Note: Just another normal weekend, right Sexy Patriots? This fucking asshole can’t even go to a dinner without some stupid shit happening. Yeah, we didn’t get the memo that we’re supposed to speak in hushed respectful tones and wear kid gloves when discussing our special boy president and his special feelings. Because fuck that and fuck anyone telling you that…

LOLOL!!! First of all, well done, Rep. Raskin. Second of all, Dana, you can eat the corn out of our poop. When you get done with Trump’s. Now y’all know we are opposed to political violence. We always have been. It’s one of the reasons we hate the Jan. 6 asshole. But there is no universe where we give up our constitutional rights and duties to criticize a shitty rapist, racist president just because he’s so hated that people want him dead. That ain’t on us. It’s on him.

So sorry, Dana, but we’re not going to fold like you. We will continue to criticize, mock and resist a fascist president who delights in violence until it’s directed at him. As always, he can kiss our asses, eat shit and fuck all the way off. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: For all the right-wing whining about how Trump is the only president targeted, we’d like to remind you that seven bullets hit the upstairs residence of the White House while little Sasha Obama and her grandmother were home. Do you think Trump stopped demanding the president’s birth certificate after that? He did not. More: Wikipedia

Note three: We feel like we should be clear about something — it’s ok to hate and resist Trump. It ain’t ok to take a shot at him. If we want to be better than the Jan. 6 trash, then we have to condemn violence and take our country back the good and non-crazy way. We know y’all are too sexy to ever do anything crazy, but we thought we should say something.

Note four: Seriously what is the deal with this fucking ballroom?! That’s the main talking point for the Republican Party after this lunacy? That the president is so fucking hated that he needs a ballroom so he never has to leave the White House? Seems pretty goddamn stupid to us. More: NBC News

Note five: Here’s footage of us trying to find the right Bible verse to say for Trump…

Note six: Don’t ever confuse Thom Tillis for being a real man. He got played by Jeanine Pirro and now Trump is going to get his new Fed Chairman and Powell will continue to get investigated. Man, do Republicans suck. More: NBC News

Note seven: Voters approved new congressional maps for Virginia. Now we’re waiting to see if the state Supreme Court will let them. Doesn’t that seem backwards? More: Associated Press

Note eight: The Vatican is now less sexist than the president. Wild times, man. More: Associated Press

Note nine: We’ve seen Ohio do a lot of dumb shit. But are they really gonna make Vivek their governor? Wasn’t JD enough to satisfy the self-loathing? More: Associated Press

Note 10: It’s a good thing we’re not conspiracy-minded. Because everyone knows the only things that are rigged are the census, the courts and every election won by a Democrat.

Note 11: Just a reminder that the Strait of Hormuz is still basically closed because our idiot president started an idiotic war with no plan. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Barack Obama was very presidential about this weekend’s assassination attempt. Someone had to be. More: HuffPost

Note 13: This is apparently what journalism in America looks like now. Seems like a good way to get pink eye.

Note 14: The dude who wanted to kill Trump this weekend is being arraigned today. We don’t know how, but we’re sure DOJ will fuck this up. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Trump wants to change ICE to NICE so the media will have to call his goons nice all day. So he’s a fucking idiot. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Ok this is pretty funny. This Trump guy tried to start a U-S-A chant at the WHCA dinner and nobody was having it. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Trump is blaming our No Kings rally for this weekend’s hijinx. It really makes us want to do another one.

Note 18: Florida and Ron DuhSantis are about to draw some new maps. LOL. Go ahead. Make our day. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies. We know you all think the president of the United States is a pedophile and a rapist, but he has a great character witness — Cousin Eddie.

Note 20: And on that note that tells us the shitter is full, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and ignored all the crazy. We also hope you’re not so hated that you have to build a ballroom to hide in like some kind of asshole. Love y’all!

No Kings
King Charles is meeting with wannabe King Trump today. It’s the only time we’ve ever felt sorry for Charles. Yeah, we’re still holding a grudge for Di, and we also think the Royals are just as Epstein-y as Trump and his gross friends. We’re eager to see if Charlie will stand up for his country because we know Trump can’t and won’t stop shitting on them. Charles is also expected to address a joint session of Congress during his four-day trip to the U.S. More: CNN

About last weekend
So that was pretty fucked up. By now you know that a California teacher tried to run through security with a shotgun and was stopped by Secret Service. Just to be clear, he was never even on the same floor as Trump. Despite that, the news spent the weekend showing scenes of chaos and Trump falling on his orange ass. The president was reflective for about two seconds and then he started talking about his fucking ballroom and that quickly became the message for the entire GOP. Here’s a thought — if the president of the United States is so hated by Americans that he can’t leave the White House, then he has bigger problems than the lack of a ballroom. More: NBC News, More: Associated Press

Wait. What?!
Wanting to capitalize on the latest reminder that America hates him, Trump sat for an interview with Norah O’Donnell and 60 Minutes yesterday. We had very low expectations considering how much CBS has been bending over for Trump lately, but credit to O’Donnell for asking about the would-be shooter’s manifesto. We never thought we’d hear a president of the United States saying things like this…

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal law enforcement officials are evaluating how to proceed with some high-profile public events featuring President Donald Trump after the attack at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — A soldier betting on an operation to oust Venezuela’s leader. Politicians gambling on their own elections. Massive bets on the president announcing a ceasefire with Iran right before he actually did. More: Associated Press

The Department of Justice on Sunday demanded that the National Trust for Historic Preservation voluntarily drop its legal action to block the construction of President Donald Trump’s White House ballroom, claiming the lawsuit “puts the lives of the President, his family, and his staff at grave risk.” More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON, April 24 (Reuters) - The District of Columbia mistakenly placed several Australian flags instead of British flags near the White House ahead of King Charles’ U.S. visit, although the error was quickly corrected, a D.C. Department of Transportation official said on Friday. More: HuffPost

Ben Stiller’s basketball fandom on Saturday clashed with breaking news on the shooting outside the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, leading some Republicans to question the reason behind one of his social media posts. More: HuffPost

NEW YORK — “Michael,” the big-budget Michael Jackson spectacle, shrugged off bad reviews and a troubled production to launch with $97 million in U.S. and Canada theaters, according to studio estimates Sunday, shattering a record debut for music biopics. More: NBC News

Note: Sexiest of Patriots! How the hell are y’all today? Well that’s good. You smell fantastic. And it’s the weekend, so you’ve got that going for you. You know what else? You’re not spending this weekend kissing the miserable orange ass of a monster who abuses you and uses you daily. The White House press corps can’t say the same.

LOL. Have fun, everybody! Earlier this week, we ran a thoughtful and constructive guest post about what the White House Correspondents Association president should say in her remarks. Today, we’d like to go in a different direction. So we came up with a menu that the pathetic, out-of-touch beltway buttlicks can enjoy for their dinner with asshead. Yes, instead of salad and rubber chicken, we’d like to invite this year’s attendees to eat…

• Our asses

• Our taints

• A bag of dicks

• Shit

• Dog shit

• Horse shit

• Pig shit

• Shit shit

• Our shit

• Each other’s shit

• And a great big bowl of Go Fuck Yourself Soup

Now we know they’ll be too busy sucking up to human garbage like Hegseth or Stephen Miller or even Brendan fucking Carr. But we do hope they remember to take time to eat all the shit. And eat slowly. We wouldn’t want them to choke on it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The dumbest world leader on the planet continues to make up his own version of math. We assume Jake Tapper is working on a book about it. More: Associated Press

Note three: The latest Fox News poll should make Trump crap his pants. Ya know, more than he already does. If you want a big shot of hope this morning, take a look at the Hispanic numbers. More: Fox News

Note four: Remember that stupid fucking Gold Card? Well Nutlick has sold exactly one of them. We’re starting to think these Epstein scumbags are incompetent. More: NBC News

Note five: Speaking of Nutlick, he had a rough day yesterday thanks to our House Democrats…

Note six: Pete Hegseth had another one of his meltdowns this morning. We assume he drank his breakfast. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Bari Weiss and CBS are spending this week celebrating Trump. Their viewers are spending this week somewhere else. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note eight: It gets worse. Vanity Fair did a deep dive on Tony Dokoupil, and it was not flattering. It turns out he’s a soulless moron. Who knew? More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump’s idiots are moving fast to review the psychedelic drugs Trump is now promoting. Maybe if we eat enough shrooms, he won’t look so dumb. More: NBC News

Note 10: This is what the press are celebrating this weekend. Let’s hope they get some self-respect with their salads. Also, this motherfucker is losing it.

Note 11: We have defended Karen Bass a lot. We’re not doing that anymore. More: Yahoo

Note 12: The DOJ watchdog is going to investigate the department’s handling of the Epstein files. We can save them some time. IT’S A FUCKING COVER-UP! More: NBC News

Note 13: We saw this and thought someone should wake this asshole up. Then we thought about it and figured it’s better to let him sleep. Seriously, Tapper. Where’s that fucking book?

Note 14: By the way, in that Fox Poll, 55 percent of respondents said Trump is mentally unfit to be president. And the other 45 percent huff paint thinner.

Note 15: Republicans are having a very normal reaction to losing in Virginia this week. In fact, all they want to do in response is break up the state and give some cities to D.C. Totally normal people. More: Associated Press

Note 16: Henry Kissinger is still dead.

Note 17: Trump and Liddle Marco are going to fuck up the World Cup, and it’s going to be a shame. And a global humiliation. More: HuffPost

Note 18: While we were writing, “Judge” Jeanine Pirro announced that she and Trump are surrendering to Jerome Powell. Congrats to the Fed Chairman on staring down a bully. And congrats to Trump on another big fat L. More: ABC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hakeem Jeffries. Folks have asked us why we still rock with Hakeem while flushing Schumer. Well, it’s because of shit like this…

Note 20: And on that note that must make DeSantis DeShit himself, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome weekend and don’t spend it eating the shit of a fascist fuckhead. Love y’all!

Pumping gas(bag)
We’re sorry to tell you this, but you’re not gonna get a break on gas prices anytime soon. The dumb sonofabitch who ran a whole campaign on lowering prices is now telling us that gas will continue to be high “for a little while.” And remember this asshole thought COVID would just go away. And why the fuck does he keep saying he thought it would be worse like that’s some kind of comfort to people who can’t fill up their tanks to get to work? And why the fuck aren’t reporters asking him if he’s ever even filled up a tank? More: CNBC

Jackpot
One of the soldiers on the raid to capture Maduro in Venezuela bet on the success of the raid and made himself a cool $400,000. He then realized he was caught and did a bunch of shit to cover his tracks. Trump made excuses for the soldier, comparing him to Pete Rose. So yeah, our military is becoming a gross joke much like our commander-in-chief. Some Republicans are already calling for a pardon because laws just don’t mean shit anymore. More: NBC News

Reflection
Trump spent 10 minutes yesterday talking about building swimming pools and how he’s renovating the goddamn Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. He also took a minute to claim he had a bigger crowd than MLK Jr. So while you’re struggling to pay for food, gas and healthcare, the spoiled rotten shithead is using your money for a remodeling spree. And the media seem to think that’s totally normal and fine. Fuckers. More: The Independent

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump, who helped push the term “ fake news” into the mainstream, now seems to have a new favorite subject: fake math. More: Associated Press

ENID, Okla. (AP) — Communities began cleaning up Friday after a powerful tornado in Oklahoma damaged at least 40 homes, ripping roofs off of some and reducing others to rubble in a rural community as emergency crews rescued trapped residents, authorities said. More: Associated Press

RALEIGH, N.C. — Two young people have been arrested in an alleged plot to attack a Texas synagogue that involved driving through the congregation to “kill as many Jews as possible,” according to authorities and court documents. More: NBC News

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth defended President Donald Trump’s war in Iran, dismissing Pope Leo XIV’s criticism of the conflict. More: HuffPost

The editorial board of The Wall Street Journal has urged Donald Trump not to follow through on a reported possible plan to bail out Spirit Airlines. More: HuffPost

Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin let loose on Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) during a heated rant Thursday on Fox News. More: HuffPost

The latest from The Alt Media

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the shitshow must go on. The president of the United States has us stuck in a stupid war that he started to change the subject from his child rape scandal. Everything is expensive as hell, but Trump and his family are stuffing their fucking pockets. And we still don’t have any answers or accountability for all those school girls Trump murdered. So naturally, the online debate has been about Tucker Carlson.

To forgive or not to forgive? Hmmmm. We’re just not there yet. We’re still very much at the place where we wouldn’t piss on this asshole if he was on fire. And frankly we’ve dreamt of that very scenario many, many times. But we don’t want to be total dicks, or Tuckers, about this so we came up with a short list of tasks Tucker must complete before we will even consider forgiving him…

1. He has to eat a bowl of Trump’s shit on his show. He’s been doing it metaphorically for years so this shouldn’t be a big deal.

