside a Newark immigration jail. More: NBC News

Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker on Friday plans to temporarily halt offering tax breaks to data centers that apply to build in the state and intends to call on lawmakers and other groups to hash out a framework in the fall veto session for how the centers should be developed. More: NBC News

Police have arrested the son of actor James Handy’s girlfriend in his death after he was found stabbed in the chest in Los Angeles, law enforcement said Thursday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The last time Washington, D.C., residents chose a new delegate to Congress and a new mayor in the same election, gas was $1.33 a gallon and George H.W. Bush was president.

This fall they will do it again — under starkly different circumstances. More: AP

RENO, Nev. (AP) — Nevada’s only Republican congressional seat is open for the first time in 15 years, and the primary is testing Republican voters’ appetite for a veteran politician or a newcomer with President Donald Trump’s backing. More: AP

Whatever meager shred of legitimacy the U.S. Supreme Court had went up in flames with its shadow docket decision on Tuesday allowing Alabama to move forward with a racially discriminatory congressional map with no time for election administrators to prepare. More: HuffPost

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Ready for something different today? Y’all know that we stay out of primaries. We figure it’s the smart thing to do since we don’t like pissing off our friends and we figure people should make up their own minds about who will be their champions. But today we are making an exception. It’s not really a primary, but we are ready to make an endorsement… We are officially backing Hunter Biden over Jake Tapper…

Get his ass, Hunter!!! Yeah, while Trump attacks Jake’s colleagues and fucks up everything that isn’t nailed to the floor, Hunter Biden has been calling Jake’s bitch ass out. And we are here for every last second of it. The current president has rotting plums for hands and eyes that are about to slide off his face and hit the floor, and Tapper is still talking about Joe fucking Biden. So we came up with an idea. Tapper vs. Hunter Biden in Trump’s stupid goddamn fighting cage. We can call it “Crack vs. Hack.” Ok fine we’ll keep workshopping the name.

And when it’s over, Jake can write a book called “I Got My Ass Whooped By Hunter Biden Who is the Most Handsome and Smart Boy in the World.” Because at this point it’s obvious his cowardly ass is never gonna write one about the decomposing dipshit we’ve got in the White House now. So yeah, fuck him up, Hunter. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did y’all miss therapy yesterday? We’re gonna do another one tomorrow, but you can get caught up here. Stay until the end to hear Sam’s super embarrassing hockey story. You can find the comments from the live here!

Note three: Speaking of hockey, we’re sorry to the Sexy Patriots who wish we’d talk more about the Stanley Cup. We just don’t follow pro hockey that closely. But that might change now that Trump wants to get his loser stank all over the NBA. Seems like he’d be worried about being confused for the ball. More: USA Today

Note four: Despite fuckhead’s intrusion, Knicks fans are big happy today. And we’re happy for them. Is there anything Mamdani can’t do? More: ESPN

Note five: It’s a helluva thing to watch this and then see that one of CNN’s biggest anchors is more obsessed with Jill Biden…

Note six: As predicted by pretty much everyone, Trump is now screaming that fraud is happening in California’s elections. Everyone saw this coming. So maybe California should find a way to speed this shit up. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We are still waiting for results in the Golden State, but we’d like to once again thank the selfish, delusional Democrats who stayed in the gubernatorial race, splitting up the vote and possibly helping a Trump Republican advance. We’re looking at you, Katie Porter. More: KTLA, KTLA

Note eight: Today’s headline is brought to you by the latest sign of the apocalypse — screwworms. Yeah, it’s another plague that is gonna wreak havoc while Trump plays golf. We can only assume that right now the HHS Secretary is hard at work trying to figure out how to have sex with these things. More: NBC News

Note nine: You know what we have in common with Albanians? We both hate Jared Kushner. More: The Guardian

Note 10: This gives us joy. Because it must be really freaking out the chodes…

Note 11: Trump wants his defense attorney to be the full-time AG. All we can say is Senate Democrats better bring their fucking A-games. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Two children were killed in Gaza last night. And they’re still calling this bullshit a ceasefire. More: NBC News

Note 13: So look, we all hate Trump flags. But you shouldn’t murder people who hang them outside their homes. Try disapproving looks instead! More: NBC News

Note 14: We found some election fraud! Yeah, Tommy Turbeville is voting in Florida while running to be governor of Alabama. We don’t know if it’s a crime, but he’s definitely a fraud. And just a piece of shit in general. More: AL.com

Note 15: Thank you to Ted Lieu for making clear yesterday that Trump can’t stay awake and Marco Rubio is a lying shitstain…

Note 16: Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, whose grandfather was a literal nazi soldier, got caught lying about being assaulted yesterday by a tiny little Code Pink activist. Shame on you, Lying Luna! More: TMZ

Note 17: If you’re a hoops fan like us and you want to lose hours of your day, check this out 82-0.com. You should be warned though that this is basically the new crack.

Note 18: Tony Dickface honored Scott Pelley last night. We’re sure Pelley appreciated that fake niceness from Bari Weiss’s top ass-kisser. Eat shit, Tony. More: Variety

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Chicago. Excitement is building around the opening of the Obama Presidential Library and we thought this part was especially cool…

Note 20: And on that not-so-scandalous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. Unless you’re Jake Tapper, in which case you can fuck all the way off and then go fuck yourself. Love y’all!

Flush the Slush

Todd Blanche went before Congress this week and said Trump’s slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles is dead. Then yesterday Trump made clear he’s still trying to give them our money. Thanks to questioning from Kaitlin Collins, we know that Trump still wants to pay off his dirtbag friends with our money despite claims from the administration that they were letting it go. Keep the heat up because this is fucking bullshit.

More: MS Now, New Republic

Well done!

It has taken four tries and it still has miles to go, but a measure to limit Trump’s war powers finally passed the House yesterday, and Trump is really pissed off about it. Four Republicans joined our people, and Trump spent last night attacking them on twitter. But this is basis civics shit. We’ve always known that only Congress has the power to declare war. But thanks to the war on terror, politicians decided that the vote to go into Iraq was all they needed to wage perpetual war. Congress needs to take that power back. Especially from this deranged asshole.

More: HuffPost

O-H!

We’ve been so focused on Texas and Iowa that we haven’t been giving enough love to a big Senate race in Ohio. Sherrod Brown, one of the best damn senators we’ve ever had, is attempting a comeback against one of Trump’s d-bags. And in the governor’s race, Amy Acton is trying to stop Vivek Ramaswamy from ruining the Buckeye State. Now we’ve been burned in Ohio before so color us skeptical, but we’re putting this in the news section because a new Fox News poll really got our attention. While the poll shows Acton and Vivek tied (Acton 50; Vivek 49), it shows Sherrod leading Husted 53-45. EYES EMOJI!!! So if you’re still looking for a Senate candidate to support, you might consider ol’ Sherrod.