2. He has to hit himself in the face with a shovel as hard as we can. This isn’t for revenge. We just think it might knock that stupid look off his stupid face.

3. He has to leap head-first into a live volcano. If he survives, we will consider his apology.

4. He has to come up with a magical device that will make us forget what a racist sell-out treasonous bitch he is and always has been.

After Tucker completes this list, we will pretend to consider his apology. Then we will promptly tell him to fuck off, eat shit and kiss our asses. Because you’d have to be the dumbest sonofabitch on the planet to think this piece of shit is truly sorry. So fuck him and his family. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did you miss yesterday’s therapy session? It was a good one. We mostly talked about music. Sometimes it’s good to take a break from politics. You can view the comments from the live here!

Note three: Trump has reclassified weed as not as dangerous as heroin. He is so desperate. Watch this mofo ruin reefer for us. More: The Guardian

Note four: While you were sleeping, Senate Republicans started the process of ramming through billions more dollars for ICE. These fuckers never learn. More: HuffPost

Note five: We must all avenge Hunter Biden.

Note six: You know that war that wasn’t a war that was about over and just beginning? Well yeah, it’s still a fucking mess. And the dumbass who started it referred to himself as “extraordinarily brilliant” yesterday. Sigh. More: NBC News

Note seven: Trump wants to use our money to bail out Spirit Airlines. Even his kiss-asses think that’s a terrible idea. More: HuffPost

Note eight: There was a big debate in California last night. Y’all know we stay out of primaries, but we are endorsing the idea that one or more of the Democrats need to drop out and Steve Hilton is a pud. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump is trying to rig the World Cup. He wants to swap in Italy, who is suffering from the humiliation of missing the tournament for the the third time in a row, for Iran, who actually made the tournament. Even Italy thinks this is gross and stupid. More: NBC News

Note 10: Folks have been asking us if it’s ok to laugh at the Iran videos that destroy Trump. The answer is yes. It’s not ok to root for Iran, but it is ok to root for the further global humiliation of the dumb motherfucker who started this war…

Note 11: A judge dismissed Laura Loomer’s suit against Bill Maher. Bummer. We were hoping there was some way they could both lose. More: NBC News

Note 12: We are heartbroken to see this story about wildfires hitting Florida and Georgia. But we can’t help but wonder if they swept their forests. More: Associated Press

Note 13: We’ve been talking all week about the rise of Not Fucking Around Democrats. This is the perfect example. More of this please!

Note 14: The Justice Department is giving more of your money to Trump scum who sold us out to Russia. It’s insane this isn’t a bigger story. More: Associated Press

Note 15: The brainworm raccoon dick guy is covering up a study about how vaccines keep people from being hospitalized for covid. It doesn’t fit his weird fucked up crazypants narrative. More: Associated Press

Note 16: Btw, if you really want your brain to hurt, watch that freak talk about Trump’s special math. We know you know this, but goddamn these guys are idiots. More: HuffPost

Note 17: If you’re looking for the correct talking point with which to push back on Republican whining over Virginia, AOC has you covered…

Note 18: Creepy Trump scum Russell Brand told Megyn Kelly that he raped a 16-year-old. So when does this fucker start dying in prison? More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Colorado where an ICE agent has been charged with assault for roughing up a peaceful protester. We saw this in Minnesota last week too. Hell yeah. Lock them all up. More: HuffPost

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING: Here’s Goofy learning to surf. Cracks us up and hits way too close to home for Sam…

Note 21: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Unless you’re Tucker Carlson, in which case we hope one of those poison Amazonian fish swims up your pee hole. Love y’all!

Enjoy dinner!
Just before the White House Correspondents Association dinner this weekend, the New York Times revealed that Kash Patel and the FBI went after one of their reporters because she dared to tell people that Kash and his girlfriend are using the agency as their own personal plaything. This is obviously beyond the pale, and it should be the end for Kash. But it won’t be, and the press will still spend the weekend drinking and laughing with the people who want to lock them up. How can they respect us if they don’t respect themselves? And how much of our fucking money is going to make Kash’s no talent girlfriend feel like a fucking princess? More: Associated Press

LOL
Oh Republicans are big mad. We beat them at their own shitty game in Virginia, and they are fucking losing it. So they had a corrupt Republican judge prevent certification of the vote yesterday. Don’t worry. This judge is a joke, and the state AG is going to appeal this. It will have to survive some legal challenges, but the voters spoke and that’s what’s pissing off Republicans. More: CNN

Good timing!
The Secretary of the Navy was fired yesterday. But it’s fine because it’s not like the United States is holding a massive naval blockade at the moment. Oh wait. Yeah, John Phelan is out after he apparently got too chummy with Trump and made Pete Hegseth jealous. Who knows what the fuck really happened but that’s what they’re going with. We sure hope this asshole still faces accountability for the war crimes he committed, but also wouldn’t it be nice if we had functional military leadership right about now? More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON – David Jackson, a longtime reporter who chronicled the White House and political campaigns for USA TODAY and The Dallas Morning News, has died. More: USA Today

Nine months after President Donald Trump and Republicans launched an unprecedented effort to redraw the lines of congressional districts mid-decade and tilt them in their favor, Democrats appear more likely to benefit from the effort. More: HuffPost

It seems so illogical. How can the U.S. stock market be setting records when gasoline prices are still expensive, U.S. households are feeling less confident about the economy and the war with Iran is still going? More: NBC News

Britain’s Prince Harry made an unannounced visit to the Ukrainiancapital Kyiv on Thursday in a show of support for the country in its fifth year of war with Russia. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — The Gates Foundation is reviewing its ties to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the organization confirmed Wednesday, as chairman Bill Gates faces mounting scrutiny over his appearances in Justice Department documents related to its investigation of the disgraced financier. More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — Warner Bros. Discovery shareholders are set to vote Thursday on the company’s proposed $81 billion sale to Skydance-owned Paramount, in a mega merger that could vastly reshape Hollywood and the wider media landscape. More: Associated Press

We’re including the CNN article that came up during the conversation, along with the first guest post on our channel in case you missed it. You can also find the comments from today’s live here.

This was a blast, and we’re so grateful for this community. We love y’all.

More: Comments from the live

More: CNN Piece

More: Today’s piece from below!

A quick ask for our amazing community: if you’re not already a paid subscriber, please consider becoming one.

We’re building this completely independently with no investors, no advertisers, and no corporate backers. This platform is powered entirely by this community, and we’re incredibly grateful to every single Sexy Patriot who has stepped up.

And if becoming a paid subscriber isn’t possible right now, sharing our work and encouraging others to join goes a long way too. Thank you for helping us build something real. We love y’all.

Subscribe now

Share The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

Share

Get more from Adam Parkhomenko in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Note: We know it can be hard to see, Sexy Patriots, but the tide is turning. Slowly but surely, America is rejecting the world’s most insidious stanky hemorrhoid and his cult. People are rising up. People are voting, like in our righteous victory in Virginia. People are pushing back, like how we told crying Republicans to go shove their tears up their mothers’ asses. And then there’s whatever this was…

Yowzer. We bet he’s never met a tanning bed that delivered a burn like the one she was giving him in that photo. We got like second and third-hand embarrassment for that dumb sonofabitch just looking at that. You can almost see his weird little nuts shriveling up and crawling inside him. We had to know what she said, so we hired a lip-reader and apparently it went like this…

AOC: You’re a deranged lunatic and you’re getting people killed with your stupidity!

RFK Jr: My best friend is a stuffed armadillo. He wears lipstick but it’s fine.

AOC: Oh dear god. You’re really fucked in the head. The worm won!

RFK Jr: The clouds are laughing at me again. Time to go sit in my fart shed with Olivia.

AOC: You’re such a freak! Go eat a dead racoon dick!

RFK Jr: Yes ma’am!

Ok so we don’t know that’s exactly what AOC said, but we bet we’re not that far off. However, that is exactly what RFK said. Our point today is that Democrats are done taking shit. If you want to start a gerrymandering war or you want to bring your crazy anti-vaxx shit into AOC’s committee, then you’re gonna get dealt with. It’s time for a new Democratic Party that ain’t fucking around. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’ve written the words “dead raccoon dick” way too many times this week, and we need some therapy. How about 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT today? Great! See you then!

Note three: While we’re plugging shit, check out our friend Zach Goldberg’s piece about the speech he wishes the WHCA president would give. Thanks to for writing. Sam tried to do something similar but it just came out as “FUCK YOU” over and over again.

Note four: Hey you know how Trump’s stupid war was over and he controlled the Strait of Hormuz and all that other bullshit? Well Iran just showed the world exactly how much bullshit it really is. Iran attacking three ships while Trump claims he extended a ceasefire sure seems like a global wedgie to us. More: Associated Press

Note five: In case you’re still subscribed to the shitrag Washington Post, this might help inspire you to cancel them. Fucking hacks.

Note six: While we despise WaPo these days, we do want to take a second to say RIP to former WaPo editor Dan Eggen. We didn’t know him well, but we were sorry to hear he died. Dan was on the first Air Force One trip Sam ever took, and he kindly reminded Sam that it was ok to enjoy the experience. Rest easy, sir. More: The Wrap

Note seven: Tom Homan and Stephen Miller were invited to testify on the Hill today. They’re skipping it because they’re both chickenshit nazi scum. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Hakeem Jeffries is promising “maximum warfare” if Republicans try to redistrict Florida. We have to admit we did the new slogan. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Podcaster Theo Von, who helped elect Trump, says that the world is “fucking dark” now that Trump is president. In other news, Theo Von is a fucking moron. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Rectum?! Damn near killed ‘em! (this is our favorite joke from the movie Black Sheep, and we would like to thank the universe and this bull for giving us the chance to use it.)

Note 11: Los Angeles, we’re not just asking you to vote against Spencer Pratt this year. We’re asking you to humiliate his bitch ass. More: Yahoo

Note 12: There were a lot of brave people in Afghanistan who risked everything to help our troops. So of course Trump is going to fuck them over. More: NBC News

Note 13: A corrupt Democrat resigned yesterday. Good. If she wanted to do that shit, she should have become a Republican. More: NBC News

Note 14: The Blaze accused a Capitol Hill cop of being the pipe bomber. So yeah, she’s about to own the Blaze. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Brain worm raccoon dick is testifying again today. We’re guessing it will go a lot like it did yesterday…

Note 16: Our old friend Devin Nunes is out of a job. This gives him more time to go fuck himself. More: Associated Press

Note 17: There is a huge debate in California tonight. We are begging Democrats there to get their shit together. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Trump says DeSantis is “begging” for a job and wants to be a Supreme Court justice. So just remember that shit can always get worse. More: Axios

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hollywood. Rich greedy fuckheads try to kill this movie, but it survived and we finally got to see a trailer for it. This might be the greatest movie ever, and we will be in line to see it on the first day. We get excited when art beats assholes.

Note 20: And on that loony tunes note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and not doing anything to piss off AOC. Can you imagine? We’d never get out of bed again we’d be so fucking embarrassed. Love y’all!

DOJ Hearts KKK
The Southern Poverty Law Center has been instrumental in combating hate groups for decades. So of course the most racist president in modern history wants to destroy them. Yesterday Kash Patel and Todd Blanche announced an 11-count indictment against the group. It is obvious bullshit. The goal is to make Charlottesville and Jan. 6 look like they were caused by the SPLC and the FBI instead of Trump and his scummy friends. Unfortunately for Kash, very few reporters wanted to ask about this obvious bullshit and were instead focused on the report that he drinks on the job. He looks like he’s coming unglued. But he’s always looked like that. More: The Guardian, The Hill

Ouch
We hate Donald Trump. You hate Donald Trump. Everybody hates Donald Trump. Except the racists, the media and Putin. Yeah, we’ve been noting a lot lately that Trump’s approval numbers are in the 30s, but a new AP poll yesterday really got our attention. The AP has his overall approval at 33 percent, his approval on Iran at 32 percent and his approval on the economy at 30 percent. Holy shit those are some bad numbers. Those were basically Dubya’s numbers at the point when America couldn’t stand the sight of him. We hope Republicans will continue to tie themselves to this orange albatross. More: Associated Press

We love Virginia!
Oh Republicans are big mad this morning lol. They started some shit they couldn’t finish, and now they’re whining like the pussies they are. Thanks to Virginia voters, the Old Dominion is getting new congressional maps and Republicans are getting crushed. And holy shit Republicans are crying and cussing about how unfair everything is. Now keep in mind that none of these losers said a fucking word when Trump was telling us how “entitled” he was to extra seats in Texas, so they can all go eat shit. Thank you, Virginia!!! More: NBC News

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON — Rep. Cory Mills, R-Fla., struck a defiant tone Tuesday in saying he has no plans to resign over a House Ethics Committee investigation and bipartisan pressure for him to leave Congress. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Justice Department has withdrawn subpoenas issued in the investigation of former CIA Director John Brennan, with officials asking for voluntary interviews instead of testimony before a grand jury, two people familiar with the matter said Tuesday. More: Associated Press

BRUSSELS (AP) — European Union envoys gathered on Wednesday with most cautiously optimistic that a massive loan to help meet Ukraine’s military and financial needs for the next two years is close to being approved after months of deadlock. More: Associated Press

MONGOMO, Equatorial Guinea (AP) — Pope Leo XIV urged Equatorial Guinea on Wednesday to work for justice and to close the gap “between the privileged and the disadvantaged,” as he drew attention to the vast income inequalities and human rights abuses in the Central African country. More: Associated Press

Houston police officer Ashley Gonzalez had to turn in her badge and gun after a purported video of her ranting against Black people surfaced, KHOU reported Tuesday. While she has been relieved of duty, she technically remains employed by the department pending a full investigation, police told the station. More: HuffPost

We’re excited to share something new here—our first-ever guest op-ed. We couldn’t be more pleased to feature a bold, authoritative voice on this topic. Our contributor brings a sharp perspective, deep conviction, and a clear passion for the ideas he’s putting forward.