More: Fox News

Today’s clips

A Department of Homeland Security watchdog report revealed that staff members at an ICE detention center in Louisiana used a prohibited chokehold to “gain control” of a person being held there and stabbed another in the hand with a pen when an officer could not close the door to a housing unit. More: NBC News

The leader of the Iran-backed Hezbollah militant group has rejected the latest ceasefire agreement reached between Israel and the Lebanese government, demanding a complete Israeli withdrawal. More: NBC News

Years after handing redistricting power over to an independent commission, New York Democrats want it back as they join the national map-drawing battle with an eye on the 2028 election. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Republican-led Senate is moving forward with legislation to fund immigration enforcement agencies after forcing the Trump administration to say it will drop its settlement fund for political allies and stripping a separate proposal for White House security from the bill. More: AP

Now, eight years after President Donald Trump’s forcible border separations came to an official halt following global outrage, an Associated Press investigation has found that the government has re-separated dozens of children from their families, despite a landmark legal settlement meant to keep them together. Some of their parents have been locked in immigration detention facilities for months, others deported back to their home countries after being taken from their families once again. In some cases, immigration officials conducting interior arrests deported people despite discovering they were legally off limits for removal, according to emails obtained by AP. More: AP

Ohio political blogger D.J. Byrnes, a.k.a. “The Rooster,” was arrested Monday after he allegedly sent a photo of Shrek’s penis to a state senator last month. More: HuffPost

Thank you to everyone who joined us for the Wednesday Therapy Session, and to those of you who will be catching the replay later. We never take this community for granted. Every live, every comment, every laugh, every rant, and every moment we spend together reminds us why we started this journey in the first place.

The truth is, the world feels like it’s on fire. The news never stops, the chaos never seems to take a day off, and there are plenty of people rooting for exhaustion and apathy to win. But then we log on and see all of you showing up, supporting one another, sharing your stories, and proving that hope, humor, and community are still alive and well.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for being here. Thank you for caring. Thank you for fighting the good fight while still finding time to laugh with us along the way.

We love this community, and we’re grateful every single day to be in it with you.

Love y’all,

Adam and Sam

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Note: Phew, Sexy Patriots. It has been a helluva 24 hours since we last laid eyes on your sexy and patriotic asses. The Supreme Court went full klan, Los Angeles is scaring the shit out of us and some billionaires set Scott Pelley on fire. If we were drinkers, we’d be drinking right now. Because this model airplane glue does not go great with coffee. We thought y’all might be feeling similar despair so we thought we’d show you what it looks like when you’re party fights back…

Hell fucking yeah. That’s how you fucking do it! Thank you to Rep. Madeleine Dean for keeping her eye on the ball and reminding the world that Donald Trump and his AG are covering up a child rape scandal of which Trump was a part. Thank you for remembering the survivors who are still waiting on justice. And thank you for fucking up that smug sleazebag Todd Blanche. We’re sure Todd had to comfort himself last night by drinking a gallon of warm Trump breast milk and then jerking off to pictures of Don Jr. Because that’s what a good Attorney General does.

It’s becoming more and more clear by the minute that the deck is stacked against us — and truth and justice — big time. So we need clear, fearless communicators who are willing to go right at these forces of darkness without hesitation or endless throat-clearing. Madeleine Dean has stepped up. Who will be next? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ok who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. Especially after that thing about Blanche and Junior. How about 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then here on Substack or by clicking here for YouTube!

Note three: Congratulations to Mayor Karen Bass for advancing to the mayoral run-off. But also, we are super disturbed that Spencer Pratt is doing as well as he is. The AP hasn’t yet called the second slot between Pratt and Raman, but what the effing fuck, LA?! More: AP

Note four: The NBA finals start tonight. Thank goodness for big distractions during the apocalypse. Who y’all got winning?

Note five: Here is the president of the United States saying it’s a good thing that everyone is confused about what he’s doing in Iran. How the effing fuck are we still talking about Biden’s health?

Note six: Rep. Andy Ogles, also known as the Tennessee Santos, said yesterday that “homosexuality has no place in America.” Then even his own party called him scum, so he deleted it and blamed it on a staffer. Andy is a goddamn bigot and a liar. More: NBC News

Note seven: Speaking of Santos, you’ll never guess who is being investigated again. If only the Republican Party wasn’t so weak on crime. More: AP

Note eight: It’s looking like Trump’s backed candidate is advancing in the California gubernatorial race. Congrats to all the selfish and delusional Democrats who stayed in the race and split the vote. We won’t forget. More: ABC7

Note nine: Trump said he might leave the cage from his upcoming UFC fight at the White House permanently. So yeah, his brain is fucking oatmeal. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We think very little of the White House press corps these days, but this was well done…

Note 11: Tom Kean is the Republican member of Congress who has just disappeared. Republicans still nominated him for reelection. So get to know and support Rebecca Bennett, who probably won’t vanish off the face of the earth if elected. More: NBC News

Note 12: We know everyone is excited about Texas, but we’ve got a chance to do some big shit in Iowa. Take a look and consider getting involved. More: Politico

Note 13: Iran and the U.S. are shooting at each other. And the press is still calling it a ceasefire. So yeah, everything is fucking stupid. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Hey New Mexico! Deb Haaland needs to be your next governor. She’s gonna be amazing. More: NBC News

Note 15: AI is a great way to find out which guys used to stuff socks down their pants…

Note 16: Ukraine hit Putin’s hometown. LOL! We’re sure Trump is pissed, but we fucking love it. More: NBC News

Note 17: We’re gonna talk about Scott Pelley in a second. But first we want to invite his colleagues who are going ahead with another White House correspondents dinner to eat shit. We assume it will be on the menu. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Graham Platner met with Democratic senators yesterday. It might be the dirtiest thing he’s done yet. We’re just kidding. But man we’re glad we don’t live in Maine. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re celebrating Pride Month by showing you this sexy beast. The word you’re looking for is “fierce.”

Note 20: And on that proud note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. And thanks for not being in the Epstein files. We really appreciate that about you. Love y’all!

Jim Crow SCOTUS

If anyone still had any doubts about just how racist this Supreme Court is, they were laid to rest last night when the nation’s highest court said that Alabama can use racist congressional maps. Yeah, in an unsigned order — because they are cowards like all racists — the majority threw out all of its rules and said that Alabama is free to use maps that were found to intentionally limit the voting power of Black voters. In doing so, the court has unleashed chaos in an election while also getting rid of a Black member of Congress. If you’re thinking about running for president in 2028, you better have a plan for what to do about this court.

More: USA Today

Goddamnit, Todd

Trump says he wants his personal attorney, Todd Blanche, to be the permanent Attorney General. We would really enjoy those confirmation hearings. Because Blanche went on Capitol Hill yesterday and made it clear he is slime. While Blanche said that Trump is backing off the slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles, he refused to put it in writing and said that Trump’s immunity from the IRS would go on. So basically, they’re still going ahead with this corrupt shit since they already got the headlines they wanted. Just a reminder — the AG is supposed to be our lawyer; not the president’s.

More: CNBC, HuffPost

So long, CBS

We regret to inform you that journalism is dead at CBS. It happened last night when the network fired Scott Pelley from 60 Minutes for speaking truth to power. We are enormously grateful to Scott for taking a real stand and being courageous instead of kissing ass and going along just to get along like so many of his colleagues in the news business. Still, this sucks. It means that 60 Minutes is effectively dead as we knew it, and the Trump orders to gut it have been carried out. Yesterday was a very dark day for journalism and America. Thank you to Scott for doing what good journalists do and shining a light on corruption and injustice. And a giant FUCK YOU to everyone who was calling for him to be fire. Chris Cillizza can eat the lint from our taints.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

Progressive politicians are sharpening their attacks against tech tycoon Elon Musk, zeroing in on his soon-to-be-trillionaire status days before his company SpaceX’s record-setting initial public offering. More: NBC News

Iran will play its final World Cup warm-up behind closed doors in Turkey on Thursday before departing for a tournament base in Mexico on Saturday, the Iranian FA (FFIRI) said on Wednesday. More: NBC News

A young man who pleaded guilty in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol and apologized for his “foolish” actions during what he said was “without a doubt one of the most embarrassing days in modern American history” now works at the Defense Department. More: NBC News