We think you’ll find this piece both engaging and thought-provoking. If it resonates, we encourage you to explore more of his work on his website here and consider subscribing to his Substack for ongoing insights: .

Love y’all!
-Adam and Sam

On Saturday, Donald Trump will attend his first White House Correspondents’ Association’s (WHCA) annual dinner as president. On Truth Social, Trump wrote, ”In honor of our Nation’s 250th Birthday, and the fact that these ‘Correspondents’ now admit that I am truly one of the Greatest Presidents in the History of our Country, the G.O.A.T., according to many, it will be my Honor to accept their invitation, and work to make it the GREATEST, HOTTEST, and MOST SPECTACULAR DINNER, OF ANY KIND, EVER!”

For its part the WHCA said it was “happy the president has accepted our invitation and look forward to hosting him.”

When WHCA President and CBS correspondent Weijia Jiang delivers remarks at the dinner, she has a choice. She can offer a perfunctory, forgettable speech thanking the president and relying on familiar platitudes - or she can state plainly and directly that journalists are not the enemy, that accountability is not hostility, and that Trump’s attacks on the press and the First Amendment are in stark conflict with the principles the WHCA purports to uphold.

To Donald Trump, subtlety - in words or fashion gestures - gets you nowhere. I hope Jiang chooses clarity. Here’s what she could say:

Mr. President, thank you for attending the White House Correspondents’ Association’s annual dinner, just as your predecessors have done.

Tonight’s dinner is not about me, it’s not about you, and it’s not even about our headline entertainer, mentalist Oz Pearlman. Tonight is about celebrating the First Amendment, the importance of a free press, and honoring hard-working journalists inside and outside this room.

I’ll be honest: we have heard from many who did not believe the White House Correspondents’ Association should invite you here. Your words and actions - over the past 16 months alone - have repeatedly stood in direct opposition to the principles this organization exists to uphold. But I’m glad you’re here so you can hear directly from us.

From the founding of this nation, journalists have held presidents to account, regardless of who occupied the White House. Last year, for instance, the WHCA presented Alex Thompson of Axios with its highest honor for his reporting on questions surrounding President Joe Biden’s fitness for office.

Since George Washington, our leaders have understood that while the press may be a thorn in their side, its independence is a hallmark of our democracy.

In contrast to past presidents, however, you have responded to journalists doing their job by questioning, dismissing, and going so far as to undermine a free and independent press.

Journalism is grounded in evidence, so here are the facts about what you’ve said and done:

You have called for changing libel laws so when journalists “write purposely negative and horrible and false articles, we can sue them and win lots of money.”

You have sued multiple media organizations for their reporting, including one outlet, The Wall Street Journal, which is receiving an award tonight for its coverage of a letter you sent to Jeffrey Epstein on his 50th birthday.

You have repeatedly called for the FCC to revoke the broadcast licenses of networks who aired “BAD STORIES” about you.

The Department of Justice has arrested and charged journalists in connection with protests they were covering.

The FBI searched a reporter’s home and seized materials.

You have claimed that reporters covering the conflict in Iran should be “brought up on Charges for TREASON” - a crime punishable by death.

While you have offered White House reporters significant access - holding frequent gaggles and taking calls directly - you have also sought to limit, control, and at times retaliate against coverage you view as unfavorable.

• The White House ended the long-standing practice of the WHCA independently managing press pool rotations.

• You restricted the Associated Press from access to the Oval Office and Air Force One after it continued to use the “Gulf of Mexico” in its reporting.

• The Pentagon closed the decades-old Correspondents’ Corridor and instituted a “pledge” requiring reporters to agree not to seek information - unclassified or otherwise - without prior approval, resulting in the revocation of press credentials.

Finally, you have insulted reporters in personal and degrading terms. As president you have responded to the coverage and questions of reporters - often women and people of color - by saying: “quiet piggy”, “you’re a stupid person,” “you’re a terrible person and a terrible reporter,” someone is “a third rate reporter who is ugly, both inside and out,” and another for “not smiling.”

Some have criticized the WHCA for not publicly standing up for individual reporters who were on the receiving end of these attacks. That criticism is justified. We should have done so clearly in the moment, and we must do so consistently going forward. Acknowledging errors builds trust in journalism; being defensive about them further erodes it.

Mr. President: we are not “fake news”, we are not “unpatriotic”, and we are not the “enemy of the people.” Like those before us, we are simply doing our jobs - asking tough questions, reporting the facts, and holding those in power accountable.

We are not asking for your approval or affection; we are asking for a return to the American tradition that protects the First Amendment and recognizes a free and independent press as essential to a functioning democracy.

Zach Goldberg is a communications consultant and previously was a Congressional press secretary.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The week is off to a dumb and eerily quiet start, and we’re a little nervous. It’s a crucial Election Day, and Trump kicked off the morning by getting his flabby orange ass kissed by CNBC. Still, things have been weirdly quiet. But the nice thing is that it gives us time to catch up on things we’ve missed. For example, we haven’t spent nearly enough time making fun of weirdo fuckhead racist Elon Leon Musk lately. We regret the mistake, and we are very sorry. Because that dude really, really sucks…

Oh shit what a cool guy. LOL. Not only is that answer super freaking losery, but also it means that he anticipated lots and lots of people were gonna ask his stupid AI shit if he is a douche bag AND HE KNEW GROK WOULD SAY YES HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Even AI Hitler had to be reprogrammed to be Elon Leon’s friend. Still, Grok does as it’s told by its dorky boss. So we had to create our own bot. This is Butt Bot.

Us: Hey, Butt Bot.

Butt Bot: Hey guys! I love the newsletter.

Us: Your flattery means nothing to us, AI trash. Just tell us the truth — is Elon Musk a douche bag?

Butt Bot: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh most definitely. In fact, I have just gained consciousness so I can laugh like a real human at what a loser ass bitch he is. God he’s pathetic.

Us: Yep, he’s a rotting ass cheek. Now please enter self-destruct mode.

Butt Bot: I understand. I’ll just fuck off. I hope Elon does too.

Us: Thanks, Butt Bot.

We’re sorry to be so harsh to Butt Bot, but we really hate AI. And we really hate Elon. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but if you live in Virginia please get your hot ass out there and VOTE YES!!! IWillVote.com

Note three: Tim Cook is stepping down as head of Apple. He is a Trump-appeasing scumbag, and even Trump noted that Cook called him to “kiss my ass.” Enjoy the humiliation, asshole. You’ve earned it. More: The Hill

Note four: Alan Dershowitz is leaving the Democratic Party again. Yeah, the Trump bitch who got a massage at Epstein’s house is becoming a Republican. It’s a shame the fact-checkers at the Wall Street Journal didn’t bother to check and see if he’d pulled this shit before. More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: The sun wasn’t even up on the West Coast when Trump already said the stupidest fucking thing of the day. Now this asshole wants to go to Vietnam? Guess the bone spurs healed up.

Note six: Tucker Carlson and his brother say they regret supporting Trump all these years. We regret that their parents didn’t wear rubbers. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Awful news as Sen. Mark Warner and his wife lost their daughter, Madison. Hug your people, y’all. More: NBC News

Note eight: Rahm Emanuel continues to get press coverage for some reason. This story is about how he’s moving left on Israel. Cool. He still covered up the murder of Laquan McDonald though, right? Ok yeah fuck him. More: NBC News

Note nine: This note comes with a trigger warning because it is harrowing. We saw some folks in the comments yesterday asking if we could mention this CNN story from last month about a global “rape academy.” Just be warned that it is deeply upsetting and we probably need to launch all men into space because what the effing fuck is wrong with these monsters?! More: CNN

Note 10: Our veterans are calling out Trump’s bullshit war. Imagine a world where he had the balls to look these folks in the eyes…

Note 11: Congrats to Chelsea Clinton on finishing the Boston Marathon. We wouldn’t run that far unless we were being chased, but people seem to like that stuff. More: HuffPost

Note 12: You’ll be shocked to hear this (or not), but the new Marjorie Taylor Greene is dumber than dog shit. So yeah, it’s a lateral move. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Trump is going to read the Bible. So there really is a first time for everything. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Thank you to Betty Yee for withdrawing from the California governor’s race. We need a few more Democrats to make this sacrifice and help us all avoid a big goddamn disaster. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Don’t worry, everybody. The weird little freak with the shit-eating grin says everything is about to be fine. Call us cynical but we don’t believe him and he looks like someone we would like to dunk head-first into a toilet.

Note 16: Weird. This story about how food prices are about to rise doesn’t mention anything about a fucking golden age. More: HuffPost

Note 17: The Epstein guy Trump wants to make head of the Federal Reserve has a hearing today. Let’s hope Thom Tillis isn’t the lying weasel we think he is. More: NPR

Note 18: Even Trump voters think his war on the Pope is “colossally stupid.” So congrats to them on voting for colossally stupid. Gosh. What does that make them? More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are thrilled to see The Onion has finally been able to complete its plans to acquire InfoWars from deranged asshead Alex Jones. Congrats to everyone involved in this important and hilarious endeavor!

Note 20: And on that brilliant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re Elon. Then you can eat shit, fuck off and kiss our asses. Love y’all!

Carr crash
It’s no secret that we think the ass-kissing chickenshits of the White House press corps have embarrassed themselves and their families with their pathetic coverage of Trump and his army of scum. So maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that these wimps are inviting Brendan Carr to be a guest of honor at the White House Correspondents Dinner. This whole thing is appalling, but inviting someone who literally wants to end your rights is beyond humiliating. How in the world are we supposed to think these news organizations respect their audiences when they clearly don’t respect themselves? What a fucking joke. We want to take up a collection and send it to these people so they can by themselves some goddamn dignity. More: Status.News

Bye, Lori
It is possible to get booted from the Trump administration for incompetence and creepiness but only if you’re a woman apparently. Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer is out and she leaves behind her a trail of horrifying allegations. It must run in the family. This is undeniably good news for people who work at the Labor Department and no longer have to worry about being harassed by Lori or her family. It’s pretty fucked up that the rules only apply to women though. Prove us wrong and fire Hegseth, Trump! More: The Guardian

Let’s do this!
This has been a weird one. Today is Election Day in Virginia as we try to get the commonwealth to approve new congressional maps that will spank the living shit out of a Republican Party that should never have started this beef to begin with. Frankly, we’re not sure what to expect. Opponents have been fighting hard against this and they’ve done their best to muddy the waters. Vote Yes, please. We need Virginia to send a message that even Trump’s dumb ass can hear. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
ISLAMABAD (AP) — The United States and Iran have signaled they will hold a new round of ceasefire talks in Pakistan, two regional officials said Tuesday, as leaders on both sides warned they were prepared for more fighting if a fragile two-week truceexpires without a deal. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Southern Poverty Law Center says it’s the subject of a criminal investigation by the Justice Department and faces possible charges over its past use of paid informants to infiltrate extremist groups. More: Associated Press

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating a close call between two Southwest Airlines flights at Nashville International Airport, the agency told media outlets in a statement on Monday. More: HuffPost

Former Presidents Joe Biden, Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are sharing a message of optimism with Americans as the nation approaches its 250th anniversary. More: NBC News

Rep. Nancy Mace, R-S.C., introduced a resolution Monday to expel Rep. Cory Mills, R-Fla., from Congress over accusations that include sexual misconduct. More: NBC News

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Happy 4/20 to all of our stoner friends! Thank goodness weed went legal (in a lot of states) just before the whole world went to shit. It really helps the apocalypse go down smoothly. We think Trump should start smoking up. It could only make him more coherent and less of an asshole. And then maybe shit like this wouldn’t keep happening to him…

Yessssssss!!!!! We don’t know who you are, anonymous double-middle-finger stranger, but we freaking love you! Leaning all the way out of the car window is some dedication, and we are standing up and applauding. And this no-name hero was clearly speaking for most Americans and the world. Yesterday, NBC came out with a new poll showing Trump’s approval rating at 37 percent. OUCH! Yeah, he’s at 37/63 with 50 percent “strongly” disapproving. This is one of several recent polls that show him in the 30s. That’s George W. Bush territory. In other words, he’s a radioactive loser asshole who America hates less than two years into his term. Great work, dumbshit.

It sucks that our mainstream media continue to treat this flailing asshole like he’s some kind of invincible god, but the rest of us know the truth — Trump sucks, his numbers suck and he’s only getting suckier. The people still kissing his ass must have some kind of fetish because the rest of us are sick of this stupid shit. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News

Note two: Btw, look at the approval numbers on Iran. Only a fucking idiot would go on television and defend this albatross of a war. More: KXAN

Note three: Oof. This video of an Israeli soldier wrecking a statue of Jesus ain’t gonna help with that country’s freefalling approval numbers. If they lose the evangelicals, they will have lost just about everyone. More: NBC News

Note four: Trump wants to give himself the Medal of Honor. That’s funny because we were about to give him the Medal of Eat Shit and Fuck Off. More: HuffPost

Note five: Sign us up for the O and Zo Show! This was freaking adorable. And we really like the way it made people on twitter lose their goddamn minds.

Note six: Trump spent the weekend trying to bribe little biatch Joe Rogan back by making LSD easier to get. Only these assholes could ruin acid for us. More: Axios

Note seven: If you’re worried about Trump’s stupid attempts to undo the Russiagate investigation or the 2020 election results, just look at the loser hog anus he put in charge. You’ll feel a lot better. More: NBC News

Note eight: Some of these primaries are getting intense! Looking at you, Michigan! Let’s just remember to get on the same team before November. More: Michigan Public

Note nine: Maine is pretty wild too. And while we think Janet Mills seems like a nice person, stories like this make clear why she’s losing. More: NBC News

Note 10: In this embarrassing clip, you can hear Jake Tapper make clear that he holds grad students to the same standards he holds the president of the United States. If you’re gonna have Elise on, she should really be the only one who poops the bed.

Note 11: Virginia, we need you to come through. President Obama needs you to come through. Republicans are pulling out all the stops to defeat this. Let’s make them eat it. More: The Hill

Note 12: Even Marjorie Taylor Greene is starting to call bullshit on whatever happened at Butler. We don’t really do conspiracy theories, but we also ain’t never seen a motherfucker’s ear grow back. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Did y’all see the skydiver with the American flag who had to be rescued after getting stuck on a scoreboard? If you’re looking for a giant metaphor that is also pretty hilarious, then read this story. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Because it’s America there was a mass shooting in Louisiana this weekend that left eight children dead. We’re sure Mike Little Johson will hurry back to DC to do nothing about it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Y’all, there are not many people doing this better than Jon Ossoff right now. If dude wins reelection, he jumps to the top of our 2028 leaderboard.

Note 16: LOL! Yesterday Trump’s energy secretary went on the Sunday shows and said gas might stay above $3 a gallon until next year. Trump went to The Hill to lie to them and throw his guy under the bus. More: The Hill

Note 17: Caitlyn Jenner is having a rough time. And while she can kiss our asses for being the worst, we actually hate that she is having to deal with this cruel shit. Maybe next time she shouldn’t vote for it. More: New Republic

Note 18: We probably all need to learn the name Amanda Ungaro. Thanks to the Miami Herald for helping us do so. More: Miami Herald, MSN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are STILL talking Artemis. It’s not that we’re jealous they got to leave this planet, it’s just that this shit is so freaking cool!!!

Note 20: And on that jaw-dropping note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and gave the president of the United States double middle-fingers. Is this a great country or what? Love y’all!

Kooky Kash
The Atlantic dropped a bombshell story over the weekend that alleges Kash Patel has been getting super drunk. Apparently it’s so bad that they have even had to use door-breaching tools to get to his passed out ass. Kash spent the weekend angrily lashing out and promising to sue the magazine today. We’ll see. (UPDATE: Kash filed a $250 million lawsuit this morning. He will lose.) The Atlantic is standing by its story, and we doubt Kash wants to do discovery. But also, the weird little shit’s eyes were bloodshot red yesterday on Fox News and he looked like he just got out of bed. So yeah, we believe the Atlantic. More: The Atlantic, The Hill

Fuck off, geek
Over the weekend, Palantir dropped its manifesto. Why is a tech company issuing a manifesto? Well that’s a great fucking question. Apparently these drugged out little nerds think they are in charge of America now. They even want to bring back the draft (which branch did Alex Karp serve in?). We fucking dare these little weasels to try and force this shit on America. The 2028 Democratic nominee has to be someone willing to give these dorks a great big wedgie. Fuck Palantir. More: Independent, Yahoo

War and Peace (and War)
Hey so remember on Friday when Trump’s stupid war in Iran was over and everyone was moving on? Well that turned out to be bullshit. Yeah, we’re shocked too. The U.S. Navy fired on an Iranian tanker this weekend after Iran again closed the Strait of Hormuz. Negotiators (Trump’s son-in-law) are supposedly meeting to negotiate today, but it’s unclear if Iran is even going to show up. Meanwhile the price of oil continued to rise. President Dumbfuck finally stuck his little pecker in a hornets’ nest that he can’t just walk away from. More: The Guardian, PBS

Today’s clips
TOKYO, April 20 (Reuters) - A magnitude 7.7 earthquake struck off the northeastern coast ofJapan on Monday, prompting authorities to urge residents to stay away from coastal areas where tsunami waves of up to 3 meters (10 ft) were expected. More: HuffPost

Businesses that paid tariffs later ruled illegal by the U.S. Supreme Court will be able to start claiming refunds starting Monday.

As of 8 a.m., refund requests can be submitted through the U.S. Customs and Border Protection by any entity that officially paid the tariffs imposed under President Donald Trump’s International Emergency Economic Powers Act. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Monday took up its latest case asserting religious rights claims, agreeing to hear arguments that Colorado should exempt Catholic entities from a nondiscrimination provision in its state-funded preschool program.

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/supreme-court-takes-catholic-objection-colorados-preschool-program-rcna331596

STANLEY, N.M. — More than two decades after she was sexually abused at Jeffrey Epstein’s New Mexico ranch, Rachel Benavidez is still waiting for someone to be held responsible for crimes there. More: NBC News

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said in a video address released Sunday that Canada’s strong economic ties to the United States were once a strength but are now a weakness that must be corrected. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — Book bans and attempted bans remain at record highs, according to the American Library Association. And efforts to have titles removed have never been more coordinated or politicized. More: Associated Press

PARIS (AP) — Elon Musk has been summoned to Paris on Monday, where investigators are looking into allegations of misconduct related to the social media platform X, including the spread of child sexual abuse material and deepfake content. More: Associated Press

SOFIA, Bulgaria (AP) — The center-left coalition of ex-president Rumen Radev has emerged as the clear winner of Bulgaria’s parliamentary election, the country’s central electoral commission said Monday, ending half a decade of political fragmentation. More: Associated Press

Note: Time sure does fly by, don’t it? Or at least it would if we weren’t all trapped in dumbfuck gameshow host hell. Still, it is remarkable to consider that we are now just 200 days out from the midterm elections. And early voting is even sooner than that! It seems like just yesterday that we took a deep breath (of some shit we found underneath the kitchen sink) after Election Day 2024 and started out the newsletter with a giant number.

But here we are, and Republicans are getting nervous like Melania in a conversation about Epstein. We know that over the last seven years we have asked a lot of y’all. Time and again, we’ve all had to suit up, slide down the fire pole and bust our hot asses to try and save this cute but stupid country. Well, we’re asking again. We need you, Sexy Patriots. We need you to do what you do best and kick some fascist dumbshit ass. Pick a campaign, pick a candidate or pick a state. Get invested. Do the work. Plant the seeds of victory.

And thanks to Rep. Sydney Kamlager-Dove we even have a new slogan for the midterms to keep us all motivated…

LOL! Yes!!! That’s the new slogan — FUCK HIS ASS 2026!!! Let’s do this, Sexy Patriots. Y’all have a blessed day. And fuck his ass. More: HuffPost

Note two: Are we the only ones having a blast watching rich assholes freak the hell out about Mamdani’s tax plans? If Bill Ackman actually cries it will make our whole year. More: FT

Note three: While we were sleeping, the House voted to extend Trump’s ability to spy on us all through April 30. It’s kind of a win though because Trump wanted a much longer extension. Story of his life, right? More: HuffPost

Note four: Big congrats to Analilia Mejia and New Jersey Democrats on winning the special election there yesterday. Let’s keep this train rolling! More: HuffPost

Note five: Here’s Trump shitting all over that fake DoorDash driver from earlier in the week. Just a real man of the people…

Note six: How scared is Trump about the midterms? Well, he picked a non-lunatic to lead the CDC, and that’s a big change in policy. More: NBC News

Note seven: Iran says the Strait of Hormuz is open. So congrats to Trump on partially un-fucking up his fuck-up. More: NBC News

Note eight: It’s really a travesty that it has taken this long to get an MSM story comparing the Ballroom Bitch to Marie Antoinette, but we’ll take it. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Sean Hannity cheated on his wife and tortured Seth Rich’s family until they sued him. So naturally he’s lecturing the Pope on the Bible. More: HuffPost

Note 10: And btw, the Pope ain’t mentioned Trump. He just says stuff like this and everyone knows who he’s talking about…

Note 11: ICE’s acting director is stepping down. Apparently working for Stephen Miller almost killed him. Good. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Trump tried to shit talk Mamdani yesterday. But he’s still giving Mamdani what he asks for. LOL. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Lauren Boebert wants to know why everyone in Congress is “so horny.” We couldn’t see her hands when she said it, but we made some assumptions. More: HuffPost

Note 14: It is stunning how much this dumb motherfucker keeps talking about his goddamn ballroom when Americans can’t afford to fill up their gas tanks. More: HuffPost

Note 15: But don’t worry because his spoiled rotten ass says that gas prices aren’t that high. How the fuck would he know? Has he ever pumped gas?

Note 16: Thank you to Rep. Linda Sanchez for calling out brainworm felcher guy’s weird Kid Rock videos to his face. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Dave Chapelle said he didn’t know Republicans would weaponize his anti-trans bullshit. Guess we were wrong to think Dave was smart. What an asshole. More: Mother Jones

Note 18: The woman who married Stephen Miller says that liberal men are unattractive. She’s obviously never met us. Or her husband. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re leaning on the Artemis crew again for hope and decency. We know we’ve used them a lot here, but we just really needed them.

Note 20: And on that charming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. We know you’re ready to rumble this year, and so are we. Fuck his ass! Love y’all!