Acceptance of same-sex marriage and relationships in the U.S. has flattened after more than two decades of steadily increasing support, with an ongoing decline among Republicans, according to a new Gallup poll. More: AP

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Businessman Zach Lahn’s win in Iowa’s Republican gubernatorial primary over President Donald Trump’s pick, Rep. Randy Feenstra, delivered a rare electoral setback for Trump in a primary season that had previously handed him back-to-back victories. More: AP

JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) — Republican U.S. Sen. Dan Sullivan is running for reelection in Alaska and faces a field of 15 competitors. One of them is Dan Sullivan. More: AP

Wrestling icon Mick Foley has spilled on why Donald Trump’s response to the killings of director Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele, led him to distance himself from WWE due to its relationship with the president. More: HuffPost

California state Sen. Scott Wiener and San Francisco Supervisor Connie Chan are projected to advance in the top-two “jungle” primary for the state’s 11th congressional district, signaling just how enduring former Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hold on the region continues to be. More: HuffPost

Podcaster Shawn Ryan on Monday railed against President Donald Trump over his litany of apparent corruption scandals, joining a burgeoning chorus of former MAGA supporters and pro-Trump podcasters who have turned against the president since his 2024 reelection. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another stupid day in the shit! We hope you remembered to wear your galoshes. We’re sorry to start off so negative today, but things are really, really dumb and getting even dumber. So we’re gonna do something a little different today. Instead of pointing out something stupid and horrifying and making fun of it, we’re gonna show you something awesome and cute…

Well that’s just fucking adorable. We know not everyone loves Mayor Mamdani or the New York Knicks, but goddamn we needed something positive and we sure appreciate Zo coming through. It’s a good reminder that not everything or everyone sucks, and there are good people out there who love this country and want to actually help people. And holy fucking shit did we ever need that reminder.

So as we share today’s news about white supremacists, morons and traitors, try to remember that there is still cute and heartwarming shit in the world that Trump hasn’t fucked up yet. And then protect that shit at all costs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: There was reporting yesterday that Trump is backing off his slush fund for cop-beaters and pedophiles. But nobody believes a goddamn word he says anymore, so the lawsuits are still on. Still, it’s nice to know that even this crap was too gross for the GOP. More: Politico

Note three: Trump spent yesterday calling up gullible reporters and telling them he has grown bored with Iran and doesn’t care what happens there. For literally any other president, this shit would have been career-ending. More: CNBC

Note four: Pete Hegseth continued his racist bullshit at the Pentagon. He has again denied promotions to Black people and women. For some reason, the New York Times is referring to this as anti-DEI instead of just calling it racist as fuck. More: People

Note five: Speaking of shocking racism, what the fuck, Vivek?! We knew this guy sucked, but holy shit.

Note six: Todd Blanche is testifying this afternoon in front of the House. We hope he has a terrible day. More: The Times Tribune

Note seven: Axios is reporting that Trump cussed out Bibi. Yeah, sure. Trump is a big tough independent guy who definitely started a dumb war in the Middle East on his own. And just a reminder that Axios has reported almost daily for weeks that Trump is about to make a deal to end the war. So you probably shouldn’t believe jack shit from them. More: Axios

Note eight: Pride Month is starting with a bang! A judge ruled that Trump’s attack on trans service members is discriminatory. Yeah, no shit. More: ABC News

Note nine: It’s a big Election Day in a lot of states. While we’ve been focused on California, make sure you follow the other big stuff too. More: Bolts Mag

Note 10: We don’t usually do two back-to-back video posts, but we think it works here. The first video is of Greg “Little Bitch” Bovino talking to a bunch of nazis…

Note 11: And the second is Markwayne saying he has no idea who the fuck Bovino is lolololol…

Note 12: We forgot to ask — are y’all rooting for the Knicks or the Spurs? Or do you not give a shit because you can’t focus on anything except the deaths of democracy and decency?

Note 13: We don’t love or understand why Jill Biden has made her husband’s health a headline story again, but we will always have affection for the Biden family. So we hate sharing this update on the former president’s health, but we figured you should know. More: HuffPost

Note 14: And since we’re talking about the Bidens, we want to congratulate Hunter on seven years of sobriety. God knows he’s done a lot of dumb shit, but so has Sam. More: US Magazine

Note 15: In case we haven’t been clear on this point, Jared Polis sucks and we fucking hate him. Literally everyone knew what would happen if he let Tina Peters out of jail and now here she is being the worst and undermining our democracy. Fuck all the way off, Jared.

Note 16: There is a Republican member of Congress who has been missing for months. He might be in rehab. He might be dead. Nobody knows. So of course Trump just endorsed the guy for reelection. More: HuffPost

Note 17: If you thought Bill Maher was pathetic for kissing Trump’s ass, just wait until you see him eat Spencer Pratt’s shit. Someone wanna get Bill some self-respect? What a fucking loser. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Both Rubio and Markwayne are testifying today. We sure hope our people are ready to make them miserable. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Ben Shapiro. No, really. You see, Ben’s media empire is going down the shitter and that brings us much joy. Fuck off, Ben! More: Vox

Note 20: And on that note of schadenfreude, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week so far. And if not, just remember that not everyone is a Donald. Some people are a Zohran. Love y’all!

Wut

We never properly celebrated the fact that Tulski Gabbard got her walking papers. Maybe because we figured the next hire would be worse. And we were right. Trump announced this morning that he put the Freddie Fannie guy who tried to go after Letitia James in charge of our national intelligence. Not only is Bill Pulte dangerously unqualified for this gig, but we know his only qualification is that he is willing to shamelessly go after anyone Trump doesn’t like. Frankly, we like that Trump is in this stage of desperation. It’s terrible for America and the world, but it makes clear what a weak loser he is.

More: CNBC

Speak up, Golden State!

It’s Election Day in California! Golden Staters are going to the polls to nominate candidates up and down the ballot, including candidates to replace outgoing Gov. Gavin Newsom. We’re really hoping that the state’s voters are able to shut out Republican candidates in the gubernatorial and L.A. mayoral races because we can’t stand the thought of spending the next several months hearing about how the state is going red. And Spencer Pratt is a fucking asshole who needs to lose badly. Do the right thing, California! (While we stay out of primaries, Sam is a Californian now and, if it helps, he voted for Becerra and Bass.)

More: AP, ABC7

Go off, Scott!

The new head of CBS’s 60 Minutes thought he would throw some bagels at the staff and give them some bullshit about his love of the show. Scott Pelley had other ideas. In a widely reported showdown, Pelley went off on Nick Bilton, the lackey Bari Weiss hired to turn the news magazine into a Trumpified joke. These are the kinds of guts we have been begging journalists to show for years now, and we are so grateful to everyone there who is holding the line and calling out the bullshit. It’s so easy to be heroic in Trump’s America. All you have to do is stay off your knees.