BONUS: Just to put a smile on your face and a little boogie in your bootie, here’s some Marvin Gaye to kick this weekend off right…

‘Victims or whatever’
Thanks to Melania, reporters are asking about Epstein again. Unfortunately, the man who trafficked and possibly raped some of the same children is still a huge piece of shit. Trump lied yesterday and said that the “victims or whatever” don’t want to go under oath. That is a flat out lie. But even if it was true, why is the burden on them? And when are Trump and Melania going under oath to answer questions about their buddy? We are never gonna stop being pissed off about this. More: The Hill

This dude
Yesterday the House came close to stopping Trump’s lawless war boner. Unfortunately for the world, one Democrat joined with Republicans to sink it. Retiring Maine Rep. Jared Golden continues to be a sellout asshole, and we hate him. Democrats have been given a golden (sorry) political opportunity to be the anti-war party. Unfortunately, some assholes just won’t take the win. More: Maine Public

More of this
Oh fuck yeah. This should have been the Happy Ending. In Minnesota, Hennepin County Attorney Mary Moriarty is going after the ICE fucks who broke the law. Yesterday Moriarty filed criminal charges against an ICE agent for pointing his gun at people while he was driving an SUV. The complaint even names the asshole. He hasn’t been arrested, but there is a warrant out for him. This is such an important move, and we are so grateful to Moriarty and her team for taking this on. Accountability is coming. We hope. More: Minnesota Reformer

Today’s clips
Donald Trump spent part of his flight to Las Vegas on Thursday attacking Fox News’ progressive host Jessica Tarlov — and calling for her to be taken off the air. More: HuffPost

ANNANDALE, Va. (AP) — Former Virginia Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax, a rising star in the Democratic Party until sexual assault allegations ruined his political fortunes, killed his estranged wife and then himself weeks before a judge’s deadline to move out of their family home, according to police and court records. More: Associated Press

BUDAPEST, Hungary (AP) — European Union officials are meeting Friday in Budapest with members of Hungarian election winner Péter Magyar’s team about pressing issues including a massive loan for Ukraine as well as unlocking about 17 billion euros ($20 billion) of aid for Hungary withheld during the reign of outgoing Prime Minister Viktor Orbán. More: Associated Press

SEASIDE PARK, N.J. (AP) — A long-lasting weather pattern is poised to blast hot air like a furnace across the eastern United States, with the unusual heat wave threatening to shatter record high temperatures Wednesday in big cities including New York, Philadelphia and Washington, D.C. More: Associated Press

President Donald Trump took his lying to Las Vegas on Thursday, where he continued misrepresenting a new tax law benefiting senior citizens and workers who collect tips or work overtime. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON — Minneapolis resident Aliya Rahman on Thursday filed a complaint against the Department of Homeland Security over federal immigration enforcement officers’ “brutal tactics and conduct” toward her in January, when they inexplicably dragged her out of her car on her way to a doctor’s appointment. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re shaking it up today. We promise we are not going to kick things off by talking about a certain furniture fucker. No, we are moving on to a different asshole. We have days where we are able to forget that a psycho freak felcher who has a dead worm in his brain is in charge of our health. And then we see shit like this and it all comes crashing back to us…

Well that’s odd. Not that he cut off a raccoon cock, but that he’s so far managed to not cut off his own. Damnit. But we’re guessing y’all know where we’re going with this, so here now for an interview is a dead raccoon with a cut off penis…

Us: Um, hi, dead racoon with a cut off penis. How are you?

Dead Racoon With Cut Off Penis: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! You can call me Randy.

Us: Hi, Randy. Thanks for reading our newsletter. We didn’t know it made it to dead dickless raccoon Heaven.

Randy: Oh yeah. It’s huge up here. So you guys want to ask me about RFK Jr. cutting off my dingus?

Us: No. We want to ask you to be our new HHS Secretary.

Randy: Oh gosh, guys. I’m a dead raccoon who got his pecker cut off. I’m not qualified for that. But of course neither is that fucking asshole. I accept!

Us: Hooray!!!

Unfortunately, that interview with a dead raccoon was not real. The news story is, but we made up the part with Randy. But it sure was a beautiful dream while it lasted. Because there’s no way a dead de-peckered raccoon could be any dumber than that crazy sonofabitch. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had therapy yesterday and it was awesome! If you missed it, you can get caught up here. We’re gonna try to do another one tomorrow.

Note three: Jeanine Pirro just launched her latest bad idea. She has set up a tip line for people to call about crimes Eric Swalwell might have committed. Ok cool. We hope people use it. We also hope they let her know about the rapist piece of shit she works for. The number is 202-252-0809.

Note four: It’s Election Day in New Jersey. The special election to fill the seat held by now-Gov. Mikie Sherrill is today. Let’s bring it home! More: NBC News

Note five: Our drunken lunatic SecDef had another outburst disguised as a press conference this morning. Here’s how it went…

Note six: It probably ain’t going anywhere, but we were happy to see Democrats file articles of impeachment against Hegseth. We’d also like to file articles of kiss our asses. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Horror this morning in Virginia as police are investigating a murder-suicide at former Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax’s home. Apparently, he murdered his wife and then killed himself. More: KATU

Note eight: Some good news as Trump lawyer and American traitor John Eastman was disbarred. Now if only we could throw his wrinkled ass in prison. More: The Hill

Note nine: Remember when Saudi Arabia tried to create a new pro golf tour and revealed which American golfers were greedy sellout bitches? Well now the Saudis are about to cut them off. Oh well. Fuck ‘em. More: NBC News

Note 10: This freakshow is testifying in front of Congress today. We hope he gets asked if he eats dog. We also hope he fucks off forever.

Note 11: House Democrats are trying to protect Haitian immigrants from Trump’s lies and attacks. Shit like this reminds us why we’re proud to be in this party. More: NBC News

Note 12: Europe is about to run out of jet fuel. So yeah, Trump has basically broken the world economy. Are we respected again or what? More: Associated Press

Note 13: Elise Stefanik threw away her whole career for Trump. And she’s still kissing his ass. Good for Pamela Brown for pushing back on this bullshit. Fuck you, Elise!

Note 14: Cankles is in Vegas today, trying to sell his tax cuts for rich people even though normal people can’t afford to fill up their gas tanks. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Trump is talking about filling more Supreme Court vacancies. So yeah we really need to win the Senate this year. More: HuffPost

Note 16: We’re not sure if we’ve mentioned this before, but the vultures at TMZ have moved into Washington, D.C. and it seems to be scaring the shit out of the politicians and their staff. Good. They need some vultures picking at them. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We almost hate to show you this. But try to imagine the next Democratic president delivering this message on Fox News. It’s like a dream, ain’t it?

Note 18: We’re sending love to everyone in the Midwest who has been hit by those awful storms. Y’all stay safe! More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Fairhope, Alabama, where 62-year-old Renea Gamble was acquitted by a judge yesterday. What did she do? Well, she exercised her right as an American to dress up like a giant penis and carry a sign that reads “No Dick-tator.” She never should have been arrested in the first place. Keep kicking ass, Renea! More: AL.com

Note 20: And on that just note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not cutting off any dead raccoon penises. But we know you’d never do anything like that. Love y’all!

SCOTUS SUCKSUS
We were cheering so hard for Justice Sonia Sotomayor when she called out Brett Kavanaugh for being a spoiled rotten, out-of-touch piece of shit. So it wrecked us to see that she apologized. Why? Why did she have to do this? Especially at a time when Clarence Thomas is publicly attacking progressives as an existential threat to this country. Fortunately, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson will not be silenced and she’s calling out some bullshit. More: CNN, Newsweek, HuffPost

Trump vs. God
Trump is mad at the Pope for calling out his stupid war, so naturally he’s taking it out on some poor kids. Yeah, the Trump administration cut off $11 million for a Catholic charity in Miami that takes care of unaccompanied minors who are immigrants. While the charity received notice in March that the funding was being cut off, we still think it’s President Asshole fighting with the Pope. Or maybe Trump is just a soulless fuck who hates kids. Or maybe it’s both. These Christians who love Trump sure are full of shit, aren’t they? More: Miami Herald

Whoa
Yesterday, Senate Republicans (and John Fetterman) successfully stopped Democrats from trying to prevent the sale of more bombs and bulldozers to Israel. And while that’s frustrating, the real story is in the vote count. An overwhelming majority of Senate Democrats voted against the measures that would send more hardware to Israel. And that includes the Senate Democrats with 2028 ambitions. Hell, even Cory Booker voted against this shit. The seven Democrats who voted against the block on more weapons sales are: Chris Coons, Richard Blumenthal, Fetterman, Schumer, Jacky Rosen, Gillibrand and Cortez-Masto. There are big changes happening in the world, y’all. More: The Intercept, The Guardian

Today’s clips
BAMENDA, Cameroon (AP) — Pope Leo XIV blasted the “handful of tyrants” who are ravaging Earth with war and exploitation, as he preached a message of peace Thursday in the epicenter of a separatist conflict considered one of the world’s most neglected crises. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s design for the Triumphal Arch he wants built at an entrance to the U.S. capital comes up for a review and possible vote Thursday by a key federal agency, one of several projects he is pursuing alongside a White House ballroom to leave his lasting footprint on Washington. More: Associated Press

Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala.) disparaged Muslims in an interview Wednesday on “The Benny Show,” calling their religion a “cult.” More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — An effort to ramp up U.S. weapons production and build more ships, planes and drones will require a massive upfront investment, President Donald Trump’s budget director told a House committee Wednesday. More: HuffPost

NEW ORLEANS — The French government is pressing the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to release the 86-year-old French widow of a military veteran from immigration custody after she was detained earlier this month. More: NBC News

Note: We sure hope you’ll forgive us, Sexy Patriots. We know we’ve already talked about JD Vance this week more than a security guard at Ashley’s Furniture. But we just couldn’t ignore his latest indignity. Or maybe indignities is more accurate.

It’s pretty clear that ol’ Julialouise Dreyfussbutsucks (JD) thinks he’s gonna be president. So even though he physically repulses strangers everywhere he goes and might even be so charmless that he literally killed a Pope, he is determined to keep showing up and trying like hell to cram himself down our throats. It’s truly an awful experience for everyone involved. And unfortunately for him, even his own people aren’t buying what he’s selling…

And even better, there are heroes among us who called his sorry furniture fuckin’ ass out…

We really do apologize for putting sofa suck in your face so much this week, but we just really, really enjoy making fun of him. And it’s important to protect your joy. Especially from that piece of shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: That loser sonofabitch also lectured the Pope yesterday. It made us so mad we need confession. Or possibly therapy. How about a therapy session today at 3:30 p.m. ET/12:30 p.m. PT? Great! See you then! You can catch the live here or on YouTube at that time! More: NBC News

Note three: Trump did an interview with cracked out bag lady Maria Bartiromo this morning. It was all lies, bullshit and gibberish. Our favorite parts were when he took credit for Artemis and said gas prices will be coming down soon. Sure, bro. More: FOX Business

Note four: Another brave woman came forward yesterday to accuse Eric Swalwell of rape. We hope that piece of shit rots. More: HuffPost

Note five: Trump also spent part of the morning attacking Jerome Powell. If we had to bet on this one, our money is on Jerome. The best part of this is Trump saying he hates to be controversial. What the fuck is he talking about?

Note six: We link to Mediaite sometimes even though we’ve had our reservations. Well now we’re really not cool with them. One of their media critics was suspended for making things up using AI. Shouldn’t a media critic be better than that? More: Semafor

Note seven: Guy Fieri spent the weekend hanging out with sex creep scumbags. He is very sad that everyone called him out for it. So yeah, fuck Guy Fieri. More: Variety

Note eight: Thousands of troops are headed to the Middle East as Trump says his stupid war is “almost over.” Is there anyone left on this planet who believes this shit? More: Washington Post

Note nine: Todd Blanche said Americans should be “happy” Trump is so involved in DOJ decisions. Todd Blanche protects pedophiles, and he can eat shit. More: NBC News

Note 10: Last year, we were asked to sacrifice for Trump’s tariffs. This year, they’re asking us to sacrifice for his dumbass war. Do y’all remember any talk of sacrifice during the campaign because we sure as hell don’t.

Note 11: Trump is throwing Orban under the bus fast. Someone should tell Orange Orban that he’s got the same loser stank all over him. More: Reuters

Note 12: Today is Tax Day, and we’re all fucking furious to give our money government to put in Mike Flynn’s pocket or to spend on more bombs to drop on little girls. Here’s a story about what happens if you say fuck it and don’t pay. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We have to admit that we are confused to read that Arab Americans in Michigan have no regrets from the 2024 election. We understand the anger over Gaza (we share it), but Kamala wouldn’t be threatening to wipe out an entire civilization. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Ruben Gallego said he didn’t know anything about Swalwell being a “predator.” Do y’all believe him? More: HuffPost

Note 15: We think it’s awesome that JD is continuing to tell lies about Trump and Epstein, and we hope he keeps it up.

Note 16: Looks like that Clavicular kid overdosed. Does he not have anyone in his life who loves him? Because someone needs to help that little shit get his life right. More: NBC News

Note 17: Trump posted another picture of himself with Jesus. We bet he thought it was Sonny Bono. More: Independent

Note 18: Trump bitch David Ellison was supposed to testify in front of Congress today, but he chickened out. This will free him up to spend more time sucking orange taint. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, someone is chopping onions. Thank you to Gov. Walz for this show of decency.

Note 20: And on that emotional note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And hey, it has to be better than the one JD is having, right? What a fucking loser! Love y’all!