More: AP

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin is slated to appear Tuesday in the Senate to answer questions about the agency’s budget, at a time of intense scrutiny about how the Trump administration is carrying out immigration enforcement and preparing for the World Cup. More: AP

California Democrats persuaded voters to let them redraw the state’s congressional map so the party could potentially gain five seats in the U.S. House to counter GOP redistricting in Texas. Tuesday’s primary will be the first indication of whether that will pay off. More: AP

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Iowa Democrats on Tuesday will settle one of the party’s last competitive U.S. Senate primaries, choosing between two state lawmakers who each say he is better poised to flip a retiring Republican’s seat. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders said Monday that he is standing by Graham Platner in the wake of media reports that the Maine Senate candidate previously exchanged sexually explicit text messages with several women while he was married. More: AP

A federal judge on Monday ruled protesters criticizing President Donald Trump in an ongoing demonstration near the National Mall in Washington, D.C., cannot be forced to take down a flag reading “86 47,” concluding there is no indication it should be taken as a threat to the 47th president’s life. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it was another rough weekend for the Trump kids as their father once again opted to spend his free time crashing out on Truth Social instead of throwing a ball around with them. But that’s ok. It’s too late to save Don Jr. anyway. And for the first time in maybe ever, we actually enjoyed one of Trump’s social media freakouts. Because they confirmed for the billionth time that ol’ cankles is a big goddamn loser…

LOLOL!!! Well this is just the funniest, most pathetic shit ever. America is turning 250 and we can even get C+C fucking Music Factory to perform because the president of the United States is a radioactive pud. Like are we supposed to believe that Trump is doing great with the Iranians but lost a negotiation with Milli Vanilli? This ain’t just embarrassing for President Pisspants. This is embarrassing for all of us. America is basically the Starlight Lounge in Reno and even the Oak Ridge Boys are telling us they’re busy washing their hair.

The good news is they did find a replacement. The new lineup is The Fabulous JD and His Seven Sofa Sirens, Stephen Miller playing the triangle, Susie Wiles is gonna riverdance and Scott Bessent will be performing the National Anthem with a kazoo in his anus. We know it sounds awful, but it’s the best they could do. But don’t worry. They’re probably handling all the important shit just fine. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: California! We need y’all to step up this week. The primaries are tomorrow. We’re not telling you who to vote for, but we are telling you that Chad Bianco, Steve Hylton and Spencer Pratt are worthless pig-fucking shitbags. More: AP

Note three: And it ain’t just the Golden State. We’ve got a busy month of elections all over the freakin’ place. And as always, our friends at Bolts Mag have us covered with a comprehensive preview. More: Bolts Mag

Note four: The NBA finals are set! We’re not picking sides unless Trump starts claiming the Knicks. And then we’ll be Spurs fans for life.

Note five: Happy Pride Month!!! Piss off the bigots by embracing and loving your LGBTQ+ friends. Because what kind of fucking loser is still homophobic in the year 2026?

Note six: We did a bonus therapy session Friday. You can get caught up here if you missed it. We’re gonna try to do two or three of them this week.

Note seven: This story is fucking hilarious. Greg “Little Bitch Nazi” Bovino is trying like hell to stay relevant and start shit. Unfortunately, everywhere he goes has a sign that said “You Must Be This Tall to Start a Race Riot.” Poor Greg. More: Mother Jones

Note eight: We got some great news on Friday as a judge told Trump to get his fucking dirty ass name off our Kennedy Center. Trump took it really well. Just kidding. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: Trump’s slush fund for cop–beaters and pedophiles is on life support because even his own party is horrified by it. Or at least they claim to be. More: The Hill, NBC News

Note 10: We know we’re a broken record on this, but goddamn this guy is good…

Note 11: Tina Peters gets out of prison today. We sure hope Jared Polis spends the day eating shit. Fucking asshole. More: The Hill

Note 12: John Oliver brought the heat this week, laying out just how corrupt Trump’s pardons have been. We think this should be one of the Democratic House’s first non-ICE investigations. Because this is some of the most corrupt shit we’ve ever seen. More: HuffPost

Note 13: If you’re like us, you’ve been demanding House leadership get their asses on the ground where facism is flaring. So thank you to Hakeem Jeffries for doing exactly that…

Note 14: We don’t know what the hell Gov. Mikie Sherrill is thinking, but the riot cops outside Delaney aren’t the good guys. The protesters are. More: WHYY

Note 15: The MSM don’t care, but we think it’s actually a pretty big deal that the Minnesota Republican Party held a moment of silence for the piece of shit who murdered George Floyd. More: The Independent

Note 16: The Trump presidency is bad for everyone’s health. Including Trump’s. Yeah, on Friday his fake doctors released a bullshit report about his health. And ol’ boy has put on 14 pounds in the last year. Maybe his ample orange ass should stop calling other people fat. More: The Independent

Note 17: What the effing fuck even is this gibberish? He left the Iranian military alone? What?

Note 18: It should be a much bigger story that Trump is so close to the Epstein files that he is literally purging his party of anyone who tried to get the truth out. But also, Nancy Mace can eat a big pile of shit and we enjoy laughing at her misfortune. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to CNN. Hey they need the viewers and we felt like doing some charity work. But we wanted to highlight both-sides weasel Harry Enten’s take on where Democrats stand going into the midterms. We’ve got this, Sexy Patriots. Now let’s run it up! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that promising note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend and didn’t spend it getting told to fuck off by Milli Vanilli. Because that would be so pathetic it might make us cry. Love y’all!

Our Maine Man

Phew. This is a tough one, Sexy Patriots. Over the weekend, a former staffer for Graham Platner went public to the NYT and WSJ about Platner sexting with multiple women who aren’t his wife. Add this to the nazi tattoo stuff and horrifying Reddit posts, and it’s really not hard to see why so many Democrats are squeamish about this dude. But that ain’t our call. Frankly, we thought about this all weekend and our main takeaway is that we’re glad we don’t live in Maine and have to decide between an obviously and deeply flawed candidate (and human) and Susan fucking Collins. We tend to think Susan has done a hell of a lot more damage than Graham has, so we’re sure as not gonna give anyone any shit for supporting Graham. But we’re not gonna attack people who don’t either. Good luck, Mainers.

More: HuffPost

So long, 60!

So last week Bari Weiss fired the good journalists at 60 Minutes and replaced them with a lazy tech guy who has no broadcast experience. So surely it can’t get any worse, right? Wrong!

More like Kevin Asshead

Shit-eating grin guy Kevin Hassett hit the Sunday shows this weekend to tell us the economy is actually doing great. No one can afford gas or ground beef, but sure things are great. Now none of this is exactly breaking news, so why are we sharing this in the news section? Because we want you to see the video of this bitch making clear that the Trump administration is more worried about credit card companies than regular Americans. In a Democratic administration, this would be called a gaffe and a scandal. But with these fuckers, it’s just another Sunday…

More: bsky.app

About that Arrangement

We regret to inform you that Axios and their friends in the MSM got it wrong again. Despite telling us all on Friday that Trump and the Iranians were close to a deal, the missiles are still flying, the hardliners have taken power in Tehran and Trump is still stuck. Around 1 a.m. last night, Trump once again claimed that Iran is desperate to make a deal, and he blamed his American critics for constantly telling the truth about his weak (and bruised) hands. “Just sit back and relax,” he said. Sorry, but there is no universe where a rapist warmonger telling people to relax is actually gonna help people relax. Fucking creep. Maybe this week, Axios and other other beltway butt-smoochers should try confirming some shit before reporting it. Just an idea.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

The progressive political commentators Cenk Uygur and Hasan Piker said Monday they had been barred from entering the United Kingdom to speak at events. More: NBC News

Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear said Sunday that “Texas is in play” for Democrats in this year’s Senate race after state Attorney General Ken Paxton beat Sen. John Cornyn in last week’s Republican primary. More: NBC News

An experimental vaccine from Moderna shows promise in keeping deadly skin cancer from returning for years, according to new clinical trial results. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani did not attend an annual parade honoring Israel on Sunday, breaking with a decades-long political custom because of his support of Palestinian rights. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The world is getting more uptight about lending money to President Donald Trump’s government — causing interest rates to climb in ways that are worsening affordability pressures, hampering economic growth and creating a new risk for Republicans in November’s midterm elections. More: AP

Graham Platner’s wife called the media reports that her husband had previously exchanged sexually explicit text messages with several women “shameful” over the weekend, the latest controversy to hit the Maine Democrat’s whirlwind Senate campaign. More: AP

Serena Williams is officially making her comeback to professional tennis.

Williams, 44, first teased her return on Monday morning with a social media video from longtime sponsor Nike. In the 17-second clip, Williams can be seen on the tennis court walking over to her buzzing phone while text reading “Guess everybody heard the news” is then shown. More: ESPN

Thank you to everyone who joined this week’s Friday Therapy Session!

If you missed it, you can watch the replay above, and you can click here for a copy of the comments from the live.

Now we want to hear from you. What are you up to this weekend? How are you doing? What’s on your mind?

Drop a comment below and let us know. We love hearing from this incredible community.

Love y’all!

Adam and Sam

Note: To cuss or not to cuss? That is the fucking question. It might surprise you Sexy Patriots to know that we like the obscenities. Big time. We believe in extreme cussing for extreme times. But we know others can be squeamish about harsh tones and real talk. Especially when they see an unapologetic badass like this one…

Fuuuuuck yeah. Hello, new leader. Which battle or wall of fire may we follow you into? Because we approve the eff out of that message. Look, as guys who write a profane newsletter, we have been told more times than we can remember that we’d be a lot more successful if we didn’t use so many obscenities. And every time we said “fuck that shit.” We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — we’ll stop cussing when the evil sonsofbitches dismantling our country stop giving us shit to cuss about. And the generations coming behind us aren’t fucking around either. They’ve had it, and we don’t blame them one fucking bit. Gen Z has Gen Zero fucks to give.

So we get it if cussing ain’t for you. In fact we respect the shit out of that. But for a lot of us, it’s only natural when shit is this fucked up. And if nothing else, surely we can all agree to boo this sorry sack of shit…

BOOOOOO!!!!! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This has been a pretty fucked up week. Y’all want some extra therapy? Cool. How about 1:30 p.m. ET/10:30 a.m. PT? We’ll see you here or on YouTube!

Note three: “Vomiting virus is spreading across most of the U.S.” Well that’s a nice headline to wake up to. But don’t worry. We’re sure raccoon dick guy is gonna get on it after he does some blow off a toilet seat. More: NBC News

Note four: Californians! Have you voted yet? We need you to turn out and vote for Democrats. Especially if you live in L.A. We ain’t doing this Spencer Pratt shit. More: WFMD

Note five: This is the funniest thing to happen all week. Since Molly made this list, Bret Michaels has pulled out too. Do you know how fucking radioactive you have to be to be too toxic for the former lead singer of Poison?

Note six: We like Gretchen Whitmer, but she has seemed off her game ever since that Oval Office debacle. We’re not sure what’s going on with her 2028 messaging, but this ain’t ideal. More: AP

Note seven: And while we’re questioning people we adore, we’re not real sure why Dr. Jill Biden thinks we needed another discussion about her husband’s health right now, but the right-wing scumbags are sure enjoying it. More: WFMD

Note eight: While we were writing this morning, a judge temporarily blocked Trump’s slush fund for cop-beaters and pedos. Thank goodness for small miracles. More: CNN

Note nine: We’re all waiting to see if Trump has the stones to go get booed at Madison Square Garden, but we’ve got a Game Seven this weekend to focus on first. Two sweetest words in the English language — Game Seven. More: ESPN

Note 10: This guy sure makes messaging look easy, don’t he?

Note 11: The weirdos are very afraid of James Talarico. They’ve never seen a real man before. More: HuffPost

Note 12: You know how we know Stephen A. Smith is really a Republican? No, it’s not all the GOP lies and his endless attacks on Democrats. It’s that he never fucking stops whining. More: Awful Announcing

Note 13: The Hill is reporting that Trump’s latest attack on E. Jean Carroll is causing heartburn for Senate Republicans. Good. Fuck ‘em. That’s what they get for supporting a rapist. More: The Hill

Note 14: Trump is spending millions of our dollars to paint some horse statues gold. Is there even a White House press corps anymore or did they all just give up and go home? More: NOTUS

Note 15: The Onion had us laughing and then dry-heaving with this one…

Note 16: Hockey great Claude Lemieux took his own life this week. He was 60. You might wonder why we give a shit since he was a Trump guy. Well, frankly we don’t want anyone to take their own life and we thought this was a good opportunity to remind everyone that the crisis hotline number is 988. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 17: Putin is bringing us closer to a world war by accidentally bombing Romania. If only we had a president who would call him out or just stop sucking his taint for one damn second. More: NBC News

Note 18: Thank you to Kaitlan Collins for pushing arrogant freakshow Scott Bessent on that stupid $250 bill idea. If Bessent was a Democrat, all we would ever hear about is how out of touch he is. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we got nuthin’. Sorry, but that’s just the state of the world right now. Maybe you can tell us something good that’s happening in your life in the comments. In the meantime, here’s Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison because Bret Michaels did the right thing and this song still rocks… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that half-assed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And if you see Stephen Miller, don’t forget to call him an ugly fudge. Love y’all!

So long, 60!

Donald Trump has always hated 60 Minutes. So he got his billionaire butt-kissing friends to buy it and destroy it, and that’s exactly what has happened. Yesterday Bari Weiss announced she was firing some of the best journalists at the esteemed news program and replacing them with some asshole who has zero broadcast experience. Since Bari has already tanked CBS Evening News’s ratings and still has her job, we can only assume that the goal is not building numbers but satisfying Trump. So RIP to CBS News and 60 Minutes. And shame on the so-called journalists who haven’t said shit about their fired colleagues.

More: People

Iran or Iran’t

Yesterday Axios reported that the U.S. and Iran had a deal to extend the ceasefire, open the Strait of Hormuz and figure out the nuclear stuff later. Then Reuters and the NYTimes confirmed this scoop. And then nothing happened. If that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s happened like 50 fucking times and the press just keep falling for the same shit. We want this war to end, but we can’t imagine being so stupid that you still believe this White House at this point.

More: NBC News

Spill it, Pam

We put this here because we think it should be noted, but the truth is this is kind of a nothingburger. Pam Bondi is finally testifying in front of the House Oversight Committee today, but we’re not expecting much. Why? Well because as we mentioned earlier this week, Committee Chairman James Comer is doing everything he can to protect the Epstein class. And that includes letting Bondi testify without videotaping it or putting her under oath. So yeah, this is a fucking joke. But it’s also more fuel for our side to remind Americans that the entire GOP is engaged in this cover-up.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Democrats may be in a more celebratory mood than usual as they gather Friday in South Carolina, a state led almost entirely by Republicans.

The party is holding events days after the GOP-led state Senate shot down an effortbacked by President Donald Trump to redraw House district lines to help Republicans this fall. That move was aimed at ousting longtime Rep. Jim Clyburn, the state’s lone congressional Democrat and a party powerbroker who has been in office since 1993. More: AP

STAFFORD, Va. (AP) — A bus struck six vehicles on Interstate 95 in Virginia as traffic slowed for a work zone, killing five people and sending 34 to hospitals, state police said Friday. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Tomatoes, ubiquitous in everything from fast-food burgers to haute cuisine, are taking on a new role beyond the plate: A nagging reminder of rising costs. More: AP

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — A rocket belonging to Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin exploded during a test at the launch pad Thursday night, shaking nearby homes and briefly painting the sky orange. More: AP

WASHINGTON — An apparent “swatting” incident targeted the home of Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Wednesday night, police confirmed to NBC News. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump bought a load of Dell Technologies stock just months before the computer maker received a massive Pentagon contract, in yet another example of how the president can benefit financially from his work in the White House. More: HuffPost

New York Knicks legend Bill Bradley has dunked on Donald Trump’s NBA Finals plans.