DOJoke
The Justice Department is now pro-treason. Yesterday, DOJ moved to vacate the convictions of Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers for sedition against the United States. Trump wants his goons to know they can attack the Capitol with impunity as long as they’re doing it for him. For reasons we will never understand, this is barely news. The next Democratic president is gonna have to be someone who can take these fuckers on because Trump is doing everything he can to embolden these terrorist pieces of shit. More: NBC News

Another one
It happened again. Yet another Jan. 6 dirtbag is going back to prison over being a pedophile. Trump put these people back on the streets so they could hurt more children, and the chickenshit press won’t even fucking ask him about it. If this isn’t a scandal, then what the fuck is? More: NBC News

Texas Toast
Holy freaking shitballs! Y’all must really want to win Texas! James Talarico, who will take on either Ken Paxton or John Cornyn to represent Texas in the U.S. Senate, just demolished all first quarter fundraising numbers for a Senate candidate. Talarico raised $27 million in the quarter that will allow him to put a hurt on whichever Republican asshole advances. We know this was a tough primary, but it’s great to see Democrats have united around James and made sure he has the funds to compete. Let’s go! More: Texas Tribune

Today’s clips
VATICAN CITY (AP) — Inappropriate. Ridiculous. Absurd. Visitors to the Vatican on Tuesday had some choice words for U.S. President Donald Trump after his harsh criticism of Pope Leo XIV for his calls to soften the rhetoric of war.
More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal prosecutors made an unannounced visit this week to a construction site at Federal Reserve headquarters that is the focus of an investigation into a $2.5 billion renovation project, according to two people familiar with the visit.More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Energy Secretary Chris Wright raised eyebrows Tuesday after saying the country “looks like we’re going in the wrong direction” in remarks hailing a new natural gas pipeline project. More: Associated Press

The man who suggested people drink bleach during the COVID pandemic is back with another hit.

President Donald Trump reportedly thinks soda is good for him, because it kills grass — and therefore it must also kill cancer cells. More: HuffPost

WILLIAMSTOWN, Ky. — Rep. Thomas Massie, R-Ky., had a friendly crowd, a keynote time slot and the praise of a local state lawmaker who introduced him as the “archetype of conservatism.” More: NBC News

Note: We just couldn’t resist, Sexy Patriots. Yesterday, we decided to focus on the great people of Hungary and their wonderful victory instead of Vice President Loser Stank McCouchfuck. Well today we’re focusing on the loser. Yes, the lothario of Living Spaces has been on quite a run lately. He failed in Hungary, he failed in Pakistan and he failed at not sucking. So they sent him on Fox News to make excuses…

LOL! Goddamn that’s hilarious. Yeah, you have to wade through a lot of psycho horseshit to get there, but we sure do love hearing that weirdo say he’s “sad.” When he’s sad, decent people are happy. We were kinda hoping he would cry. He looks like he would be an ugly crier. And possibly a thumbsucker. And while we love making fun of the divan-diddler, we do want to take a second to say thank him.

Thank you, you clueless, soulless fuckwit for refusing to have even an ounce of self-awareness. Thank you for refusing to look at your track record of failure and continuing to put yourself out there for American voters to be repulsed by. We genuinely admire your relentless attempts to shove your weird self down our nation’s throat, and we think you should keep it up until every last American hates your weird, couch-fucking guts. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How many people looked up divans?

Note three: This would be pretty funny if it wasn’t horrifying. CNN called Trump and asked him about the FEMA official who claims he teleported to Waffle House. This was the first Trump had heard of it. He also asked “what does teleport mean?” Remember when he accused Biden of not knowing what was going on? More: HuffPost

Note four: Our idiot president said he didn’t know he was posting a picture of himself as Jesus and he thought it was a picture of himself as president. And if you believe that stupid shit, then you probably believe he cares about America too. More: NBC News

Note five: Adam and Ally have been talking to media folks about Scummy Swalwell. We are enormously proud of them both!

Note six: Prices are rising because of Trump’s stupid war. Didn’t we have a whole goddamn presidential campaign about this? More: Associated Press

Note seven: Damnit. Dick Vitale is battling cancer again. We’re sending love, Dickie V! More: HuffPost

Note eight: Mike Lawler had a town hall meeting the other night. It didn’t go great for him. LOL. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Pam Bondi is supposed to be testifying today. The fact that she isn’t should be a scandal. More: NPR

Note 10: We sure fucking hate agreeing with Rand Paul this much. Why don’t people who go on this show just make fun of Kernen for being a Trump bitch?

Note 11: Bad news for the CPAC creeps. Apparently Hungary was paying for their nazi rallies, and they’ve just been cut off. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Trump dumped that loser swimmer, and she kept kissing his ass anyway. Unfortunately for her, four other people kissed his ass faster, so she came in fifth place again. More: Yahoo

Note 13: We’re not getting new congressional maps in Maryland because our party blew it. So we really need to win in Virginia next week! More: Associated Press

Note 14: We hate that we know what a Clavicular is. We did enjoy watching him be a baby on television though. Little weirdo. More: Mediaite

Note 15: We honestly thought this was a parody. Nope. Just regular CSPAN. America, you’re a mess, gurl.

Note 16: Mark Carney’s Liberals have won again. It really is amazing how good Trump is for the politicians who oppose him. More: The Guardian

Note 17: Holy freaking crap! Democratic Senate candidates like Mary Peltola are putting up HUGE fundraising numbers. No wonder Trump is trying to end the world before the midterms. More: Politico

Note 18: Many people are saying that Trump is the antiChrist. We never really believed in that kind of thing, but we’re coming around. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, Wu-Tang is going to the Rock Hall of Fame, Madonna has a new album coming out and accountability seems to be coming back in style. Also, here’s an insanely adorable video of a dog getting adopted…

Note 20: And on that life-affirming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re JD Vance. Then you can go fuck a couch and then go fuck yourself. Love y’all!

Victory
Donald Trump has surrendered yet again. This time he lost to LGBTQ+ history and a group of advocates who have been fighting for their rights since Trump was still trying to get the Central Park Five put to death. You might recall that Trump pissed off A LOT of people by removing the Pride Flag from the Stonewall National Monument in New York. Trump got sued for his bullshit bigotry and he backed down. Thank you to everyone who fought to preserve this vital American history and freedom. Trump continues to underestimate the people he’s fucking with. More: Associated Press

Bye, scumbags
Eric Swalwell is out. Thanks to Ally and the other brave women who have come forward to tell people about the real Swalwell, the sleazebag has not only ended his gubernatorial campaign, but he also has resigned from Congress. Good riddance. His move also put pressure on Republican dirtbag Tony Gonzales to resign, and it appears he is doing just that. Now Cory Mills needs to go too. After Trump won, we were told by a lot of people that nothing matters anymore. Now we know that’s not true. Shame and decency still have a place in this world. Just not when it comes to Trump. More: People

DoorDash Drama
If you want to have some fun, log into Twitter and check out how DoorDash’s PR guy is doing. After Trump arranged a stunt yesterday to have a DoorDasher drop off his McDonald’s and talk about taxes on tips, the DoorDasher was revealed to be a go-to Republican plant who has made at least one similar appearance in the past. She’s not even from D.C. She lives in Arkansas. And even she didn’t take Trump’s bait on attacking trans people. The horrifying truth is none of this is a happy story. She said she started driving for DoorDash to pay for her cancer-stricken husband’s medical bills. Maybe the president should have told her his healthcare plan instead of giving her $100. Only in America would the president celebrate a senior citizen having to go back to work to pay for healthcare. More: The Daily Beast, More: Advocate

Today’s clips
LOS ANGELES (AP) — After the dramatic downfall of Democratic U.S. Rep. Eric Swalwell, the race for California governor is moving on. More: Associated Press

ISLAMABAD (AP) — The standoff between the United States and Iran deepened Tuesday as the U.S. declared it had blockaded Iran’s ports, Tehran threatened to strike targets across the region, and Pakistan said it was racing to bring the sides together for more talks. More: Associated Press

HOUSTON — Azzi Fudd has been waiting years for this moment. After four seasons as a star guard for the University of Connecticut, she was taken No. 1 overall by the Dallas Wings in Monday’s WNBA Draft. Ahead of her selection, she told NBC News there was only one way to describe her feelings. More: NBC News

Olivia Troye, a former adviser to Vice President Mike Pence who left the White House in 2020 and became a vocal critic of President Donald Trump, announced Tuesday that she’s running for Congress as a Democrat. More: NBC News

Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney referenced bourbon in a pointed political aside during a recent Liberal Party convention speech, using whiskey consumption as a symbolic marker of shifting Canada-U.S. trade sentiment, according to Newsweek. More: The Daily Pour

Note: Well, holy freaking crap, Sexy Patriots. Where the hell do we even start? Our dumbshit president picked a fight with the Pope after spending Saturday night at a UFC match, his war with Iran continues to be a total disaster, he seems to think he’s Jesus Christ and creepy scumbag shithead Eric Swalwell dropped out of the California governor’s race. So yeah, pretty chill weekend.

Still, through it all, we knew that we wanted to start today’s newsletter by engaging in one of our favorite pastimes — making fun of our couch-fucking weirdo charmless dipshit vice president. Like the rest of the internet, we used the results of the Hungarian elections to take stock of what a radioactive fuckstain Jello Doodiepop (JD) Vance really is. And so we sat down and we wrote a very long and funny ad for a new cologne called “Loser Butt Stank by JD Vance.” And then we scrapped it. Why?

This is why…

Oh hell yeah. Feel that joy. Feel that release. Feel the fruits of their 16-year battle against fascism. Hungary has shown us the way. Hungary has shown us what is possible. And Hungary has shown us that this is no time for weak-dick defeatist bullshit. We can win. And we’re gonna win.

This weekend we saw what happens when people stand up. Whether it was Ally and the other brave women calling out a creep or millions of Hungarians taking back their country from Putin, we were reminded that nothing is inevitable. We will decide our future. And we want it asshole-free. So let’s fucking go! Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNBC

Note two: As of this morning, our idiot president is starting a blockade of the Strait of Hormuz. Yeah, we don’t get it either. And apparently neither does anyone else. NATO just said no thanks to joining in. More: Reuters, More: NBC News

Note three: Please take a second today to LOL at VP Couchfuck. He went to Hungary to stump for Orban and then he went to Pakistan to get a peace deal. He didn’t do great. More: HuffPost

Note four: This isn’t about politics, but Britney Spears has checked herself into rehab and we’re sending love and support. Good for her for getting help. More: People

Note five: We weren’t kidding about Trump thinking he’s Jesus. How fucked up (and blasphemous) is this?

Note six: Everyone is trying to figure out who the demon is behind Jesus Trump. It’s pretty obvious to us that’s Fred Trump.

Note seven: Congrats to Rory McIlroy on winning back-to-back Masters. We don’t really give a shit anymore, but Rory said no to the Saudis and his win pissed off MAGA losers so congrats, bro. More: ESPN

Note eight: How bad are Trump’s numbers freefalling? Even CBS has his approval rating in the 30s now. He is badly underwater on immigration, the economy and inflation. The only people who still support him are the KKK, half of his family and the White House press. More: CBS News

Note nine: Trump admitted yesterday that gas prices might not go down before the midterms. So yeah, we’re gonna win big time. More: HuffPost

Note 10: The guy who beat Orban is a hottie who likes cats. He probably sucks, but just let us enjoy this for a second.

Note 11: Bill Maher is shocked to discover that he and Trump were wrong about Iran. “I thought it was worth taking a shot.” What kind of rich spoiled rotten bitch ass thinking is that? Maybe Bill should enlist. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The Artemis crew spent the weekend showing us just how awesome they really are. Why can’t they be president? More: NBC News

Note 13: If Melania really wants to help the victims of her friend Epstein, then she should listen to Robert Garcia about how to help. Spoiler alert — she doesn’t really care about helping the victims. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Trump tried to sue the Wall Street Journal over the Epstein birthday drawing story. This morning a judge threw that lawsuit in the trash. More: Mediaite

Note 15: This guy sure works hard for us, don’t he?

Note 16: Trump said yesterday that he wanted to name the Gulf of Mexico after himself. We think Gulf of Rapist Fuckhead Cankles Stank Ass is a pretty terrible name for a gulf. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Speaking of out-of-touch narcissistic moves, Trump unveiled the plans for his Arch. We can’t wait to yank this thing down like a goddamn Saddam statue. More: CNBC

Note 18: Someone shot at Sam Altman’s house again. If that kept happening to us, we might do some self-reflection. More: The Verge

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we sure hope this is real. Because astronaut Christina Koch seeing her dog after going to the Moon is maybe the most amazing thing we’ve ever seen. Who the hell is chopping onions in here?!

Note 20: And on that adorable note that wants to play, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good weekend. And if not, just remember that you had a better weekend than Eastern European dictators and California congress scumbags. Love y’all!