As the Knicks head to the NBA Finals for the first time this century, Bradley told TMZ Sportsthat if the New York native president does follow through with his stated idea of attending one of the games, then he won’t actually be the star of the show. More: HuffPost

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! You’re looking even more sexy and patriotic than usual today. We don’t know how you do it. Put it this way — you are to hotness what Donald Trump is to stupidity and bad hygiene. Ok you got us. We are buttering you up because we need to ask for a favor. Normally we use this space for something funny to ease us into the shitshow. But today, with your permission, we’d like to just go the fuck off. Because of this…

Sonofabitch! That lowdown sleazy motherfucker. He’s literally using the Department of fucking Justice to go after a woman he raped and defamed. What a fucking goddamn piece of shit! We are in fucking Saddam territory now. This is the most heinous stank-ass bullshit we’ve ever seen. We have literal goddamn steam coming out of our fucking ears because this is fucking insane!!! Every time we think our passionate hate for this piece of shit has leveled off to a new normal level, he goes and finds a new Mt. Everest of suck and we find a capacity to hate someone we didn’t know existed. That’s not even good writing. That’s how fucking pissed we are. Goddamn we hate him. We really, really, really hate him. Just a miserable piece of wet hog shit. Fuck!

We take some comfort in knowing that E. Jean Carroll has already kicked this orange bitch’s ass all over the place many, many times, and we’re sure she ain’t sweating this shakedown from a bunch of cheap thugs. But it’s still one of the grossest fucking things we’ve ever seen, and we sure as shit won’t be forgetting about it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: While we’re all already furious, we thought we’d keep it going by sharing this story about Sam Alito’s scumbag son working for Trump at the Treasury Department. So much for draining the fucking swamp. More: NOTUS

Note three: Oh and Trump’s goons are trying to put his face on a $250 bill. Everyone shaking with rage yet? We swear that wasn’t our intention today. More: The Independent

Note four: If you need some therapy at this point, we get it. We did a session yesterday, and you can get caught up here.

Note five: This is for the seven of you who haven’t already punched a hole in the living room wall…

Note six: A Trump judge says he’s just fine with Trump’s attack on American elections. This asshole probably thinks he’s better than the Jan. 6 scum. But he’s really just one of them. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Now for some good news — Morris Day and the Time and Young MC have announced they will not be performing at Trump’s “Freedom 250” festival just one day after their involvement was announced. Phew. Thank goodness. Because we were pretty bummed to lose these guys to MAGA. More: Variety

Note eight: But don’t worry. Milli Vanilli will still be performing, and goddamnit that’s pretty perfect for Trump. More: The Independent

Note nine: In other concert news, Bruce Springsteen just rocked DC and he’ s coming back to give the finger to Trump with Tom Morello. We freaking love this. More: WUSA9

Note 10: Gavin Newsom drives us insane. But we appreciate that he probably drives the Trumpers even insaner. This is a baller move…

Note 11: Yesterday Trump threatened to blow up yet another country. It barely made the news. More: The Guardian

Note 12: The Democratic National Committee has called Stephen Miller an “ugly fuck.” We find this to be accurate and a welcome stating of fact. Stephen Miller is an ugly fuck. So is his wife and probably his kids. More: The Hill

Note 13: Trump says he doesn’t care about the midterms. That’s good. Because he’s going to get his ass whooped.

Note 14: Whoa. Talarico brought in $3 million in the 24 hours after Ken Paxton got the Republican nomination. No wonder Republicans are so scared of him. And his tacos. More: The Hill

Note 15: The founder of Students for Trump was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend. Be warned that the details are horrifying. This piece of shit is really angling for a cabinet position. More: Defector

Note 16: Btw, we’re still at war with Iran. We assume it will be over in two weeks. More: NBC News

Note 17: We really, really need to beat this creepy sonofabitch…

Note 18: It’s almost a new month, and that means a new list of important elections from our friends at Bolts Mag. Choose your fighters and get involved! More: Bolts Mag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re talking CBS. No, really. We want to thank student journalist Santiago Campos for calling out the corporate garbage at the network even though they gave him tuition money. Maybe some of the MSM journalists could ask him to borrow some of his courage…

Note 20: And on that note that made us stand up and applaud, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great and short week, and we hope today’s newsletter didn’t make you too fucking angry. But it sure did to us. Love y’all!

Day Onen’t

It turns out that President Shit-for-brains didn’t solve inflation on Day One like he said he would. Yeah, we’re shocked too. Trump’s dumbfuck war in Iran has sent inflation skyrocketing to its highest level in three years. The Federal Reserve’s measuring stick for inflation jumped to 3.8 percent in April. And if you take away food and gas, it still went up to 3.3 percent. This is why Trump and his scum are so desperate to rig the midterms. Because Americans are broke and fucking furious.

More: CNN

Comer’s Cover-Up

Rep. James Comer wants to be governor of Kentucky. He’s lucky that voters there don’t care about Republicans who cover for pedophiles because that’s exactly what Comer is doing. Pam Bondi is going to testify tomorrow. It will be behind closed doors, it won’t be videotaped and she won’t be under oath. So yeah, Comer is covering up the cover-up of a child rape ring. It’s pretty insane to us that the press doesn’t make a bigger deal of this, but we expect very little these days.

More: American Oversight

About that fucking laptop

For four goddamn years, all we heard was how corrupt Hunter Biden was. And then the Trump boys came along and made him look like the amateur he is. The Trump White House literally stepped in to steer a $620 million deal to one of Don Jr.’s companies. We know we could say this about a lot of things these days, but this is just open corruption and it needs to be called out. Loudly. And shame on every media outlet who spent years attacking Hunter but turn a blind eye to this crap.

More: ProPublica

Today’s clips

Gov. Gavin Newsom made it officially official.

He’s endorsing Mayor Karen Bass in her campaign for another term as mayor of Los Angeles. More: NBC Los Angeles

Quarterback Jaxson Dart has faced backlash after introducing Donald Trump at a recent political rally, with some defenders arguing the appearance was simply about honoring a president rather than endorsing Trump’s politics. More: MeidasNews

In the next five years, the Earth is overwhelmingly likely to surge again and again past the international climate threshold set as safe and shatter its hottest-year record along the way, according to new United Nations climate projections. More: NBC News

LOS ANGELES — Matthew Perry’s personal assistant was sentenced Wednesday to three years and five months in federal prison for giving the “Friends” star the ketamine injections that left the actor dead of an overdose in a hot tub back in 2023. More: NBC News

Former first lady Jill Biden said in an interview clip released Wednesday that she thought her husband, former President Joe Biden, was “having a stroke” during his critical June 2024 debate, which catalyzed the chain of events that eventually led him to drop out of the presidential election. More: NBC News

Immigration officers made more than 4,000 arrests and shot multiple people, two fatally, before “Operation Metro Surge” wound down in February, leaving an imprint on the psyches of young children that could haunt them for years, mental health providers say. More: AP

CBS News will not renew the contract of a “60 Minutes” correspondent whose segment on torture in Salvadoran prisons was initially pulled before it could air.