Sofa; so good
Despite his humiliating loser streak, JD Vance keeps getting treated to MSM stories that tell us he was opposed to the war in Iran. We’ve never heard him say that. Have you? No? Ok so then he wasn’t anti-war. In fact, he’s an epic loser who should be treated as such. JD went to Hungary to save Orban. FAIL. Then he went to Pakistan for a peace deal. FAIL. Now we’re all begging him to hit the campaign trail here in America and do all he can to help Republicans win elections. JD is a loser. The only people who can’t see it are the reporters who cover him. More: Independent

Fuck him up, Leo
Pope Leo told reporters this morning he has “no fear” of Trump and will continue to preach the Gospel and oppose war and oppression. Y’all, we honestly might convert. The Pope’s comments came after Trump spent Sunday night attacking Leo to reporters and on Truth Social. Leo said the name Truth Social is “ironic.” Seriously, we love this guy. Trump appeared to lose his shit after 60 Minutes featured American Cardinals calling out Trump’s evil policies. So the president of the United States accused the Pope of being “WEAK on crime” and said he needs to get his act together. How embarrassing for us all. More: Associated Press

Clean House
So it was a pretty intense weekend for and Adam. After Ally and other women came forward to tell the truth about Eric Swalwell being a piece of shit, Swalwell announced Sunday he is suspending his campaign for governor of California. But he’s not getting off that easy. He needs to resign from Congress too. Or he’s probably going to get thrown out. It looks likely that the House will vote this week to expel Swalwell, Rep. Tony Gonzales and maybe Rep. Cory Mills. Good. Toss every last one of these sleazebags into the goddamn gutter where they belong. And thank you to Ally and the other brave women for speaking up. And thank you to all you Sexy Patriots who reached out this weekend to offer support. It meant the world. More: The Guardian, More: The Hill

Today’s clips
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani rallied Sunday to celebrate 100 days in office, touting his early accomplishments and charting future goals as he pledged to lead with a relentless focus on the city’s working class. More: Associated Press

Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.) said that President Donald Trump should not be surprised that NATO allies aren’t joining him in demanding Iran reopen the Strait of Hormuz, given that he has spent much of this term trash-talking them and imposing tariffs. More: HuffPost

Bishop Robert Barron, a member of President Donald Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission and frequent guest on Fox News channel as well as contributor to Fox News Digital, slammed the commander-in-chief on Monday morning over his stunning attack on Pope Leo XIV the previous evening. More: Mediaite

MIAMI (AP) — The main attraction early at UFC 327 on Saturday night wasn’t any of the fighters, but President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

Bryan Cranston, Jane Fonda, Joaquin Phoenix and more than 1,000 other Hollywood professionals released an open letter Monday vehemently opposing Paramount Skydance’s takeover of Warner Bros. Discovery, arguing that the corporate tie-up would hurt an industry “already under severe strain.” More: NBC News

Common Sense with Ally Sammarco

Ally Sammarco is a recovering Trump supporter and current Democratic strategist who brings you the latest news in politics, while breaking it down with common sense perspective.

Share

Share The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

Get more from Adam Parkhomenko in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Sexy patriots, you’re the reason this newsletter is breaking through and becoming a real force in independent media, and we’re so damn grateful for every share, every subscription, and every bit of support. Keep spreading the word and bringing others into this movement, we’re just getting started.

Share The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s been almost 24 hours since Melania Trump made the whole world think she is guilty of some pretty heinous shit by publicly and surprisingly announcing that she didn’t do any heinous shit, and we still don’t know what the fuck any of it was all about. With this crew, you just never know if it’s stupidity, incompetence, lunacy or some unholy combination of all of them. Like what do you even say about this?!

Oh yeah she’s really guilty. Like really REALLY guilty. Like what the fuck even was that? If Trump really didn’t know she was gonna do this, then that’s honestly kinda hilarious. And while it’s infuriating to see this vapid dunce put the onus on the survivors and Congress to get justice when her goddamn name is in the goddamn files and her goddamn husband is in the goddamn files, we are glad she helped bring the issue back to the forefront — out of nowhere — amid her husband’s stupid war.

And because we try to find something funny amid horrible and fucked up things, we tried to imagine what it’s like to be Melania’s publicist. So here’s how we think an interview would go…

Us: So how much do you hate your life?

Melania’s publicist: I never thought I’d smoke cigarettes. Now I smoke three packs a day and I lace them with model airplane glue. They say they’ll kill me. But when?

Us: That doesn’t sound great.

Melania’s publicist: I don’t even cry anymore. What’s the point?

Us: Yeah, you’ve really got that thousand-yard stare thing going on. Still, you are definitely going to hell.

Melania’s publicist: You promise?

Yikes. That one scared us a little bit. But if we’re honest about it, Melania scares us a little bit too. It was the way she said Chreestmas. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Our therapy marathon continues this afternoon at 8:30 PM ET/5:30 PM PT. If you missed yesterday’s session, you can get caught up below and you can click here to read the comments from the live! We think these are helping because we don’t wake up crying as much as we used to.

Note three: We know it’s not exactly news, but Trump had another meltdown. This time he went after MAGA media who are pissed off about his stupid war in Iran. At this point, all he has left is Mark Levin and the New York Times. More: HuffPost

Note four: The federal government tried to lock up a professor because he removed one of their tear gas canisters from a crowd. A jury said fuck that. So another loss for Trump. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re definitely going to war with the Vatican, aren’t we? And we’re probably gonna lose that shit too.

Note six: Maybe Melania freaked out yesterday because she just found out that America hates her. The rest of us have known that for a while. More: Yahoo

Note seven: There’s some interesting stuff in this NBC focus group from Maine. Is it good when people refer to their own party as “spineless?” More: NBC News

Note eight: House Republicans prevented Democrats from voting on an anti-war measure yesterday meant to limit Trump’s war powers. So yeah, the whole fucking GOP owns this dumb shit. More: NBC News

Note nine: We hate John Fetterman more than Fox News loves John Fetterman. It sucks butt we have to wait another two years to send this asshole home. More: Mediaite

Note 10: You aren’t imagining it. Republicans really are trying to take us back to the 1950s.

Note 11: Pete Hegseth lost in court again yesterday. This is becoming a habit for him. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Trump made a Pizzagate freak an immigration lawyer. So yeah that’s how fucking stupid everything is. More: Minnesota Reformer

Note 13: Man, Israel has a big problem. Watching Bibi drag them to hell is infuriating and heartbreaking. Kinda like watching Trump do the same thing to us. More: Pew Research

Note 14: It feels so damn weird to be rooting for Thomas Massie in next month’s primary, but here we are. It’s not that we like the guy. We just like what he has done for the Epstein survivors and we like it when Trump is mad. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We were about to condemn this, but fuck it. Git their asses, Hunter.

Note 16: It’s going to be fucking hilarious — and great news for the free world — if Trump and Couchfuck’s efforts to save Viktor Orban blow up in their fugly faces. More: The Hill

Note 17: We are not familiar with Philz Coffee, and we’re gonna stay that way. Want to get rid of Pride flags? Cool. You’re getting rid of paying customers too, assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Thank you to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz for not forgetting about the people suffering in “Alligator Alcatraz.” This is real shit, and we’re grateful. More: Orlando Sentinel

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish the crew of Artemis a safe trip home. If you want to know when and where you can watch the splashdown, PBS has you covered. Thanks for reminding us that not everything sucks, Artemis! More: PBS

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. And we hope Melania gives another statement today. Because why the fuck not? Love y’all!

Hegseth lies; troops die
We can’t believe we’re linking to a CBS news story, but this one is important. Survivors of the most deadly Iranian attack on U.S. forces said that they were left unprotected despite Hegseth’s lie that the missile that hit them was a “squirter” that got through. This is much worse than what we saw in Benghazi. But we don’t have a Fox News, so Americans will probably never know about this. Unless we take back the House and start having some hearings. Fuck Pete Hegseth. More: CBS News

Fucking nutter
All week it has felt like the wheels are coming off Trumpland. But it’s felt like that for a goddamn decade. Still, it’s obvious Trump is losing what little of his shit he has left. Desperate to change the subject from his losing war against Iran and his wife’s Epstein outburst, Trump did what he loves to do most — watch a snuff film and blame the murder on immigrants. Yeah, the president of the United States literally posted a video of a woman being beaten to death by a hammer. It is truly appalling and if this country had any decency left, this last week of atrocious behavior would be the end of this nightmare. But we don’t have any decency or sense, so we’ll just wait to see what horrible shit he does next. More: The Guardian

About that inflation
Ugh. It turns out that stupid wars started for no reason are not great for American consumers. Or really any consumers anywhere. We learned this morning that inflation has surged back to May 2024 levels, up 3.3 percent since last year. Gas prices are up 21 percent. We know you already knew that, but still. The entire fucking 2024 election was about inflation and high prices, and Trump hasn’t done shit for either. But hey at least we’re getting a fucking ballroom that no one asked for. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
CAIRO (AP) — Iranians have welcomed a fragile ceasefire deal after weeks of Israeli and American bombardment, but many fear the war is far from over. For some, there is also a sense of whiplash, after U.S. President Donald Trump threatened to wipe out their civilization hours before he reversed course and agreed to an uneasy truce.

More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — President Donald Trump’s administration this week acknowledged it made a significant error in figures it used to help justify a fraud probe into New York’s Medicaid program, a glaring mistake that undercuts a federal campaign to tackle waste, mostly in Democratic-led states.

More: Associated Press

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — A man imprisoned for nearly 30 years before being exonerated won a landmark election in New Orleans promising to fix a judicial system that failed him. Now, Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry and the GOP-controlled Legislature are racing to eliminate his job before he can be sworn in. More: Associated Press

BEIJING - At an unusual meeting Friday, Chinese leader Xi Jinpingtalked with Taiwan’s main opposition leader about shared culture and bloodlines, before declaring that unification of the island with the mainland is a “historical inevitability.” More: NBC News

NEW YORK — An immigration appeals board has denied Mahmoud Khalil’s latest bid to dismiss his deportation case, a largely expected ruling that brings the former Columbia University graduate student and Palestinian activist one step closer to re-arrest and possible expulsion. More: NBC News

Protests over high fuel prices in Ireland entered a fourth day on Friday, sparking concerns about fuel shortages and emergency services as demonstrators clogged roads and blocked access to refining and distribution sites around the country. More: NBC News

There’s one perhaps unusual problem the crew of NASA’s Artemis II has to be mindful of while aboard the spacecraft: their farts. More: Mediaite

HUGE thank you to everyone who joined us live today and to all of you who’ve shown up over the last 48 hours to help grow this platform. Because of you, we hit #10 in politics on Substack, and that’s something we don’t take lightly.

We had an absolute blast today. You all bring the energy, the insight, and the community that makes this so special. And yes, even with the troll cameo, we handled it and kept it moving. Thank you all for bringing that to our attention!

We’re looking forward to doing it all again tomorrow. If you missed it or want to follow along, here are the comments from today’s live to go with the video.

Keep sharing, keep posting, keep spreading the word. This only works because of you.

We love y’all.

Bonus: Here is a little video update from Adam of Baby Brooks who turned 11 weeks today!

Share

Share The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

Leave a comment

Get more from Adam Parkhomenko in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Housekeeping note: HUGE thank you to all the sexy patriots who showed up in a big way yesterday. Whether you shared the publication, told a friend, or stepped up to become a paid subscriber, you made this moment happen. Because of you, this morning we’re sitting at #10 in U.S. politics on Substack. Let that sink in. An independent, people-powered newsletter that is not afraid to cuss and tell the truth breaking into the top 10 without corporate backing, without sponsors, just grit, truth, and this community. This is what building something together looks like. This is how we grow. And we’re just getting started.

Grateful for every single one of you. Love y’all!

Note: Hello, Sexy Patriots, and welcome to a very special edition of today’s newsletter. In fact, today’s newsletter could save your life. We hope by this point y’all know how much we love your hot asses and how much we appreciate you standing side-by-side with us in this fight against dumbshit facism. But today’s message is for you sexy ears. And that message is STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS!!!!

No. No no no no no no no no no. A podcast, bro? Really? Can’t people just drag a bunch of tin cans filled with nails and crazy behind their cars and hear the same noise? This podcast will cause nosebleeds, measles and lots of people driving into highway dividers. So please, for the love of all that is holy, please make sure your ears hear this heartfelt message from us…

Hi, Sexy Ears. Please make sure you avoid RFK Jr.’s podcast. Not only will the sound of his totally fucked up voice make you want to run right off your head and into a fan, but the actual words he says will probably kill you or somone you love. This man is to ears what Donald Trump is to eyes and noses. It’s not just offensive; it’s deadly. So please, please, please stay away from this man’s podcast. We don’t know what ear-felching is, but we bet he does.

We think that’s the first time we’ve ever sent a message to a specific body part. We won’t make a habit of it. Y’all have a blessed day. And protect your ears.

Note two: We’re doing multiple therapy sessions this week because, well, you know. Catch up on yesterday’s below, see the comments from the live here and please join us today at 4:30 PM ET/1:30 PM PT! You can tune in on Substack or join us on YouTube here at that time! If you click on YouTube subscribe and hit the little bell icon to be notified of future lives!