Sharyn Alfonsi told The New York Times that her current contract expired on Saturday and CBS News has no plans to renew it. More: HuffPost

More from Adam:

We also talked about the normalization of ignoring court orders, the chaos surrounding Trump-era legal culture, the fallout from DOJ politicization, and the dangerous inconsistencies we’re now seeing from the courts. Katie shared powerful insight into the emotional toll of covering these stories day after day, the importance of survivor advocacy, and why accountability still matters even when the system feels broken. We even got into the “shadow docket,” the future of the Voting Rights Act, and how the legal profession itself has changed under Trumpism.

If you missed the live, you’re going to want to catch the replay. Katie always brings clarity, expertise, and honesty to conversations that most people either oversimplify or avoid entirely. Love y’all!

Adam

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Thank you all for joining today’s live. We really loved the conversation today and every single one of you who takes time out of your day to show up, engage, laugh, vent, learn, and build this community with us. What we’re building here together genuinely means a lot.

Now we need your recommendations. What are y’all watching on TV right now? Any must-watch shows? And what books should we be reading? Drop your favorites in the comments so the whole community can check them out too.

Love y’all!

Adam and Sam

You can read the comments that took place during the live by clicking here!

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Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we’ve been together for a long time now. For the last seven-plus years, we’ve been doing this newsletter, cussing Trump and Trumpism and occasionally fighting like an old married couple. At this point we are beyond friends. We’re like an old married couple. And that’s why Sam saw the results of last night’s Texas Republican primary and then felt comfortable busting Adam’s chops over this…

Oh-no. That’s a tattoo Adam got in honor of his son, who is named Paxton. That poor kid!!! It ain’t gonna be easy sharing a name with a Texas dirtbag criminal who also might become a U.S. Senator. Thank goodness the boy ain’t named Lindsey Graham Mike Johnson Parkhomenko (but Adam still inexplicably has that tattooed on his thigh). But Gross Paxton (as we will be referring to the Texas guy from now on) is a true menace to the United States. He’s a criminal, a cheater and someone who really loves pedophiles, including but not limited to Donald Trump. So there are plenty of reasons we need to elect James Talarico and defeat Ken “the Gross” Paxton.

But now we have a new one. We can’t let Adam’s kid grow up being bullied for having the same name as this despicable chode. We don’t want to be hitting y’all up for help with therapy bills. So we’re begging you, Texas. Don’t vote for the guy who puts pedophiles on the streets, cheated on his wife and took a shitload of bribes. We’d ask you to do it for America, but we doubt that means much to you. So do it for this adorable kid who has the misfortune of sharing a name with a scumbag. And let’s all be glad Adam’s son doesn’t have the same name as John Cornyn. Because “Loser Ass Bitch Boy” would sure be a rough name to live with. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You know what we need? Some motherfuckin’ therapy! We had to miss last week because of Sam’s travels, so how about today at 3:15 p.m. ET/12:15 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then! You can find us here on Substack or here on YouTube then!

Note three: Imagine being such a huge fucking asshole that Texas Republicans would vote for Ken Paxton but not you. Anyway, let’s all enjoy Chip Roy’s failure last night. Because that dude sucks. At least now he’ll have more time to spend eating shit. More: Politico

Note four: A three-judge panel, including two Trump judges, said that the Alabama congressional maps that SCOTUS approved are racist as hell. So we’re all eagerly waiting to see how SCOTUS rams them through anyway because they too are racist as hell. More: NBC News

Note five: Ken Paxton vs. this guy and it’s actually gonna be close. And Republicans still think they’re the good guys. Idiots.

Note six: Remember over the holiday weekend when all those gullible dumbshit reporters were once again reporting that Trump had a deal on Iran? Well you’ll never guess what happened next. More: NBC News

Note seven: Here are the celebs who have been invited to Trump’s despicable UFC fight at the White House. If Sandler goes, we will be crushed. And Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson can go fuck himself. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump says his physical yesterday went great. We don’t believe him. But only because he looks like a jack-o-lantern that was left out until Arbor Day. More: USA Today

Note nine: We will of course support the nominee, but we are damn sorry to see Rep. Al Green go down after he confronted Trump earlier this year. More: HuffPost

Note 10: WARNING! THIS VIDEO WILL WEIRD YOU OUT! But the weirdest part is that you’ll end up wishing it was the snakes who are in charge of our national health policies. And you’re left to wonder if he ate them or fucked them or both.

Note 11: Thank you to the Texas Democrats who saw through the GOP’s dirty tricks and nominated a real candidate instead of an antisemite. More: HuffPost

Note 12: California! Y’all are the next big primaries everyone will be watching. Now y’all know we stay out of primaries, but if it helps, we will share that Sam voted for Becerra and Bass. We don’t care who you pick as long as it ain’t a Republican or whatever the fuck Spencer Pratt is.

Note 13: CNN sucks, but this is pretty good. And pretty goddamn brutal.

Note 14: Trump is talking about going to a New York Knicks game in the finals and honestly we’ve never wanted anything more. Go get booed for two-and-a-half hours, you miserable piece of shit. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 15: We freaking adore Tom Hanks. And when he talks about America, we listen. Also it’s been forever since we saw Bachelor Party. You think it still holds up? More: HuffPost

Note 16: We forgot Tony Blair existed. Nice of him to remind us that he is a giant piece of hog shit. More: The Guardian

Note 17: When you put someone named Markwayn in a position of authority, you are just asking for dumb and awful shit to happen.

Note 18: Another person who was shitcanned for commenting on Charlie Kirk just got paid. We love seeing this happen. Maybe universities and big corporations should stop being such wusses. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Fox News. Yes, seriously. But only because we want you to see this badass resistor cuss out the Fox reporter. We love you, Jersey!

Note 20: And on that satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week so far and that your kids don’t share a name with horrible shit-eating scumbags. Love y’all!

Shame on U.S.

While Trump turns the White House into a UFC ring and continues to lose his war in Iraq, it can be easy for Americans to forget that he is running concentration camps in this country. So we are grateful to the Associated Press for taking a deep look into the increase of suicides by ICE detainees. This is why Markwayne and Trump won’t let Democrats inside these facilities. Because they are so horrible that people who came here believing in America are killing themselves. It feels like we are at the beginning stages of finding out just how depraved and fucked up the Trump administration really is. And we already know a lot.

More: HuffPost, AP

Yay Cocks!

Sorry, we couldn’t resist. The University of South Carolina’s mascot is the Gamecocks and everyone calls them the Cocks and we are very immature. But what’s not immature is the way South Carolina Republicans shockingly defied Trump yesterday and didn’t pass legislation to draw new congressional maps that would have gotten rid of Jim Clyburn’s seat. We’ll be honest and tell you we didn’t see this one coming. Let’s hope it sticks because y’all know how these guys turn to oatmeal when Trump starts threatening them.

More: NBC News

Pucker up!

Trump and his gang of butt-smoochers were supposed to be going to Camp David today for a Cabinet meeting. Instead, they will have it at the White House. We sure love these because there’s nothing like watching a bunch of Epstein dudes sit around kissing Trump’s big orange ass and telling us all how great everything is. We’re curious how many people in that room have filled up their gas tanks lately. Because you fucking know Trump never has.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — U.S. military contractors need at least three years to replenish stockpiles of three key weapons systems used heavily in the Iran war, according to an analysis released Wednesday, adding to concerns that American forces would have limited firepower in any future conflict with China. More: AP

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Win or lose, billionaire Democrat Tom Steyer will leave a mark in the history books in his bid to become California’s next governor — he’s running the most expensive political advertising campaign in the country this year. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Joe Biden sued the Justice Department on Tuesday in an effort to block the release of audio recordings and transcripts of the former president’s interview with a ghostwriter that were obtained by the special counsel who investigated his handling of classified documents. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A Justice Department indictment against the Southern Poverty Law Center is part of a “top-down” campaign of retribution against President Donald Trump’s perceived political enemies and constitutes a vindictive prosecution that must be dismissed, lawyers for the nonprofit argued Tuesday in urging a judge to toss the case out. More: AP

The head of one of the country’s largest teachers unions called for limits on technology in schools in a speech Wednesday, including blocking most students from using computers in class until they reach third grade, prohibiting student-facing AI in elementary schools and banning “social companion” chatbots until age 16. More: NBC News

Most voters don’t know who their city attorney is — or even what that person does. It is “one of the most important, but often least understood, positions in the city,” according to LA City Attorney candidate Marissa Roy. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be back with you after our Memorial Day holiday. We appreciate you giving us the day off so we could chill with our families, remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for this country and get called “Dumocrats” by a draft-dodging dipshit who spent the weekend surrendering from his surrender. But now we’re back and so is President Shit-for-brains, who is off to yet another medical exam today. And from the way that decomposing motherfucker was looking this weekend, ol’ Water Reed might not let him out…

WAKE UP, ASSHOLE! Jeez. Even the cryptkeeper thinks Trump looks like shit. How can someone so rotten still be rotting? His cankles have spread to his hands and his tail finally fell off. His hands look like dirty plums, and we know he’s got the mini-mushroom peen going on. So while we’re not doctors, we are comfortable making a prognosis — Donald Trump is a sick fuck. In every way you can imagine.

Now normally we’d tell him to take some livestock medicine and go suck on a crystal rock, but we’re feeling compassionate today. So instead, our prescription for Trump is to eat shit, fuck off and then kiss our asses. Because that guy is sick and his health sucks too. Oh well. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey speaking of the president’s health, when is Jake Tapper’s book coming out? Surely that arrogant dishonest shit doesn’t just care when it’s a Democrat. Right?

Note three: The Texas Senate run-off is today, and Trump has gone all-in for the scummier of the two candidates. We assume Texas will too. More: HuffPost

Note four: We saw people posting this story about the origins of Memorial Day and thought it was important to share. Especially since the president of the United States is a racist asshole who sucks. More: TIME

Note five: Well, the Knicks are in the NBA finals. We’re calling it the Mamdani Effect.

Note six: RIP to Sen. John McCain’s oldest son. We’re kinda shocked Trump hasn’t said something awful about this. More: USA Today

Note seven: While we were gone, your Justice Department was hard at work scrubbing the crimes of terrorists and pedophiles before giving them your money. Man, this is fucked up. More: AP

Note eight: We don’t want to be premature, but it sure looks like California dodged a big bullet this weekend with a chemical tank. Thank you to all the workers who spent their Memorial Day weekend preventing catastrophe. More: NBC News

Note nine: Another man was killed by the Secret Service after opening fire on the White House. If we were Trump, this would cause us to reflect on just how much we blow. More: NBC News

Note 10: Are we the only ones sick of this weirdo and his shit-eating grin telling us how fine and dandy the economy is doing?

Note 11: The brain-worm-felcher-raccoon-dick guy tried to take on Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel fucked him up. It’s not great that the guy in charge of our health believes every idiotic thing he reads on the internet. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Dana White, the UFC guy who beats his wife, said Trump can’t be racist because he let his kids play with Michael Jackson. LOLOL!!! Man, he can be racist and a shitty father at the same time. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We’re this close to converting to Catholicism because man this new Pope sure gets it. His take on AI this weekend was brilliant and desperately needed. So of course the usual assholes are butthurt about it. More: NPR

Note 14: RIP to Sonny Rollins. Man, what a giant. More: TMZ

Note 15: These are the same soulless fucks who call Barack Obama divisive.

Note 16: Elon had a very Elon weekend. And by that we mean he blew up a rocket and called it a success. More: AP

Note 17: Bill Ferguson is the Democratic president of the Maryland state Senate. He has been a total wuss on redistricting, but he seems to be slowly getting a fucking clue. With Democrats like this, who needs Republicans? More: The Hill

Note 18: Last week we told you about the Broadview Six. Then we found out the prosecutor was fucking working for Dick Durbin’s committee. We are so excited for Dick Durbin to go the fuck away. More: NOTUS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Monroe, Michigan, where Stephen Colbert and some folks from Michigan put a huge smile on our face last week. CBS was so pissed they tried to stop it and only reminded everyone how much they suck butt. Hard to describe how much we freaking love this.

Note 20: And on that brilliant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely Memorial Day weekend and are ready for a hot and probably stupid summer. We know we sure are. But that’s only because it doesn’t look like our hands are about to explode. Love y’all!

Go Tom!

We want to be clear that we are not Thomas Massie fans. But we sure do love the way he fucks with Trump. Massie is promising to be a major thorn in the cankles for the next seven months, but he apparently wants more. Just days after losing his primary to a Trump lackey, Massie has filed to run again in 2028. He’s also not done talking about Epstein and the survivors and that’s why we’re really kinda sorta rooting for this lunatic.

More: WLWT, NBC News

ICE ATTACKS U.S. SENATOR

We put that shocking news in all caps to make up for the lack of outrage from the mainstream media. Detained migrants are on a hunger strike over conditions at Delaney ICE detention in Newark. So Gov. Mikie Sherrill and Sen. Andy Kim and a few others went there and tried to get in. Not only were they denied entry, but they were pepper sprayed by ICE agents. This is apparently not a big deal to the news media. But it sure is fuck is to us. Just look at these goddamn pictures! More: The Hill

Here we go again… again

You’ll be shocked to hear that Trump didn’t solve his Iran problem over the weekend. Despite skipping his son’s wedding LOL, Trump spent the weekend posting on Truth Social about a deal coming together right before Israel attacked Lebanon and the U.S. started dropping more bombs. So yeah, there ain’t no deal. And considering that Trump now wants all the Arab countries to support Israel as part of a deal, we’re guessing there won’t be one anytime soon.

More: NBC News, NBC News, NBC News

Today’s clips

A bystander who was struck by gunfire after a man fired on a checkpoint outside the White House and was fatally shot by U.S. Secret Service officers remained in serious but stable condition Sunday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Congressional Black Caucus on Tuesday called on major corporations across the U.S., including those that previously expressed support for voting rights and racial justice, to oppose redistricting efforts by Republican-led states that seek to eliminate majority-Black U.S. House districts. More: AP

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Leo XIV made a historic apology on Monday for the Holy See’s role in legitimizing slavery and for having failed to condemn it for centuries, calling the Vatican’s record a “wound in Christian memory.” More: HuffPost

Drew Carey ripped into former reality TV star and Los Angeles mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt, calling him a “serial scammer.” More: HuffPost

Megyn Kelly leveled a list of vicious personal accusations against President Donald Trumpduring an unfiltered podcast appearance, claiming he’s a serial cheater while resurfacing rape allegations his first wife, Ivana Trump, made and then later retracted. More: HuffPost

Critics blasted White House communications director Steven Cheung over his latest profane social media post targeting a former top official in Donald Trump’s administration. More: HuffPost

The U.S. men’s national team will unveil its roster for the FIFA World Cup on Tuesday, finalizing the squad that will try to capture the U.S. its first title in the world’s biggest soccer tournament. More: NBC News