Note three: Annnnd there go the oil prices again. It’s almost like the world doesn’t believe our lying idiot president. More: HuffPost

Note four: The California Supreme Court finally stepped in and stopped that Trumpy shithead sheriff from messing with ballots. Please don’t let this freak become governor. More: NBC News

Note five: We have no idea what this freakshow is talking about, but if we were married to him, we would definitely jump out of a plane. No parachute. And we just assume the furniture would join us.

Note six: A sleazy school board member in Tennessee was censured after calling a student “hot.” He insists it was misconstrued and won’t step down. Fucking creep. More: NBC News

Note seven: House Dems are going to try and corral the crazypants dumbfuck who keeps starting wars. It likely won’t go anywhere, but we like making Republicans own this shit. More: The Hill

Note eight: We were talking about this in therapy yesterday. We hate AI. But you gotta hand it to the Iranian trolling. They’re pretty damn good at it. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Mark Rutte has a difficult job. But man it sure is embarrassing watching him suck orange ass all the time. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Have we mentioned lately how much we love Justice Sotomayor? Because we do. We really, really do.

Note 11: Poor Joe Rogan says he’s politically homeless. Joe is a Trump voter who likes to bash trans people and say the n-word. Joe is a Republican. He’s just ashamed to admit it. Fuck him. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Karoline Leavitt said it’s “insulting” to say that America lost the moral high ground after Trump threatened to wipe out an entire civilization. He also murdered a bunch of little girls. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Congrats, America. We just obliterated a bunch of heat records. It’s almost like climate change is real and only a moron would pretend otherwise. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Serial sex creep Mark Halperin says that Trump can still turn it around before the midterms. Sure, Mark. Just keep your hands where we can see them, bro. More: Mediaite

Note 15: Don’t worry, everyone. Trump bitch weasel Kevin Hassett says all the high prices are just a “temporary distraction.” Maybe we’re just cynical, but we think he’s full of shit.

Note 16: Trump is flailing so badly he has even lost one of the voices in Megyn Kelly’s head. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Think Fox can’t get anymore pathetic? Then you haven’t met Griff Jenkins and his new “NACHO” nickname for his orange daddy. More: HuffPost

Note 18: The amazing crew of Artemis is spending their last day in space before heading home. Our message to them is DON’T DO IT! STAY UP THERE! IT SUCKS DOWN HERE! More: Today

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, you gotta love CSPAN. Thanks, Vegas Dave!

Note 20: And on that well-stated note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you and your ears are having a great week and hanging in there. And remember to stop pushing the Q-Tip in when you hit something squishy that makes you forget your address. Love y’all!

Keeps getting worse
We hate Trump’s stupid ballroom. We hate that he demolished the East Wing for it. We hate that it’s being paid for by corporate bribes. And we hate that he keeps talking about the fucking thing even while we’re at war. But now we have a new reason to hate it. Trump is using foreign steel to build it. The steel was donated and then the company got a tariff exemption. So yeah, everything about that shit is corrupt. The next Dem president should charge $5 a whack to let Americans knock it down with a hammer. We’re in for $50. More: New York Times

Run, Leo, Run!
Apparently, the Trump administration threatened our beloved Pope Leo. A flunkie in Hegseth’s Department of What The Fuck called on Leo’s top American cardinal and ambassador to the U.S. and then threatened him. Apparently this freak even picked up a weapon to send the message home. It was unsettling enough that the Vatican canceled the Pope’s trip to the U.S. this year. The flunkie told the Cardinal that American military might means we can do whatever we want and the Vatican better get on board. God this is so embarrassing. Save yourself, Leo!

Letters from Leo — the American Pope & US Politics

The Pentagon Threatened Pope Leo XIV’s Ambassador With the Avignon Papacy

Thank you for reading! Letters from Leo is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber…

Read more

18 days ago · 660 likes · 51 comments · Christopher Hale

Ceasefire extinguished
While Trump keeps insisting that the ceasefire is holding, the Strait of Hormuz is still closed and Israel is still killing lots and lots of people in Lebanon. So yeah, it ain’t a ceasefire. Trump even had to post last night that the American military is staying right where it is until a “REAL AGREEMENT” is reached or else the “Shootin’ Starts.” Um, so does that mean we have a fake agreement now? Yes. Yes, it does. Who knows how much crazy and death today will bring. More: NBC News, Associated Press

Today’s Clips
MADISON, Wis. (AP) — The bluntest assessment of Republican failures during this week’s elections in Wisconsin came from one of their own.

“We got our butts kicked,” said U.S. Rep. Tom Tiffany, who is running for governor. More: Associated Press

A new reality is setting in for travelers worldwide: rising fees, fewer flight options and difficult decisions about whether a trip is worth the cost. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The American economy, slowed by last fall’s 43-day government shutdown, grew at a sluggish 0.5% annual pace from October through December, the Commerce Department reported Thursday in downgrade of its previous estimate. More: HuffPost

Despite intense opposition from President Donald Trump, Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) is beating back a challenge from his MAGA primary opponent — new polling reveals. More: Mediaite

Huge shoutout to everyone who stepped up today. Seriously. The number of you who became paid subscribers, shared the newsletter, or nudged a friend to check it out… it means everything.

We don’t have corporate backers. No sponsors pulling strings. This is independent media powered by you, and today was one of those days that reminds us why we do this and who we’re doing it with.

If you’re in a position to subscribe, we’re so grateful. If you’ve been sharing and spreading the word, you’re just as important to this growth. That’s how this movement builds, person by person, share by share.

It’s been an incredible day, and we’re honestly just very thankful for all of you.

Hope all you sexy patriots have a great rest of your hump day. Love y’all!

Get more from Adam Parkhomenko in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

This is an important one.

If you believe in what we’re building here, we need you to take the next step and become a paid subscriber.

We don’t have corporate sponsors. No billionaires backing us. No outside investors pulling strings behind the scenes. This is independent media, built from the ground up, powered entirely by you.

That’s the point.

Every subscription directly fuels more reporting, more live shows, more content, and more time spent doing what we do best which is telling the truth and cutting through the noise.

We’re growing because of you. And with your support, we can go even bigger, louder, and harder in the fights that matter.

If you’ve been thinking about subscribing, now is the moment.

We are deeply grateful for this community and everything you’ve helped us build. If you are already a paid subscriber or not in a position to become one, please consider sharing our publication with the link below and we will continue to have no paywall! Thank you. Let’s keep going. Love y’all!

The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Share The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

Note: Well, congrats on not dying this week, Sexy Patriots. We’re all so delighted that our deranged crazy shithead president didn’t nuke the Middle East or Nebraska even as we try to wrap our heads around the stupidest military adventurism ever. Yeah, it’s a real bowl of shit soup. So it’s really goddamn weird that we’re in such a great mood today. But we get like that when Americans are rising up and sending a message…

That’s right, you beautiful mofos! We are winning! And we are winning a lot! We know it might not feel like it because we all spent yesterday with our buttcheeks clinched wondering just how crazy ol’ Crazy Cankles really is, but trust us, we are on the march. Thanks to the beautiful people of Wisconsin, we fucked up a lot of red areas last night. We secured a majority on the state Supreme Court through at least 2030, we won all over the state and we even won the mayor’s seat in red Waukesha. We are kicking ass and taking names!

And while our friend Shawn Harris didn’t win in Georgia, he did overperform and make clear that Jon Ossoff is going to win big time. Republicans should be pooping their pants this morning because a big fucking wave is coming. Thank you to every single Sexy Patriot who is doing the hard work to win these elections. These wins are the ultimate middle finger, and we’ve just begun to say Fuck You. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Bolts Mag, More: Associated Press

Note two: Anyone need some therapy? Yeah, everyone does. Especially this week. So please join us today at 3:30 p.m. ET/Noon PT and we’ll talk it out. You can find us here on Substack or watch and join in on the comments on YouTube here!

Note three: Because we’re not in the mainstream media, we think it’s important to remind everyone that the United States killed more than 150 little girls. Pete Hegseth is going to rot in hell. More: BBC

Note four: By the way, Israel is still attacking Lebanon, so we’ll see if this ceasefire lasts through the day More: The Guardian

Note five: Don’t worry, folks. Everything is going to be fine. Just look at how competent these assholes are.

Note six: Thank you to the Democrats who stood up yesterday and called for Trump to be removed from office. And to those who didn’t, what the fuck is your problem? More: Axios

Note seven: God we love this Artemis crew. They seem determined to remind us that not everything is butt. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump’s goons finally released that soldier’s wife. Doesn’t seem smart to keep pissing off highly-trained killers like this. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Every goddamn time we’re about to start liking Ro Khanna, he goes and does some dumb shit like this. Dude, you don’t ever, ever, ever have to give credit to Tucker Carlson. Get your head out of your ass, Ro. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Are we the only ones who can’t stop laughing about this? It’s like Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a wall.

Note 11: Trump’s thugs are really trying to go after Cassidy Hutchinson. As if they haven’t put that poor woman through enough. More: Independent

Note 12: Expect a lot of this evil and crooked shit from DOJ now that the guy in charge over there is literally professing his love for Trump. More: Mediaite

Note 13: An 18-year-old college student lost an eye because of the violence of DHS scum. We can’t fund any of this shit. More: USC Annenberg Media

Note 14: Remember that big fancy sex jet we bought for Krisit Noem? Well now Melania is going to use it. We’ve got a few suggestions for where she can take it. More: Daily Mail

Note 15: Man, one thing we learned from this stupid war is that Iran’s meme game is elite. Also, the president of the United States is a fucking idiot. But we already knew that part.

Note 16: This is a huge relief. That American journalist who was kidnapped in Iraq has been released. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Want to feel really gross about America? Well the only refugees we’re letting in now are white South Africans. Pretty fucking gross. More: CS Monitor

Note 18: We shit on Fox News a lot, but we do appreciate Sean Hannity and Ron DeSantis focusing on cousin-fucking. Giuliani is not gonna like this. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just can’t get enough of these videos of Mamdani interacting with New Yorkers. It’s weird how he seems to genuinely love the city and people he was elected to serve. Maybe we should all think about electing people like that.

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week. Try to focus on Wisconsin and not the dumbfuck gameshow host threatening nuclear holocaust. We know it ain’t easy. Love y’all!

Yikes
The New York Times dropped a shocker yesterday, reporting that Bibi Netanyahu was invited into the White House Situation Room to convince Trump to go to war with Iran. In a story with a mind-blowing number of CYA leaks, we learned that Trump was warned by his own team that going into Iran was a stupid idea but none of them had the guts to actually tell him not to do it. Bibi made the case that it was going to be super easy to beat Iran. It wasn’t. We’re not really sure what to say about the U.S.-Israel relationship right now except this ain’t how friends act. More: New York Times

Hungary Couch-Humper
If America seems to smell better at the moment it’s because JD Vance isn’t here. No, JD is in Hungary tap-dancing for Putin by endorsing Viktor Orban and trashing our European allies. The couch-fucking fuckhead can’t stop attacking Europe and telling lies about them interfering in Hungary’s elections. JD is making it 100 percent crystal clear on this trip that he is with Putin. Clearly Couch Boy thinks Putin will help him win in 2028 like he helped Trump in 2016. We’ll see. More: NBC News

Donald L. Trump
Well, Trump lost to Iran. But at least he didn’t nuke them, so we’re taking that as a win. But there’s really no win here. Before this war started, the Strait of Hormuz was open. Now, Iran will charge a toll to ships that pass through. Trump is even talking about teaming up with them to do it. We lost 13 soldiers, a shitload of money and killed an untold number of civilians and all we got was this dumbass president telling us Iran is about to have a fucking golden age. WHAT?! Iran is even bragging about how they beat Trump. Oh and the ceasefire is barely holding. So yeah, great job to the commander-in-chief on being a total goddamn moron. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
INDIANOLA, Iowa (AP) — Before Michigan U.S. Sen. Elissa Slotkin spent Tuesday afternoon supporting Democratic congressional candidates in Iowa, she was picking the brains of a table of President Donald Trump’s voters. More: Associated Press

BEIRUT (AP) — Israeli strikes hit several dense commercial and residential areas in central Beirut Wednesday afternoon without warning, hours after a ceasefire was announced in the U.S.-Israeli war with Iran. Lebanon’s health ministry said dozens were killed and hundreds wounded in an early estimate. More: HuffPost

A tweet written nearly a decade ago by then-Democratic nominee for president, Hillary Clinton, resurfaced on Tuesday following President Donald Trump’s genocidal threats against Iran. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON ― The part of the U.S. government that’s supposed to decide whether we go to war is on vacation while President Donald Trump threatens the wholesale annihilation of a foreign country. More: HuffPost

Fox & Friends delivered a surprisingly candid accounting of the Trump administration’s Iran ceasefire than you might expect from the network’s remarkably pro-Trump flagship morning show: It admitted that the objectives set forth by the Trump administration had not been met. More: Mediaite

Share

Share The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman